The Secret Life of Billy Chase 6 - 37. Chapter 37

- You wanna know something? I mean, REALLY know something? This whole deal with trying to stay morally straight is 100% BULLSHIT!!!

All of it! Why am I even trying? Name one reward that I've gotten from shutting my feelings down and not lowering my standards to just be some high school horn dog that runs around humping the leg of whoever I want without caring what happens afterwards? I mean, it's not like there are any consequences involved for the people that do. They're having a much better time than I am. Why care anymore? I just look like an idiot to everybody else. They wanna get laid, I wanna get laid, that's all anybody ever cares about. 'Oh he's cute, hurry up and fuck him before somebody else does.' I swear, people have forgotten how to feel. They can press a 'like' button on your Facebook, but can't put two sentences together to actually talk to somebody face to face. They've forgotten that actual emotions matter. They've forgotten how to sympathize, or value feelings of affection, or even realize how self centered they are. Is this a part of the world that I'm supposed to adapt to? Or am I holding on to the one thing that truly fucking matters anymore?

Sighhh...I guess I'm just....frustrated right now. It just...sometimes I feel like I'm the only one awake in the Matrix. The last survivor in the "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers". Nobody hears me. Nobody takes the hint. And even if I think they whole world is crazy, I'm so outnumbered that I end up looking like the asshole.

Like I said, I'm thinking of just giving up. I just wanna have fun like everybody else. Screw this higher self, goody goody, search for true love and long lasting affection. I wanna gather my things after the last school bell rings, jump on a bus, and go someplace to have my dick sucked. Then I wanna blow off my homework, not speak to my mom, go to bed without doing the dishes, wake up, and have my dick sucked again. Who cares who it is? My best friend, my boyfriend, my ex boyfriend, the mailman, any fucking random stranger on the street. I just don't wanna CARE anymore! Nobody else does.

So, Jimmy LaPlane comes back to school today. Apparently, school wasn't important to him yesterday. You wanna know why? Do you? Because on Tuesday, he went over to AJ's house to suck and swallow and get fucked as many times as he possibly could before having to come home. I had to actually listen to him talk about it for almost ten minutes straight. How he loves it on his back, and how deeply AJ kisses him when he's about to cum, and how he kind likes getting it hard from him. But that's not the 'best' part. Are you ready for this? So after they've practically worn each other out for a whole afternoon...AJ tells Jimmy that he has this 'buddy' named Scott. The SAME Scott that I remember him cheating on ME with!!! And he totally asks Jimmy if he'd be interested in meeting him the next day! And Jimmy says YES!!!

I mean, really??? He said YES???

So Jimmy ditched out on school yesterday, and had a threesome with both AJ and Scott! Like...all day! Just getting fucked over and over again, non-stop. And then he comes skipping into school with a big smile on his face like it's nothing. And you wanna know what the worst part is? I can't even really judge or look down on him, because deep down, I kinda....ugh....

...I kinda wish it was me.

And I know that sounds weird for me to say, but seriously...I'm a bit foggy on when I even had sex last. I hold back from Sam, I hold back from Brandon, I hold back from Lee...and I KNOW that diving any further into any one of these situations is bound to cause a series of MAJOR problems further down the road...it doesn't change the fact that I'd much rather be screwing them silly then dealing with doubt and angst and bullshit all of the time. Jimmy doesn't care. I don't want to care either. I wanna just...I wanna be a part of what everybody else is a part of right now.

I want that same rush, that instant gratification with no strings, and no hang ups. I thought I could get that with Sam, but that's just not going to work out the way I thought it would. You know, I honestly thought about sleeping with Jimmy myself tonight. I really did. I mean...Jimmy's always been cute. I probably could have had sex with him a dozen times by now. At LEAST. I know that he has a heavy emotional attachment to me, but would he really be all that hurt if I just did it once or twice? You know....if I could just turn off that part of myself that would really worry about hurting his feelings so much? AJ doesn't seem to have any trouble with doing it. As much of an outright villain as AJ is...as much as karma should be beating him senseless....as much as his careless and abusive and self serving actions should be making it so he totally FAILS in everything that he does...he's still coming out on top. Every time. He's still hot, he's still swimming in boys, still having sex whenever he wants without caring who he hurts. He's unstoppable at this point. So why can't I? Instead of avoiding him, I should be asking him for pointers. And getting some hot sex out of it in the meantime.

Why not Bobby? I could get Bobby to let me pound that sweet ass again if I wanted to. If Ian's gay, I could probably get him too. How hard would it be?

Maybe I should just start all over again. Just blindly jump into bed with whoever I want from now on. It sounds harsh, I know. But I'm considering it. This 'knight in shining armor' business has worn out its welcome. I'm tired of dealing with problems. It's time I just taking more from life than it's taking from me.

OH and hey...guess what? Trace totally shot me down today. I was being super friendly and even a bit aggressive about it. The same way that he would have been with me. I thought it might be awesome if we just spent some time tomorrow night forgetting about everything that happened last weekend and starting over from scratch. But nooooo. Billy's not the one to actually receive attention from somebody else. Never No matter what, whether I'm sick, tired, happy, sad, or busy...I'm supposed to jump in to save the whole world from boredom and loneliness. But ask Trace to do the same for ME just one time, and he can't be bothered. He's too busy worrying about his 'own' stuff. Whatever that might be.

When I was talking to him, he kept dodging my eyes like he really just didn't want to be seen with me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? Coming from Trace? How did this whole relationship take a complete 180* from where it was going in the beginning? There's something CAUSING him to act like this, and I want to know what it is. This isn't like him at all.

At one point, I was just goofing around, and I said, "Come on. We're getting together tomorrow a 7, and we're going to go out, pick a street to travel down...and just follow it until we find some mischief to get into. Whaddya say?"

And Trace was like, "You know...I'm not really up for doing anything this week, ok? Maybe next week. Just not tomorrow."

I'm like, "Yeah, whatever. You're going. We're going. And we're gonna have an awesome time together. I'll even grab you a burger or something. Have you got somebody to look after Mikey?"

He's like, "Billy..."

But I'm like, "I'm not taking no for an answer."

And he's like, "Well, you're gonna have to."

So I touch his arm with a smile, and I whine like, "Awww, come on, Trace. Let's do something."

And he actually gets a bit louder, and he's like, "I said NO! Ok? Are you hearing me? We'll do something later. Now leave it alone." And while I'm standing there in shock at the way he was suddenly treating me....he rolls his eyes and walks away from me. Just like that. He didn't even look back to see if I was hurt. Not once. What the fuck is HIS problem??? Fine. Whatever. Screw him. It's not like I can't make my own fun this weekend. In fact, that sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

Hehehe, and I'm actually LAUGHING about this one! Talked to Randall tonight in chat. He seemed to have something on his mind. He wanted to talk, so I'm like, "Let's talk."

Apparently...since Lee and I have been broken up, Randall was around to talk to him about a few things that maybe went wrong. I mean, Randall knows how Lee is. Everybody does. Everybody except for Lee, that is. As sweet as he is, and even though he has a lot of heart and is a truly beautiful person...he has the power to really hurt people. It makes it worse that he doesn't even realize that he's doing it. But he can be so wrapped up in his own thing that he forgets that other people need love and attention too. I guess it led to a few long discussions where Lee decided that he didn't want to be the kind of guy who flakes out whenever it comes to the people he cares about. So the two of them kept talking....then hanging out...and even though Randall swears to me that they're not getting back together again...

...Some 'things' happened between them. That's exactly how he put it And knowing Lee, I didn't really need much more explanation than that.

Was I hurt? I don't know. It's kinda hard to tell, honestly. I mean, it's not like he cheated on me. But I did feel something that tensed up the muscles in my stomach something awful. And it came from the fact that this was just another example of everybody getting off but me. No consequences, no regrets, hardly any thought at all. Just selfish act after selfish act, disguised as something else so the people involved don't have to feel bad about it.

Whatever. Randall said that he just wanted me to know ahead of time, just in case Lee and I work things out. He didn't want it to be a blemish on Lee's record before we got off to a brand new start. I told him not to worry about it, as it wasn't my plan. Who knows? They'll probably be screwing each other again this weekend anyway. Everybody will. Wouldn't be surprised if even Brandon and Stevie found some way to cuddle up somewhere private and involve themselves in a serious 'anger bang'. Like I said...everybody but me. EVERYBODY!

The way I feel right now, I'd jump on the next boy to offer me any sex at all. I tried the gentle rainbows and puppies approach, but there isn't anybody showing me any goddamn attention at all, and I'm SICK of it! Screw the rose petals! If life is all about fucking and getting what you want right now without any patience or grace at all....then now's the time for me to be a part of it.

I'll write more later. But right now...I think I'm gonna write to Lee. I wanna see him tomorrow after school. And I want him naked and hard within the first fifteen minutes that I walk through his front door.

The world wanted a mindless, heartless, SLUT? Fine. They'll get one. Enjoy.

I know I will...

- Billy