Little Man - 7. What Do We Do Now?

I was elated and terrified to have Ogre back. I couldn't risk him breaking my spirit, but I couldn't bear the thought of life without him. I needed him to convince me that I would be the only one his attentions would be given too. He would have to prove to me how much he wanted and needed me.

His first tactic was simple enough but quite effective.

Eric and I were relaxing the Tuesday evening after Ogre and I reconciled. Eric had ordered a pizza and we were kicking back with the Playstation to make up for some lost time. He noticed outright that my mood had vastly improved.

“It's been a good day.” That was all I needed to say. Eric was simply happy that I was happy.

“Good. When you mope around the house you start to smell,” he teased.

We were halfway through our large supreme and three rounds of racing when my phone buzzed me over a text message. I paused the game and flipped my cell open to read the text.

Missing you. Incoming pic. NSFW

I closed my phone and returned to the game. A minute later my phone went off again. I paused the game again and opened the screen.

A closeup of a man's erect penis filled the screen. I recognized it immediately. It was Ogre's.

“Who's sending you pics of their cock?” I felt Eric's chin brush me as he peeked over my shoulder. I snapped the phone closed.

“No one. It's a joke,” I quickly replied.

“MM hmm. . . ” Eric pulled back as his eyes narrowed. “One of these days you should tell me who he is. Because if he fucks you over again, I'm going to fucking kill him. Be right back.” I didn't miss the tension in his voice before Eric stood up and stalked to the bathroom. As soon as I heard the door close, I quickly pulled out my phone, dropped my shorts, took a shot of my dick and immediately sent it back to Ogre. From that point on, I swore I would be cautious about answering my phone. The dirty photos began coming at any given time of the day or night. I copied and saved them all to my laptop.

Not all of the text messages were obscene. Most of them had supportive comments that simply made me feel good to be with him. I returned them as often as possible. Since we couldn't be together as much as we'd like, we tried to maintain good lines of communication. We sent emails to each other every night and talked on the phone when we could without revealing ourselves.

* * *

“Does Ogre know that being gay doesn't automatically give you the shopping gene?” Eric asked, slightly annoyed.

“If he doesn't, he's gonna find out fast,” I replied.

Eric was gathering his class materials and getting ready for a trip to the library to work on a research paper. He had been grousing all morning and was even less happy to find out Ogre invited me to come to the mall with him. I hated leaving Eric behind, but secretly was elated to spend more time with Ogre. It had only been days since we reconciled, and I craved his presence. Every moment I had brought a sense of ease and panic to my life at the same time.

“Why are you spending so much time with Ogre anyways?” Eric shoved a notebook into his backpack.

“I don't know if we're spending that much time together. . . ”

“A lot more than you used to.” Eric was fishing. His innate curiosity was trying to piece together the relationship Steve and I had. The very relationship we were trying to hide.

I shrugged innocently. “He knows I'm gay. I guess there's no secrets now. Maybe he's overcompensating to show it's no big deal.” I was covering as subtly as I knew how to keep from arousing Eric's suspicions. He was a pit bull if he found an incongruity he didn't completely understand.

“Besides,” I continued, “he's looking for a gift for his mom. She's kinda artsy and he wants some feedback. He's gonna buy me lunch in payment. How can I pass that that up?”

“You hate the mall. You're always bitching about the crowds and the salespeople make you want to scream.”

“That's because I'm short and people working on commission remind me of leeches in the water. But, I can ignore all that over the free meal.” I couldn't emphasize the last two words enough for Eric.

“I suppose.”

I rolled my eyes. “Stop reading so much into it. You're just pissed you have to do research. We'll bring back some beer later and hang out tonight.”

Eric threw the last of his needed items into his pack and the tension in his shoulders seemed to soften. I could see he was uncomfortable with my increased contact with Ogre. I wanted to confess what was happening between us, but I wasn't ready. A tiny voice that carried far too much weight kept whispering words in the back of my awareness that Ogre may still freak out and run. Once again, I refused to listen to its nagging.

Saying goodbye to Eric, I gathered my jacket and cell phone and headed for the door. The drive to the mall was relatively short, not terribly far from campus and our house. I parked my car, crossed the parking lot and tried to not look too anxious or excited. My energy level was ecstatic and I suppressed the urge to skip into the building. I couldn't wait to see his face. I knew I wanted to throw myself into his arms and taste his lips, but knew that wasn't happening in a public place.

I passed through the large aisle way passing a huge number of stores, barely noting the difference between one and another as I dodged through the throng of shoppers. The neon channel letters of various retail logos streamed by me as I negotiated the ridiculously large shopping center to find the food court that graced the center of the complex. My steps quickened as my anxiety heightened with the possibility that he wouldn't be there. Of course, that was me being silly. Steve asked me to come. He wanted me here. I started walking quicker trying not to jog.

The courtyard opened at the end of a long stretch of stores with a circle of open-ended fast food restaurants and hordes of tables and chairs collected through the middle. Clusters of people sat at the tables, stood in line for their orders and crowded the general space. My eyes searched the crowd for Steve. I was beginning to tremble when a group of people parted and the large man I loved caught my eye.

Ogre's eyes were bright and his smile was huge when he saw me and waved me down. My tension started to ease.

“Hey, Little Man.” The gleam in his eyes made the blush start to rise in my face.

“Hey, yourself.” I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

Steve and I stared at each other like a pair of stupid pre-adolescents. If we were alone, I would have climbed his towering form for a chance to kiss his full lips. I would wrap myself in his arms and spend the day finding new ways to make him call out my name.

However, we weren't alone.

“Clay, I know this may be a little weird, but I wanted to introduce you to someone.” The smile of his face began to shift and showed an uncertain line as he began chewing his lip. He turned and motioned to the pretty young woman behind him.

She was dressed tastefully in a pair of corduroy jeans and white blouse that showed off her slender curves topped with a long knee-length coat. Her long blond hair was pulled back in a pony tail with shorter lengths of hair framing her pretty face with almost imperceptible yet tasteful makeup. In short, she was stunning.

“Steve said you were cute, but he really didn't do you justice.” Her sultry, yet friendly voice sang at me. The hair on my neck rose instantly as I recognized the voice. It was Heidi.

I looked up at Steve and he could see the color draining from my face.

“Are you insane?” My words hit Ogre so hard he backed up a step.

Confusion and fear ran up my spine and clouded my thoughts. Steve's smile was falling fast as I could feel the wetness pricking the corners of my eyes. A primal urge to flee rose in me. I was about to follow it when a slender arm wrapped itself in mine gently holding me in place.

“Oh no you don't. No rabbiting, Little Man. Don't blame Steve.” Heidi's voice was calm, polite and oddly soothing. “This was my idea.”

“To ambush me in public?” My head spun looking at one and then the other, projecting waves of disquiet at them both. The tremor in my voice couldn't be disguised.

“No, to make amends.” Her face was serious and her eyes were wide in sympathy. “I'm going to continue to be Steve's good friend, but that's all. I know you may find this hard to believe, but there's no reason for you to see me as a threat. I'd like to get to know you better.”

“Why?”

“Because I'm really sorry for everything that happened. If I get to know you better, I might be able to keep him from fucking things up again.” A subtly pleasant smile formed on her lips.

“No chance of a warning?” I shot up at Ogre.

“I knew if I told you first, you wouldn't have shown up.” His eyes pleaded with me. Wordlessly, he asked me to stay. I could see the tension that froze him in place waiting for my reply. I tamped down the unease that had crept up my spine.

This was my worst nightmare. I checked to see if I was naked. No. Still clothed. This was real.

“You both have to know just how uncomfortable this makes me,” I said. Heidi slid her arms around mine a little more snugly. The gesture was strangely disarming. Her manner and tone had been nothing but genuine.

“Of course we do. But you're too important to Steve to let my previous relationship with him be a source of friction.” Her hand palmed my bicep and gently squeezed through my jacket. “Damn it.” She laughed softly.

“What?” I asked. My eyebrow lifted with a little spark of confusion.

“Your arms. There's a lot of really nice muscle under here.” She smiled as she further explored the arm she held and then turned towards Steve. “You would leave me for someone this hot.”

“I told you.” He spoke to her but Ogre threw me a smoldering stare. His leering smirk threatened to arouse me.

“Your description was lousy. The real thing is way better, you lucky bastard.” She turned back to me. “Are you sure you're gay?” I nodded silently.

She turned back to Ogre. “You can keep him then.”

Oh my god. I blushed. I'm such a whore for flattery.

Heidi must have sensed my tension fading because her subtle grip on my arm grew gentler as she softly laughed and I found my hostility being deftly pacified. I wanted to disconnect all the pain and despair that went along with finding them together that morning. I wanted to believe that it was a dead issue so I could trust Steve completely. I needed to believe it was possible.

Heidi nudged me gently into a chair and sat next to me at the nearest table. She looked innocently up at Steve.

“Steve, why don't you get us something to eat while Clay and I get to know each other better?” Steve stepped closer and ran the back of his hand gently along my shoulder. Warmth spread through me from the contact even though it couldn't transmit through my coat.

“What would you like?” he asked quietly. The eyes of my giant gleamed happily into mine.

“Anything's fine. Don't stop surprising me now.” Ogre chuckled and took Heidi's order and headed to the food lines. I watched his backside wistfully as he walked away. My attention snapped back to a sultry laugh beside me.

“Oh, sweetheart. You've got it bad,” Heidi spoke through a knowing smile.

“Oh yeah,” I confessed in a whisper.

“I still can't believe he agreed to being on the bottom for a while. You must have really screwed the living hell out of him. I'd kill for the video of that scene.”

I risked whiplash with how fast my head spun to her. “He told you that?” She nodded. I couldn't hide my shock.

“I don't know that I'd have made the same choice. I'm not judging, you need to do what you're comfortable with. Just be careful when you play games.” Heidi reached over and giggled as she tapped my chin. “Pick up your jaw, dear. Flies will get in.”

The next few hours were wonderful. Any animosity I was feeling about Heidi had evaporated before we finished eating. Her personality and good humor were infectious. It wasn't long before we were chatting like lifelong friends as we worked our way through the stores.

That crazy little voice in my head kept telling me that all of this was bad. Looking back, I was starting to realize it was simply my insecurities given form in a vain attempt to protect me. When I ignored them, my world got a little bit better.

Heidi was a computer science major with top grades and no doubt her looks made her a class favorite amongst the usual denizens of the programmer circuit. She was fiercely intelligent and unfailingly personable. Logic dictated her life and it became clear quickly that she was telling the truth that Ogre was off limits as anything beyond good friends.

Steve's energy level was entertaining as well. He bounded through the store aisles like an over-caffeinated child. He had no idea what to get his mother but that didn't stop him from looking at everything. Each time he found something, a new shiny bauble he wanted me to look at, he made a point to touch me to get my attention. Brushing against my arm while we walked or a hand at the small of my back to direct me to something new was driving me mad. I wanted more. I wanted to crawl into his arms and kiss him stupid.

Heidi was ever aware of my longing stares and near permanent grin. She kept smiling as she saw us together and I only got the sense of her approval.

We hadn't even found Ogre's present when we turned to a shout.

“Ogre!! What are you doing here?”

Walking up to us were Ogre's roommate Paul and his friend David. David was also on the football team, but I didn't know what position. I had only run into him on an occasion and simply didn't know him well. He walked with an air of overconfidence that I generally didn't find terribly attractive so I really hadn't made much of an effort.

“We're shopping for my mom's birthday,” Steve answered. I noticed his demeanor was suddenly stiffening and the excitement I'd been watching waned.

“It takes all three of you?” David asked. He gave me a sideways glance that was so subtle I almost hadn't caught it. Even so, I felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny. I automatically stepped aside to create a small distance between Ogre and myself.

“I like a lot of opinions,” Steve said.

Everyone started talking about random things that I couldn't care less about. I wasn't happy about the intrusion on my limited time with Ogre, but I could hardly dictate his friendships. Politely, I chimed in when appropriate, but I really wasn't in the conversation. David kept glancing in my direction. Each time he did I felt myself stepping away a little farther from the group. I felt less and less as if I belonged here.

A few minutes later when I had somehow separated myself from everyone, David shifted over to me.

“What are you doing, Little Man?” he asked. His volume was controlled so I knew we were the only two that were hearing it.

“What do you mean?”

His brow cocked slightly. “Do you usually play fifth wheel?”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You're kind of cock blocking Ogre, don't you think?” The subtle condescension on his voice caused a flash of sickly heat into my chest and face. If I was unsettled before, I was nearly shaking now.

My arms wrapped around my chest. “Ogre invited me along. It's cool.” The shakiness of my voice couldn't be hidden and I couldn't look David in the eye.

“Maybe, but he could probably use some time with Heidi without a buddy cramping his style. It's kinda gay don't ya think?”

“No it's not. . .”

“People are gonna start to talk.”

I froze. Panic flooded my brain. If he guessed that I was gay, my connection to Ogre would be suspect. I didn't want to out Steve. I looked over at him and he was chatting with Paul, Heidi at his side. He wasn't even aware I had shifted away from the crowd. Maybe today was a bad idea after all. I never felt more out of place as I did in that very moment.

“Yeah. I guess,” I stammered, “I hadn't thought of it that way. Tell them I had to go,” David simply nodded in satisfaction as I began backing away. He turned from me and slid back to the others.

I couldn't stop the tremors in my hands as I slipped between a few people in the crowd and walked away, my breathing hard and erratic. If I was this transparent, my involvement with Steve would be discovered without an effort. Steve would never forgive me if it all came out. I hadn't acted like I was in the closet in years, and suddenly my relationship was a dirty secret. I knew it would be hard with Steve, but I didn't think it would come to a head so quickly.

The little voice began screaming in my head. If they find out, he'll leave. It's as simple as that.

I couldn't do this.

My vision was clouding and my breath was coming out in erratic gasps as I slowly worked through the crowd. I bumped into a few people and was having trouble keeping my direction. I felt like a lost child wanting to cry out and having someone take me home. It was taking all my willpower not to give into the tidal wave of sadness that slammed into me and drown. My car. Go back to my car. Go home. Climb in bed and get some rest.

God, I hate the mall.

My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of my phone. I didn't recognize the number and answered it without thinking.

“Clay? It's Heidi. Where are you, sweetheart?” Her melodic voice came through the speaker.

“It's okay. I. . . I need to go home.” My words came out haltingly.

“What did David say to you?” Her voice was still sweet and patient.

“It's nothing, Heidi.” I sniffed uncontrollably. “It just looks like I'm interfering on a date. David even said it looked kinda gay. This was a bad idea. It's better if I just go.”

“Did he really say that?”

“Yeah, but it's alright. Tell Ogre. . . ”

“Hold on a second,” she interrupted. I could hear her voice in the background telling Ogre to talk to me.

“Little Man? What's going on?” Ogre sounded completely puzzled. I could hear Heidi questioning David.

“Nothing, Steve.” I gasped as I tried to hold back a sob. “I just need to go.”

“I don't understand,” he softly pleaded.

Suddenly there was the unmistakable sound of someone being slapped. Heidi's voice came through the phone loud and clear.

“You asshole!”

“What the fuck did I do?” David cried.

“That's my friend you treated like shit!” I could almost see Heidi's rage. “Who told you to talk to Clay like that?”

“What did you say to him?” Ogre's shout was away from the phone. The voices were coming through loud and clear.

“He told Clay he was being a fifth wheel and hanging out with us was kind of gay. He convinced him to leave.”

“You did what?” The menace in Ogre's voice was unmistakable. “You're fucking lucky she hit you and not me!” Heidi's voice rose in anger as she railed David.

“No one asked for your help, so please don't suddenly pretend to grow a brain. If I needed to be alone with Ogre, we wouldn't have invited him in the first place you jock douchebag piece of shit!” David's responses were feeble and unintelligible. Ogre came back to the phone. I could still hear Heidi's verbal barrage.

“Little Man, come back.” His voice was soft and meant for me alone.

“No, Ogre. I don't want to out you to your friends,” I said. A single tear escaped my eye. My voice was thick with tremors. “Look what I've done already. I'm just going to go.”

“Please don't go. I just got you back.” His voice was barely a sad whisper. “I feel like if you go right now, I'll lose you.”

I felt so defeated and ashamed and I simply couldn't face him.

“Goodbye, Ogre.” I hung up.

A ragged breath shook my chest and I resumed my solemn trek back to my car. I had never felt more alone. I stepped between shoppers in a daze and couldn't recall what stores I had passed. My steps were sluggish as Ogre's words seeped into me. Was it really over? Did I just ruin everything for his sake? I didn't know what I was doing. I was barely aware that I had passed through the door and was now facing the parking lot in the cold.

I felt so achingly alone.

I scanned the lot for my car for a ridiculously long time before I aimed myself blindly in its direction. I wasn't even noticing the heavy footfalls coming at me until a large pair of arms snatched me off the ground from behind.

“No. No. No. No. No. Don't go. Don't go. Don't go,” Ogre rambled. He pressed his head into the crook of my neck and I instinctively clutched his arms in relief. He set my feet to the pavement but continued his possessive embrace, afraid to let me go.

“I'm sorry, Steve.” I couldn't halt my voice's fractured rhythm. “I thought if I stayed David would figure us out. I didn't know what else to do.”

“I know. It's okay. I love you, baby. I don't want you to go. We just haven't dealt with this very well yet.”

“I don't want to out you and make you leave.” Ogre spun me around in his arms, refusing to let me go as his watery eyes bore into me.

“I'm not ready for that either, but don't ever think I want you to go away. I'm not letting you walk out on me just to beat me to the punch. I'm not going anywhere.”

Embarrassed, I couldn't bear his eyes. “Oh God, Steve. I'm not really this psycho.”

“It's not your fault. It's just been kinda intense since we've been together. It'll get better. I promise.”

Steve's voice burned my doubts away and I crushed myself into him and kissed him with everything I had in me. I didn't care if anyone saw at this point. The need to connect with him was consuming me. All too soon, the kiss ended and I sat my forehead against his.

“I'm sorry. I panicked.” Ogre looked up and wiped a tear off my cheek. A smile graced his lips and the craziness in my head began retreating. I looked up to find Heidi grinning at both of us, her eyes looking a little misty.

“It's all right. I've given you enough reason to run. I hope I can convince you not to in the future.”

“How did you guys find me?” I asked.

“I GPS'ed your phone,” Heidi replied.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I have a homemade app on my cell that can activate the GPS chip in any phone and direct you to it like a compass.” She spoke very matter-of-factly.

“Where did you get that?” Ogre asked.

“I wrote it along with the help of some guys that will no doubt still be virgins by the time they turn thirty. They also just happen to be some of the best hackers and programmers in the country. When you're the hot chick in the Computer Science department, you have access to all sorts of things.” Heidi smirked as she crossed her arms confidently.

“You Lo-Jacked me?”

“Your point?”

“That app doesn't exactly sound legal,” I said.

“I don't think we're finished shopping yet,” Heidi replied. I let the obvious evasion go with a laugh.

“I still need something for my mom. Will you come back in with us?” Ogre pleaded with a set of big puppy dog eyes. I melted.

“Of course I will.” I smiled back.

Ogre turned his back to me while maintaining his hold on one of my wrists. He pulled me closer and stooped down on one knee.

“Climb on my back.”

“Seriously?” I chided gently. “A piggy back ride? Are you afraid I'll run away if you don't carry me back inside?”

“A little, but you'd have good reason.” I climbed onto his back and wrapped my arms around his shoulders and neck. I pressed my face against his temple. “Did I tell you how much I love you?”

“Yes. But don't stop on my account, Steve.” I pressed my lips to him.

I closed my eyes as I relished the contact with my giant. All the insanity retreated when we were touching each other. I could take on the world as long as I had him. I squeezed my arms tightly around his neck as Steve walked us effortlessly back into the building. We had almost reached the door when Heidi finally made a sound.

“Damn it.” She shook her head as her happy grin expanded.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“Once you get past the unnecessary drama, you two are really good together.”