Recovery - 16. Chapter 16

Leaving Kei was the hardest thing Alex had ever had to do. He’d stayed as close to him as he could all afternoon, when they took him down to the ward and settled him in. He’d held his hand and reassured him, introduced himself to the other patients and their families and tried to ignore the gnawing pain in his stomach that grew worse and worse as time went on, as did the atmosphere between them.

Kei got quieter and quieter, refusing to speak to anyone and, by five o’clock wasn’t communicating with anyone in any way. No matter how much Alex begged, he wouldn’t say goodbye and the angry outburst earlier was nothing compared to the silent stare, the wordless turning away.

And now he was going back. It had only been two hours and a half but it felt like forever. He practically ran along the hospital corridor. but stopped outside the doors. Would Kei be happy to see him or would he still be angry? Would he speak or would he turn his back again? There were so many things going through his head it hurt. In the end he realised he had no choice. No matter what the reception he couldn’t bear to be away from Kei for another second.

“You alright, hun?” Rose asked, catching him up.

“No, not really. I will be once I’ve seen him and know he’s okay.”

But he wasn’t okay. He was lying on his back with Rose’s pillows behind him, staring up at the ceiling and looking grey and ill.

“Hell, Kei,” Alex said, sitting down. “What happened? What’s the matter?”

Kei turned his head as if it was too much effort to move at all. His eyes were dull. “Hard. Alex,” he said softly. “Tired.”

“Don’t worry about him?” the man in the next bed, called over. Alex looked up.

The ward had six beds, three on each side, and five of them were occupied. They were all men of varying ages. The one who had spoken looked to be about the same age as his mother. His name was Tom and they’d been introduced earlier that afternoon.

“The physios came to do an assessment. They’re evil bastards and it really took the stuffing out of him. He’ll be alright. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Relief flooded Alex and he smiled gratefully. “Thank you. It’s been hard on both of us moving down here.”

“Yeah, it’s a hard transition. My wife almost had a breakdown, I think.” He smiled fondly at the thought of his wife. “She was scared to go and scared to come back. We worked through it. So will you. Ah, speak of the devil.” He looked up at something behind Alex and his eyes lit lip up. Alex turned to see a neat blonde woman striding towards them, her heels clicking on the floor. At first sight she really didn’t look like the kind of woman to be married to the sweet, endearing, Tom. She was the epitome of a successful businesswoman.

However, as soon as their eyes met, her face changed entirely. It was as if a mask came off and her smile changed her. “I’m sorry I’m a little late, baby,” she said. “The traffic’s a nightmare and I just couldn’t get away from the office. In the end I told them to go to hell.”

“How did they take that?”

“Not well.” She shrugged. “I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Right now, you’re the important one. How are you feeling today?”

Alex turned away from their conversation to centre his attention on Kei again. Kei blinked heavily and sighed. “Hurts.”

“Were they tough on you, sweetheart?” Rose asked, stroking his hair. Kei looked at her with his dull eyes and nodded slowly. He sighed and closed his eyes.

“Are you okay, babe?” Alex leaned forward to kiss him and he barely responded.

“Hurt,” he whispered again.

“I know,” Alex said, kissing him again, “but it will get better.”

“Hope me so,” Kei murmured and sighed deeply, his eyelids drooping.

“Why don’t you take a nap?”

“No.” Kei shook his head and forced his eyes wide. “Miss you.”

“I know. I miss you too. Why don’t you sleep for an hour then I’ll wake you and we can have a half hour at the end.” Kei shook his head stubbornly. “Dude, you’re not going to be able to keep your eyes open for an hour and a half.”

“Am.”

“Whatever.”

“Here ,” Rose said, unloading a bag onto the bedside table. “We have some more orange squash, and some fruit. I know you like chocolate so I got some different kinds…buttons and a flake and…” Kei tried to smiled but it was obvious he wasn’t interested.

“I’ve brought you some toiletries too. I’m not sure when you’ll be allowed out of bed but I’ve got a toothbrush and toothpaste, soap, a washcloth, towel, some wet wipes so you can freshen up.

“I have clean pyjamas too but I think we’ll wait until tomorrow for that. You look exhausted.”

“Hmm.”

“Have you still got the books and magazines I got you? Oh yes. I got some more, just to make sure you have plenty to keep you occupied.”

“You know my mother,” Alex said, with a shrug. “She likes organising things.”

Kei gave a shadow of a smile and licked his lips. “Are you thirsty?” He nodded. There was a jug of water on the table that swung over the bed, as well as a couple of bottles of what looked like milkshake and a drinking cup.

“What would you like? Water, squash or milkshake?”

Kei shrugged heavily. “Whatever.”

“Can you manage to drink from the cup yourself?”

Kei shook his head tiredly.

“Okay, here.” Alex picked up one of the bottles of shake. It had a straw in it and Alex held it to Kei’s lips. He sucked half heartedly.

“Would you like some jelly?”

Kei shook his head.

The rest of the visit was much of the same. Kei hardly spoke and the other two chatted pointlessly. Kei looked almost glad when it was time for Alex and Rose to leave. Alex was almost in tears. He looked back from the door and it looked as if Kei was already asleep.

“It’s alright, darling,” Rose said, putting her arm around his shoulder. “It might not seem like it but this is progress.”

“You’re right. It doesn’t seem like it.”

“No one said it was going to be easy. Kei’s weak as a kitten and until he builds up his muscles again it’s going to be hard for him. It won’t take long though. He’ll be a different boy in a couple of days.

“I hope so. It’s killing me to have to leave him here like that. He seems so ill again, almost worse than ever and I just want to be with him and hold him and—“ His voice cracked and Rose put her arm around his shoulders.

“He’ll be alright. He’s going to be well taken care of.”

“I know but…”

“Go home, rest, call them in the morning for a check in, then come in fresh tomorrow. We can go shopping and get him some nice things.”

“Like what?”

“You know him, darling. What would he like?” Alex shrugged. “We’ll just have a look tomorrow then shall we?”

Alex expected to have a hard night. He expected to toss and turn and be able to think of nothing but Kei. In fact, he slept like a baby and Rose was right; he did feel a lot better the next day.

At first when Alex rang the hospital the next morning, he was told they couldn’t talk to him because Alex wasn’t family. After a very frustrating conversation, which was broken by his having to call Maria to help him explain, he was eventually put through to a rather sour voiced woman who told him Kei had had a restless night and was going to have his first sessions with the physio and speech therapist that morning.

The conversation left him feeling out of sorts. What did they mean by restless? Was that an euphemism? Had Kei been calling for him? Was he missing him? What would he find when he got to the hospital?

When Rose came to collect him for shopping he just wasn’t able to concentrate on anything. Rose tried hard to reassure him but he wouldn’t be happy until he was with Kei again.

Alex got more and more edgy as the time drew nearer and they were waiting at the ward door to get in. He had tried to get in earlier but was turned back. He was angry and frustrated but what could he do?

At precisely two o’clock he entered the ward and hurried to Kei’s bed. He was asleep.

“He’s had a rough day,” Tom said as they sat down. “I think the physio must have been really tough on him. He’s been sleeping off and on all day, not talking at all.” Tom sounded as worried as his words made Alex feel.

“Kei?” Alex said softly, and leaned over to kiss him. Kei stirred fitfully. He mumbled something then, eventually, his eyes fluttered open. At first, when he saw Alex, he lit up and tried to hold out his arms, but let them fall back with a grunt. “Sore, babe?” Alex asked and Kei nodded. “Was physio rough?” Again Kei nodded, the light draining from his eyes.

“You here weren’t.”

“No, I wish I could have been, but I couldn’t; I can’t.” Kei frowned and turned his head away. “Ah come on babe,” Alex said, with a sinking heart. “Don’t be like that. You know how it is. I can’t do anything about it.”

“Hmm.” Kei kept his face away.

“Kei, look at me.” Slowly, Kei turned his head, Alex expected him to be angry but he had tears in his eyes. “Ah babe, what’s wrong? Was it that bad?” Kei shook his head biting his lip to stop it trembling. “Kei?”

Kei crumbled and started to cry. Alex immediately threw his arms around him. “What it is?”

Kei was totally unable to speak and Alex simply held him, feeling helpless. One of the nurses came hurrying over. “Alex?” she asked. Alex nodded and she smiled. “You’ve got a big fan here,” she said. “Your name is just about the only thing we’ve been able to get out of him all day.”

“What’s wrong with him? Was the physio that bad? Have you thought that maybe it’s too much for him? After everything he’s been through this just isn’t fair.”

The nurse shook her head. “I don’t think it was the physio darling,” she said sadly, “I think it was the speech therapy that really upset him.”

Alex’s stomach flipped. “What did they tell him?”

“I don’t know exactly but the therapist came back with him. She was quite worried about him. She said he just stopped trying to communicate then physically collapsed. There’s nothing wrong with him,” she hurried to reassure Alex, “physically he’s fine but they obviously said or did something that really upset him. He’s not been engaging with anyone since.”

“It’s very important to him,” Alex said. “It just about killed him when he realised the problems he had speaking might be permanent. He’s a writer, a performer. Words are his life. I can imagine that if someone told him he might not be able to get that back it would have destroyed him. They should never have done that,” he said angrily. “I told them how it was upstairs and they promised they’d deal with it sensitively.”

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t in the notes that came down with him.”

“I bet that, if you read them properly you’d find it in there. No offence but I trust the people we worked with upstairs a lot more than I do you right now.”

The nurse looked a little taken aback, then she nodded. She pulled the curtains around the bed as she left. Alex immediately dismissed her from his attention. “Hey you, hey. Come on baby, calm down. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright. Whatever she told you, whatever happened, we can get past it. We can do this. Together, we can do anything.”

“No.” Kei said eventually, and shook his head. He looked totally exhausted. Alex gently laid him down, still holding him, and Rose brushed the damp hair out of his face. He turned heavy eyes on her, but didn’t return her smile.

“What’s the matter, darling?” she asked. “Tell us what’s wrong and we’ll help you.”

Kei shook his head and turned it away burying it into Alex’s shoulder. Every now and again, his body shook with a sob.

“Kei, please. Please talk to me.”

“Can’t,” he moaned. “Can’t.”

“Yes you can. I know you can. Okay, you get a bit mixed up but you know I’ve never had a problem understanding you, none of us have. Please tell me what happened. What did they say?”

Again, Kei shook his head and tried to hide his face. Alex pulled back and he tried to hold on but, as soon as he realised Alex was serious about getting distance, he let go and turned his head away. He closed his eyes and compressed his lips. Alex knew that look.

“Kei, this is no time to get closed and stubborn. I know what you’re like and I’m not going to let it happen. I didn’t think you were the kind of person who just gives up. You’ve never just given up without a fight. Have you turned into a quitter? A coward?”

Ordinarily this would have riled Kei, got some time of reaction. This time he didn’t respond at all.

“Kei, it’s me, it’s Alex. If you can’t talk to me you can’t talk to anyone and that’s a bad, bad thing. Please let me try to help you, please.”

Kei moaned and shook his head. “No point,” he whispered.

“No point in what?”

“Anything.”

“That’s a stupid thing to say. So what if you have problems speaking? So what if you always do? I’m still here. We’re still together and that’s the point.”

Kei opened his eyes and looked up at Alex. He frowned, sniffed and shook his head. “Bad, Alex,” he said with trembling lips and sniffed. “Really bad.”

“What’s bad?”

“Speak I can’t, not ever.”

“They can’t say that. No one can say that, not yet. You know what the doctor said. She said you’re likely to improve at least some. If you work hard—.”

“Can’t.”

“What do you mean can’t? Hard work has never worried you before. You’ve always worked hard at everything. I know it’s not easy. It’s hard to push on when you hate what’s happening to you but the therapist will give you exercises and if you work hard and concentrate—.”

“Can’t.”

“What do you mean, can’t? Kei please, just tell me what’s going on.”

Kei sighed and went completely limp, his eyes dull and heavy. He took a deep breath. “Can’t speak,” he said, in a tiny voice. “Can’t write. Can’t work. Can’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

Kei snarled at him. “Can’t. Anything. Can’t…. No point. Nothing.”

“Kei, there is a point. No matter what happened, there is a point. I love you, and that’s the point. I love you and I’ll help you and…” Kei pushed him hard in the chest.

“Go.”

“What?”

“Go,” he shouted.

“Oh no, not this time. I love you too much to leave you when you’re like this. You can fight me, you can scream at me, you can do whatever you want but I’m not leaving you.”

“Go. Go. Go,” Kei snarled, pounding on his chest.

“No. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Go.”

“No.”

Kei stared up into Alex’s face and there was so much pain in his eyes it just about killed Alex to look at him. “It’s going to be alright, Kei. I promise you, it’s going to be alright. I’m right here with you all the way.

Kei took a deep shaky breath. “Can’t…” He took another shaky breath. “Walk.”

“I know, you’re weak at the moment but….”

Kei shook his head. “No…balance. Can’t. Do. Anything.” He paused between each word, his eyes fixed on Alex.

“We’ll work with it. We’ll do something about it. I don’t know what right now, but I’ll speak to the doctor and see what we can do. There’s bound to be something. It’s early days, Kei, really early days. Things are going to get better, I promise things will get better.”

Kei shook his head, but didn’t fight anymore. He laid his head against Alex’s chest and sighed. Alex held him gently. He was trembling. “It’s going to be alright,” Alex said over and over, rocking him. His

eyes met Rose’s over Kei’s head.

“Stay with him,” Rose said quietly. “I’ll go and see what I can find out.”

It was over an hour before she got back and she looked grim. Kei was asleep and Alex, still holding him, his cheek resting on Kei’s hair. Alex watched her as she sat down and gave Kei a compassionate look.

“He’s got a lot of problems, Alex,” she said. “ a lot of problems.”

“What kind of problems?” Alex asked, alarmed by her expression and the tone of her voice.

“The Aphasia’s the least of them. The problem he’s got with that is that his concentration’s shot. He can’t retain the exercises and his concentration wanders when he’s trying to do them. He really did try hard but he just can’t manage to hold onto the things she’s trying to teach him for long enough to get it. It’s the same with writing and reading. It’s all just a jumble of symbols to him and he can’t concentrate for long enough to make sense of them.”

“But they can do something for him, can’t they? They can help him with that?”

“They can try, if he wants to work at it. If he tries hard they can improve it, yes. At the moment they have no idea how far he can go. If his concentration improves, all the rest of it will come. If not….”

“He might never get it? He might never be able to read or write or speak properly ever again?”

“It’s possible.”

“Oh God. No wonder he—.”

“That’s not all, Alex. That’s not why he collapsed.”

“There’s more? More than that?”

“He’s got severe problems with balance. He’s had all kinds of scans and tests and they think that a small part of his brain was…damaged.”

“What part? Balance isn’t so bad is it? I mean, he never was very coordinated.”

“No, Alex, it’s worse than that. He can’t stand up. It’s hard for him to sit upright for too long and if he tries to get up on his feet for too long he passes out.”

“So… what does that mean?”

“I means…. Unless the balance issue improves he might… He might not be able to walk.”

“Ever?”

“It’s a possibility.”

Alex felt as if someone had hit him in the stomach and he had to work hard not to be sick. He couldn’t imagine it. He just couldn’t imagine a Kei who couldn’t walk or talk or read or…. It wouldn’t be Kei at all. No wonder he was… No point. Was there a point? Was there…? Would it have been better if…? “No,” he said out loud. “No, I won’t accept that. I can help him. I know I can help him and when he comes to terms with it Kei will get his fighting spirit back and he’ll try hard. He’ll work at it and he’ll get better. I’ll make him get better.”

Kei stirred in his arms and groaned, but he didn’t wake. Alex was glad about that. He really didn’t want to have to face Kei right now. He didn’t want Kei to have to see his face. His expression wasn’t pretty. His mind raced from one thought to another, from one possibility to another.

He looked up with little attention when the curtain was drawn aside. He was surprised to see a doctor and nurse. The doctor was an older, distinguished looking gentlemen and, for a moment, Alex tensed, expecting an arrogant, belittling arsehole like the other one upstairs. However, when this man spoke it was immediately apparent he was going to be sweet and gentle.

“I understand Kei is very distressed by what happened today. I’m very sorry, it seems that it wasn’t handled very well. I’ve read Kei’s notes and you’re absolutely right, there is a note that suggests careful handling in certain areas. You must all be feeling very unsettled at moment. A lot has happened in a short period of time and it must be distressing for you.”

“I don’t care about us,” Alex said defensively. “All I care about is Kei and he’s in a terrible state.”

“I understand that, but it’s not as bad as it seems and I need to talk to Kei about it before the burden becomes too heavy for him bear and he gives up.”

“I think you’re too late for that,” Alex said grimly. “I’ve never seen him like this before. He keeps saying ‘no point’ and I really believe he means it.”

“That’s unfortunate. Truly unfortunate. I think I should speak to him as soon as possible.”

“He’s asleep,” Alex said unnecessarily. “He’s exhausted.”

“I understand, but I really think the sooner I speak to him the sooner I can relieve his mind a little.”

“Alright.” Alex shifted and stroke Kei’s hair. “Hey baby. There’s someone here who wants to talk to you.”

“Hmm?” Kei stirred and eventually opened his eyes and blinked up at Alex. Despite everything he smiled at him.

“There’s someone here who wants to talk to you, Kei. I think you’ll want to hear what he’s got to say.”

Kei blinked and looked up at the doctor, then winced, shrinking back.

“Hello, Kei. My name is Dr Andrews, I’m your consultant neurologist and I want to have the talk with you, you should have had some time ago. I understand you’re upset by the early results of your tests. I’m not going to belittle you by trying to suggest your problems are not severe. They are. You’ve got a lot to overcome but, with a lot of hard of hard work, they can be overcome, at least to a degree.”

Kei pulled away from Alex a little, frowning, but listening.

“The most significant problems are your balance and concentratio. Both of those can be treated and worked on.”

“Really?” Kei was taking a lot more notice now.

“Really. There are a lot of very good treatments for both. Balance problems, in particular can be successfully treated in a lot of cases to bring significant relief if not a total cure. It may be, you’ll have to take medication and do certain exercises for the rest of your life but it can be treated.”

“I…I can…walk?”

“No reason why not. No reason at all. If you work hard, do your exercises, take your medication regularly. It will take time but it is possible. I’m not going to lie to you, Kei, it will take hard work. Initially, the exercises for the balance and for the weakness in your legs will be hard and even painful and you need to work very, very hard.”

“I can. I will.”

“Good. From reading your file I didn’t think you were a quitter. The concentration issues are a little harder to deal with, but again, there are exercises to stretch your brain and it can re learn to do all the things you’ve taken for granted. You can learn to read and write. You can learn to speak, but it’s going to be long hard road, and a frustrating one. It will be some time before you see significant improvement and you have to handle the extreme frustration that’s likely to occur before then. You won’t get better unless you practice and practicing means you have to read, write and speak. You have to handle the fact that you can’t do any of them as well as you did before, that, in effect you have to go right back to the beginning and totally re learn, like a baby does. It’s frustrating and embarrassing and mind numbingly boring. But you have to go through that to see the improvement.”

“Alright. Do I can it.”

“I’m sure you can. You have to work hard and I don’t believe you’re one to run from that. You’re going to need a positive attitude and a lot of help from your family and friends. I think you’ll get that.”

Kei looked at Alex with an adoring expression on his face. “I love you,” he said. “You love me. We can…. Do…. It.”

“Oh fucking right we can. I’ll do anything, anything for you, you know that.”

The doctor was smiling. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I think it might be good for you to start moving around a bit. I’ll get the nurse to bring in a chair and maybe your family can take you down to thecanteen, just to get you out of the ward for a while.”

“Can he…can he have something to eat?”

“He can have what he likes. Physically he’s fine. He needs to build up his strength now.”

Kei blinked up at the doctor. “How…? I can’t…”

“I don’t want to hear that word from you again, Kei,” the doctor said, with a smile. “No more ‘can’t’, okay?”

“Okay,” Kei said, shyly. “I…try.”

“Good enough.” Dr Andrews smiled, nodded and disappeared.

“Feeling better now, sweetheart,” Rose asked. Kei looked at her. His eyes looked enormous in a pinched, pale face. He nodded but she could see he wasn’t convinced.

Alex got up on the bed and pulled Kei close. He felt fragile and there didn’t seem to be any strength in him at all. He just seemed endlessly weary.

“It’ll be alright,” Alex said, pulling him close. “It seems like an impossible journey now, but we’ll do it like we always do, one step at a time. Remember what we talked about when we both freaked about exams. Once step at a time. One day at a time. One—.”

“Exams,” Kei said suddenly, pulling away. “Oh shit. Missed.”

“Yeah, but we had a good reason and there’s always next year.”

“We? No. You? You exams missed. You…for me. No.” Kei’s face crumpled and he closed his eyes.

“Kei, stop.” Alex took his face between his hands and stared into his eyes. “I don’t care about the exams. I’ll sit them next year. It’s one year out of our lives and we have the rest of them to do whatever we want with. Tell me that all this hasn’t brought us closer together.”

“I….”

“Hasn’t it?”

“I….” Kei frowned. “I don’t under…stand. Why? What?” He looked distraught at not understanding what Alex was talking about. Alex felt something the same but managed to smile.

“Do you love me more now than ever?”

Kei’s face cleared and he smiled. He shook his head and Alex stomach somersaulted. “I…can’t”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to say that?”

“Can’t. Love. You. More. Love you every…thing.”

Alex smiled as the sun came out on his life. He hugged Kei closely and kissed him. They were still gazing into each other’s eyes and smiling when the nurse came with the chair.

It wasn’t an ordinary wheelchair. It seemed more solid somehow. There were straps to go around the chest calves and forearms and a weird head rest. Kei eyed it doubtfully.

“It looks like it designed for torture and interrogation,” Rose said, voicing what the boys were thinking.

The nurse laughed. “Some of our patients need a little help keeping upright,” the nurse said. “Don’t worry about it, Kei, I’m not going to strap you in, unless the chest strap makes you feel more stable once you’re in. The seat tilts back a little and the headrest positions your head to relieve the dizziness. We can change the angle so you let me know how it feels okay?”

“Okay,” Kei said slowly, frowning at the chair.

“Right then, Can we move this lovely lady out of the way and we’ll get going.” Rose quickly scooted out of the way, taking her chair with her. The nurse positioned the wheelchair next to the bed and raised the head of the bed until it was upright. “How are you feeling?”

“Dizzy a bit.”

“Is it bearable?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, just keep your head as still as you can and relax your neck. Try not to clench up if you get dizzy. Close your eyes if you need to and just relax into it, okay.”

“I… Yes, Okay.”

With expert ease, the nurse swung Kei’s legs over the edge of the bed, caught him around the waist and lifted him into the chair.”

“There. That wasn’t do bad was it?”

Kei opened his eyes and blinked at her in surprise. “No. Not bad.”

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yes.”

“Not too dizzy?”

“Little.”

“Alright, how’s this?”

She made a few adjustments to the chair and, although at first Kei whimpered as it made things much worse, with a few more adjustments she had him smiling. “I feel good,” he said.