Advent - 8. Chapter 8 - St. Stephen

December 26^th – St. Stephen

From Catholic Online:

“His hearers plugged their ears and refused to listen to another word. They dragged St. Stephen outside the city of Jerusalem and stoned him to death. The saint prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit!" Then he fell to his knees and begged God not to punish his enemies for killing him.”

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‘This was a huge mistake,’ Danny thought to himself. ‘I can’t believe I let them talk me into this.’

Danny was sitting in a pew in the chapel at the hospice where Brian was. His parents, actually Brian’s mother, had convinced him to attend a short service before they turned off the machines. Danny didn’t want to go but Jenny and Allen had talked him into it. Now he felt like a whore in church or a superfluous third nipple. Whatever it was, he was about as wanted as a redheaded stepchild. He never should have come.

Cayden had offered to attend with him, but he’d refused. The presence of a new boyfriend as he was about to pull the plug on his husband was too weird to even consider. Right now, Brian’s family was standing around talking, about him, as though he wasn’t there. Brian’s mother had heard about the Christmas Eve party and broke down into a torrent of tears.

Jenny was comforting her and Brian’s father. Brian loved Christmas and that seemed to be the topic of conversation now. Perhaps having the party had been a mistake but it actually went rather well.

Christmas Eve afternoon had been a fun time with Danny’s parents, sisters, nieces and nephew. Cayden had come with him and everyone had been warm and welcoming. They had a nice afternoon spread of roast turkey in a crockpot with buns, salads, and lots of rum cake. It was a casual time of snacking and having a couple beers with his parents while the children were opening presents. Nobody mentioned the fact Brian was missing from this Christmas gathering, and Danny couldn’t be more relieved. He was also pleased his mother had given Cayden a gift to open. Cayden had been surprised at the kind gesture.

Next up, they went to Danny’s house and got the food ready for the reunion Christmas Eve night. Jenny arrived first and chatted easily with Cayden while sipping some mulled wine. Everyone else showed up around nine o’clock and it had been a subdued party, obviously more of a wake than a party.

Brian’s brother and sister-in-law stopped by about ten or so. They gave Danny a present, met Cayden, and left shortly thereafter. It hadn’t exactly been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t as merry as previous years. Brian’s absence was like a missing tooth. Everyone kept talking about him in Christmas pasts. Cayden had been a constant helper and Danny never really felt like breaking down. He thought he would but the quiet conversations had distracted him.

Danny thought it was especially kind that his friends all complimented Cayden on the cookies he’d made and brought with him. They didn’t have to do that. This group had been Brian and Danny’s group and welcoming Cayden in was a surprise to him. It was all so new, making the transition between being Brian’s husband and becoming Cayden’s boyfriend. But, his friends seemed to be accepting Cayden as one of their own. Danny had worried about that but even Brian’s brother Allen had approached Cayden and said the green cornflake and marshmallow wreaths were delicious. They had been Brian’s favorite.

In fact, before they left, Allen and Clare told Danny he should stop by Brian’s parents’ house the next day, Christmas Day. They always spent that day with Brian’s family and Allen said his mother wanted this to continue. Danny didn’t want to go, but he accepted the invitation. The party didn’t last too much longer after they left. It had been a pleasant night, but not a joyous one.

Cayden spent the night and held him all night long. Danny left the lights on the Christmas tree shining brightly all night long, like Brian always had. He had to give Brian that part of his Christmas tradition. Cayden understood, as he did most everything.

The next day Cayden and Danny had a special breakfast and opened their gifts to each other. Cayden gave Danny some movies and a sweater. He’d even filled two stockings with candy and fruit and hung them by the television to be found that morning. Danny thought it was a sweet gesture.

Danny got Cayden a couple of new shirts and a Christmas ornament, a Green Bay Packer’s football made of crystal. Cayden hung it on the Christmas tree and that made Danny tear up, but he held it together. After breakfast, they watched the movie ‘Elf’ and laughed at Will Ferrell’s character. Cayden went to his mother’s and Danny drove to Brian’s parents’ house at noon.

That had been uncomfortable, but not terrible. Brian’s mother had gifts tagged with Brian and Danny’s names. That hurt, but he didn’t cry. They ate a quiet dinner of ham and mashed potatoes and opened the gifts. There was very little talk as the family gathered in the living room. Danny made a quick exit after opening the presents with Brian’s name and left them in the corner.

He couldn’t bear to take them with him.

Danny then drove to Diane’s and Cayden was there to open the door for him. Danny smiled for the first time that day, really smiled. Diane’s sister and her children were there. Cayden had loaded up the floor around the Christmas tree for his little cousins. Diane gave Danny a sweater wrapped gaily in bright red paper with gold ribbons. The group laughed and joked. The kids played with their new toys and fought and chased each other. It was a happy Christmas scene and Danny was so glad he’d joined them. Without any connection to Brian, Cayden’s family was openly joyful. Danny needed that.

Christmas night, Cayden came home with Danny. They sat on the couch and watched movies until midnight. Overall, Danny felt he’d endured his first Christmas without Brian better than he thought he would. He had started crying during ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ but Cayden hadn’t said anything. He just held Danny closely and kissed him on the cheek.

That night, Danny had a dream.

He was walking through their house and he smelled smoke. Brian had left a pot burning on the stove, again. He walked through the impossibly large house and finally got to the kitchen. Danny pulled the lid off the smoking pot and at the bottom was Brian covered and entangled in spaghetti noodles. He was looking at Danny, his eyes begging. Danny put the lid aside and turned off the stove. Brian’s eyes closed, relieved.

Danny turned away from the stove and he felt a gust of air travel around him. He heard Brian’s voice. His voice said ‘thank you.’

Danny woke up crying. Cayden held him and soothed him.

Brian said goodbye. Brian was gone. Today was just a formality.

In the morning, Allen called and asked for Danny to come to the service. Danny couldn’t say no.

Now he was stuck in a pew in a chapel with everyone in Brian’s family talking about the Christmas Eve party and Cayden. Allen had mentioned his name and Brian’s mother asked who that was.

Allen told her and Brian’s father looked angrily at Danny. Danny wished he could just melt away through the floor. Brian’s mother was a mess and kept looking over at him. Danny felt like a heel.

Allen and Clare were whispering to Brian’s parents now. Jenny was talking animatedly and softly in Brian’s dad’s ear. After some quiet words were exchanged, Brian’s parents seemed to settle down.

“Honey, it’s okay. They just weren’t expecting someone else in your life, not yet,” Danny’s mother whispered in his ear. Danny’s father reached over and rubbed Danny’s neck protectively. “It’ll be fine. Cayden helped you get to this point. He’s a good guy.”

Danny didn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect Cayden to be anyone’s hero, but his mother seemed to believe he was Danny’s hero. That helped and his sorrow eased a bit. Seeing Brian’s parents so upset had really affected him, far more than what he was about to do. Say goodbye. He’d already really said goodbye. Brian had too.

Everyone started sitting down, finally. Danny watched as a minister, Presbyterian he thought, shuffled to the front of the chapel. Rev. White had spoken with him briefly about Brian. He didn’t know his husband at all and Danny told him a few things that would be appropriate. Danny just wished this would be over.

“Friends and family of Brian Gustafson, we are gathered here to say goodbye to a dear loved one. I didn’t know Brian myself, but his husband, Danny, told me this was his favorite time of year. Brian loved Christmas and preparing for Christmas. Sometimes we forget that Advent, a time of preparation, is as important as our Savior’s birth. Without the prophecies of the Old Testament, without the birth of John the Baptist, and without the acts of the Roman Emperor, Jesus’ birth wouldn’t have the power it does.

The minister was obviously warming to the subject at hand. Danny wondered where he was going with this.

“Advent is a time of transition with the world getting darker each day in December. Finally, at the end of the season, the light of the world enters in the form of Christ. We use many symbols to get ready for His birth and those symbols help us keep in mind how transitions are as important as the event itself.

“Brian’s life is now ending. This is the last event in his life here on earth. But it’s not his end. Brian will now move to a better place, a place our Savior has prepared for him. It has been a difficult year for all of you but now is time for rest. It is time for Brian to go into the light and move to a place of peace and serenity. It has been a challenge to get to this place, but Brian’s Advent is now over. It is time for him to be allowed to go. Just remember Brian will never be completely absent from your lives. His memory and his love reside forever in your hearts and minds.”

Danny’s tears flowed silently. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t cry but the minister was right. Brian was part of him. Brian was also going to a better place. This part of his life was over, but it would always be part of him, regardless of what he did.

It had taken many changes to get to this place. His own advent had happened. It wasn’t just Brian’s preparation for heaven or wherever he’d be. It had been his as well. Danny realized Cayden had really been his Advent calendar of sorts. Without the man, would he be ready to let go? Danny doubted that.

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Danny stood on one side of the hospice bed and Brian’s family was on the other side. Brian’s motionless body was like a gulf, a chasm between them. No, Danny thought. Brian isn’t a divide at all. Brian is the link between Danny and Brian’s family. They were about to pull the plug, well, that wasn’t entirely correct. It wasn’t a plug that was going to be pulled. They would just turn off the ventilator and Brian would be gone. This wouldn’t take long, they had assured him.

Danny held Brian’s lifeless hand in his. It was very pale and a little cool already. It was also kind of curled in Danny’s two hands. Brian was already gone but it was time to say goodbye for the last time. Danny could feel wetness on his cheeks. He thought he’d gotten that all out of his system. But, it wasn’t apparently. Obviously he was still feeling sadness, though no longer for himself. Now, he was just sad to let this last connection go dark.

The doctor turned off the machines and Danny thought the room would be silent but it wasn’t. There were still machines running as well as the sobs from Brian’s family. Instead of a quiet peace, there was a murmur of despair.

“You know how much my Brian loved you, right?” Danny heard Brian’s mother say. He looked up and saw both of his husband’s parents were looking at him. Danny nodded afraid to speak. Brian’s dad wasn’t looking angry any longer. Now he just looked lost, sad, and powerless. Danny had to say something. What could he say?

“I know he loved me with all his heart. I love him so. I just can’t,” Danny croaked out before he began heaving deep sobs and kept saying he was sorry over and over.

“It’s okay son. It’s time for us to let him go,” Brian’s father said softly and smiled through the tears on his cheeks.

Danny nodded again and then the doctor stepped next to him. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Danny gave the doctor a meager smile and saw the monitor had flat-lined. The doctor put his stethoscope on Brian’s chest and listened for a moment.

“It’s done. Brian’s gone.”

Danny took a deep breath and lifted Brian’s hand. He kissed it looking at his husband’s empty face and open eyes that had glazed over so long ago. The doctor closed Brian’s lids and for the last time Danny saw those lovely glittering eyes that had rocked his world for over ten years.

Danny placed Brian’s hand down, leaned over for one last kiss, and whispered, “Farewell.” Without another word, Danny stood back up, and walked away. If he never saw a place like this again, he’d live a happy life. He wiped his tears and went to his parents who were waiting in the hall. They held him but he didn’t cry again. He just felt empty, like he imagined Brian did before.

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“How’re you doing?” Cayden asked as Danny picked him up from Diane’s later that day.

“I’m much better now,” Danny admitted. He was feeling more together, finally. Riding with his parents away from that hospice after saying goodbye to Brian, Danny remembered all Cayden had done with him and for him during this past four weeks. Cayden had been his own transition from Brian’s husband to a widower. It hurt but he felt like he didn’t really NEED Cayden any longer. That really hurt to realize.

“I thought today would be like the end of my life. It wasn’t. I finally feel free again.”

“Huh, I never thought you’d say that,” Cayden said, surprised.

“No, I’m free from the feelings of being trapped with someone who had already left me. I just didn’t know it but I had created this prison for myself. I was stuck in a stasis that had no end. Now I know what purgatory is,” Danny tried to explain. He didn’t know if words could explain what had changed within him. “I’m glad to be free again.”

“I’m happy you’re feeling better.” Cayden paused and cleared his throat, “What about me?” Cayden asked quietly, almost afraid to look at Danny.

Danny didn’t know how to say it, but he knew he needed to say the words. “Remember when I called you my Advent calendar?” Cayden nodded still looking at his hands. “Well, you were. You were the guy that helped me get past me and Brian. I needed that.”

“You don’t have to say anymore,” Cayden said, his deep bass quivering with feeling.

“No, listen to me,” Danny said pausing. “Please understand. I don’t need you anymore Cayden. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I really, really like what we’ve started. I wanna see where it goes, if you do.”

Cayden looked up, his eyes shining with hope. “Really, you want me?”

“Yeah, I do. I realized earlier you aren’t something I have to have. You are someone I want to share my life with.”

Cayden sighed, relieved. He reached over and took Danny’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Both men had tears in their eyes for the exact same reason. Their advent was over. It was time for their arrival of the light.