A Love Story with a Prisoner of War - 23. We'll be Fine

Since the day that the yellow envelope and the Temiskaming Speaker rolled up, all of us seemed to have lost the ability to smile. It seemed that grief was tangible in every corner in the house.

I no longer had to fret about when the Williams’ would find Axel and me a burden and ask us to leave, because right now, they were more than grateful for our presence. After the bombshell was dropped at the Williams’, I became the only one keeping the household running – while the Williams’ would ensconce themselves on the sofa, worrying sick about Nick (and Jordan), I would do all sorts of things that needed to be done, everything ranging from cleaning to cooking, though my culinary skills were far from satisfactory.

The distress had aged the Williams’, a lot, especially Stephen’s wife. She was only fifty years old, but her puffed up eyes, her withered face, and her pallid complexion made her look like a seventy-year-old dying cancer patient. Whenever I saw her weep, I would remind her there was still a glimmer of hope that Nick was actually somewhere on earth, still breathing. It pained me to know Nick had gone missing, but it’s no use grieving every single minute, because you know, life still had to go on…

The week after we learned about Sebastian’s death, Axel was dispirited, lacking energy and enthusiasm for everything. Whenever he looked out of the window, gazing at the desolate view outside, and started to grieve for Sebastian, I would ask him to revise English or teach me German to keep his mind off of his dead brother. I knew I was the only one who could help him get on his feet again. I recalled that after my dad died from blood cancer a couple of years ago, mum, Jake, and I were deeply depressed, but luckily we comforted each other, and I soon got over the depression precisely because of their unwavering support So, at night in bed, I would cuddle Axel tight, pleasure his equipment if he let me, and remind him how much I love him. To my relief, Axel’s mournfulness was ebbing away day by day.

‘I got your back,’ I whispered to Axel, ‘forever and always.’

*   *   *

The Siberian weather began to ease off with every passing day and it would soon be replaced by the joy of spring. This time last year, I was very glad that spring was approaching. But right now, I was praying spring would never set foot in Northern Canada because the deathly cold temperature was the only thing that could prevent mum from coming to the Williams’ and spreading our secret to the world. Though I hoped the secret would never be disseminated, I had figured out a few plans to handle the potential plight: 1) Move down to North Bay where my dad’s sister lived. 2) Tell the world that mum had gone mad, imagining things. 3) Go to Toronto to start a new life. The last option was our last resort – I had never been there and I didn’t know a soul in Toronto, but I didn’t think finding a job in a big city like Toronto would be difficult. I loved the north and my roots would forever be in the north – I didn’t want to uproot myself and reside in other places, but what choices did I have?

Homosexuality, in official terms, was punishable by imprisonment in Canada, but the fact that we were in a remote and secluded town in the north almost ruled out the possibility of us being prosecuted because the closest police station was guarded by an old veteran who never worked and the closest courthouse was a few hundred miles in Winnipeg. And the country was at war, so there were no officials who would spend time on trivial matters like sodomy, so I was not too worried about being prosecuted even if the news was spread.

*   *   *

As soon as February had left, March arrived. Despite the melting snow and the rising temperature, we hadn’t spotted any sign of mum. Perhaps she had forgiven us? The days came and went, and nothing eventful happened until one morning when I was cooking.

I was in the kitchen preparing breakfast when I heard a knock at the door.

‘I’ll get it,’ I shouted, putting the knife in my hand down, and rushing to the door.

No sooner had I opened the door than a familiar face came into sight.

‘Oh my God,’ I muttered, my mind racing.

Stepping forward, I folded the person in my arms, one hand on his head and one on his back, pushing him so hard into me that I could even feel his heartbeat. ‘I miss you,’ I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes, ‘Jake, how are you? I miss you.’

‘Come home,’ Jake said, tears trickling down his chubby cheeks, breaking away from my hug.

‘I want to, but how ‘bout mum? Has she forgiven us?’ I asked, as my hands wiped the dripping tears off his face.

‘She fell ill a week after you left and she has been sick since then. And the fever just wouldn’t go away. She can’t stand or eat. She just lies on the bed all day long. I fetched the doctor to the house twice and mum has shown no sign of improvement even with the prescribed medicine.’ Jake said, voice choking with sorrow. ‘I can’t handle it alone anymore,’ Jake continued, tears rolling down his face. ‘Come home. I need you.’

As much as I hated mum for what she did to Axel and me, knowing she was gravely ill made my heart ache. And his words were like a pair of scissors cutting up my heart into pieces and I felt sadness and bitterness flaring up inside me.

‘Oh my God, Jake. I’m sorry...’ I whispered as I hugged Jake again, ‘Does mum want to see me?’

‘She has gone crazy because of you. No way she wants to see you, she keeps ranting how God hates you, but I really need you Xav. I need to cook, take care of mum, handle the land, feed the animals, and I don’t have enough time and energy for everything. Spring will be here soon and the land needs good hands. You need to come back or the land will become barren,’ Jake said, his body trembling.

‘Will mum try to hurt me? And if I come back, Axel will be with me,’ I told him, unsure if I wanted to go home and see my mum.

‘Oh God! She is incapable of peeing on her own! Let alone hurting you!’ Jake snorted, breaking away from my hug. ‘As long as you and Axel stay out of her sight, I think that’s fine.’

‘Ok. I’ll come back today. I’m sorry for all the troubles that I’ve caused. I wish all these never happened. I miss you Jake, I really do. And by the way, did you get the Temiskaming Speaker in early January? Nick has been reported missing.’ I said gravely.

‘Oh God. We received the Speaker, but I didn’t have time to read it. But oh God, are the Williams’ doing ok?’ Jake asked in a sympathetic tone.

‘No. They’re dying inside,’ I replied.

Silence.

‘So Xav. Um, I’ll see you later today. I’ll make sure mum cannot hurt you two. See you.’ As soon as Jake’s voice trailed off, he waved goodbye to me and hurried back home.

‘See you, Jake.’

I watched Jake running back, his figure shrinking and shrinking into an insignificant speck, and finally disappearing in the distance.

*   *   *

After Jake’s visit, I told the news to Axel, who was slightly disconcerted by the potential threat from my mum. Living with mum was a danger, but Jake really needed our help and I couldn’t watch him suffer alone. I reassured Axel that mum couldn’t harm us and we would leave home once she had recovered.

Everyone was at the table, spooning breakfast into their mouths when I stood up and announced the planned departure.

‘Jake came by and told me that my mum has forgiven us. So…so I think it’s time for us to go home,’ I said. ‘Thank you for letting us stay for so long. We could have died in the cold.’

Hearing the news, the Williams stopped eating, letting my announcement sink in for a moment.

‘We should be the one thanking you,’ Stephen said, sincerity in his voice, ‘we were all devastated by the news, but you keep our hopes up and took great care of us. We were the lucky ones.’

‘I can’t agree more. It’s good to have some young souls in the house; you two made us feel so much younger,’ Andy added.

Feeling flattered, I felt my face blushing scarlet.

‘We’ll miss you in the house; you have been a great help to us all, and we’re sorry for what Otto did to Axel,’ Stephen’s wife said.

‘We love you guys as much as we love Nick and Jordan,’ Andy’s wife said.

‘Oh, guys, it’s not a permanent goodbye. Please don’t make it so sad. We’ll still see each other very often,’ I said, hoping they would not make our departure sadder than it should be.

‘You’re right. So… finish up your breakfast,’ Andy said, his face creasing into a gentle smile.

*   *   *

After exchanging pleasantries and saying goodbyes, Axel and I started to walk back to where it all started with the snow crunching beneath our feet. The temperature was low; it was 15 Celsius or less, it was only March, after all. The sun was shining high overhead, trying to awaken the sleeping nature as the wind blew gently across the empty crop field, telling the world that spring was almost here.

Once we were out of the Williams’ sight, our hands came together, fingers laced, heart beating for one another. What was lying ahead of us? I wondered. More troubles or a better future? I didn’t know, but one thing I knew for certain was that as long as I had Axel beside me, I didn’t care.

After ten minutes or so, the house where I was born and bred came into view; it was a two-story white-painted structure, a standard house for families in the north. The closer we got to my house, the more my palms sweated and the faster my heart beat.

Sensing my unease, Axel held my hand tighter, looked me in the eyes and said, ‘We’ll be fine.’