Recovery - 20. Chapter 20

“The thing is,” Shay said over lunch, “you have no one to talk to. They have therapists and doctors and all sorts, but we have no one.”

Shay and Alex hit it off right from the start. For one thing, Shay was a surfer with an intimate knowledge of all the local beaches. At one time in his life, Alex had been obsessed with surfing and thought nothing of driving a hundred miles to catch a good wave. He’d even been saving to go to California. That all went out the window when he met his new obsession. Not that he minded, and he still went surfing on weekends sometimes, but it was exciting to him to find someone who shared his passion.

Shay’s sister, Kathryn had also been a keen surfer, until a diving accident had left her with a broken neck and little chance of walking, let alone surfing, again. Against all the odds, Kathryn had fought her way back, and was well on the road to recovery. Shay’s love for her shone like a beacon, and she blossomed in his presence, clearly worshipping her big brother, who seemed able to anticipate her needs. Their parents had saved for months to send them both to the spa, and their enthusiasm and energy were really uplifting, even as they were humbling.

Kei had been very quiet since the incident in the pool, hardly speaking when Alex helped him dress and stroll to one of the four beautiful restaurants at the complex. Shay and Kathryn were a week and a half into a three week stay, and they were able to show the two boys around, and pick out some of the high and low points.

“I have my parents and friends,” Alex said hurriedly. “They’ve all been great.”

“I’m sure they have, but it’s not the same, not really. You should go to one of the support group meetings. They’re great. The guy who runs them is a behavioural therapist, although he really doesn’t come across as a shrink at all. We do meditation and relaxation techniques, as well as talk about difficulties we’re facing helping the ones we love. Everyone has a different story, but there are themes and coping mechanisms.

“One of the really important things,” he said, waving his fork in the air, “is talking honestly, no matter how difficult it is.”

“I know,” Alex said uncomfortably. He bowed his head over his plate, and wished the floor would open up and swallow him. Throughout the conversation he’d felt Kei’s eyes on him, and was afraid to look.

“It…not…easy.” Kei said, making Alex sit up, as if a pin had been stuck in his behind. Kei looked thoughtful. “For…him. Didn’t think…how… him for hard it is too.” He shook his head and sighed. “Frustrates me the hell it does but…hard…for Alex too. All hard…for Alex. I…easy…selfish to be and think of not myself only.” Kei took a deep breath, laying down his cutlery.

“So sorry…I…me…Alex. Selfish. No.” He stopped Alex when he would have spoken. “True. Wrapped in…fear…pity…angry. Not think at all Alex and hard.” He bit his lip and look down. “Right. Alex. Brat me be. Sorry.”

“Kei, babe. I understand that you’re frustrated. Really, really I do. And I understand why you get so angry sometimes. It’s just….”

“Not…help…myself.”

“Yes. That’s it. That’s the worst thing. You don’t help yourself anymore. You’re not fighting anymore. It scares me. When you cut yourself off from what’s going on around you, and build this… bubble around you that no one can get through…not even me. You won’t listen, and you won’t try and I… I get scared.”

“Scared?”

“I want you to get better, Kei. I want you to be as close to what you were before as we can get. Not because I don’t love you just as you are, but because I know you won’t be happy until you’re back to that.”

Kei nodded. “Yes.”

“A lot of it is in your mind, Kei,” Kathryn said, seriously. “I mean, recovery. You have to really want it and believe you can do it, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, you know you can do it. One step at a time. Three months ago, I couldn’t stand and I was being told I never would. Now… Okay it’s still very hard. I need the brace, and I can only take a few steps, but it’s one step more every day.”

Kei nodded. “Yes.”

“From what Alex said, you’ve come such a long way already.”

“He did? I have?”

“Yes, you have.” Alex said firmly. “It’s only been two weeks. Just over two weeks ago you were in a coma, and I didn’t know if you were ever going to wake up.” Kei bowed his head, wilting over his plate. His hair, which had grown shaggy from lack of care, fell forward to hide his face. “But look at you now. In the beginning you couldn’t even sit up without being dizzy and sick. You couldn’t string three words together without losing track of what you were trying to say, and you couldn’t even feed yourself. Now you can do all those things, and more. Look at how you were in the pool today.”

“Yeah, you were amazing,” Shay said. “I can’t even swim like that, and I’ve been in and around water all my life. I got my first wetsuit when I was three.”

“Had to,” Kei said, raising his head. “Be with Alex.”

“What do you mean?”

Kei shrugged. “Surfing all the time.”

“But you like surfing too. You’ve always liked surfing.”

Kei shrugged again. “Not really. Liked you.”

“You always said…”

“No. Never said. Just followed.”

“God, I… I mean… Every weekend.”

“Yes.”

“I thought you were enjoying yourself.”

“I was.”

“But not the surfing?”

Kei considered. “No,” he said. “Not surfing.”

“Well isn’t this the time for truth telling?” Shay said with a smile.

“Yes,” Kathryn said, “and while we’re at it, can I tell you that I really hate that shirt?”

“What? This one?”

“Yes. It’s a vile colour, and I’m almost embarrassed to be seen with you.”

Shay looked a little shocked, then he grinned. “Well, I hate those shoes, the one with all the hooks. They’re a bitch to do up, and they make my fingers sore.”

“They’re boots,” she said indignantly, “and they cost a hundred and fifty pounds.”

“They weren’t worth it.”

“They so were.”

“Why not wear them tonight? We can go out to dinner, and you can have Alex and Kei vote? You up for it guys?”

“Up for what?”

“Dinner and voting on Kathryn’s shoes.”

“I’ll take the dinner,” Alex said, “But I’m not getting between a brother and sister in an argument.”

“Ah well. Dinner will do.”

The massage session was glorious. Both boys enjoyed it, and were calm and relaxed afterwards. As Alex pushed Kei back to the cabin, he pondered on how things could change so fast. That morning they’d woken calm and at peace for the first time in weeks. Then there was the argument, when he thought his world had come crashing down around his ears. And now they were back to peace again.

“Can you get me down to the beach?” Kei asked out of the blue.

“What?” Alex was startled out of his reverie.

“Can we go to the beach?”

“I don’t know. We could try.”

“Yeah. Please.”

After some false starts Alex found a way down onto the beach with the chair. Well, it wasn’t exactly on the beach, just a wide patio style platform that ran to the edge of the sand.

“I want in the sea.”

“Yeah, I know. One day. Soon.”

“No. Now.”

“Now? But you can’t.”

Kei looked up at Alex and smiled. “There is no can’t.”

“But… the chair won’t go on the sand. Besides, it might screw it up.”

“Don’t want chair.”

“But how…? Oh.” Alex grinned slowly. “Okay.”

Quickly, Alex took off his shoes and socks and rolled up his jeans. He then did the same for Kei. Very carefully easing him up out of the chair he lifted Kei in his arms. Kei burrowed his head into Alex’s hair and sighed.

“Let me…feel sand.”

Holding Kei firmly, with his face still pressed into his neck, Alex awkwardly lowered his legs and held him tight around his waist as he set him on his feet. Kei sighed deeply in his ear. “I love you, Alex,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Kei,” Alex said, squeezing him tightly.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Kei. Please don’t be sorry. I love you so much. I’d do anything for you, and I’m really sorry I freaked out this morning. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean—“

“Hush. Love you. End of. Over.”

“Yeah. Over. Okay.”

Alex held Kei as he contentedly curled his toes in the soft sand. “More,” he said at last.

“More what?”

“Sand.”

“Hun, there’s plenty of sand right where we are. Where are we going to find more?”

“No. More for me. Walk in…sand.”

“You want to walk in the sand? Can you?”

“Kind of. Keep head here. Hold me you be fine.”

“Well, we can try.”

Holding Kei firmly around the waist and supporting him against his hip, he slowly took a step waiting while Kei dragged his feet through the sand. He wasn’t unable to walk as such. His legs were weak from not having walked on them for a couple of weeks, but they could bear his weight and he could walk. It was awkward more than anything, with his face pressed into Alex’s neck.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, after they had taken a dozen or so steps. “Are you sure you don’t want me to carry you the rest of the way.”

“Sure. Fine.”

“Okay.”

Kei’s legs were shaking by the time they reached the water’s edge and, despite his best efforts little groans were slipping out, into Alex’s ear.

“Careful now. Don’t exhaust yourself.”

“Not. Keep going.”

“We’re there.”

Another three steps and the boys found their feet being sucked downwards as the sand blended with the water. Kei laughed in delight as the water washed over his feet. “Oh yes, yes. Feels…great.”

Alex almost whooped with joy. Kei was so happy, and that made him happy too.

Slowly, Kei turned his head on Alex’s shoulder, so he could look out at the sea. He groaned.

“Are you okay?”

“No, but want sea so much.”

“Let me pick you up then. You’ll feel better.”

“No. Water. Feet. Good.”

“Alright, alright.”

After only a few minutes Kei had to turn his head again to press his face into Alex’s. “So…sick,” he moaned.”

“You feel sick?”

“Yes.”

“We should get back to the cabin.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Well, I don’t care. You’re suffering, and I’m not having it.” Without another word, Alex swept Kei up in his arms. Unfortunately, the tide took that moment to suck the sand out from under his feet and he cried out sharply, as he fell backwards, to land on his butt in the sand. Kei rolled away before he landed on Alex, who panicked and immediately sprang up. Kei was lying on his back, half in the water.

“Oh my God. Kei, are you alright? Oh my God, are you alright.”

“Good. Good. Good.” Kei said dreamily. Alex knelt in the wet sand, and stared down into his face. It was relaxed and happy, squinting a little against the sunlight.

“You scared the fuck out of me. I thought you were hurt.”

“A little. Bumped.”

“But you’re not hurt, not really?”

“No, I’m fine. Happy.”

“Let me help you up.”

“Like it here.”

“Really.”

“Try.”

With a smile, Alex flopped down on the sand and lay next to Kei, looking up at the sky. The sand sucked and bubbled under him, forming to his shape and the water lapped around his ankles and calves, little waves ticking his feet.

“You’re right. It’s amazing.” Alex closed his eyes and sighed, feeling the sun warm on his face and the water cold on his feet. Kei’s fingers touched his and wrapped around them. He squeezed and linked their fingers together.

“I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, too. I always will.”