Enigma - 17. Chapter 17 - Against all the Odds

At this point I think I become completely hysterical. My whole vision is red and at first I think it is the blood but actually I’m not so sure. When two hands reach for me and draw me away I fight with every ounce of my strength. All I can think of is Silver. I want to throw myself on him and hold on, hold on with all my strength, make him stay with me, make him come back.

But I am weak. Reaction is setting in and I can’t fight for long. The hands are strong and relentless and they are attached to arms which wrap around me and draw me away.

At first kicking and screaming and then sobbing uncontrollably I am drawn out of the warehouse into the bright afternoon sunshine. I don’t have time to look around before I am practically dragged into a car along with the policeman who is holding me.

After a lifetime of mindless sobbing I finally calm down and take time to look around. I am in the black car, the one with all he windows blacked out so I can’t see out. Suddenly all I want to do is get out. Silver is out there somewhere. I am pretty sure he’s dead but still... I want to be with him. I want to hold him in my arms.

“Calm down, son. You’re safe now.” He puts his hand on the door handle, stopping me opening it.

Son? I’m twenty five years old. “I have to go. I have to be with Silver.”

“Silver? Is that your friend?”

“Friend? Yes... no... not just a friend. Please... I have to be with him. I have to...”

“Sit down son. The medics are with him. They’ll take care of him. You’ll only get in the way.”

“But I...”

“It’s for the best.”

And dammit I know that he’s right. I know that the last thing the paramedics want to have to deal with is a weeping, slightly hysterical man when they need to give all their attention to him. But it’s hard. Fuck, it’s hard... too hard.

I collapse in sobs again and the man takes me in his arms.

“It’s alright son... let it out. You’ve been through a hell of an experience. Do you want to talk about it?”

At first I just stare at him, forgetting to cry. Is he real? Does he really think I am going to sit here and talk when out there...? But then I realise that, actually, I really do want to talk.

Sinking back into the large comfortable seat I start to speak. I tell him about my job, about the first time I saw Silver. I describe the way he was back then, which seems like such a long time ago. I tell him about the time we spent together in the house, the slow realisation about what happened to him, the emergence of his personality and my growing feelings for him.

I skate over the incident on the cliff and talk about how I felt when we were faced by the big black car and Faith’s inscrutable menace. Looking around uneasily I describe the events which unfolded in this very space, only a few hours ago.

When I explain what happened to Silver in the warehouse I start to cry again, but it isn’t the wild hysterical sobbing that it was before. This time the tears are more gentle and through them I am able to express my pride, the awe I felt that, after having endured so much Silver managed to endure so much more with courage and grace. Despite the humiliation that had been heaped on him he still maintained his dignity throughout.

I find myself talking about Silver, about his quiet strength, his courage, the way he looks at the world, a world that has given him nothing but pain and suffering, in a way that takes my breath away. Instead of being bitter and angry, and despite the humiliation and degradation he has had to suffer, he maintains a kind of wide eyed innocence that transcends it all.

“There is a kind of purity about him. Sometimes he is childlike... not childish, nothing like that but he... In every situation, even when he’s scared and hurting he can still smile and give of himself. That’s what I fell in love with. That’s what made it impossible not to love him.

“The things they did to him... it was horrible and he let them. He let them because he didn’t want them to hurt me. He had hope right to the end... not for himself... I think he resigned himself to the fact that he was almost inevitably going to die from the moment he first set eyes on Faith... but for me; that if he did what they wanted they would let me go. They wouldn’t have, I’m sure of that but he believed, it’s what kept him going even when he was in so much pain.

“For a while they left us alone and we lay together on the mattress and just looked at each other and I could hardly breathe because he was so beautiful. Even with all the bruises and in so much pain he was more beautiful than ever. He hid it all as much as he could so that I wouldn’t be afraid. And I couldn’t be afraid. In the face of courage like that how could I be... it would have been disrespecting him and I could never do that.”

The policeman must have been six foot six and built like the side of a barn but he has tears in his eyes, which surprises me. I hadn’t thought that he would have had much sympathy for us... far too macho for that... But in the way of men who are comfortable with who they are, with their own sexuality and masculinity he takes it completely in his stride. His voice is soft when he speaks.

“It sounds as if you care for him very much.”

“I do. I have never cared for anyone half as much. No one who spends time with him could ever fail to care for him. No one in their right mind anyway. I can’t describe him... he’s an angel.”

I run out of energy and grind to a halt. The tears have dried up leaving me numb and I sit on the edge of the seat, my hands dangling between my legs and my head down. I notice something on the floor near my foot. I scoop it up. It’s Silver’s tshirt and I hold it to my face, inhaling his scent, feeling him close to me.

“I never even had the chance to hold him, not properly and we only ever had one kiss.”

“There will be more.”

I look up sharply. The man looks sincere. “They shot him. “I say dully. “They shot him in the chest... and he was pretty badly hurt before. I know what that means. There was blood everywhere, too much.”

“It’s not over until it’s over.”

“It looked pretty much over to me.”

“You don’t know that. Hey... I never got your name. I’m Sam.”

“River.”

Sam raises his eyebrows and I laugh shortly. “Yeah... I know.”

“Well River, I have been to many, many shootings, it’s my job. I have seen people die and I have seen them live. Every now and again someone surprises me, someone who looks hopeless but somehow find something to hold on to, something that keeps them here and they come back from the edge. Who knows, maybe you are that thing for him.”

“There was blood coming out of his mouth.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means something, even I know that as someone who is only aspiring to a career in nursing. It means that the bullet punctured his lung and that’s not good.”

“No... not good.” He says carefully. “Not good at all but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. There are a whole range of possibilities, some fatal some relatively minor. Even with a lung puncture he could be out of the hospital in three or four days if there are no complications.”

I look at him incredulously. “You’re joking.”

“I told you I have seen many shootings and I always follow them up. I have seen people walk away from executions and people die from blood loss after a shot in the leg. Everyone is different and just because it looks bad doesn’t necessarily mean that it is.”

“But it could be.”

“Of course it could be. You don’t need me to tell you that he could be dead right now. Or he could die on the way to the hospital or any time after that and if you really want to focus on the worst case scenarios then there is nothing I can do to stop you. I am simply pointing out that there are other, more hopeful ones.”

Suddenly I have to smile. The ludicrousness of the situation, of sitting here talking to a man who is built like a bull, armed and armoured to the teeth, appeals to me and makes everything seem so divorced from reality that it strikes me as hilarious. Maybe I am still hysterical.

“Tell me more about your friend... Silver isn’t it? How did he get a name like that? You have to admit that Silver and River are a pretty strange pair of names... like something out of a western movie... ‘we’re out on a cattle drive down to the Silver River’.” He chuckles and it rumbles in his barrel like chest, making the situation even more ludicrous and the urge to laugh hysterically almost irresistible.

I sober immediately thought when I start to talking about Silver’s name and how he got it. “Actually, his name is Matthew. I didn’t find that out until today. He didn’t want to tell me what it was until he was sure he could be that person again... the person who is free. It’s ironic that he finally realised he was free right at the end.”

Sam gives me a hard look and I smile and shake my head. “He was taken when he was twelve, basically sold into slavery and conditioned into being a sex slave. He had everything stripped away from him... his name, his dignity, his life. He was given the name of Silver and that’s who he’s been ever since... property to be bought and sold, existing only to give pleasure to others.

“About eight months ago he fell in love, with another slave. Apparently that is not allowed and for the sake of love both of them were beaten... David to death and Silver almost. They threw him out of a car in the middle of the night on a motorway verge and left him to bleed to death.”

Sam is wide eyed. All his training and experience haven’t prepared him for this. I know how he feels. “Only he didn’t die. Someone found him and took him to the nearest hospital. He was in a coma for two months but somehow he pulled himself back and he was doing fine... better than fine. He was... he was...”

We are interrupted when someone opens the door of the car. They are wearing the green uniform of a paramedic and my heart plummets. All the positivity that I have managed to build up while talking to Sam disappears and I am frozen again as I stare at him.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting for so long. How are you doing? Are you hurt?”

“Me? No I... I’m fine. I just... I need to know...”

“You want to know about your friend?”

“Yes.” I almost scream. Getting information from this man is like getting blood from a stone... hell why did I have to think about blood right now?

I barely notice the large hand that falls on my shoulder and squeezes, although subconsciously it does calm me.

The paramedic smiles. “They’re still working on him. He’s given them some scares but he’s still holding on in there. Once he’s stable we’ll be taking in to the hospital.”

“Is he going to be alright?”

“It’s too early to tell but he’s young and strong and it’s looking as if the bullet’s gone straight thought without ricocheting around inside. It’s a clean wound by the look of it. I know you won’t be feeling it but your friend was very lucky. The bullet went straight through between his ribs. If it had hit them it would have deflected and caused a lot more damage.”

“It went through his lung didn’t it?”

“Yes it did but they’ve sealed it, re inflated it and put a chest drain in and he’s breathing on his own which is a very good sign.”

“Can I go to him?”

“I think it’s better if you stay here for now... there’s a lot of activity in there.”

“I won’t get in the way.”

“I’m sure you won’t but it would still be better if you stay here for a while.”

“Can I go with him in the ambulance?”

“Well... you seem to be doing okay so I don’t see any reason why not. I’ll come and get you when we’re ready.”

“Thank you.”

When he has gone I practically collapse on the seat and Sam squeezes my shoulder. “You see? You should have had more faith in your man.”

“Yes... yes I should have.”

The drive to the hospital is a nightmare I would rather not think about. After beginning to feel more positive, the moment I laid eyes on Silver my hope plummeted again. He looked as if he was dead already and if it had not been for the fact that his chest was rising and falling under the bandages that encircled it I wouldn’t have believed he still lived.

Riding in an ambulance is never a comfortable experience at the best of times. The bench seat is narrow and uncomfortable and the nature of the driving such that you are thrown around a lot. I don’t think the one we are riding in has any suspension at all.

Not that I really notice. I am focussed on Silver and when the paramedic talks to me, even though she is really nice and clearly trying to keep my mind occupied I find it to be nothing but an irritation when all I want to do is immerse myself in him.

I try my very best to ignore all the medical equipment and just focus on him, which isn’t very easy considering how much of it there is in such a small space. I can’t even see his face properly because it is half covered by a mask. I can hold his hand though. He’s unconscious so he doesn’t know I’m here... but I do.

When we get to the hospital the doors are wrenched open and suddenly there are people everywhere. I try to hold on to Silver but I am elbowed out of the way, quite roughly and before I know what’s happening he is gone. I am so completely stunned I just don’t know what to do.

The hospital is a busy one and there are people coming and going but they all ignore me and I have never felt so alone in all my life.

At some point I come out of my stupor and berate myself. I am going to be a nurse for heaven sake. If I freak out at just standing outside a hospital then a pretty poor nurse I am going to be.

Pulling myself together I go to the admissions desk to get Silver checked in. Once that is done I do what everyone else has to do. I sit and wait. I realise that I can’t even call my friends... because I don’t have my mobile any more.

I sit huddled in the corner feeling wretched and lonely and terrified. I have a pretty good idea what’s happening to Silver and it terrifies me more than anything I have experienced today.

I am lost amidst my misery when I feel a familiar hand fall on my shoulder. I look up at Sam and smile.

“How’s he doing?”

I shrug and try to smile. “No one tells me anything.” I am not proud of the whine in my voice.

Sam smiles. “Don’t you have anyone to stay with you?”

“They took my phone... and my wallet.” There’s that whine again.

“Okay... hang on a minute and I’ll see what I can do.”

I watch Sam walk over to the admissions desk where two of his colleagues are talking to the nurse... although ‘flirting’ might be a better description.

After what seems like a very long time Sam comes over and says. “Come on.”

I am startled out of my funk. “Where are we going?”

“Somewhere more comfortable.”

“Can I see Silver?”

Sam sadly shakes his head. “Not right now. Probably not for some time but they’ll come and get you as soon as they can.”

“Oh.”

Sam, his colleagues and I follow a nurse through corridors to a comfortable lounge where she leaves us with the promise that she will bring news as soon as there is any.

“Perks of the job.” Sam quips as she leaves. “We always get the news first.”

“That’s not fair. Shouldn’t it be the people who really care?”

Sam gives me a strange look. “What makes you think I don’t care?”

“I’m sorry Sam... I didn’t mean that. It’s been a hell of a long day.”

Sam smiles and gives me that shoulder grip again. I am getting used to it and finding it strangely comforting.

Sam introduces me to his colleagues, Kyle and Bob. They are pleasant and we strike up a conversation. After a time I notice something strange and have to ask about it.

“Why don’t you take all your gear off? I mean it can’t be comfortable can it?”

They all look at each other, slightly uncomfortable.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Well... I didn’t want to say anything just yet. I thought you had enough on your mind but... We can’t dress down because we are still on duty, on high alert.”

“On duty? High alert? Why?”

“Because the man who took you... did you call him Faith? Well Faith got away. He’s a slippery character right enough and thought nothing of cutting down one of his friends to get through. I don’t want you to worry too much but there’s a chance that he might come for Silver... or for you... so we’re your official body guards for the next few days. We’ll try not to get in the way too much.”

He is grinning and trying to make light of it but the thought terrifies me. Faith? Here? Or even worse... the Master.

“It’s alright River. There’s no need to be afraid. We’re here... we’ll protect you.”

“That’s what I said to Silver and look where it got him.” Again the sound of my voice surprises me... the whine has gone and now it has been replaced by bitterness.

“River, don’t start blaming yourself. There is nothing you could have done to stop this. You do know that don’t you? You didn’t let him down.”

“The thing is... I did. I didn’t value him. I didn’t take him seriously. I didn’t follow my heart. If I had done any of those things we would never have been there.”

“And they would have carried on following you until you were alone somewhere else. Maybe they would have found Silver on his own and then he would be dead without doubt.”

“I... I suppose you are right.”

“I’m always right.” The way he says it makes me laugh and some of the tension eases. Not much though. How can anyone not be tense when someone they love deeply is alone and in trouble?

Periodically the nurse comes in to tell us how things are going. It never seems to be good news. Not that it’s necessarily bad news either because all she’s ever told us is that Silver’s alive and in surgery. It’s been hours. Can it be good news after all this time?

I torture myself. For all that Sam says I shouldn’t, I can’t help but feel guilty. I promised to protect him and I failed. Simple as, in my book. Initially Sam tries to help, to talk to me, to keep my mind off what has happened and what is happening to Silver, but he can’t. How can my mind be anywhere else? I can’t be with him in body so I can’t do anything other than be with him in mind and spirit.

Eventually Sam gives up and I sit staring morosely at the wall until eventually, dulled by my experience, the fear, pain and wonder of it all, the adrenaline leaving me, exhausted and sick with fear, I fall asleep.

I wake with a shock when the doctor comes. He is speaking quietly to Sam when I open my eyes and come instantly awake.

“What is it? What’s happened?”

The doctor, startled by my sudden appearance so to speak, stops speaking to Sam and looks at me. He is quite young for a doctor and if I had a single coherent thought in my panic stricken mind, I would have considered him quite handsome.

Sam says something to him softly, that I can’t hear and the expression on the doctor’s face changes and softens. He walks over to me and smiles. To me that smile seems completely out of place in my world of fear and dread and because of that it’s sinister, like the smile of a tiger just before its jaws close on your throat. I can’t speak but plead with my eyes.

He sits next to me and I think that can’t be a good sign. They only do that when they have bad news don’t they? I am impatient with him. I want him to speak but at the same time I don’t. I need to know but I don’t want to hear. I am so full of conflicting emotion that for a moment I don’t hear, I blank out.

“River... it is River isn’t it?” the doctor says in a calm voice. “Are you alright? You spaced out on me then.”

“I... I just... I need to know. Is he...?” I can’t bring myself to ask the question that is burning my mind.

“Try not to worry River. Your friend is doing okay... in fact he’s doing very well. He’s stronger than he looks.”

Relief floods me and I collapse in the chair. I don’t hear what the doctor says after that because I am in total shock. I have been holding myself together by sheer willpower and my store of it abruptly comes to an end. There is a buzzing in my ears that is so loud it drowns out the doctors words but I see his face change, fill with concern just before the world goes black.