Clueless Camping - 3. Worries and decisions

We didn’t have much food left at the tent, so we decided to have a quick snack and go into the nearest town for lunch. Jacob filled his backpack with our dirty laundry, as we were down to our last clean T-shirts and underwear. I brought my own backpack too, in case we wanted to bring some provisions back, although we were pretty limited in what we could buy, since we didn’t have any way of keeping stuff cold.

The bike ride into town took half an hour and after asking around we found the only launderette. We were lucky to get two free machines at once and put everything into the wash. Two doors down was a small place where we could get a warm meal, cold drinks and sit at a table in the shade outside.

Most of our clothes could be tumble-dried, and we ate ice-cream cones while we waited for that. The few things which had to air dry were spread on the bench and a nearby fence along the parking lot. They were almost dry by the time we’d folded and packed away everything else in our backpacks. While we sorted the laundry, Jacob filled me in on what he knew.

Evan had gone back to college, my mom had stayed with Kristin for a while, but after two weeks she went home. My father was furious with her for sending me away, but he cared more about preserving his public image.

Thus to the outside world the story was I’d suddenly taken ill and had to be flown over to see a European specialist on TBE. Once I had recovered and the doctors decided there was no danger of a relapse, I would stay to visit my mom’s family. Evan had ‘refused to celebrate his birthday without me’, so the party was cancelled.

As for his continued absence from home, my parents had told friends and relatives my twin had decided to use his summer vacation working in a camp for ‘disadvantaged children’ and maybe take a trip to Europe with a couple of friends in the month before going back to law school. Nothing had been said about him being gay, and Jacob didn’t know if Evan had come out to anyone but my parents; and to his boyfriend, obviously.

By the time Jacob got in touch with his mom during our visit to Thisted, my father had gone back home. Even though he kept sending emails demanding to be told where I was, things had more or less settled. So why were we still hiding? I refused to back down until Jacob told me the truth.

“After Evan left, your dad had a long rant, and he said some things which may have been in the heat of the moment. But your mum took his threats seriously and apparently she still worries about it. You see, he said he’d cut Evan off and refuse to pay any allowance, unless he swore not to get in touch with you for the next five years.” Jacob took a deep breath, and I braced myself for the bad news.

“He said he didn’t want you ‘to be corrupted by your twin’s filthy mind’. He would make sure you stayed ‘normal’, no matter what it took. Your mum refused to say more, but the implications were anything from an arranged marriage to one of those religious nutcases who try to brainwash gay teens to be straight. But I think your mum’s real worry was if you thought Evan’s future depended on you being straight, you’d sacrifice yourself without a second thought.”

I stared at him, speechless and utterly stunned. I had been so pleased with my sudden escape from my old oblivious existence; feeling like a butterfly who had spectators ohh’ing and ahh’ing at the unexpected beauty emerging from his non-descript, stifling cocoon. My first taste of freedom and attraction had been glorious and addictive. And my handsome rescuer was right in front of me, so delicious and tempting

But Evan would pay the price. Well, I’d probably get cut off too, but since I’d never had any burning ambitions, it didn’t matter. I had enrolled at the local community college to take marketing and other business courses, but without much enthusiasm. My parents had approved, my mother of my choice to stay at home and my father of this tentative start of a future career in business related areas. And I’d harbored a small hope I might find a use for a long suppressed talent.

With a mental wrench I pulled myself away from this hopeless train of thoughts and focused on Jacob. “She’s quite right. I would have.” I shut my mouth before I could say I still might do it too. After all, I had worshipped and loved my twin brother my whole life, and my relationship with Jacob was new and uncertain. “I need to get in touch with Evan.”

We gathered the last of our stuff in silence and rode our bikes to the part of town where the internet café was located. Before we went in, Jacob cautioned me. “Don’t go on Facebook and don’t answer any emails, just read them at first. I’ll check my email and see if my mum has sent an update since I was here last.” Hmm, he must have gone in here the day after we arrived, when he went to town without me for supplies.

“It might be safer to send an email to Evan from my account. Just in case your dad or the PI he hired has got access to your email account.” Well, that was rather likely, as I thought my password was lying around in a drawer in my room.

We got two computers next to each other and logged onto our email accounts. WTF, I had more than two hundred unread mails! Normally I’d get five or ten emails per week and most of those would be school related. I’d been out of touch for about ten weeks, and I’d expected a fair amount but this was crazy. I scrolled down and saw there was an email from my father once per week. There were more from my mom, up to twice weekly.

Several messages from Charlotte, I definitely wanted to read those, and maybe send her an answer via Jacob’s email. When I got down near the time I’d left, there were some from my high school, probably dealing with the last official stuff about graduating.

To my surprise I found scores of emails from people in my class and from relatives and even from school friends of Evan. But I realized they probably wanted to express polite sympathy over my supposed illness, or maybe just grumble about the cancelled party. I finally arrived at the oldest unread emails and there is was: an email from Evan titled Congratulations on your graduation.

I clicked on it and read the simple message. “Russ. I’m so sorry I won’t be there for your graduation and birthday party. Please know your twin is thinking of you and wishes you all the best for the future. Love, Evan.” He’d sent it in the early morning hours the day I’d left. I couldn’t believe it, but as I scrolled back up to check, I saw no further emails from him.

A nagging suspicion surfaced. If Evan had sent me other messages, they must have been deleted. Jacob’s warning about not answering emails was justified, and I quickly went back and marked Evan’s email as ‘unread’. I skimmed my mom’s emails, but the early ones were just bland, everyday stuff. Clearly she knew I wouldn’t read them but my father might.

However, each and every one of them ended with the same message and tears were in my eyes after I’d gone through half of them. “I love you, Russell. I hope you’re enjoying your vacation. I’m looking forward to getting you home healthy and happy.” I guess Father couldn’t see anything wrong with these phrases, even if he might consider them sentimental.

But Mom’s last words to me before we parted at the airport in New York had been: “Remember to keep a low profile. But if you do read your emails at some point, keep in mind that only the last three sentences in my messages will express my true feelings.” As I continued reading, I understood the significance of those words.

Gradually her messages began to say things like ‘please call’ or ‘please get in touch with us’ or even ‘you can come home now’. But the final part remained unchanged. As I finished the last of her emails and changed it back to ‘unread’ status, I frowned and rubbed my eyes.

Jacob put his hand on my shoulder, and I knew he’d been keeping an eye on me. I gave him a shaky smile and shook my head. “Nothing important so far, but there’s a good chance my father has accessed my email account. I’ve gotten a lot of emails, but only one from Evan.” My boyfriend squeezed my shoulder and let me return to reading.

This time I looked at the emails from Charlotte. Predictably the first one was a worried enquiry about my health from the day of the cancelled party. Two weeks later another short missive saying she was happy to hear I was better and hoped I was having a nice vacation in Denmark. A couple of days later a longer chatty email telling me about graduation day and the subsequent parties. “I missed you so much, Russell, it wasn’t the same without you.” I sighed because I’d promised Charlotte to be her escort, and I felt bad about letting her down. The next messages were unremarkable too, though she did express surprise she hadn’t heard from me, but the last one had me gasping.

Your parents came over for dinner last night. It was more or less normal, until your father asked me whether I’d heard from you.” Our parents knew each other from Church and the school, but in addition, they had business connections via the bank and Mr. Nichols’ law firm. They weren’t close friends but having dinner occasionally was normal. “When I said no, he scowled and said he expected you to treat your girlfriend better than that. Russell, I didn’t know how to reply. My parents were surprised, but then my mom got all gushy and asked me why I hadn’t told them we’re dating. She and your father seemed ready to launch into wedding plans!

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. God, what a mess! I looked back at the screen to the last part of the message.

Do you want me to tell them about us? How we feel about each other? I won’t do anything until I have heard from you. Please get in touch, Russell. Love C.

Oh yes, my estimation of Charlotte’s quick wits and cleverness was spot on. She knew something was wrong and I might need to pretend to be her boyfriend. She may even have guessed my emails could be intercepted. So she’d written this in a way my father could interpret as he wanted to. While telling me we were still friends and I could count on her.

“Jacob, please read this and tell me what you think. It’s from Charlotte. You know, my best friend after Evan.” He scooted over and read the message. I closed it and marked it as unread. “Do you think she suspects I’m gay? I know a lot of people in high school thought we were an item. Funnily enough denying it made them even more certain, so we gave up after a while. I guess Charlotte didn’t mind too much, because it mostly protected her from being asked out.” I smirked, remembering the guys who didn’t care and tried to get in her pants anyway. They soon learnt their mistake as Charlotte’s sharp tongue flayed their bloated egos.

“Maybe. You say she’s clever, and sometimes girls are better at spotting gay guys. Especially if they’re good looking and you don’t hit on them. On the other hand, I have excellent gaydar and you hardly pinged on it at all, even though I was actively looking for the signs.” Jacob kept his voice low, but I still glanced around to see if anybody heard him. But the few people in the room seemed to be ignoring us.

His breath hit my ear and made me shiver. “Of course when your shield finally blew, it was like this huge flare went off. Makes me hard just to think about that night … and last night … and this morning.” His seductive whisper went straight to my groin and I was erect in seconds.

“Mmmm, Russell, you push all my buttons and blind me to everyone else. I can’t help it, just one whiff of your delicious scent, one small taste,” his tongue flicked the skin behind my ear and I had to clench my teeth to keep from moaning, “a touch, a kiss or a look,” hidden below the table his hand slid up my thigh and my cock lurched in my shorts, “and all I can think about is how much I want to make love to you.”

His words made the muscles in my backside tense and brought me to the edge. I knew I’d come if he as much as touched my throbbing hard-on. Jacob must have sensed my agitation, because he pulled back. “I’m glad to know you feel the same way, babe.” He turned my face to his and gave me a quick kiss. “So what do you want to do now?”

For a split second I thought I might blurt out something utterly embarrassing like ‘Let’s go back to the tent and fuck.’ But even though I longed for the moment when I’d give myself to Jacob, I knew I wasn’t ready to take that step. In fact I was still pretty freaked out about the few things we’d done so far. Or maybe it would be more correct to say I was nervous about the way I’d reacted to physical intimacy with my boyfriend. I vacillated between craving more and wanting to hide and forget about it. At some point I’d have to sit down and think matters through, but right now other issues were more urgent.

“I should read the emails from my father. But I don’t want to.” At least the thought killed my erection completely. Jacob’s gaze was so compassionate it almost undid me. I took a deep breath. “I need to get in touch with Evan. He’s the only one I can trust.” Jacob’s nod calmed me, and I noted he didn’t try to say I could trust him too. He knew I was thinking about matters at home, not in general terms.

It would be so easy to depend on him from now on, but Kathrine’s warning had made me aware of the dangers. I needed to become Jacob’s equal for this relationship to have a chance of working. Always supposing I chose to be out and have a boyfriend. Just the thought of leaving Jacob created a hollow feeling in my guts but I refused to worry about it. Nothing could be decided until I’d heard from my twin. He’d make things right, he always did.

Jacob had turned back to his own computer and I assumed he was setting up an email from his account. When he stood up and waved me into his seat, something else filled the screen. For a split second I thought ‘where did he get that photo of Evan’ and then my perception tilted.

In front of me was a full-length shot of a young guy with tousled auburn hair smiling at something off screen. His body was nicely displayed by a tight pair of Speedos, and by the white sand and blue sky in the background. Even though his tan was uneven and he wasn’t muscled in any obvious way, the immediate impression was pleasing: a happy, healthy male on vacation.

Jacob clicked on the mouse and a slide show started. The first picture was of me waiting on the platform in Copenhagen Central station, and I cringed at the sight of the chubby, sullen teen. Every second a new photo appeared and before my eyes an amazing transformation took place. The climax was a photo of me standing on Grenen, with one foot in Skagerak and the other in Kattegat, laughing at Jacob. He put the slideshow on pause, and I remembered him saying this was the moment he fell in love.

Neither of us spoke, but Jacob’s fingers gently caressed my neck, telling me without words how he felt about me. His other hand clicked on the mouse and the show went on, ending at the initial picture from earlier today. He must have taken it while I’d been looking at Kathrine fooling around with Oliver and Mathias before the group photo.

I looked up at my hunky boyfriend and rolled my eyes at his smirk. “So Russell, do you agree you’re beautiful and sexy? And our camping holiday has been good for you?” I nodded to his last statement, by now used to him calling a vacation a holiday, and decided to avoid discussing my looks. After all Jacob was more than welcome to his opinion and even I could see how much I’d improved during my stay in Denmark. In addition, when he looked at me with approval and desire, such as now, it made me happy and hard.

As Jacob exited and minimized the slideshow, two other photos became visible. One was a close up of my face, my expression somber and my attention far away. I knew instantly he’d caught me unawares during one of my thinking spells. Trying to study it objectively I noticed how I seemed neither sad nor happy just solemn and indifferent. The photo must be fairly recent, because my skin was tanned and there was no puppy fat. I had to admit it was a face of a potentially handsome guy. But my green eyes were unfocused and empty of emotion, and to be honest they sort of scared me.

I shifted my gaze to the other picture and involuntarily smiled. This was a close-up of me and Jacob on the beach. My head was leaning on his shoulder and we were both smiling at Kathrine. Or more likely at Mathias who’d been making terrible faces at us behind her back to make us laugh. I looked at the way my eyes were sparkling, the slight blush coloring my cheeks, and the happy curve of my lips. Even better was the way Jacob was almost glowing with pride and pleasure from having me in his arms.

Looking at those two pictures my cousin’s message was clear, or so I thought. He wanted me to accept the new version, the one where I was his boyfriend, out and proud, instead of the worrywart. But Jacob kept amazing me. “I love both sides of your personality, Russell. I’ve no problem with you taking time out to think or respecting your privacy. If you need to talk or want me to do something, I hope you’ll trust me enough to ask me to help.”

He squatted down next to me, steadying himself on the back of the chair. His voice was low, but intense. “But I need you to be honest with me, love. I’ll accept ‘I don’t want to talk about it’, but not lying, concealment, or evasions.”

I turned my head and met his eyes, and I realized Jacob had his own history of hurt.

“If you lie, cheat on me, keep bad secrets, or go behind my back, we’re done. No excuses and no second chances.”

His gaze was like steel, but somehow the demand didn’t scare me. Unswerving loyalty was actually one of the few character traits I appreciated about myself. And I knew Jacob would give the same devotion in return. He would be my rock and keep me safe.

I nodded and to seal my unspoken promise, I leaned forward and kissed him. Not just the quick discrete peck he’d given me before, but a full on I-love-you kiss. Although I’d kissed him on the beach, this felt like a more official acknowledgement of our relationship. I even omitted the scared glance around the room after the kiss ended.

I put my head on his shoulder and whispered. “I love you, Jacob, and I’ll never lie or cheat. But I’m still worried and I really need to get in touch with Evan.”

He reached out and tapped the keyboard. An email appeared on the screen. The picture of Jacob and me together was included and the text said, ‘Hi Evan, is your boyfriend as hot as mine?’ As I stared at it with my mouth open, Jacob laughed.

“So do you want to send this or should I?”

I tried to imagine Evan’s reaction but failed. It was sure to be spectacular, so the idea was tempting. When had I ever stunned my twin with an unexpected idea or surprising behavior? On the other hand, if we sent this, the cat was out of the bag.

“I’m not sure I can tell him I’m gay and have a boyfriend just like that. I’m sorry, Jacob, but I want to know what’s going on with Evan first.”

If he felt any disappointment, my boyfriend hid it well. He called up another prepared email, with the headline Message from Russell, and told me to take my time. I gave him a grateful smile as he left to get some coffee at the counter.

How to begin? Well, since the time at home was around 10 in the morning, maybe Evan would see my email immediately, if only via his iPhone. So establish contact first, and write a longer mail, if he didn’t respond.

Russell to Evan: Dear Evan. Thank you for the Congratulation email, which I saw today. If you have sent other emails, they are no longer in my inbox. Which explains why I’m using mom’s cousin’s email. If you want, you can resend them to him. I’ll probably be online for at least another 30 minutes. I need to know what’s going on. Please tell me what happened the day you left, and since then. Love, Russ

I started to compose a new message, while I waited for Evan to respond to my demands for an explanation. I wanted to see what he would say before I told him I knew about him – or rather us – being gay. I knew I was being a chicken, but I’d never taken the lead with my twin and I wasn’t going to start now.

I could see Jacob hovering at the counter, sipping his coffee and I motioned for him to join me. His smile was relieved and I was reminded about not keeping secrets. As he bent to kiss me, an alert popped up, showing a response had arrived.

Evan to Russell: Thank God, Russ, I’ve been so worried. Are you OK? I’m sorry about this mess. Can you forgive me? I did send a few other emails, but they don’t matter now. But it’s probably a good idea to use Jacob’s email. Say hello to him for me. Love, Evan

When Jacob had read the email from Evan, he gave me a hug and sat down at the computer I’d been using. He logged on to his email account and suggested I shift back. “Then I can finish uploading my photos and deal with my other emails.” I nodded and saved the unfinished draft.

During the next twenty minutes several emails arrived. The contents were pure Evan: frank and to the point but still considerate of my feelings.

Evan to Russell: Dear Russ I can’t believe you haven’t been told by now!
I’m gay and I’m madly in love with this wonderful guy called Chris.
I never worried about telling you, in case you wonder why I kept it a secret. I trust our twin bond and love for each other, and I knew you would accept me no matter what.
I was going to tell you Thursday before the party. Remember we planned to spend the whole day together, just you and me.

Of course I did. I’d been pleased my twin came home for my graduation, but even more when he’d asked me to go to the beach with him the day after. Rather than be with his friends or help with party preparations like we’d promised my mom for Friday. I hadn’t suspected an ulterior motive, but it made sense for Evan to tell me away from home. I tried to imagine what my reaction would have been and cringed. In a way I was grateful, I’d had my epiphany away from my immediate family. Hmm guess my mom’s actually pretty smart.

Evan to Russell: I suspected the gay part the summer we were sixteen, but I wasn’t sure until I met Chris and fell in love. So there wasn’t anything to tell and I didn’t want to burden you with my confusion.
We became a couple last Christmas, or at least we started dating. I decided he was the one two weeks before I came home.
I wanted to bring him to our birthday party and tell everyone, but only if it was alright with you. I knew people would start speculating about you.
I have wondered too, of course, and I showed you that website just in case. You know what I’m thinking of. I almost hope you prefer girls, because things at home would be much easier for you. But we are so similar in all other ways I find it hard to believe you’re not gay.

I almost laughed out loud at the idea of Evan and I being at all comparable. But I also got tears in my eyes from love and gratitude, because I knew my twin honestly felt that way. I had always hidden my feelings of inferiority from Evan, since he’d never understand and would probably be upset. The next email was short and now I did laugh.

Evan to Russell: I know Danes are good looking. So tell me, Russ, are you admiring the blonde girls or the hunky guys?

At my laugh, Jacob looked up and I beckoned him over and let him see the last email. He grinned and looked at me expectantly. “Neither, silly. I only have eyes for you.” That got me another kiss and a hug; followed by heated whispers in my ear about what he thought about doing when he looked at me. I squirmed, he grinned. More kisses. Damn why don’t they have better air conditioning in here? He only desisted when I was literally begging him to stop or I’d have an accident.

“So are you going to tell Evan about us?” I hesitated but before I could reply the next email ticked in.

Evan to Russell: But my plans to come out at the party got overthrown, which pleased Chris. He was against it from the start. Too dramatic for his taste. Anyway, never mind that now.
As you know Father told me to come to his study after dinner the night I left. He wanted to know how my studies were going and my plans for the future. But he started talking about finding a nice Catholic girl, and he even suggested setting me up with the daughters of people he knows. I tried to tell him I wasn’t interested and didn’t have time, even that I was too young, but he kept on and on at me.
Finally I blurted out the truth: “I’m gay and I’m in love with this wonderful guy called Chris.”
And that’s when things went haywire. I knew Father wouldn’t be happy, but I never expected he was so stubbornly homophobic and old fashioned. I hoped he would accept me once he had had time to get used to the idea. And I guess I still thought Father cared about us; that he loved us deep down; that the happiness of his sons mattered more than his religion and his image.
Apparently not.

I sat there staring at the last two words. As the implications of the last few sentences of Evan’s email dawned on me, I started shaking. If Jacob hadn’t been next to me, I might have fainted, but the moment I began hyperventilating, he grabbed me. Ignoring we were in a public place he lifted me and sat me on his lap. I clung to him just like I’d done the night he made me realize I was in love with him. I didn’t cry, and his strong arms held me tight while his quiet, caring voice soothed me. “It’s OK Russell, just breathe slowly. Take it easy. I’m here. It’s OK.” His hand rubbed my back gently and I gradually relaxed.

Once I was calm, he motioned towards the screen and I nodded. Together we turned and read the message again. I made no move to stop him, as he opened the next one, which had arrived while I was having my stupid freak-out. I was still wondering if Evan regretted coming out.

Evan to Russell: So we had this huge fight and he more or less disowned me, when I refused to obey his ridiculous demands. I just stormed off and left, and luckily I had my backpack in the car. You see Chris was waiting at a motel outside town and I had already planned to sneak out later to see him. We drove back home and I haven’t talked to Father since.
I’m not going to stay away from you, Russ, and I’m not leaving Chris and pretending I’m straight, just to keep our father from losing face or to preserve his precious image.
Luckily he can’t withdraw money for tuition. You may not know, but he set up a trust fund for all three of us when Kristin started college. I think it was for tax reasons and a large part of the money came from Mom’s family. Some sort of early inheritance which she passed directly to us but with the clause it should be used for education. Anyway, once you’re enrolled, college fees and related costs like dorms, books and a laptop are paid automatically, and not even Father can prevent it.
He stopped my other allowance though, so I can’t afford meals, clothes or my car. But I’m fine, don’t worry. I’m living with Chris, which is what we planned to do anyway. And I have been working for the past month, so I’ll have some cash to spend. Kristin says she’ll help too, if I need it. It’ll all work out in the end.

I read the email twice and finally allowed myself a relieved sigh. Evan was telling me the truth and I could almost feel his determined and positive attitude radiating off the screen. Obviously he was fine with being out, no matter the consequences, and ready to take up the battle with anyone who objected. He’ll no doubt be a brilliant and dedicated lawyer once he finishes law school and finds a cause he wants to fight for. I didn’t like him being dependent on his boyfriend, what would happen if they broke up? But I told myself not to worry. Evan would find a solution, he always did.

Evan to Russell: I’ll be fine, honestly Russ. At least I will be once I hear from you and see you again. I miss you so much. Please reply. I’m getting a bit worried here. Are you OK? Is Jacob taking good care of you? Do you want me to come to Denmark? Chris says we’ll both go and you can come back with us, if you want. Please don’t shut me out, Russ. I need to know you are safe. I can’t deal with losing you. Love, Evan

I stared at the screen and Jacob’s arms tightened around me. “Is that what you want, Russell, to go home and be with your twin?” He tried to be calm, but the slight tremor of his voice betrayed him. He actually feared losing me! I needed to do something fast to reassure both of the men I loved. I leaned forward and pressed reply to Evan’s last email.

Russell to Evan: Dearest Evan. Please don’t worry about me. I’m sitting in the arms of my wonderful boyfriend. He makes me feel happy and safe. Love, Russ

As soon as I pressed send, Jacob took over the mouse and brought up the draft with the picture of us. He signed it ‘Jacob’ and sent it. I saw the subject was Hot Stuff and grinned, but at the same time my guts churned. This was it; I’d thrown my lot in with Evan, choosing permanent exile from my home and an uncertain future. Plus I’d dragged Jacob into the whole mess, and he might face problems with his own family too for getting involved with me. I knew we had to discuss the future. Moments later a new email arrived.

Hi Jacob. I guess we both got lucky with our partners. Now I need to calm Evan down. He is running around the room squealing with delight. Chris

In the email was a picture of Evan sitting on the lap of a handsome man with dark hair. Chris was probably tall, he had wide shoulders and I guessed he was at least four or five years older than us. His arms were around my twin who looked so happy it made my heart soar.

“I would have loved to see Evan’s face when he read our emails. And it was really sweet of Chris to send the picture. I guess he’s just as clever and organized and protective as you are, Jacob. I hope he loves Evan as much as my twin loves him.”

A new message from Evan arrived begging me to tell him everything. I brought up the email I’d prepared and Jacob let me have some privacy while I finished it. I told Evan about Mom sending me off to Denmark, Jacob taking me camping and how we’d gotten really close and gradually fallen in love. I didn’t tell him how I’d found out, but admitted I’d had no clue I was gay and attracted to Jacob. Not until he revealed his feelings.

It was so weird, Evan, like a huge light went off in my head and my world was turned upside down. I still need to figure myself out, we only became boyfriends yesterday. So please don’t tell anyone else yet.

I sent the email and looked at the time. The hour we’d booked was almost up. On one hand I wanted to keep our conversation going, but on the other hand the most important revelations had been made. My twin and I were once again connected. Not just by birth and mutual love, but by our need to support each other and find a future where we could be happy with our partners.

“Jacob, can we come back tomorrow at the same time?” He nodded and I sent a short message saying we had to go, but I would contact him again tomorrow. Evan acknowledged and told me to ‘be happy and safe’. I blushed a bit at the ambiguous wording, but decided to ignore his hint.

I logged off, closed the browsers, and decided to use the rest room. When I came back a few minutes later, Jacob had finished his session too and was waiting for me by the door. We went across the road to a supermarket and got provisions before riding our bikes back to the tent.

It was almost six when we arrived, so we decided not to go to the beach again. After emptying our backpacks of clothes and food, we relaxed on my mattress in front of the tent, drinking cokes and eating fresh fruit and snacks. It was too early and hot for dinner even if it was only sandwiches from the store.

We kept our chat light during the meal but finally Jacob turned serious. “So Russell, are you feeling better now? Evan is OK and he seems to be happy you have a boyfriend too. I’m sorry about your dad being an idiot and cutting Evan off, but maybe he’ll relent when it doesn’t have any effect.” I shook my head and sighed, but decided to answer the first part of Jacob’s speech.

“Yeah, I’m relieved Evan and I have caught up with each other. At least his life seems to be working out for now, and I hope Chris will stay a supportive partner. Oh and apparently Kristin is OK with him being gay, since she said she’d help him. I bet my mom will slip Kristin extra money whenever she can.” I tried to focus on all the positive facts, but my anxieties kept surfacing. Jacob must have sensed my mood changing, because he pulled me close. I rested my head on his chest and sighed once more.

“I can’t help it, Jacob. I’m still worried about me, us, my future. We can’t hide forever, and I don’t want to go back home. Which means college is out as well, not that I mind too much. I only chose to go there because I didn’t know what else to do. But now what? I can’t stay with Kristin or Evan, but I can’t stay here either. My visa will expire and ...“ I stopped and took a deep breath, trying to stop whining. Fuck.

Jacob tensed but kept quiet. His hand stroked my hair, while I contemplated my options. After a long silence he cleared his throat. “Russell, I love you and I want to be with you. But it’s your choice how you want to live your life. Only – please don’t worry about whether you can stay in Denmark. I can see at least two possible ways and I’m sure my mum could help us work out other options. You know she’s a lawyer, and her specialty is family law.”

Jacob had talked about his mom being somewhat disappointed he didn’t study law, even if she approved of him choosing his own path. I hadn’t known her field of expertise, though.

I wondered what Jacob was thinking of, but he continued. “The main issue here is for you to decide what you want to do with your life, both professionally and personally. And there’s something I’ve wondered about. How come you haven’t done any drawing, while you’ve been here? Last time you spent most of your time creating awesome pictures.”

He faltered a bit. “I…I still have your sketchbook, you know. But now you don’t even mention your favorite activity, the talent you meant to turn into a living. Why have you abandoned your dream? Is…. Is it because what happened five years ago?”

The blood drained from my face and I felt sick. When I began to shake, Jacob reacted just as fast as he had on the beach and in the café. Before I had time to open my mouth, he had me flat on my back and was pushing something under my feet. Gradually, the nausea subsided and the black spots in front of my eyes disappeared. In spite of the heat I shivered and felt cold, but Jacob’s body was lying next to mine and he held me close.

“I’m sorry, Russell. I should’ve known better. I love you.” He kissed my cheek and I turned my head for more of the affection I craved. At first his kisses were hesitant, but when I put my arm around his neck and pulled him closer, he dove in and claimed my mouth with fervor.

Making out with Jacob was amazing. I forgot my worries and insecurities for long moments and I knew I couldn’t give up this drug of love and desire. I guess once my secret was out, I was out too. It would be impossible to go back or deny who I really was. And just like the first chink in the dam wall was a warning of the flood to come, accepting I was in love with Jacob blew open the cover of all my repressed emotions. Suddenly I was shaking again, because I knew this was going to be difficult and it would hurt. My father’s disapproving scowl appeared before my inner eye.

After a while Jacob had calmed me down enough for us to talk, but I decided to let him take the lead. “I think it’s easier if you ask questions, Jacob. Otherwise I won’t know where to start. I promise to answer honestly, even if I’m embarrassed. Just don’t be angry with me.”

My boyfriend laughed and kissed me again. “That’s an easy promise, Russell. You make me frustrated and impatient at times, but never angry. Only the thought of anyone hurting you can infuriate me.” I basked in the warmth of the love shining from his blue eyes. Not even Evan made me feel this secure and cared for. “So first of all, why did you freak out when I mentioned drawing?”

God, he would start with the hardest part. “It has nothing to do with the way I got sick, Jacob, so stop blaming yourself. Until you asked, I’d forgotten the reason I didn’t go swimming with you and Evan was I wanted to finish those sketches.” I thought about asking him why he still had my sketchbook from that summer, but refrained. “Even after I was well enough to leave rehab, my hands were shaking too much to do any drawing. I simply didn’t have the fine motor control.”

I cringed at the memory of denying my talent to the physiotherapy guy who’d helped me regain control of my hand movements. He’d asked me if I played the piano or drew or liked to build models and a bunch of other stuff. Playing computer games was the only thing on the list I’d admitted to. Oh, I’d tried drawing several times in the privacy of my room, but the results were so inferior, I’d become even more depressed.

“I hated not being able to draw the way I wanted. One day I decided to put all my sketching stuff away for a while. I got sad looking at them.” I took a deep breath.

“My father happened to come into my room, as I was throwing everything into a box. He told me he was glad to see I’d decided to stop wasting time with my childish hobby.” I mimicked his voice saying the next words, which had been burned into my mind.

“It’s not a suitable occupation for a real man, Russell. I’m proud of you and impressed you made the right decision.” Tears filled my eyes as they hadn’t that day. “It was the first – and only – time Father ever told me he was impressed by me, and one of the few times he’s said he was proud of me.”

I remembered my surprise and instant flush of happiness, as he’d come over and put his arm around my shoulder for a sort of hug. Together with the pleased look on his face it had reinforced my decision not to take up my favorite activity again. Even when my hands were back to normal and itching to sketch this or that, I suppressed every urge. I was reluctant to disappoint my father and held the cherished recollection of his approval and fatherly touch in front of me to avoid giving in to temptation.

Wiping my eyes, I continued my confession: “I missed drawing badly, but as the months passed it got easier. I gradually filled my time with other, more suitable activities. Things Father didn’t disapprove off.”

“So no one questioned your decision to stop?” Jacob was incredulous, and I nodded.

“Evan tried to bring up the matter several times during his last year in high school. But when he saw how upset and sad the subject made me, he stopped. He probably thought I was devastated to lose my only distinguishing talent, and I was.”

Only by then I knew deep down, I’d not lost my ability to draw, only rejected the possibility. But I ruthlessly suppressed the truth along with any other ideas and emotions which my father considered unmanly. Only now did I see how I’d gradually lost myself.

“I guess I wanted Father to approve of me the way he seemed to like Evan. He never compared us or told me, I should try and be more like my twin. He’s not stupid or cruel, you know. But he did expect me to do my best, and it was just bad luck, my talents were not in areas he appreciated.” A small, bitter laugh spilled from my lips. “But since I’m already a ‘failure’ for how I feel about love, why try to earn his approval by giving up other things I like or want.”

A long litany of denied wishes and crushed hopes brought fresh tears to my eyes. Silly and serious stuff mingled together, from the childish desire for a kitten rejected with the words “Nonsense, only girls and sissies like cats” to my interest in skating, which I never even hinted at, knowing what the reaction would be. Swimming had been barely acceptable, and mainly because the medical people recommended it as a beneficial activity. But maybe it helped I found swimming boring and expressed my dislike to my parents.

My father’s reply was typical. “Well Russell, I’m glad you’re not keen on shaving your legs and prancing around in barely decent swimwear. But since we do have a pool, I guess you might as well use it for exercise, as the doctor advised us.”

It suddenly seemed to me anything I found joy in was ‘unsuitable and unmanly’. But dull, despised stuff done out of duty was always ‘character building or responsible’. Evan and I loved shopping for nice clothes, but we soon learned to hide it with moans while making sure Kristin dragged us along. When she had babysitting duties, she watched romantic or girly movies, and we always joined her. Ostensibly to make fun of them and her as true younger brothers, but secretly I liked most of them. Perhaps my twin did too?

“I just realized something funny, Jacob. Evan and I are probably pretty typical gay guys, but we’ve had to hide it forever, so no one caught on. Including me! Father always squashed every tendency immediately, but Evan found ways to indulge himself without raising suspicion. In high school he managed to get on the prom committee every year and be part of the group in charge of the decorating. The way he sold it to Father was by telling him ‘the most popular girls are always involved in organizing the prom, and of those the prettiest seem to end up in decorations. And since I’m usually the only guy volunteering to help, I have a huge advantage.’ My twin is clever AND sneaky.”

Jacob and I spent some time laughing over this and other stories, including the time Evan had boldly told Father we wanted to get a luxury treatment at a spa the day after our eighteenth birthday. “He’d managed to book time with the older sister of a pretty girl in his class. Evan more or less implied we wanted to hit on her, saying she was better looking as well as being a woman rather than a girl. You should have seen Father’s grin at the idea, even if he knew we’d be unlikely to actually have sex of any kind.” Spending several hours in Evan’s company being pampered at the spa remained one of my best memories.

“Does this mean you’d like me to book a similar treatment for us when we get back to Copenhagen? I know a place we could go, and it includes the possibility of private moments and rooms for intimacy.”

I blushed but nodded my assent while trying to hide my instant erection by sitting up and bending my knees. But of course Jacob noticed my happiness at his suggestion and before I knew it, I was sitting in his lap having a heavy make out session.

But it was still too hot outside and in the tent to be bodily close for long, even if Jacob had pitched our tent in the shade of a couple of small trees. He pitched an impressive tent in his shorts too, while he kissed me and fondled my ass.

“Do you want to take a walk? It’s probably cooler down on the beach.” I agreed and we grabbed our towels and the small bag with Jacob’s camera and our valuables. He’d assured me several times we could leave the rest of our stuff in the open tent with little risk of it getting stolen.

“Who’d want to nick our smelly socks and used sleeping bags, anyway. As long as the food is not inside to tempt a fox to chew or piss on our stuff, we’re OK. And there are no bears or other animals to worry about.” I hadn’t been totally convinced, but so far we’d had no problems.

Walking down to the beach hand in hand once again made me a little dizzy with joy. I kept glancing at Jacob, marveling at my fortune in being loved by this handsome protective Viking. Every time he smiled at me or kissed me, my heart soared and butterflies went crazy in my stomach.

“Jacob, I want to stay here, with you in Denmark. I don’t know what I’ll do, but maybe I could get a job for a while?” Once again my mouth blurted out thoughts directly with no filter, but the pleased expression of my boyfriend reassured me.

“I’m so happy you want to stay with me, Russell. I’m sure we can figure something out, even if it’s not so easy to get a work permit. But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. The next important matter is: Do you want to go back to Copenhagen and get in touch with our parents? In other words are you ready to tell them we’re together?” I gulped and he drew me into a hug.

“I know it’s scary, but if we’re going to be a couple, we might as well face the consequences now. The longer we wait, the harder it’ll be. At least we can truly claim we’ve only just taken the step from friends to boyfriends. And I know it’s selfish of me, but I’m so proud of having you as my boyfriend, Russell, I want to show you off to my family and friends.”

I looked up into his face and saw the sincerity there before he kissed me. We stood close enough for me to feel his erection and I’m sure he knew I was hard too. The slight movement of his hips and his next words confirmed my suspicion.

“Mmm, and that’s another reason I’d like to get back to the apartment. I want to make love to you, Russell. And I think our first time should be in a bed, not on the hard ground in a hot tent. Will you let me take you home and do you trust me enough to give me your body as well as your heart? I promise I’ll be gentle and take care of you forever. I love you so much.”

I shivered and moaned softly into his mouth as we kissed and his hand cupped my ass and squeezed. Just like the night before when I first realized how I felt, my whole body ached for him to take me, penetrate me and claim me as his.

I don’t know how I even knew this was the way men would make love. I’d certainly not read or seen any porn, and I’d never imagined intercourse with anyone, neither women nor men. But somehow the untouched intimate place hidden between my buttocks tingled with need as Jacob’s manhood pressed against my body, and I knew I was meant to spread my legs and take him inside me. He would fuck me and fill me with his seed and maybe he’d touch my cock and make me come at the same time. God, I craved this so badly, I could hardly string three words together.

“Oh yes please. – I… I want you… us to make love… so much. – Love you, Jacob… need you. Please take me… home… soon, want you… inside. Please make me… yours. Forever… Oh God. Ahhh.” Jacob’s hand was inside my Speedo and within moments he had me spilling my seed against his fingers and my own skin. His other hand kept fondling my ass and his mouth muffled my cries of ecstasy. Once I’d recovered from my unexpected orgasm, I looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed our wildly inappropriate behavior.

But somehow Jacob had managed to conceal us in the dunes which lay between our tent and the coast. Since it was now almost seven-thirty at night, few people were still on the beach. We got down to the water and rinsed away the evidence of my release without encountering anyone. It was warm enough for a quick swim, but soon we returned to the tent and ate our sandwiches.

Our talk was mainly random chat, but we did make plans to spend another day at Læsø and then start traveling towards Copenhagen the day after. It would be the start of my journey towards a life out of the closet, such a scary concept…