Red Running Shoes - 9. Names

Sicily, in Matteo’s kitchen

I was cutting vegetables and stirring the soup under close observation of the Lord of the kitchen. If I proved myself worthy, I would be permitted to cook a minestrone all by myself eventually, naturally only as a trial. For our lunch, not for the guests, heaven forbid!

Still, it was fun to watch Matteo reigning over his realm. Although he was strict, he somehow managed bossing around his employees in a nice way. The fun started when he got inspired. He bustled about, muttered to himself and soon everyone was aware he was trying something new. Only when he was satisfied with the result, did he grab several spoons and small plates, and everyone had to line up to taste the new dish. Including Rick, who would be called out of his office, whether he wanted it or not. Usually he knew better than to complain, though.

I must have done something right, because I had been promoted to stirring Matteo’s famous béchamel sauce - ‘Look out! Try to stir it smooth and fast, so it doesn't burn!’ - when someone slammed the swinging doors open.

"Jonah, hurry! Change into this,” Rick pushed a bundle of clothes in my hands, “and come into the restaurant. I'm one waiter short and there are guests who want to be served."

"As you wish my beloved cousin and master." I looked at the black pants, black dress shirt, and apron in my hands. On top was a red tie. “A tie? No way--”

“There is no time for this, hun. Man up.” Off he went and when I looked at Matteo for help, he only made shooing gestures with his hand.

Seven hours later I could finally sit down and loosen my tie. I couldn't feel my feet anymore. No, no that's wrong. The only thing I felt were my feet, they were hot, they were burning. Running from the kitchen to the tables and back, carrying heavy trays - ‘Try not to spill anything dear!’ - and I was dead on said feet. Nevertheless, it had been fun.

"Thank you so much, Jonah.” Rick sat down in the chair beside me. “You did great; the guests liked you, even though you spoke a weird mishmash of languages according to Nando. What did he say again, Matteo?"

"He has a cute butt, a sad smile, and he speaks funny." Matteo came from the kitchen with three glasses and a bottle of his favorite Chianti.

I spluttered, “W-What?”

Matteo made a show of looking at my ‘butt’ and hummed. “Hmm-mm.”

I couldn’t believe it. “Who’s Nando?”

"Nando was the guy who sat at table three. He was alone and had his phone lying beside his plate the whole time.”

I frowned. “Oh yes, I remember him now. One time I almost put a plate on it.”

Rick smiled. “Nando is right, you know. There is sadness in your eyes too. I can only hope your journal will be finished soon little one; we really want to know what’s going on. We need to talk."

We need to talk, we need to talk, why does everyone kept saying this to me? Suddenly I felt exhausted, not so much physically but mentally. "I think I'll take the wine upstairs and write my journal like the good little six-feet-two boy I am. Good night you two old farts."

"Good night, Jonah. Sleep well."

“Sleep well…You jest, sir!”

***

Hey Zach, we need to talk...

The morning after that let’s say ‘eventful night’ when I had kissed Ren and Chris had broken up with Eric, I found the apartment empty, my sleep shirt neatly folded on the chair beside the dresser, and on top of it a short note from Chris:

Jonah, thank you for being there for me, letting me sleep in your bed, and even holding me in your arms. That meant a lot to me. Now I think I need to be alone for a while, pick up the pieces, and get over my pathetic self. Chris

Chris's note was encouraging, although I didn’t like the ‘pathetic’ part. It seemed he'd already started to pull himself together and tried to move on. But it brought back the things he had told me last night. Eric. I still couldn’t wrap my head around what I had heard. Eric had been jealous of Michael? And what was that with Ren? Weren’t they friends? Why would Eric be such an asshole? That was so sick. If anyone else but Chris had told me this, I'd never have believed it.

Remembering the whole Eric fuck-up made my head hurt and I decided to use one of my tried-and-trusted methods to work through stuff: I took a shower. Standing under the soothing spray, my muscles slowly relaxed and my thoughts drifted back to the night before.

Instead of leaning back, having fun watching Anne-Catherine annoying the shit out of Ren until he snapped - killing two birds with one stone, so to speak - I swooped in and rescued him right from under her fangs. For once, my usual reaction to Ren hadn’t kicked in.

And boy had I enjoyed seeing Anne-Catherine’s face, when she realized who just snatched her prey – Stefania de Rossi’s little brother. I had to call my sister later and tell her all about it. In detail.

There was one other thing I had enjoyed immensely, though I could barely whisper it in my mind: It had felt good laying claim to Ren. Saying he was mine. Even if it wasn’t true.

And while I was at it, I could admit the rest also. Not only had my usual knee-jerk-reflex not kicked in, but I had found him humorous, witty, and yes, damned sexy too.

The little stories he told, the remarks he’d made, how it felt when we danced, the kiss, his skin smelling of cinnamon. I had loved brushing some strands of his hair behind his ear, just because I could finally touch it. The tattoo on his neck—

Wait! Didn't he say he had gotten it for his lover?

All my daydreaming came to a screeching halt. I felt so stupid at that moment. How could I forget about that? No, it couldn’t be. Time to use that Frontal Lobe… There had to be something I was missing. Would he kiss me like that if he had a lover? No! Yes! If he were the asshole I'd taken him for. Still, it felt wrong. I had to think, think, think. It would make no sense for Eric to go through all his scheming if Ren already had a lover. And he would know that! Exactly! Maybe Ren had broken up with the other guy? Nonsense. He got a tattoo for him. That had to mean it was something serious.

I was stumped. Until a conversation flashed back into my mind.

When I had questioned him about his new tattoo, Ren answered that he had gotten it on Valentine’s Day for his partner. The dove represented his name. I thought it was funny, a guy named Dove. But then he had asked me, "Do you know the meaning of your name?"

Naked and dripping water all over the floor I ran out of the shower over to my laptop. Did he really say he got it for his partner? Or had I just assumed it and he just hadn’t contradicted me? This couldn’t be, could it? More likely was that Jonah stood for ‘gullible idiot’ or something like that.

With trembling hands, I opened the lid. The booting up took forever. Finally, I could Google Jonah:

The boy's name Jonah JOE-nah. It is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Jonah is "dove". Also means "peace" as the dove is a symbol of peace. Biblical: because Jonah was on board a ship when God caused it to sink, sailors have traditionally used the name to personify someone who brings bad luck.

Well, fuck me! I stared at my laptop whispering, “Jonah means dove! And bad luck, just perfect!” It couldn’t be what it looked like. Right? There had to be another explanation! Even though nothing else came to my mind.

Another part of the conversation came back to me:

"Is that a flower in his beak?"

"Yes. It's a black lotus."

Black lotus - Lotus flower - Japanese gardens – Japan- Ren.

Next I Googled ‘Ren’. Ren: From Japanese "lotus" or "romance, love".

Oh shit! My thoughts exactly, Zach.

Lotus or love. Dove or peace. 'Love', 'Peace', the only thing missing was 'Understanding' and we’d be back in the sixties - or was it the seventies? – and everyone could be happy.

My name also meant ‘Bad luck’! I’d have to talk to my parents sometime about this.

Speaking of bad luck, my phone started to ring. 'Call from Your Enemy' by Bottled Wax. Fuck! Ren! Crap, crap, crap. "Where is the fucking phone?" I ran around my living room like a headless chicken. What was I going to do? I really didn’t want to take that call.

Answer the phone? Very helpful Zach!

I must have sounded like I expected the devil himself on the other end when I finally pressed the call button, because the first thing Ren asked was, "Jonah? Is everything all right?"

I had to pull myself together. "Yeah, just tired."

"Did you have breakfast yet?"

"Uhm…no?"

"Can I come over? I'll bring coffee and something to eat. And then we'll talk?"

"Uhm…yeah?"

"Okay. I'll be there in thirty.”

"Yeah…"

He hung up and I stood there with the phone still in my hand, my heart beating so fast I could feel it in my throat. I had to calm down. I took in deep breaths and because I had just been in the shower I watered the plants.

You did what? I watered the plants. It’s the other thing I always do when I need to calm down. It helps me think.

I was cutting some dead leaves off my Peace Lily when a loud knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts.

I still hadn’t put on any clothes and stood before the closed door like an idiot. A naked idiot. "Ren?"

"Yes."

"Uhm, all right, look uhm, I'll open the door, but could you please wait outside half a minute or so before you come in?"

"Sure.” Pause. “Why?"

"Just do it, okay?" I cracked the door open just a little and then dashed to my bedroom as fast as I could. I grabbed the first pair of jeans I saw. Not bothering with underwear, I quickly yanked them on, fumbled with the button fly with one hand, while fishing a worn white tee out of the laundry basket with the other. When I passed the mirror on my way out, I saw that the jeans I had on were the pair I’d wanted to throw out because they were way too big on me and hung so low on my hips one could have seen the underwear. That was if there had been any.

In the living room, I found Ren bent over one of the side tables, looking at some family photos, a tray with two cups of coffee in one hand, and a paper bag in the other. When he heard me coming in, he turned around and lifted both eyebrows. "Nice pants…"

"U-hm…yeah, I was kinda in a hurry, because when I came out of the shower I needed to look something up." I gestured to my still open oh shit! laptop. Thank God the screen was black. Hail energy-saver options. "And I got distracted, so u-hm, I was not quite dressed when you knocked on the door, and…u-hm…yeah…"

"--you forgot the underwear." He completed my sentence grinning broadly.

"Something like that." I think I blushed. "So…what's for breakfast?"

"The usual."

"The usual?"

"Yep, vanilla latte for you, cinnamon latte for me, donuts with chocolate icing, and apple-cinnamon muffins." He set everything down on the coffee table.

"Yum, apple-cinnamon muffins; I like those."

"I know, we had this conversation before, remember?"

"Oh? Oh yeah. So, do you wanna sit down?" Nervously, I put my hands in the front pockets of my jeans, then noticed I pushed them down even more doing this, so I hastily pulled them out again.

Of course he had seen that and was laughing at me, even though he tried to hide it. "Come on, sit down; I don't bite." Ren settled himself on the far side of the sofa, looking expectantly up at me.

I sat down, drew my knees up, and wrapped my arms around them. Defensive much? Then I watched him, which seemed to unnerve him a little. Ha!

“So.” He fished a donut out of the paper bag and unwrapped it. "Did you talk to Chris since last night?"

"Why do you ask?”

Ren passed me my coffee. "I got a call from Eric on my way home."

"What?"

"He was…distraught.”

I snorted. “I bet.”

“Chris did call you, then.”

“Yes.”

“Did he tell you that they had a fight?"

“Yes. We talked a while on the phone, but when I noticed how bad he was, I told Chris to come over and he stayed the night. He was devastated." I opened my coffee, but didn't drink. Instead, I used it to warm my hands. “What did Eric tell you?”

“That they broke up. He said, seeing you with me had shown him who he really wanted. You.” He reached for his coffee. “Chris?”

“Told me the same. More or less. Minus the wanting-me-back part.” Obviously Eric hadn’t explained to Ren all the sordid details of his betrayal.

Ren looked at the donut in his hand. "So, is this not what you always wanted? Being with Eric again?"

"Hell, no!" When had this become so easy? "I don’t know this Eric anymore, to be honest. He has changed so much."

"Has he really changed that much?"

"I don’t know." I sipped at my coffee. “And I don’t care anymore.” I could almost feel Alec’s approving slap on my shoulder, saying ‘Finally.’

We were silent for a few minutes after that, each wrapped up in our own thoughts.

When I looked up, I saw Ren watching me and I asked, "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"You really don't love Eric anymore?"

I shook my head. "No. Some weeks ago, I might have answered this with ‘As a friend, I still do.’ Since last night though, I'm not sure. He did some shitty things. When he was with Chris, there were moments the old Eric showed. But the man yesterday? He was a stranger." I shook my head. “And you know what? I don’t want to make excuses for him anymore.”

Ren cleared his throat. "All right…just wanted to make sure. I meant to tell you this before…Well, whatever. I met Eric in a bar called 'The Green Banana--"

I interrupted him. "The what? The Green Banana? That’s just so...God!"

"Yeah well, to cut this short, we met, we danced, and I fucked him in the bathroom stall."

This time, I choked on my coffee. Grinning, Ren slapped me on the back until I could finally breathe without choking. "Easy baby."

Again with the baby.

He didn't go back to his corner of the sofa after that. "Where was I...Oh yes, well we exchanged numbers after our…encounter…and a few weeks later he called me. We met and--"

"--you fucked."

"Exactly. It wasn't meant to be a loving relationship; we were fuck buddies. Thinking about this now, it was fuck first, buddies later.”

That wasn’t what I remembered. “But some weeks ago, you said you were in a relationship with Eric for two months or something like that!”

“I often say shit when I feel someone is about to lecture me, criticize me for what I did… I exaggerated. We never were in a real relationship. Anyway, one evening I went to his place to pick him up. We'd wanted to go out, but he was still packing some old stuff into cardboard boxes when I arrived. I was getting bored while I was waiting for him as he was getting ready for the evening, and snooped around in one of the boxes. I found pictures of you and was instantly intrigued. When I showed them to Eric, he told me you were an ex. I couldn’t stop asking about you: Were you living in the city? How old were you? Were you still friends with him? Were you seeing anyone?

“Eric told me he cheated on you and you had left him. He told me he was sure you'd come back to him some day, though. I couldn't believe he cheated on someone like you and I told him so. He just shrugged it off, then grinned, and showed me more pictures. One I liked in particular: you naked, leaning against a kitchen table, drinking a glass of milk."

"I remember that picture; Eric made it one Sunday afternoon. We hadn’t gotten out of bed until I got hungry."

"Yeah…you...” He grinned. “You looked so—”

“Well fucked?” I remembered that weekend well enough.

He chuckled. “I snatched the picture when he wasn’t looking. I knew I had to meet you in person somehow.

“When I finally did, you never noticed me. Eric had been absolutely right about one thing: you weren't over him. I watched you at the club. I saw the way he hurt you every time he hooked up with another guy. Eric even told me he liked you watching him. And I would have let it go, believe me I would, if I thought there was a chance of you to be happy with him again. But there wasn’t. He normally wasn’t such an asshole but for whatever reason, with you he was. I needed a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Yes, it may sound stupid to you, but that’s how I work. To solve a problem I make plans.” He lifted his hand, his thumb up. “A: To find a serious boyfriend for Eric, not a random hook up, but a nice man, because it would make it easier for you to move on.” He added his index finger. “B: Move on. To me. Simple, neh? And even if you moved away in the end, it would be better than you pining over him for the rest of your life.” Ren shrugged. “Well maybe not that long, you would have gotten it eventually, I’m sure. And don’t think I’m only the Good Samaritan here, I intended to try damn hard to show you I am the right one for you.

“Only it didn't work out as I had planned.” He waved his hand dismissively. “I messed up the first time we talked. I tried to hide my being nervous by being cocky. Grave mistake, obviously you hated cocky. Which made me only more nervous the next time. From then on, everything went downhill. I kept fucking up.” He lifted his hand again and counted with his fingers. “The second time you slammed a door in my face, the third time you simply turned around and ran away, the fourth time at the coffee shop went surprisingly okay, but the next day at your apartment went totally wrong again. Some things simply can’t be planned, at least not with you, I know that now.”

I couldn’t let take him all the blame. “Maybe it wasn’t all your fault. I kinda overreacted too. I talked with some of my friends about it. Some of what they said was a real eye-opener. Obviously I’m a drama queen sometimes.”

Ren shook his head. “You just don’t like being manipulated. It’s that easy. Only I didn’t realize I was doing that, and this is not, in any way, meant as an excuse. The worst was that evening at the club when you danced with Michael and then went into the bathroom with him. I was going insane, especially when Eric kept joking around about what you were doing in there. I was so drunk. I lost it. I’m really sorry for what I did, Jonah. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t even remember that I drank that much, but obviously I did.”

“It was Eric’s fault. He kept pouring shots into your drink when you weren’t looking.”

“What? How do you know that?”

“Chris told me.”

“But why would he do that?”

“I think that’s his new and special brand of humor.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny when Eric told me you took Michael home. Still, it could have been only a one-night stand, but then Eric came back from visiting you one day and told us you and Michael were together. My wonderful plan had failed entirely. Whatever Eric said then, I promised myself I wouldn’t attempt to come between you and Michael. I’m not that much of an asshole. Even when Chris told me you and Michael were over, I knew I had blown every chance I might have once had.

“And then last night happened. You came to the party and…the way you kissed me, claimed me in front of Anne-Catherine, irrational hope flared up again. I wanted to grab you, take you home, explain everything to you, make love to you… Then my brain kicked in. This wasn’t your usual MO, after all. You should have made snide comments, or at least ignored me, sneered at me. I got suspicious. There had to be something going on behind my back; you confirmed that when you told me Eric had called you. Getting Anne-Catherine off my back was all that you had come for – and to tell me I pissed you off. It felt like a punch to my gut. Still, the evening went so much better than it had looked at first. We talked, we had fun, you laughed at my lame jokes, and listened to my little stories. I obviously managed to not piss you off this time. Then we danced, and I got the feeling it wasn’t just for appearances anymore. Our kiss. I could feel how much you enjoyed it. But this time I wanted to make it right. I wanted to tell you about the picture, my failed plan. Eric. You had to know everything. For the first time I believed I had a chance again.” He raked his hand through his hair, even pulled at it.

“Yeah well, bad timing I guess. Last night, Eric told me that he still loves you. You can be with him again."

Looking into those – okay, Zach that may sound ultra-saccharine, but it is the right word - soulful, dark eyes, I knew exactly what to do.

And yes Zach, I can almost hear your outcry: Whoa!!! Jonah! That’s way too fast! But I told you I’m impulsive and irrational at times. It felt like it was the right thing to do, because I was doing it. So…

I got on my knees on the couch, swung one leg over his lap, and straddled him. I’m almost as tall as he is and I had difficulties placing my legs in the right spots. It must have looked ridiculous, not that it mattered.

Reaching up with both hands, I caressed his face, traced his cheekbones with my thumbs, before I let my hands fall to his shoulders and pulled him close. "You didn’t listen. How could I want a manipulative asshole, when I could have the crazy guy who inked a dove on his neck because it's my name? Who puts a lotus flower in its beak, where it could be snapped in two so easily? The meaning of your name is lotus. Right?” He stiffened in my arms.

I couldn’t have that. Trailing kisses down the tattoo to his shoulder, I opened the buttons of his shirt, followed the inked chain over his shoulder up to his left upper arm, where it was connected to a tattooed band decorated with two different kanji.

Ren made a strangled sound, and his arms came around me, pulling me hard against his chest. "Then you're mine now?"

My mind briefly balked at the word ’mine’. Still, I nodded against his shoulder. It felt right, somehow.

His hands began roaming over my back, massaging my shoulder muscles over my t-shirt and finally slipping past the waistband of my jeans, grabbing my butt and pulling me even closer until our groins were pressed together. He was hard, as was I. When I felt him, I involuntarily bucked against him. “Damn.”

“Jonah?”

Digging my fingers into his hair, I rotated my hips to get even more of this. I just couldn’t stop rubbing myself against him. Why was he questioning me?

"If you don’t stop this…" he whispered and then I felt his warm tongue pressing against my lips. When I didn’t open up fast enough, he nipped at my lower lip. It stung and I opened my mouth to protest; that was just what he had waited for. He took over, not that I minded. At first it was more a duel than a kiss, with teeth clanging together, nicked lips, it was wet, it was messy, it was perfect. And at the end it was soft and gentle.

When I finally collapsed against him, he wrapped me in his arms possessively. "I caught you. No more running away, love!"

I smiled as I remembered his Valentine's note. He had been so sure then that he’d catch me one day. And he was right. I snuggled into his chest. There really was no one else. I closed my eyes. I needed a nap, but first I needed a shower.

Peace Lily