Red Running Shoes - 16. Ginned Up

Chris called? Why would Chris call? All we had done so far was exchange a few emails, nothing else. I hadn’t really wanted to hear anything that reminded me of home, not even Chris’s or Michael’s voice and he knew me well enough as not to bat an eyelash. I would come around eventually. Maybe that was it. He thought it was taking me long enough.

Maybe Ren had… Yeah, right, and why do I even care?

Before I got myself anymore in a tizzy of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’, I grabbed my phone and pressed speed dial number two. I hadn't touched number one, not even for deleting.

"Hello?"

"Um, Chris? Hey, it’s Jonah."

"Jonah, hey! You’re alive!"

"Yep. Not drowned in the sea or fallen into the soup pot.” No chitchat. “Why did you call? Is everything okay?"

Chris chuckled. "Yes of course. Why wouldn’t it be?"

"I don't know. You never called me before, so I got kinda nervous…"

"Nah, everything is fine here. I just thought it was about time.”

“Ah.”

“And um… I wanted to ask you something.”

There we go. “That sounds ominous.”

“Nah. It’s just…Michael and I have some free time in about two weeks, and we wondered if you’re ready to connect with your old life and we could, um… visit you - maybe.”

"Visit me?” Red flags appeared before my eyes and a lump of concrete landed in my stomach. There had to be something wrong. Something they could only tell me in person. I swallowed. “Sure, I'd love to see you two again.” Deep breaths. “You're sure everything is fine though?"

"Really, Jonah? Okay, listen: YES. I. AM. SURE.” I could practically see him rolling his eyes. “Can't we just want to visit a friend we haven't seen in months and who by pure coincidence lives in a very nice place with a beach nearby?"

He was right. I was being an idiot. "Yeah, yeah, of course you can. So how is it going so far?"

"It's great, really, really great. Michael is so adorable Jonah, it's fucking unbelievable. I've never been happier in my whole life.”

Adorable?

“I’m happy for you two. You know that. Right?”

“Sure I do.” Silence. “Guess who got married?"

Four words and I could feel my heart beating in my throat again. "I don't know, Aurel?" I tried for upbeat. And failed miserably, I’m sure.

"Ha, close but no. Anne-Catherine. Can you believe it!"

"Really?” And my fucking heart still didn’t calm down. “Who is the brave guy? Do I know him?" It was ready to jump out of my body and have a life of its own.

"Peter Lawrence. You must remember him. They were on and off like a million times, because he was never her first choice and he knew it. But I guess when Ren didn't show any more interest even after you left, she became impatient or panicky. Aurel said it was the latter. Anyway, Peter couldn't duck away in time, and whoops, the wedding had been announced. End of story.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. You should have seen Aurel. He almost went down on his knees, begging us to come. Apparently he couldn't get through the whole ‘my bitch of a sister's getting married’ thingy without some real friends by his side for moral support."

"Okay.” Deep breath. Another deep breath. I had a bad feeling about this. “Everything went as expected though?"

"For the most part, yes. There were some smaller accidents, a few disputes, and embarrassing moments. Aurel snatched one of the groomsmen for a quickie before the ceremony had even started, so yes just a normal wedding.” I could hear Michael in the background. “Why don’t we talk about this some more in two weeks when we can show you the pictures and we can dish out the real dirt. You should have seen her wedding dress—”

"Pictures? You took pictures?”

“Naturally. We were supposed to catch the embarrassing moments. Michael even brought the telephoto he normally only uses for birdwatching. Aurel hired a costly photographer for the shiny ad photos, but for the dirty, ugly truth and blackmail material he hired us.”

I couldn’t help my grin, when I imagined them sneaking around to catch everyone at their worst. “Now I can’t wait to see the pics. You let me know the exact date of your arrival as soon as you can, okay? We’re going to pick you guys up at the airport. And um, Chris? I'm looking forward to seeing you and Michael again. I really am."

"Yeah, me too.” He hesitated briefly. “Is there something you didn’t tell me? Rick mentioned a guy…"

The blabbermouth! “Well, maybe."

"Interesting. Will we meet him?”

“Of course. His name is Sandro.”

“Sandro. From Alessandro?”

“Yes.”

“Well, we'll be there in two weeks, and then we'll talk."

And then we’ll talk?

"Give Michael a hug from me, okay?"

"Yes, will do. Bye, Jonah." Click. Wow, talk about awkward.

Do I need to think about my weird reactions?

I certainly should, but I didn't want to. Maybe later. I had to work this out though; it wouldn't be fair to Sandro if—

"Jonah? Could you come down here and try my new walnut-apple-dressing? I can't decide if I like it or hate it." Matteo stood in the open kitchen door, a dripping spoon in his hand.

Maybe I should talk to Matteo. Yeah, I think that's a good idea, but not now.

"All right, I'm coming!"

The more I thought about it, the more I got the feeling Chris hadn’t exactly been thrilled when he asked about Sandro. I couldn’t even say why. Maybe it was in his tone, or how he said we would talk. Well shit, I didn’t need his approval or anyone else’s while I was at it. I had had enough of everyone sticking their noses in my personal stuff all the time.

***

While we were waiting for Chris and Michael to come out of customs, Sandro paced around me nervously. Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer and grabbed his arm. "Jeez, Sandro, what's up? You're making me nervous here. Do you have to be somewhere else or what?"

"Nah, it's nothing…" Just when he said this, one of the bracelets he’d been fiddling with snapped. We both tried to get it while people were walking all about, almost stepping on it, or kicking it away. When I finally managed to grab it from just under the foot of a 250 pound guy, I asked, "Nothing, huh?"

"I'm terribly nervous," Sandro mumbled.

"No shit! Care to tell me why?" I took his hand and intertwined our fingers, before there were only bloody remnants left of his nails.

"I don't know… I just have a bad feeling."

"About what? They're my friends; they'll like you."

"Hmm…"

I took both of his hands in mine. "Sandro, really. Just stop. Okay? It would be nice if you could be friends, but if not.” I shrugged. “It’s not as if they are living here."

He sighed, then rolled his eyes. "Okay."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my forehead against his.

Where the fuck are they? It can't take them that long to grab their bags from the baggage claim and finally get here.

Suddenly I was pulled out of Sandro's arms from behind and lifted up from the floor.

"Hey!"

"Jonah! Finally! We thought you forgot about us," Chris shouted in my ear, turning me around to properly bear-hug me.

"What? We've been waiting here for you guys for what feels like hours. I thought you missed your plane or something!"

"You said we'll meet outside the departure gate."

"Oh no, I never said anything like that."

"Oh, fuck!” He actually slapped his forehead with his hand. “Now I remember! I said this to er… the guy who’ll pick us up, when we go back. My fault." He grinned sheepishly.

I shook my head. Chris was more chaotic than me sometimes, which is quite an accomplishment.

"Well, whatever. Chris, Michael, this is Sandro," I took Sandro's hand and pulled him beside me, "Sandro – Michael."

Michael smiled at him. "Hi, nice to meet you." And to me: "You’re only going for the looks, eh?"

"No.” I grinned. “It doesn't hurt though." And I kissed Sandro on his cheek.

I gestured at Chris, who stood a little more away from us. "And this is my best friend Chris."

Chris nodded briefly. "Um, yeah, hi." After that, he took his bag and walked briskly to the entrance. I frowned, then looked at Michael, who merely shrugged.

"Well, come on guys, let's go, otherwise we'll pay more for parking than you did for the entire flight."

Chris’s behavior hadn’t helped to relieve Sandro of his nervousness. When he drove through the heavy traffic around the airport, his movements were jerky and he stepped on the brake several times way too hard. Chris, of course, had to roll his eyes at that while Sandro looked into the rearview mirror. It didn’t help that Michael punched him in the ribs and Chris irritably asked, “What?”

I had to do something fast. Damage control. “So, uh Michael, how was your flight?”

Michael of course got me right away. “Did you see that list of the twenty most annoying things people do on a plane?”

“The one on cnn.com?”

“Yeah, that one. I think we can tick every one of them. For example, Chris had the good fortune to sit directly behind a guy who totally missed the concept of how well soap works together with water. Right, Chris?”

“Hmm.”

“And the two people behind us had to discuss their relationship in detail. The whole plane could hear them. TMI got a real new meaning for me. I think I actually blushed.”

“Do tell.”

“Definitely not!”

I chuckled dutifully, while desperately thinking of another topic. “How was the food?”

“What food?” Michael made gagging noises. “One look at whatever that was and I got my chocolate out. Chris tried it though.”

Chris only grunted, then he let his head fall back on the headrest and pretended to sleep, clearly signaling he had no interest in making this any easier. In the end I fumbled with the radio until I found a station which played classic rock without much Italian chatter, silently planning to rip Chris a new one as soon as I got him alone.

Sandro dropped us off at the restaurant and of course didn’t want to come in. Who could blame him?

While Chris and Michael got their bags out the trunk, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then I said loudly, "I'm sorry, babe. I don't know what's gotten into the idiot." I nuzzled into his neck. "What about I come over tonight?"

He smiled at me. "No, this evening belongs to your friends, and I have to do the monthly billing anyway. But I'd like to have breakfast with you in the morning, on my roof terrace. What do you think?"

"Hmm…I think I'd like that."

"All right, that's settled then. Don’t forget to bring a sweater; it's starting to get a bit cool in the morning."

I waited until I couldn’t see his car anymore, then turned around to look for Chris.

When I came in though, Matteo had already shown them to their room, so I followed them. Halfway there, I met Matteo. "I wouldn't go in there if I were you." He grinned.

I stopped. "Why?"

"Michael doesn’t seem to agree with the way Chris reacted to Sandro, to put it mildly."

"Perfect."

***

Matteo had dinner served in the restaurant’s second, more intimate dining room, which was usually reserved for small groups who wanted to dine more privately.

At the beginning, everything was a bit tense, especially between Chris and me, but after some glasses of wine it got slightly better. Matteo of course, couldn’t resist explaining in detail, where he got the ingredients for every dish, and Rick had to tell them what a good waiter I was. He explained how well the patrons liked me, and that I would not only get generous tips, but the occasional invitation, for a drink after my shift. When he said the word ‘drink’, he wiggled suggestively with his eyebrows. Of course, he didn't forget to elaborate on my embarrassment, every time this happened.

After dinner, while Michael was upstairs getting his computer so they could show us the wedding pictures, Chris finally turned to me. "Jonah, I have to apologize for my behavior at the airport. I'm really, really sorry, I-I didn't mean to offend you, or Sandro, I… was just shocked, I think."

"Shocked? Why would you be shocked?"

"I really had not expected to see him… Sandro and you so close already. I was going to tell you… um, something, but now I don’t know, everything has changed. I never thought you would find someone new so soon; not after what you and Ren had."

I inhaled angrily to tell him off, when he lifted his hand and stopped me. "I know, I know; that's no reason to behave so rude."

"Exactly. And I am the wrong person you should be apologizing to, don’t you think?"

"Yes, I know that too. I'll do it next time I see him, okay?"

"Hmm. You'd better… and what did you want to tell me anyway?"

"That's not important anymore. Just, let's wait for Michael." Then, to Rick and Matteo, "Do you want to join us in dishing the dirt on the pitiable groom and his snobbish bride?"

"Oh yeah, I could never resist seeing pictures and listening to gossip of a big, bad wedding!" Rick rubbed his hands with glee.

At that precise moment Michael came back carrying the laptop. "Do you have a video projector by any chance?"

"Indeed we have," Rick exclaimed. "What a good idea! Matteo, get us something to drink, and don't forget the popcorn. This is going to be so much fun!"

Half an hour later everything was ready, and we sat in anticipation while Michael searched for the right file.

Anne-Catherine looked good; I had to give her that. Then Chris told us that she let Peter wait under the rose arch for at least half an hour, which explained why the groom, looked…pained.

I had to laugh when I saw Aurel obviously bored to death, while he waited together with Peter for his sister to finally have her grand entrance.

The next pictures showed the other groomsmen. They all made various faces of disgust and I was laughing my ass off only to almost drop my glass seconds later. Ren. One of the groomsmen was Ren. I think I must have made some noise because suddenly everyone was looking at me, not that I cared.

On first sight he looked good in his tux with his long black hair tied together at the nape of his neck. Ren was by far the best looking of the groomsmen. But he had lost weight.

His hair is longer than mine now.

"Who's that?" Matteo suddenly asked. "Oh! Is that Ren?"

"Yeah…," I muttered.

"He’s hot."

I wanted to slap Rick upside his head.

Idiot!

"Sometimes you're as sensitive as a log, love." Matteo sighed.

"What? I'm right, am I not? And besides, it's over, he–"

"Just shut up, will you?" Matteo picked an almond filled olive out of a bowl and put in Rick’s mouth. That did the trick.

Michael clicked to the next picture. It showed a long table with the bride and groom and their closest relatives. It seemed Aurel was just in the middle of getting up to give a speech. The wary expression on Anne-Catherine’s face was priceless.

"The reception was at Anne-Catherine’s parents’ house We had to listen to endless speeches.” Here came some photos of various people standing about awkwardly, while fumbling with crumpled sheets of paper in their hands. “Expressions of thanks, Aurel cracking some silly jokes,” In the pic, my friend wore such an expression of glee, it must have been a good one. “The bride's father getting drunk,” and we got to see the man with an empty glass and a silly grin on his face, “the bride's mother crying a river.” She actually sat there with a pile of used tissues in front of her on the table. Yuck!

“In other words, the usual stuff.” Michael looked searchingly at Chris, who shrugged.

What now?

The next photo showed the table with the groomsmen and bridesmaids. Michael turned to me. “We all wondered why the place beside Ren stayed vacant and obviously we weren’t the only ones because suddenly the groom's mother noticed it too and insisted to know whose place that was. When Ren didn’t react, someone, some ‘Uncle Paul’, finally took the place card and read your name, loudly."

"What?" I couldn’t believe it.

"That was obviously what Anne-Catherine had waited for, because she immediately asked in her shrillest voice, so that even her deaf grandfather must have heard, if you were late again. Of course the stupid twat was well aware that you two were separated. Everyone could see that."

"Oh my God. How did he react?" Crap!

"He paled, but otherwise stayed admirably calm, while explaining politely that you weren't coming because you two broke up weeks ago. He even apologized for not telling her beforehand.”

Fuck!

Suddenly everything felt constricting. I couldn’t breathe. I needed fresh air. Without looking at the others, I left the room and didn’t stop until I reached the beach. With the cool sand under my feet, and the surf roaring in my ears I stood still and stared out to the sea, and up to the vast sky with its thousands of stars.

Why am I so upset?

Ren hadn’t been happy. He had looked sick…no…beat…or…

Ahh fuck!

I picked up a piece of driftwood, and threw it into the water with everything I had.

"Jonah?"

Michael.

"I guess seeing Ren was a bit of a shock for me or something…"

"I wanted to warn you, or at least take the pictures out, but Chris said you would have learned that Ren was one of the groomsmen and what happened anyway."

“Yeah.”

"Look, I have to tell you something… Crap, I don't know how to begin… Okay, here we go. I spoke with Ren at the wedding."

"What?"

"Yeah." He tugged at my arm. "Come sit down with me."

"I don't even know if I want to listen to you." But I sat down anyway.

“As soon as the dinner was finished, Ren disappeared. Nobody knew where he had gone. You know, everyone always agreed that Ren was an ass for what he did to you, but Anne-Catherine wasn't any better. And I don't even want to imagine how Peter felt, seeing his wife being a mean bitch to the guy who had refused her. She's such a… whatever. Eventually, Aurel went looking for Ren. He wanted to apologize for his sister, but he couldn't find him and we thought that he’d gone home. The whole atmosphere had gotten so bad that I wished I could leave too, which of course wasn’t an option. Instead, I went into the garden for some fresh air."

Michael sighed. When he started talking again, I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to hear the rest. But I didn’t stop him either.

"I walked through their garden and somehow came to a part where an old wooden swing and a truck tire were hanging from a tree. And there I found Ren. He was sitting in that dirty, grimy tire, despite wearing tux trousers and a white dress shirt, a half-empty bottle of gin in his hand."

"Gin? But he hates gin!"

"Yeah, I know. At first I thought he hadn't seen me, but then he looked up, lifted the bottle in greeting and called my name. So, not knowing what else to say, I asked him what he was doing. Stupid question, I know, and he looked at me as if he wanted to say just that, but then he asked me if I knew where you were instead. I said yes. He then wanted to know if you were okay and I answered ‘Yeah.’ He didn’t say anything else, but just when I got up to leave, he asked me if I wanted to have a good laugh at his expense too. I didn’t know how to answer that, to be honest, but I guess he didn’t expect me to anyway. He took a big swig out of the bottle and said, ‘You too think I’m an asshole. Right? Like the others. A cheating scumbag. A slimeball.’ He laughed so hard, that he almost fell out of the tire. ‘Only I didn’t.’ He laughed again, this time it sounded almost manic. ‘As a matter of fact, I was cheated.’ ”

“What?” How could he say that?

Michael nodded. “That’s what I said too. He didn’t listen though, but gulped down the gin as if it were water, murmuring to himself the whole time. When he finally did talk to me again, he seemed suddenly stone cold sober though. Looking straight at me, he told me how Eric had asked him to go out with him one night. That he wanted to show Ren a new restaurant, which, according to Eric, was exactly what Ren liked. Only Ren hadn’t been in the mood.”

“Well, he found his mood pretty soon.”

“Ren said he had been missing you and was having some stress with his father, he really hadn’t wanted to go out, but somehow Eric talked him into it anyway. While they were waiting for a table, Eric hung at Ren’s arm like they were still lovers, but just when Ren wanted to tell him off, an older couple started talking loudly about how easily a restaurant could lose its reputation if it were catering to the wrong guests. Ren didn’t stop Eric anymore. They pretended to be on a date and Eric even went so far as to stage-whisper to the hostess they needed the perfect table, because he intended to ask Ren to marry him right there in the restaurant. Ren thought Eric was overdoing it but then the older man looked at them with such disgust that he wanted to show him. So they joked around, and Eric even made a cheesy proposition speech. All was going well and then all of a sudden another waiter came to their table and gave him your keys. Ren knew exactly what had happened and he tried to call you right away, explain everything to you, but you didn’t answer your phone.”

I looked at Michael. "Role play? Eric wanted to role play? Because someone looked at them funny? Are you kidding me?!"

Michael snorted. It was an unhappy sound. "Yeah, that was what I told Ren too. He pierced me with his eyes, there was so much anger…I think I actually took a step back. Drinking the last of his gin, he then scrambled out of the tire swing and for a moment I feared he was going to hit me. But he only threw the bottle against a tree with so much force, it literally exploded. ‘I was tricked, Michael!’ Breathing heavily, he yelled, ‘Jonah told me not to trust Eric, but of course, I knew better.’

“What did he mean he was tricked?”

“Apparently the sick fuck was at the restaurant trying to get it on with the hostess, when Chris had called and made the reservation. Hearing your names, Eric immediately decided to try and talk Ren into going out with him at exactly the same time and then make it look like they were still screwing.”

“No!”

“Eric then boasted that he made sure Jonah loathes even the idea of cheating. Then he said, “It took Jonah forever to finally trust you. Right? And now he thinks you betrayed him too. He'll run. You won't see him ever again. If I can't have him, you won't have him either.’”

“But why did Ren play along in the first place?”

“I’m not sure he actually would have had it not been for those homophobic idiots. They played right into Eric’s hand.”

“What did Ren do when Eric told him?”

“He punched him in the face."

So Matteo had been right, although…“Do you believe Ren?”

“Yes. I talked it over with Chris, and…yes, I believe him.”

“Eric destroyed Ren's and my relationship on purpose… why… oh shit." I felt as if somebody had poured a bucket of ice cold water over me, I shivered so much. Desperately I tried to sort through my feelings… Betrayal, anguish, remorse.

I couldn’t think anymore. I got up, ran to the water, and I screamed. I screamed against the sea, the wind, and the void I was feeling until warm arms were wrapped around me, and I heard Michael's voice in my ear. “Shhh, Jonah. Calm down.” After rocking me like a frightened child for a while, he was finally able to drag me away from the water. “Come, let’s go home.”

Shaking furiously, I sobbed in his arms. "I can't be with someone Michael, because I can’t trust."

Michael ran his hand through my hair, then tried to dry my tears with his thumb. "Jonah, it wasn't your fault. Chris was there too, he came to the same conclusion."

"If something similar happens with Sandro, what will I do?"

"After you calm down you will talk to Sandro. You would have done the same with Ren if he hadn’t said what he did at the café. Right?"

"I guess."

"Yeah, I thought so."

"Why did he say those awful things, Michael? He knew it would hurt me. Making me think the whole time he betrayed me, that he even planned it…that’s just cruel. How could he do that?"

"I asked him the very same thing and he said he'd been so furious that you still couldn’t trust him, that you’d think he would do that to you, he lashed out saying the one thing that he knew would hurt you the most. Thinking about it now, he actually never tried to gloss things over, but admitted freely that he knew with doing this he would fuck up anything that might have been left. His words.”

“Why? Why would he do that?”

“He said you’d be like a gazelle, mere suspicion of a threat works like a trigger for you and you run. He, on the other hand, needed a level of trust you couldn’t provide. He was hurt and lashed out.”

"Michael, he-I…oh my God."

Michael took my arm and pulled me up. "Come on Jonah, you're wet and full of sand. Let's get you into the shower and then you can take a pill and sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow if you want."

"I'm having breakfast with Sandro in the morning…"

"No problem. I'll wake you. Is 7:30 okay?"

"Thank you Michael, you're such a good friend…I--"

“Shhh. You’d do the same for me.”

After the shower, I sat down on my bed. I still felt exhausted and drained. When Michael came to bring me the sleeping pill, he found me turning Ren’s ring around in my fingers.

"Is that Ren's ring?"

Only then did I notice what I was doing. "Yeah…"

"He still loves you, you know…"

"How do you know?" I asked.

"He told me so."

"I didn't need to hear that right now, honestly…"

"Well maybe, maybe not. Sorry, sometimes I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. Here, take your pill. Do you want me to stay until you are asleep?"

"Okay, thanks."

***

Michael kept his word and woke me at 7:30. I dressed and I even remembered to take my sweater. What was I going to tell Sandro? After taking one look at me, he would definitely ask me how the evening had gone. In the end I decided to tell him everything, to start dealing with these trust issues of mine right away.

Sandro listened to me silently, while staring at the folded hands in his lap. But when I had finished, he lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes. "Will you go back to him?"

My heart almost stopped when I saw the desperation there and I took his hands in mine. "No, I won't leave you. What's done is done. It's all in the past. We're together now."

"But do you still love Ren?"

That's the question I'd been asking myself since I spoke with Michael. I swallowed. "I don't know."

"Jonah–"

"Look, I know, that's not what you want to hear right now, but I need to be honest – with you and with me. I have issues I need to deal with. I fucked up royally and right now I'm not sure I won't do it again. So maybe you should reconsider. All I can say is I want to be with you, only you. So, if you still want me, you’ll have me."

"I'll take what I can get, Jonah… I love you. I liked you even before I knew you, just from what Rick told me, and from reading your poems. But when I finally got to know you, worked with you, I fell for you, faster than I thought it was possible."