Force of Nature - 2. Chapter 2

The flight was smooth. Sitting up through it didn’t hurt my ribs like I thought it would. The only time they truly bothered me was when I grew tense during the takeoff and landing. No matter how many times I’ve flown, I’ve never really gotten used to either.

Mom had our ride waiting for us at the airport. Not having a lot of luggage and all of it belonging to Mom, it didn’t take us a long time to get back to the house. As my home came into view while we drove down the paved driveway everything already groomed and perfect, the lawn, and the rows of trees on both sides of the road. They were losing their blooms and making way for their leaves. It had been cold in New York, but here Spring was in full force. The lawn had already greened and started growing and looked freshly mowed.

I had to admit these surroundings were more welcoming than what welcomed me after I stepped off the bus in New York. I knew I wouldn’t be going back there anytime soon. Being out of the hospital and walking on the sidewalk, even though it was crowded with people, I felt too exposed and vulnerable. At least I didn’t feel that here.

“After you are settled into your room I want to talk to you,” Mom said after the car came to a gentle stop in front of the house. I looked out the window to see Dad standing out on the front porch, dressed in a suit with his arms crossed.

“Alright,” I said, sliding out of the car when my door was opened. I squinted from the brightness and walked up the stairs.

“Look who’s home,” Mom said and I heard her heels clicking against the pavement as she rushed around the car and up the stairs to my dad. He offered her a smile as she kissed his cheek, but then turned back to me.

“Welcome home, Jason,” he said, uncrossing his arms and reaching out to touch me, but let his hand fall to his side.

“Thank you, sir,” I said and I followed them into the house. Once inside they turned towards the kitchen and I looked up at the wide double staircase that led to the second and third floor. This house was a modernized plantation style house. High ceilinged with large rooms. It was Mom’s favorite place to spend time at, but I knew Florida and the beach would be calling to her soon, our beach house was my favorite. This year though, I would have stayed home to be mentored by Dad.

After walking up the first level, it opened into a bright sitting and entertainment room. I turned to the left to a smaller staircase that led to the left wing of the house where my bedroom was. Being an only child I had all the space I could ever want. There were three bedrooms and two bathrooms on this wing. When I stepped into my room I sighed looking around. It had been cleaned and the bed was already turned down for me. I wanted to shut my door and crawl into bed, but I knew Mom would just come searching for me if I kept her waiting too long. So instead I walked into my closet and grabbed a shirt, some boxer briefs, and a pair of shorts and then walked into my bathroom.

Looking over my body as I undressed, I couldn’t keep from grimacing. I had a pink scar just below my sternum about two inches long where they went in to stop my internal bleeding. My skin had lost a lot of its summer tan so I looked paler than normal and I had lost some weight. All the bruises were nearly gone and my hair was longer than I liked as well. I didn’t really look like myself, not even in the eyes, they seemed larger and a darker shade of brown.

Stepping into the shower I turned on the hot water and held my head up under the gentle spray of the overhead rain shower. I reached up and pushed my hair out of my face my eyes closed. The water was relaxing and when I finally did step out of it to grab my soap I washed and stepped out onto the cold tile floor. I grabbed a towel and dried off cursing when I bent over too quickly from the pain that shot through my ribs. As long as I was careful though, it wouldn’t take too much longer before they healed.

I didn’t wait around in my room after the shower. I walked slowly back down the stairs and into the kitchen. Mom was sitting at the breakfast bar picking over a salad. She had a glass of wine in her other hand and when she saw me enter the kitchen she put down her fork and offered me a smile.

“There you are,” she said, “you really do need a haircut.”

“I know,” I said reaching up and running my hand through my hair. Mom and I would have the same dark brown hair color if she didn’t keep her’s dyed blond. Apart from that though, I looked a lot like Dad. The same height and lean muscular build. “Where’s Dad?”

“Phone,” she said nodding towards the living room. “Always talking about boring business, you know that.”

“Yeah,” I said and Mom frowned studying me. It was then I realized I hadn’t walked farther into the kitchen.

“Jason, you act like a stranger in your own home,” she said smiling and rolling her eyes.

“There’s no one here Mom,” I said clenching my hands into fists at my sides, “stop the act.”

“What act?” She asked putting down her glass of wine and turning to me on the bar stool.

“The one where you pretend to care,” I answered trying to keep my voice strong.

“I’ve always loved you,” she said and I saw a tear slide down her cheek. I should have known it to be real concern on her face, but I couldn’t help the doubt that always overshadowed the two of us.

“I know,” I countered, “but you love your clothing line more than me, you probably love this house more than me, hell you’d love Sadie more than me if she didn’t bite you that one time.”

“Where is that damn dog anyway?” Mom asked standing up she walked towards me never taking her eyes off me. “Now you get something straight here and now Jason, you will not speak to me like that anymore.”

“Fine,” I said looking down at her. Although she was a few inches shorter than me, more so now with her heels off, she was still intimidating.

“Whatever you’re angry about, I hope you can just tell me so we can get over it and move on,” she added, crossing her arms.

“Do you remember at the hospital when you didn’t even touch me until Doctor Werth and the Detective entered the room?” I asked my anger rushing over me. I wanted to look away, I already saw what I needed from her as her expression hardened.

“What’s happened to you?” She asked uncrossing her arms and I was about to turn away when she caught hold of my arm and I turned back around. “You used to be a nice young man.”

“Nothing,” I answered sighing, “forget it.”

“Tomorrow is Monday,” she said letting go of my arm. “I called Morris.”

“Morris?” I asked not recognizing the name.

“My old therapist,” she answered, frowning.

“On a Sunday, Mom?” I asked, shaking my head.

“He’s always on call for me,” Mom replied smiling, “and well anyway he really helped me and your father through that rough patch.”

“I don’t think I really need counseling, I didn’t think that was a real thing,” I countered and she reached up and patted me on the arm.

“You heard the doctor,” Mom countered, “the sooner we get all this taken care of the better it will be.”

“For who?” I asked, shrugging off her hand.

“Tomorrow morning at nine honey,” she said as she stepped around me and walked out of the kitchen.

The rest of the day they left me alone. I had expected more questions, but they left the house for dinner leaving me to cook my own. Maybe they were letting me settle in. I wanted to believe that they learned something from all this. They had nearly lost their only child, that had to mean something to them.

After dinner I changed into a pair of trunks and walked outside to the pool. It had a rock waterfall and a hot tub. Decorative rocks and exotic plants lined the waterfall. It had always been relaxing in the summer months. It was a bit too early to swim, the water was likely still cold, but it had already been cleaned. I put my towel down on one of the lounge chairs and pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and walked to the stairs. I usually would just dive in, but didn’t know how my ribs would handle something like that. I liked to get over the shock of cold water quickly. As I stepped down onto the first concrete step I shivered, but kept going until I was waist deep and standing on the flat bottom of the pool. The water was just cold enough to cause my teeth to chatter and make me think twice about the whole thing.

When I finally got up enough courage to dive under the water I bent my knees and pushed forward. Swimming hurt my ribs so I ended up just sitting in the water up to my chest with my back against the wall. I knew I’d need to keep moving to keep myself from shivering, but the water did what I needed it to do. The cold forced me to concentrate on what it was doing to my body and didn’t allow me to think. Logically I knew it was a tenuous path to be on. The longer I fought to forget everything the longer it would be before I started to get over it. That if I didn’t get over the violence of that night it would consume me further than just the nightmares.

“What in hell are you doing?” Dad asked from above me. I jumped not hearing his approach and my legs went out from under me. When I came back up I pulled my sunglasses off and squinted up at him. He had my towel open in front of him.

“Swimming,” I answered but I stood and walked towards the steps. He followed me along the side of the pool and when I was standing on the sun-warmed concrete patio he handed me the towel.

“That water is too cold, you know that,” Dad countered as I dried my hair and draped the towel around my shoulders.

“It wasn’t so bad,” I said, shrugging.

“You’re still shivering,” he said, “damn it Jason, when are you going to grow up?”

“It was just a swim, Dad,” I argued and his blue eyes studied me for a few moments. Then he shook his head and looked towards the house.

“I know we did bad by you,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. Over the light breeze and the sound of the waterfall and the chattering of the birds, I could barely hear him. “Don’t start rebelling against us now, it is far too late for that.”

“You’re telling me that I’ve missed my chance to be an ass?” I asked, crossing my arms, then wincing at the weight of them against my chest. He saw me and even I thought he looked concerned when I let my hands fall back to my sides.

“Yes, I guess I am,” he answered, “you’re a grown man you just have to accept the past and move forward.”

“Even if that means hating the two of you?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“We looked for you and waited for you to call,” Dad said and I looked down at the pool, the gentle waves caused by the waterfall made a sloshing noise against the side. It was always relaxing to just sit out here sometimes and listen to it.

“I left my cell here with you, so I wouldn’t,” I whispered, “when I left I thought it was for good.”

“You would have come back,” he countered, but he didn’t sound completely sure of himself.

“I wouldn’t have, you made it clear to me before I left that I had nothing here,” I said and then we both heard his phone’s ringtone from inside of his pants pocket. He seemed relieved as he pulled it out.

“We’re not finished,” he said, but he accepted the call and turned his back on me and kept walking back to the house. I knew it was finished though, he never came back to me after a business call. When I was younger I thought he just forgot. I had allowed the excuse of work to spare him some of this, but as I got older I came to realize he just didn’t care much about family. Not even Mom could catch his attention whenever she wanted him to. It was the threat of a long and costly divorce that really got his attention when things got so bad that Mom even cared to notice his increasing absences. Something that she wasn’t bothered with most of the time either, because she knew without Dad her family’s company would have fallen and she would have fallen with it. He had been hand picked to be the person to take it over next and Grandma told me that was the only reason Mom had married him in the first place. It wasn’t something she should have told a teenager, but she had grown to hate them too.

When Grandma was growing older and her lawyers finally pressured her to make a will, Mom realized she was planning to give most of our fortune to charities and the rest to me. The company would have been broken down or sold, it wouldn’t have survived that much financial loss.

Then one evening we came home to find her unconscious on her bedroom floor. It had only been an accidental overdose, but Mom and Dad used that to gain control of the company. After they won they shipped her off to a nursing home and not long after that her mind really did fall apart and she died in hospice care. I had been the only one to see her, but I only made it on holidays during college.

She told me not to trust my parents and to learn to live my own life. Not to be afraid of breaking out and trying to live for myself. I didn’t listen to her advice and I knew if she were alive now she would be disappointed. My Grandmother was the only person truly close to me that I knew loved me. She was the only one that showed me that she did anyway. I had resented them for taking her away. Seeing her collapsed on the floor had scared me and I thought they were doing good by her. Nothing surprised me about them now, I had finally understood.

As nightfall approached my anxiety grew with every passing hour. I hated when I felt exhausted enough to turn the Xbox off in my room and get into bed. I had finally decided that counselling wasn’t a bad idea. That I may actually need it if I was too scared to actually sleep.

It didn’t surprise me when I woke up screaming later that night either. My head was throbbing and I had pulled the sheets from the bed and kicked off the covers. My body drenched in sweat, I could feel drops running down my back when I sat up. Shivering from the sudden coolness of the air I walked into the bathroom and pulled off my boxer briefs and stepped into the shower. I let the water fall over me until my muscles began to relax before I started washing.

By the time I stepped out of the shower I looked towards the window and saw daylight. Glancing at the digital clock on my nightstand I saw that it was already past seven. At least I had made it through most of the night before the nightmares came, it was probably the most I slept after waking up in the hospital and even then I didn’t feel rested.

When I was on the second floor landing I smelled food cooking in the kitchen. Walking down the front stairs and into the kitchen I was surprised to see Mom standing at the stove struggling to flip pancakes. What she had already managed to cook was in a crumbled mess on a plate and even more was in the trash can. When she saw me she frowned and slid the skillet off the burner and turned off the stove.

“I was never much for cooking,” she said looking around at the mess she had made.

“Where’s Tania?” I asked noticing that a lot of the help Mom and Dad had hired around the place hadn’t been around much since I got back.

“Tania will be coming in after dropping her son off at school,” she said, “but I knew you had an early start and didn’t want you starving.”

“Right,” I offered, walking around the counter to get a better look at breakfast. The only thing she really had that was edible was a glass or orange juice she poured from a carton in the refrigerator.

“So, eat up,” she said, patting me on the shoulder. “Morris doesn’t like it when people are late.”

“I’m already showered and dressed, I’m not going to be late,” I said, studying her as she wrapped her soft pink robe around her silk pajamas. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I saw some of her natural color around the roots coming through. She would most likely be covering those up sometime today.

“You look nearly indecent with that long hair,” she said leaning against the counter. Then she grabbed the glass of orange juice and took a drink. Then seemed to realize that she had poured it for me and sat it back down closer to me.

“Go ahead, I’m not hungry,” I said, “I just want a bottle of water.”

“You’re too thin,” she said and from any other mother I would have smirked, but I couldn’t get past the judgmental tone she used.

“I’ve not really had time to take care of myself, but I’ll be presentable soon enough,” I countered opening the refrigerator door and grabbed a bottle of water.

“Start with a haircut after your session, start living again,” she said smiling as she pushed herself off the counter and stepped past me heading back to the bedroom, but stopped at the exit of the kitchen. “Oh and I pulled some strings and got you a new driver’s license, have Kenny take you to pick it up.”

“I could have just done that myself,” I said then sighed, I had to admit she thought of getting a new license before I did, “but thank you for going through the trouble.”

“That’s more like it,” she said and stepped around the corner.

Looking around at the mess I felt sorry for Tania coming into work this morning and seeing everything. She hadn’t put the eggs or milk back into the refrigerator. Three other pans that she tried to use had burnt pancakes stuck to the bottom. Crumbs and egg shells were littered all over the floor. I walked over and closed the egg carton and put the lid back on the milk and shoved them into the refrigerator then I ran some water into the sink so maybe when Tania did get in the stuck on pancakes would have come off the pans.

By the time I swept the floor and threw out the ruined pancakes I thought that I could actually be late if traffic was bad. I didn’t even know if Mom had arranged for Kenny to pick me up. I wished I had my license already, I wouldn’t have asked to be driven. When I opened the door though the sleek black BMW was parked out front and Kenny was smoking a cigarette leaning against the hood. Then I saw a large black dog bounding across the lawn with its tongue lolling out of its mouth. She ignored Kenny and bounded up the wooden stairs to me.

“Sadie,” I greeted kneeling down so she could lick my face. She was a puppy that Mom adopted when she was doing an animal rights charity. After the charity was over Mom had tried to give her away to anyone that would take her, but no one did. “You’ve been exiled out of the house, what did you do?”

“She bit your mother again,” Kenny answered from the bottom of the stairs, “ready to go?”

“What did she do to her this time?” I asked dodging Sadie, I walked down the steps towards the back seat of the car. Kenny walked over and opened it leaning against it. I could smell the cigarette smoke on him and smiled.

“Tracked in mud, your mother cornered her in the kitchen with the broom, so Tania says anyway,” Kenny answered and I rolled my eyes as I got into the car.

“Mother won’t like you smoking again either,” I said leaning back and fastening my seatbelt.

“While you were gone she fired me, the other driver lasted two days,” Kenny said before closing the door. I laughed and watched as he walked around to the front and got in. He started the quiet engine and I looked out the window as he started driving down the driveway to the front gates that were already opening with our approach.

“Do you know where we’re going, Kenny?” I asked and he nodded his head.

“Your counselling session and then to the courthouse,” Kenny answered and I nodded and leaned back closing my eyes.

When we arrived I only had a few minutes to spare as I stepped into the waiting area. The front receptionist seemed to know who I was and offered me a broad smile as she answered the phone. She motioned for me to come stand in front of her. The only other person in the waiting room was a guy about my age. I only allowed myself a quick glance at him as I crossed the room, but it was enough to know that he was watching me.

“He’s been waiting for you Jason, go on back,” she said and she nodded towards the wooden door with the brass handle.

“I don’t have any paperwork to fill out?” I asked, but she just shook her head and waved me on. Shrugging I walked over to the door and opened it. There was a narrow hallway that was decorated with fake artwork and there was soft classical music playing in the speakers. It was supposed to be soothing, but all I knew was that I was about to talk to a complete stranger about my darkest feelings. I didn’t know if I could. After knocking, I opened the door to see Morris sitting at a small desk. I expected a leather couch for me to lay on, but it was a brightly lit room with a pair of chairs positioned across from his desk.

“Take a seat Jason,” he said and I hesitated a few moments before I walked across the room and sat down. Looking around I saw a small fish tank in one corner with goldfish swimming around inside it. The corners behind his desk had identical fake potted plants. When he cleared his throat I turned to see him smiling at me.

“Sorry,” I apologized, “I’m a little nervous.”

“Nothing to be worried about,” he said, putting on a pair of thin framed reading glasses. His hair was salt and pepper, combed, and meticulously styled. He had a strong face that wasn’t marked by wrinkles. “Now your Mother told me you were attacked and your doctor suggested counselling.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said, feeling myself gripping the arms of the chair, my knuckles turning white. When I noticed I released my grip and put my hands in my lap.

“Have you been feeling anxious? Around strangers or outdoors?” He asked taking out a notebook and a inkpen.

“I’m only anxious when I think about what happened and before I get ready for bed,” I answered trying to keep my breathing even. My palms were beginning to sweat, but Morris seemed like a nice guy. I didn’t know what to expect since Mom had liked him or maybe this was the only person she knew to call.

“Nightmares?” He asked, offering me a smile. “That’s normal, they won’t last.”

“I know,” I answered looking down. “Not something I can really prepare for, right?”

“Well you can try to calm yourself before bed, don’t focus on the fear of having a nightmare, I can prescribe you some sleeping medications, all natural if you like,” he said as he wrote in the notebook.

“I don’t really like taking anything,” I said shrugging, “I know all I need is enough time to get over it.”

“I’ve also been told about the incident before you left,” he said, pulling his glasses off his face. “I’ve been working with both your parents over that as well.”

“Mom told me she only saw you during that time she threatened to divorce my Dad,” I said feeling my face flush as I began remembering that night before I left. I was angry about being ignored while Dad was doing work on his laptop and Mom was watching ‘The Bachelor’ on television. The only thing that got their attention was to tell them that I was gay. Mom dropped her glass of red wine and started yelling at me for causing her to make a mess by telling her such a disgusting joke. Dad closed his laptop and stared at me until I stood and left the room.

“She called me after you stormed out, I was in the middle of dinner,” he said, smirking. “I’ve been trying to tell them it’s natural, they seem to blame themselves.”

“It would be a first for them,” I countered reaching up and holding my face in my hand. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Are you really a homosexual?” He asked, “Or were you just trying to get some attention.”

“Oh I really am,” I said, “can we get back to the real reason why I’m here?”

“Your mother thought it wise that we talk about this too, since it did cause you to leave home,” he said, putting down his pen. “And I have to agree.”

“This is about her isn’t it?” I asked, “She called you hoping that you could convince me to forgive her.”

“No that’s not true,” he argued, frowning and glancing at his watch. He was probably expecting her call after my thirty minute session ended. “But it would do you some good.”

“Are you fucking my mother?” I asked, glaring at him. When his eyes widened and his mouth fell open I was already standing, he didn’t deny it. Instead he looked completely guilty and ashamed of himself, like a kid that just got caught sneaking a playboy out of the restricted section of a magazine shop.

I didn’t slow down when he finally called my name. Instead I slammed the door behind me and walked the narrow hallway. When I opened the door and stepped into the waiting room I glanced back at the receptionist. She had stood and was walking towards her exit to try and stop me. The other guy in the waiting room looked completely amused and I wondered what this all looked like. I hesitated until I saw him nod his head towards the front door as if to remind me where it was. Then I started walking again and when I was out on the street I saw the BMW parked, but Kenny was nowhere around. He probably thought he had thirty minutes, but I had only been in there for around ten. Swearing under my breath I looked around hoping to see somewhere I could hide away at or somewhere close by where Kenny may be. I didn’t want to give up and just walk aimlessly around town. I was about to start walking across the street to the McDonalds thinking Kenny would be drinking a coffee there, hoping to hit on unsuspecting women when I heard someone exit Morris’ building. I refused to turn around and see who it was.