Weeping Lily - 10. Chapter 10

When they were alone Jayden drew Cal down on to the bed next to him. “I had a dream.”

“What kind of a dream?”

“A weird one. I dreamed that we... that we... kissed. Not like before... I mean... properly and... and I...” He stopped squeezing his eyes closed.

“It’s okay Jayden... you don’t have to...”

Jayden opened his eyes and they were haunted. “No... no listen. You... you pulled away and... and your eyes were... you said... you said terrible things to me, called me names. Said I was... was some kind of emotional retard, a sad little fag... too... too abused.... too... damaged to make it with a woman so... so...”

“Jay! Jay stop it! It’s your own fear that’s saying that, not me. I would never say anything like that to you.”

“I know... I know that... but what if... what if it’s right? I can't... make it... can’t... with a woman... with anyone. What if... what... if...?”

“What if you can’t make it with a man either?”

Jayden winced, his eyes full of pain. He nodded slowly, his hand gripping Cal’s with desperate intensity.

“You don’t understand do you?”

“Understand what?”

“Love.”

“I... I don’t know what... what you are trying to say.”

“I know. Look... I’m not gay Jayden. I like having sex with women. It’s good. It’s great... but it doesn’t mean anything, never has. Then there was this guy... last night... in a pub. He... he came on to me... and he was... okay, but... he... it repulsed me. The thought of touching his body, touching any man’s body repulses me.”

Jayden’s eyes had gone wide with shock and glistened with tears. “No wait... you still don’t understand. I needed to tell you that so that you can understand. That man... when he touched my hand and I felt... disgusted... it made me think. I thought about the man, the women I’ve had...” His face softened, “and then I thought about you.

“It doesn’t matter. Don’t you see that? It doesn’t matter about anyone else, anything that happened before, anything I felt before. I don’t love you because you’re a man Jayden, maybe I love you despite it... but the fact is I love you. I don’t love your gender, I don’t even love your body although... well... we’ll come back to that one when you are feeling better... I love you... the essence of you, the spirit of you, the soul that is encased within that flesh which could be anything and I would still love you. I love you with every ounce of my being, every atom, every breath.

“And I believe you love me too, which means that it doesn’t matter what went on before, even who you were before. Love makes us new. This is a whole new ball game. It’s not going to be easy, I know that. I’m not naive. I know it will be a steep learning curve for both of us and I know that ... that you have a lot to... to come to terms with. But it will be worth it, more than worth it.”

“I... I’m scared Cal. What if I can’t... if I... I can’t...?”

“Then we’ll deal with it. But trust me, it isn’t going to happen.”

“Promise?”

“I can’t, but I can promise to love you no matter what.”

“But what if..?”

“Jay... let’s lay it on the line. I know you have been hurt... more than I can even imagine... and I know it has... affected you. I know you haven’t been able to... to get close to anyone. I’ve had enough sex to last a lifetime, believe me, enough for both of us. It's enough for me to have you in my life, to know that you love me, that you will be there when I go to sleep at night and when I wake in the morning. If it goes no further then so be it. Just to hold you in my arms, to be with you, to see those beautiful eyes light up just for me...” He pushed the heavy hair away from the pale face and left his hand lingering against the soft cheek, stroking it with his thumb. Jayden’s eyes were wide, glistening with tears.

“Don't cry.”

Jayden shook his head. “No... it... it’s okay. I... I think... no I...um... I know... I love you Cal. I... it’s hard to say. I’ve never... never said it... never felt it but... but I... I do... I really do.”

They both smiled and this time the kiss was more than just a brief touch of the lips but no less tender, no less sweet and this time Jayden didn’t fall asleep in the middle of it. When Cal lifted his head Jayden’s eyes were bright and still filled with tears. He was breathing hard.

“You take my breath away.”

“Easy. Don’t want you doing anything silly now.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then you had better behave yourself. That doctor is so pessimistic he already had you laid out in your Sunday Best.”

“I don’t have a Sunday Best.”

“Okay well, your favourite leather trousers then.”

Jayden smiled then grew serious. “I almost did, you know. I... I could... could feel it. I... I knew I was dying.”

“I know... I felt it too.”

“You told me to let go. But then... then you said you love me and... and I... I couldn’t. I had to come back. Just for you. Only for you.”

“Oh Jay... I love you so... so much. I couldn’t bear it... I thought... I thought I was going to lose you. That doctor kept telling me that there was no hope but... I... I think I went a little crazy.”

“What do doctors know?”

“Yeah... bloody quacks.”

Jayden tenderly tucked the wild strands of golden hair behind Cal’s ear. His hand was trembling. “You’re going to have to learn to trust me.”

“Always.”

“No more craziness?”

“That’s a little too much to ask.”

“Okay. Then just promise you’ll go home tonight... well... what passes for home these days. Get some sleep.”

“Jay... I don’t want to leave you.”

“I know... but... Cal, don’t you think I have enough to worry about?”

“If you put it like that...”

“Promise me.”

“Alright... but I’m not going anywhere until you’re asleep so you had better work on that one.”

“I’ll do my best but... well... I’m not that sleepy. Tell me the news, what’s been going on?”

“You’re bloody insane, do you know that?”

Jayden looked genuinely surprised. “What do you mean?”

“Well... we have all been kind of wrapped up with something recently.”

“What? Oh... oh yes. I didn’t think...”

Cal frowned. “Actually Jay... well... there is something. I... I don’t know whether... whether I should say but... well... you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

“Sounds ominous. What’s wrong?”

Cal looked at him and bit his lip. Jayden’s face was so open, so beautiful, so... “Kelly’s here.”

“What?” Instantly a shutter came down and Jay’s eyes went dark. It was as if somewhere deep inside a door had slammed and Cal felt a sudden surge of anger against the world, against Kelly, against himself for having hurt him.

“I’m sorry Jay, I shouldn’t have said.”

“No... no... of course you should have. I... I... is she here now?”

“Yes. I tried to make her go away but... I... I... didn’t want you to get affected by the upset. She wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Why?”

“She heard about what happened. She said she had regretted what happened for years but didn’t come and see you because she was afraid you would think she only wanted to know you because you were famous.”

“What about Anya?”

“The subject hasn’t come up.”

“I... I don’t know... I don’t...” He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut. “Cal I...”

“I know. Do you want me to tell her to go away?”

“Yes... No... I... I don’t know... I want to... want to... want to see her but... but I... I don’t.”

“It’s been a long time Jayden.”

“What’s she like?”

“She’s like she always was only older. Has Luc eating out of her hand, as ever. She’s... she says she’s sorry, that now she’s older, has a kid of her own, she understands. She says she wants to make it up to you.”

“Why now?”

“That’s exactly what I said. She... um... she said she was afraid of what everyone would think.”

“She shouldn’t have cared.”

“No... she shouldn’t... but she did, she always has.”

“Cal...” There was something in his voice that chilled Cal to the bone. His eyes were haunted when he looked up and the expression sent a shiver up his spine, lifting the hairs on the back of his neck. “She... that... that woman... she... she made me... made me talk about... a...about...”

“Woah... don’t Jayden... don’t go there. You have enough to cope with for now. You have to get well and strong again. You have to... have to... You can’t deal with that now. Put it aside.”

“I... I can’t. She... she made me talk... about... about everything. I had to... had to... couldn’t help it. She gave me a drug... made me talk....” He looked away and then back. “Everything Cal... everything. I saw it all... all of it. And I can’t... I can’t...”

“Jayden please. You are still so ill. You can’t cope with this. You can’t deal with it now. Please...”

“I can’t help it Cal. She’s torn the lid off the box. I can’t put it back on again because it isn’t there any more.”

Again Cal felt the hot surge of anger that anyone... anyone would have dared to mar the perfection, to have hurt his angel. He had no idea what to say, and suddenly he was scared again.

“I don’t know what to do to help you. You’ve never let me help you, not with this. Please Jayden. Don’t go down that road again. You have so many good things in your life now, don’t let the bad things from the past come back and mess it all up. Please Jay... please let it go.”

“I... have never let it go Cal. You know that don’t you?”

Staring into his eyes and seeing the one thing he feared most staring back he swallowed heavily and nodded.

“I buried it. I learned to push it down, deep inside. When... when it came up again I had to run away and... those times... those times I...” His hand in Cal’s was trembling and Cal gripped it strongly.

“You don’t have to...”

“Yes... I do.” He closed his eyes, not because he was tired but because he couldn’t look Cal in the eye. He was shaking even more now and Cal was growing concerned for him.

“Jay... listen to me. You are too ill for this now. For God’s sake you almost died... the doctor STILL won’t confirm it isn’t going to happen. Please...”

Jayden lifted his eyes and Cal shuddered. Jay shook his head. “I can’t Cal... I... I have to tell you... I have to. It... it’s only fair. You might not... you might not want me when you know.”

“Jay, you’re scaring me. I don’t...”

“Please... just listen.”

“Alright, I’ll listen. I’ll do whatever you want but please just... just take it easy. Calm down first.” Cal stroked the hair out of Jay’s face and his stomach twisted when he winced. He didn’t like the fact that the skin under his fingers had gone so quickly from being cold to being hot, flushed. Was he starting to get a fever or was it something else? Was there something burning him from within?

“I can’t... don’t you understand? I can’t be calm, never be calm... not until you know.”

“Then tell me.”

Jayden let himself fall back against the pillows and closed his eyes, still trembling. Now that he came to it he was in no hurry to speak but Cal was desperate. Jayden’s face was flushed and twisted in pain. Even though he knew that the pain was emotional it worried Cal enormously. Jayden just wasn’t strong enough to cope with stress like this. Only minutes ago the doctor was threatening to sedate him if he didn’t calm down.

Scared, Cal’s eyes were drawn to the monitors behind the bed. He understood them no more than ever and the fluctuating numbers frightened him. A light was blinking on and off in the corner of the screen, had that been there before? Was it an alarm of some kind? He started to think that he really should call someone; that he had to do something.

“I wanted to be hurt Cal.” His words were low, choked by the emotion blocking his throat. “I needed to be hurt so I went looking for it. There are... there are places... I couldn’t cope with what happened to me so I needed to... I had to... I re enacted it... in a fashion... over and over. I let myself be used, hurt... I...”

“What!??” Cal couldn’t believe what he was being told, he couldn’t reconcile the pictures the words were painting in his head with the Jayden he loved. Jayden’s eyes snapped up and went wide, terrified by what he heard in Cal’s voice.

“Cal I... I... The first time it was an accident... I... was looking for a fight and I picked on the wrong guys in the wrong place... they... took me somewhere... did... stuff and... and I... the pain went away. The horrible feelings of being... nothing... of... of... I... I thought I was going mad but after... after... the pain went away.

“And the next time I made... safer arrangements.”

“Jayden... are you telling me what I think you are telling me?”

Jayden lowered his eyes and nodded. “I... let myself be abused Cal... I wanted it; looked for it; needed it. Sometimes... sometimes I was paid for it.”

“You were a whore?”

“I... guess.”

“Is that what you did? All those times you disappeared? Is that what you did? Every time?”

Cautiously Jayden nodded, daring to peep at Cal, through lowered lashes, the screen of his hair forming a protective barrier between them. For an instant Cal felt unbearable rage. Rage at Jayden’s parents for damaging him so badly, rage at himself that he had not tried harder to help Jayden and had not pressed him to talk about what happened to him all those times he had run away... and rage at Jayden too, that he had sullied himself, had been spoiled, defiled... the thought of other people touching that body and... no, he couldn’t think of that.

Jayden lifted his head, tears pouring down his face and he shuddered when he saw the look in Cal’s eyes, even though he hadn’t moved, hadn’t said another word. For a moment he opened his mouth as if to speak and then something died in his eyes and he turned his face away.

“Please go now.”

“Go? Why?”

“I can’t... I don’t... I don’t feel so good.”

“Are you alright? Do you want me to call someone?”

Cal was half on his feet to summon the doctor, his eyes anxious and his heart pounding, but Jayden shook his head and stared up at Cal, his eyes swimming with tears. “Just... just...” and suddenly it all just fell away. He was so sweet, so lovely, so... Jayden.

“Oh fuck Jay... you should have told me. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have... I could have... Ah fuck. Do you realise how stupid that was... what could have happened?”

“I... couldn’t... help it.”

“I know. I know baby. I know.”

Careless of anything but the chasm in his heart and the darkness in his lover’s eyes Cal gathered Jayden into his arms and held him tightly. At first he was stiff... rigid in his arms... and then he melted, burying his face in the luxuriant hair and sobbed. Cal cried too, but more quietly.

“Do you... do you hate me?”

“Hate you? How could I possibly hate you? Do you listen to anything I say? I love you. I will always love you, no matter what you do.”

“Can you see why I... why I am... unsure?”

“Unsure? About what? About me?”

“No, not that, never that. About me... about whether I can... if I can...”

Gently Cal disentangled himself from Jayden’s clinging arms, and brushed the damp strands of hair from his tear streaked face.

“We’ve already been through this Jay. I don’t care. Please understand that. I hope that one day you will be able to talk to me about what’s happened to you, to let me help you. But you don’t have to. And there is nothing that you can tell me about what went before that will make me love you less.

“Yes, I’m angry. I am so angry about what has happened, what you’ve had to do to deal with all this and that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me but...” He smiled and stroked the beautiful, wondering face of his friend; his lover; his angel. “It’s alright. I can be angry. I can even be angry with you... although I’m not. I can be angry and sad and frightened and scared but... but I will still love you, because love isn’t supposed to be easy, nothing truly worthwhile ever is.

“Don’t worry. I’m here now. I will always be here. You never have to be alone again and whilst I have breath in my body and blood in my veins I swear I will never let anyone hurt you again.”

Jayden swallowed and shuddered. “Not even if I want them to?” The words were so soft Cal barely heard them but they hurt him, stabbing into his heart with every syllable.

“I... don’t know. We’ll face that when it comes.”

“I... Cal I...” He couldn’t finish what he was going to say because exhaustion completely overtook him and stole his power of speech. Only the tears that squeezed out from beneath his lowered lids, that and the trembling that shook his body right up to the moment he finally relaxed in sleep, betrayed the inner struggle, the pain, the horror that twisted him.

For a long time after Jayden fell asleep Cal sat and watched him, his body wracked with silent sobs, his heart and mind in turmoil. Only one thing was clear and that was that he loved Jayden and that meant the whole of him, past present and future, no matter what. But this... this was hard, this was too much to cope with right now. After everything they had been through this was just too much.

He was still sitting there an hour later when the door opened and he didn’t look up. The footsteps were light and he thought it was a nurse but it wasn’t.

“What happened?”

Cal spun, his face twisting into a snarl. “What are YOU doing here? Don’t you get it? We don’t want you, none of us do, least of all Jayden. Just get out and stay out.”

Kelly stared at him for a moment, biting her lip, then she shook her head. “I’m sorry Cal, I can’t do that. I’m here for Jayden, not for you, and until he tells me to leave I’m not going anywhere. He needs all his friends now, and his family too. I want to make it better, to help him, to be here for him... and I’m sorry, I know how much he means to you and how much you mean to him but I don’t care what you think or what you want... I’m not going to leave him now, not ever again.”

“He doesn’t need this. He has enough to cope with.”

“On the contrary. He does need this... because of what he has to cope with. He needs us all Cal. Don’t be selfish with him.”

“Selfish? Me? That’s rich coming from you.”

“Maybe... but I am his sister after all.”

“Some sister.”

“Granted, but sister nevertheless, family. Jayden is going to need everyone Cal, not just you. I want to help him, I want to be here for him and I don’t intend to be forced out of his life, not by you, not by anyone. I would really like to be your friend but if that can’t be then so be it, I can only hope that you will come round to the idea in the end.”

“Don’t you understand? I have nothing against you personally Kelly. I understand it wasn’t easy for you, of course I do... I knew your parents, remember. But Jayden’s been hurt... you have no idea how much he has been hurt and I just don’t want him hurt any more.”

“When are you going to get the message that I am not trying to hurt him, I am trying to help him? Isn’t it you who are hurting him by trying to keep him away from his family Now that you’ve finally admitted how you feel about him are you so jealous and possessive that you can’t let anyone else love him too... or let him love anyone else?”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Are you sure Cal, are you really sure? You’ve always been a bit like that, keeping him to yourself, not wanting anyone else to be a part of him. You’ve loved it, being the one he turns to, the only one who could reach him... only you couldn’t. You couldn’t reach him could you?”

Cal stared at her and she could see that she had hit upon a truth. She smiled gently. “It’s alright Cal... that’s okay. No man is an island. You don’t have to take this on all by yourself. Jay’s hurt... he’s been hurt for a long time and you’ve had your turn trying to heal him... let me have mine.”

Stunned Cal shook his head. “You... you’ve been part of that Kelly. You were one of the ones who hurt him. You could have helped him then. You could have stood by him. You’ve had your chance. Leave him alone.”

“I’ve told you Cal... if he tells me to go I will. But I won’t abandon him again, not for you, not for anyone. I’m here and I’m staying until Jayden tells me to leave.”

“I’m not going to fight you Kelly. I don’t have the strength any more. I won’t fight but I won’t roll over and play dead either. If you hurt him... if you do one thing that hurts him... I swear I will tear you apart with my own hands.”

“Stop it Cal. Stop being so protective of him. You are making him weak. You are hurting him.”

“No... no I would... I would never hurt him.”

“But you are. You’re protecting him too much. You’re shutting him away from the world and from his pain and stopping him dealing with it.”

Cal stared at her. “You’ve no fucking idea how he’s dealing with it... or not. No fucking idea. You walk into his life after years of being less than nothing to him and you presume to know what’s best for him. You tell me that I am over protecting him, that I am being jealous with him... but you have no idea Kelly... no idea whatever. You are the one who should go away and leave him alone. He’s still ill... he’s not strong and he can’t cope with you.”

“I’m his sister, Cal.”

“And that makes it alright?”

“No... it doesn’t make it alright. Nothing I do or say can make it alright. I screwed up... but I was a child. I didn’t know any better. I did what I had to do to protect myself. I know that doesn’t make it right but I am going to do everything I possibly can to make up for it.”

“I can’t see anything, anything at all you could possibly do to make up for what you did, not with Jayden, not now... and I am scared that you are going to make it worse, that you are going to put more stress on Jay at a time when he really, really can’t take it.

“I know I can't do anything to stop you being here. I know that I can’t stop you being part of his life if that is what you want but I have a terrible feeling about it. You don’t know what he’s been through... what he is still going through. You don’t know the harm you could do.”

“And you don’t know what good I might do.”

“We’re never going to agree on this one.”

“Then let’s just stop trying and give Jayden the chance to make up his own mind. Or is that what you’re scared of?”

“What?”

“Are you scared that if things work out between us that he won’t need you any more, that he will turn to me and not you? Are you scared Cal? Are you jealous? Because if you are I swear you have no need to be. I won’t try and come between you...”

“Now I know you’re insane. There is no way that you would be able to come between us. I’m the one who’s been there for him all these years. I’m the one who’s sat up with him when he had nightmares, who held his hand when he when he was so drugged up he didn’t know where he was and helped him find his way back, who covered for him and spent hours talking to him. I’m not afraid of you.”

“Then stop being so defensive. I want you to be my friend.”

“We don’t always have what we want Kelly.”

“I thought you said you loved him Cal.”

“Don’t bring Jay into this.”

“But he is in it... he’s right in the middle of it. You say you love him and you don’t want him to be hurt any more. You say he can’t take any more stress yet you say you won’t make an effort with me... which is just going to cause him more stress. If you fight with me Cal you are going to hurt him. Can you live with that?”

Again Cal stared at her and then looked back to Jayden. He was so vulnerable, so... exposed. What could he do? Jay was going to get hurt no matter what, but he couldn’t let that be because of him.

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her than he would do his best, that he would try to get on with her for Jayden’s sake... but maybe she was right, maybe he was over protective because he couldn’t say it... he couldn’t bear the thought of this woman being in Jayden’s life again, not when he could remember how the girl she had been had hurt him.

Shaking his head Cal got to his feet and walked out. As he passed Kelly he looked down at her and shook his head.

“I don’t know if I can do that. Let’s see what Jayden has to say about it and take it from there.”

“That’s fair enough.”

Cal stared at her, searching her eyes. He saw an open expression, eyes that knew pain, anxiousness and fear. He twisted his lips and strode away.

When he had gone Kelly walked over to the bed and sat down. She stared at her brother, astonished once again by how little he had changed. He was still the boy who had sat across the table at breakfast and flicked bits of toast at her when no one was looking. He was still the boy who had tickled and teased her. He was still the boy who her father had beaten and abused in front of her eyes, who had spat in his face, even when he was doing it.

Reaching out she touched the pale cheek and bit her lip as tears slowly leaked out from under her lids and rolled down her cheek. On the outside he was still the same but she knew that inside he wasn’t, inside he was broken... just like she was.

Jayden stirred under her touch. Slowly his head turned and his eyes opened. Kelly snatched away her hand and her eyes went wide. For a long, long moment brother and sister stared at each other without a word passing.