Weeping Lily - 21. Chapter 21

“Jay? Are you okay?” Cal asked when he recovered his ability to think and to speak.

Jayden didn’t move or make a sound and Cal began to get worried.

“Jay, please speak to me, tell me you’re okay.”

Slowly Jayden raised his head and stared at Cal, his eyes stunned and wide. Even more slowly his lips lifted into a sweet, triumphant, smile.

“I did it.” He whispered before his eyes rolled and he passed out cold.

“Shit. Fuck. What the... Jayden? Jayden.”

With some difficulty he wriggled out from under Jayden and took him into his arms. He was limp and still. “Oh God. What have I done? Jayden? Jayden please be alright. What happened? What...?”

With a sigh Jayden turned his head and then his whole body, snuggling into Cal and murmuring something. Washed over with waves of intense relief that he had not somehow killed his lover... Wait. The relief brought something else in its wake. Jayden had just made love to him. Okay perhaps not in the complete sense of the word but more completely than he ever had before. They were lovers now, proper lovers. A goofy grin broke over his face before Jayden stirred again and brought him back to reality.

Holding Jayden tightly against him he eased the damp hair off his face as he slowly opened dazed eyes to stare up at him. A beautiful smile crept over not only his lips but his whole face. He raised a shaky hand to brush Cal’s cheek.

“You scared the hell out of me Jay.” He said. “It’s me that’s supposed to faint when you do that.”

“Did you?” Jayden asked, a little distantly and Cal shook his head.

“No. I was right with you all the way. Are you going to tell me what the hell happened?”

Jayden frowned as if puzzled by the question. He still seemed a little dazed. “I feel... I feel a bit weird. Can we just hold each other for a while?”

“What do you mean weird?”

“I don’t know, just weird. It feels... it feels... weird.”

“Weird good, or weird bad?”

“Cal...” He grinned, his eyes clearing. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“But...”

Taking things into his own hands Jayden pulled his head down and kissed him gently and then with more passion, until Cal relaxed and they settled into a more comfortable embrace that lasted for some time.

Feeling relaxed and confident Cal, who was now lying down with one leg hooked over Jayden’s released his hair, in which his hand had been tangled and began to unconsciously but tenderly caress his back. He barely noticed the moment’s hesitation as Jayden tensed slightly but then relaxed again, into the kiss.

Gradually his hand moved downwards, exploring the beautiful curve of his shoulders, over his back heading towards his hip. He was caught completely off guard and was totally stunned when Jayden explosively thrust him away from him spitting “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? What did I do? What...?”

For a moment Jayden looked furiously angry and then horrified and then he crumpled, turning away from Cal and curling on his side. Understandably, Cal was afraid to touch him.

“What’s the matter Jay?” He asked gently and carefully, stroking his hair and shoulder, tentatively at first and then more firmly and reassuringly when he was confident that it was safe.

For a long moment Jayden remained motionless, curled defensively then with a deep sigh he uncurled and rolled onto his back, looking up at Cal with dry eyes.

“Would you like to explain what just happened?”

“I’d like to. I don’t know if I can.”

Cal stroked his cheek and smiled gently. “I think I know, and I’m sorry. You did tell me Jay. I did know. It’s just... after what you did, and I was so scared when you passed out and so relieved. I got carried away. I won’t do it again. I promise I won’t do it again.”

Jayden gave him an uncertain smile. “I’m sorry Cal. I’m not ready. Not for that, not yet. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to... and I was so scared. I mean really scared, terrified, waiting for something to happen, something bad. But it didn’t. It was... beautiful. It was so wonderful to hear you moan, to know that I was making it happen, that I was making you happy. It was... it was too much. The fear and then the joy and then... It was just too much. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s alright babe. I understand.”

“I don’t think you do. I don’t think you can. It’s been so, so awful but...” The smile brightened. “For the first time it feels like... like things are going to be alright after all. I just need to take it slowly. I’m still scared Cal. There are still things that...” He closed his eyes and sighed before opening them again and giving Cal such an intense look it made him shiver. “Still things I need to work on. Will you be patient with me?”

“Of course I will. Whatever it takes, however long it takes. You have no idea how wonderful it is just to hold you, without anything else at all.”

“Thank you. I’ll try...”

Cal stopped him with a finger on his lips. “Don’t try to do anything Jay; just let it happen when it happens. You set the pace and I’ll follow you. I’d follow you anywhere.”

“Anywhere?”

“Absolutely anywhere.”

“Alright then,” He said playfully leaping over Cal and out of bed, “follow me into the shower; you stink.”

“Hey you...”

Jayden was already across the room and Cal couldn’t catch him before he bounded into the bathroom and slammed the door. When Cal tried to open the door it wouldn’t give.

“Open the door you shit. You were the one who said I needed a shower.”

“You can wait your turn.”

“Jayden, stop pissing about and let me in.”

“No.” As annoyed as he was Cal couldn’t help but smile at the playfulness in his voice, which had been missing for a long time.

“Let me in.” He hammered on the door and shouted. “Jayden you little shit. Open this door or I am going to kick it down.”

“What the heck is going on here?”

Eileen appeared at the top of the stairs, startling Cal who hadn’t heard her approach. Suddenly aware that he was naked Cal covered himself as best he could with his hands and blushed.

“Oh really Cal, it’s not as if I haven’t seen it before. I’ve put nappy cream on it often enough. What’s going on?”

Still blushing Cal said meekly. “Jayden’s locked himself in the bathroom and won’t let me in.”

“What happened? Is he alright?” Cal cringed at the sharp note of concern in her voice and the startled look in her eyes.

“Yes he... we were... we were just playing around.”

“Cal, if you were ‘just playing around’ why would Jayden lock himself in the bathroom? Something must have happened.”

The bathroom door cracked open and a sheepish Jayden peeped out. “I’m sorry Mrs E. We were messing about. I was just playing. I’m sorry.”

He looked so downcast that both Eileen and Cal stared at him for a moment and then burst into laughter.

“I think you two should hurry up and shower. It’s almost lunchtime. You’ve been in bed half the day, although not asleep I think.” She said with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Mam!” Cal gasped shocked and Jayden giggled before disappearing back inside the bathroom although this time he didn’t close the door.

He was already in the shower when Cal entered the bathroom and carefully locked the door behind him.

“If you think you’re safe in there you had better think again.” Jayden grinned at the mock sinister look in Cal’s eyes and pressed himself against the wall so there was room for Cal to squeeze in with him.

Jayden closed his eyes and raised his face to the water. Cal watched every droplet strike his skin and slide down over the curves of his face, catching in his eyelashes and hair, glistening like jewels but not coming close to rivalling the beauty they were adorning. Completely mesmerised by the purity of the relaxed and open Jayden, Cal couldn’t help himself and raised a hand to cup his cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb, wiping away the water. Jayden didn’t move he just smiled gently and when Cal lowered his head to kiss him he opened to him.

Cal was afraid to let himself go too far but it was hard, oh god was it hard, in more ways than one. Jayden seemed to be wholly unconscious of the fact that they were both totally naked and rubbing their bodies against each other, slick with the water that was still cascading over them... or was he?

What if he wanted it, if this was his way of showing Cal that he wanted it? What if he had changed his mind?

Jayden had his arms around Cal’s neck and was kissing him hard, breathing fast. There wasn’t much room in the shower and so of necessity they were pressed very close together. Cal could feel that the contact was exciting Jayden and Jayden must surely be aware of the fact that, despite his recent relief, his body was reacting in just the same way. It didn’t seem to be bothering him.

Cal was in an agony of indecision. He wanted to move on. He thought that Jaden wanted it, that he was giving him the signs that he wanted it but; what if...?

Finally, reluctantly, Cal broke away and smiled down at Jayden. “We’d better finish up and get dressed. My mother will be chasing us if we don’t.”

“Can we play again later?”

“Depends what you mean by ‘play’. Not sure you’re up to badminton, but a nice game of snakes and ladders would probably be safe.”

Jayden giggled and glanced at him coyly through lowered lashes. “Well, that might be a good idea if...” Holding Cal’s eyes in his coquettish glance he ran his hand down over his side and hip making him shudder. As he slipped his hand between them he touched his lips against Cal’s, “... I can play with this snake.”

Cal gasped as Jayden’s hand stroked him, then yelped as the hand withdrew and smacked him soundly on the arse before Jayden pushed him backwards, almost making him lose his balance and then leaped from the shower and made for the door. Cal recovered quickly and went after him, catching him before he was able to open the bathroom door. He pinned him against the wall kissing him while Jayden’s arms came around him again, his fingers digging in to the flesh on Cal’s hip.

“Stop. Cal stop I...”

Instantly Cal stepped back and looked at Jayden anxiously. “What did I do?”

“Nothing. You didn’t do anything. I... It’s not you and I know I acted like I wanted it... and I did... I did want it. I wanted you to... I needed you to but... but I can’t. I wanted... When you were pinning me against the wall, suddenly I wanted... I needed... I felt that I had to... I wanted you to...”

“Jay, calm down. What are you trying to say? I don’t understand. Look you never have to be scared with me. We’ll go exactly where you want to go, as far as you want to go. When you want me to stop I’ll stop and it won’t matter to me. You won’t hurt me by saying no Jay, I promise. And I will never, ever hurt you.”

Jayden looked up at him with lost eyes. “But... but that’s it Cal; that’s it. I... I wanted you to.”

Cal’s eyes went wide. “Jay I...”

“Don’t Cal. Please. Let’s just go and have lunch.”

“Jay...”

“Please Cal, don’t. It’s been... I’ve felt so... Don’t spoil it Cal. Don’t let me spoil it.”

Cal stroked the wet hair out of his face and stared into the beautiful eyes. “It’s alright Jay. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“I want lunch.” He said squirming away from Cal, opening the door and slipping out of it. Cal hesitated for a moment and then followed.

The playfulness had gone and Jayden was closed and cold again. Eileen gave Cal dark looks over the dining table but he shrugged. What else could he do; what else could he say? He had no more idea what had happened than Eileen did.

Over the days and weeks that followed, Jayden’s emotions swung unpredictably and everyone was concerned that they were about to spiral out of control again. The only one who didn’t seem to be worried was Helen who reassured them that the wild mood swings were part of the healing process and showed that Jayden was no longer internalising his issues. But it was hard for anyone else to see the improvement.

The only thing that improved was that Jayden continued to open to Cal sexually. Not only was he now happy to pleasure him but he was eager to explore and experiment. Indeed, it got to stage where Cal felt that the only time that Jayden was relaxed and being himself was when they were in bed.

Day by day Jayden’s love for Cal and his desire to express it in their lovemaking grew and, as his stamina increased he became more adventurous and creative.

The only fly in the ointment was that Jayden was still unable to allow himself to feel pleasure himself. He couldn’t bear Cal touching him during sex and he never allowed himself to reach orgasm, or even to aim for it. If Cal did slip up in the height of passion an reach for him he was invariably met by blazing anger or bitter distress, even when Jayden had sent clear messages that he wanted it, which he did often; sometimes unconsciously and sometimes deliberately.

Cal was left confused and concerned about Jayden’s blatantly evocative and inviting behaviour and his extreme reactions when his initiations were taken up on. Many time their lovemaking ended with Jayden sobbing regret and apology.

“I’m sorry Cal. I try. I really, really try and I’m not being deliberately cruel. I want to and I keep thinking I can, but then when you touch me all I want... I can't Cal. I keep thinking I’m getting past it and I can... but I can’t.”

Cal always reassured him, often holding him until he fell asleep and Cal could release the scalding tears that scoured his soul until dawn.

It gave Jayden extreme pleasure to be able to please his lover in a way that brought him ecstasy and to tears, to make him tremble uncontrollably under his hands, to moan and cry out in sheer release. However, even as he did it Jayden was scared by the fact that a good part of his pleasure came from control.

He was always tense and afraid that Cal would react in the heat of the moment and try to respond by reciprocating. He wanted it; he ached for it and there were times when he sought it, when he tried to give himself to the pleasure, to achieve the ecstasy he was only too pleased to bring to Cal.

There were times when, after bringing Cal to climax he let his body fall on top of him and rubbed himself against him, longing to feel his hands on his body. But if Cal responded the bile rose in his throat, he started to shake and vile images flooded his mind until he had to run or fight, both of which tore him apart.

At the same time as their sex life slowly developed the boys worked on their album relentlessly. As his physical strength grew Jayden pushed the limits over and over again. He never actually collapsed again but he came close on a number of occasions.

This time he would not listen to Cal or anyone else. He was driven, on fire; burning with the need to be himself somewhere, somehow; to shut out the emotions that were, once again threatening to engulf him.

As the weeks passed the album began to take shape and it was clear to everyone who heard them that Weeping Lily was the best they had ever been. The songs were inspired, the music was original and exciting, and the performance was professional, energetic and full of passion.

Jeff slowly eased the band back into the limelight. They released China Doll as a single in advance of the album release and the fans, as expected, devoured it. Far sooner than anyone else would have liked it, Jayden bullied Jeff into arranging a life performance. He was desperate to get up on stage again.

As a compromise Jeff arranged an appearance at a music festival. They were playing with other bands and so would only have to perform three songs, including China Doll, although they all knew if would end up being more than that.

He was nervous about organising the usual pre launch interviews. However, when he did arrange one or two easy test interviews he was shocked by the fact that Jayden absolutely shone.

It was as if he desperately needed to prove that he was back on top; to everyone and most of all to himself.