Weeping Lily - 9. Chapter 9

Over the next 24 hours Jayden slept. Occasionally he opened his eyes briefly, long enough to be sure that Cal was there... he always was.

The others took turns to sit with them but Cal was always there and he was rarely even aware of who was with him. Every one of them tried to drag him away... to eat... to sleep, but he wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t bear the thought that he might miss a moment, a step... most of all he was terrified that if he left Jayden would slip away before he could get back.

Every time Jayden stirred Cal was there, holding his hand, stroking his hair, soothing him. Every time he opened his eyes Cal was ready with a warm smile and encouraging words. He was exhausted, worn out mentally and physically, but Jayden’s smile made it all worth it.

Cal woke suddenly from a deep sleep. He was completely disoriented. It was dark and he was curled up in the armchair someone had brought into Jayden’s room. The blanket had slipped off him but it was anything but cold. With a sigh he adjusted his position and closed his eyes again.

“Cal?”

In an instant he was wide awake and on his feet. “I’m here.”

Jayden’s eyes glittered in the darkness, still spaced out but steady.

“I thought...”

“No. You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone.”

Jayden sighed deeply. “You... you’ve always been there.”

“And I always will be.”

“Why?”

Cal was completely taken aback and didn’t know what to say. It was one thing outpouring your true feelings to someone who was probably not even hearing what you said, another entirely to do it when they are looking at you in that... that... strange, intense way.

“Because you’re my friend.”

“Friend?”

“My best friend. Always.” He smiled, a shaky uncertain smile that he knew was hollow. This time Jayden didn’t return it.

“You... said. You said you... you...”

“What did I say?”

“You said... you said you love me.”

It felt like a dagger piercing his heart and for a moment he couldn’t speak. “You heard?”

Jayden nodded. His eyes flickered but he blinked them clear. “I heard everything. Do you?”

“Jayden I... it was...”

“Do you?”

“I...” Cal looked up into his eyes and was frozen, swept away by a wave of emotion that was so painful it felt like his heart was about to burst. He tried to speak but no words would come. There were plenty of them flying through his mind. Explanations, excuses... but in the end all he did was nod.

Jayden smiled. It was a beautiful smile and it just about broke Cal’s heart. He had to turn away, fighting tears.

“Cal.”

Jayden caught his hand, holding his wrist with a surprisingly strong grip. Reluctantly Cal turned back. He could see that Jayden was struggling to stay awake and the pain flowed away.

“Jay... it’s okay. It’s okay. I don’t expect... I don’t want... It’s okay.”

“Cal...”

“It doesn’t change anything. I’ll still be your friend. I don’t expect anything from you.”

“Cal...”

“I’m really sorry Jay. I don’t want things to be... to be... weird between us.”

“Cal, stop...”

Cal blinked away the tears and tried to smile. Jayden shook his head

“Listen.”

Cal nodded. “I’m... sorry. I... I’m listening.” His heard was pounding. He had never been so afraid. What had he done? What if Jayden couldn’t handle what he had told him? What if he was sickened by it? What if...? What if he had ruined everything?

“Cal I... I... I...” He swallowed, suddenly uncertain.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything. I know... I know you’re shocked. Maybe I should have said something sooner. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I’m not expecting anything from you... you should know that. I don’t... I know you’re not... Just don’t hate me... please...”

Jayden smiled a gentle, sweet smile. “Kiss me.”

“What?!!” Of all the things he had expected to hear Jayden say that must have been among the last. His eyes flew wide.

“Please.”

“I... are you sure?”

“No. But I... just... please... just kiss me.”

Hesitantly Cal leaned forwards. When he was close he buried his hand in Jayden’s hair and searched his eyes. They were glittering, shining with something more that sickness... more than drugs... something indefinable and suddenly he was terrified.

“Jayden... I...”

Before he could say another word Jayden raised his head and kissed him. It was the sweetest, most beautiful kiss he had ever experienced and he had many to compare with... no... no, that wasn’t true because nothing... nothing ever had even come close. Nothing compared with this. It was as if his whole being had filled with light and his heart swelled in his chest.

When he lifted his head there were tears in his eyes. He did not fail to notice the single tear that slid slowly from the corner of Jayden’s eye.

“Jayden... Jay... You can’t die now, you just can’t. You can't just give that to me then take it away.” Jayden smiled distantly his eyes heavy. “No. Listen to me. Don't go to sleep just yet. Listen to me. I love you. Do you hear me? Do you understand? I’ve always loved you. All the others were just... nothing. No one’s ever touched me, ever meant anything... because... because they weren’t you. It was always you, always. I didn’t know it, maybe I wouldn’t face it but it was always there.

“I threw myself at women because I felt... I wanted... I wanted to believe that... that what I felt for you was something else... and I did believe that, for a long time. You needed me and I needed to be there as your friend, your best friend, no complications. But it was always there, always... hidden, suppressed, hiding in the dark.

“Well... it’s not in the dark any more Jay; it's right out here in full light of the sun and it’s burning me. I love you... fucking love you and... and I’m in love with you... head over heels... the whole shebang. So you can’t leave me... you can’t.... can’t take that away from me. You can’t leave me... not now.”

“No.”

“Just.... no?”

“Yes.”

“You swear? You swear you won’t leave me, never, ever again?”

“I swear.”

Very carefully Cal took him in his arms. Jayden couldn’t manage to lift his arms to hold him back but his smile embraced him more warmly than his arms ever could have.

“I’ll never leave you either. Me and you against the world, forever.”

Jayden didn’t answer. He was asleep, a broad smile on his face. Gently, Cal laid him back on the pillows and moved away, staring at him with eyes full of wonder.

He was still there, still staring, still filled with wonder when the doctor checked in at seven in the morning. The nurse had come and gone in the night without disturbing him but the doctor put a hand on his shoulder and tried to convince him to teak a break.

“I’m not leaving him.”

“You know that your friends will keep him company. He won’t be alone.”

“I don’t care.”

“I’m worried about you Cal. You are going to make yourself ill if you don’t take some time out, get some rest.”

“I don’t care.”

“Your friends care. They are worried about you. Don’t you care about them?”

“Of course I do. What sort of thing is that to say to me? I care about my friends, and I know they care about me, but I care about Jayden more. I won’t let him wake up without me here.”

Shaking his head the doctor turned away and checked Jayden over. Then he began to set up a new IV.

“What are you doing?”

“Changing the medication we are giving him. In some ways he is responding well, in others not so well. I’m trying to stabilise him and also get him off the medications that make him so sleepy so he can wake up properly and we can better assess him.”

“Why haven’t you done that before?”

“Because he just hasn’t been well enough.”

“What does this mean?”

“It means that Jayden has been hovering on the brink of death since he came here. He’s been holding on by his fingertips and any one thing could have sent him over the edge at any time.

“He has literally been at the point of death more than once and I have been afraid that the slightest extra stress or pressure would send him over... would have been the end of him.”

“And now?”

“Now he has somehow, by some miracle, pulled himself back from the edge. Frankly, I have no idea why he is still alive. He should have died a hundred times over. But... he’s held on... to the point that we can now start to think about what might come after. Don’t get me wrong Cal, he’s still gravely ill but he’s moving in the right direction, slowly but still... he’s holding on. He has improved to a level where I no longer believe that any attempt to help him would invariably kill him.”

“So... is he getting better?”

“I wouldn’t go that far, at least not yet.”

“How far would you go?”

“Cal... one step at a time. Before we start talking about Jayden getting better we need to stop talking about him dying and I haven’t got to that stage yet. There are so many problems, so many battles, so many things that could go wrong at any time. I can’t give you any hope right now.”

“But he is better? Better than he was?”

“He’s dying more slowly.”

“Why do you have to be so pessimistic?”

“Because I don’t want to see you build up your hopes to be crushed. Jayden is a fighter, that much is clear. By anyone’s estimation he should be dead right now. He isn’t and he’s very slowly getting stronger and more stable but it is far too soon to be even cautiously optimistic. He could fall at any time and, if he does, there’s no coming back.”

“I understand.”

“I’m sorry Cal, I really am. As soon as the situation changes you will be the first to know.”

*******************

It was the longest day of his life. He watched Jayden with a lazer like intensity. Every twitch, every breath scared him. It was as if, quite suddenly the full realisation of exactly what it would mean to lose Jayden had imposed itself indelibly on the forefront of his mind so that it was all he could think about, the fear was overwhelming, all consuming.

In those hours he went through every emotion from pure joy to utter despair. He was barely aware of anyone else in the room. In all of his universe the only other person who existed was Jayden, and he was suddenly so precious, so beautiful, so fragile. He hated it when anyone else so much as looked at him, let alone touched him and he could barely contain himself when the doctor examined him, adjusting the equipment, moving his head and limbs, shining a light into his eyes, making his moan and clutch at Cal’s hand as though it was his only lifeline in a world of darkness and pain.

“Why do you have to hurt him?”

“I don’t mean to hurt him Cal. I am just making sure he’s adjusting to the new medication and isn’t reacting badly to anything. I need to make sure he remains stable.”

“And is he?”

“Cal...”

“I can’t help it. I can’t...”

“He’s holding his own, not falling back.”

“But not making progress either.”

“Cal... one step at a time. Why don’t you go and get something to eat?”

“No!”

“Cal, you’re not helping Jayden. You’re not helping anyone.”

“I won’t leave him.”

“He’s sleeping Cal, not unconscious, not in a coma, just sleeping. He is as stable as he has ever been. He’ll be alright for a few hours.”

“I need to be here.”

“You need to be strong. You need to be able to support him when he starts coming out of this. Trust me he is going to need you more than anyone has ever needed you. He is going to be in a lot of pain, a lot of emotional and physical pain... he will need you so you have to make sure you keep strong.”

“I am strong.”

“But you won’t be for long if you don’t eat, if you don’t sleep.”

“I’m alright.”

“Take some time Cal. Trust me. These feelings you are having... the fear... it will be easier if you take some time, regain some perspective.”

“I... How do you know?”

“I have seen it many times. You are getting close to physical and mental exhaustion. You will fail sooner or later. You will collapse and sleep for hours, maybe days. Before that you will start to feel paranoia, fear, overwhelming emotional stress. Take time Cal.”

“Alright. Okay. I’ll go to the cafe, have a meal and come back. If... if you are sure he won’t wake up when I’m gone.”

“I have no idea when Jayden will wake. He is asleep, nothing more. I would guess that he will sleep at least until late tonight, it will take a long time before the sedative drugs are out of his system, probably longer. You should rest.”

“I’ll take an hour.”

The doctor smiled. “Oh for the immortality of youth.” Then he turned away and Cal lost himself again in the beauty of Jayden’s face. He was curled on his side, his hair falling over his face and he looked like a child. Cal was swept away by a feeling of sweet tenderness that almost brought tears to his eyes.

“Jayden... I... I need to go for a while. I swear I won’t be long. You just rest. Sleep peacefully and I’ll be back soon.”

He brushed he hair out of his face and Jayden sighed and stirred in his sleep. It made Cal smile.

Cal had been in the canteen for about 45 minutes when Rik burst in, his face flushed.

“Cal... Cal come quick. It’s Jayden...”

Cal was on his feet in a second. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“He woke up and you weren’t there. He threw a fit.”

“What?” Cal was running and Rik called after him.

“Wait. Cal wait! I didn’t mean literally.”

Cal slowed, not stopping. “Then what did you mean?”

“He freaked out, was saying weird things about driving you away.”

“Fuck! I knew I shouldn’t have left him.”

“The doctor said you had better come quick or they are going to have to sedate him.”

He started running again.

He could hear Jayden’s voice as they approached the room, not what he was saying, only his tone, urgent, pleading.

Cal burst in, not slowing. There seemed to be people everywhere, and in the middle of it Jayden was struggling, trying to get up. The doctor was trying to reason with him but no one knew as well as Cal how pointless that was. He pushed past Jeff and the nurse to reach Jayden.

“Jayden... Jay, I’m here. Calm down... calm down... I’m here.”

“Cal... Cal I thought... I thought...”

“Well you thought wrong. Chill out... it doesn’t matter.”

Jayden allowed himself to be pressed back onto the pillows. The doctor tried to examine him but he ignored his questions, brushed away his hands impatiently. He was far more alert than Cal had yet seen him and very single minded.

“I thought I had scared you away. I thought I had pushed you too far, too fast. I... woke up and you weren’t there and I... I thought... I thought I had lost you.”

“Jay, I left you for half an hour. Everyone was hassling me, saying I was going to drive myself into the ground if I sat here a moment longer. I have been here all day and it was getting pretty boring watching you sleep.”

Jayden grinned and the fear disappeared, evaporating as though it had never been there.

“I’ll try to keep you more entertained.”

“Don’t worry. Watching you sleep is my most favourite boring occupation.”

Jayden sighed and visibly relaxed although his grip on Cal’s hand was vicelike. “I was so scared Cal. I thought you had gone. I can’t do this on my own.”

“You’re not on your own you idiot. You are surrounded by people who love you.”

“No I’m not Cal, not love... not... love.”

“People love you more than you think.”

“Maybe.”

“Just relax now. I’m here and I swear I won’t leave you again.”

“That’s not realistic Cal. It’s not fair on Jayden and it’s not fair on you.” They both turned to look at the doctor and he was struck by the similarity in their expression. “Jayden it’s not fair of you to expect Cal to be here every moment. If he is then he will exhaust himself and make himself ill. Is that what you want?”

Jayden frowned, his eyes wide, and turned to Cal. Cal shook his head and frowned at the doctor. “Don’t listen to him. I’m fine.”

Jayden’s look turned questioning and he reached out and touched Cal’s face. “You look pale. You’re eyes are dark. You are tired.”

“You should see how you look.”

“Don’t change the subject. I don’t care how I look. I care about you. I won’t make you ill Cal.”

“You’re not. Don’t listen to him.” He glanced up to glare at the doctor again, then his face softened as he turned back to the centre of his world. “I’m fine. I want to be here, with you. There is nowhere else I want to be.”

“I know. I can see it in your eyes. Now... I can see that. I’m not afraid any more Cal. I’ll never be afraid again. I wasn’t afraid of being alone, I have never been afraid of that... I was just... just scared you had gone forever.”

“Now why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. I was stupid. I know it. I won’t be stupid again. I’m happy now.”

“I’m glad, so glad. But I’m not leaving you.”

Jayden was suddenly very serious, very solemn. “Alright. You can stay for now, until I go to sleep. Then you have to go, then you have to go home and have a good sleep and come back in the morning.”

“No. I won’t leave the hospital. I’m not going home and that’s it.”

“Cal, I don’t want you to be ill because of me.”

“I won’t be.”

“You’re not superhuman Cal.”

“No... but...”

“Please. You have to take care of yourself.”

“I will. I will take very good care of myself, right here, with you.”

“I’m okay Cal. You don’t have to be afraid any more. I’m okay.”

“Yeah right.”

Jayden grinned, then sobered. “Don’t you trust me?”

“You know I do.”

“I promised didn’t I?”

“Yeah... I know but...”

“Trust me.”

“Always.”

“Very good, that’s sorted out,” said the doctor in a voice that was half amusement and half irritation. “Now will you please let me examine you?”

“No. I’m tired. Can’t you do it another time?”

The doctor smiled and shook his head. “Very well. I think I have a good enough picture for now.”

“Can everyone just go now?”

“It’s nice to know you’re pleased to see us Jay.”

“I’m always pleased to see you Rik, but I’m tired now and I want to talk to Cal.”

“Oh well, since you put it that way.”