Weeping Lily - 19. Chapter 19

Jayden slept all the way home in the car and then for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Cal would have checked on him every five minutes but his mother Eileen refused to allow Cal to wake him.

“But he won’t sleep tonight.”

“I doubt that Cal, but even so let him have his sleep out now when he needs it. He looks exhausted. He always looks exhausted these days.”

Cal sighed. “He is. He just keeps pushing himself and I don’t know what to do to make him stop.”

“Why are you trying to? You can’t make him stop, you never could; no one could. He lives and breathes the music Cal. To ask him to stop is like asking him to stop breathing.”

“I know, but I’m scared Mam. I’m scared he’ll cross the boundary and make himself ill again.”

“Then you will have to do what you can for him and deal with the consequences. You can’t force him Cal. It’s up to him whether he accepts your help and advice and you can’t beat yourself up about it if he doesn’t.”

“I know but...”

“Look Cal, don’t get me wrong. I know you love him and you want the best for him. We all want the best for the ones we love. We want to protect them, to hold them in our arms and stop the world from hurting them but... How do you think I felt when you went off to make a name for yourself in the big wide world; when you were in America and Japan and all those other places so far away? Don’t you think your father and I heart ached about going to Africa and not being here when you came back?

“We can’t hold on too tight Cal. There is a fine line between protection and suffocation. At the end of the day, it’s his life and he has to be allowed to live it. Don’t worry, it will work out.” Cal smiled wanly, unconvinced.

They were preparing to eat dinner when Jayden finally emerged, dressed only in a pair of track suit bottoms and a sleepy smile.

“What time is it?”

“Just gone eight.”

His eyes widened. “Hell. I slept for hours.”

“You needed it hun.”

He frowned. “So it seems.” He sighed. “All I seem to do is sleep lately.”

“You sleep because you need to sleep. Bodies need sleep to heal, and so do souls.”

He gave her a very piercing look, then sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I need a shower” he said quietly and then turned to go back up the stairs.

“Wait, are you hungry?”

“Not really.” He smiled wanly. “But I’ll get an earful off Cal if I don’t so I better had.”

“Too right.”

“What time are we going to the studio tomorrow?” He asked, stretching and yawning, making Cal’s heartbeat increase and forcing him to look away.

“We’re not.” He said flatly. “Don’t argue.” He added as Jayden opened his mouth to speak. “If you behave yourself tomorrow you can go the next day, but no singing.”

“Fuck you. Who made you my mother? Sorry Mrs E.” Jay spat, using the nickname they had settled on long ago when Jayden just couldn’t bring himself to call Eileen by her first name.

“I may not be your mother but I do care about you and surprisingly it tears the heart out of me when my boyfriend collapses in my arms.”

“Then don’t catch me.” He growled.

“Just like old times.” Eileen remarked smiling.

Both boys turned to glare at her and then glanced at each other sheepishly. All at once they both started to laugh.

“Okay. I promise I won’t go tomorrow and I’ll take better care of myself.”

“And I promise not to catch you if you pass out again.”

“You better.” Jayden gasped with mock horror.

“Well now that we’ve got that out of the way... Go upstairs and have a quick shower Jayden dear, we don’t want you putting us off our dinner. We’ll hold off for you.”

Jaden gave her an enquiring look and laughed at the sparkle in her eyes. He disappeared while Cal helped his mother lay the table.

“Is he right?”

“Right?”

“Am I protecting him too much?”

“You’ve always had a tendency for too much where Jayden is concerned.”

“So should I back off and let him do what he wants even if it hurts him?”

“Sometimes being hurt is what you need to move on.”

“You’re spending too much time with Helen.”

She smiled enigmatically and stirred the chilli.

Both boys were silent while they ate, lost in their own thoughts, and Eileen was content to let them be. She was pleased to note that Jayden’s eyes were sparkling again and had lost the dull, hopeless look they had worn for so long. Whatever Cal might think, getting back to the music had done Jayden good.

After dinner Jayden wandered out into the garden. It was cold and he still had no shirt on, but he didn’t care, he barely noticed.

Whatever he might have said and, God forbid, would ever admit to anyone else, he knew he wasn’t up to practicing with the band and he hated it. He hated the weakness and the limitations it imposed.

He sighed deeply, his mind wandering down different paths. As much as he railed against Cal he was happy about the way he was protecting and taking care of him. He more than loved the fiery, impulsive man. Most people were at least a little intimidated by Cal but not Jayden, never Jayden.

As fiery as Cal undoubtedly was he had met his match in Jayden. Although Jayden was physically smaller and generally quieter and more reserved than Cal, and although Cal had always been very protective of him, there had never been any question in either of their minds of Jayden actually needing to be protected... he didn’t. Time and again he had proven that he was more than capable of taking care of himself, and Cal too when his hot headedness got them both into trouble.

And now... now he did need that protection, and he hated it. He hated himself, he hated his weakness and in some twisted way he hated Cal too. To some degree the reason that he hated it was because he was taking so much from Cal and had nothing to give back. Truth be told he was afraid to.

Recently he had begun to feel calmer and more centred than he had in a very long time. The dreams had subsided, although they still came now and again, leaving him shivering in a bath of sweat. The empty pit inside was still empty but was no longer threatening to swallow him and his demons had been keeping their distance. He was still very much aware that they were there, lurking at the edges of his mind just waiting their change to overwhelm him again but for the moment they were just sitting in the shadows growling.

Helen had helped him a lot but he was still afraid that if he allowed himself to open up to Cal he would be opening himself to a lot more that he really didn’t want to have to face just yet. There was a whole area of his mind that he had locked up tight. It was filled with images of blood and sweat and pain. For him that’s all that sex had ever been about and he was afraid that if he allowed Cal to touch his body he wouldn’t be able to keep what was in his mind locked away any more.

But he wanted him so badly it was a constant ache in his guts and it was growing stronger every day. He didn’t know how much longer he could resist and it scared him. That’s why he was so ready to fight with Cal... because when he was fighting him he wasn’t wanting to...

“Penny for them.”

He jumped. “What?”

“Your thoughts... penny for your thoughts. You were miles away.”

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you cold out here with no shirt on?”

“I suppose.”

“Why don’t you come in out of the cold?”

“No. I want to look at the stars.”

“Then at least put something warm on.”

The anger flared again and he knew full well where it came from. He didn’t mean to hit out at Cal. He didn’t want to hit out at him. Cal clearly loved him and all he got from him was grief. He hated himself for that too.

“I thought we’d had this conversation Cal. You’re not my goddamned mother.”

“No, and I’m not your goddamned boyfriend either.” Cal stormed back, as ready as Jay to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. “If I was then you wouldn’t keep shutting me out like this. You won’t talk to me and you’re so touchy about everything I feel like I’m walking on eggshells whenever I’m around you. All I want is for you to get better, to get back to the way you were before but everything I do, every time I try to help, to keep you safe you throw it back in my face. I don’t know you any more Jay. I don’t know who you are or what you want. Most of all I don’t know where I stand with you.”

Jayden stared at him, frozen for a moment and then turned his head away.

“Jayden please...” Cal said in a choked voice. “Please let me in. I can’t bear it. It’s as if you’re inside a glass case. I can see you, I can hear you but I can’t touch you and you won’t touch me. I thought we were getting somewhere... just small steps but I thought...”

“Then you thought wrong.” Jayden snapped. “You think you can control my life, that you have all the answers and you’re always right. You tell me what to do, what to think, what to feel. You say you don’t know where you are with me... well here’s a newsflash... I don’t know where I am with me either.

“Yeah... I’m stuck in this glass case and I’m scared to death that one of these days the glass will smash and it will go straight through my heart. And if you don’t understand that metaphor then tough shit.

“Leave me alone Cal. Stop pushing me. Stop trying to control me. I can’t be what you want me to be. Leave me alone.”

He turned away and started to walk down the path.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

“Please Jay. You’ll catch your death out here. Please come back inside.”

“No. I can’t. Not now, not yet. I need... I need to be alone.”

“Okay. Come inside and I’ll go out.”

Jayden whirled. “Will you please STOP it? Stop protecting me. Stop looking after me. Stop taking care of me. I don’t need it and I don’t want it. I’m sick of you trying to control me. I don’t want to be controlled any more. I can’t... Don’t you understand what this is doing to me? Don’t you understand what YOU are doing to me? Just stop it. Just... stop looking after me.”

“Stop looking after you? Fuck Jay, if I won’t who will... not you.”

“No... not me.” He said softly and turned his back on Cal continuing to walk down the path.

“Please Jay, don’t walk away from me. I can’t bear it. You’ve been walking away from me ever since you’ve been home and I don’t know what to do any more. I’ve given you space but all it’s done is let you drift further away. I don’t know what you want from me.”

“Want...?” Jayden murmured, not turning. “I don’t know what I want.” And then he was gone, swallowed by the night.

Cal wanted to run after him, to grab him and hold him and MAKE him... make him what? He couldn’t make him love him. He couldn’t make him want him. He couldn’t make him do any of the things he so badly wanted. What was the point?

Slowly and sadly he walked back into the house.

“What’s wrong? Where’s Jayden?”

“I don’t know. He went somewhere.”

“What? In this weather, with no clothes on?”

“He has his trousers on Mam, he’s not naked, he isn't going to get arrested.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I tried to stop him.”

“You didn’t try very hard.” She reprimanded.

“No... not very hard, not hard enough.”

Covering the tears that were burning his eyes Cal said goodnight to his mother and headed for the stairs.

“Wait. Aren’t you going to look for him? Aren’t you at least going to wait for him to come back?”

“You know Jayden Mam. If he doesn’t want to be found he won’t be and god knows when he is going to come back.” Eileen was truly frightened by the defeated tone of her son’s voice.

“Cal...”

“I don’t know what to do Mam, not any more. I don’t know who he is any more.”

“He’s Jayden, Cal... the same as he always was, a lost little boy who desperately needs to be loved but is too afraid to let himself. He needs you. He needs you now, more than ever.” She ran her hand through her hair as Cal stared at her.

“Oh don’t you see Cal, don’t you SEE?”

“Obviously I don’t.” He said somewhat coldly, sick and tired of people telling him he didn’t understand.

“He’s scared Cal, scared of everything. He’s scared about what happened to him, scared of his weakness, scared that he is going to get ill again, scared that the nightmares will come back, scared that he can’t make it any more, scared that you will stop loving him, scared to let you love him in case it blows the lid off his pain again. He’s scared of everything. Most of all he’s scared of you and he’s scared of himself. He doesn’t know what to do, how to cope with it all.

“It’s been so fast. I know it hasn’t seemed like it but it has been. Jayden has been pushing himself ever since he was well enough to be able to do it. He’s been pushing so hard because he wants everything back to ‘normal’ again, so that he can pretend that it is ‘normal’, that none of it ever happened.”

“Has Helen been talking to you?”

“You know that she hasn’t. She would never break a confidence by telling me anything that goes on between them. But she has said that she’s worried about him. You have to help him Cal. You’re the only one who can.”

He looked at her, horrified. “But I can’t. I’ve tried the best I can. I’ve really tried Mam, but I don’t know what else to do.”

“What’s wrong with what you have been doing?”

“I don’t know... it just seems that whatever I do just drives him further away. I try to give him space, to make no demands on him and it’s damn hard, living here with him, seeing him every day. He just doesn’t know what it does to me when he walks in here with no shirt on and then walks out again and won’t even look at me.”

“Maybe he does.” She said softly.

“But that’s even worse. That means that he’s deliberately taunting me with something he isn’t prepared to give me.”

“Cal, listen to yourself. None of this is about Jayden, it’s all about you. You sound like a petulant child who’s throwing their toys out of the pram because someone won’t share. Jayden loves you, you know that he loves you... for god’s sake Cal it’s obvious from the way he looks at you.

“When he flirts with you he’s crying out to you, don’t you see that? He desperately wants to give you all the things he knows you want but he can’t. He’s too scared. And what do you do? Do you reassure him, tell him that you love him and that you understand the way he is feeling? Do you hold him in your arms and just let him be there? You don’t Cal. You’re so busy thinking about yourself, what you want and the best way to get it that you can’t see that pain you’re causing him.”

“I... I’m not...”

“Go and find him Cal. Find him and hold him in your arms until he stops fighting you and then tell him that you love him and that you are going to hold him in your arms every day of your lives until he stops being afraid. It doesn’t matter what he says, what he does... just tell him.”

“Do you think...?”

“I think that you had better go before something happens and you will regret not going for the rest of your life.”

“S...something happens...?”Cal stared at her, panic suddenly flooding him, mixed with guilt as the truth of her words came crashing down on him.

“Don’t just stand there Cal... go.”

He nodded and fled. He had no idea where to go, what to do, what to say, he just knew that he had to try and it all became clearer as he ran.

Jayden hadn’t gone far. Behind Cal’s house a river flowed along parallel with the street, running down towards the centre of town and beyond to the sea only twenty miles away.

Just around the corner from the house a little wooden bridge crossed the river leading to a footpath on the other side.

Truthfully it wasn’t much of a river, being only ankle deep at the best of times, and it wasn’t much of a bridge either. Four planks riveted together and occasionally treated with preserver, boasting a low wooden railing on either side.

Jayden was sitting on the bridge, straddling a wooden strut with his arms crossed on the rail supporting his head. His bare feet dangled, skimming the surface of the water. It was beginning to get dark and the quality of the light lent an eerie, unreal tone to the scene. What remained of the sun was glancing off the surface of the water and highlighting his pale skin.

He was absolutely motionless and didn’t move as Cal approached. He jumped, startled when Cal’s hand gently touched his shoulder and he turned his face away as he sat down next to him.

“Are you ok?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry.”

Before Jayden could say or do anything Cal put his arms around him and pulled him into an embrace.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Jayden struggled but Cal held on and Jayden’s position, with his feet through the bridge railings pretty much pinned him down and made it impossible for him to get away. When he realised this his struggles became more frantic but Cal held on.

“Fuck it Cal, what are you trying to do?” He snapped. “Let me go or I’ll hurt you.”

“There is nothing you can do to me that will hurt me Jay, not unless you leave me. I love you too much.” He spoke quietly but the words made Jayden freeze and Cal drew him deeper into the embrace.

“Please...” Jayden said weakly.

“It’s okay Jay, I’m here and you don’t have to be afraid any more.”

“I’m not...” he began, and then he started to shake and went limp in Cal’s arms. Cal held on. He just held on. In a few minutes Jayden put his arms around him and clung to him as he started to cry.

At first he wept silently but the tears soon built up to a flood accompanied by heart rending sobs that literally shook his body as if they were trying to tear him apart. Cal just held on.

The storm seemed to go on for a very long time. Jayden felt cold and part of the shaking was undoubtedly because of that cold. Cal still held on.

Gradually the sobbing eased and, apart from the occasional hiccup Jay went silent and still.

“I’m here. It’s okay Jayden, I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I won’t let anything hurt you ever again – not even me.”

Jayden raised his head and his eyes, glistening with tears, were the most beautiful eyes Cal had ever seen, set like jewels in the most beautiful face he had ever seen. They were the same eyes and the same face he had been seeing almost every day since they were 5 years old, but something indefinable had changed. Jayden had always been beautiful but then, in that moment, he was the most breathtaking thing in creation; the whole of Cal’s world.

“Promise?” He whispered, his voice still full of tears and a nameless, boundless fear.

“I promise.” Cal whispered and Jayden lowered his head to rest on his chest, nestling in to his strong embrace.

It was hard to say how or what, but something had changed, they both knew it and they were both scared by it, in very different ways.

After a while Cal began to think that he really ought to take Jayden indoors as the night had turned cold and he was shivering, but Jayden was making no move to get up.

Cal wondered briefly if he had fallen asleep but he was still holding him in a desperate embrace. He noticed that Jayden’s breathing had quickened and he was almost panting. He started to get really worried.

“Jay, are you okay? Maybe we should...”

As if his words had snapped the cord that bound him Jayden raised his head and pulled Cal roughly down into a fierce, passionate kiss.

Taken completely by surprise Cal tensed for a moment; scared, unsure. What should he do? He was afraid to scare Jayden again but when he realised that this time Jayden was not backing off he threw himself wholly into the experience.

In many ways this was their first kiss and it completely blew Cal away. If he had loved Jayden before, now he opened his heart to him completely and felt the love settle into his soul.

“Oh God Jay, I love you.” He moaned into the soft hair and held him close as he dropped light kisses onto his head.

Jayden took a deep breath. “Will you leave me alone for a while Cal? I’m okay but I need to think. I need to sort this out in my head.”

“Not unless you wear this.” He shucked off his shirt and jumper and, although he protested, and although they were too big, Jayden eventually agreed to put them on.

It was one of the hardest things Cal had ever done; to walk away, looking back at the forlorn figure on the bridge but he understood. To be honest he needed time to think himself.

“Well?” Elaine asked as soon as he stepped over the doorstep.

“I held him Mam. I held him just like you said and he fell apart. But I think... I think it’s going to be okay now.”

“Where is he?”

“Out by the bridge. He said he needs time to think.”

“At least I’m glad you had enough sense to give him something warm to wear.”

Cal smiled thinly. “I need to think Mam, will you call me when Jayden gets back.”

“Of course. Take care sweetheart. Try not to over think things, everything will happen as it’s meant to.”

Cal smiled and walked up to his room with dragging feet. He lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling. What the hell had happened? It was good right? Had he been selfish wanting Jayden? Had giving him space been the wrong thing to do? Had he given the impression that he didn’t care?

With a huge sigh he realised his mother had been right. He had acted selfishly. He’d had the best motives but he’d been selfish still. He had been focussed on himself , what he wanted and what would best achieve it and not what was best for Jayden. It was a fine line and he had crossed it.