Weeping Lily - 33. Chapter 33

This time Jayden was only in hospital for a few days. His rib, although painful was not broken and his arm was set and plastered the first night. The main thing that worried the doctors was the wound on his stomach and the danger of infection.

Once they were sure that the wound was healing cleanly and he had rested and recovered they let him go home with a course of antibiotics and strict instructions to take things easily for a few weeks.

The media storm over what had happened was still in full swing and the press had resurrected the whole story from the beginning. As much as he had fought against it the press had made it all about Jayden; although, after a lot of work by Jeff, a large chunk of the publicity belonged to Luc.

None of the boys coped very well with the situation and when Jayden was released from the hospital Jeff arranged for them all to be swept off to a secret location to rest, relax and effectively hide from the press and from the world.

For two days Jayden locked himself in his room. He came out rarely to make a meal or to wander the garden after dark. Initially the others, especially Cal, tried to talk to him, to get him to open up, afraid that he was retreating into the past again, but he only said that he needed to work things through in his own way and his own time. Eventually they left him alone.

On the third day the boys returned to London for Luc’s funeral. His parents had reluctantly decided that they did not want to bury him in the local churchyard as Luc’s heart was no longer there and the shocking events that had led to his death had taken place so close. So he was laid to rest in a small cemetery close to Cal and Jayden’s home, in the shade of an ancient oak tree.

The press were out in force but after pleas from the family and assistance from the police the service itself was private. It was a difficult time for them all and Cal, in particular coped badly especially when, after the service Luc’s parents thanked them for their place in Luc’s life and the friendship he had held so close to his heart.

“I... I’m so sorry,” he said, his defences crumbling. “I let him down. At the end... I let him down. We had a stupid fight. I... I threatened... I said that I was going to hit him and we... we... He died thinking I was angry with him, thinking that he failed us, thinking...”

“You don’t know what he was thinking, Cal,” his mother said gently, laying her hand on his shoulder. “Sometimes friends fall out. That doesn’t mean they’re not friends any more.

“I remember when you were children: you were always fighting about something or other and there were times when Luc swore he was through with you and never wanted to see you again; but you made up and were closer than every. Luc sometimes said that he didn’t know what he would do without you guys and he talked about you, Cal more than anyone else. He looked up to you. He used to say that you played off each other and trying to best you made him better.

“If it’s true... what you said about... about the end, then... then he died the way he lived... for his friends. He often said he would die for you and he... he was right. I don’t think he died with anything but love in his heart.”

“Thank you,” Cal whispered. He kissed her and then let Jayden lead him from the church, to the waiting car. There Jayden took Cal in his arms and they simply held each other until the rest of the boys joined them and then they drove straight back to their hideout. This time it was Cal who locked himself in his room.

Jayden wandered the gardens of the house, down to the river where he stood and listened to the whisper of the water and the trees for a while. Then he turned and looked at the house and a broad smile broke over his face.

Cal was lying in the dark, the curtains closed tightly across the window. The crying had stopped and he was spent. The words that Luc’s mother had spoken to him had bounced around in his head until he had finally given up trying to fight them. He knew she was right and finally mourned his friend and not his guilt and now he felt clean but dull and empty. And above all he felt lonely.

Over the last few days he had given up wondering where Jayden was or what was going on inside his head. He knew better than to try and press him on it but the fear of what it might be was weighing heavily on him.

When the door opened he was too tired and depressed to turn his head to look at whoever it was. “Go away,” he mumbled and was glad when the door closed without anyone saying anything to him. The darkness was comforting.

It took a moment for him to realise that whoever had opened the door had closed it with them on the inside.

“I said, go away. I’m not in the mood for talking. Yes, I’m okay but I need time.”

“No you don’t,” a voice said softly as someone sat on the bed next to him, “you need this.”

When Jayden’s lips met his there was no thought of sending him away. Something that had closed in his heart opened as his arms circled his lover and he kissed him back.

“Ow,” Jayden hissed, “careful of the ribs. They may not be broken but they hurt like hell.”

“Sorry,” Cal said anxiously. “I’m a selfish bastard. I was so lost in myself I forgot you’re hurt. Come and lie down. Just hold me.”

Cal couldn’t see the look on Jayden’s face as he moved over and made room for him to lie beside him. It felt good to have him in his arms again. It seemed like a long time since he’d done that.

“I missed you,” he whispered.

“I missed you too. I’ve missed you for a long time. It’s alright now, Cal. Everything’s going to be alright now.”

“Thank god it’s all over,” Cal breathed as he raised himself on one elbow to kiss Jayden softly.

“Not yet, but almost.”

There was something in his voice that concerned him. “Wait.” He hurried over to the window and pulled back the curtains so he could see Jayden’s face. It was smiling softly.

“That’s better.”

Climbing back onto the bed Cal smiled down at Jayden, noticing that despite the events of the last few days he was looking better than he had in a long time. “You’re looking good.”

“You’re not looking too bad yourself, although the red and puffy look doesn’t really suit you.”

Cal smiled and stroked his face gently. “You’re so beautiful Jay: I can’t imagine why I haven’t always known I love you.”

“It was worth waiting for.” He sounded breathless and Cal was suddenly concerned.

“Am I hurting you? You should rest, it’s been a hard day for you.”

Jayden smiled. “Yes, it has been a hard day but I really don’t need to rest, I need something altogether different.”

The look in his eyes left Cal in no doubt about what he meant. “Are you sure?” he asked softly and Jayden’s response was to slowly reach up and cover Cal’s hand with his own, keeping their eyes locked until the very last minute when he turned his head to kiss it.

“Are you up to it? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jayden looked up at him through lowered lashes. “Then be gentle with me,” he murmured, setting Cal’s heart racing.

Carefully Cal lowered his head to kiss Jayden, being careful not to exert pressure on his bad side. There wasn’t much he could do about his arm because that was pretty much out of commission although Jayden couldn’t help but raise it, wincing to encircle Cal.

“Are you sure you’re sure?”

He raised his head and Jayden looked at him seriously. “No, I’m not sure. I’m not sure at all, and I won't be until I try. I trust you Cal. I trust you absolutely and I know that if I need to stop you’ll stop. But I really, really need to try. I need to find out.”

Cal nodded. “I understand. I’ll take it slow and be gentle with you.”

Sinking into a kiss Cal pulled Jayden gently towards him so that he could slip his hand under his shirt and begin to stroke his back. He was relieved to find that there was not the slightest tension in the smooth muscles that moved under his hand.

Encouraged he deepened the kiss and Jayden responded eagerly, his breathing quickening. Cal’s caresses became less gentle and more desperate and that just seemed to excite Jaden even more.

After a point Jayden began to moan and only partly with pleasure. Cal gently pressed him back onto the bed and carefully undid the buttons on his shirt. By the time he had finished Jayden was trembling.

“Are you okay?” Cal asked yet again and Jayden grabbed him and pulled him down hard against him. He grunted with pain and Cal tried to sit up again but Jayden held on to him, kissing himdesperately.

Slowly and tenderly Cal ran his hands over the scars on Jayden’s chest and stomach. Although Jayden tensed he made no move to stop him and, if anything he responded even more eagerly.

With trembling hands Cal opened Jayden’s trousers and continued his caresses, making Jayden moan and raise his hips into Cal’s hand.

“I love you,” he whispered into Cal’s ear, “Show me how to be loved.”

And Cal did. Never had he made love so gently and with such tenderness and joy and never had he been so happy with the response.

When they were done and lying in each other’s arms in the warm early evening sun, Cal idly stroked Jayden’s abdomen with the tips of lazy fingers. Jayden shivered and moaned appreciatively.

“That was nice.”

“Nice? The most incredibly sweet and tender lovemaking I have ever engaged in and you say ‘nice’?”

“Well actually I was talking about the tickling but if you want to think that I meant the whole thing then go with it.”

“Noooo. Tell me it’s not so. Tell me it was more than nice.”

Jayden smiled and looked up at him with sleepy eyes and then the smile disappeared and he said seriously. “It was the most incredible experience I have ever had. I didn’t think that it would ever happen. I never imagined it could be like that. I didn’t think I would ever know what it felt like to have someone make love to me, to touch me with love, to let myself feel the pleasure without the pain.

“I could have had it if I’d wanted you know: the pain. I could have made myself hurt; made you hurt me without even knowing it.”

“Did you want it?” Cal asked equally seriously. “Was there a moment, just one moment when you wanted it?”

Jayden frowned. “I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a moment. There was more than one moment when I thought about it, when I thought I wanted it but... I think it was habit more than anything else. I love you more than you can imagine and to have you love me like that...

“I can’t tell you that everything is okay now. I can’t promise you that it’s all over and I won’t ever go back to the way I was. It’s too early: I just don’t know. But right now... right now I feel... more complete than I have ever been. I feel as if the past is finally in the past and I have a future that was never there for me before.

“I would never tell the boys but there have been times when I had to force myself to go on. It all seemed so empty, meaningless. It didn’t feel ‘real’.”

“Do you really think I didn’t know that, that I haven’t spent sleepless nights scared out of my mind about what was going to happen to you... to us?”

“I’m sorry Cal, I never meant for that to happen. I tried; I really did. I tried to be... to be whole and committed and happy and... normal. I threw myself into the songs, the work, the energy. And it did make me feel whole... for a while... sometimes. But it always went away and sometimes the guilt of being happy overwhelmed me and I had to punish myself, I had to hurt. I didn’t think I deserved...”

“Jayden...”

“I know. I know, Cal but... it wasn’t something that I rationalised, not then. It was a need, an itch that I had to scratch or go insane.”

“And is the itch satisfied now?”

“Almost.”

“What do you mean, almost?”

With a sexy smile Jayden slid his hand down over Cal’s chest and hard abs to curl around something else that was hard.

A few months later Weeping Lily were in the middle of a tour. It had been advertised as their ‘Come Back Tour’, although Jayden had argued that they couldn’t have ‘come back’ when they had never gone anywhere.

The new drummer that Jeff had found after much searching was fitting into the band like a hand in the glove, even more so because he never tried to fill the space that Luc had left and dealt sympathetically and patiently with the times when one or other of the group threw a hissy fit that he hadn’t played something, right... the way that Luc had.

Cal and Jayden had become closer than ever and, although there were still times when Jayden had to stop in the middle of their love making and turn his back to weep. Cal had learned to be patient and simply covered him with a blanket and spooned him, stroking his back until he turned and kissed him and fell asleep gently, with a smile on his face. Those times were growing less and less and tonight Cal was filled with golden sunshine when he watched the centre of his universe perform with an energy and vigour that had been absent for a very long time.

The last song came to an end and Cal was surprised when Jayden did not leave the stage as he usually did. Instead the held the mic and addressed an audience who fell silent as he waited, scanning them with his eyes.

“There’s something I want to share with you. It’s a song I wrote a few weeks ago and have been working on in secret ever since. I hope you bear with me as I haven’t sung A capella for a very long time. I really hope you like it. It’s dedicated to the one true love of my life.” He turned and flashed Cal a look that literally took his breath away.

Cal, along with the rest of the group watched in true awe as Jayden began to sing and a hush fell as every member of the audience hung on each and every word

***

Sometimes the beauty of the soul

Is hidden deep beneath

The layers of pain laid down by the experiencing of life

We seek blindly for joy, for love, for light

***

Sometimes we struggle with the darkness

That surrounds our soul

We begin to think it lies within and in our pain we seek pain

We attract lies and seek out the dark places

Where the dark people go.

***

But sometimes in the darkness there is a light

If only we open our eyes in our soul’s night

Sometimes an angel lies beside us in the darkness

His light casting shadows so deeply in our heart that other shadows flee

***

Laughing he teases out the darkness of the soul

And wakes it again to blazing light

***

Pain bursts upon you

Such pain as tests the imagination

And strains the soul beyond endurance

But the angel holds your heart

And in the morning of your soul

The pain is a memory

A memory of the dark before the dawn

***

My angel holds my heart

And owns my pain

My angel holds my hand

And is my soul

The words faded, the silence came and into it Jayden spoke softly, but it a softness that was heard by every person in the stadium.

“That was for Luc who died to keep the light alive; for my sisters who never found the light and for Cal who is my light. He is my angel.” He turned to Cal and held out his hand. With a blinding smile Cal stepped forward and stood beside him hand in hand with his guitar still around his neck.

Again there was silence... until it was swept away be the loudest roar and the thunder of applause then went on until they thought it would never stop