The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 49. Chapter 49

Thursday

- Sometimes you make mistakes that you can't ever take back. Sometimes...you do things that you know will forever change your life from that point forward. It'll change the way you live. It'll change the way people see you. It'll change the way you see yourself. And the only thing going through your mind is...

"What the hell am I gonna do NOW?"

I don't really know what else to do but shut myself up in my room and just...hide, you know? Force my own head in the dirt and hide from the whole damn world! I can't believe that I was so STUPID!!! Seriously...what the fuck am I going to do? There's no way out of this! This isn't going to just go away. Nobody's going to simply forget that it happened. I'm screwed! I'm SO, totally, screwed! I should just hide. Just hide for a long long time. Which is probably a good idea, since Jimmy is probably looking to put a sniper's bullet right through my heart the first chance he gets.

The day actually started out decent enough. Pretty good, actually. That's why I so confident that even I couldn't mess it up.

I got a phone call from Trace this morning. I was already getting my mental rolodex of excuses together just in case he had another one of his 'adventures' planned for today. The only scheme going on for me today was going to be getting my boyfriend to come over and give me some more, much needed, lovin'. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop sighing every time I heard my inner voice officially call him my 'boyfriend' again. Sighhhh...there it goes again. It's like having my balls covered in warm syrup, thinking about him this way. Hehehe...

Anyway, strangely enough, Trace didn't try to kidnap me this time. He's like, "Nah, I'm saving my next big event for when I can get Simon to come out with us again. That boy's gonna have a good time if I have to smash a handful of cocaine in his face! Hehehe!"

I'm like, "Simon's not that bad. Honestly, I think he stresses out when he's not stressing out. You're only gonna make it worse, dude."

He says, "Yeah, I know the little poindexter gets a personal thrill from agonizing over every little detail of what he's doing...and he's entitled to it, I suppose. I just worry about him sometimes, ya know?"

Surprised, I said, "Really, now? Trace the Great is worried about one of his best students?"

He said, "I am! He just pushes and pushes and pushes himself. Like, all the time. And way beyond his limits. Sometimes, I can see him burning himself out. There's an actual, physical, change in him. Nobody should have to live like that, ya know? Life should be fun. Or at least it should be a somewhat enjoyable experience. He did ALL of that writing, all of that studying, all of that hard work in school, trying to impress his teacher and make good greats and have them give him happy little notes for all the effort he put in. And now it's Summer. They took all of those tests and term papers and shit and tossed them right in the garbage along with everyone else's. What's life if you spend it constantly looking for approval from people who could probably care less, you know? It's a waste of time." Then he's like, "Now BOWLING? Bowling is never a waste a time!"

I'm like, "So, I remember. Quite fondly, I might add."

Trace snickered a bit at the memory...but after a brief pause, I heard a little nervousness in his voice when he asked me, "So...have you heard from your dad lately?"

There was something a little 'weird' in the way he said it. Almost as if he was embarrassed to ask. I said, "No. Not today, at least. How come?"

Trace was quick to say, "No reason. I just thought...well, it's been a few days since I heard from him, so...you know...just curious, I guess."

I said, "Well, they made the big move safe and sound. His new job is giving a week and a half to get things settled and he'll start working right away."

Trace mumbled, "Cool. Way cool. I'm glad your dad and Lynn are...doing well, and stuff." Then he adds, "Mikey really misses him. Heh...kids, right?"

Things began to feel a little awkward all of a sudden, and I tried to brighten up the mood by asking, "How are things with being back home? Must be cool to have your attic back again. And a comfy bed to sleep in that doesn't shove a long, metal, bar in your backside every night."

He said, "Yeah. Yeah, it's been pretty cool. My dad cooked dinner tonight. Like a full dinner. Veggies and everything."

I'm like, "Was it awesome?"

Trace cringed a bit. He says, "It was good enough for me and Mikey to clear a plate and make him feel good about giving it a try, I guess. Hehehe!" I laughed along with him, but he's like, "It's the strangest thing in the world, Billy...having him sober all the time. It's like living with a pod person or something. This is totally going to take some getting used to. I don't think he ever realized that there were so many hours in a single day before. I guess your concept of time is different when you spend half the day passed out drunk."

I don't really know Trace's dad all that well. I've probably met him twice the whole time that I've known Trace...and his dad didn't really interact with us all that much. But I hope Trace gives him a second chance. I mean, you've got to admit, the guy is really giving that whole parenting thing a champion effort this time around. Trace is just an awesome 'person', inside and out...and Mikey is following in his big brother's footsteps. I figure they must be getting it from somewhere, right? He made sure to tell him if my dad calls the house and gives me an update. I was like, "I can tell him to call you if you want..."

But he cut me off and abruptly said, "No no no...you don't have to tell him to call. I just think...I think Mikey wants to know he's alright. That's all. He did a lot for us, you know? Both of us. So...we'll never stop appreciating him, or thanking him for being....amazing." He sounded a bit sad about it, and Trace doesn't often sound sad about much of anything. So it was easy for me to notice. But I guess he said what he had to say and that was that. I think that, maybe, I'll sorta mention Trace the next time I hear from my dad. Whatever bond they built with each other over the last month or so of him being there...it must have been something that they truly cherished.

Am I still jealous? Eh...maybe a little bit. But I'll deal with it. You know...for Mikey's sake! Hehehe...

So...I called my boyfriend today. I had the day off from work and my mind was all dream-like and spin dizzy...I just wanted to be close to him again. I wanted to be able to reach out and touch him. Kiss him. Hold him close and listen to his heart beating by laying my head on his chest. It only took a few days of actually being intimate with one another to get me overwhelmingly addicted to him again. I can't believe that I had forgotten how powerful this feeling really was when we went through it the first time. Even now it's hard to breathe just writing about it. What is it about Brandon that puts him sooooo far ahead of every other boy that I've ever known? CUTE boys! Boys who are super low maintenance, and close by, and can be just as sexy as Brandon ever was if I just gave them a call and asked them to come over. Brandon still shines like a mint condition silver dollar in a mountain of pennies. I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to get it. Who cares? We're together again. A duo, willing to fight for balance on this wildly rocking ship...knowing that if one of us falls into the turbulent waters, we'll both fall in together. There's something really awe inspiring about that.

I've got my angel back. Yeah...I've got my angel back....

I was full of tension and worry when I first picked up my phone to call him. After Jimmy's explosive tantrum yesterday, I thought for sure that Brandon wouldn't want to talk to me for the next couple of days. I was embarrassed! And he left looking so defeated after walking me home. It's not like something like that was going to destroy our relationship or anything, but...I half expected Brandon to be slightly peeved that my previous exploits forced him to be a part of that situation.

Luckily...Brandon was much cooler about it than most boys would have been. Well...so I would assume from my limited experience, anyway.

He had barely said 'hello' before I got all emo on him and started up with the apologies. I'm like, "...And and and...I'm SO sorry that Jimmy said those totally hurtful things to you! I don't care WHAT he says, I never cheated on him! I talked to him and we broke up first. I was trying so hard to be happy with him, but I just wasn't, and he had these feelings for me, but it wasn't enough, and then you came back into the picture, and I remembered what it was like to really FEEL something for another person! I wish Jimmy never got hurt by this whole thing, but I wasn't TRYING to hurt him, Brandon! I swear! If anything, I was breaking my neck trying NOT to hurt him! Then again, I guess I never should have dated him in the first place. I know hat, and I'm SO sorry! I was stupid! So fucking STUPID!!! Brandon, if you can just find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise that I'll find a way to fix this! I PROMISE!"

I babbled on and on and on until Brandon had to stop me and tell me to hush before I ran out of breath. He's like, "Billy...it's ok. Honestly. I know that you didn't set that up, and I know what Jimmy's capable of now. So...I get it. It wasn't all your fault." I asked him if he really meant it, and he said, "I talked to Stevie. Unfortunately, I did it too late. I made mistakes too. One of the biggest was letting Jimmy LaPlane come between us with rumors and bullshit when I should have come to you directly to tell you what's in my heart. I shouldn't have listened to him. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, even after all the rough times we've been through together. And now I look back at all this wasted time. Time not being with you. Time not being in love. All for silly pride, I suppose." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was this happening? Are we entering into a relationship where we can 'talk'...and like, 'problem solve' and stuff? Holy shit, that's awesome! He really is the one for me, isn't he? Brandon's like, "I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to go another few months wishing that we could find a way to be perfect for one another. I don't WANT to be perfect. I just want you. I just want to love you for who you are, and have you do the same. K?

I sniffled, like, "I don't wanna waste any time either. I miss you, Brandon. I swear, I can't live another day without knowing you're out there somewhere...keeping me close to your heart."

He said, "Good. Because I'm coming over. You said I could, remember? Don't punk out on me."

It made me giggle, but the laughter shook a few stray tears loose and I had to wipe my nose with a nearby tissue, trying hard to keep Brandon from hearing it over the phone. I said, "Yeah. Of course you can come over. I uhh...hehehe...I can't wait."

He asked, "Wait...Billy, are you crying?"

Blushing furiously, I didn't lie. I was like, "You have to warn me before saying all that stuff to me. It's so not fair." I blew my nose, and with a sizeable lump in my throat, I whimpered, "I love you sooooo much, Brandon. SO much! You have no idea, k? MWAH! God, you're totally making an emotional mess of me right now. Heh..."

Brandon just said, "I love you too, Billy Chase. I'll be over soon. Alright? Don't tire yourself out until I get there."

I sobbed a brief 'ok' and hung up before I found myself breaking down completely. More tears crawled down my cheeks, and I wiped them away as fast as I could, trying to get myself to look presentable before my sweetheart got there. Ugh...what's WRONG with me? I'm such a baby sometimes. I just...I love that boy so much. I wish I could tell the world how much he means to me. It would have all of us weeping for joy.

Seeing him today...it really let me know just how deeply in love I was with him. This was a whole new level for me. Because I messed up. I truly messed up. Not just with Jimmy, but with Bobby and with AJ and just...I was messed up in general. But you know what? He didn't care. It was ok. He loved me anyway. My God...I didn't think that would be such a huge deal for me, but...when you give your heart to someone, as it...and they tell you that it's good enough? That they wouldn't change a thing? It sorta knocks you off of your feet. At least it does for me. Because I don't think I've ever really experienced something like that before. Not on this level. When he showed up at my door, I almost started crying all over again.

He's the prettiest boy in school...and he loves me! Can you believe it? ME!

He stepped into the house, and instead of a big kiss on the lips...I just hugged him around the neck and held him for a few moments. I never wanted to let him go. Not ever again.

He's like, "Hehehe, are you ok? What's the matter, hon? You act like I was leaving tomorrow for good." His arms crossed over the small of my back, pulling me even deeper into his embrace. Then he leaned his head back to look me in the eye and make sure that I really was ok. He's like, "What's with the sad face?"

I giggled a bit, wiping my eyes with a sniffle. I said, "I'm just happy to see you, I guess. Really happy. Heh...sorry..."

He said, "Well, don't oversell it, or you'll make me think that you weren't happy to see me the last 300 times I came over here." He gave me the cutest little kiss on the lips. Short, but sweet. And he says to me, "You're not still worried about that business with Jimmy are you?" I said I wasn't, but I don't think he believed me. My emotions were kinda going wild on me at the moment. He looked into my eyes and said, "Billy...I trust you. I know that Jimmy is hurting and that...that sucks, you know? But you told me about you two ahead of time, and you were honest with both of us. That couldn't have been easy. I want you to know that I want us to work out more than you can imagine. And if that means letting my guard down a little bit to believe in my boyfriend...then so be it. Maybe you and I can do it right this time, huh?"

There was a thought lingering in the back of my mind that told me to tell him. I mean, he's right. I came clean about...well...most of my dirty doings since we've been apart. But not all. He was trusting me this time. I was trying, but...I should be trying harder. He'd forgiven me for so much so far. A little more info hardly seemed like that much of a leap. But when he kissed me deeply on the lips...holding me tenderly in his arms while I melted from the contact...I found myself too lost to concentrate on the idea. At least, that's what I told myself in order to selfishly take advantage of the moment, anyway.

Brandon could be really bashful about lightly 'guiding' me to the bedroom. His fingers gently tugged at mine as he stepped backward. Our lips disconnected, and he gave me the warmest smile. The kind that nearly bakes your heart right there in your chest. Those long lashes gave me an affectionate blink or two, and as his gentle grasp gave me a slightly more determined pull in the right direction...I swooned with glee, and calmly allowed him to take me.

Brandon's skin seems to get even smoother every time I undress him. The backs of my fingers touch his sides and chest as I help him pull his shirt up and over his head. We giggle quietly at one another as the shirt comes off and his hair comes flopping back down in a playfully crafted mess. Hehehe, he's so damn cute! I can't keep away from him. I pull my shirt off in a rush and toss it to whatever corner of the room I tossed it in. Who cares? I'll find it later. Then, I embrace him...skin to skin...

He's so warm. It's almost like his body purposely pushes itself to radiate extra heat. The tickle of his erect nipples rub just me just above my own. He's the perfect height. A little taller than me. I like that. I've always liked that.

Our kissing becomes more passionate, our breathing more intense. As Our hands wander down from our hips, over the small of each other's backs, and down to grip the firm cheeks behind us...our need to lose the rest of our clothes becomes apparent.

This is no problem.

We move in sync with one another. Nothing has ever felt so natural. I'm amused by the fact that I can clearly remember how to work the clasp on Brandon's belt. I easily pull it open without having to look. We go through the tedious labor of buttons and zippers, and we let them drop to the floor...stepping out of them one leg at a time. Brandon always did love his boxers briefs. I take a moment to appreciate the material as I knead the soft mounds they claim to protect. I love the way the thin material 'slides' over his skin. I love the way the pulsing bulge in front pokes me in the abdomen...angled straight up and to the left. I break our tongue kiss and begin sucking on the side of Brandon's neck, my hands now working their way under the elastic band of his briefs and feeling the erotically smooth surface of the fleshy globes beneath.

My circling hand motions practically shimmy the underwear down to his thighs as Brandon moans from my tender nuzzling in the side of his neck. I feel Brandon's hand on the back of my neck, holding me to him. And I give him a little bite to make him squirm with a giggle. Then I feel him wiggle his hips a bit to get his boxer briefs to slide down those long legs and silently hit the floor. I don't want to break away from the heat of his neck, but I do so just long enough to yank my undies down as well, and pull Brandon over to the bed.

It was love taken to a level where words and gestures weren't enough. Kissing and hugging wasn't enough either. There was a powerful yearning that pushed us into something personal. Private. Something meant to be expressed and received by us alone. This is the 'craving' I always needed. To feel that for somebody else is incredible, but...tho have them feel it for you at the same time, in the same space...it's a narcotic that no human mind could comprehend. Not without being there. Not without experiencing it first hand.

We kiss so passionately that it is almost as if we need to siphon oxygen from each other's lungs to survive. Our naked bodies roll over and over, so lost in emotion that we have to mind the edge of the bed, lest we fall right over the edge. Heh...then again, the way I felt at that moment, we probably would have just kept floating. I feel the warm, but rapidly cooling, traces of sticky seed as it leaks from his tip. We tangle our arms and legs together in a chaotic wrestling match...wave after wave of pleasure making me light headed from its comfortable buzz. I swear, I can't pull him close enough to me! My arms aren't strong enough. We're SO close to being 'one'...and yet, it felt like we still couldn't reach that higher level. That bonus round. Extremely hot sex...we'll just have to settle for it. At least for now.

Unable to fight my urges any longer, I lay Brandon on his back, and I scoot down on the bed to slowly accept him into the warm confines of my mouth. The sugary tang of his smeared tip gives me a flavor that I fall in love with, and I begin to suck hungrily at him with hopes of getting more. Brandon lays back, frog legged, knees slightly raised, with his hand resting lightly on my bare shoulder as I suck and stroke him with all the emotion I can muster. My boyfriend. My angel. My future...

Brandon's panting becomes erratic after a few moments. My fingers play with his balls at first. Then the flat area beneath them. And then...I begin to tease the tight little rosebud beneath.

The opening gives off a courageous heat of its own, the cheeks...moist with a gentle dew of boyish perspiration. Brandon's body begins to wiggle and wind from the additional sensation. It's almost too much for him to handle, but his hips swiveling away from my curiously probing finger only pushes him deeper into the suction of my nearly drooling mouth. He can't escape the feelings that he's having now. And honestly...neither can I.

I try to push my way in, but the small amount of moisture isn't enough to get past his resistance. So I pull off for a second, and suck my finger into my lips...getting it as soaking wet as I possibly can with my own saliva. Then I try again.

A bit of pressure.

A determined, but gentle push.

A sudden gasp.

Then, like magic, his body lets down its defenses, and it lets me in.

Brandon's eyes fly open. For a moment, I think I may have pushed too hard, or two fast. His lack of complaint tells me that I didn't. Instead, his knees raise up higher, his legs spread further apart. He controls his breathing as I tenderly kiss the warm insides of his thighs all over. I bathe his balls with my tongue, and I can feel the tight hole relax around my middle finger. And as I begin to move it in and out with a rhythm that caused my sweetie to respond with hip gyrations and high pitched whimpers that made sucking his length even better than before. God, the very taste of him was intoxicating, his bodily fragrance flooded with fevered pheromones...making me high from the naughty acts taking place. Fingering him deeply...swallowing more of his early offerings as I teased his most sensitive spot.

Then, and Brandon finds an even deeper craving for our sexual connection, he pulls me off of him to kiss my lips and pull me on top of him. He wanted it, I wanted it, and it ironic that Jimmy was the one who taught me to keep lube handy. I did keep some of his small packets, but figured that I was just use them to jack off when I had the house to myself. I'd definitely consider this a much better plan.

I reach for it, and I get on my knees between his long legs to prepare us both. Our eyes meet, but Brandon gives me the cutest smile before looking away. Hehehe, all of this sex and nudity...and this is the part he's most shy about. That's adorable.

I'm so hard that I'm worried I'm going to explode just coating my erection with the stuff. I mean, it's all slippery and weird...but it feels so good! If I cum too fast, we'll just have to do it again, then, won't we? Hehehe!

I have fun watching Brandon's face as I press my head to his heated entrance. I try not to look at it, because it doesn't look like it should fit at all. But as I steadily charge forward, Brandon's legs go up in the air, trying to get the angle right. Giving himself to me in the most intimate way. I can feel his hands sliding up and down my sides, soon gripping my ass cheeks and trying to slowly guide me further inside.

Just the head goes at first. I can almost feel the stretch as the tight hole grips me and prevents me from going any further until it's ready. We both wait...and take deep breaths as we try to make this work. Looking down at him, my heart beats at twice it's normal speed. So beautiful. I can't STAND how beautiful he is! I lean down to kiss those ruby lips and we forget all about the big task at hand while our tongues mingle and we're re-introduced to the purity of young love all over again.

Muscles relax. Breathing returns to normal. And before long, I'm gradually sliding my length into the churning anal walls of my favorite boy. His whole body is alive. I can feel his pulse. I can feel every breath he takes. When I kiss him, his insides give me an appreciative squeeze. My shaft throbs, swells, and jumps inside of him to return the love note. As Brandon and I smile at one another, the ritual begins. The first withdrawal makes my legs week. So god. God, his body feels so right. Pushing back into the warm, wet, tunnel feels even better than that first penetration. The second withdrawal feels even better than the one I experienced only seconds ago. Every sensation leapfrogs into new territory for me. Maybe for both of us. And as the good feelings take over and my body begins to lovingly thrust into him according to its own pace and need for relief...Brandon holds me tight. The tiniest little wrinkle in his brow as a few twinges of sexual 'ache' course through him, outweighed by the intense feelings of euphoric bliss that keeps him from telling me to stop. In fact, it only makes him want more. He clutches to my backside and fill the room with the grunts and whines of passion. Two boys who have nothing but love to give one another.

What else is needed?

While my feelings for Brandon are endless, my sexual stamina isn't. I begin to push harder into him. My whole body starts to tighten up, and I nearly see literal stars as my balls draw up tight beneath me. My tip gets sensitive before the first pulses begin. The shaft expands, and Brandon clasps down on me as the involuntary spasms shoot through me. I cry out, breathlessly, emptying what feels like a MASSIVE load inside of him! Oh, dear God...I was afraid that I'd never stop! Brandon would kiss my cheek or suck on my ear lobe, his legs caressing me so beautifully. But I was TOO sensitive! I was like, "Wait...don't move. K?"

He's like, "What?"

I had to catch my breath. Seriously, I was going to pass out if I didn't. I said, "Just...gimmee a minute. I'm...I'm just...wow. Jesus, Brandon. Oh my GOD, I love you so much! Ahhh! I just...wait, I need...I need to just lay here for a sec..."

Giggling, Brandon's like, "I love you too. Hehehe!" Then he kisses me on the cheek while I'm trying to rest, and I feel myself 'jump' inside of him again. I think I leaked out even more when he did that.

I'm like, "NO! No kisses! No touches! Don't...don't say anything cute, ok?" Brandon laughed at me, and I felt him clench up around me as he smiled in my face. I'm like, "AHHH!!!! No no no! Hehehe, quit it!" I had to pull out of his tightness for fear that I'd die right there in that bed if he kept playing around like that.

I rolled over to the side, and Brandon and I stared at the ceiling light for a few minutes. You know it's real love when you can just...share a few moments of silence together. You know?

Brandon and I laid in that bed talking and giggling about...whatever...that I totally forgot that we were supposed to be having SEX today! Hehehe, it's TRUE! We sorta forget that we're romantically involved every now and then. Being the best of friends just comes too easy to us sometimes. I didn't want the day to go to waste. Besides, I owed him one HELL of an orgasm!

I remember sucking him for all I was worth. I remember him writhing around like a little boy with a stomach ache when I really got into it. Hehehe! I fingered him again, much more vigorously this time. But it was easier because I had slickened him up with such a shameless torrent of semen that my finger was able to enter him without any problem at all. Or...maybe it was because we had sex, and he his elasticity hadn't snapped back into shape. I don't really know how this sex thing works yet. I mean, I DO...but I don't. Does that make sense? Ugh!

Brandon erupted like a volcano. I could hear his toes 'popping' when he scrunched them up and straightened his legs out. His shaft was squirting really hard, you know? The hot liquid was forced out of him like a mini fire hose...and I swallowed every sensual drop of it! Liquid CANDY! There's nothing like making your chosen partner shiver and tremble with release. Nothing at all.

The thing is...we didn't stop there. Maybe it was an overindulgence in what we had. Maybe we were having some weird kind of 'binge sex', since it had been so long since we've been together like this. I don't know. But we couldn't keep our hands off of each other! Even after an ejaculation of epic proportions...we would kiss and lick and stroke and suck and roll around until the very feel of our bodies writhing together like that got us all hot and excited again! And another erection meant more sex! And MORE sex! Hehehe...and MORE sex!

I really did enjoy Brandon's body for all it was worth. But we should have stopped. We could have had fun today and left it at that...but we didn't. Our cravings were much to strong to let go. And too much of a good thing can be...you know...dangerous.

See...Brandon and I got to be so bold about being together again, we went into the living room to watch TV. All that sex makes you SO thirsty sometimes, you know? And we made a few sandwiches and drank some soda and stuff. Hehehe, it was the most comfortable thing in the world.

Then some commercial came on TV, and I was like, "That kid looks like Jamie Cross, doesn't he? Hehehe! I mean, a little younger and not as hot, but..."

Brandon, like...hit me! Hahaha! He says, "You know, when we get back to school, I'm SO not gonna let you talk to Jamie Cross anymore! Hehehe, I'm not liking this obsession you've got going on with him."

I said, "You know I'll never love anybody more than I love you. From the bottom of my heart, I am head over heels for you. Not even Jamie Cross is gonna get the time of day from now on."

He's like, "Doesn't matter. He's a threat to my emotional investment. So he has to die now. Hehehe!" Then, his eyes met mine, and I noticed him getting hard again. Which instantly made ME hard again. Seeing Brandon sitting next to me on the couch, naked as the day he was born, and aroused, no less....UGH!!! How many times did we have sex today? I don't know. Like I said, we were on a marathon mission today! So, even though I was just a tiny bit sore...I couldn't help but to lean over and take my baby's stiff member in my mouth all over again. Right there on the living room couch.

Before I knew it, Brandon was rubbing and touching me all over, and we had to slide down to the floor so he could swivel around and take me into his mouth as well. I straddled his cute cute CUTE face...and let him suck me off while I did the same to him...my fingers playing with his hole again.

I'm thinking, 'stay hard, Billy! And you can slide right into him all over again.'

And then....

My entire life went wrong. :(

Keys.

It was the first thing that I heard from the other side of the front door.

It wasn't supposed to happen.

She wasn't supposed to find out like this.

Everything was instantly ruined.

The front door opened. Quite unexpectedly. I thought she'd be at work. We were supposed to have the entire DAY together! Alone. Away from...the rest of the world. You know? There was no hiding it. No denying it. When my mom walked into the house by surprise, Brandon and I were completely naked...sucking each other off in a 69 position. We had left our clothes in my bedroom. o even though we IMMEDIATELY panicked and jumped off of one another, instantly scrambling to look for something to cover ourselves up with...it wasn't going to do us any good. There were no excuses to give. No more barriers to hide behind. We were caught red handed and that's all there was to it.

My mom walked in, hearing the living room TV on, and she's like, "Billy...I brought us some lunch if you want to..." And she froze. She TOTALLY froze!!!!

Brandon hopped up from the floor and grabbed one of the cushions on the sofa to hide himself from my mom's SUPER wide eyes! Me? I looked around the room but I had NOTHING to cover up with! Like...nothing! I just covered my genitals up with my hands at first, and thankfully, Brandon handed me a pillow too! AHHHHHH!!!!! Why the fuck is she here??? Why did she come home early! HOURS early!!!

It's not like my mom didn't know what we were doing! I literally had Brandon's penis in my mouth when she said hello! LITERALLY! We were both naked. Both of us! Me and another BOY!!! Oh God! Oh dear God!

Brandon got the impulse to run back to my room, mumbling a quick, "Sorry..." as he scurried past her. My mom covered her eyes and turned away from us. Frightened? Embarrassed? Angry? Hurt? I don't KNOW!!! I was too scared to fucking MOVE at the time! I just...I took a cue from Brandon and decided to swiftly run past her and go back to my bedroom.

She called out my name, and I whined, "WHY are you home??? You were supposed to be gone all DAY!!!" I don't know why I said it. Did I really expect her to feel guilty about coming home from work while I was having a sex romp with another boy?

What did I do??? What the fuck does this mean NOW???

Brandon was so fast in getting dressed that I was starting to think that he HATED me! He was so scared that he had tears in his eyes! Real tears! I tried to talk to him, but the tears and sniffles only got worse, and it was clear that his main priority was getting dressed again.

I felt so handcuffed to the utter horror of the situation! Noooooo, don't leave, Brandon! I didn't mean for this to happen! I SWEAR! Ok? I promise! God, I saw him cry! We were both crying so bad!

I was apologizing and apologizing...my mom still in the other room, trying to comprehend what she had just seen and hoping to catch her breath. Brandon was just like, "Oh God....she knows. I shouldn't have done that! We should have stopped an hour ago! Please don't let her tell my DAD! Oh God, don't let her tell anybody!" He was tying his shoes, but he was having difficulty because his hands were shaking so badly. He said, "I have to go. I need to...I need to go..."

I pleaded with him to understand, but he kept saying it wasn't my fault. He kept telling me that it was ok. But it WASN'T ok! Because my MOM just caught us having sex, and now he's running away! For all I know, he may never SPEAK to me again!

Brandon didn't say another word to my mom. He just gathered his stuff and raced out of the house before she could comment on the tragedy she was just forced to bare witness to! This could potentially ruin EVERYTHING!!!

EVERYTHING!!!

I was SCARED! But I was also angry! Why did my mom have to come home early??? What the FUCK???

I'm so screwed! I don't know what to DO!!! I haven't talked to her! At all! I'm so terrified of what might happen right now!

Yeah, so I've been hiding in my room ever since, tonight. I haven't heard from Brandon. I wrote him a few messages, but he was so humiliated when he left, his lack of response isn't really all that surprising.

PLEASE talk to me, sweetie! PLEASE? What we shared today was something really special! And I know that I fucked up somehow, but...she got the jump on me too! I didn't know that was gonna happen!

I think I know how Jimmy felt now. I think I get it.

You find perfection in your life...the ONE boy in all of existence that makes it all ok...and then something goes wrong and you realize that you may NEVER be able to have him be a part of your life. Not ever. The pain of the approaching absence is more than you can bear. More than you can fathom as a romantic who knows what he wants. Who's been SHOWN that the perfect boy is out there...waiting for me. What if I fucked up my ONE chance to get it back again? What if I finally fucked it up for GOOD this time???

How much can I expect Brandon to take before he realizes it's just not worth it anymore? :(

I need to get away from things for a while. Everything was going so WELL! Now I'm holed up in my room with the door locked, ignoring my mom's teary eyed requests to talk to me.

She keeps knocking at my door...telling me she's not mad. Telling me to come outside. I'm actually STARVING right now, but if eating dinner means having to talk to her about being caught with another boy's DICK in my mouth...then I'd rather starve!

Stupid!

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!

Oh God...I can hear her moving around in the house. I have to wait until she goes to sleep before I sneak out to the fridge and get something to eat. How am I supposed to talk to her about this? HOW???

My life is over. The life I had before today...it's totally over.

The worst part is...I don't know if Brandon is willing to be a part of the life that starts from this moment forward. Because if I lost my angel...AND my mom...I just...I don't know what I'd do with myself.

Anyway, I'm trapped behind a locked door tonight. And I'm gonna stop writing, because I don't want this to be the way I end this journal. With me afraid and alone. I might write tomorrow, I might not. I guess only time will tell, right?

I'm sorry, Brandon. I'm sooooo sorry!

Maybe I wasn't meant to have love in my life. Maybe I'm so worthless that the people around me are doomed to experience misfortune and pain. Simply by being associated with me.

I'm gonna quietly go to sleep now, and hopefully find a way to get out of the house before my mom wakes up for work tomorrow. I'll do it every morning for a week, two weeks, whatever it takes for my mom to totally FORGET what she saw today!

Awwww... ::Cries:: ...she's NEVER gonna forget, is she??? She fucking CAUGHT me!!! this is never going to go away!

As much as I love Brandon...I feel like I ruined my life. Forever. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I can do anything about it. Except what I'm doing right now. HIDING!

Hiding right here in this room, and hoping that I can avoid the situation for so long that it simply never comes up again. Like...ever.

Yeah...that sounds like the game plan to follow.

I'll write more later. Seeya.

- Billy