Death is Not an Option - 5. Chapter 5

There is someone here, I can hear them moving. Something touches my hand. I am so tired. I want to sleep. I want to sleep so badly but... but... I.... I have been asleep for a long time and I feel stiff and sore. I sigh and it hurts.

“Are you waking up now?” Oh great. I recognise that voice. I am really, really not up to this. “Isaac? I really need to talk to you. Please Isaac.”

It is hard to open my eyes, hard to focus on the fuzzy little face. It is beaming. “Did I wake you?”

Duh. “Yes.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Oh... okay. My Daddy said you are a really bad man. He said that you did something terrible and I am not supposed to talk to you any more.” And? He waits, staring at me with earnest, intent eyes. I don’t know what he expects of me. “Did you Isaac? Did you do something that was really, really bad, so bad that you have to be locked away for ever until you die and then go to hell?”

The words mean very little to me. They echo around the fog in my head and disappear. He is frowning, his little face so serious so urgent.

“Please Isaac. Please tell me. Is it true? Is it?”

What does he want from me? What does he expect? I can’t even open my eyes all the way. I can’t think. I don’t know what he wants.

“Is it? Is it?”

“Now you’re just repeating what I say. What’s the matter with you? You’re all weird. Did you do it Isaac? Did you do the bad thing?”

“Bad thing?” I think about it and memories swirl like sludge. “No... no I... I didn’t. I... didn’t do the bad thing.”

“I knew it! I knew you wouldn’t do something that bad. I know you’re not bad Isaac, you’re my friend.”

“Friend?” I don’t know why but the word makes me feel sad, so sad I feel the tears spring to my eyes, begin to roll down my face. Slowly, painfully I turn on my side and curl into a ball. A small hand hesitantly touches my arm.

“Don’t cry Isaac. Why are you crying? Why are you sad? I didn’t mean to make you sad. Don’t you want to be my friend? You don’t have to. I have lots of friends. Do you... Do you have lots of friends Isaac?” It feels like he has pushed a red hot dagger through my heart and I shake my head.

“No.”

“Oh. No wonder you are sad. It is terrible not to have friends. You have a Mammy and Daddy though.... don’t you.”

“No.”

“Do you have a sister or brother?”

“No. No one. I have no one.”

“Yes you do. I’m your friend. I have to go home soon but I will come and see you. Daddy says I can’t speak to you and have to keep away from you but he doesn’t know. He thinks you are bad. I told him you’re not but he didn’t listen. Now I can tell him for sure. He will bring me Isaac, I will come back to see you.”

For some reason this hits me hard. The earnest voice, the serious little face.... I curl up tighter and deep within a dam bursts and I weep. The pain is intense but it is different than before, sweeter.

“Isaac, Isaac please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I really didn’t.”

He sounds upset, distraught. I can’t hurt him. I mustn’t. Somehow I manage to bring the pain under control and look up at him. I try to smile but it feels more like a grimace. I am rewarded by a smile so bright it dazzles and confuses me.

“Hey. You’re not tied up any more. You must have been good. That’s good isn’t it?” He thinks for a while. “I know. You can come and meet my Daddy and then you can tell him that you’re not a bad person. I know that as soon as he sees you he will know. And my grandmother is here today. She knows a lot of things. She will see. She will see the good in you... see how it shines. Come on. It’s not far.”

“Jaden... no I.... I... no I can’t.”

“Yes you can. No one will know. You won’t get into trouble. When they find you they will be cross for a little while but they are here to take care of you so they won’t punish you or shout at you or ground you or anything. I promise you won’t have a row.”

“Jaden I can’t.” He is pulling my arm, tugging off the blanket. “No.... no I.... Jaden...”

“What’s the matter with you? You’re no fun today.”

“I.... I’m tired.” He looks at me thoughtfully and I just can’t hold his eyes, it's too hard, my eyes too heavy.

“Your eyes are all weird. Why are you eyes weird? You look strange. Are you sick?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a fever?”

“No.”

“Are you going to go to sleep again?”

“Yes.”

“Don't go to sleep right now. I want you to talk to my Daddy. I want my grandmother to see you. Please come with me for a little while. I promise it won’t be long... and they will be nice to you.”

“I.....”

“Please Isaac.” I only wish I could. He is annoying but he is sincere. I like him. I would like to please him, to go with him and meet his family but I can’t even try. It isn’t just that I know it would cause an uproar if anyone found my room empty, it is more that I am so .... tired.... so... weak. I could no more get out of this bed than I could fly out of the window.

Despite myself I start to drift, my eyes closing of their own accord, my vision darkening.

“Wait. Don’t go back to sleep. I have to go soon. Wait. I will get my grandma. Wait Isaac.”

And then he is gone. I hear the door slam. It is quiet. The pillow is cool under my cheek. I feel like I am floating. There is no pain, no sorrow, no thought, there is only softness and silence.

When the door opens it startles me so much I jerk awake from the point of unconsciousness and am completely disoriented.

“See... see I told you. Look at him grandma. You can see can’t you? Isaac. This is my grandma. Talk to her. Tell her you’re not a bad man. Please Isaac. Tell her.”

Tell her? I’m having enough trouble seeing her. My eyes seem to have a mind of their own and are not under my control. I have to fight to keep them open and then they won’t stay still, won’t fix on anything.

“Isaac, tell her.”

“Jaden sweetheart, I don’t think your friend is feeling very well right now. Let’s leave him to rest huh?” The voice sounds nice, warm and caring. There is a hint of amusement and a tinge of sadness. I know she is looking at me and I can imagine the expression, the disapproval, the censure. It is enough to spur me on to get my eyes back under control.

She isn’t as old as I expected. She doesn’t have grey hair, it is a rich chestnut colour spilling over her shoulders in deep waves. Grey green eyes, crinkled at the corners peer at me not unkindly and a full, sweet mouth is smiling gently. There is no censure, no disapproval, only sadness.

Once I look into her eyes I can’t look away. They dominate my vision, my thoughts, my consciousness. I can’t move, can’t think, can’t feel. The hint of sadness in the eyes deepens and they turn soft.

“Hello Isaac. What have they done to you?”

It never occurs to me that she would want or expect an answer. She doesn’t.

“Why don’t you say something? Talk to her like you do to me. Tell her that you’re a good person Isaac. I know you are. I know it. No one will listen to me. Please tell her.”

“Hush now Jaden. Isaac isn't up to your chattering.”

“But he’s not talking to me grandma. Why isn’t he talking to me? He’s my friend.”

“I know sweetheart.” She looks at me and smiles the kindest smile I have ever seen. Then she crouches down so that I don’t have to look up at her and touches my face. “Can you hear me Isaac?”

I nod and lose control of my eyes again. She waits until they have steadied and then gives me the most piercing, most appraising look I have ever had.

“My Jaden is a sweet boy. He has a big heart and a kind nature. He sees the good in everyone. He loves everyone and reaches out his hand to them. It’s a strange thing but I have seen it time and time again... generally it’s only those with good hearts and pure souls who take it. And he.... he is a canny lad. He knows. If he says you are a good man then I believe him. I see it in your eyes. You are not what they say you are... are you?”

What can I say to that? I don’t understand half of what she said. She must see my confusion. “Don’t worry Isaac. It’s alright. Jaden tells me you are all alone, that you have no one. Is that true?”

“Yes.”

“Do you not have any family at all?”

“No.”

“No friends?”

“No.”

“Don’t worry. You have a friend now. Two friends. We won’t let you be alone Isaac.”

Words rise to the surface, tremble on my lips and then fade. I can’t comprehend anything she says but somehow it feels good. I try to smile, to show her that I understand but it just makes the room spin and a wave of nausea sweep over me making me frown.

“I knew it. I knew you would see it grandma. I knew it. I told you didn’t I Isaac? I told you that my grandmother would see it, would see that you are not a bad person. I told you.” His face swims into view in front of my eyes, very close, very sincere. He touches my face. “Isaac? Why aren’t you talking to me any more?”

“Jaden. Leave Isaac alone. I don’t think he’s up to talking right now.”

“But why? Why won’t he talk to me?”

“I think he’s feeling very sleepy.”

“But he’s been asleep for ages. I’ve been waiting.”

“I think that maybe Isaac’s medicine is making him sleepy and it’s very hard for him to wake up... too hard to talk.”

“Do you mean like when I had my operation? When they put a needle in my hand and squirted stuff in and made me go to sleep?”

“Yes, something like that.”

“Is Isaac going to have an operation?”

“No. I think he just needs to have a long rest. Say goodbye to Isaac now and go back to your Mum. I’ll be along in a moment.”

“Bye Isaac. I’ll come back and see you soon.”

When he has gone his grandmother looks at me with a frown on her face. She reaches out and brushed the hair out of the way and lets her fingers linger in my hair. It makes me sigh.

“I can see why Jaden is fascinated with you. You are the first person I have met for a long time who feels as pure as he is. I can taste your innocence Isaac. What can I do to help you?”

I have no idea what she is saying, what she means. I can only stare at her, frowning. I am beginning to drift away. I feel like I am lifting from the bed. I am aware that I am slowing down... my breathing... my heart... all getting slower. My mind is toffee. She is speaking again, words spilling from her to wash over me. They are meaningless, unheard. And then.... and then....

I am alone. Everything hurts and I groan out loud. The sound of my own voice startles me. My arm is hurting a lot, aching and throbbing. Maybe it is because I am lying on it. I should move but I don’t have the energy. I turn my head and pain slices through it. I groan again and close my eyes. I want to go back to sleep but the vestiges of it fall away as the pain and discomfort grow stronger.

I can’t say that the pain I feel is unbearable. It’s not, nowhere near. It is more extreme discomfort. A dull ache in my back and shoulders, a sharper one in my arm and in my head. Okay... so if I turn over it will be better right? I make it half way and have to stop, exhausted. The bed is flat again and all I can do is lie on my back and look at the ceiling. I am numb, emotionless, thoughtless.

The door opens and I have no energy to raise my head and see who it is. A face appears, the nice nurse. I wish I could find the energy to smile.

“Hello Isaac. How are you feeling? Are you hungry? Thirsty?” It is hard but I find the energy to shake my head. There is a moment of acute disorientation before I realise that she is raising the bed again. I close my eyes and jump when something touches my lips. It is a straw in a glass.

“It is just water Isaac. Take a sip. Your mouth is very dry, it will help.” I sip and the cold water seems to tear through my mouth and throat. I hadn’t realised but my throat is closed and the water tears it open making me gag. I cough and water sprays everywhere.

“Take it easy now. Just a little at a time. There you go.” After the first few sips I get the hang of it and it feel so, so good. “There you are. Feel better now?”

“Yes.” And I do. My head is clearing and I am more aware of what is going on around me although I still feel strangely empty. “What happened to me?”

“Nothing ‘happened’ Isaac. You were getting very upset and the doctors were afraid you were going to hurt yourself so they thought it would be better for you to sleep for a while.”

“You drugged me?”

“We helped you to relax.”

“Relax? I wasn’t relaxed... I was unconscious. That’s why you took the straps off. It had nothing to do with me being upset, you just moved the bonds from my wrists to my mind. How long?”

“Does it matter?” I think about it and it doesn’t, not really. I shake my head, too tired to speak.

“What’s changed?”

“Changed?”

“Why did you wake me up?”

“You can’t sleep forever Isaac.”

“Why not?”

She smiles a sweet smile and straightens out the bedclothes. “Because you have a visitor. Come on, sit up, I’ll straighten the pillows.”

“A... visitor?” I lose the thought as I let her haul me forwards. The headache kicks in and I am spiralling again. Leaning back against the cool soft pillows is as good as ever it was and I close my eyes as things start to settle down. A cool hand strokes my forehead and I open my eyes, surprised.

“Stay with us now Isaac. It would be rude to sleep through all of your friend’s visit.”

“Friend? What friend?”

“You’ll see. She’s been here for a while. She’s a little upset so be nice to her.”

“Upset? Why?”

“Because she’s your friend Isaac. Come on now try to look a little interested.”

“I.... I am.... I am interested.... I... just I..... What friend?”

“I’ll just go get her and then you’ll know.”

When the nurse leaves I close my eyes again against the light that makes my head hurt and my eyes sore. It would be easy to allow myself to slip again, to fall back into the darkness but I am intrigued. My mind is racing and I am confused. Who would say they are my friend? Could it be Jaden... no the nurse said ‘she’s your friend’. Could it be his grandmother? The wondering makes my head ache.

The door opens and I open my eyes. Then I close them again. I can’t accept what I have seen. I can’t believe that I have seen it. This can’t be happening. It mustn’t be happening.

“Isaac?”

“Ruth. Why?!”

Suddenly she literally launches herself across the room and is on the bed, in my arms. Automatically I put my arms around her pulling her close. My arm screams in complaint but I ignore it. It feels too good to be holding her. She smells of sunshine. Her beautiful golden hair is under my cheek and the one thing I care about in the whole crazy world is pressed to my heart.

“Ruth. You have to go. If Caleb finds out.....”

“It’s too late Isaac. Caleb’s gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean gone?”

“The man came... to the community. He told me that you were ill.... so ill you might never get better. That isn't what was supposed to happen. Caleb kept telling us you were strong, so strong that you would easily be able to cope with what happened. We had no idea Isaac, no idea what he was going to do to you. Right up until the end, until he went to court we thought that he was going to tell the truth and help you.

“He said that you weren’t right for us, that you never fitted in anyway. That out of everyone at the community you were best fit to cope with the outside world. He said that we had to expel you or the publicity would destroy the community; that we had to sacrifice you for the good of us all.

“Not everyone was happy about it. Many of us challenged him, tried to make him change his mind... make them change their minds. But we couldn’t. In the end they banned all mention of your name. We were not allowed to talk about you or think about you.

“But... but when the man came. What he told me..... I was afraid Zac, so afraid that you would die and it would be our fault. Jacob was in a terrible state already. When I told him he snapped. He walked out of the community to talk to the police. Caleb went after him and dragged him back. He hurt him Zac....... he really hurt him and.... and it was too much.

“Everyone got angry and the whole thing went crazy and.... and.... Jay spoke up against Caleb and then Malachi did and then others. And all the time.... all the time I was speaking up for you. In the end they decided, all of them, that they were going to tell the truth. Caleb went mad. He freaked out completely and, when he saw that they were not going to listen to him he ran away and no one has seen him since.”

I can’t believe what I am hearing. It is incredible, impossible. My head is spinning with it, my heart hurting.

“So..... so I.... am I...?” It is such a terrifying thought that I can't even bear to think it let alone speak it.

Ruth lifts her head and looks up at me, her eyes shining. “No Zac... you’re not expelled any more. You can come home.”

“But.... I have to... I can’t....”

“Yes, you can. They spoke to the police. The very same day. They called the lawyer and the police and they told the truth. They were angry with us, the police said that they should arrest us for perverting the course of justice but..... but they.... they didn’t. In the end everything was sorted out. We went back to court this morning. The judge said that you should have been there but... under the circumstances they waived your attendance and.... and all the charges were dropped. You’re free Zac. Free. When you are through here you can come home.”

“Home?”

She is beaming at me, her eyes alight and I am trying to process the information, trying so hard but I can't. After so long it’s too much.

“For me? They... they stood up to Caleb for me?”

“For you and for us. It was wrong Zac, what we did to you was wrong and it was eating away our souls. No one was happy, no one smiled, everyone was thinking of you, all the time. It should have happened sooner. No, it should never have happened at all. Caleb is a bad man Zac and you are a good man, such a good man. It was wrong.”

I should be feeling happy. I know that. I should be feeling so happy. It’s over. Everything is alright... only it isn’t. Maybe I am in shock. I can only stare at her, watching her expression change, become uncertain, the elation draining away.

“Zac? Are you okay? Aren’t you happy?”

“Happy? I...”

“I think he’s a little overwhelmed Ruth. It’s a lot to process. Give him some time.”

“But I thought.... I thought.... It’s over now. It’s alright. You can come back and it can all just go back to the way it was.”

She is staring at me with desperation now. Perhaps she realises even as she says it that she is voicing a hope and not a fact.

“I don’t think that’s possible Ruth. After what happened I don’t think that anything can ever be quite what it was.”

I look up at him. I hadn’t even noticed him come in. I can see in his face that he understands, at least a little of it. I nod.

“But.... Zac, you’re going to be alright now aren’t you? Tell me, please, that you are going to be alright.”

“I..... I think.... I think so.”

“I’m sure he will Ruth. I’m sure he will be fine, just not the same. No one can go through what Isaac has been through and be the same.”

“Oh my God. What have we done? What have we done to you?”

She seems to collapse in on herself and I pull her into my arms as she weeps. I want to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be alright but I can’t. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know what I think. I am completely numb. I look up at the doctor and he smiles and nods at me.

“You’ll be alright Isaac. Just give yourself time. This whole thing has been a terrible shock to you. Give it time and you will be fine.”

I stroke Ruth’s soft hair, burying my face in it and close my eyes. My head is pounding and so is my heart. I can’t process this, can’t work out what it actually means for me. I have gone from having all I want, all I need to having nothing to having more than I had before and I can’t work out what that means. There is one thing that is gnawing at me, making my head hurt even more... I can’t go back. Too much has happened for me to find peace there any more. I can’t go back.

“Ruth, maybe we need to give Isaac a little space now. He has a lot to think about and he’s not strong at the moment.”

She looks up again and her eyes, sparkling with tears, are full of concern.

“I’m sorry Zac. I... I never meant to.... I didn’t think I would.... I wanted to make it right. I thought you would be happy.”

“I.... I am. I just.... I can’t.... It’s too much. What happened was.... was.... too much.”

Ruth puts her hand on my face and stares into my eyes. Something runs through me and makes me shiver. Her touch, her eyes..... I smile. I don’t think about it, it just comes. It starts deep inside and runs through my body and out of my eyes. It is like the sun coming out from behind a cloud and I feel suddenly warm. I can’t cope with the enormity of what has happened to me but I can cope with this. I can cope with Ruth. I can cope with the fact that she is here, she is in my arms.

“I am happy Ruth. I am happy because you are here.”

She looks shocked. At first she snatches her hand away and my happiness wavers. She must see it in my face because she looks distressed. She lowers her eyes and her head and I am suddenly afraid, very afraid, more afraid than I have ever been, through all this. I touch her hair, her beautiful, soft golden hair, and run it through my fingers, like a shower of gold.

My thoughts are like silver fish, shooting through the water, quicksilver, shifting. I don’t seem to be able to hold on to anything for long. It occurs to me that perhaps that is because of the drugs they have given me. I find the thought comforting because it means that eventually the feeling will go away.

Ruth lifts her head and the expression on her face terrifies me. Slowly, hesitantly she reaches out her hand and touches my face. I can feel her fingers trembling. I can see that she is afraid.

“I... You know that I like you Zac. I have always liked you. You are my friend. My best friend. But this... this.... this has changed me too. When I thought I would lose you, really lose you forever, with no chance of seeing your eyes again, your smile... of feeling your fingers in my hair. I.... I....” She is crying again, sparkling tears running down her face.

“Don't cry Ruth. It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything.”

“Yes I do. I do Zac. I have to say something that I should have said before, a long time ago. You are my world, my life. The thought of living without you scared me so much I couldn’t help but come to a realisation... I.... I have known it all along but it scared me. I was afraid to say it to you for so long.... and now I am afraid not to. I love you Zac. I have always loved you.”

There was nothing confusing about the way I feel now. I feel great.

“I... think I love you too.”

And now we are both crying, both clinging to each other as if our lives depend on it, but it’s okay.