Death is Not an Option - 14. Chapter 14

I was extremely nervous going to the hospital. God knows why my grandmother, in her infinite wisdom, decided that I would be the one to do this. My sister would have been so much better. She is the one who has the people skills, who always knows what to say. But no, she would have none of it and so here I was.

I must have driven Sean mad on the drive down. I was a mess, so nervous. I kept babbling, on and on about the same things, over and over the same ground. It isn’t every day you find out you have a brother you never knew you had. My mother and grandmother had known that Eileen was pregnant when she ran. She had told them when my father was still alive, they were excited about it.

I don’t remember my father very well. I was six when he died. But I do remember him, and I remember the beautiful, gentle, brown eyed woman he brought with him when he came to see us. My father was a lawyer, a really good one, and he was very busy, working long hours so he didn’t come as often as I would have liked. I can vividly remember crying once because he was not able to come to my birthday party as he was away representing a client on a big trial in London.

It would have spoiled my birthday... if it had not been for the fact that the gentle eyed Eileen made the trip from where they lived, more than sixty miles away, by train as she didn’t drive, with the best birthday present ever... a letter and card written by my father, just for me... and a wad of notes in the envelope to buy whatever I wanted on the proviso that I took Eileen with me to help me choose.

My mother, who had been somewhat frazzled trying to organise a birthday party around two excited children was more than happy for Eileen to take us out for the afternoon and it was the best afternoon ever. I can’t even remember what we bought or where we went. I can just remember the quiet voice, the gentle eyes. From that day on Eileen and my mother were real friends and Eileen often came to visit her, even without father.

When my father died part of the grief of losing him was the grief of losing her too. She never came back. For a long time I missed her almost as much as I missed my father. I often asked my mother where she was and was told that she had gone back to her family because she was so sad about my father that she needed to have people she loved and who loved her around her. I longed to find her, to tell her that I loved her too.

No one ever told me that she was pregnant. No one ever told me that somewhere out there was a brother or sister, part of my family of my blood. Since being told about Isaac I have scoured my memory for signs that somehow I must have known. I must have known there was someone out here, someone like me.

I have always wanted a brother, always. My sister is okay, as little sisters go... but to have a brother... someone to play football with, to play Pokemon cards with, to be a mate. It was always a pipe dream of course... and then, quite suddenly, it wasn’t. I had a brother. A ready made grown up brother. Hell. It knocked me for six when they told me. It brought all the memories back and I was very unsettled for a time. When we had the family meeting to discuss what we were going to do about it I was totally shocked when I was told that, after my father died Eileen fled back to where she came from, a religious community in the Wiltshire countryside. I was even more shocked when they told me that she was pregnant.

My mother was crying, saying that she had done everything she could to persuade Eileen to stay, that she had a place with us, that we would look after her. But she wouldn’t listen, not to her and not to grandmother and, one day, when they went to visit her she had gone.

My grandmother had found the community, eventually, but when she and my mother went there to see Eileen they were denied. They were told that she had lost the child and had been made ill by the two losses and was not up to receiving visitors. They would not allow them to see her. And the same thing happened over and over again when they tried to call or visit. In the end they gave up. They did not even know that she was dead.

And now....

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah... just thinking.”

“No point in asking what about.”

“No point at all. I can’t seem to think of anything else these days. I keep thinking about him... my brother. Hell, I can’t get used to saying it, to thinking it.”

“I can imagine. It’s totally wild... to suddenly find you have a brother out there, only a couple of years younger. No memories of the bratty, snotty nosed years... just all grown up and ready to be a mate.”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“What is there not to like? It’s more likely you won’t like him.” That brought me up short. To be honest I hadn’t thought of that, not until then.

“I don’t know. He was brought up in a religious community. He’s bound to be devout, a Christian. What if he has a problem with us?”

“Then it’s his problem. He will get over it.”

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“Then he’ll lose the chance of having the best brother in the world.” I had to smile, that was typical Sean. He is so sweet.

“It’s all simple to you isn’t it?”

“Most things are... until we needlessly complicate them.”

“I don’t needlessly complicate anything... I am just realistic.”

“Pessimistic.”

“Whatever. I’m sorry, I’m surprisingly stressed.”

Sean smiled gently and put his hand on my knee. “I know.”

We had no chance to continue because by then Sean was pulling into the hospital and we were consumed with the search for the car park and then for a space. Eventually we found our way to the desk and, hence to Dr Richard Fielding’s office. From the moment we walked through the door I felt that we were somehow intruding, that we were not wanted. The woman behind the desk was, as the French say C’est Formidable. She made her disapproval very clear and she would not let us near Isaac until we had been approved by Dr Fielding.

And so we had sat and waited for more than half an hour getting more and more stressed. What the hell was going on?

Dr Fielding was not as expected. He was quite young, very friendly, and not at all disapproving. Listening to what he had to say was hard. My brother... my baby brother whom I had never met, had never laid eyes on... has been through so much. He has suffered so much betrayal... so much emotional and physical violence. What chance do I have of connecting with him? What could I possibly say to him?

Dr Fielding tells us that he is strong, that my brother is strong, a strong man. How can anyone be strong enough to cope with all that without fracturing, without breaking, without going insane? Could I?

The walk from the Dr’s office to my brother’s room was the longest I have ever taken. My heart was beating so hard I felt faint. My knees were weak. I was going to meet my brother.

There are no words to describe what I felt the first time I set eyes on him. I was shocked; utterly, utterly shocked. It wasn’t that he was beautiful, which he undeniably was. It wasn't that he looked so young and frail and so sick, hooked up to all the medical equipment. It wasn’t even that he looked so much like his mother it was spooky. It was none of those things. It was the simple fact that... after all this time, all this anticipation... here he was my brother, my baby brother.

I barely felt Sean’s hand in mine. I was barely aware of Sean at all. Isaac dominated my mind, my senses. My brother. Fuck. I have a brother.

When I actually spoke to him I was blown away. He’s such a great kid. Somewhat screwed up but I suppose most kids his age are tending towards being screwed in any event. Hell I was at that age. He is beautifully screwed up, beautifully.

I could tell it was hard for him; to meet me, to hear what I had to say, to open up to me. It was hard, so hard, but he did it. I was very impressed. He fell apart at times. He cried and he raged, but quietly. He is a strong man. I was surprised by how... familiar he felt.

When he seized I panicked. I shouldn’t have, but I did. It was Sean who stayed calm, who calmed me. It is always Sean who is steady, always Sean who keeps me grounded. He calmed me and then he left me, to get help. He left me holding on to Isaac’s hand as if both our lives depended on it, my own heart as fast and erratic as his.

By the time the nurse came he was quiet again and she did nothing but check out the machines and take his pulse. Hell, I could have done that. She patted me...yes patted... me... and then she left again as if that made everything alright. Maybe it did.

Sean and I sat and looked at Isaac for a while. Talking to him it had been easy to forget that he has been so close to death. I can tell that he is the kind of person who gets impatient with weakness. Maybe I had needed a reminder before I pushed him too far. I can be stupid sometimes. I have a tendency to push everyone and everything too far. It makes me think about Sean.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” He looks up, a little startled, as though he had been deep in thought.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For always pushing.”

“Where did that come from?”

“Who knows?”

Sean rests his head against my shoulder and slides his arm around my waist. I can’t see his face but I can tell he is smiling. Sean is always smiling. He is my counterpart, the light to my dark.

“I’m a lazy bastard. I need to be pushed.”

“You’re not lazy. You’re just laid back.”

“Horizontal.”

I can’t help but smile. “So what do you think?”

“I think a lot of things. Which particular thought are you after?”

“What do you think about Isaac?”

“Aaah. He reminds me of someone.” He has a funny little smile on his face. He has a lot of different smiles does Sean and this one is a sweet private one he keeps just for me.

“Oh really?”

“Indeed. Someone who is stubborn and self contained; scarily perceptive and intelligent but somewhat distant, steady, a little cold sometimes but very, very beautiful in so many ways. He reminds me of someone who is the centre of my life, who I can't live without.”

I turn my head and he is looking up at me with his great big beautiful blue eyes. I feel... unsettled. This whole situation with Isaac, finding out I have a brother, going through the excitement, doubts and fears beforehand, meeting him, experiencing his reaction, starting to warm to him and getting suddenly and forcefully reminded how fragile he is, how fragile we all are. Yes, definitely unsettled. And here he is, like he always is, steady and loyal, beautiful in his own way and always smiling.

“Ask me.” I am shocked by the words, their import, their meaning. I had not meant to say them, they have come from nowhere and yet, now they are here they are right, so right. I am glad I have said them.

“Ask you what?” I see something flicker in his eyes. I know he understands. I am suddenly nervous, my heart fluttering. “Are you sure?”

“Ask me.” My voice is husky, surprisingly small, almost a whisper. It wasn’t meant to be.

“Jon, you are my life, my hope. You know how much you mean to me. We have been together for four years and you haven’t made me happy for every moment of those four years, but life is not about being happy all the time, it’s about taking the good and the bad and weaving them into something that is special, that is fulfilling and inspiring. You give me that; that fulfilment, that inspiration.

“Promise me that you will be by my side for the rest of our lives, that you will tell me when I’m wrong, that you will admit when I am right, that you will stop me being lazy and make me realise my potential. Promise you’ll love me and I will love you forever. Marry me Jon.”

“Yes,”

“Just ‘yes’? After my beautiful speech all you can say is ‘yes’?” He is grinning like an idiot. I can’t smile. I am choked and helpless.

“Yes.”

Gods, there are tears in my eyes. I’m an old fool. But this experience has shaken me, given me a new perspective, a new focus on my own mortality, my own fragility, the things that life can throw you, the fact that everything can change so completely when you least expect it.

“Soppy, daft idiot.”

“Hard, unfeeling, swine.”

He kisses me and everything is alright, everything is always alright when he kisses me, when he smiles at me, when he holds me.

“Promise me you will never leave me.”

“I swear to you I will never leave you.”

“No matter what?”

“No matter what.” I shiver. He is serious now too, sincere, his eyes hold a wealth of words that are not spoken but felt with every iota of my being. I feel safe and in that safety I have the security to allow me to think, which I do for a while.

“Fuck Sean... I have a brother. I have a beautifully screwed up baby brother and suddenly I’m realising what that means. It’s not about football in the park is it?”

“Nope. It’s about tears and tantrums, about personality clashes, about differences and similarities. It’s about getting to know someone, learning to accept them, warts and all. It’s kind of like a new relationship. The connection is there, the love, but it needs to be cherished, to be nurtured, to grow. You can’t expect it all to be there ready made. Isaac is your brother but he doesn’t know you. You can’t expect him to trust you, to confide in you, to be there for you or let you be there for him. That will come but it’s going to take patience, especially considering what has happened to him.”

“I know. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. But... I mean... he’s my brother. Over and above and through everything he’s my brother. He looks so much like his mother; I would have known him anywhere. I remember her. She was beautiful, not just on the outside. The thing I remember most about her was her voice, it was so gentle. I didn’t know her for very long, gods I was only a kid but she was the only grown up I can remember who felt like a friend.”

“I kind of know what you mean.”

“Good... can you explain it to me?”

He laughs, a warm laugh that fills me up with sunlight. It’s going to be alright. I know that it is going to be alright.

I leave Sean with Isaac and go to telephone my grandmother. She is excited, I can tell, waiting by the phone.

“What took you so long? Have you met him? Is he alright? Is he like your father? Does he know about us?”

“Grandma. If you want me to answer you have to be quiet for long enough to let me speak.”

“I’m sorry, Jonathan darling. Go ahead. I’m just so excited about this. He’s my grandson after all.”

“I know. Yes, I’ve met him, I’ve spoken to him. He’s very like his mother although he has eyes like ours. He’s... very hurt and confused as you would expect after what’s happened to him, but he seems like a strong man, he’ll get over it. I think I am going to like him. I know you will love him.”

“Like his mother? Like Eileen? That’s good.” Her voice is teary, wistful and I know she is looking back over the years, into a past where Eileen and my father were young and beautiful... and alive. “Will he come home with you? Will he... will he come and meet us, let us help him?”

“I haven’t put any pressure on him about that. I think I have made it clear to him that the option is there but everything has changed for him very quickly and I don’t think he is in a place to make decisions at the moment.”

“But you will bring him back won’t you Jonathan? At least bring him for a visit, let us meet him, let me meet him.” There is a note of panic in her voice now.

“I will do my best Grandma but I get the impression that no one can make Isaac do something that he doesn’t want to do, especially not now.”

“He follows us in that; your father was like that.”

“I know, and so am I. But I really will do my best Grandma, I promise.”

“Will it be soon? Will you be bringing him home soon?” The anxiousness is still there and I feel the usual rush of protectiveness I always feel when talking to my grandmother. She is such a special person but she can be as pushy and unrelenting as I can... or should that be the other way around?

“I don’t think so. He’s not well. I think he’s going to be here for a while.”

“But he’s alright isn’t he? He’s going to be alright?”

“I think so. He’s still quite poorly, they’ve got him hooked up to all sorts of things and he’s in and out of consciousness, pretty doped up even when he’s awake, but from what I can gather there’s no permanent harm and he’s on the mend.”

“I should come.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea right now Grandma. He’s been through a lot and he didn’t have a clue about us. As far as he was concerned both his parents were from the community, they were both dead and he was all alone. They have this freaky concept that children belong to the community and they don’t have individual parents as such. He didn’t know he has a family. Meeting me was quite a shock and I think he’s had enough of those for now.”

“That’s why it had to be you Jonathan dear. You have such clear perception, uncluttered by emotion.”

“Are you telling me I’m unemotional?”

“Not at all my dear, you are very emotional... you just don’t let them get in the way.”

“Thanks... I think.” She can hear the laughter in my voice and she laughs in response.

“Keep me informed honey. I will let everyone else know how it’s going. You call me straight away if anything happens and as soon as you think he’s up to meeting us, let me know, and I will be there in the blink of an eye.”

“Yes Grandma... Oh... I have some more news.”

“Oh yes?”

“Sean asked me to marry him again, and I said yes.”

“About time too.”

Sean laughs when I tell him what Grandma said, and then he hugs me closely. I rest my head against his shoulder and I am completely content.

I think I have been dozing because the voices startle me. Sean smiles at me when I look up, wide eyed as a small sweet voice pipes up.

“Who are you?” It sounds almost proprietary and I raise my eyes to see that it belongs to a little boy, maybe eight or nine years old with blonde curly hair and big blue eyes.

“Hello there. My name’s Jonathan. Who are you?”

“I’m Jaden and I’m Isaac’s friend. Are you his friend, only he said he didn’t have any friends?”

“I’m his brother.”

“You can’t be.” He is glaring at me, hands on hips and I have to smile.

“Why not?”

“Because he said he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters and Isaac doesn’t lie.”

“Well...no, Isaac didn’t lie. He didn’t know about me. This is the first time we’ve met.”

The frown deepens the small lip thrusts out and the wide blue eyes flash. “Now that’s just silly. How can he not know he has a brother? Brothers are best friends forever. I have a baby brother and he doesn’t know he has a brother yet but when he grows up he will. When he is really old like Isaac he will be my best friend and I will be old then too and my Dad says that we will go drinking together and wash our backs.”

“Wash your backs?”

“Yes. My Dad says that we will be there for each other and always wash each other’s backs.”

“I think the word is ‘watch’. You will ‘watch’ each other’s backs. That means take care of each other, look out for each other.”

“Oh. Yes. So you can’t be Isaac’s brother or he would have known you and you would have...” he thinks a moment then speaks carefully. “Watched his back.” He grins, proud of himself. “And none of this would have happened.”

“I...” In the openness of that bright blue stare I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, as though I should be apologising for something. “When I was six my Daddy died. He was in a terrible accident. He and my mother were... not together.” I choose my words carefully and he nods, a serious look on his face.

“My auntie got divorced. Her husband was a cheating liar and my Dad said a bad word about him when he didn’t know I was listening. My Dad doesn’t say bad words very often. Did you cry when your Daddy died? I would cry if my Dad died.”

It was hard to keep up with his quicksilver mind. I smiled. “Yes, I cried when my father died. I cried a lot. And no, he wasn’t a cheating liar. It’s just that he and my mother were very young when they got married and had children and when they grew up they weren’t... right for each other.

“He met someone else and they got married. That lady was Isaac’s mother. When he died she was very upset and she ran away. She was pregnant with a baby that would be Isaac but we didn’t know where she was, or whether she had the baby, who it was, whether it was a girl or a boy. So Isaac grew up not knowing he had a family and my sister and I grew up not knowing we had a brother.”

Jaden’s eyes grew even wider and when I finished speaking he grinned. “It’s like a fairy tale isn’t it? Kind of. I’m glad that Isaac has a brother. He was sad when he was all alone. I was sad too. I kept asking my Dad to bring me to see him because I didn’t like him being all alone. But he wouldn’t. He said that Isaac was sick, too sick to be bothered by me.” He turns to look at Isaac, something strange in his small face. “I don’t think he would have been bothered. He’s my friend. But he does look sick doesn’t he?”

“Yes. Yes, he does.”

Suddenly I am subjected to the full glare of the crackling blue eyes. “Is Isaac going to die? He hasn’t met my grandmother yet, not properly and she said she has a surprise for him. I like surprises. I think that Isaac likes surprises too... nice ones. He’s had a lot of nasty ones. My Daddy said that the bad man came and hurt him but the bad man is gone now. He won’t come again.”

“No. He won’t come again.”

“Is he dead? Is the bad man dead?”

“No, not dead. He is in prison.”

“Isaac was in prison too. But that was a mistake. Isaac is not a bad man.”

He says it so emphatically, with such a stern look in his eyes that I have to smile. “I know that Jaden. I know that Isaac is not a bad man. He is a very good man. I am going to take care of him now.”

He looks at me for a while, a searching look that makes me uncomfortable. Then he nods and turns away. Stretching out his hand he touches Isaac gently on the arm.

“Isaac? I came to see you, like I promised. I’m sorry I took so long, but my Daddy wouldn’t let me come until you were getting better. Isaac.” He shakes Isaac’s arm and I am about to tell him not to, that he might hurt Isaac, when Isaac sighs and opens groggy eyes. The smile that breaks over his face is astonishing.

“Jaden. You came.”

“Of course I came. I promised. My grandmother brought me. She’s talking to someone but she will be here soon. She has a surprise for you. She won’t tell me what it is but she says it’s a good one. Do you like surprises? I do. I like surprises a lot, but only when they are good ones. My grandmother says that you have had enough bad surprises and it is about time you had some good ones. But you have, haven’t you. You’ve had a good surprise. It must have been a good surprise to find out that you have a brother you didn’t know you had.”

Isaac nods looking dazed but Jaden doesn’t give him the chance to respond because he doesn’t pause in his breathless, excited chatter. “Your brother said he is going to look after you. I have a brother but he can’t look after me because he is too little. I am going to look after him. I promised my Mammy. She said that I was getting all grown up, a real little man.”

He draws himself up proudly but I don’t register it. In fact I don’t register anything. The sights and sounds of the room fade and become indistinct, because when Jaden had spoken about me looking after Isaac he had looked up at me and that look had said so much that it roared in my head, drowning out the world. It had drawn into itself every bit of life, of colour and of movement in the room causing it to fade out around me. All I saw was his eyes, his face, his soul and it was beautiful.

“Isaac... Isaac... I’m talking to you. Why are you looking at your brother like that? Why aren’t you listening to me?”

The petulant little voice stilled but it had drawn me back into the room. Isaac too I think, as he blinked and turned his head, focussing on Jaden.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“It’s rude not to pay attention when someone is talking to you Isaac. You do it all the time.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.”

I notice that Isaac’s voice is gentle when he speaks to Jaden. His eyes are soft and they try very hard to focus only on him, to truly listen to what he is saying. That is rare. Hoe many people in Isaac’s position would have taken time to listen to the prattling of a small child?

“That’s alright. My grandmother said that I wasn't to tire you and that you would probably be... be... I forgot what she said you would be, but you’re not.”

“Ok. What were you saying?”

“I asked you...” He speaks slowly, his eyes rolling exasperatedly. “I asked you how it feels to have a new big brother who is going to look after you.”

Isaac went very still, his eyes rising to meet mine again and I feel a thrill go through me. It isn’t as intense as last time. It doesn’t make the world stop, only my heart. The moment stretches and then, quite suddenly, he smiles. It is a small smile, a gentle smile, somewhat washed out but it was so beautiful.

“It feels great Jaden, really great.”

“That’s good. It would be awful if you didn’t like him. I mean brother have to get on don’t they. They’re brothers after all. They have to look out for each other and they have to like each other. It’s the law.”

“Now, now Jaden. I think that Isaac and Jonathan need time to work out what it means to them to be brothers. No one and nothing, not you, nor I nor any law can tell them that.”

“Grandma! See... see I told you that Isaac would be pleased to see me. I told you that he wouldn’t be too sick to talk to me. Daddy can be so obtuse don’t you think?”

“I think that you should stop listening to grown up conversations and using words you don’t understand, even if you do manage to get them in the right context.”

“Are you going to give Isaac his surprise now Grandma? Are you? Can I do it? Can I give Isaac his surprise?”

“I’m afraid not sweetheart. It isn’t that kind of surprise. Why don’t you go and visit with Katie for a while. She knows you are coming and she has something exciting to show you.”

“Grandma... I didn’t come to visit Katie. I came to visit Isaac. I wan to stay here.”

“Sweetheart. Do you remember what we spoke about in the car? I told you that you were going to have to be very good and that you would only be able to have short visits with Isaac. He really isn’t strong enough for a long visit right now and I have something very important to talk to him about. Go visit with Katie and then you can come back and sit with Isaac for a little while but you mustn’t tire him.”

“Isaac isn’t tired Grandma. He only just woke up. You’re not tired are you Isaac?”

Isaac looks at him with that same dazed expression he has been wearing since he woke and smiles, somewhat vaguely.

“I’m always tired.”

“That’s lazy. My Dad said...”

“Jaden. Isaac is not being lazy, he’s ill. Now leave him alone and go visit with Katie.”

“Yes Grandma. I’m sorry I said you were lazy Isaac. I didn’t really mean it.” Smiling brightly he danced away leaving us all feeling slightly dazed.

“Would you give us a moment Jonathan? I appreciate that you have only just got here but I have something important I would like to speak to Isaac about and it is very... personal”

“Of course.”

Actually I really don’t want to leave. Isaac is looking at me with his super bright eyes and there is something between us that wasn’t there before. I want to find out if it is real, lasting. I want to tell him that I have never meant anything in my life more than I meant it when I said I would look after him. I have never wanted anything more in all my life. There is something in the look that tells me he is thinking very much the same thing. He is not smiling. He is fading, I can feel it. I am doing it again, putting pressure on, without even trying, without being aware.

“No problem. Let’s go get a sandwich.”