Death is Not an Option - 23. Chapter 23

Isaac

When Connor spoke those words... when it hit me what they meant... I felt my heart break... I’m sure I did. I had to get out of there. I was going to go to my room but when I started to feel sick I diverted to the bathroom and it all came pouring out.

I felt like an idiot. I was such a fool not to have realised it. Connor had never made me any promises. He had never said he was going to stay with me. Why had I never thought about it? Why had I never...?

What happened next was pretty much a blur. I remember sitting on the floor and crying, and I remember Connor coming, his arms around me, his voice in my ear and then... and then I remember Jon. I was in bed and he was ranting at Sean about Connor.

“I told you... I warned you that this would happen if we let that boy anywhere near him. He’s dangerous... you know that. How could we have let this happen?”

“How could we have stopped it? We can’t dictate to Isaac who he falls in love with or what he does about it.”

“But that boy... Connor he...”

“He’s different... different to us and very different to Isaac and yes... I’ll grant you that he’s dangerous but he’s the one... It’s too late now; even if we want to we can’t change it. We can’t stop Isaac loving him.”

“But he’s going to get hurt.”

“And you can’t stop that... you have no right to... you can only be here for him, to pick him up when he falls... to put the pieces together.”

“And I will... of course I will. But how can you expect me to stand back and just let it happen? Connor is going to hurt him more and I can’t...”

“Yes you can... you can because you have to... because you love him...”

“Jon...?”

Instantly he was there, his cool hand stroking my face, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“You’re alright Isaac. You’re alright now.”

“I know. Where’s Connor.”

I saw his face harden and it hurt... but I couldn’t let it... I had to speak to him, had to hold him.

“I’ll get him Isaac. Don’t worry, he’s not far.”

“Why do you have to...?”

“Because I love him. I have never loved anyone before and I don’t know how it works but... I can’t switch my feeling off because they hurt. I love him and I’m pretty sure that he loves me so...”

“Be careful Isaac... please... He doesn’t realise how fragile you are... hell I don’t even think you do. You’re so... new to this. Love can be destructive and I don’t want to see you go under.”

“I won’t. I’m... I can’t describe it Jon but I’m more... alive than I have ever been and it’s all because of him. I have this... feeling that... without him in my life I will never feel that way again... will never feel truly alive and so I may as well be dead.”

“Don’t say that... don’t ever say that. I know how you feel... trust me I know but... Isaac, as much as it hurts... you will get over it... get over him. There will be someone else some day.”

“I don’t want to get over him. I don’t want there to be anyone else.”

Jon sighed but there was nothing more he could say because that was when Sean returned with Connor.

Talking with Connor was painful but I grew strangely calm. There was something inside me that was saying that somehow we would be together. I couldn’t see how right then... not even when he asked me to go to Ireland with him. I knew that I couldn’t do that. Jon and Sean and my family... they were my home now and after so long without either a home or a family there was no way I could leave them behind... no way at all. And yet there had been this strange surety in me that everything was going to be alright... that it would all work out in the end no matter how hard it was, how long I had to wait.

And then Ruth had come. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I felt battered. The emotions of the day were catching up on me and I could hardly keep my eyes open but at the mention of her name I came to life.

“What trouble?”

“You had better come and find out.”

I am still a little shaky on me feet. I hate it. I hate to feel weak. I am not going to do it... at least I am not going to show anyone. I can be strong. I am strong. Brushing aside Sean and Connor’s hand I take the stairs very carefully. There is a moment of disorientation at the top and I panic that I am going to fall but I hold tightly to the banister and make it to the bottom with Sean and Connor walking anxiously behind, watching me with the intensity of the hawk who spots prey.

As soon as I walk through the door she throws herself at me and I am surprised by how good it feels to have her in my arms again.

“Isaac... oh Isaac... it’s terrible... it’s so awful... please help us... please.”

“Ruth... you know I will... if I can. What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

She pulls out of my arms and lifts a tear stained face to mine. “Caleb.”

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Just the mention of his name is enough to throw me into a complete panic. My heart is thumping so hard I can’t hear what she is saying, what any of them are saying. My world contracts into a hard, cold knot in my stomach and everything else fades.

“Isaac. Come on me darling. Come sit wid me.”

At the sound of his voice it is as if warmth and colour flood back into the world again and I smile at him gratefully as he leads me to the sofa and sits me down with his arm around my shoulders. Ruth is watching with wide eyes. She is totally shocked and I am not sure what shocked her more... my reaction to her words... or Connor.

“Is he...is he back?” God it’s so hard to ask that question because I am so... so frightened of the answer.

“No... oh god no Isaac... he could never come back... we wouldn’t take him. Anyway he... he’s in prison. He will be for years. No, he’s not back but...”

The relief is almost as bad as the shock. I am shaking and I can’t stop. Connor tightens his arm around my shoulders and squeezes my leg. I look at him and he smiles at me. Almost as if I have no control over it at all my body relaxes and I smile back.

“Are you alright Isaac? I didn’t mean to upset you... are you... are you better now?”

It is on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I am fine, all better; that it’s all over but it is so patently obvious that it is not all over... and I am really not sure how I am going to cope with whatever is going to come and so... so I tell the truth.

“No... I’m better but not completely well... not yet. I’m still getting there but I will... I’m going to be fine... thanks to Jon and Sean.” I turn to Connor and smile... yes... to him to. “And to Connor. You haven’t met Connor, Ruth... he’s amazing. He’s my... my...” Suddenly I am floundering... what is he? What exactly is he to me?

“I t’ink de word ye’r lookin’ fer is lover... lover.”

I can imagine the look on Ruth’s face as he leans in to kiss me but it is exactly what I need. My heart slows and, with a sigh the last of the tension leaves me.

“Oh.” Ruth sits down suddenly, her eyes wide. Suddenly I feel embarrassed. I regret what I did. Have I forgotten so soon? Have I forgotten what it was like to live at the community... so sheltered, so cut off from the world?

“I’m sorry Ruth. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have explained.”

“You should have come back Isaac, at least for a visit. You should have...”

“I couldn’t. I... wasn’t ready.”

“Not ready to tell your friends you were okay? Not ready to at least let us know you had left the hospital so that when we rang to ask about you and they told us you were gone we wouldn’t have thought you were dead? You were ready enough to turn your back on us Isaac.”

“Turn my back on you?” What the fuck? Did she really say that? Did she really criticise me for not going back... when I had been told so clearly that there was no going back? Okay that wasn’t her, that was Caleb... probably not even true any more... but after the way they had treated me, after what they had done to me... I am so angry, so very angry. “I... I can’t believe you said that. It isn’t like you betrayed me... like you lied and left me to rot in prison. Where were you when I was lost and abandoned? Where were you when I was beaten... when I cried in the night... when I was...when they...?”

Shivering I force myself to stop. I’m not ready to go there, to face that yet... and it isn't fair on Ruth to make her the scapegoat... it wasn’t her fault any more than anyone else’s.

“I’m sorry Ruth. I didn’t mean...”

“Yes you did. And it’s okay. I deserved it. I’m sorry... sorry for everything.”

She looks so sad and so small... we have been friends forever and I hurt her. I know what it’s like to be hurt... to be rejected by someone you love.

Somewhat shakily I get to my feet and cross a room which seems to suddenly have doubled in size. It is quite hard to kneel down next to her chair. I have to concentrate because I feel kind of fuzzy and my body is not really completely under my control yet, but it is worth it because the look in her eyes when I take her into my arms is worth anything... everything.

“I’m sorry Ruth. It wasn’t your fault. I know that. It wasn’t any of your fault... it was all Caleb. He’s an evil man and he did this... only him. I don’t blame you, honestly I don’t. I was just... it just took me by surprise and hearing his name again...”

Ruth hugs me tightly and snuggles her face into my hair.

“It’s so good to hold you again Isaac. I have been so worried.”

“You could have come visit.”

“I... wasn’t sure... I didn’t know if you would want me to. When... when we found out that you had left the hospital we thought that the fact you didn’t contact us meant that you didn’t want any part of us any more.”

“I can’t lie Ruth... at that time I didn’t. I was hurt... so badly. When I... when I tried... when I wanted to die... it wasn’t because I was in prison... because of what happened to me there... it was because of you, all of you... what Caleb had done. I was alone... suddenly, for the first time I was completely alone. And I had been betrayed by the people I thought I could trust above all others. That’s not something you can get over easily... not something I can get over easily.”

Ruth pulls back and looks up into my face. Her eyes are full of pain but she smiles an understanding smile and raises her hand to tuck my hair behind my ear. It’s something she always does... did.

“I don’t blame you Isaac, not at all. We let you down, I know that... I am acutely aware of it every waking moment. We hurt you and we can’t expect forgiveness but... we’re in trouble Zac... really bad trouble and we need you.”

I feel... I don’t know how I feel. Her closeness... the familiar smell of the community, of her... it’s driving me crazy. Not because I want her... not like that... it’s not that I’m still in love with her or anything... if I ever was. It’s more... stirring up memories of what it had been like before... before it had all gone wrong.

I’m kneeling here on the floor but I’m also walking through the fields of corn, waiting impatiently in the kitchen to be served whatever smells so good, breathing in the perfume of the incense in the chapel, watching the sunrise in ‘my’ spot. It’s all coming back and the memories are... uncomfortable. Because everywhere there is Caleb... he is staining my memories with his darkness and drawing me inexorably to what came after.

I can’t help it... I can’t stop it... as hard as I try to hold on to the memory of the good things my mind is drawn to that moment... that instant in the courtroom when my world fell apart. I start to shake and I can’t control it. I can’t stop my mind and body flooding with those emotions, the helplessness, the hopelessness... the pain.

I feel hands on my shoulders, arms encircling me from behind and I smell his scent. It’s all I need to provide the anchor that pulls be back from the edge of the pit. Taking a deep breath I let myself sink back into his warmth and the shaking stops, the frantic beating of my heart slows down. I can think again, speak again.

“I’m sorry Ruth. I didn’t mean... It’s just... It’s hard to remember. I can’t think about the community without thinking of... of... of Him.”

Ruth is holding tight to my hand and her face is a mask of pain. It hurts that I have done this to her... that I have hurt her. She doesn’t deserve it any more than I did.

“Zac... Zac I... I don’t know what to say. We did a terrible thing. We hurt you, I know we did... we are all responsible. Maybe... maybe I shouldn’t have come but...” She is crying, the tears pouring down her cheeks but she doesn’t seem to be aware of it. It isn’t until that moment that I am aware that my own cheeks are wet.

“I know I have no right to ask... after what happened, what we did to you but... we don’t know what else to do. We’re lost Zac and you’re the only one who can help us.”

For a moment I am angry, blindingly angry. How dare they? After what they did to me, after what I have suffered because of them... how dare they come to me for help? But it is brief and it passes. They are still my family. Even though they are my past and I can’t go back... they are family and family don’t stop being family no matter what. If I turn my back on them now doesn’t that make me as bad as they were... worse, because I don’t have Caleb pulling my strings, not any more.

“It’s alright Ruth. I’m okay. I didn’t mean to... Anyway... I’m here for you. I always have been and that will never change. What’s going on? What can I do?”

Ruth gives me a strange look. It’s as if... as if... like she’s seeing me for the first time but...

“Zac... there’s one more thing... before I tell you...” My heart skips a beat. More? Oh god... can I take more? “It’s Jacob...”

“Jacob? Is he okay? Is he...?”

“He’s here... in the car. He was too scared to come in. He was afraid you would...”

That is so like him. He takes the world on his shoulders, the responsibility for everything. I remember his eyes... I trusted them and he had... no... no it was Caleb and in the end... in the end it was Jacob who had suffered for me.

“I’ll get him.”

“You don’t have to.”

I look into her eyes and the chemistry is back... whatever it is that had enabled us to speak without words. Yes I do... I do. She smiles a shaky smile and nods.

Connor helps me to my feet and it makes me angry that I need him to. This is a big step backwards for me. I have been able to control these feeling, to relegate them to the past where they belong and to have them overwhelm me like this again... It makes me angry with myself. Connor puts his arm around me.

“Go easy on yerself there my man. Sure and ye can’t just shut it all away in a box and make it go away. I’ve tried that one meself and it never works. Maybe dis is not de toime ter be dealin’ wid it all but... maybe just a bit... maybe a tiny bit at a time eh?”

I look up into his eyes, amazed as always how everyone around me seems to know what I am thinking, what I am feeling... even before I am sure of it myself. Connor’s eyes are shining, filled with something I don’t recognise, don’t really understand. I smile at him. I don’t know where it came from given that my feelings are still in turmoil and I am scared, so scared... but... I can’t help it... because... because...

I hug Connor, pressing my face against his shoulder, breathing in the sweet perfume of his hair and I feel my strength return. I can face anything, do anything, be anything when he is with me. I quickly push aside the sneaky voice that is whispering in my ear that it won’t be for long, that soon I will be alone again. I thrust it into a box and firmly close the lid. One step at a time he said... one step.

Gently I push Connor away. “I won’t be long.”

“Do yer want...?”

“No. I need to do this by myself.”

Connor smiles and nods. “If yer need me just yell... I’ll be listening.”

And I know he will. It makes me feel... safe. The evening is cold and dark. The street is pretty much empty. I peer out into the night and see a car. It is a battered old car, not one I have seen before, I am pretty sure. It occurs to me to wonder where they got it but it then occurs to me that there have probably been a lot of changes in the community over the past couple of weeks. Shit! Has it really only been a couple of weeks. It seems like a lifetime.

I am unaccountably nervous as I walk towards the car. The lights are on and they blind me as I get close. Now that I am here I don’t know what to do, so I just stand until... in a little while the door open and Jacob unfolds. For a moment we just stand there, looking at each other. He is just the same. Why would I think that he would have changed... it’s only been a few weeks after all.

“Zac I...”

That’s all it takes... the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, knowing what he was about to say. Suddenly he is in my arms and we are both holding on for dear life.

“Don’t say it. Don’t be sorry. You saved me.”

“No I didn’t. I didn’t. I was just as bad as all the rest. I promised and I...”

“And you kept it. Fucking hell Jacob... fucking hell!!”

“Yeah.”

After that there is no need for words. We hug for a while longer and then I lead him back into the house. It is warm in there, warm from more than the fire. I go straight to Connor, leading Jacob by the hand.

“Jacob... this is Connor. He’s... he’s my...” I smile coyly up at him. “He’s my lover.” Saying it makes me giggle. Jacob’s eyes widen but he smiles and holds out his hand which Connor takes and shakes, grinning.

“Pleased to meet yer.”

“Connor... this is Jacob my...” the realisation strikes me so hard that I almost fall to my knees. I do sway against Connor who quickly lets go of a startled looking Jacob and throws an arm around my waist. I shake my head, grinning like a fool. “This is Jacob... my friend.”

Connor laughs his golden laugh and before I know it the three of us are in a hug and we are all laughing. Okay, perhaps there is an edge of hysteria in there but I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and, when a moment later a small form slips in under my arm I hug Ruth tight and feel... free.

Sean makes tea. Whenever anything happens, good or bad Sean makes tea. It is his ritual, the way he distances himself from what is happening for a while and gets perspective. When we are all sitting around with steaming cups in our hands I turn to Ruth and Jacob... who are so much a couple now it hurt at first, until I got used to it and realised that I have no right to be jealous, especially now I have found love of my own. Again that little voice gets thrust back into its box.

“So what’s going on? What’s the problem?”

They exchange glances and carefully put down their cups. “It’s Caleb, Zac... Even though he’s in jail he... Well you know how it was. He was in control of everything. He dealt with all the business and no one else got to know anything other than what he wanted them to know. No one questioned, no one pried. Well... it seems that... that...” She pauses and looks at Jacob who smiles and nods, squeezing her hand. “Some of the things he did... they were not legal. He did bad things and now he’s told people... the authorities. He’s told them that we were all in on it and the police came.”

Anger bubbles to the surface, along with a memory. Suddenly I am back in the hospital, lying in my bed with the poison coursing through my veins, the pain already threatening to sweep me away, with Caleb’s face hanging over me.

“All in good time. For now content yourself with the knowledge that your friends are going to fail, fail utterly and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. I will make sure that things become difficult for them very quickly. There are things that I can tell the authorities that will have the community shut down in days.”

“You can’t go to the authorities. If you do you will be arrested.”

“Maybe I can’t go to them in person but I can send others. I can make anonymous calls. I can do a lot of damage to your precious community Isaac, and I will.”

“But why? What have they done to deserve it?”

“They turned their back on me. I have given them my life, everything I have. And what have they given to be in return.... betrayal. They turned on me, were ready to hand me over to the police and all because of you.”

“Oh God... he was telling the truth.”

I close my eyes and sag against Connor, resting my head on his shoulder.

“What do you mean?”

“When I was in hospital... when he came to me... he told me that he was going to damage the community, to have it shut down and destroyed because you turned your backs on him... because of me.”

“You don’t really think that any of this is your fault do you?”

I shake my head but I do... I do think that it was my fault. Oh... it wasn’t anything I could have helped, it wasn’t anything I had done... but it was because of me nonetheless... because Caleb hated me.

“What’s happened? Precisely... what happened?”

In an attempt to stop the tide that is rising in me I try to concentrate on what Ruth is saying, to give her the whole of my attention so there is nothing left to feel panic, to feel pain.

“The police came. Yesterday. They came and took away all our books... the computers... they said that they’d had an anonymous tip that we were engaged in illegal activities. They’ve take Abraham and Jesse and Micah... they’ve taken them away and no one will tell us where they are or what’s going on. We know it was Caleb, Zac... we just know it was.”

“I’m sure it was... but what you do think I can do?”

“You saw the books Zac... you know how they work. You know more about the affairs of the community that anyone...”

“Are you trying to say I was involved, that I...”

“No! Of course not. I know you wouldn’t but... no one else has a chance of fighting this... we don’t know enough... we’re not... we can’t...”

“Don’t worry Ruth. We’ll help you. We’ll get this sorted out somehow.”

I look up in surprise. Sean and Jon have grim looks on their faces but there are smiles too.

“I’ll contact my lawyer tomorrow and see what he can find out for you. The first thing is to do is find out what the charges are and then we can get our lawyers to check out the books and see what we can do about it. This is not something we can do by ourselves. Best leave it to the experts. But don’t worry... we’ll get it sorted one way or another.”

“Will you come back Zac? Please... everyone is in uproar... the community’s falling apart. We need you.”

“I...” I don’t know what to say. The truth is that this is the question I have been most dreading. I don’t want to go back. I don’t ever want to go back. The memory of Caleb would be everywhere. I couldn’t walk down the street, into a house, past the chapel without remembering him, remembering his face... in the courtroom, in the hospital. I couldn’t look at the chapel without thinking about how God had forsaken me and I couldn’t look at the faces of the community without thinking about how they had. There are so many memories and I’m not ready... I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to face them.

“Please Zac. I’m afraid... I’m afraid that the community is going to split apart. Already people are talking about leaving. They have been since... It’s the only home I’ve ever known. I don’t know what I’d do if... Oh... I’m so sorry Zac. I didn’t mean... I didn’t...”

Ruth starts to cry and Jacob puts his arm around her. She buries her face in his shoulder and he buries his in her hair. They are both embarrassed, ashamed... they are both vulnerable, afraid and ashamed. The chasm that was opening in front of my feet closes and I feel bad. These are my friends. They have always been my friends. It wasn't their fault that Caleb deceived them... he deceived me too.

And the community is my home... was my home... is a home. I know the people there. They are sweet and gentle and naive... they would be frightened. Every change frightens them, it always has. They are so insular and they don’t understand the outside world, don’t know how to deal with them. I can’t leave them to cope with that on their own. Another part of my fateful conversation with Caleb comes back to me.

I would love you to watch your precious friends flounder and fail but unfortunately you won’t be there.”

“How do you know? If they are in trouble maybe I will stay, help them. I can do the paperwork, deal with outsiders, lawyers. You have already taught me most of it yourself. I can figure out the rest.”

He had done his best to make sure I couldn’t do that. The last thing Caleb wanted was for me to be there for them, to help them... so that is exactly what I am damned well going to do.

“I’ll come. It’s alright... I’m scared and I don’t know how much good it will do... but I’ll come.”

They both look up and the expressions on their faces is priceless. I am glad. I made the right decision. And that certainty lasts for all of a minute until the reality hits home of what exactly it means. I am going back. I am going to do exactly the thing I swore I never would... Fuck!! I have to close my eyes because I can’t bear to see the expressions, the expectant and grateful eyes.... because suddenly I am terrified... absolutely fucking terrified. What have I done? My heart is racing and for the first time in ages it hurts.

“It’s alright Isaac. You don’t have to go if you don’t feel up to it.”

Not even Sean’s voice can cut through the terror this time. I’m going back... I’m going back to the community. I am going to face them, to look into their eyes again. I am going to walk down the street and past the chapel and into the meeting house and they are all going to be looking at me... just like they did the last time I was there... only that time I was leaving. Oh god... oh god, oh god, oh god.

“Take it easy Isaac... it’s okay. I know you’re scared... I can feel it in yer. You don’t need ter be scared, not of anything. Oi’m here now. I won’t let yer face that or yer own. I’m comin’... I’m comin’ wid yer.”

I turn to Connor and there is a look on his face that I haven’t seen before. It’s a kind of determination, a fierce protectiveness that takes my breath away. No one has ever looked at me like that before... as if they are going to protect me no matter what. My heart is full, too full to hurt any more. I love him so much. And that damn niggly little voice that keeps reminding me that he’s leaving is going to damn well stay in that box... at least until after... until after... until we get back.

“Thank you.”

I know he knows what I am thanking him for. He takes me in his arms and everything is okay... It doesn’t matter what happens at the community, none of it matters, if Connor is there it is going to be alright.

I close my eyes and rest my head against his shoulder, letting my breathing slow and my heart calm. I feel safe. For the first time in my life I feel really safe. Something tickles the back of my mind... something I should know, should realise... I brush it aside and just live in the moment. It is a wonderful moment

“Are you sure about this Zac... You don’t seem...”

“I’m scared Ruth. I’m not going to lie about that. I’m scared out of my mind.”

“But why? Caleb isn’t there any more.”

“No but... memories of him are everywhere. I can’t go anywhere in the community and not remember him there, not remember what he did... what... what...”

“What we all did.”

“No... yes... I... I don’t want to make you feel guilty Ruth... I don’t want anyone to feel guilty because I understand how it was... how Caleb can be... but... but I can’t pretend either. I was hurt... so hurt I wanted to die. I can’t forget that... I can’t pretend it didn’t happen because... because my... my heart, my mind... won’t let me.”

“Maybe... maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea...”

“I think it would be a really good idea, so I do. Isaac needs to face the past and this is as good a time as any for him to do it... wid me dere by his side. I want to be dere, so I do and dis is a good time. I feel it... a good time fer ye Isaac.”

I smile at his earnest expression, pushing aside that little voice that whispers, ‘there won’t be another time because he won’t be here’.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes... It’s going to be hard for me Ruth, Jacob... I can’t tell you that it isn’t. It’s going to be really hard and I am going to need you... all of you.”

“We’re here hun. We’ll always be here.”

I look around at the faces... Ruth, Jacob, Sean, Jon... and Connor, my Connor. I can do this... I know I can do this.

“I can do this.”