The Cockney Canuck - 12. Chapter 12 No Regrets

On Friday afternoon, I sat on the school bus watching it gradually empty on our way home. The cute blond kid had actually smiled at me as he got up to leave, I had been watching him all week and he knew it too. I was beginning to worry in case I was starting to freak him out, so a smile was reassuring. I didn’t want him to think that I was perving on him, even if that was exactly what I was doing. I knew that there was little chance of him being gay, in fact, I was beginning to wonder if there were any gay people at all in Cobourg, other than Daniel’s elusive friend Nathan and I wasn’t too sure if he was actually real.

It was the end of my first week at Stephenson and I decided that it had gone reasonably well, considering how bad it could have been. I had made a few friends and become a bit of an attraction, which I honestly wasn’t expecting. Most of this was because of Nicola, who had spent much of the week showing me off to her many friends, like some pet that she had been given for Christmas. She had been quick to understand the publicity value and rather than compete against me for the limelight, she had decided to deflect it instead onto her. She would introduce me as either her adopted brother, or her cousin, but I was always hers. Likewise, as far as the majority of students were concerned I was Nicola’s brother, Nicola’s cousin or Nicola’s brother from England. Whatever I was, it was always preceded by the word Nicola’s. It made me feel like I belonged to her and even Daniel noticed it.

It didn’t concern me that much, I was already making steady progress making my own friends and earlier that day Rory became the first name outside of the family to be entered into my phone book. We had swapped numbers in the locker room after our morning gym class. We seemed to get along quite well and we both liked football (soccer). These were two good reasons to become friends with him, but the icing on the cake had come in the showers a little earlier. I couldn’t help but notice that Rory wasn’t circumcised and from what I could see, he was the only boy in our gym class including me who wasn’t. It immediately reminded me of Tom, and from the very few casual glances that I was able to get away with, his todger actually looked very similar to the one that belonged to my best friend in England. As weird as it may seem in my warped and tormented mind, this was reason enough on it’s own to want to be friends with him.

* * * * *

On Saturday morning, I decided to go for a walk. It was something that I did quite regularly in London to clear my head, but it confused the hell out of everyone in the Taylor household. They wanted to know where I was going and when I told them that I didn’t know yet, it got them flustered even more. Apparently, people don’t just go for a walk without a reason in Canada. Well actually nobody walks, period, especially in the winter when it’s snowing. Except of course, if you happen to be English, in which case the worse the conditions, the greater the attraction. A case of mad dogs and Englishmen I suppose, but I found it invigorating. I think that I needed to get out of that stuffy temperature controlled environment for a while.

After lunch, Don came home and asked me if I could help him carry something from his car. I was sitting watching TV with Daniel, but Don only needed me apparently, so I dutifully ran upstairs to give him a hand. There were three big boxes that needed to be carried in and he asked me to take them downstairs.

“Where do you want me to put them,” I said, anxious to get back to the show that we were watching.

“In your room, Robbie,” he replied. “On your desk would be a good place.”

‘On my desk’?

I looked at the side of the box and read the label.

‘Fuck me, it’s a computer. An Apple desktop’.

“It’s a computer ...,” I said excitedly.

“It’s the same as my one,” said Daniel and he offered to help me set it up. I ran upstairs and into the kitchen where Don was making himself a drink.

“Did you just buy that?” I asked him.

“Well they don’t give them away you know,” he said, laughing. “I actually bought it in the week, but just got around to picking it up,” he said. “Do you like it?”

“Yes of course. Er did you buy...it...for me?”

He laughed. “Yes Robbie, I bought it for you. For your schoolwork and so that you can keep in touch with Tom. You’ll have the same internet access as Daniel, with parental controls of course.”

‘Of course’.

“Thank you,” I said. I didn’t know what else I should say so I just stood there. It didn’t seem right, him buying me stuff like that, especially expensive stuff. If it had been my mom who had bought it for me, I would have hugged her and then ran off to set it up. Don wasn’t going to get a hug from me, that was for sure, but I still felt as if it was a mistake somehow, as if I didn’t really deserve it.

Daniel helped set it up and then installed Skype for me, which was something that he had been promising to do for me on his computer.

‘Now I can call Tom and see him in the flesh, well in the flesh with cloths on. Unless he wanted to have some internet sex of something, I would do that if he wanted’.

I had sent him a text telling him that I would call him on Skype this afternoon at three, which would be early evening in the UK. I was looking forward to seeing my angel again. I wanted to tell him about the snow here and about my new school. I wanted to introduce him to Daniel, Amy and even Nicola and now he would be able to see the bedroom that I shared with Daniel. Above all though, I wanted to talk about us and how much I missed him and wished that he were here with me. I wanted him to know that I still thought about him every single day, morning, afternoon and night. Despite all that had happened in my life and all of the distractions, it was clear that I still missed him terribly and it wasn’t likely to go away anytime soon.

At exactly three o’clock in Cobourg, I nervously clicked on the call button that would take me back into Tom’s bedroom. It seemed to ring for ages before it finally connected and Tom’s image flashed up onto my brand new monitor.

“Tom,” I shouted, almost as if I were surprised to see him. He sat down to face the web cam and gave a huge smile, as he must have seen me as well.

“Hello geezer,” he said, “right on time?” He was wearing an oversized winter jumper and I suddenly remembered how cold it was in his room. He looked as sexy as ever though.

“How has it been over there, do you like it?” he asked.

“It’s okay,” I said, not wanting to sound too enthusiastic. “Tom” I said, “I want you to meet my cousin Daniel, we share a room together.” I wanted Tom to know that someone else was within earshot so that he would be careful what he said, and I remembered what Tom had said last week on the phone when he teased me about Daniel. They said hello to each other briefly, before Daniel told me that he needed to go somewhere and left me alone to talk with my friend. It was an excuse to give us some time alone, I knew it, and was grateful. He left the room and even closed the door behind him. Tom had already started filling me in on a couple of bits of school gossip that I had missed, but there wasn’t a lot to tell, it had only been a little over a week.

“I’m on my own now,” I said hoping that he might want to talk a bit dirty, but he didn’t say anything.

“I miss you Tom,” I said. “Especially at night, I don’t like sleeping alone; it’s lonely in bed without you.” I couldn’t help it, I had to tell him how I felt and I waited eagerly for a reply, but he took his time and looked a little embarrassed when I said that. I hadn't expected this reaction it was only a few days ago that we were declaring our love for one another. “I really miss holding you Tom, you know that don’t you?”

“I miss you too Robbie,” he said quietly. It made me wonder if there was anyone else there who could overhear us and I asked him this, but he told me that he was on his own.

“My last night there was pretty wild wasn’t it, It took me three days to recover.” I wanted to remind him of our last night together and what we were doing. For me that night had been the ultimate sexual experience. I didn’t think that I would ever be able to better that, and I didn’t really want to, not with anyone else anyway. I was hoping that this would relax him a bit, and he would let his guard down, but I got the impression that he didn’t really want to talk about it. He did laugh a little when I mentioned it though.

I waited patiently for him to say something, to respond, to say some of the things that he had said to me that night but he just sat there in silence looking very uncertain about how he should react. He looked as though he was a little ashamed of what we had done, and I couldn’t see why or how he could possibly feel that way. I had been looking forward to talking to him about it because he was the only person that I was able to talk about it too. Like everything else that had happened between us, this was our little secret but it had always been a real turn for me to talk about what we had done. Tom had been good at this, if anything, he had been the one who was most prepared to open up and discuss things. He had revealed his most intimate fantasies to me, and then we had tried to act them out. He was never shy then, and always trying to get me to be more open and relaxed, when it came to sex. We had slept together almost every night for nearly six weeks, and during that time, there could only have been only a handful of nights when nothing had happened. Most nights we would fall asleep clinging to each other, stuck together with a mixture of sweat and boy juices as Tom called it. It was an unbelievable experience, but we both knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

“Yeah well” he said, “a lot of crazy things happened between us.” I was waiting for more from him but he decided to change the subject. “How is your new school anyway, have you made any friends yet?”

I was mortified. It was a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone, but it wasn’t what I had been expecting to be talking to him about. This was the sort of conversation I would normally have with his mom and dad, but not Tom. He wouldn’t usually want to waste time talking about stuff like that, when he could be getting me aroused. I was more than a little upset by the way that he was acting, but I didn’t want him to think that I was annoyed with him. I still felt that I owed this kid so much for everything that he had done for me, and knowing Tom as well as I did, I was convinced that there had to be a reason for him to act this way. He would probably tell me later or another time. I decided to follow his lead as ever, and let him dictate the conversation.

“The school is the bollocks,” I said “it’s really new and big.” I couldn’t think of any other words to describe it. I had been thinking about what I would say to him all week and now I couldn’t think of a sodding thing, other than it’s really new and big. “I’ve made a few friends though, what about you?” It was a silly question to ask I knew all his friends but it’s not what I meant, I wanted to know if he was looking to get into a new relationship with anyone, but I knew it was too soon. He looked a bit puzzled and lost for words and that was just so unlike Tom. It was almost as though I was talking to somebody else who somehow had inside his body, and for the first time ever I started to feel nervous whilst talking to him. It was unfamiliar territory, I had been looking forward to seeing him again but this wasn’t Tom.

I was expecting us to continue where we had left off nine days ago at Heathrow, when I had to leave. This was a different Tom to the one that had thrown caution to the wind, and hugged and kissed me in full view of everyone as if to prove his undying love. This was a Tom who I had never seen before, who seemed to be almost uncomfortable talking to me, and who had so far, been cold, distant and very formal. I wanted to grab him, take him aside and hug him to find out what was wrong, but that was one of the drawbacks with Skype. I had to remember that we were still three and a half thousand miles away from each other.

I was searched for a reason, had I said or done anything to annoy him.

“What’s wrong Tom?” I had to know; my face was a lot more serious now. “You’re acting very strange towards me.”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“There is, have I done something to upset you? I need to know, just tell me if I have because I want things to be as they were between us and …”

“Robbie, wait calm down. You’ve done nothing wrong honestly, it’s not your fault and I’m not upset by anything that you’ve done. But you have to realize that things can’t be as they were anymore, we both know that.” There was a long silence before he continued slowly. “I’ve had time to think and work things out. What happened between us was an experience that I won’t forget, but I also need to put it behind me now and move on, just like you have.”

“You’re ending it?” I said.

“No Robbie, you don’t understand, there isn’t anything to end. I’m not dumping you or anything because we were never an item. We weren’t a couple, we never dated or went out with each other, we went to school that’s it and even then, it was always a big secret. We messed around a bit …”

“A bit?” I interrupted him, “you call that a bit?” I had tears in my eyes but I was determined not to cry.

“Okay it was a lot,” he smiled, and when he said that there was a familiar glint in his eye. I could see the old Tom suddenly appear, like seeing the sun come out after a heavy storm. “You know that I don’t regret any of it, don’t you? Neither am I ashamed of anything that happened between us because everything that we did together as far as I am concerned was beautiful, and if I had the chance to change things, then I wouldn’t change a single thing, except for maybe to take away your pain and hurt.”

He was back; this was the Tom that I had said goodbye to at the airport and the one that I had been expecting to talk to today. I could feel the love pouring out of him as he talked. Nobody could ever reduce me to tears so quickly with only a few well-spoken words. Maybe he had been rehearsing those words, maybe they had just come out, I don’t know but the effect was the same, and I sat at Daniel’s computer in tears.

I somehow knew all along that this would happen; it was stupid to believe otherwise. I had left England clutching at a dream that somehow we could still make it work, when it was impossible. Tom inevitably was right, we were never in a relationship and I shouldn’t have left myself so open. Yet Tom was the only thing I had and he made me feel like I was the luckiest person alive, when really my whole world had just caved in. How could I have not fallen for him?

My tears fell but I managed to pull myself together quite quickly, I knew that it would have hurt Tom to see me bawling, and I never wanted to do that. I loved him too much to do that.

Neither of us had talked for a long time. I knew that he was also upset but when I looked at him, his face showed no emotion. “Can we please keep in contact? I don’t want to lose you completely,” I said.

“Robbie, you're my best mate, you’ve been my best mate for years. Then suddenly things got weird between us for a while. There were reasons why this happened, but it wasn’t something that was ever going to last. We stopped at the right time, it was a good thing. If we hadn't have stopped we would have been found out,” he said. “My parents were starting to get suspicious towards the end. You knew that because it was you who was warning me.”

“It didn’t help the way you tried to stick your tongue down my throat at the airport you dork.” We both laughed.

“Yeah you’re right,” he said but even before that, they were asking some difficult questions, we would have been found out sooner or later and then the shit would have really hit the fan. It would have been bad for me Robbie, because I know now that I’m not gay or at least not in the same way as you. I can’t help it man, I just like girls you know. I always have and always will. For a while there you had me answering some serious questions and I was confused, but you’re the only guy who has ever made me feel that way and you’re probably the only guy that I would ever have done that with. You were right about me all along Robbie. You said that I wasn’t gay. You are my one and only boy. I hope that you take that as a compliment, because I don’t want you to ever hate me or think bad of me.”

“I will never ever hate you Tom. There is always going to be a part of my heart that belongs to you.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I knew that as soon as I hung up I would start thinking of all the stuff that I wanted to tell him, but at that moment, my mind was completely blank. I wiped away some of my tears with my sleeve and suddenly regretted using Skype.

‘I should’ve phoned him, that way he wouldn’t be able to see me in this mess’.

“We can be mates again like before if you want,” I said. “I think I can do that. I really want to keep in touch and I promise not to mention what happened, when things went weird between us, as you put it. I will always love you though Tom, just remember that okay. I will never say it again unless you change your mind one day. So make the most of this.” I drew a deep breath. “I...love...you...Tom.”

Now at last he was showing some sign of emotion. I had managed to get through to him. He had been fending off most of my jabs but now at last I had hit the target with a sucker punch and suddenly he was broken and had no way of recovering. If it were a boxing match, then this is the point that the towel would have come flying into the ring or the referee would have stopped the contest. He sat there crying for all he was worth. He put his hands over his face, got up and it sounded as if he had left the room.

I sat there looking at an empty chair, for five maybe ten minutes before he returned. I had never seen Tom that upset or cry like that before in all the years that I had known him and I wanted to hold him so badly that it physically hurt me not to be able to do so. I felt bad for insisting that he talked about it, but maybe it would be for the best, maybe he needed to get this off his chest in the same way that I did.

I always had the feeling that he wasn’t really gay. I had hoped that he was, but I knew deep down that this wasn’t the case. I had been enough to turn him gay if only for a short period of time but this thought didn’t bring me any satisfaction, and neither did seeing him so upset like that.

We had been talking for nearly an hour and it had been the most powerful and emotionally charged conversation that I had ever had. After Tom returned and regained his composure we both started to giggle at how we looked, it was almost a relief that these things had been said and the record put straight.

“At least now we can be friends again, and this can remain between us right?” he said. “Our little secret or big secret whatever.” I got the feeling that he was making sure that I still understood the rules and was prepared to stick to them in the future.

“Of course,” I said. “Don’t worry I’m not going to out you gay boy.” It was a deliberate reference to the words that he used on me when he had first offered me half of his bed on that cold December night in London. The night that started it all off, although I wasn’t sure if he quite got it.

I asked him how Arsenal had done earlier, and he shrugged his shoulders and pulled a face. It meant that they had lost again, it wouldn’t have helped him any.

How about Manchester United?” I said. He looked at me strangely and told me that they had won.

“Why did you want to know about them?” he said.

“There’s a boy in school whose family come from Manchester and he likes football,” I said. “He’ll probably give me an earful about the results on Monday.”

“See,” said Tom. “You're moving on already, making new friends. That’s how it should be; you have to move on mate. Is he nice looking?”

“Tom, please,” I said. “He’s just a friend, give me some credit. I’ve only been here a week. It’s going to take a lot longer than that to get over you.”

“Robbie, we’re just mates, remember. You don’t owe me anything; don’t ruin any chances that come your way because you think that you have to be loyal to me. Go for it mate. You're far too good looking to not have a boyfriend; I bet you’ve already showed up on few gaydars at your new school.”

I laughed. “I don’t know about that. Anyway I don’t think that he’s even gay.”

“Neither was I remember,” he said. “It won’t take you very long to meet someone, but when you do, you better not blow me out. I’ll want to meet him too.”

“You will,” I said, “courtesy of Skype.”

“And one more thing, you had better promise me that when the time comes, you will always be safe. You know what I’m talking about don’t you?”

“Tom, please, I’m not stupid, except with you that is.” I was sure that he was blushing. “I’ve got to go Tom; I want to clean myself up before Daniel gets back.” He looked panicked when I said that, as if he suddenly didn’t want me to go. It would surely be difficult for him being in that room alone where it had all happened, sleeping in that bed. I knew that it would have been too much for me.

“Keep in touch,” he said, “regularly.”

“I will.”

“Promise!” he said.

“I promise.”

“Robbie. Before I go...”

“What?”

“I will always love you too geezer. Forever!” and he was gone.

‘I know you will Tom’.

He always had to have the final word but I swear as he hung up he had tears rolling down that cute face of his again, and this was enough to send me into total meltdown. I cried just like he had done earlier and like he was probably doing right now. I knew that what had happened was the only thing that could have happened, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I missed him now more than ever knowing that the Tom that I had really loved was gone for good. We would probably talk again many times and I hoped we could somehow go back to being best friends, but I wouldn’t be able to ever put all that behind us like he wanted to, and I knew that neither would he.

I sat on my bed for at least two hours after that, maybe longer. I lost track of time, just staring into space thinking about everything that had happened to me recently. My mom, the hospital, moving in with Tom, Mr Jenkins, Nurse Alice, meeting Don and Sue, getting close to Tom, the social worker, coming over here, meeting my new family, starting my new school, Mr Andrews. It had all been a little bit too much I think for me to handle emotionally. Every so often, I would burst into another round of tears as I recalled one painful event after another. How could it be that someone like me who had never deliberately caused pain to anyone or anything in this world could be hurt so badly and so often? I must have done something wrong in a previous life or something to warrant this kind of punishment. I was completely absorbed in my thoughts and I hadn't even noticed it getting dark until the door opened and Daniel walked in, bathing the room in the light from outside and forcing me to cover my eyes.

“Robbie what the hell. What are you doing sitting in the dark dude?” he said laughing. It must have seemed funny to him, but his voice became a lot more serious after he switched on the light and saw my face.

“Are you okay?” he said. It would have been easy to see that I had been crying and was in a bit of a state. At least I had other reasons to cry which wouldn’t make it look so bad. He sat down on the bed next to me, but quite clearly felt uncomfortable. “Do you want me to get my mom?” he said.

“No,” I said, “I’m fine honestly, thanks anyway. I’m just feeling a bit tired I think, that’s all.” He didn’t believe this and I knew it.

“You don’t look so good,” he said, and there was real concern in his voice. I got the feeling that he genuinely wanted to help and after a while, he got up and went upstairs to make me a drink. Then he brought down some chicken and salad that Sue had made for us and we talked for a while about nothing important. Daniel was a very relaxed person to be around and I found his company comforting and undemanding. He didn’t ask me why I had been upset, but he insisted on me joining him in the family room that night to watch ‘Hockey Night in Canada’. It was the big game, the Maple Leafs against the Canadiens. Toronto against Montréal and Daniel promised me that it would be an exciting match, but it didn’t matter I was just grateful for the company that night and something to take my mind off Tom. We were joined by the effervescent Amy, who was allowed to stay up a little later on a Saturday. She sat between us in her cute pyjamas and cheered for both teams. The Maple Leafs were Daniel’s team and he was a serious fan, he had all kinds of souvenirs hanging on the wall in the bedroom. Toronto was the local NHL team but I quite liked the red uniforms of the Canadiens so to make it interesting I became a Montreal fan. It was that rivalry thing again, we would never be able to support the same team. It was generally good-natured but competitive and on this occasion, Montreal won a fairly close game. It was fun to watch, but I was a long way from being converted. It was a lot different from watching Match of the Day, the BBC’s tame Saturday night football highlights show.

I thought that Daniel was so sweet because he hardly knew me at all, but there he was getting all worried about me. I wondered if he would have been so concerned if he had known the reason why I was so upset and much to his credit, I think the answer is probably yes. His and Amy’s friendship meant a lot to me that evening. It was how I had always imagined a family to be like when I was younger. I knew it wasn’t a true representation of most families and I was still a long way off from a time when I would truly feel as if I belonged there, but it was a start.

When the game ended Daniel chased Amy upstairs threatening to tickle her before coming back to sit next to me on the sofa.

“Thanks for helping me with the computer and setting up Skype for me earlier.” I said.

“It’s okay dude, I don’t mind.” He wanted to say something else and I could see that he was a little uncomfortable with it. “Robbie. If you’re ever feeling upset about anything or homesick or anything like that, you don’t have to sit on your own. You know that right. I mean if you’re feeling a bit down or something, just tell me and we can watch a game together like tonight, or a movie, play a video game or even talk if you want to. I mean if it’s something that you don’t wanna talk to mom and dad about. You can talk to me dude.”

I got the feeling it wasn’t easy for him to say that, but he did and I respected him for it.

“Thank you Daniel, I appreciate that.”

“Or we could always go outside in the snow where I can whip your ass again,” he laughed and ran away as I threw a cushion at him. He had made a joke out of it at the end so that it didn’t sound too soft. The cushion came flying back to me hitting me squarely on the head.

“Right,” I said, “that is a declaration of war.” I armed myself with as many cushions as I could carry and chased him around the room. Daniel managed to dodge all of my efforts before getting me again on the head with one of his shots. I grabbed his arm before he could release another at point blank range, pulling him onto the floor where we wrestled each other on the rug. It was all in fun of course and we were both laughing continuously, but we were also trying as hard as we could, neither one wanting to lose. He was strong and at one point, I thought he had me beat for sure, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t push home his advantage and I was able to roll him onto his back and pin him down by his arms while sitting on his chest. It was exactly what he had done to me the week before in the snow.

“You win,” he said as we caught our breath but I gave him a suspicious look. I was certain that he had let me win in the end. It was a nice of him to do that to make me feel better, but not necessary. I actually wouldn’t have minded being pinned to the floor by a half-naked Daniel but that’s another matter.

“Can you get off me now?” he asked.

“What? Oh yeah of course sorry,” I said. I had been daydreaming, lost for a moment in those icy blue eyes of his as I looked down at him. Now I forced myself to break my stare as we both picked ourselves off the floor.

‘I hope I didn’t freak him out just then by staring at him. Especially after he had been so nice’.

I couldn’t help it sometimes this kid was just so bloody cute that it was impossible for me not to stare like that. I needed to be a bit more careful though or he was going to find out about me for sure. It wasn’t as if I would ever have done anything with Daniel. He was my cousin at the very least and there was a very good possibility that he would soon become my adopted brother. As that evening had proved, I needed a brother more than I needed a lover. It was way too soon for us to be really close, but I did like Daniel and I was beginning to warm to idea of us being brothers.

If this happened then I was sure that as we became closer I would eventually see him and love him as my brother and not in any other way. I really wanted this and I wanted to be a part of the family too. I just wasn’t prepared to admit that I wanted this, not to them and not even to myself, not yet anyway.

I didn’t really know why this was the case maybe I was still a little scared to let go or maybe because it was because I felt disloyal to my mom, like I was trying to replace her and forget about her. Maybe I just enjoyed playing the victim. I think that I just needed a lot more time to work everything out and accept all the changes in my life.

One thing that I was certain about now was that Tom and I were destined not to be together in the way that I had somehow hoped that we would. What had happened between us had been beautiful, those were the very words that he had used earlier today as he tried to let me down as gently as he could. Tom had made it clear that it couldn’t have carried on even if I had stayed and if as he believed he was straight then it was obvious that our days as lovers were always numbered.

I had admitted to myself that the only reason that I didn’t want to leave England was Tom. Once my mom had gone there was nothing left to keep me there. I had tried to be homesick but there was nothing that I really missed about London or England and I seriously doubted if there ever would be. Life over here was much better, I knew that and my mom had known it too. It had been the right decision to move here even if I didn’t understand it at the time.

That afternoon Tom had taken away the only reason that I had to want to return to the UK. Now everything I had was in Canada, and I knew then that with the exception of a few holidays abroad this was where I would probably remain for the rest of my life. I would definitely stay in contact with Tom hopefully forever, but I had the feeling that we could only really do this over the internet or telephone. Seeing him in person would have been too much for me to take. At least I now had something sorted out in my head. As much as it hurt me to think about it, that episode with Tom was over and could now be filed in a place where only I could access it. I would always love him for being the angel that I needed during the most difficult time of my life. I had no doubt at all that he had been my saviour during that time. He had been there throughout for me like a shining light of hope during the darkest days of my life. He never gave up on me and I would always love him for it. The strange thing was I believed that he felt the same way. I will never be able to explain our relationship to anyone because I still haven’t quite been able to work it out myself.

Once we had tidied up a bit, we switched off the lights, called out goodnight to Don and Sue upstairs and moved to the bedroom to get ready for bed. This would be a test for me as I found myself suddenly having to get changed at the same time as Daniel. I had so far managed to avoid this since getting here but there was no getting out of it this time without making myself look like a prude. I knew that Daniel had no hang ups at all and wasn’t the least bit concerned about stripping off in front of me. I had seen him naked a couple of times in the week as he returned from his morning shower in a mad rush removing his towel to dry himself as soon as he had shut the door his willy swinging from side to side as he struggled to find his pants or boxers that he had left lying around someplace. If he were a bit more organised like me, then this wouldn’t happen, but I wasn’t going to complain and it actually kind of amused me more than anything else. I did notice though that he had quite a nice package for a fourteen-year-old, and I was reasonably impressed by what I had seen of my soon to be brother.

As much as I admired Daniels’s easy going approach to nudity, I wasn’t about to start behaving in the same way anytime soon and after walking into Nicola on Monday in just my bath towel, I had taken to drying myself and getting dressed in the small confines of the bathroom.

Everyone has their hang ups I suppose, I just happened to have more than most and I decided to play safe and abandon my trusty PJ bottoms as I stripped down to my boxers and jumped into bed.

“You forgot to switch the light off dude,” said Daniel who was already in bed; the switch was by the door on my side of the room.

“Shit.” I said and he laughed as I made a dart to the switch and back.

‘Why do their light switches work in the opposite direction to ours’?

Before falling asleep that night my last thoughts were reserved for Tom. The boy, who had meant so much to me, for so long. After my mom died, he showed me a love that I never knew existed and brought me pleasures that I could not have imagined. I thought it odd the way that I had only just started to realise how much I actually loved him, now that he was gone.

I missed that boy so much and I wondered if I would ever be able to replace him. Tom was on my mind all night as I replayed our times together again and again in my head. There were times when I couldn’t help giggling to myself at some of the things that we had done. There were other times where I had just been so full of admiration for him, that it was hard to think of them without being choked up. He was the gayest straight boy that I had ever met or maybe it was the other way round.