To Sammy With Love - 17. Chapter 17

“Believe me Karl, when I heard about Maria, I was shocked. Stunned more like. It must’ve been a crushing blow, coming on top of your own medical problems. I don’t think I could handle all that. How are you feeling now?” Before answering Karl looked around at the patrons of the Seaford pub’s ‘pokies’ room. No one seemed to be listening in.

“How am I? Not sure. To tell the truth, I’m just going through the motion of breathing - it was cruel - hugely cruel. I got pissed and disgraced myself at the Dava.”

“Don’t blame you. No one deserves to have to cop anything like that. I don’t think my problems are anywhere near as bad. I didn’t know whether you’d want to meet up. You’ve got enough to contend with without me bothering you.”

“Hey Pete - I’m the one that should apologize. All the time you were trying to help me with my problems; you were struggling to come to terms with your own. No. You’ll never ‘bother’ me. You’re my best mate. Always will be.”

“Thanks for that. You don’t know how much that means to me. Right now, the only friends I’ve got left are Sammy, Billee and - you. So many times, I wanted to tell you I’m Gay - so many times. Shit I came so bloody close at times, but I held back thinking I’d lose your friendship. And that was very important to me. Still is. But I didn’t come here to talk about me. My situation is looking better as each day goes by. But you. Hell - I’m worried you might do something silly.”

“You mean like topping me self?” When Peter nodded, Karl continued. “Nah, I think I’ve passed that bridge. But, being honest I went close, very close. I’ve never known such despair before. Not real. The sort of despair that robs you of breathing and the ability to think. Never been there before. Hope I never will. It’s a bad place.”

Changing direction Peter asked --

“I assume, at some stage, you’ll be getting a divorce. I know it’s too soon after the shock, but the solicitor I’ve got is terrific. When you’re ready, I’ll give you his name and number. His fees are reasonable too.”

“Thanks for that. I want someone who’ll handle the whole matter for me. Honestly Pete, I don’t think I can face Maria again. I guess that makes me a squib. And I definitely don’t want to have anything more to do with her family. Sammy’s agreed to be a go-between, because he understands how I feel.”

“Yeah - that works. With Sammy being Maria’s cousin, it puts him in a nice position. I’m sure Sammy will get some jollies out of sticking it to his relatives. The way they treated him was disgraceful. He’s a good young lad is our Sammy.”

“Why do I detect wistfulness in your voice when you talk of Sammy? I thought you and he were in love?”

Peter became thoughtful before he answered. This was something he didn’t want aired, but then, Karl was his best mate. Looking and sounding a little subdued, Peter responded with,

“It’s a good question. Looking back over events, I realize now that Sammy was a sort of catalyst. His coming into my life gave me the courage to admit I’m Gay. To ‘come out’ if you will. But, and Sammy himself agrees with me, I’ve got a lot of problems to solve before I can‘settle down’. And to be honest mate, I don’t know if I want to settle down and have a relationship long-term. I don’t think I can. But don’t get me wrong - Sammy is still very special to me. I’ll be extremely happy if he finds someone he can have a proper relationship with.”

“You know,” laughed Karl. “You and I are great mates, but we’re so different. You don’t want a close live-in relationship, whereas I do. I’m a homemaker. I want to come home each night into a happy domestic environment. And it doesn’t have to be gender based. My driving force is the relationship and finding the right person who shares my needs.”

‘Wait - Hey, are you saying that you could have a relationship with a guy? You could have a homosexual relationship? I never knew that. And all these years I’ve lusted after you, I could’ve had my wicked way with you. Now you tell me.”

At this Karl laughed. Peter was so uncomplicated - for a Gay man. Taking a long swallow of beer, Karl sort of lectured,

“See, there you go Pete. You’re talking about casual sex, and casual encounters, whereas I’m talking about sex in a relationship. There’s a big difference. I’m not sexually driven - I’m relationship driven. Can you understand that?”

“Well excuse me, daddy; this is all so new to me. You’re saying that you couldn’t have casual sex with me, but if we’re in a relationship, I could have as much of you as I wanted?”

“Yes - why is it so hard to believe? Sex is simply a logical extension of love, isn’t it? Its nature’s way of relieving the passion and tension that builds up between two people. And don’t tell me you haven’t been there yourself. Think back to other instances and you’ll realize relationship sex is vastly different to casual sex.”

For a moment, Peter just sat and looked as Karl took a drink of beer. Karl’s emotions were raw right now. Peter should be careful. But,

“Karl, that’s bullshit ‘ol buddy. Just bullshit. Or you’re naive. I think what your saying is just a nice way to cover your latent homosexuality. Remember you’re looking at a person who’s put a lid on his passion, effectively, for a long time. Too long”

“Do you think that? That I’m covering up for being Gay? You could be right. I’ve been having some explicit dreams of late. But I’ve never felt the need to go chasing casual sex to vent my passions. Never. I was happy with Maria until the whole focus on our relationship became just to get pregnant. Look, there’s a lot I don’t understand about myself. You could be right.”

Silence.

Eventually Peter broke the tension and said,

“Shit we’re getting heavy. Sorry, I came here to cheer you up - not challenge your sexuality. My apologies, good friend.”

“No, No - It’s cool. I need someone to talk to. And to talk with. What you’ve done is to get me to think positively, and not continue being mired in self-pity. Thanks.”

“What about Sammy? How do you feel about Sammy? From what you’re saying you and Sammy could have a relationship. You’re both after the same thing.”

Unexpectedly, Karl felt a small twinge. What Peter was saying, actually felt good. Abruptly, feelings that were in the background, suddenly surfaced. Sammy?

“Yeah - It’s a possibility” Karl managed “But how would you feel?”

“Well, being human I’d be jealous. But I know that Sammy and I can’t have a relationship right now, just casual sex. And that’s not what Sammy wants. He’s been very emphatic on that. So I have to respect his feelings. Are you considering?”

“It’s crossed my mind - actually from the first day I met Sammy something ‘zinged’ within me. I felt an empathy with him. Like a soul- mate. It’s hard to explain.”

“No it isn’t,” laughed Peter. “I reckon you’ve explained yourself real well. What are you gonna do about Ron. Thump him?”

“Nah, not worth it. Yeah, at first I wanted to clobber him but after I cooled down, I felt like it just wasn’t worth it. He’s got to live with Maria and her family now - He’s welcome to her and them.” Karl changed the subject--

“Well, enough of that. Tell me what’s been happening to you. You said that things are getting better all the time. What did you mean by that?” “Arrh well, like I just said, I realize that getting into a relationship with Sammy or anyone else for that matter is just not for me. Right now, I’m happy having my freedom at last. I love being with Billee, we get on just fine. I’m free to be myself and not lie to others, or myself. I can’t tell you how good that feels.” Here Peter paused collecting his thoughts. Karl waited until --

“It’s the kids, my girls. I couldn’t give a shit about Brenda but I’m very sensitive about hurting my girls. They mean so much to me. I mean, I can’t change anything, nor control how they feel about me. All I can do is show them I care, regardless of what they might think about me. I’m going to love them even if there’s no reciprocation. In time, I hope they’ll think less bitterly about me.”

“Shit mate, that’s very mature. You’ve really grown as a person since you ‘came out’. Congratulations.”

“Karl, please don’t flatter me - It goes to my head”, laughed Peter. “Anyway, there’s one more factor that I’ve recently discovered. Billee’s got a son, name of Luke, who’s got AD & D. I won’t bore you with details but he’s grown up with only his mother to relate to. His father has virtually abandoned him. Anyway, I took him to the footy last Saturday and we spent the game in MPRE’s private box at the MCG. The kid loved it. He was wide-eyed with wonder. It made me feel good just to see him so happy. What I’m trying to say is I want to spend more time with him, as he grows up.”

“Wow, Pete - That’s great. That’s really great. Yeah, I met Billee briefly at the hospital and she seemed a likable sort. And Sammy speaks very well of her. Just a warning from a friend. Don’t get to close or too involved. Get your own life sorted out first.”

“Well, that’s the weird part. Guiding Luke through his early manhood troubles is a focus I need to truly get my life sorted out. You should meet him Karl. He’s so open and trusting you just want to try and protect him. The only problem will be that when he finds out I’m Gay. He’ll be hostile. But then Billee has brought him up to have an open mind. Of course, I’ll have to combat destructive gossip that I’m a pedophile. But I’m not too much worried about that. When shit happens, I’ll just flush it down the loo.”

“Hey,” said Karl. “This has been great. It’s been great just sitting here and talking. I’m proud of you Pete - you’ve faced up to your problems and, from what you tell, it’s going real good. And I feel better too. I’ll think about what you said before. Thanks again”

“Well, all I can say Karl is - go live your life the way you want to. Ignore the Naysayers. Life’s too short. But times getting on and I’ve got to drive back to Melbourne.”

“Shit- I hadn’t thought about that. I’m cabbing. Are you Ok to drive?”

“Oh yeah, I reckon. I’ve only been drinking ‘lite’ beer. If I’m breathalysed, I’ll be Ok.”

When Peter departed Karl stayed on for a short while, thinking about Peter’s comments. Not that there was much to think about. It was clear as crystal. Sammy?

Why hadn’t I seen this before? Thinking back, I’ve had special feelings for Sammy since he came over from Perth. And the dreams I’ve been having, about guys. I remember each time I dreamed, I was left with a feeling of unease. Is my subconscious forcing me to confront the truth that I love Sammy? Peter’s right. We are good for each other. And I recall Sammy telling me he loved me the night of Maria’s bombshell. I feel a bit weird. And wonderful. I haven’t felt like this for a long time.

And he turns me on. Physically. I could passionately make love with him. What a beautiful couple we would make.

Sammy was in the kitchen cleaning up when he heard a car pull up. Soon after, Karl came into the kitchen and Sammy asked,

“Well, how did it go?” then turning around to face Karl. “Are you pissed?”

“Really good and No”, answered Karl. “I’ve been such a fool, Sammy, such a bloody stupid fool.”

“How so? Why do you say that?”

“Well, Pete and I talked, and talked honestly with each other. Our conversation eventually turned to relationships, something that’s been a large issue, of late. We’re great mates but we differ in a very basic way. Peter has been, and perhaps always will be, focused on casual sex and casual encounters. I’m totally different. All I’ve ever wanted in my life is a good solid long-term relationship. And, talking with Peter, I realized that everything I want is right here.”

“Karl, what the fuck are you talking about? You’re confusing me. What relationship are you talking about?”

“With you Sammy, with you. Ever since you came into my life, I’ve been blinded by other traumatic events. I remember when you first came down for Jim’s party; I experienced a ‘twinge’, a jolt, when we met. And over the past few months, aided by all the things that’ve happened, my feelings for you have grown. I told you before I had a sexual encounter with a guy some time ago, long before I met Maria. We had a close relationship, which just, very naturally, became sexual. We were inseparable. I can remember being really happy. But, we were young and then (pause) . . . he got killed in a car crash. His name was Anthony - Tony.”

Walking over closer to Sammy, Karl continued,

“I was totally distraught and, being immature, I didn’t hide my feelings. I ended up telling my father about the relationship, which was homosexual. It didn’t faze my father, as he considered it as part of growing up. In fact I had less trouble telling my dad about Tony, than I had telling him I was barren. In his eyes, being barren was much worse. But I’m digressing.”

Closer now-

Sammy’s heart was hammering in his chest. He couldn’t trust himself to speak as Karl continued-

“Then I met Maria. Initially, I thought Maria would satisfy my relationship needs, but eventually I realized, to her, I was just a piece of meat - a means of becoming a mother. Our relationship died when we found out I was barren. Then when you came on the scene, I didn’t recognize my feelings at first, because they were clouded by other events. I’ll never forget the night you were assaulted. Never. I drove into the hospital with a feeling of dread. And then, at the hospital, Peter‘came out’ admitting he was Gay - and in love with you. In all the drama and confusion, I suppressed my feelings once again. You see Sammy, at every step of the way, something always intervened and made me hide my own basic feelings.”

This isn’t happening thought Sammy. This can’t be happening. Please, if this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.

Now Karl could almost touch Sammy, as he continued -

“But talking with Pete really gave me focus. I realized that - I love you Samuel. Ich liebe dich. I’ve loved you from the start. Can you forgive me for being so dense?”

Silence

This continued until Karl anxiously said - “Say something Sammy - please”.

“I can’t - I’m frightened I might wake up.”

Was this a dream? Would I wake up soon and wistfully recall details of the dream. But no, this wasn’t a dream. Karl had finally opened himself up to reveal the human person within. I can sense Karl’s vulnerability - the little boy having a ‘crush’ on a friend and having to deal with such a traumatic loss in his formative years. And the strong underlying relationship with his father. Then his basic motivation, his basic need - to find a kindred soul to share his dreams. I also recognize his fear - that his physical good looks could betray him and only attract people who were merely interested in a casual encounter.

With faltering words Sammy managed,-

“I’ve already said I love you Karl. I told you the night you came home from Maria’s. You wouldn’t remember. I didn’t think it possible to love you more, but now I do. I reckon I feel like a silly teenage girl, experiencing love for the first time. Is it true? That you love me and want to have a relationship? Because that’s what I want too. Every casual encounter I’ve ever had was, hopefully, to find someone I could settle down with. I love you Karl. I’m so bloody happy I could wet myself.”

As if on some basic instinct, Karl pulled Sammy into him and they kissed. That first kiss gave promise of all the beautiful things to come. Sammy surrendered and simply returned Karl’s passion.

Lifting Sammy’s face so that their eyes made contact, Karl gently licked away some tears, which had escaped onto Sammy’s cheeks, and whispered -

“As you no doubt have noticed, my cock is about to burst. Is there anything you can do to fix the problem?”

“Follow me,” was Sammy’s hoarse reply. And taking Karl’s hand, they both fled into the bedroom.

With clumsy hands, Sammy started to strip Karl down. First his shirt, then his jeans and shoes. Now Karl stood before him, naked except for his ‘jockeys’.

My god he’s stunning, thought Sammy. Just looking at him makes me gasp.

In response, Karl gently removed Sammy’s clothes, helped clumsily by Sammy. Taking charge, Karl traced every part of Sammy’s body with his tongue. Licking one of Sammy’s nipples, he gently blew on the nipple. To Sammy, it was an incredible sensation. Even though his fingers were knotted and blunt from manual labor, Karl’s touch was very gentle. Sammy started to moan under this onslaught of bliss. “Karl, I don’t think I can hold back - I’m ready to pop. Please lie on top of me and let me feel your whole body on mine. That’s how I want to climax.”

As Karl complied, Sammy thrust his groin against him and began to stimulate himself to orgasm. When it came, he cried out in passion with a voice choked with ecstasy - and lay immobile as the frenzy of his release subsided. Far, far away, he could see Karl’s face responding to the waves of pleasure engulfing his own body.

Now Karl, slowly at first, started to thrust himself against Sammy. All negative thoughts of being barren and Maria’s betrayal were cast aside. He was lost in passion, but was able to return Sammy’s kiss. Now he could feel his own orgasm closing in on him and his thrusting became more urgent. Events of the past few months had denied him any release of passion so he quickly reached a point of no return. His climax burst through his body accompanied with a loud bellow. And he continued groaning with ecstasy, until his shuddering orgasm was reduced to a plaintive whimper.

Side by side they lay as the last vestiges of their euphoria subsided. Neither wanted to speak, being afraid of breaking the magic of the moment.

Eventually Sammy managed, in a very low voice, to say -

“Now that your physical needs are satisfied, are you sure you still want a relationship with me?”

Karl didn’t answer straight away and Sammy was about to repeat his question when Karl responded softly with a smile in his voice -

“Firstly, my physical needs are never satisfied. I love sex. And I love to experiment. I might be barren but that’s been compensated with a high sex-drive. Secondly, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want a relationship with you. You’d better get that through your cute little head.”

And Karl fell silent obviously deep in thought, so Sammy didn’t interrupt. Eventually -

“I’ve been having dreams about guys. I was afraid to interpret them so I just ignored them. Now I know that my subconscious was leading me to you. I think now, we should disclose to each other all about our pasts - leaving nothing out. Nothing. And our future - we need to divulge to each other our dreams and what we each want out of life. I believe that’s important. Whatever your dreams and ambitions are, I’m gonna be here to help you achieve those goals. And vice versa.

And so they did. A true relationship requires openness and honesty. To know the real person, not just the physical person.

Eventually, exhausted by emotion and exhilarated by their sexual encounter they fell sound asleep in each other’s arms.

But not for long.

Next morning, after a strenuous night, the atmosphere was a little surreal - a teaspoon of normality mixed with a tablespoon of bliss. They prepared to go to work knowing that their lives had changed - for the better. Karl was happy. Instinct told him that a life with Sammy would be one of fulfillment. But something was missing. He needed to give Sammy a gift or some present to signify his love and commitment.

As they drove along to the work-site, he had his answer. Around 10, Karl told Sammy he was going to run an errand.

Sammy and the rest of the gang just kept on working and were still at it when Karl got back around one o’clock.

On the way home Sammy sensed something different about Karl. He was like a little boy nursing a cherished secret. Sammy asked,

“Karl - Is anything wrong? You seem in a strange mood. You’re not having second thoughts are you?”

“Nope - everything’s fine. I hope it’s gonna get better.”

When they got home, Karl disappeared in the direction of the laundry whilst Sammy headed for the kitchen. He actually enjoyed cooking - it was a challenge to make simple good food. His mother was a champion. She could take the simplest of ingredients and make a meal fit for a King. Busying himself with potatoes he didn’t hear Karl enter the kitchen until,

“Hey Sammy look. Look what I found in the laundry.”

Sammy turned round and - Froze. There, in Karl’s hands - and squirming ferociously - was a little puppy dog. A white puppy dog, just a baby. Karl was wearing a huge grin. All Sammy could say was

“What’s that? Karl what have you done? Oh my god - I don’t believe it. A puppy - Whose is it?

“It’s ours stupid. Or I should say yours. It’s a present from me to you. I didn’t have time to get a card. It doesn’t matter. It simply would have said,

“To Sammy, with all my Love – Karl.”

“Karl, I don’t know what to say. I’ve always wanted a dog but -” But before Sammy could say any more, Karl kissed him gently and lovingly on his lips and said,

“I love you Sammy. I really love you. I bought the dog to show you how much I love you. We both belong to you. The dog and me. Just tell us you love us Sammy - That’s all we want to hear.”

“Love you Karl? Love You? I’ve loved you ever since I first saw you. But I have to say that I’m scared. Scared that something is gonna happen to burst my bubble of joy. From the bottom of my heart Karl, I love you and promise I’ll do everything in my power to make our relationship eternal. Karl - oh shit Karl, I love you.”

“That’s all I need to know. Hey, what about a name for the pooch. Anything in mind?”

“Yep, I’d like to call him ‘Samson’. That Ok?”

“Done. Hello Samson - welcome to our family.”