Out of His Mind - 1. Prologue and Chapter 1 - Going Home

Prologue

Sean and I... It sounds funny now that there is no us any longer, but back then we simply just stayed together, grew into a couple and married. Life was sweet and happy. I continued to work as a model, and he wrote and painted. Our lives were filled with work, parties, laughter, love and joy – mostly.

We’d been together about two years when things slowly began to change; Sean changed – he began to show a mean side.

Then he got violent.

The first time he hit me, he’d been irritated all morning. He wouldn’t tell me why. We were in the kitchen; I was making lunch. Sean was drinking – a lot.

“Do you want chicken or beef, babe?” I asked him.

“Make what ya, want Tait. I’m not bothered.” He was starting to slur.

“Okay.” I decided on the roast beef with English mustard. Sean’s favorite.

“Remember, we have that dinner tonight.” He was checking the calendar on his phone.

Dinner? “What dinner?” I placed the top slice on his sandwich, and turned to look at him.

The table shook when he banged his fist on it – the glass vase rocking dangerously. “What!” He was on his feet. “What the feck did you say?”

I backed up. “I don’t remember any dinner, Sean.”

As the backhanded blow hit my right cheek, I dropped the butter knife. Yellow mustard skidded across the vanilla-colored marble floor.

As I say, this was the first time he hit me, but not the last…

Sean’s face was twisted and burgundy – his hands were at my throat. I was terrified. My head was spinning but I managed to knee him, and he let me go. He dropped to his knees, right into the mustard. My bright red blood dripped and I remember thinking it was pretty next to the yellow.

Chapter 1

Going Home

Tait sat on the side of his hospital bed, right leg under him, the other dangling – with only the toes of his black-sock-clad foot touching the cool tiled floor. He was dressed in blue jeans and a red cotton crew neck sweater. In his right hand he held a plastic coffee cup; now and again he sipped from it – grimacing with each swallow. He stared out the room’s large picture window, at nothing, just as he’d done for several months.

At the end of the bed was his suitcase, packed – though not well. T-shirts and track bottoms were rolled up or tossed in; socks and underwear were thrown in haphazardly. Books, mostly unread sat on top, along with his tablet and the charger. In the zippered sleeve on the inner top of the case was a pad of paper, a crossword book, a bag of butterscotch candy, a pen and mechanical pencil. He was ready to go home.

‘Philip should be here soon,’ Tait thought. Absently, he reached up with his left hand and rubbed the jagged scar on his cheek. It didn’t hurt so much now. Just like his other injuries – this had healed. It wasn’t physical injuries however that were hard to deal with, it was his mind. He felt wetness on his cheeks and knew he’d begun to cry. Putting the cup on the bedside table, he wiped the tears away. ‘Stop it, Tait, for fuck’s sake. You’re a grown man!’

The truth was he didn’t feel grown. He felt frightened and alone, and he didn’t want to go home. The hospital was safe; it was comforting to his healing psyche that the patients – clients – woke at 7 a.m., washed and dressed, went for breakfast by 8 a.m. – the day was all planned, nothing was left to chance. It was the routine he wanted, and home was not routine.

The silence of the room was broken by the swish of the door, and the soft squishy sound of the nurse’s shoes. “Mr. Adamsen? Dr. Appel will be in to finish ….” She was concerned because Tait hadn’t turned to her. “Oh, the doctor isn’t here yet. Tait? Are you all right?”

She walked around the bed to stand in front of him. Finally, he glanced up at her and gave her a small smile. “I’m okay, Marilyn. I’m just thinking about going home.”

Reaching out, she laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. She said softly, “It will be fine, Tait. You are ready.”

Sighing, he looked up at her. “I don’t feel like going home. I don’t even have a home.”

“You’re staying with Philip, in his home. It will be all right, Tait. Trust me.”

<<>*<>>

Marilyn had grown fond of Tait. He’d been so withdrawn and hurt when he arrived into her care, she’d been worried the real Tait would never surface. His body had been badly beaten and broken but he’d healed. Mentally however it was a different story. Weeks had passed before he’d responded to her at all and then just to pull himself up to pick at his food. She had come in one day to find him rolled into a ball on the bed, crying piteously. He’d jumped when she touched him, but he hung onto her hand when she offered it.

The world knew who he was; it had never been a secret. Many women had followed his career, he was so handsome, and when Tait Adamsen had said to the press that he and Sean O’Grady were a couple, well it had been no surprise. They’d been paparazzi fodder for months.

They had been such a Cinderella couple, she had hardly dared believe that it could all go so badly after they married. But it had.

Sean O’Grady was not the man that would pick up Tait today; in fact, O’Grady had not come to visit or even called. He’d been arrested for the assault, but Marilyn thought there was much more to it. They hadn’t kept him in jail long though, and she wasn’t sure Tait knew his husband was free.

<<>*<>>

Squeezing Tait’s shoulder a little harder, Marilyn was rewarded with a tiny smile. “What time will Philip be here?”

Tait continued to stare out of the window. “He said he’d be here about 4:00 p.m.”

“So, in about forty-five minutes.” Marilyn glanced at her watch. “I’ll go and try to find what’s keeping the doctor.”

Tait heard the door close. His shoulders sagged and he continued his vigil.

“Just make sure that all his prescriptions are ready.” Voices grew louder as the door opened. Dr. Appel entered followed by Marilyn.

“Yes, Doctor.” Marilyn stood to one side while Dr. Appel approached Tait.

The psychiatrist wasn’t a quiet speaker and his booming voice never failed to make Tait jump.

“So you’re packed and ready to leave us, Tait. “ The doctor regarded at the young man fondly. “Don’t look so worried, you’ll be fine with your friend Philip. He seems to be a good guy and he cares about you.”

Tait eyed his doctor. Robert Appel wasn’t tall but he was broad, and his white lab coat wouldn’t button up. His smile was always warm and it felt real to Tait.

“I’m just a little bit nervous, Doc. I’ve been here for what, two months?”

Appel rubbed his patient’s back. “Closer to five now, Tait. Remember, we spoke about this a few days ago.”

In response to his doctor’s words, Tait dropped his head into his hands; he was disappointed his memory had let him down once again. With eyes filled with tears he stared at Dr. Appel and said, “Will this ever get better? Will I ever be able to remember what someone tells me three days later?”

“Tait. You’ve improved. Healing the mind is a slow process. Try to be patient with yourself.”

Nodding, Tait wiped his eyes. “And will this fucking crying ever stop?”

“Tait, I have no way to tell you for sure that will happen. I’ll continue to see you and work with you once you’re home. But it’s time for you to go back to the real world.”

“I know, but I’m scared, Doc.” Tait rubbed his scar. “I don’t want to go home. It’s too open, too free.”

Appel felt helpless sometimes with patients who suffered both physical and mental abuse. It was his specialty, but each case was different, each reaction different – there was no way to know what treatment or course of action would be most successful.

“Tait, you can find your own level, your own routine that works. I’m sure Philip will help you with that.”

“Yeah. Sorry, Doc. I know I’m being silly.”

“Tait, just be patient. Take things one at a time.” The doctor picked up the clipboard that held the discharge form. Appel signed it with a flourish. “There we are. You’re free to go whenever Philip gets here.”

Tait stood up and shook the doctor’s hand. Marilyn gave him a brief hug and left with the doctor.

Alone again, Tait sat down; he took the last swallow of coffee and settled in to wait for Philip.

<<>*<>>

When he’d been in high school, Tait had been a very outgoing and confident guy. He knew he was gay, and was glad of it. Other people’s opinions didn’t really didn’t faze him. The night he’d come out to his parents, he’d simply told them, and they having already surmised his orientation, accepted him.

People had always told him he was handsome. He wanted to go to college but his parents couldn’t afford it, so he took advantage of his looks. He joined a modelling agency, who took him on immediately. He was never out of work, and he never went on to college.

After high school, his career took off; he was desired, sought after both professionally and personally.

Professionally, he worked for all the major magazines, appeared on covers on Gay n Out, G-Boyz, and Studz. Major designers sought his dark good looks, the surprise of the green-gray eyes and his generous sexy mouth. He’d strutted up and down catwalks around the world, and landed print and television ads for designer Leonardo Amiello.

Tait had also landed in Amiello’s bed.

“Tait, my darling, you look superb in them. Your ass … it’s perfection in my clothes.” Leonardo walked around Tait, as the dresser finished the final touches.

“Come, I’ll walk with you to make-up.”

Tait smiled at the older man, as Amiello took his arm.

“Tait, I’m having a few people in tonight, say you’ll come.”

“Leo, I’m not sure ….”

Amiello stopped and held Tait by the forearm. “Please come, stay the night. You know how I feel about you. Do you wish me to beg?”

Shaking his head Tait said no. “Okay. I’ll come. And yes – I’ll stay.”

“Oh, wonderful. I love you so. Now go on and sell that ass.” Leonardo smiled broadly as he patted Tait’s sexy firm buttocks.

Shooting had taken several hours, most of it waiting for set changes, lighting, following the obligatory union rules, and finicky dressers.

Once they’d wrapped and Tait changed, he found Leonardo waiting for him. Leonardo was in his late forties, but he took care of himself and Tait found him very attractive.

Amiello, was every inch the designer; always well-dressed himself – in his own suits – he insisted his models were also. Where Tait was dark, Leonardo was golden. His rich blond hair was long but always tied back, and strands of natural silver highlighted it. A striking figure, he kept himself in impeccable shape, ate sparingly, drank a little too much, and was known for only keeping company with young, extremely beautiful men.

Together Leonardo and Tait made a handsome couple. Others thought they were good together. The truth was Leonardo liked Tait’s beauty, and what was inside took second place to that.

Leonardo took Tait back to his flat, and after the maid took their coats, Amiello pulled on Tait’s arm, halting him.

Tait stopped, and smiled. “What, Leo?”

“This.” He pulled Tait into his arms and kissed him, not gently. Leonardo’s hands roamed over Tait’s firm buttocks and up to his shoulder blades. The kiss was an onslaught; their tongues battled. Though Tait knew better than to try and best Leo’s.

Leo broke the kiss, then smiling he pulled Tait up the curved staircase to his bedroom, and said, “Undress, and get onto the bed, as I like you, boy!” Leo shut and locked the bedroom door.

After their lovemaking, Tait showered and he walked nude from the bathroom and joined Leonardo in the bedroom to dress for dinner. Leo sat on the bed pulling on his socks and admired his young lover’s physique. Tait kept several suits at Leo’s as they often dressed for the evening.

“Leo, what are you wearing?” Tait asked as he browsed through the closet.

“Black, I think, darling.”

“Hmmm.”

“The dark navy single, the cotton one, for you my boy. It’s warm tonight, you’ll feel cooler and it will be amazing on you.” Leo appeared at Tait’s side and pulled the suit from the closet. “It’s that new cotton from the South, it drapes beautifully. Try it on and only a white cotton shirt under, open, no tie.”

Leonardo laid the suit on the bed and walked to the long, mirrored chest of drawers. Sliding open a drawer, he pulled out a small box. Turning, he leaned against the dresser and said, “I have a small gift for you, Tait.”

Tait looked up from pulling on a pair of boxer briefs and smiled at his lover. “A gift?”

“Yes. Come here, my darling.” Leo opened the tiny box. “First a disclaimer, I picked it because it is the color of your eyes. It isn’t anything expensive.”

Tait walked across the room to Leo, still smiling. He moved into his lover’s arms and kissed his cheek. “What is it? “

Leo opened the small, blue velvet-lined box and there sat an earring, the gemstone twinkled. “It’s perfect for you, it’s green beryl[1]. I picked the stone and had it set in platinum.”

Tait gazed at the beautiful gem. “It’s beautiful Leo, thank you.” He removed the diamond stud he wore, and put in the new earring.

“There, my boy, it matches your eyes.” Leo held onto Tait’s waist and turned them both around to face the mirror. Amiello moved behind Tait and regarded his reflection. “My God, you are perfection. Such a body, your face and eyes; the earring matches them, don’t you think?”

“Yes, Leo it does. Thank you again.” Tait twisted back to give Leonardo a small kiss on the lips.

Leonardo smiled at his handsome and sexy lover. “Come on, now. Let’s finishing dressing or the guests will arrive before we are ready.”

Tait returned to his place and finished dressing, pulling on a light white shirt, leaving the top two buttons undone.

“Another, please,” asked Leo, smiling.

Dutifully, Tait exposed a bit more of his upper chest, then pulled on the trousers and finally the jacket. He appraised himself critically in the mirror. As always, Leo was correct, this material did drape beautifully.

Leo looked Tait up and down and turned him around and said, “Oh yes, you are perfect, my love.”

Tait stepped into his shoes and offered Leonardo his arm. Smiling the older man slipped his arm through the younger’s. “Let’s go to dinner, darling.”

<<>*<>>

The squeak of shoes followed the swoosh of the opening door. Tait turned his head and watched Philip come in.

Philip smiled at Tait as he walked toward him. “Hey. You look good. You ready?”

Tait stood up and slipped on his shoes, and embraced Philip when he opened his arms. “Hey.”

“Everything done? You signed out and stuff?” Philip cocked his head at Tait.

“Yes, Phil. I have my prescriptions and instructions. They’re in the suitcase.”

Tait seemed so sad, Philip hugged him. “What is it, hmm?”

Clinging on to Phil, he said, “I feel a bit scared to go home. “

“Oh hey, it’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna work from home for a few weeks until you start to feel more comfortable. You won’t be alone.”

“Okay.”

“Come on. Marilyn will be here with your wheelchair.” Philip sat Tait down on the bed and then closed the suitcase. He checked through the closet, chest of drawers, the small desk and the bedside table to check that nothing was forgotten. All were empty.

The door swooshed open again and Marilyn entered pushing a wheelchair. She smiled at the two men. “Your two-wheeled taxi is here, Tait.”

Philip helped Tait up and walked him to his ride. “Okay? Sit down, I’ll grab your bag.”

With Tait seated, Philip moved to the door and held it as Marilyn pushed Tait through. They walked through the quiet aqua-colored halls, and took the elevator down to the first floor.

Marilyn pushed Tait to the front entrance and out the front door. Philip left the suitcase and walked to the parking lot to get his car.

“Well, Tait. This is goodbye for now.” Marilyn bent down and hugged her patient. He hugged her back furiously.

The car pulled up and Philip got out, stored the suitcase in the back seat and pulled open the front door. “Ready, Tait?”

Tait got up and slid into the car. He waved to Marilyn and then looked straight ahead. Philip got in, started the car, and pulled on his seatbelt, he said, “Seatbelt, Tait.”

Philip pulled away from the hospital, and Tait turned to look back. After a few minutes, he put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Tait, it’s gonna be okay.”