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- 11/23/2016
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Flash Rides - 1. Talking Turkey[s]
Talking Turkey[s]
“Hey, hey, dude, what’s your name? I’m Mac. Do you have any idea where we are?”
“I’m Cheese and I haven’t got a clue. One of those ugly hairless apes cleaned me, brushed my feathers, and then stuck something over my head. Couldn’t see crap. Then they put me in this thing and when they removed the black hoodie, you were next to me. What’s with all the metal bars around us?”
“I don’t know, man, but I think we’re in jail. I wonder what we did? I mean, I’ve spent my life pecking around that big field, staying out of trouble and all of a sudden I’m blinded, caged, and moved to this joint.”
“It looks pretty fancy. Look at all the shiny stuff. And there’s like no dirt. I think we’re moving on up in the world.”
“Hey, hey, check out those birds over there. They’re all tied up and they still have their heads covered. Should we do something to try and help them?”
“Hell, no. I’m not even sure they’re natives. I mean, they kinda look like us but all those white feathers? I ain’t sticking my neck out for a bunch of aliens.”
“Damn! More of the hairless apes. They’re coming to get us! What’s that shiny, sharp-looking thing in that one’s hand? I’m not liking this, bro.”
“Quiet, quiet. A couple of them are staring at us. If we don’t say anything maybe they’ll forget we’re here.”
“Gobble, gobble, gobble.”
• • •
“Good afternoon, everybody. Please have a seat. Normally we do this outside, but the weather is not cooperating today. I want to, first of all, on behalf of my children, wish everybody an early Happy Thanksgiving. I am here to announce what I’m sure will be the most talked-about executive action this month. Today, I’m taking an action fully within my legal authority―the same kind of action taken by Democrats and Republican presidents before me―to spare the lives of two turkeys, Mac and Cheese, from a terrible and delicious fate.
“I want to thank the president of the National Turkey Federation and his son, who personally raised Mac and Cheese. Give them a big round of applause. He’s keeping a pretty careful eye there on Cheese. Uh-oh, he’s getting pretty excited about this.”
“Gobble, gobble, gobble.”
“Thanks to all those who voted online to pick the official National Thanksgiving Turkey. Cheese wants you to know that he won. Mac, the alternate, is not so badly off either. Let’s face it―if you’re a turkey, and you’re named after a side dish―your chances of escaping Thanksgiving dinner are pretty low. So these guys are well ahead of the curve. They really beat the odds.
“It is important to know that turkeys have always had powerful allies. Many of you know that Benjamin Franklin once wrote, ‘I wish the bald eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country. He is a bird of bad moral character…the turkey is, in comparison, a much more respectable bird.’ I think these two turkeys would agree with Mr. Franklin. And they’ll get to live out the rest of their days, respectably, at a Virginia estate with 10,000 acres of roaming space.
“I know some will call this amnesty, they’d rather have us build a wall around the flock. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of turkey to go around. In fact, later this afternoon, the First Lady, the kids and I will take two turkeys that didn’t make the cut to a local food pantry that works hard year-round to make sure that folks in our Nation’s Capital have food to eat and clothes to wear. I want to thank The Turkey Farm in Pennsylvania for donating once again those birds for the sixth year in a row, and for making Thanksgiving dinner possible for some of our fellow Americans.
“Finally, The Washington Post recently questioned the wisdom of the whole turkey pardon tradition. ‘Typically on the day before Thanksgiving,’ the story went, ‘the man who makes decisions about wars, virus outbreaks, terrorism cells and other dire matters of state, chooses to pardon a single turkey … plus an alternate.’
“Tell me about it. It is a little puzzling that I do this every year. But I will say that I enjoy it because with all the tough stuff that swirls around in this office, it's nice once in a while just to say: Happy Thanksgiving. And this is a great excuse to do it.
“Tomorrow is a pretty special moment when we give thanks for the people we love, and where we're mindful of the incredible blessings that we have received. We remember the folks who can’t spend their holiday at home, especially the brave men and women in uniform who help keep our country secure. And we celebrate a holiday that, at its best, is about what makes this nation great -- and that's its generosity and its openness, and, as President Franklin Roosevelt once said, our commitment, ‘to make a country in which no one is left out.’
“Now, because I know everyone wants to get out of town, Mac and Cheese included, it is time for me to engage in the official act. So let’s see what we can do here with Cheese.
“Come on, kids. All right, are we ready? Cheese, you are hereby pardoned from the Thanksgiving dinner table. Congratulations. Mac, you’re the alternate. No official pardon but your neck’s not on the chopping block either.”
“Gobble, gobble, gobble.”
“He looks pretty happy about it. All right, Thank you, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving.”
PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL FOOD BANK
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