Zombies Like Us! - 1. Chapter 1

I saw Richard in the corner by the window; he was wearing a suit and stood out like a sore thumb in the crowded bar. I hadn’t bothered to dress up either, but my clothes were more casual than his. I would never have allowed him to go out like that. Who wears a suit at Halloween?

He was scanning the bar as I approached but clearly not for me and I was nearly in front of him when he recognized me. I could still read him so well and his expectant face dropped the second his eyes made contact, before adjusting quickly to form a fake smile. It was the kind of look that I used to give his parents whenever they dropped by unexpected.

“Hey, Jody, I’m glad that you could make it,” he said, but it was a lie and we both knew it. He must have been hoping that I wouldn’t turn up. “I thought that maybe…?”

“Well you thought wrong then, didn’t you,” I cut him off as he stood up to welcome me. “I wasn’t going to miss this for the world. It’s not every day your ex, gets married.” His smile was much weaker now and he must have been regretting inviting me already as he held me at arm’s length as if he was frightened that I would try to kiss him.

“Are you okay?” he said looking into my eyes, but he seemed more concerned about his own well-being than my precarious state of mind and he had every reason to be worried.

“Of course, Dickie. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He stood back to consider my answer. He could easily have reeled off a dozen or so reasons why I wouldn’t have been okay.

“Don’t call me that please, you know that I don’t like it.”

“You always used to prefer Dick,” I said through gritted teeth. It was a shot across the bows; a warning of what was to follow and I executed it perfectly.

He wasn’t amused and my little joke was countered by a stern expression; something more indicative of his personality. Was he expecting me to be nice to him?

“You promised to behave,” he warned, almost spitting the words into my face. I had promised him a lot of things over the years, but rarely delivered and I wondered what it was that made him want to believe me all of a sudden. I wasn’t there to wish him well; I had come to cause trouble for him, to mix things up a little, and unmask him as the no-good, lying cheat that he was.

Exposing him would make me feel a little better and provide some compensation for his duplicity, but it was never going to be enough to even the score and maybe I didn’t really want that.

I wanted my life to return to the way it was before he walked out on me. It was the only outcome that would make me feel human again, but it was a task that seemed, at times, to be beyond the realms of possibility. There was an obstacle in the way, in the form of a female named Kate. She had wormed her way between us like a snake and then poisoned his mind to turn him against me. It was the classic betrayal and it cut to the bone, leaving me broken and inconsolable.

At first, it had seemed so utterly ridiculous. Richard was gay, no woman could possibly take him from me, but I had underestimated her determination and by the time I realized what was happening it was too late. When he left he took my heart with him, and I was there that night to claim it back.

That was my objective and it had been all along, I just wasn’t allowed to admit it anymore. I had to pretend that I was over him, and disguise the fact that he still dominated every aspect of my life, hi-jacking every thought, dulling my senses and corrupting my mind. It had been over a year and I was just a shell of my former self, a narcissistic wreck, with a single ambition and if I didn’t succeed I was going to take him down with me.

Either way, she wasn’t going to have him!

If he had known about my state of mind, then I probably wouldn’t have been invited to his bachelor party, if that was what this was, no one knew for sure and Richard had seemed hesitant when he called to invite me. I got the feeling that he was testing the waters, rumors were circulating of my recovery and my performance on the phone had been exemplary.

I had arrived early, hoping to catch him on his own but his close friends were already there strategically placed either side of him like bodyguards. I recognized them straight away as they watched our poorly concealed sparring. Then, as I turned to say hello the one nearest to me, stood up to greet me with a loose hug. His name was Tommy, and he had never hugged me before.

“How’s it going Jody, you look well?”

I shrugged and rolled my eyes at him. Even after hours of preparation, I knew that I was a mess, but I was happy to accept his compliment, certain that they would be few and far between that night.

The other guy was Isaac, the Judas. He was sitting across the table, looking nervous and he barely acknowledged my presence. The last time I saw him, I had threatened to kill him. That was a year ago but the offer still stood.

I had my reasons. Before Richard left, Isaac had been instrumental in his cover-up, lying for his friend and hiding his infidelity. It was a despicable act which guaranteed him the top spot on my hate list.

It wasn’t always that way, Isaac and Tommy had been friends of ours for years, but they knew Richard first and took his side when he left. I hadn’t seen either of them since the breakup, but they would have known about my hysterics. Gossip spread like wildfire in that town and it was common knowledge that I had been through the wars. Apparently, I was unhinged, unable to cope on my own and unwilling to accept the fact that he had left me. None of it was true; he hadn’t left me because he was coming back, and I could manage on my own, I just wasn’t very good at it.

Richard must have wanted me there for a reason, other than simply feeling sorry for me. He wasn’t the charitable type and there was a certain risk factor that accompanied me these days which had wreaked havoc to my once busy social calendar. With so much at stake, nobody in their right mind would have invited someone as volatile and emotionally unstable as me and I foolishly saw this as confirmation that he still loved me and wanted me back. Maybe he realized his mistake and needed me to save him from a fate worse than death.

It made sense to me because that’s what I wanted to believe and it gave me a lifeline to cling to, but I knew that my success would ultimately depend on my ability to control my emotions. That was the key, I needed to be more like the old me—the one that he had fallen in love with—and less like the physical and mental wreck that had inherited my body. It was a good plan but it required self-confidence and a sound mind to pull it off, and those were two of the things which he had taken from me, the day that he left. It wasn’t going to be easy.

Richard, sensing my discomfort patted the seat next to him and I sat down. After a good start, I was already beginning to struggle and I must have looked nervous and uncertain.

“Let me get you a drink,” he said. I badly needed one and he ordered four beers from the waiter with an axe embedded in his head. If things didn’t go my way, then Richard would be joining him by the end of the night.

“We’re not actually getting married Jody; you know that just moving in together.”

“Moving in together?” I repeated sarcastically. He made it sound like they were roommates.

“Okay then, cohabiting, is that better. Geez, I thought that you were over this now?”

“I am over it Richard,” I said, “I’ve moved on, believe me.” There was no truth in that statement whatsoever, I was nowhere near over it and had no intention of getting over it either. Not until he came crawling back to me on his hands and knees, begging for absolution.

“That’s good because Kate’s going to be here later when she finishes work and I don’t want a bad atmosphere, not tonight.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks from the top of a scaffolding and sent me reeling as I desperately searched for a reasoned response. “You don’t mind do you?”

Of course, I minded. Why would he even think that? I hated Kate with a passion that was impossible to disguise and he knew it. Her absence was pivotal to my success; how could I work my magic on him with her blocking my every move. I would have to re-evaluate my plan or it was doomed to fail.

“You didn’t tell me that she was gonna be here,” I said trying to remain calm as my fragile life, held together with little more than hope, threatened to implode yet again. I was finding it increasingly difficult to paper over the cracks on my face and the disappointment must have been visible from outer space. It was supposed to be Richard’s bachelor party, why was she turning up? Shouldn’t she be at a hen party someplace, now I would have to dispose of two bodies, but she had given me no other choice. I may even decide to torture her first!

How could he tell me that and then expect me to behave myself and not ruin his big night? It was a ridiculous request to make, he had ruined my entire life with barely a hint of an apology.

“What have you been doing with yourself then?” said Tommy, and I was pleased with his timely intervention. He was leaning across the table to make himself heard above the red hot chilli peppers and spitting beer in my face.

“Nothing really.” It was the truth; I honestly couldn’t think of anything to say which would have been newsworthy. I hadn’t really done anything during the last year, other than eat, breathe, work, and the occasional hours’ sleep when my mind was too exhausted to come up with any more desperate plans to get him back. “I haven’t really done a lot,” I admitted.

He seemed to understand and he gave me a reassuring smile, which helped me to relax while I waited for my beer. I didn’t mind Tommy, he was laid back and had always been quite friendly to me. He had known Richard the longest and was often overshadowed by his more extrovert friend but it didn’t affect his loyalty and when my world collapsed, I got precious little sympathy from him. It would have been asking a lot, I suppose, I had always considered him to be Richard’s, right-hand man. He would be spared.

He was also a bit of a dish. Well-built with a cute rounded face and a dark blonde mop. Girls would hang on his every word but Tommy wasn’t interested in playing the field, he was married to his childhood sweetheart Sandra who kept him on a tight leash and I think he liked it that way.

“How’s work?” he asked but I was trying to listen to Richard’s conversation with Isaac—certain that they were talking about me—and Tommy had to repeat himself.

“Yeah, we’ve been really busy.” At last, I was able to say something positive that would justify my place in the world, and the truth always seemed to roll off my tongue so well. It’s a shame that I couldn’t fall back on it more often, but that was all Richard’s fault.

“I think your job is pretty cool,” he said and I smiled, everyone said that. “I don’t know how you do it though.”

“You get used to it,” I said and then strained my ears as Richard shared a joke with his lizard like compatriot. It was getting ridiculous trying to listen to two conversations at once while being bombarded with heavy rock and I was forced to let one go so I dropped Tommy. Small talk was fine, but I was more interested in what Richard had to say, even if it hurt me. Especially if it hurt me.

“You didn’t know that Kate was coming did you?” said Tommy and he hit the nail on the head.

“I can’t believe that he invited me knowing that she would be here. Then he accuses me of starting trouble, what does he expect?”

“You’re gonna have to let him go, Jody, he’s not gonna come back.”

“I don’t want him back,” I said but he looked skeptical.

“Have you met anyone else?”

“No!”

“It’s been a year.”

“So, I’m hardly past my sell by date. I’m not even thirty yet.”

My volume increased a notch or two and he held his hands up to show me that he was backing off. Was I really that volatile these days?

The way that Tommy carefully tiptoed around the question was proof enough.

“You have been acting a little— “

I gave him a hard stare. “What?”

“__a little.”

“Go on!”

“Odd, that’s all. People are a little wary of you. They don’t know how you’re gonna react. I’ve heard that you’ve been a little unstable lately.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He stepped back as I pounced on him threatening to bite his head off. Then realizing what I had done, I quickly receded into my shell embarrassed by my lack of control. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry.” He had made his point without having to explain. It’s no wonder that Richard was able to manipulate me so easily.

My former partner had left us to greet more of his friends including Dennis, a guy who I had gone to school with some ten years earlier. He was my first boyfriend and the owner of the first penis that I was allowed to play with. I was surprised to see that he was back in favor. Unlike Richard, Dennis hadn’t turned straight and had been quick to criticise my boyfriend when the shit hit the fan and he decided to jump ship for a woman.

When he saw me, he came over to give me a hug and a kiss on each cheek before introducing me to his Spanish boyfriend. “I heard that you’ve been going through a bad time,” he said. “He’s not worth it Jody. There are a lot better than him out there.” He smiled at his boyfriend as if to underline his point. Jose certainly looked a lot better than Richard and I wondered where Dennis had found him.

“I’ve had better years, I must admit.”

“I heard that you tried to kill him,” he said. “What happened?”

“I threw a kitchen knife at him but missed. It was hardly attempted murder. He exaggerates everything.”

“Hmm, pity though,” he said. “You could have done us all a favor.”

“It’s not too late,” I said only half-joking and judging by his expression he may have believed me. Stick around after for the show!

“How’s work?” he said changing the conversation and turning towards his boyfriend. “You wouldn’t believe what this guy does for a living.” Dennis was right, and Jose couldn’t guess either.

Dennis was fun for a while and it felt good to have an ally amidst the sea of deserters but we soon ran out of the conversation and I couldn’t blame him for being more interested in Jose than his homicidal ex-boyfriend. Although I’m not sure if our relationship would fall under the category of boyfriends.

The bar was had filled out quickly. Halloween always brought them in and there were a lot of costumes that year. Maybe I should have made an effort; I would make-up for it later.

Fuelled by a couple of bottles of Dutch courage I parted company with Dennis and Jose to search for Richard. I needed to talk to him alone to present my final sales pitch. It had taken me ages to write, and I had put my heart and soul into it, leaving nothing to chance. I needed him to know how much I still loved him and that I was willing to forgive all the hurt from the past year if he would come back. I had a copy of the speech in my pocket and was considering having it framed when we got back together, but if by chance we didn’t, then it would make a fitting epitaph.

My first attempt didn’t go well; it had been easy during rehearsals but I wasn’t expecting so many people. I didn’t know that Richard knew so many people. He was deliberately avoiding me, cleverly keeping out of reach and surrounding himself with friends, making it impossible to corner him. He knew what he was doing and so did everyone else, including Tommy, who came to my rescue and led me away before I was able to humiliate myself any further.

I didn’t expect him to understand or to want to listen to the drivel that flowed from my mouth whenever I talked about Richard but Tommy surprised me with a gallant effort, sitting with me for a good half-an-hour while I repeated the same story a dozen times to him.

With Richard giving me the cold shoulder, my carefully constructed plan was beginning to fall apart and when Isaac decided to join us, it took a Herculean effort to hold myself together. He was the last person in the world who I wanted to see me in my state and that’s probably why he was there. He took the seat next to me, to gloat and I braced myself.

“So how are you feeling nowadays?” His words were insincere and his voice was condescending. I had a sudden and gut-wrenching compulsion to knock his teeth out but decided to save it for later.

“Great!” I lied. “Never felt better, how are you?” Slimy little shit!

“Just came back from two weeks in Tortola,” he said showing off his tan but Rod Stewart blaring from the speakers interrupted him and I pretended not to hear.

“What was that?” asked Tommy leaning across to me but looking at Isaac.

“He said he thinks he’s got Ebola!”

Isaac didn’t hear me, which was a shame, but looked on suspiciously as Tommy stifled a laugh and the first round belonged to me.

“Do you guys want another beer?” asked Isaac and I noticed Tommy’s face light up. He didn’t seem to have a problem hearing that, but I could hardly blame him for deploying selective hearing tactics against his fork-tongued friend.

It was the first time that I could remember seeing Tommy in a bar without his shadow of a wife and he seemed to be making the most of his night of freedom, but It was only nine o’clock and he was already looking distant and bleary eyed. It wasn’t how I was used to seeing him, but I put it down to the alcohol and rated his chances of lasting the distance as unlikely. When he stood up to go and take a leak, I noticed him swaying and so did Isaac.

“He’s gonna be wrecked,” he said.

“Making the most of it I suppose. No Sandra.” I said referring to Tommy’s bossy wife. Everyone knew who the captain was on their ship.

Isaac shifted a little closer and looked eager to tell me something; it had to be bad news, I could see it in his smile.

“You do know that Sandra left him?”

“No, how would I know that nobody talks to me anymore?”

He rolled his eyes and put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s nothing personal Jody, we just don’t see you much these days,” he said. “You’re still our friend.”

I wasn’t interested in what he had to say, but it was a shock to hear about Sandra, maybe that was the reason why Tommy was drinking so much.

“That’s the reason why Tommy’s drinking so much,” said Isaac and I started to worry. If he could read my mind that easily, then I was in a lot of trouble.

“What happened?”

“She was cheating on him, he found out and she left him.” It sounded familiar. It must be contagious.

“Really? There’s a lot of it going around, you know.” He ignored my sarcasm.

“He’s been pretty cut up about it.”

“Yeah, that’s what happens,” I said. “People get hurt, it’s not nice.” If he was expecting me to feel sorry for Tommy, then he had another thing coming. What goes around comes around and I used the opportunity to shamelessly turn the spotlight on my own still tender issues. I had promised myself earlier that I wouldn’t do that, it showed weakness, the opposite to the impression that I needed to give, but Tommy’s plight presented me with an opportunity to plow up old ground and I was unable to resist the temptation to sling some fresh mud at Richard.

“He’s making a mistake by moving in with her,” I said. “He’ll regret it.”

“Kate’s not a bad person,” said Isaac. “If it hadn’t been her, then it would have been another girl.”

“Another girl? You still don’t get it, do you? Richard is gay he’s queer, he likes men, he’s not into women.”

“Really, well you could’ve fooled me because he’s about to marry one,” he said.

I could tell that he wasn’t supposed to say that, it was classified information and definitely not meant for my over sensitive ears, but it didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Richard had lied to me again. Later he would probably tell me that he did it to spare my feelings and I would have to watch Kate walk off with her prize.

Over my dead body!

It felt as if I had returned to the beginning, it always seemed to happen that way. Whenever I started to make progress, something would happen or someone would say something that would knock me back down again. I knew that if they got married, then I would never get him back and my tender defenses took another battering as the dull pain inside of me continued its journey to the surface. Soon it would show in my eyes, but I was determined not to cry. Not in public. Not again!

After delivering the fatal blow, Isaac left to talk to Richard, perhaps to warn him of my uncertain state of mind and I saw my ex-boyfriend looking over. He seemed concerned but probably more for himself than for me. A premonition maybe; regret even, who knows. The die had been cast and what was about to happen was all his fault. It didn’t have to end this way!

I ordered two beers from the mummified waitress and waited for Tommy to return, I wanted to talk to someone nice before finishing it all and for some reason I liked him. He had been good to me that night and the only genuine one amongst them.

When he didn’t return, I went to search for him and found him propping up the bar talking to Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ. He was upset and it looked as if the girl was comforting him; Tommy had his own problems to deal with and I couldn’t blame him for forgetting about me or maybe he was fed up of listening to me rattling on about how bad I had it.

Not wanting to interrupt his private moment I turned to walk away but he saw me and called me over to introduce us. Her name was Rhea and she already knew me.

“I’ve seen some of your work at the museum,” she said, which surprised me, they never credited us for our work. On another day, I would have talked to her and perhaps bored the living daylights out of her, but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything and I wasn’t even sure if there would be any other days.

“I don’t know how he does it, but I know he’s very good,” said Tommy but he could see my tears. “Are you okay?”

“What are you working on at the moment?” she asked and I had to think about it. I had been off work for most of the previous week, depressed.

“Richard,” I said finally, “I’ve been working on him.”

There was an uncomfortable silence before Tommy started laughing and then Rhea joined in but it wasn’t meant to be funny. My job had been the only positive aspect of my dull life and I had submerged myself in after our split, but now it that wasn’t enough. The bitterness had consumed everything in my life; I was the only thing that remained and soon I would be gone too.

When we were joined by the Tin Man I made my exit, slipping away to visit the John where I splashed water on my face and stood in front of the mirror.

Tommy was right, I had changed and everyone could see it. I looked drawn, pale, and gaunt as if the blood had been drained from my body. I could easily have passed for a dead person. A zombie.

I had the look!

The face of someone whose life had been torn apart by the deceitful actions of a person who I loved and trusted implicitly.

It was impossible to explain to anyone who hadn’t lived through it themselves. Something as destructive and as painful as any illness, that wipes clean every optimistic thought and leaves you belligerently clinging to whatever remains of your once contented world. Utter despair caused by the realization that you no longer have any control and a feeling of worthlessness, accompanied by an unrelenting and agonizing dull pain that never recedes. You just learn to live with it and accept it. I had been waking up to that feeling every day now for over a year.

I didn’t need a costume or fake blood, I was the real thing, a zombie, one of the walking dead who everyone else avoided!

I had been slowly drowning in self-pity for over a year and there was no point in torturing myself any further.

I walked casually to the exit, where a pirate held the door open for me and Dracula told me to have a great evening. They were the security and they knew me well, I was unlikely to be searched on my way back in.

“I’m coming back,” I said. “I just need to get something from my car.” They were too busy eyeing up Catwoman to bother about a harmless queen like me. It couldn’t have been any more perfect. Halloween, the place was already covered in blood and guts, Richard’s brains were about to be added to the mix followed inevitably now by mine. He had signed both our death certificates and it was fitting that we should leave this world together.

When I reached my car and opened the trunk, I was openly crying, there wasn’t much point in hiding it anymore. I didn’t care what anyone thought. They could talk about this night for years to come, but not Richard. He was coming with me!

In the trunk there was an otter that I had been working on and an overnight bag which stared ominously at me. I had filled it with some of Richard’s old clothes which he hadn’t collected.

Somewhere in that bag underneath those rags was the final solution to my problem.

A Beretta semi-automatic pistol. The guy who sold it to me thought it was good.

It was used by the military and the LAPD. He said it was simple; just aim and fire. He did the checks, I got my license and picked it up a few days earlier. It was easy; he didn’t even ask me why I wanted it, or why I only needed one clip of ammunition.

As much as I hated his friends, I didn’t want to waste bullets on them. I had fifteen rounds but if it went to plan I would only need two.

How difficult could it be? Just aim and fire!

I had a quick look around me before picking it up. It fit my hand perfectly, but I had never fired a gun before. It had been in the car since I bought it because I was too scared to take it indoors. I didn’t want to have to stare at my own noose!

My hand was shaking as I lifted the gun to locate the safety switch. He had given me a quick demonstration in the store, but it was daylight and he was able to keep it still. I was all over the place and it was too dark to see anything.

Oh, God. How am I going to do this if I can’t stop shaking?

Just aim and fire!

I would probably only get one chance.

Just aim and fire!

“Jody, wait! Where are you going?”

I jumped at the sound of Tommy’s voice behind me. When I spun around I had the gun in my hand.

“Whoa. Shit!” He ducked in front of me and I dropped the gun in the trunk.

“Tommy!”

“What the fuck are you doing, man? Are you crazy?”

“Yes, can’t you tell?” I covered my face with my hands and fell to my knees sobbing uncontrollably.

“What are you doing with a gun?”

“I’m sorry.”

Tommy may not have been the sharpest knife in the drawer but it didn’t take much working it out.

“No way.” He started to shake his head. “You’re not, you weren’t, you can’t be serious? Oh my God…why?”

“Why? What do mean why?” I was kneeling in a puddle in a damp parking lot bawling my eyes out. I was a complete wreck. “Look at me, Tommy. Look at what he’s done to me. It was the only thing that I have left to fight him with. He’s taken everything else from me. I hate him!”

“It doesn’t mean you have to kill him.”

“Why not? He killed me and it’s been a slow painful death. You don’t understand.”

“I do,” he said. “I’m hurting too.”

I had forgotten about his pain, it hadn’t been important to me, but as my tears began to dry up, he knelt in front and put his arms around me.

I cried some more.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m crazy.”

He tightened his grip. “It’s okay.”

I cried some more,

“I hate myself.”

“Don’t. You don’t have to hate yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I was gonna kill him.”

“I know, it’s okay.”

“I hate him, Tommy.”

“I know you do.”

“It’s only because I love him though, and he hurt me, and it still hurts, and it will always hurt.”

He held my wet face with his palms against my cheeks and looked into my eyes but I could barely see him through the tears.

“It won't hurt forever,” he said. “I promise.” Then he hugged me again and rubbed my back. His embrace was firm and comforting and I could have stayed there forever. I had missed being hugged more than anything else, yet I hadn’t even noticed it until then.

“You can let me go now,” I said, but I was only being polite, it wasn’t what I wanted. He didn’t move; maybe he hadn’t heard me or maybe he didn’t want to hear me.

He may have saved my life or even prevented a mass shooting, but all I could think of was how nice he smelled. It was a fragrance which I didn’t recognize, mixed with a definite man odor and as intoxicating as any of the beers that I had downed earlier.

I had no idea why he was still holding me, but I liked it and I got the feeling that he did too. Maybe he needed it as much as I did, why wouldn’t he? He’s straight but human. I guess straight guys need hugs too and it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a guy or a girl. Just a few minutes before, I was about to kill somebody and then take my own life. By comparison, everything else seemed petty and insignificant.

He finally let go of me and we stood up when a group of party goers walked past us through the parking lot. A collection of zombies, and walking dead, accompanied by an Indian Chief and a guitar strumming Mexican bandit. I wanted to go to that party!

They must have thought that we were up to something naughty as we stood up quickly and straightened ourselves out but their jibes were friendly and although Tommy may have been embarrassed, I quite liked being the focus of their attention in that way. Even if we weren’t doing what they thought we were doing. The fact that they thought it in the first place was enough to excite me and make me blush.

When did that last happen to me?

“I’m sorry Tommy, I’ve cried on your shirt and made it wet.”

“I don’t think it matters what we look like tonight,” he said and smiled as a gorilla walked past us. I could see his point, and smiled, the last job that I did was a gorilla.

“I should go home,” I said, but he didn’t agree.

“No way, you’re staying with me. I’m not letting you go home alone and kill yourself. You’re not in the right frame of mind at the moment.” He gave me a look designed to show that he meant business, but he was too cute to pull it off and his eyes were too big. Wow, were they ever big, and deep brown. I wondered why I hadn’t noticed them before.

I swallowed and wiped my eyes, as I tried not to stare at him. I liked what he had said about staying with me; it made me feel wanted, secure, looked after. Whatever it was, it was million times better than being alone and incomparable with the way that I was feeling when I left the bar.

“So what now?” I said. Was he expecting me to go home with him? That would be weird, but probably innocent.

“It’s too early to go home and I definitely need another drink.” I did too and I was getting cold in just my t-shirt.

He held my forearms. “You’re shaking.”

“You should have seen me when I was holding the gun. I probably wouldn’t have hit anyone, even if I had emptied the magazine.”

“Or you could have killed a dozen innocent people!” He was right and I felt ashamed, but I couldn’t resist a little joke as we walked back to the bar.

“Ah come on Tommy, there are no innocent people in there and you know it!”

He laughed but he was still nervous and I couldn’t blame him for that. “Didn’t you bring a jacket?”

“It’s in the bar, I was going back, remember. Not that I would’ve needed it.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the bushes at the side of the bar, where we were couldn’t be seen by the security.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry Jody,” he said, “don’t think bad of me but I have to do this.” When he looked into my eyes and put his arms around me, I sighed and did the same waiting for him to kiss me. Instead, he pulled away. “What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” I said.

“I’m searching you, what did you think I was doing? I’m sorry but I wanna make sure that you don’t have any more weapons on you.”

I scowled and held my arms out for him to finish the job. “Go on then, officer. I’m clean.” He gave me a strange look and smiled at me before running his hands down my sides, around my back and then down my legs. I couldn’t help smiling though at our misunderstanding and when he squeezed my ass, I was sure that he knew what he was doing to me. What am I thinking, I know he’s straight?

“Argghhh! What did you do that for?”

“People hide weapons around their crotch,” he said. “And I wanted to see if you were packing.” Maybe he wasn’t as straight as I thought, he just squeezed my balls and what did he mean by packing?

“Satisfied now?” I said folding my arms in front of me and trying to look mean.

“Nope. It’s gonna take more than that to satisfy me.” He walked away leaving me pondering.

“What are you saying that I’m small?”

He held his hands up. “Are you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What are you worried about then?”

“I’m not.”

He smiled as he held the door open for me and we were hit by a wall of noise. They had turned up the volume and changed the music to dance. It was wild in there but my mind was still trying to work out that sexy smile of his. I had been out of action for a while but that expression said only one thing. I just needed to know why he was doing it.

“Are you feeling better now?” he said, spitting into my ear and I nodded. “You’re not gonna try to kill Richard are you?”

“No,” I said. “I’m not gonna kill anyone.” I don’t think he heard me but it didn’t matter. Richard and his merry men weren’t that important to me anymore.

“Can I trust you on your own while I go to the john.”

I smiled. “I don’t think so. I can kill using my hands you know.”

He laughed and grabbed my arm. “Okay, you’re coming with me then.”

I followed Tommy into the toilet and watched him pee. I had to; he took the only free urinal and Superman next to him was having problems putting his dick away. He blamed the suit before winking at me as he left.

I was still shaking from the episode outside and struggled to control my breathing, it took me forever to pee and when I did, I could hardly keep my hand still. Tommy didn’t wait so I caught up with him at the bar.

“Did you see Superman wink at me?”

“You wish,” he said.

“Honestly, I think he liked me.”

“Don’t be so surprised, there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m a zombie,” I said. “Richard did this to me.”

He handed me a beer and gave me that smile again. “You don’t look that bad for a zombie.” Was Tommy hitting on me? I wasn’t sure anymore; it didn’t make any sense at all.

“You didn’t have to buy me another beer.”

“I didn’t. I put it on Richard’s tab. I saved his life; the least he could do is buy us a drink.” Richard owed me a lot more than that, but it was a start and the first move in my direction for a long time.

“I would’ve done it you know; I was ready to die. You stopped me.”

“Then maybe you weren’t supposed to die just yet. Maybe you can find something worth living for, and then you can kill Richard in a different way by shutting him out of your life altogether.”

“He’s getting married.”

“I know,” he said.

“And she’s gonna show up here tonight.”

“You don’t have to talk to her.”

“Don’t worry, I won't.” I would have preferred to chew on razor blades than talk to her.

“He made the wrong decision Jody, I know it. It’ll be his loss and someone else’s gain.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“It means you’re a nice guy and there are people out there who like nice guys.”

Whatever he was trying to say it made me feel almost human. “Thank you, you’ve made me feel a lot better.” His face glowed at my compliment and he beamed another dazzling smile. Does he ever stop smiling?

“Richard doesn’t control you anymore,” he said. “And if you really wanted to hurt him and get your own back for all the bad things he did, then just be happy.”

I scoffed and took a large gulp of my beer. “Be happy?”

“Yep.” I loved the way that said that he had a deep voice, very masculine. It made me shiver.

“You think it’s that simple?”

“It’s not hard.”

I don’t know why I giggled at that comment or why I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Maybe for you it isn’t. You’re probably stronger than me, you’ve handled it better.”

“I take it you know about Sandra then?” I had been wondering when he was going to tell me, and I was glad that I didn’t have to dig it out of him.

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be. You weren’t the one who was fucking her.” Apparently, though, I was the only one who wasn’t. As he talked me through a list of her previous misdemeanors his face dropped and it was clear that he was still hurting. I was the wrong person to give advice but I was keen to avoid the corny clichés which I had always hated, endeavoring instead to keep it real. I felt I owed him that much at least.

“You hide it well,” I said.

“I’ve been a little fucked up for a while though.”

“Join the club.” I had been more than a little fucked up and for a good deal longer. He was still in the early stages, a relative novice. “It gets a lot worse,” I said. “Believe me.”

“Thanks for cheering me up buddy.”

“Just making you aware, so you know what to expect. Have you gone through the suicide phase yet?”

“No, I guess I’ve been lucky.”

“You will. I tried it three times.”

“You’re kidding me?”

“No, I’m serious. Obviously, I didn’t try for real, I didn’t want to die. I was just faking it, you know, to get him to feel sorry for me.”

He laughed. “Sorry, Richard told me that you jumped in front of a bus. He was really upset when he found out. You must have been hurt?”

“I would’ve been if it had been moving at the time,” I said and he nearly collapsed with laughter. “The driver had stopped for lunch, but I did sprain my ankle and had to have a day off work.”

“That’s so funny,” he said and he held onto my arm as he tried to control his laughing. He was creating a bit of a scene. That was usually my prerogative.

“What’s up with him?” asked Wonder Woman behind the bar.

“His wife left him and I was just telling him about my suicide attempt.” It was Halloween, what did she expect?

-----

When I saw Richard again, he was looking pensive. He had a lot to be grateful for but he didn’t know it. It could have been a lot worse for him.

Kate must have been late because he kept checking the watch that I had bought him and looking at his phone in case he missed a call. During the six years that we were together, I had never kept him waiting, not even once and he knew it.

We were standing out the back on the patio, it was a smoking area and Richard was a packet a day man, but I had gone out there with Tommy to get some fresh air. It was his decision but he dragged me with him, unwilling to allow me out of his sight and hovering behind me when I approached my ex-partner. I didn’t mind, being shadowed by him, after a year of solitude I would have gladly paid someone to do that.

If anyone was surprised it was Richard who may have been able to read my smug expression as I flaunted my new found friendship in front of him and gloated over his absent fiancée. I guess it was okay for him to do it, but not anyone else.

When the Grim Reaper joined us on the patio, it presented me with a glaring opportunity which I couldn’t resist. “Here’s Kate now,” I said loud enough for everyone to hear. It got a few laughs but Richard wasn’t amused, which made it even funnier. “I’m surprised she got in without a costume.”

He glared at me before leaving to go back inside, but I also noticed him looking at Tommy and I was trying to decipher what his expression meant. Disappointment maybe, whatever it was, it wasn’t friendly but Tommy didn’t seem too concerned and that was all that mattered.

-----

On the way back, he walked behind me as we followed the line through the narrow corridor that connected the patio to the main bar. There were two lines of traffic moving in each direction but the restrooms up ahead were causing congestion and we came to a standstill. I was squashed up against a young girl in front and she turned her head to show me her displeasure but there was little that I could do with Tommy’s large frame pressed against me.

“You’re safe with me; it’s just my wallet you can feel.” She smiled, taking the edge off an embarrassing situation and I felt Tommy laughing behind me. Either that or we were having sex, it was difficult to tell, it had been so long.

“He does this for a living, you know?” added Tommy, but she looked bemused and I wondered how being squashed in a crowd of partygoers could possibly resemble my job.

I paid no attention when he rested his head against mine, it would have been easy with his height advantage, but I wasn’t expecting him to put his arm around me.

It didn’t bother me, but it definitely wasn’t normal behavior for a man who had always been straight or at least given the impression that he was. It was different in the parking lot; he was up against a homicidal maniac with a gun. He probably would have done anything to placate me, but this was as blatant a cuddle as you could get and it brought a few interesting looks from those around us. I always enjoyed that kind of attention but I didn’t expect it to sit too well with my gay leaning straight friend. We were going to have to talk about it.

When the bottleneck cleared, Tommy no longer had an excuse to hold me but once again, he seemed reluctant to let me go. We found a clearing at the bar and stood to face each other. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me or why I was hot all of a sudden, but when I looked at Tommy’s face I was certain that it wasn’t just me. He looked flustered and out of sorts tripping over his words like a goofy teenager as asked me if wanted another drink.

I had had enough beer and I thought that maybe that was the reason why I was feeling so heady all of a sudden. If I was drunk though, then it was a different drunk from anything that I had experienced in the past because I seemed to be in full control of my faculties. I decided that it wasn’t the drink when he used his thumb to rub away some dirt from around my eye, remnants of my tears, but he did it in a way that no straight guy would ever do.

It was my turn to buy and I was eyeing the top shelf. “Why don’t we have a cocktail instead?” I had enjoyed them in the past when Richard and I used to have fun, but I had never seen Tommy drink anything other than beer.

He surprised me. “Would you prefer a slow screw or a suck, bang, and blow?” In my sordid past, I would have insisted on trying both but I felt like a bit of a novice again so I decided to take it easy if that was even possible with this guy.

“I’ll have sex on the beach instead,” I said reading the menu.

Tommy was doing an admirable job of keeping a straight face. “I’m game if you are,” he said and I got the feeling that he was no longer joking. Was I really flirting with Richard’s friend, a married man who I had known for years? A guy who used to visit with his wife and fall asleep the moment the movie started. It was too ridiculous to even think about, but it didn’t stop me from feeling randy and the cocktails only intensified it. That was my plan.

“Was that your first time,” he said as I made short work of the vodka and peach schnapps.

I nodded, burped and was nearly sick. “Why is it called sex on the beach, I don’t see the connection?”

“Because if you drink it you’re fucked.”

“But why the beach?”

“Have you ever done it on a beach?”

“No, there are no beaches around here.”

“I think we should have one more.” I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to stretch to another but when he asked me if I wanted a blow job? I nearly choked.

“You really shouldn’t be offering blowjobs to drunk gay guys who haven’t had sex in…over a year,” I said.

“You’re kidding me?”

“Actually it’s been exactly thirteen months and twelve days.” He looked as if he didn’t believe me but I probably could have worked out the hours and minutes for him if he had wanted. Richard of course, hadn’t stopped to catch his breath, he had had too much sex, and for a while he had seen action on both fronts, dating her and living with me. It was being played for a fool that hurt me the most.

“We have to get you laid,” he said. “Straight away.”

‘I was certainly up for it and it was beginning to show. It had been a long time since I had suffered an embarrassing stiffie in public and it was a welcome sight. It was also the first time that Tommy had affected me in that way.

----

It must have been late because the music was off and the bar was clearing when I found Dennis and Jose.

“You look fucked, where have you been?”

“Thanks, Dennis, I’ve just had a blow job and sex on the beach with Tommy over there.”

You could have parked a family sized car in his mouth when as it dropped open and his eyes darted between Tommy and me. My blonde haired friend was standing with his back to us talking to a clown, there were a few of them around and another one was about to join the fray as Richard approached. I could tell that he wasn’t enjoying himself, and my mind kept drifting back to what Tommy had said earlier. Something about his loss and somebody’s gain, what did he mean by that?

“You’ll have to excuse my ex-partner,” I said as he walked away looking despondent. “He’s having trouble adjusting to a life without dick.”

“You seemed to have brightened up a little,” said Dennis. “I told you, all you needed was some sex. We need to start hanging around with these guys Jose. Sounds like they’re having fun. Tommy’s straight though right?”

“Who knows, I honestly couldn’t tell you right now.”

“Oh my God, you can’t be serious…isn’t he married?”

I explained his situation to an increasingly wide-eyed Dennis but he was drifting in and out of focus as we talked and I was beginning to regret ordering the cocktails.

The last thing that I needed was another beer, but Tommy put one in my hands anyway, claiming that it would straighten me out.

“I don’t wanna be straight,” I said but it was cold and wet and I was too far gone to know better. It was always best to stay away from me when I was like that but Tommy stayed close because he felt that he had to. He must have realized that I was barely capable of standing up and more of a danger to myself than anyone else.

“Tommy, we need to talk, before I get drunk.”

He laughed as I stared at him but I was trying to work out which one of him was real. “What do you wanna talk about?”

“You're trying to get me drunk.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Uh huh.” I grabbed his arm to steady myself. “But it’s not working.”

“It’s not?”

“No, because I know what you’re up to.”

“You do?”

“Yesh and stop moving around when I’m talking to you.”

“You’re the one who’s moving Jody.” He was right and I had grab hold of Dennis to steady myself.

“You’re not going to puke are you?”

“Of course not!”

“Is he okay?” I was wondering how he did that without moving his mouth, when I saw Richard standing next to me, with Kate behind him. When did she get here?

“What do you fucking want?” I was talking to both of them, but it would have been no more than he expected.

“Maybe we should call him a cab?” he said but when he took my beer away I grabbed it back from him.

“I’ll take care of him,” said Tommy.

“Yessh,” I said. “He’s gonna take care of me.” I slammed my foot down to make my point and leaned into his face.

With no more entertainment we were picking up an audience and I knew that Richard hated this kind of attention.

“Don’t embarrass yourself, Jody.” It rang a bell, he would always say that, but what he meant was don’t embarrass him. I always did that anyway, and that night I would do it again, for old times’ sake.

“You were very lucky tonight,” I slurred and as Tommy tried to drag me away.

“Jody come on, let’s go.”

“No, let me finish,” I said. “I’ve got something to shay to him and that bitch!”

I had the courage, I had the words.

I looked at Richard, I looked at Tommy then smiled and hit the deck.

“Is he okay?”

“He’s hammered!”

“Take him outside. Give him some fresh air.”

“Is that Jody?”

“How did he get so drunk?”

“I should’ve known that this would happen!”

“Fuck off, Richard. Leave him alone. It’s all your fault anyway!”

“I’ll take him home.”

“Leave him where he is. It’ll teach him a lesson.”

“I’ll teach you a lesson asshole.”

“Tommy don’t.”

----

“Hey buddy, are you okay?” It was Tommy and I wondered what he was doing in my house. I tried hard to focus but my eyesight was blurred. He was smiling at me and holding a cup of something hot. It wasn’t one of my cups and it definitely wasn’t my room or my bed.

I sat up straight and looked around me in panic as he laughed.

“You’re in my house,” he said. “You passed out.”

I could remember shouting at Richard, but not much else after that. I looked at the bed and then at him, he was wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants; I didn’t seem to be wearing anything other than my boxer shorts.

“You’re in my bed,” he smiled. “I slept in the spare room.”

I was glad he said that and I nodded and scratched my head.

“You’re clothes are in the washing machine. You can borrow some of mine if you wanna get up. I made you a coffee.”

“Thank you,” I croaked.

“You can talk after all?”

“What happened to your eye?” It looked red and sore.

“I got into a little scuffle with your ex after you collapsed.”

“Richard?”

“Don’t panic, he’s okay, he may have a black eye, that’s all.”

I couldn’t help giggling, I wish I had seen it. “Actually Tommy, I was more worried about you.” It brought a smile from him that seemed to light up the room. Was he always so adorable? How come I never noticed?

I reached for the coffee that he had placed on the nightstand. There was a photograph behind it of Sandra and him when they were younger. We still needed to talk; I wanted to know where I stood.

“Do you miss her?” It was a stupid question.

“Yeah, I miss her being here, I miss her company, her cooking.”

“I get that you’re lonely, I am too, but do you miss her?” He knew what I meant.

“We weren’t a couple for a long time, we didn’t even share the same bed, she slept in the spare room. We’ve been separated for about five years now. It was convenient that way and it paid the bills, but a few months back she found out that I was seeing somebody and she took off.”

“You told me that it was her who was screwing around.”

“It was Jody, believe me, she’s been fooling around for years, but I didn’t care because we weren’t together.”

“Then why was she so bothered about you?” It didn’t make sense, maybe I was too hung over for all this? He took his time answering.

“Because it was a guy who I was dating.”

“You had a boyfriend?” I didn’t want to look shocked but I was. Until yesterday, I had never had any doubts about his sexuality. He was always straight and everyone knew it.

He still looked agitated, there was something else, and I started to think that maybe he was still seeing this guy. My heart sank again to the pit of my stomach. After giving me hope, it would have been cruel to have found out that he was already taken, especially after revealing to me that he was gay. “Are you still seeing him?”

I battened down the hatches and prepared myself for the worst. If I had had the time I would have prayed.

“Oh God no, it was only for a few weeks and it was the only time that I’ve ever been with a guy.” I breathed out and he could see my relief and smiled.

“Honestly?” I smiled. “Just the one guy?”

“Yes!”

“I’m not gonna make a claim like that, but I guess I wasn’t married either.” I laughed and flirted with him, his confession would have bored most priests.

“Do you like me, Jody?”

What kind of question is that? “Yes, of course, I like you. I think you’re nice looking and I liked the way you treated me last night. You made me feel human again…you saved my life…and you got into a fight for me.” I wasn’t in the mood for games, I needed him to know how I felt.

“Well I guess you know that I like you, I made it pretty clear last night, so maybe we could get together sometime, you know, go out someplace?”

“Yeah, that would be cool, when did you have in mind?”

“How about Friday?”

How about now? “Yeah, Friday’s good for me.” I was excited, felt dizzy, and started to laugh. I might have been still drunk.

“What’s so funny?”

“I dunno, I just feel a bit silly. I mean I’m sitting in your bed arranging a date with you.”

“Oh, I guess it is a little odd.” I was blushing too and if I was going to wet myself soon.

“I need to use your bathroom.”

He stood up quickly and apologized before directing me along the hall and politely turning his back as I jumped out of bed in my underwear. When I reached the bathroom I had to stop myself from shouting at the top of my voice.

“Tommy and Jody, Jody and Tom.” It had a nice ring to it. I laughed for as long as it took me to pee and then smiled at myself in the mirror.

I still looked like a zombie, but a happy one and I was sure that would change once I got some sex under my belt. It must be like riding a bike, you don’t forget do you? Whatever, that could wait, I was in no hurry.

I walked back in and sat down on the bed giggling at his prudish behavior. I suppose he was trying to be a gentleman. “You can look if you want,” I said. “I’m not that shy and I’m guessing it was you who undressed me last night?” He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a naughty smile. “Yeah, I thought as much.”

“Your clothes were a little grubby.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind, I was a zombie remember. I just wished you had woken me up before taking my clothes off.”

He laughed. “I tried to, believe me, I did.”

“Damn those cocktails!”

Tommy searched his drawers and found me something to wear but he was still acting a little pensive like something was bothering him. Was I missing something important?

I was sitting on his bed pulling on a t-shirt when he came over and sat next to me.

“Jody, there’s something else I have to tell you, and it’s important that I tell you now before you find out from someone else.”

I froze and stared at him. I knew it was too good to be true. Is it just my luck? Has he got a terminal illness, is he gonna die soon? Is he wanted by the FBI?”

“I don’t know how to say this, but it’s the only way and before you start screaming at me, I want you to know that I’m only saying this because I want to be with you. I hope that you’re still willing to give it a chance.”

“Oh my God, what have you done?” If it’s anything to do with kids or dead people, then I’m outta here!

“The guy who I was seeing when Sandra found out…was Richard.”

It took me a while for it to sink in and we sat in silence for a good minute as I tried to work it all out. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hit him or kiss him. I was shell-shocked, numb, I needed more answers.

“How long?”

“I had only been a few weeks; it was long after he left you. We were out one night and I was feeling down. I was going through a bad time. He didn’t know about me, nobody did and I confessed to him. I told him that I like guys, we got drunk and I went home with him.”

“How long?”

“The last time we were together was two weeks ago. A few days later I told him that I didn’t wanna know anymore, it wasn’t fair on Kate. I know you hate her, but it’s not her. It’s Richard who’s the bad guy.”

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t know what to say. I knew he was gay, how can anyone turn straight like that, why is he marrying her?”

“I dunno, maybe he’s bi but definitely gay. I know that for sure.”

“We both do.”

“He wanted me to stay with him, I mean he really wanted me to stay, he wanted the best of both worlds I suppose, and it hurt him when I left.”

“Good, now he knows what it’s like. You were stupid Tommy, for falling for it, but I don’t blame you. You didn’t betray me he did, and he hurt me more than he will ever know. He’s good at hurting people and he’s probably gonna hurt her too.”

He reached out to squeeze my hand and smile at me. I could see why Richard liked him, Tommy was cute alright and he had done nothing wrong. How could I be angry at the guy who had saved my life?

“I’m sorry,” he said, but he didn’t need to. There was nothing really to forgive and I wasn’t prepared to be lonely anymore, not even for a minute longer. It was Richard’s turn now, he could take my place and suffer the way I did. Then I would tell Kate and he could watch me ride off into the sunset with his ex-boyfriend. I would have turned the tables on him completely.

Killing him would only have spared him the misery that he deserved.

I smiled at Tommy and then kissed him on the cheek. “You’ll never hurt me like that will you?”

“Never.”

“Do you think that Richard will invite us to the wedding?”

“Not a chance!”