The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 3. Chapter 3

Have you ever had one of those days when you're just horny? I don't mean like, 'boy I could really use some sex' kinda horny. I mean, 'I'll fuck anything that walks and probably a few things that don't' kinda horny! HORNY horny!!! That's how I feel today! Jesus Christ, if I masturbate anymore I'm going to break the old equipment. It was one of those moments when you've hit about three or four squirts in a row, but you find yourself getting hard again anyway. And even though you KNOW it's probably going to hurt something awful if you do it again, you can't help but give it a try anyway. I must be turning myself into a pervert. Hehehe! God, I can't believe I'm writing this! So much for showing this to my grand kids someday. The Diary Of Anne Frank, this is not.

Wow, I wonder if Jamie gets like this sometimes. If he gets really horny and is just looking for some moist hole to pleasure him for a while. See...dammit, if I was his friend, I'd at least have a better chance of being around when he does! Shit! Still...I mean he's a teenager, right? So he HAS to jack off sometimes. We all do. Every cute guy in my school, from the rejects to the pop kids. Sigh...just think, every time I shake Jamie's hand, I'll be touching a part of him that was touching his boner. Oh wow. I wonder what he thinks about. I wonder how he does it, with one hand, with two? Does he watch, or does he close his eyes? Maybe he cleans up right away, or maybe he just lays there, covered in juices, and just relaxes. Allowing his orgasmic high to come down slowly and delicately.

Ow...see? Now I'm all painfully erect again. But I'm NOT gonna do it. Geez, it feels like I sprained it already! Great, thinking about Jamie didn't help any. It's throbbing again, and it's going to drive me crazy if I don't get rid of this. ONE more time, and then I'm going to do something totally non-erotic for the rest of the night. With all the Vaseline I went through my dick's gonna shine like a searchlight for the rest of the week! Later.

Still no word on the Celia situation. I'm thinking that she must be the girl who likes me, I mean there can't be too many others. And none of them seem to be paying me any attention except for her. I tried talking to Celia in class one day, and it looked like she was about to have a stroke. She was sweating and nervous and giggly, and she looked so jittery that I had to back away before she exploded or something. Still, it's kinda cool. You know, sometimes I wonder if I could really be attracted to a girl in that way. I mean, I'm not blind. I know that they're pretty. Some are downright gorgeous. And then there's breasts. Hehehe! What? I'm curious! Now I'm a gay boy, born and bred, and they would look TERRIBLE on a guy! But on women, they kinda fascinate me sometimes. To just hold them and squeeze them and stuff. It would be kinda cool. Celia hasn't necessarily been blessed by the 'Boob Fairy' yet, but they're nice little cup shaped ones. Still, I'd take the long hard blessings of a boy over her any day.

What makes men so attractive to me? Hmmm...hard to tell. You know, it's like I look at them, and they just seem so damn tastey to me. Their tall, and thin, and they're just so firm in all the right places. Firm asses, strong arms, long powerful legs, smooth stomachs...their jaws, their necks, their hands. Every muscle has a purpose and a function. I know all the right parts to lick to make them scream. And then there's that one part...that one beautiful part of a man, with a mind of its own. The shape, the texture, the pure 'life' inside of it...so hard and yet so soft. So hot, and smooth, and the wonderful things it can do. Sigh...can you tell that I'm still horny?

I know that I may be considered young, but I really want to have sex. Not because of peer pressure or experimentation or any of that stuff that grown ups write in the textbooks to 'protect' us. I just...I want to feel that connection with somebody. I want to hold someone close to me and share myself with them. Not just anybody, but somebody special. I want to experience the tastes and the smells and the sensations that only sex can provide. I don't want to be a virgin anymore. I want this to happen. I'm impatient, I know, but when I think about sex all day long and I'm surrounded by beautiful specimens all day long, then hell yeah I'm going to want it. Some days, I can be wrestling with Sam, and I'll find myself getting hard, wanting to kiss him. Wanting to hold him against me, wanting to lick a long trail from the soles of his cute feet, up the inside of his thigh, and go straight for the gold. It sucks thinking of my best friend that way, and I probably shouldn't. But bullshit aside, he's a good looking boy, and we're already close. So every once in a while, I can detach him from the 'friend zone' and look at him in a sexual way. It almost makes me wish I didn't know him at all, so that I could appreciate his beauty in full. Instead, he could be the most beautiful boy on the planet, and he'd still look like a 'first cousin' to me. Go figure. I've gotta get laid before I start looking at the neighbor's DOG funny! Later!

You know what happened today? I was talking to Simon, right? And he said the whole Backstreet Boys and N'Sync thing was mostly targeted towards young gay teenagers! So I said, 'you're probably right.' And he said that there was nothing wrong with that. And if HE were gay, he would probably be chasing them too! Now he laughed sorta when he said it, but that's like...a 'sign' right? Like maybe he was trying to give me a hint or something? What if he's gay? What if? I mean, he's cute, and I was always wondering about him, so it might just be true. Imagine that...Simon and me, rolling around kissing and all. I wonder if he would take the glasses off. His lips are sooo cute, you know? I was watching them move when he talked, and they were just so pink and delicate when he formed the words. I HAVE to find out if he's gay! We would be good together, don't you think?

Then again, it makes me wonder. Do I like Simon because I really think he's special, or do I like him just because he's cute, OR do I like just because he just might be the only other gay boy in the whole damn school? He's 'available', you know? It's like starving a man in the desert for a week, and then he sees a single hot dog in front of him. Of course it's gonna look like a steak to HIM, but if there was a steak behind it, he'd probably go for the steak. Ok...not only amI not making any sense, but now I'm referring to Simon as a hot dog. I suppose I just don't want to make a mistake with everything. I guess I should wait things out a bit. But he IS a cutie, and he wore khaki pants today that just stretched soooo nicely over that tight ass of his! Hehehe! I swear, I just want to lay my head on those naked well-rounded cheeks and go to sleep. I'll talk to him some more and see what I can find out.

I went back to the library today, and didn't see Brandon in there at all. I was almost heartbroken. It might seem kinda selfish, but I always expected him to be there whenever I wanted a little lift in my day. I just wanted him to be chained up to a desk in there so I could stare at him whenever I wanted. Always buried in some book, always minding his own business, just completely unaware of exactly how 'pretty' he is. Yeah, that's what he is...'pretty'. Not handsome, because that's kinda dorky sounding. That's the kind of things your mom tells you when you're dressed up for church. And not 'gorgeous', because that's like a teeny bopper, prima donna, almost conceited look. Something reserved for the unapproachable and the untouchable, and Brandon was more accessible than that. He can't really be considered 'hot', because that's a jack off fantasy in the eyes of everyone around him. That's almost being brought to tears at the mere sight of him, wanting to be him, wanting to have him. Purely sexual when seen from a distance. And not really cute either, because that's like...a kid with a beautiful feature or two that just brightens up the rest of the package. Like a nice smile, or pretty eyes, or a button nose, something that stands out and makes the whole package so inviting. Definitely infatuation and minor obsession worthy. But 'pretty'...sigh...pretty is this natural untouched beauty that you look at and are SURE that it goes unnoticed by everybody but you. Something that you can't quite explain. I know it doesn't sound right, calling a guy pretty, but that's what he is. He's a single rose petal, a summer rain while the sun is still shining, a rainbow touching down in the middle of a lake. It's being totally unaware of how wonderful you look, and how much people just want to know everything about you from the first time they laid eyes on you. That's what Brandon is. I must admit that I really missed seeing him today.

Anyway, I'm going to meet Sam at the Hill today. So I'll talk to you later. I'm kinda glad I did this. This little notebook really helps to get my thoughts out. Lord knows I couldn't do that with anyone else. So...thanks.

- Billy