The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 4. Chapter 4

I had the weirdest dream last night! Well not weird so much, just out of the ordinary. And naturally, it was about Jamie! I think that I can officially classify this as an obsession at this point. Anyway, it was just him and me in the local mall, and we were shopping for stuff. And he kept laughing at all the weird sex games and stuff that we came upon in the Spencer Gift Shop. Stuff like 'over the hill pills' and 'sexual trivia' games. The sad thing is, there was nothing at all sexual about the dream. But I woke up with this feeling that everything was so beautiful outside. I mean, I'm sure that Jamie Cross is straight, and if he wasn't, he could probably find a cuter gay teenager than me to sleep with. Sigh...but I can't help but love him. And I HATE that!!! God, I hate it! ?Because, what if he doesn't like me? What if he's only into girls? What if he actually gives me a chance to be his true love, and then finds somebody better? Grrr! I WISH I could find some kind of control over the emotions in my heart, but I CAN'T! And it frustrates the shit out of me! Mostly because I stand to really get hurt here! I simply love that boy with all my heart, and if he doesn't feel the same way, THEN what do I do? Do I just 'shut it off' somehow? Is that even possible? What happens if I never find anyone else in my life that I love more? What happens if I die alone trying to find someone who is half the cutie that Jamie is? I won't lie, I've cried actual tears wondering if this is my one and only chance at happiness, and that it might be a big fantasy that can never come true. Sigh...I really hate this feeling sometimes.

Am I really obsessed? I wonder sometimes. And the people who would call me obsessed...do they really understand what true love feels like? It defies time. A week, ten weeks, ten months, ten years. Does it matter when you really are connected to someone. My heart doesn't know any better. It doesn't see the danger in loving somebody who's not interested. It doesn't understand the risk involved, or the consequences following a possible rejection. It's kind of like being hungry. When you're REALLY hungry, your stomach doesn't want to hear any excuses. It doesn't want to occupy itself with details and consequences and doubts and fears. It just knows what it needs and it urges you to go for it constantly until it's satisfied with the sustenance that you give it. That's what it feels like to be hopelessly in love. To just stare at something so perfect, so beautiful, and yet completely out of your reach. So much so, that you refuse to even look stupid trying to reach it. Kinda like trying to touch the moon. I truly hope that I can either convince him to return the love that I feel for him, or find a cure for the virus that keeps me so ill over him.

Did you know that I don't think I have a single thought in my head that doesn't involve sex with Jamie in one way or the other? I want him so bad that I can literally taste him when I walk past. The breath leaves my body and I can feel the magnetism from him, pulling me so strongly to just touch him. And yet, a piece of me feels so unworthy of touching him. So scared. You would think that I would be anxious to just tell him that I love him. But it's not that easy. To be honest, I am really enjoying being in love with him right now. Feeling that indescribable orgasmic high just from seeing him smile. I know that what I feel isn't returned, and that my fantasies aren't 'real' by any definition of the word. But...there is such a joy in knowing that he MIGHT be gay, and that he MIGHT be watching me! Love is grand, and ultimately, that is what I'm searching for, but I won't deny the guilty pleasure of not knowing how he feels. SCREW people who just live for results and say, "Do it right now, or be stupid and not do anything." People who say that have forgotten the true FUN that love can bring you. That mystery and shy smiles and hidden glances can provide. It's such a wonderful rush for me. And I love the feeling of it. I'm in no rush. Let THEM fuck 30 people and hope that they find they right one out of all of them. I'd rather bide my time and find someone that I really love. Someone that I can wait until the end of time for. Someone who will always keep me guessing. I'd like that a lot.

Well, I'd love to say that this entry would be about more than Jamie, but it isn't. And even though I started this entry pretty happy, it seems to have degenerated into something quite depressing. So why don't I just end this now while I'm in a decent mood. G'night.

Have you ever had one of those topsy turvey days where you go to school, and something just doesn't seem to be quite right? It's like somebody sent out a memo that said 'Fuck Billy' and I didn't get it? That's what today felt like. Some days, you're the most popular, most friendly, most well known kid in school. And the next...you find yourself running into people who can't even be bothered to speak. They look at you like you don't belong all of the sudden. None of your jokes seem to be funny to anybody, and no matter how badly you want to be in a good mood, everybody else just wants to break their back trying to bring you down. Can you tell that today was a shitty day? Well, it was. Even Sam...my best friend in the whole damn world, was just totally 'unappreciative' of everything that I did today. I'll be damned if I turn myself into a clown for their enjoyment. Or if I embarrass myself by putting forth any extra effort into making them talk to me. If they're no in the mood, then fuck 'em. Right? Huh? Well...that's the kind of person that I'd LIKE to be. The kind of person who seems to succeed in this world without guilt of any kind. But I can't even pretend that I'm one of those people who don't care.

I try. God knows I try. But I can't do it. I can't stand the idea of someone being pissed at me. It makes me feel like less of a person somehow. To think that for one moment, I actually said or did something to hurt someone else. It can be something as simple as cutting them off during a conversation, or accidently stepping on their foot in a crowd of kids in the hall. Even if I didn't do anything at all...it hurts me SO much to think that people are whispering and saying hurtful things behind my back. I don't know why I care so much. But at the same time, I wish other people would care MORE. I am completely baffled by assholes who can just insult people, or fight with them, or sleep with someone else's wife, or take someone else's job, or ignore someone without feeling bad inside. I mean, don't they have any idea how much pain that they cause someone else. Or do they give a shit? Maybe they just say to themselves, "I shouldn't be doing this. But this life is about what *I* want, and fuck the people who don't like it." I wonder. It sounds really bad, and I hate myself for saying it, but one day, I hope to be one of the people on top for a change. One of those people who gets to really truly hurt someone, irreparably, and just not care. To just be able to take in the joy of feeling good and never once feel bad about it. I want to be selfish. I want to be blissfully unaware of my karma and just feel GOOD for a change. Without all of the worries of guilt and conscience. I swear, if I cold turn that guilty feeling off, I would.

I saw Simon again today at lunch. And you wanna know something? He has gotten cuter and cuter to me ever since my suspicions of him being gay have surfaced. I look at him all the time now. And I sometimes masturbate thinking about him. He's SO beautiful! The thing that worries me most though, is the fact that my mind has become more strategic in approaching Simon than just plain fantasies. Instead, I've been thinking of way to approach him in a fool proof way to talk about sex, and then, after getting him all hot and bothered, I might be able to talk him into a little 'experiment' or two. I thought about a dozen reasons for him to want to come over to my house after school while my mom is away at work. Something, ANYTHING, that would give me some time alone with him. I wasn't sure exactly how I would get him naked and kissing me, my mind always skipped from him saying, "Sure, I'll come over." to "Oh baby, I love the way your tongue excites me." But for some reason, I was so confident that if I got him alone, whatever I came up with on the spur of the moment would work out perfectly. In fact, I was actually excited about it all! Thinking to myself, "WOW!!! I'm going to have a boyfriend! I'm going to have sex every single day, and it'll be soooo good!" I often wonder what sex will feel like. I am not really sure, but I think about it all the time. I just imagine it as being this awesome, lustful, merging of the flesh and the divine. This incredible, untouchable feeling of COMPLETE happiness and erotic satisfaction. A total awakening of the body and mind, where no question will go unanswered. I can't WAIT to fuck him!!! Hehehe! I know that's a bit forward, but I WANT him! Simon will taste SO good in my mouth! And his ass! WOW!!! I'll lick it inside and out! And he'll moan out loud, and tell me that I'm the best lover he's ever had! I'll make it so good for him. Ok...masturbation alert! When I can't write because the book is becoming quite 'unbalanced' in my lap...then it's time to find some relief! Hehehhee! I think I'm going to try it out this weekend. I'm going to talk to Simon and see if he's interested. He will be though. I can tell. Kewl! Sex at last! I'm SO excited!

Do you know what happened today? Brandon talked to me for like a whole ten minutes!!! It was SO cool! And I know I shouldn't sound so hyper over the whole thing, but I was so surprised to find such a cool person underneath his exterior image. I mean, he's usually kind of shy, and not really talkative. But when you ask the right questions, he really just...opens up and everything becomes so deep. I never had any idea that he was such a deep person. Usually, I ask him how his day was, and he just says 'fine'. Or I ask how he's feeling, and he just says...well...'fine'. I mean he's never really specific. It's like he doesn't expect anybody to really care. So he keeps all of the details of his life extremely vague. I always took it as him just not having much to say. But when I actually sat down and talked to him, he really surprised me. He let loose after a while, and I guess that he just felt like I wanted to know more about him. After that, he let go and told me some things that impressed me from the beginning to the end. I didn't know how much traveling he had done in his life. Or that he played sports in his old school. Or that he wanted to sing one time. I never knew that he wrote poetry, or that he could draw, or that he was a horror movie buff. Where was all of this stuff before? I guess I just didn't ask the right questions before. A piece of me was always more concerned with trying to make myself more interesting to HIM. So I would share bits and pieces of my life, or make small talk, and he loved it. But I don't think I ever really dove deep into who he was as a person. To me, he was just the cute guy that sat across the room from me in the library. And I STILL say he's damn pretty. I'd probably jack off with his amazing image locked in the back of my mind. But he was too good for that somehow. Even on a level that Jamie couldn't touch. Something about him excited me for no reason at all. Just the fact that he was 'there'. That he had dreams, and fears, and flaws, and things that made him smile that cute smile of his. Those are the things I liked about him. It wasn't sexual at all. It was...just...there. Always. But, I wasn't in love. I had other people in mind for that particular emotion. :)

I tried inviting Simon over today. Sigh...well, since I'm writing in this book instead of sucking his luscious boner (Hahahaha!), I guess you can assume that he turned me down. Not that he was rude about it. He just had to do stuff with the Science In Society club today after school. But he was actually kinda happy that I invited him. Is that supposed to be a sign too? I wonder. What am I gonna do when he gets here? I imagined that I would show him the house, ending my tour in my bedroom, and then he would close the door behind us. Then, when I turned around, he would walk up to me, and just take me in his arms and start kissing me. I would pretend to resist, but he would keep going, and I would shyly give in to his passion and lust. Then he would lay me down on my bed, and say, "I've been waiting for this for so long. I love you Billy. I have ALWAYS loved you. Everybody does." And then we'd 69 until we couldn't take anymore. Yeah...that's how it would happen. And it would be the best sex he ever had. Yep. So I'll try again soon. Maybe this coming weekend. We'll see. But I'll have to get control of my hormones. I actually got a boner just ASKING him today in class. It was like I was feeling the sexual pleasures of his hot mouth and tight ass right there in the classroom. I'm going to be so good to him. He'll never want anybody else. Candy and flowers...that's me all the way.

I've gotta go! Me and Sam are meeting at the 7-11 on the corner for a few rounds of Joust before getting some slurpees and slim jims and heading out to the hill. So I'll see you next time, oh great journal of mine. Take care. And I hope my next entry will be a lot 'racier'! :)

-Billy