The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 7. Chapter 7

- Well...I think that I made a HUGE mistake, asking Sam to back off on the 'mystery girl' search! We were at the Hill yesterday, and I tried my best to simply dismiss him from the task of digging up more info by making it look like I didn't care. Well, it seems that he took that to mean that I was getting depressed over not knowing who it was, and now he's going to be working TWICE as hard to find out! Ack! I just want him to STOP! I don't want a girlfriend! Please, please, PLEASE don't make me get one! I want a boy! Maybe I should send him looking for one of those instead. Just my luck, he'd come back with the gym teacher.

Anyway, aside from the frustration of digging myself deeper into the wrong hole (Hehehe, you know, I didn't even MEAN it that way! But it looks funny) with the girl situation...something else happened yesterday that I wasn't really prepared for. I mean, it happened to come over me one second and it wouldn't leave. Sam and I were just sitting on top of the slide, talking, and he paid me a complement or two to make me feel better about finding the girl who likes me. Then, all of the sudden, I looked over at him and saw a beautiful stranger in front of me. I know, I know...he's more like my brother than anything else. But...it was like this golden moment where he just became the cutest boy alive to me. It sounds so crazy, and God forbid if he were to ever READ this thing, but it's true. His hair, his eyes, his clothes, his body language, his chest, his lips, his neck...everything seemed to come together in JUST the right combination yesterday, for no reason at all. And I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted to hold him. My heart and mind agreed for once and said, "Yes Billy...this is the boy. This is the one you want." I spent the rest of the afternoon just being completely taken aback by him, and wondering what it would be like to kiss him, just once. The scary thing is that Sam did NOTHING at all to encourage it. It just sort of happened. But today...when I woke up this morning and saw him at school...it was gone. Vanished into thin air just as quickly as it appeared. Maybe it was just some weird infatuation that was only meant to last for a single afternoon. Existing in that deep dark place in our minds where 'one-night stands', 'adultery', and 'prison shower love' make total sense and don't become regrets until after the acts have already been committed. I'm going to chalk that up to a teenage hormone thing and assume that it was an instant moment of madness that won't be back.

As for today, nothing spectacular happened. Nothing that I noticed. My head was too mixed up in what happened with Sam, so I guess that everything else got pushed to the bottom of my attention list. Hope I didn't miss anything important. Later.

- Billy

- Well...it's on again. I talked to Simon, and asked him if he'd like to come over, and he said he'd love to. So at least I know I have another shot. And I think he really wanted to come over too, I could see it in his eyes. This could be it. If I wear the right clothes, say the right things, make all the right moves...we'll be together. I get hard just thinking about him sometimes. And you know, I hate to say it, but I think that I might have ruined anything else for us except for being boyfriends at this point. In MY mind anyway. It sounds like such a shitty thing to say, but it's true. It's like I traded in a budding friendship for a chance at love and sex. It's all I see when I look at him, it's all I think about when I'm talking to him. He's become a fantasy to me, which means that the rest of reality has to pretty much melt away for it to make any sense. I thought that maybe it would be easy to have it both ways. I guess not. The problem is, I don't know whether I'd miss the friendship at all if we became boyfriends. And yet, to try to be friends with him WITHOUT the promise of candy kisses and mindblowing sex seems...I dunno...a bit useless. Ouch, that sounds much worse than I meant it to. What I mean is...I don't know if I could keep being 'just friends' with him after looking at him this way. I want to feel him close to me, I want to taste him and nuzzle my nose into the curve of his neck. I don't want to hold back and stare at him from a distance, wishing that I could be with him. It's not worth the agony. Sigh...does this make me a bad person? Simon was always so cool with me. I remember when we used to just talk and have fun. Now all I do is worry about when I can get him over to my house and do him. I wonder just how much something like this is going to change things between us.

In contrast to that, however, there's Jamie Cross...who I only caught a few glimpses of today in passing. See, he's untouchable. Untouchable in every sense of the word as far as I'm concerned. But, that's almost MORE comforting than having him within my physical reach. I mean, I think about him all the time and dream of the two of us just holding hands...he's everything that I could ever want. And he's HOT! I'd love to be noble and say that his 'molten lava' rating on the beauty charts wasn't a part of my obsession with him, but let's be honest here...being THAT damn lickable in every spot visible to the human eye (and many that aren't), don't hurt! Still...deep down, I think that I realize that I'll never actually be able to GET him. That's a part of what allows me to love him so openly and freely and give myself over to the emotion so completely. I know I don't have the guts to talk to him, and I know he's not gay, and I know I'm not going to just walk up and grab his ass with a smile. So that makes it easy, risk free. Now that I look at it, that sounds SO backwards! To long for someone that you know you can't have, so you use that as fuel to long for him even more. Weird. Anyway, the point is, I WANT Jamie Cross to be my soul mate for life, but I equate that with meeting God in person. I mean, I want it, I dream of it, I hope that it happens someday...but if it were to ever really happen...I'd be so lost that I wouldn't know what to do with the opportunity. I imagine myself exploding right then and there, and that wouldn't make the best lasting impression, I'm sure.

In other news, I failed a math test earlier today. It wasn't all that hard, I mean, looking at it right now it seems pretty easy. I can see the mistakes I made on the equations and wondered exactly what the hell I was thinking. But you know what? I just...I wasn't in the mood to take a test today. Hehehe, yeah. THAT would have been a MARVELOUS excuse! "Sorry, but I really don't feel like it today, can't we do this tomorrow?" Still, I don't think they have any kind of real procedure for us when we're dealing with anything other than textbooks and chalkboards. In fact, it's times like this that I wonder if there's anything even remotely human about their teaching methods at all. Somedays, I feel like an individual, like a human being with thoughts and feelings and...occassionally...mood swings. But other days? I feel like a piece of 'product'. You know, like those mass manufactured parcels sitting on a conveyor belt? Thirty kids at a time, shuffled to one part of the factory, and the english teacher stamps us with a marking, then they shuffle us to the next area where the math teacher adds some glue before shuffling us to gym class where we see a spark as they weld on another piece. This goes on and on, from one set of kids to another, until they 'distribute' us out to the public at the end of the day. But there's no humanity in it. Sometimes I feel as though asking a question would somehow disrupt the flow of the conveyor belt entirely and cause a blockage in the well oiled machine. I'm just product, another hunk of junk that won't survive unless every teacher adds their specific piece to my structure. I guess this was one of those days, when I didn't see the need to stand out. It's a weird feeling. Anyway, I'm just being silly and moody and weird, so I'm going to stop this here before I get all spacey. Later.

- Billy

- For the first time, I got the nerve to go over and talk to Brandon in the library today. Now that I've actually spoken to him a bit, I don't know what the big deal was. I think I just had it in the back of my mind that he'd be quick to roll his eyes and tell me to get lost. But he didn't. There were still sometimes when he'd pull a complete Jekyll and Hyde on me though. He could be open and friendly in the morning, and then see me later on in the day and hardly say anything at all. I guess since I caught him in the middle of the day this time, he was still balanced before the change had fully taken control of him. Anyway, he welcomed me over to sit with him and we talked for the rest of the period. I was just going to engage in some small talk and then be quiet so that he could finish whatever it was he was working on, but he closed the book and we just kept on talking until time to go. It was great. And he had to actually stand up from the table, that erotically curved butt rising up to be at eye level, that I remembered who I was talking to here. Hehehe, I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to be staring. Sigh...am I supposed to be attracted to this many people at once? I tried thinking of being with Jamie, Brandon, and Simon, all at the same time when 'pleasuring' myself...but my mind couldn't keep all of the cast members together. Hehehe, you know, if you put too many people in your fantasies, they get all warped and you have to postion everybody, and work out logistics...it's just too much of a hassle. It stops being erotic when you really have to think about it.

Ever since that day at the Hill, I've been keeping a close eye on my best friend Sam. I keep looking at him as thought the infatuation was going to magically jump out at me again. Almost like trying to see those 3-D images at the mall, they just appear out of nowhere, and just when you have a handle on them, they fade away and you have to work to get them back. I was a bit confused as to whether or not I even wanted it back, to be honest. It was weird seeing him like that and feeling it so strongly. But, there was an eerie comfort in it too. It's too much of a mindbender to really get into, but I'm always wondering if it's going to clobber me over the head one day and I'll be forced to jump him. Only time will tell, I s'pose.

Melissa has been getting extremely 'touchy feely' ever since I let her run her fingers through my hair a few days ago. I don't think she ever believed that I'd let her touch me for that long, but once she got a taste, she didn't want to stop. She loves my hair most of all, but she also likes to wrap her arms around me because she says I'm 'soft in the sides'. I certainly HOPE that she meant it as a complement. She's become fascinated with the hair though, and I have to tell you, it's the best feeling in the world. I feel like a cat or something, the way that she pets me, and my whole scalp tingles after a few minutes of the contact. Also...and don't tell the 'gay' side of me that I said this...but I get a boner. And I don't mean once or twice, I mean EVERY time! Hehehe, maybe there's a certain part of my anatomy that doesn't really care as much about male and female as the rest of me does. But it feels good, it makes her feel good, it makes 'Mr. Winky' feel good...so I don't see any reason to ruin the fun of two (and a half) happy people.

I'm going to clean up my room a bit to get ready for Simon to come over tomorrow. This is going to be better this time, I know it. I'll just approach him with an idea, and we can take it from there. I mean, I'm assuming that he's a version too. He's GOTTA want some action just as badly as I do! Maybe I should try running my fingers through HIS hair. If it does to him anything even remotely similar to what it does to me...he'll be hard as a rock in seconds. And all little gay boys know that it's easier to negotiate some experimentation when a stiffy is involved. Sigh...I just hope that I can think of something this time. Because I want him, I really do. I'm tired of being alone. So tired.

- Billy