The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 13. Chapter 13

Tomorrow is the day! It's the day that Simon comes over and I try to find the courage to jump him and grab that sweet loving ass of his that I've been waiting so anxiously for. And now...I don't know if it'll be possible. And why is that, you ask? Because I have an infection in my life. It's called a wannabe GIRLFRIEND! Arrrrgh!

You know, these things shouldn't be HALF as terrifying as it is for me right now. If I were straight, I'd be doing backflips and jerking off ten times a day thinking of the possibilities. But I'm not. I'm scared. REALLY scared. I mean...we're talking about total exposure here! Me not giving in and accepting Joanna's invitation to 'go steady' is like Mike Tyson backing out of a fight. When you're perceived a certain way by everybody you know...they're kinda expecting you to adhere to that image at all times. Now the waters are being tested and I don't have any way to prevent it. This was all so much easier when EVERYBODY thought that girls were icky and not just me.

I think the girls have been talking a lot more than the guys have. At least as far as I know. I've been noticing their behavior shifting little by little, kinda like watching the animals along with the Croccidile Hunter! And their activities have become somewhat abnormal around me. More smiles, more 'casual conversation' than normal, more giggles....they know what's going on. They HAVE to know! They can sense it, and have become unsuspecting victims of the inevitable chain reaction of emotional attachment. You know how it works....one girl likes one boy. She tells her friends, and they all begin to look at you to see why. To find out why this girl would suddenly decide to love you so much. And in that search for a reason, they begin to discover things about you that they never saw before, and they start to think, "Well....actually...he IS kinda cute." That passes on from girl to girl to girl, and the next thing you know, you're the new celebrity on the block and they all wish they could be the one kissing you under the bleachers. Trust me on this, I've seen it happen many many times! I don't think I'm ready for all this.

I walk around nervous all day, everytime I hear someone laugh, I wonder if it's at my expense. I'm more paranoid than EVER! On top of everything else, Brandon hardly talked to me today at all. I saw him in the library, and he was leaving as I walked in...he didn't even look me in the eye. He just mumbled a short greeting and said he had to go. Does he know? Does everyone know? My mind isn't making up all of this at once...some of this delusion has GOT to be real. Fortunately, I was able to dodge Joanna all day, and didn't so much as see her in the hallway. So I guess I'm ahead of the game in that sense. But I'm still going to have to find a way to disappear until this all blows over and hopefully everyone forgets that she likes me. How long would something like that take? Two weeks? Three? Sighhhh....who knows? What am I gonna do? I can't just ditch school everyday, I'd flunk. I'm so stuck right now.

What if JAMIE finds out??? Oh....my....God! If the love of my life, the superstar of my hopes and dreams, starts thinking I'm straight and turns away from even considering me a possible target for at LEAST a one night stand....I'll stab a sword through my middle! I swear! I'll take poison! I'll throw myself off of the school roof! I'll...I'll...JUMP in a meat grinder and serve myself to the whole school at lunch time! No WAY I could live with that!

I've got to find a way to make myself unlikeable to her. That's all. Like...I could beat her up if I wanted to. I mean...a few threats go a long way and....and I could just....sighhh. Oh let's be serious. I'm not gonna beat her up! That's stupid. Besides...if I lost, I'd REALLY be shot down to the bottom of the barrel popularity wise! I guess I'll just have to think of a way to turn her off as quickly as I supposedly turned her on. If I can pull it off, she'll leave me alone, and the other girls will too. Now....exactly how do I go about doing that?

Sam seems overjoyed with my position, and he wants me to go for it. Just watching him bounce up and down on my bed and grinning from ear to ear....something about it made me feel so bad inside. I mean...it really hurt for some reason. Maybe it's because I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. You know? Maybe it's the fact that on most occassions, I'd want to give HIM my love over anybody. Sam is...cute to me. And we're already friends, so we're half way there. But the only thing that makes him happy is the idea that some girl is fantasizing about me and I should be 'grateful' for such an opportunity. It can be a truly horrible feeling sometimes...living inside such a restricting lie.

I'm going to bed now. Nothing more to say...other than I wish none of this had ever happened. Wish me luck, ok? I need it.

-Billy

It's official...Brandon must hate me. He must really hate me. He doesn't talk to me at ALL all of the sudden, and you wanna know something? I miss him. I mean, not so much the big infatuated stares into his eyes and looking at his butt and all. I mean that I actually miss HIM. It's weird, but I never knew he played such an important part of my day until he was absent from it. I don't understand. What did I do?

I saw him locking up his bike this morning, and when I said hello, he kinda smiled and said hi. But then he just walked away. I saw him in the hallway, and I KNOW he saw me, but he just averted his eyes and took a detour around me. He didn't even SPEAK to me this time. This isn't FAIR! I didn't even see him in the library today, but then again, I guess he knew I'd be looking for him there. Maybe he didn't show up on purpose. It really was a needle in my side to have him not talk to me. I don't like this at all.

Simon came over again today. So you're probably wondering if I did it? If I finally found the courage to do it. Well....do I LOOK especially happy to you? Alright then.

I don't think my mind was in the right place for it today, you know? I mean, I wanted to. I REALLY wanted to. Everything Simon does is cute to me at this point. And I love the smell of his breath. It's so cool. Like puppy dog breath mixed with day old candy. Hehehe, ok, that makes me sound kinda freaky! But it's true. Kissing him would be more incredible than anything you could ever imagine. But...my heart wasn't in it today. Actually, you wanna know the truth? I think the fact that Brandon gave me such a cold shoulder today really bothered me more than anything. Something about it made me feel...'less than'. I think that's the only way I can think of to describe it. It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but something about it just digd into me deep. It kinda...you know...hurts.

Anyway, having Simon over was cool, but it seemed like more of a distraction from my thoughts than anything even remotely romantic. So I spent most of my time spacing out and thinking of what I could do or say to make Brandon talk to me again. Sighhh...don't ask me to explain it, because I can't. I'm just...weird.

The only other thing that happened today worth mentioning was that Jimmy waved to me in the hall today. Kinda timidly, and without a smile. Like some kind of undercover cop giving a signal to his fellow officers or something. I think he's feeling a bit better though, and his eye will probably heal up in another week or two. The embarassment of it all is passing over him a lot quicker than expected. So he should be back to normal in no time. Or...whatever 'normal' is for Jimmy, anyway.

I've gotta go. Even now I'm spacing out again, and my mind's not right. I'll write more later.

- Billy

Ok....this is really starting to bother me more than I can stand, and I HAVE to do something about it. I checked all over the school for Brandon today between periods, and he wasn't in ANY of his usual places. Then, Sam and I just happened to see him in the hallway as we were walking to the gym...and he totally DODGED me! Without saying anything. Like he didn't even SEE me! Awwwww.....what did I DO??? That's so not cool.

This whole situation was actually starting to make me feel like some kind of scumbag or something. I LIKED Brandon! He was cool. And he was cute. And he was fun to be around. I never really thought about him being gay....well...I THOUGHT about it, but never really considered it a possibility. He's too...'pretty' to be gay. If THAT makes any sense. Anyway, as cute as he was, I never figured I had a chance. So it's not like I was just trying to get in his pants. I actually enjoyed talking to him and being with him and just...HIM. Even though it was just a few short conversations here and there about nothing all that important, it was something to look forward to. Now he's being all strange and it's killing me. Arrrrgh! Life is just frustrating right now.

Joanna smiled at me today in the lunchroom. She MUST know that I know by now. In fact, she's probably the one who sent out her planted 'informant' to make sure the word reached me in the first place. Girls are crafty like that. The bad thing is...I smiled BACK at her! WHY??? Why the FUCK did I do THAT??? I was nervous! I didn't know what to do, and my lips seemed to curl up all on their own! So she blushed and giggled and I heard the table of females start giggling along with her. NOW she thinks I feel the same way! And that's going to escalate things much faster than I had planned. Thank goodness for me that she was too chicken to walk over to me right then and there and ask me out. I was able to jump out of THAT situation pretty easy, but it's only a temporary solution. She'll be there tomorrow, and something tells me she's going to have TWICE the confidence that she had before.

So that's my world right now. The person I want to get close to is trying to be as distant as possible. And the person I want to distance myself from is getting closer and closer every day. Life sucks...nuff said.

- Billy