The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 19. Chapter 19

- Do you know what Sam told me today? He says that he doesn't think Brandon likes him much. Those are Sam's exact words, in fact. It struck me as odd, because Brandon likes pretty much everybody. Well...at least he 'seems' to. I've never really seen him mad at anyone before. He's always bbeen one of those quietly cheerful people that doesn't let anybody bother him. According to Sam though, he hasn't been so friendly lately. Basically the whole story was that Sam just got a negative vibe from him today, and it's been getting worse lately. He said that Brandon saw him in the hall today, and not only 'snubbed' him completely (Which I can believe, because Brandon usually keeps to himself anyway), but he gave him somewhat of a dirty look as he walked past. The strange thing is...I can't imagine what a so-called 'dirty look' would look like coming from Brandon. He's too damn pretty to give someone a dirty look.

Sam didn't really go into much more detail than that, but I'm kinda looking forward to finding out what all of that was about. Sam is a confident guy, he doesn't neccessarily have a need to make these things up in his head. I don't get it. Brandon was becoming such a cool and enlightening part of my school day, and now he's gotten incredibly hard to read. One minute he's friendly, the next he's avoiding me, then he's talking to me but not being sincere about anything, and then he's back to being friendly again. I'm starting to think that there's like four different VERSIONS of him running around the school on any given day. Weird.

Do you know that I only saw Jamie Cross' chest that one time in the locker room, and I'm STILL thinking about it? Still wanting him, still excited about him, still swept up by the mere mention of his name? Have you ever been so wrapped up in somebody that you can practically 'taste' the very thought of them? That's how it is with Jaime. He could effortlessly sneak his way into my every thought, and wreak whatever kinda havoc he wanted to while I sat back and watched with a goofy smile on my face. I want him so bad it hurts! I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself if I can't have him. Because I don't think this feeling is ever gonna wear off. Super delicious teenage blonds...they should be illegal in places where gay boys roam.

I did see Joanna today in the hall. The first time since our 'date', and waved hello from a distance of no less than 15 feet. She was happy that I acknowledged her, but didn't really do much to spark up a conversation. Not like she would have before. It got me to thinking that maybe she didn't have that great a time with me at the movies. Or maybe she was shy? Or maybe...Arrrrgh! I don't KNOW! NOW look what she's doing to me!!! As much as I wanted to get away from the situation in the beginning, I'll be DAMNED if I go down in her memory as a 'lame date' or something. You know, I should just leave this alone and consider myself lucky that I got off this easy. But instead, my pride started to get the best of me. I wanted some answers, just to make sure. I should have called her. Just to make sure, you know? But I was nervous...worried...stupid. I didn't want to give the wrong signals, which I guess are the right signals, but for me would be the wrong signals. This girl has got me so confused. Things were just beginning to get easy again.

I'm gonna get some sleep. Tomorrow I hope to think a little more clearly. Today's been kinda cloudy. What can I do? I'm moody! Hehehe! G'night.

- Billy

- I'm writing this in my room with the lights off, so I hope that it'll be somewhat legible in the morning. I just want my parents to think that I'm asleep. As though I could sleep through all of the shouting downstairs. My mom and dad had a pretty big fight tonight. About what? Who knows? It might have been money, it might have been me, it might have been something completely random altogether. But whatever it was, it caused them to scream it out until it was finished with the sound of a slamming bedroom door.

I've always hated the sound of my parents fighting. For some reason, there's nothing more terrifying than that. It's like witnessing the fight between Satan and God right there in front of you, two huge deities duking it out while you cringe and cower in their presence. I was really scared. It kinda makes you ache down in the pit of your stomach. It hurts you twice as much as it hurts them, I'm sure. Because they have the anger to keep them strong. All you've got to fall back on is more fear. And that makes you even weaker than when you started. It's hard to explain. Thankfully, it was over pretty fast. Well....the shouting part was anyway. All that's left now is silence. At first I wondered if that was even worse than the shouting...but no. I decided the shouting was worse. Hands down.

I saw Simon today, and he had a bit of a cold. His nose was pink, and he had the sniffles along with an irregular cough. Nothing major though. I'D still kiss him! Hehehe! Anyway, he asked about the date with Joanna and how it went. And I was honest, I had a good time. But I also kinda downplayed it a little bit, giving him every hope that I might still be interested. Just in case Simon wanted to come over and make any big 'confessions' any time soon. Don't think for a single second that I had forgotten about jumping his bones and sucking him dry sometime soon! I've just been preoccuppied lately.

I tried calling Joanna when I got home tonight, but chickened out. Something about calling her twisted up my every sense of logic and made me nervous. I didn't know what to say to her, or NOT say to her. And why can't GIRLS be the forward ones every now and then? Why can't they call the boys once in a while and make THEM feel loved? I don't wanna be the 'worker ant' this time. I'm just as confused as she is. IF she's confused at all. She could plotting against me this very minute for all I know. Ok..I chickened out tonight. But I WILL call her tomorrow night! I really will! I just hope she doesn't think I'm a dork or something. Because I'm not....I don't think. Ack! Whatever. Gotta run. Lights out. Later...

-Billy

- There was an altercation in school today. And some of the guys in gym class made Jimmy LaPlane cry. I mean...actually CRY. They weren't really hitting him or anything, but they were teasing him pretty bad, and then started shoving him back and forth. It wasn't anything worse than what they give to the rest of us, I guess. But to Jimmy....he took it really hard. I felt so bad. I should have stopped it before it got that far. But I didn't. I hate to admit it, but high school kids are definitely 'pack' animals. You follow the herd and the outcast gets tossed aside. That's how the system works. It's an awful thing to do to somebody though, and afterwards I tried to cheer Jimmy up a little bit by letting him know that I thought it was stupid what they were doing to him. He thanked me and all, even gave me a hug, but it was cold. You know? Like....he was just doing it to make ME feel better. I didn't need to feel better, I was supposed to be there for him. But what could I do? He had people that didn't like him...there really wasn't a whole lot that I could do about that. I'd love to make it so he was loved by all, but the fact of the matter is...he wasn't. And that had to suck worse than anything.

Jimmy is a weird kid sometimes, and built a little scrawny in comparison to the rest of us, but he DOES have feelings. So I tried to give him a little attention today. Not out of charity, but because I really wanted him to know that at least someone was out there thinking about him in a positive way. Anything less would just be cruel.

Brandon made the mistake of going back to the library this afternoon. I say 'mistake', because I was able to walk in and find him. I don't think he was happy to see me when I came accross him and said his name. In fact, I could have sworn he rolled his eyes at me. I sat down next to him and tried to pick up some sort of friendly communication, but he wasn't into it at all. Not at ALL. I got some quick, one phrase answers and a few weak smiles, but that was it. What was the strangest part though, was that it didn't neccessarily feel like it was 'directed' towards me. If anything, I felt somewhat protected from whatever it was that was bothering him. He was being polite...he was always polite. But not friendly, not 'Brandon'. And sitting next to him...I missed it. I missed feeling that extra energy that he gave me when he spoke to me. I missed that flare in his eyes, or that gleam in his smile. He was beng so...numb towards me. I didn't know exactly what to make of that, so I didn't force it. I just sat next to him and made the best of our conversation as I could. And even got ONE decent smile out of him when I mentioned my art teacher's possible drug problem from the weirdness of her walk, talk, and concept of reality. (Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em!) It was probably the first true sign of the real Brandon that I had seen in the past week and a half. It's so cool to have someone around you that makes you smile just by being there beside you. Someone that you think of and actually feel something inside, moving your emotions arond and mixing them up like some kind of pot luck stew. Brandon, my pretty pretty Brandon...he was that guy for today. He's kissable when he wants to be, you know that?

That's pretty much my report for today....yep....that's it....

Sighhhhh....ok, so I'm supposed to be honest in this book, right? Ok, FINE! I didn't call Joanna tonight! But I SWEAR that I'm gonna do it tomorrow! I swear to God! I just need...I just need to know...well, I don't know WHAT'S wrong with me! But I wasn't ready tonight. So I am going to wait until my voice sounds a little bit better. And then I'll find out what's going on with her. I hope she had a good time, because if she didn't, then that means that it was ME! And if I can't even get a GIRL (Who thinks I'm HOT, by the way) to like me, then how the hell am I going to seduce another boy into it? These questions and more, hopefully answered by the time I'm 50 years old. Wish me luck.

- Billy