The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 20. Chapter 20

- Well...I think I might have made a big mistake today. A BIG mistake! And I've pretty much been kicking myself all night until this very moment when I sat to write this down. Sighhh...well...I might have fucked up things with Simon. I KNEW I shouldn't have pushed too hard! I just KNEW it! You know, he asked to come over again today. He was looking so damn cute today in school that I could hardly stop staring. I was super horny, and just...I just wanted to be with him, you know? I wanted to try stuff, even if it was just a blowjob or maybe just some heavy kissing. I just wanna know what it feels like. Being close to another boy. I guess, when he asked me...I got kind of excited and took that to mean that this would be my chance.

WRONG!!!

He came over, and we were talking and playing games like we always do. I could have just left it alone, but I didn't want to chicken out again. I didn't want to spoil yet another chance to have sex with him. He was right there, and he was sooo beautiful. I don't know what it was that got me so desperate all of the sudden. But it made me willing to try ANYTHING to get him to respond! So I kept touching him whenever I had the chance, or sitting really close to him on the bed, or leaning really close to his face until our cheeks were almost touching...just in case it would promote a little tongue action. But the grand finale came when we started wrestling on the bed. I was trying to get close to him until he laughed at me and told me to back up a bit. So I played along, and used the opportunity to get even closer than before. That's when he playfully put me in a headlock and we started rolling around. It was hardly a sexual encounter, but I was so hard that I thought I'd burst any second! It was the most 'activity' that I've ever had with a boy that I liked this much. Then...something went wrong.

In my mind, this whole tumble became super sexual, and I think I let my hands wander a bit much for him. I don't know WHAT the hell I was thinking, but even though I knew I was taking the biggest risk of my life...I couldn't stop myself. I grabbed at him as 'secretly' as I could, letting my hands rub his sweet little ass, hugging his waist close to me, trying to pin him on his back or letting him pin me on mine. It was so damn HOT to me! I was even pushing my face as close into his groin area as I could...just for a sniff, or a lick, or to hopefully feel his hardness against my cheek. Maybe even against my lips. Somewhere in my sexed up state, I honestly thought I could get him riled up enough to have sex with me. But at one point, I had him on his stomach while I was on top of him...and I made my biggest mistake...I pushed my hips into him. I didn't MEAN to...well...maybe I DID! I don't know! All I know is that he was under me, and his tight little round bottom was pressing up into me as he tried to get up, and....and I thought he was 'into it'. The more he wiggled, the more turned on I got. I pushed my dick right into those cushioned cheeks of his and felt a surge of pleasure rush through my whole body! But...having him feel me hard against his butt was crossing the line, I guess.

He sort of stopped struggling and told me, "Ok...that's enough." I was kinda scared, but was hoping to giggle a bit and he'd get back into the game. He didn't though. He said, "No, Billy. I'm serious. Get off me." Which he followed with, "Now. Get off me. No fooling." So I did. I was shaking so hard that I thought he'd be able to see it. He gave me a weird look, and straightened his clothes up as he caught his breath. His face was red and his hair was a little messed up, but he was still cute. I made sure to hide my erection, which was growing to champion lengths at that moment. But I'm sure he knew what he felt, and he only stayed for about five minutes longer after that. Basically just finished one game on the Playstation, grabbed his shoes, and said he had to go. I was TERRIFIED that he was going to tell somebody, or call me a 'fag' and walk out! Whatever was on his mind, he didn't let me know. He just....left.

I can honestly say that as good as it felt, I regret every SECOND of it! Why did I have to be so STUPID??? Everything was going great! We were talking, he was coming over to my house, we were laughing and spending time alone. I just wish I knew what made me think that I could suddenly jump three hundred steps ahead in the evolution of this thing in one afternoon. I think my body was just in dire need or something.

Anyway...something tells me that I ruined everything with Simon, and it hurts something awful to know that he's probably gonna hate me for it. This sucks. Believe it or not, for the first time EVER, Jimmy LaPlane asked me if I wanted to do something after school today. Why, I'll never know. We've never done anything together before. But noooooooo...I had to tun Jimmy down so I could fuck up my life and destroy my chances with Simon! Stupid! Just goes to show that fate always gives you a way out. I should have chosen door #2 this time.

That's it for tonight. I'm going to bed early, even if it IS Friday. Now I'll have to think about this all weekend long, and hope that Simon hasn't spread the word about me being a homo to anyone by Monday morning. I can't believe that I was so damn sloppy. I deserve to be 'outed'.

-Billy

- Well, I didn't wake up to picket signs and the villagers waving torches at my house, so I'm assuming that Simon hasn't really told anybody yet. Not that an 'assumption' can give me ANY comfort whatsoever! I guess I can always deny it. Right? I can always say that it wasn't me, that I didn't do it, that he made it up...it's his word against mine. I might even be able to convince him that he misinterpreted what was going on. I don't know..but I'm sure that I could say SOMETHING! God, I wish I hadn't put myself in this position.

Outside of my need to panic, I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied. Luckily for me, that distraction came in the form of a phone call from my....um...girlfriend. Still sounds weird calling Joanna that. I don't even know if I should be calling here that just yet. Anyway, not only was it going to get me out of the house, but it put to rest another nagging hang up of mine. Wondering if she wanted to still talk to me or not. I suppose I could have asked, but it was an issue I don't think I was ready to tackle today.

It turns out her and some of her friends were going to the shopping mall today, just to shop, hang out, and maybe grab some lunch. It sounded pretty cool to me, so I hopped on the first bus and met them there. One of the other girls I recognized from school, and I think I had seen one the boys walking through the school hallway once or twice. The other boy, however...he was kinda cute. His name is Lee, and he's fun to look at, believe me. Not that I could really 'stare', considering the company that I was in. But he was cute nonetheless. And taller than me. He must have been almost 6 feet tall, give or take an inch. But I liked his long arms and legs. You look at him and just imagine them wrapping all around you naked...like an octopus. PLUS...he was funny as hell and friendly too. So I'm glad I went.

The highlight of my day was catching a glimpse of that same gay boy that I had seen there a few weeks ago! Meaning that he was definitely a regular mallrat in that place. I don't know why that excited me, because I don't plan to ever DO anything about it. Especially after yesterday! I don't even want to be caught 'talking' to another gay person until this all blows over and I know my secret is safe. But wow...what a possibility. It took some strategy to sorta distance myself from Joanna a bit while he was around. I tried to guide our group towards parts of the mall that he was in, just so I could peek at him out of the corner of my eye. He's REALLY cute, you know that? Just the soft way that he moves and laughs. Kinda girly and swishy, but in that really sexy androgynous way. I'll bet he's so warm to the touch. I wonder what his name is? Probably someting cute like 'Josh', or 'Justin', or....I dunno. Something cool. There were a couple of times he saw me, so that was awesome. I don't know if he was smiling at me in particular, or was just smiling and happened to look my way before it left his face. But it made me really nervous...you know...in a 'good' way.

Strange...going to the mall with my girlfriend to check out other guys. There's gotta be some kind of sitcom type laugh track ready to kick in any minute.

The mall was fun for a few hours, played some arcade games, checked out a book store or two...decent time. Lee and the other boy, Ted, even followed me into the toy store for a while so the girls could go involve themselves in their cult ritual of shopping for costume jewelry. How guys and girls could EVER get together is beyond me. We are MUCH too different! Then it was a bus ride home, and another kiss on the cheek before Joanna got off. She asked if she could call sometime, and I was happy to agree. Afterall, I seem to be too scared to call her instead.

Overall, the day helped to calm my nerves for a little while. I suppose I should be grateful for the distraction. But once you get home again, and you have some time to think...those same problems that you were trying so hard to avoid are right there waiting for you. Like I said, though...all I've gotta do is wait until Monday.

Later.

-Billy

- To be honest, I'm not happy. I'm sitting here, practically locked in my own room again, and trying to calm my nerves down. My parents seem to be at it again, and I really didn't even feel like writing in this damn book today. I'm only doing it because I promised I'd try to make a new entry every day. So far I've been good about it. I guess it would be too much of a shame to break the cycle now. Still, life sucks. So I'll keep it short.

Joanna called today. When she said she'd call, I didn't think she meant TODAY. But I took it in my room, and we started out having a cool conversation. She really is a cool person. I wonder if I'm truly missing out on someone special by being the way I am. Then...just as I was forgetting that she was a 'girl'...she keeps on talking. For a half hour. Then an hour. Then an hour and a HALF! Then TWO HOURS!!! I'm watching the clock, wonderng how the hell even SHE can keep going after all this time. My ear was sweaty, my ass was sore, my shoulder was cramped up...I could have read an entire BOOK in the amount of time it took her to finish. She had JUST seen me yesterday, for goodness sakes! There are people I haven't seen in two or three years that I don't yap with for that long! Jesus!

Still, she's a cool person, so I sorta enjoyed it. Wish I could get an hour and a half of that time back though. When it's me and Sam...our phone conversations last like 20 minutes. That's it. Why can't that be possible for girls too, huh?

Anyway, my mom and dad seem to be fighting about little things that are hardly worth mentioning these days. Much less yelling about. What's worse, even when the fight is over, they're both still angry and I can't really talk to either one of them until later. I can't even walk to the kitchen or the bathroom without feeling guilty for crossing their 'warzone' without permission. Not to mention the fact that I never...and I mean NEVER...see them make up. Not anymore. They just fight, keep quiet, and then don't talk to each other again until the anger has died down a bit and they're ready to be civil for the sake of family and household. I'm just getting sick of it. As though I don't have enough to worry about without them going beser on me everyday.

I'm not in the best of moods. So I'm going to make myself a quick sandwich and eat it in my room. Wish me luck. I probably shouldn't leave my homebase without a warhelmet. G'night.

-Billy