The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 24. Chapter 24

- Ok.....SLIGHT problem here today! I talked to Joanna at lunch today, walking over and expecting everything to be 'normal'. Well, the second I sit down, she starts being a little more clingy than usual, hugging my arm and everything, and the next thing I know...she's asking me about going to some stupid DANCE next Friday! Is she kidding? Billy Chase does NOT dance! I repeat...Billy Chase? Dancing? No! Nada! Never! Never EVER! NOT gonna happen! I have only been to one dance in my life, it was in the 7th grade, and I hated every minute of it! The highlight of that whole night was when I was talking to Mickey Fletcher...who I thought was sooooo cute...and leaning on the edge of the punch bowl. At least I got to see what he looked like 'wet'.

I was hoping to get Joanna away from her friends long enough to explain that me and school dances don't necessarily don't mix. But girls are pretty damn persistent when they want something. From Joanna, to my mom, all the way to the girl who sells girl scout cookies in our neighborhood. Whatever it is, they'll find a way to corner you somehow. So she asked and cuddled and smiled and giggled at me until I asked her to go. WHY THE HELL DID I ASK HER TO GO??? NOW what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't suddenly vanish off the face of the planet and come back when the dance is over. Now I've got to pray for the angels to knock off one of my relatives so I can hide out. I'm not very good at this whole high school thing at all. I feel like I'm screwing myself up more and more every day. Some days I just wish I could be invisible. Just for a little while.

Talk about invisible....Jimmy LaPlane pulled a vanishing act of his own today. In the middle of the day like before. Since I've actually been talking to him, he only shows his face in school half of the time. Every now and then, he'll come in with a smile, or at least show up and stay through an entire day. But then there are those other days that are starting to worry me. He's quiet, he cries in private, he pulls away from everybody, he hardly talks to anybody at all. Then he turns around with a big fake smile and pretends that everything is ok. It's not normal. Even though Jimmy has never been really 'normal' to begin with, that's a bit far to the left, if you ask me. I just wanna say or do the right thing, you know? Just...make him feel like he matters every once in a while. I just don't know how.

I ran into Simon a few times today also, but I didn't have much to say to him. Considering what happened, I doubt he wants to be too cozy around me anyway. Besides, he's become another boy I can't have. Being around those boys maks me feel like shit. Like I'M the freak, you know? I mean...there can be a boy and a girl who totally hate each other...but there's always a CHANCE. Like...if they were in an airplane that's spiraling towards a mountain peak. Or if they were locked in a basement during an Earthquake. Whatever strange disastrous situation that can happen to two teenagers, there's always that once last ditch atempt to have some sex. Even if it was some drunken episode that they'd really hate themselves for later. At this point, I'd take it.

I certainly hope that this thing with that AJ boy from the mall works out. If for no other reason than to not feel.....so 'alone' anymore. Sometimes I just want to feel like a normal person. Just like everybody else. Instead, all I feel is shame and secrecy. Between Simon thinking I'm a queer, Jimmy's schizophrenic moods, and Joanna making me feel even more awkward by trying to make me feel normal...I think I'm further away from my true self than I ever have been. And it really sucks that I have to stay there.

Am I getting depressing or what? I should stop now. Probably just some stupid mood swing. I'll try harder to be happy tomorrow. Later.

-Billy

- You know, if you actually try to 'force' yourself to be happy...it feels extremely fake. Then you end up burning up extra energy that you didn't have in the first place, and you feel worse than when you started. Who knows? Maybe I'm just doing it wrong, huh?

Weird mood aside, I actually had a pretty decent day. Except for one little detail...that test I took a few days ago didn't even slide y with a C- yesterday. That's right...the teacher dropped the "F" bomb on me today. Huge red "F" on the front of my paper, and no way to even argue it up to a "D". What would be the use anyway? I'll just make sure to hide this paper some place nice, like the trash, so my parents don't get wind of it. My mind's just a little preoccupied right now, that's all. It's nothing serious. But the second my parents see that, they'll start the whole "you need to concentrate more" routine. Next they'll be shutting off my tv or telling me to send my friends home early so I can study. They'll take it way too far, and I'll feel like I'm in a PRISON! It's just one test, it doesn't mean anything. No need to go through any extensive punishments on 'watchdog' tactics on my study habits. I'll make up for it on the next one.

Jimmy called me over to his locker today, in a much better mood than he was the last few days. I was actually beginning to see shades of that fun loving boy who invited me over to his house not long ago. He actually apologized again for not talking to me. I'm always a bit confused about how to take what he says nowadays, but it seemed to come from his heart. Then he reached in his locker and gave me a bag with like five of his cds in it. I mean he GAVE it to me! And when I ask him why, he just says, "Just take it, ok? It's my way of saying that I'm sorry for being a jerk." I didn't know what to say. I mean...that was the most unselfish thing I had ever had someone do for me before. They were really rare imports of Smashing Pumpkins stuff, some live bootlegs. I hardly remember mentioning them at all when I was at his house, but he must have made a mental note to keep it in mind. So he just.....gave it to me, and smiled. Wow.

Just when I'm starting to get angry enough or worried enough to ask Jimmy what the hell is going on with him these days...he does something like this. And my faith in him being a good guy is renewed again. He is SO damn strange sometimes! But I can't help but be touched by his gift. I hope he didn't think he HAD to give me something. A simple explanation would have been fine.

The weirdest thing happened today in study hall. I was sitting next to the window, and some of the gym classes were outside playing soccer this afternoon. So...as I'm looking, I see Brandon out there with the rest of his class...and I just remember being glued to him. Not for a few moments, not for a few minutes, not even for an extended stare...but for the ENTIRE 45 minute period. I didn't study at all, I didn't do one lick of homework, I didn't read, I didn't even doodle in my notebook. I just sat there and watched the entire soccer game from beginning to finish. Well....actually.....not the 'game'. Just Brandon. You know that feeling you get when you see someone that's really cute, and you want him so bad that you can taste it? Well...this wasn't like that. I mean, it was SORTA like that, but not quite. This was more....more...ARRRRGHHHH...could CONFUSING be the word I'm looking for? Who am I kidding? I don't know how to explain this whole thing. But Brandon is....he's really cute, you know? But he's not just that....he's fun, and sweet, and when he talks to me, I feel good. In fact, I was almost jealous to see him talking to someone else while watching him out of that window. I love his smile. And his laugh. I always look to see his shoulders jiggle when he laughs. There were all of these little things that I liked to notice when I had the chance to stare long enough. And while I'll admit that I took a great deal of pleasure of watching his smooth long legs in a pair of gym shorts, leading up to a butt that defines temptation...it was those little unseen details that really held my interest for an entire class period.

I know, I know. Infatuation city. It comes and goes. But he's too pretty not to notice. And sometimes....I kinda like noticing him.

As the weekend gets closer and closer, my mind is sent spinning over thoughts of AJ. I didn't know exactly what I should be thinking, or HOW I should thinking, but my heart was beating a million miles a minute everytime he crossed my mind. It was like I could see his smile, and I'd get this rush that would wash over me from head to toe. I was literally anxious to see him again. If I was a puppy, I'd be wagging my tail and rolling over on my back by now. I try to keep the 'golden boy fantasies' to a minimum during school, because it leads to a lot of very embarrassing moments, if you know what I mean. But if I can just....I dunno...be 'cool' this weekend, maybe he'll ask me out or something. I mean...do boys do that? Ask each other out on dates? Well, I guess they would pretty much have to, wouldn't they? Wow...that'd be awesome. Unless of course...he's waiting for me to ask HIM out....in which case I'm gonna have to lose a lot of chicken feathers between now and then.

I guess that's it for now. I'll write more later. I've got some new cds to listen to. Adios.

-Billy

- You know what? Sometimes, Sam can be a real asshole! I can't BELIEVE what a dick he was being today! Some days, especially when he's in one of his 'moods', it's hard for me to even be in the same ROOM with him. Much less be his 'best' friend. As much as I really love Sam, sometimes I'll notice the way he'll let things get to him, and then take them out on other people. People who didn't have anything to do with it at all. And it's not fair, you know? Unless that particular person is the cause of your immediate problem, then why the hell should they have to deal with it?

First, I catch him picking on Jimmy again during gym class. What FOR??? What could Jimmy have possibly done o get under Sam's skin? Nothing! He's just doing it to be mean. Teasing him and making fun of the fact that he's a bit on the small side physically. So what? I asked him straight out to leave Jimmy alone, and Sam just didn't care. What kind of feeling does it give someone to humiliate another human being. It's not like Jimmy goes looking for trouble, and he's no more weird or offbeat than any of the OTHER blockheads around there. So why pick on him? I literally went over and had to put my hands on Sam's chest and push him back just to get him to understand hat I was serious. And he gets mad at ME for sticking up for Jimmy! Well screw him then! Whether he likes it or not, Jimmy is my friend. He's a sweet guy, and he doesn't deserve this shit. Not from Sam, not from anybody.

THEN....later on, I was talking to Brandon in the hallway. I had actually gotten up enough nerve to act somewhat normal around him. He really is extra 'pretty' when you see him up close. Every time he smiled, the look in his eyes, or his little half smiles and boyish grins...or his gentle and soft little gestures...they're so....shy and amazingly CUTE! It's like I notice something more beautiful about Brandon every day. But, just as we were starting to feel comfortable and friendly, Sam comes up and says he needs to talk to me. Now, Sam can talk to me anytime he wants to, in school or out of school. But I really wanted to spend some time with Brandon and I told him to just hold on for a sec. Well...of course, Sam is acting like 'How Dare I' blow him off! Which I WASN'T! I just wanted to finish what I was saying to a cute boy that I happen to have a bit of a crush on. What was the big deal? He just stands there looking all mad and shooting daggers at Brandon until he gets so uncomfortable that Brandon tells me he'll just talk to me later. What the fuck was THAT about??? Brandon looked back at me over hs shoulder with such an unexplainable look of frustration over it all. All I could do was try to silently let him know that I was sorry for how Sam was acting. And finally, now that he HIJACKED me for my fucking attention...I ask him what the hell was so important, and he's like, "Forget it!" FORGET IT??? Is he SERIOUS??? It ended up in an argument between us, and he stomped off to go be pissed somewhere else by himself. I don't know what's with him today, and I don't give a shit at this point. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then he doesn't have to. I don't have anything to say to him anyway when he's like that.

Luckily, I didn't have to deal with his attitude at lunch, and spent my period at Joanna's table. Which was much more welcoming than any reaction I would have gotten from Sam. Although, now when I see Joanna, all I see is another trip to the mall and a new chance to make an impression on AJ. He must have thought I was a real geek from the last time we met, but I know he was a bit nervous himself. So maybe it didn't look so bad. Anyway, now that I've got a little bit of a warning before having him just walk up and talk to me on the fly like last time...I might be able to pretend that I have a bit of social grace and intelligence this time around.

I wondered what AJ would be wearing this weekend. What he'd look like, and if he would dress up especially nice just for me. What if he wants to hang around with us this time? What if he wants me to hang around with HIS little group of friends instead? I wonder if people know he's gay. Can they tell like I could tell? I don't want Joanna, Lee, or anyone else around to think I'm gay. But...I don't want AJ to think I'm straight either. Not if I'm really going to make a go of this. I feel so conflicted about a lot of things concerning him, but I am too anxious to get off of the roller coaster now. I honestly can't wait to see what happens. And maybe...I'll find the love I've been looking for since I was old enough to know what love was. It makes my stomach quiver just thinking about it!

Thoughts of AJ were the only things making this day bearable. So I guess I'm sorta smiling despite Sam's outbursts. Just as well. I doubt he'd understand me being wth AJ anyway.

Gotta get some beauty sleep so I'll look 'hot' tomorrow afternoon! I'll write more later.

-Billy