The Secret Life of Billy Chase - 35. Chapter 35

- You know, it didn't seem like it at first, but I think that maybe seeing Jimmy at the hospital DID help to make me feel a little bit better than before. As I said before, it didn't really solve anything, but somewhere in the back of my mind it cleared up a bit of the mystery as to what happened to him. Not much, but enough to let me sleep at night again. I wonder if he regrets doing it. Or...maybe if he regrets not being successful with it. I wasn't sure. He didn't seem any happier than he was before, and I'm sure he's gonna really hate going back to school. There's no WAY that I or anybody else will be able to protect him from the backlash he's gonna get when they get a hold of him.

But there IS something I think about sometimes. That last few days, before he...'you know'...he was happy. I mean, he actually seemed HAPPY! That seems totally backwards to me. I would have thought that he'd be so depressed that it would hurt just to look at him. But no...it was exactly the opposite. He told me he was gay, he smiled in my face, he gave me a hug, offered to give me his stuff...it was like he didn't care about anything. It was like he was...free. I mean he even had the guts to hit --- in the FACE! I never would have had the courage to do it! He cursed out a teacher, ditched school, he didn't take shit from anybody. I wonder what it would feel like to be standing at that door. I wonder what it's like to feel like nothing can hurt you anymore. It must be an awesome sensation.

My parents are becoming a bit more normal than they have been in a while. Thank goodness. After Jimmy's 'accident', as I refer to it now, they've been watching me like a couple of hawks. The spontaneous hugs and compliments and weird stares were getting to be pretty creepy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my parents something fierce...but I don't want to SAY it all the time! What am I? An eight year old? Anyway...I guess they finally figure there's nothing to worry about. Which helps me out a lot, because I didn't want them constantly looking over my shoulder anyway. I'm old enough to take care of myself. I know what's going on.

I saw Sam face to face today at lunch. Well...I sorta saw him face to face. We sat at the same table, but that was about it. It looks like he went to the mall with Joanna and Lee and the rest on aturday afterall. I wasn't sure if he was expecting me to be there or not. Who knows? Anyway, by the time I walked into the cafeteria with my lunch tray, Sam had already seen me. I couldn't just turn and walk away. You know? So I went over and sat down. We didn't really speak to each other, even if I kinda wanted to. He barely looked at me. I can't deny that it hurt a little bit. I should have just come right out and said I was sorry at the table. Or at least after lunch. I didn't want him to think that I hated him. Or that I wasn't talking to him because I was still angry. I just...I wish this little 'spat' of ours was done with so I could have my friend back.

It seems Joanna likes having him around. He makes her laugh. I often wonder if maybe she did that for me. To make sure she wasn't coming between me and my best friend. I could never tell what was on Joanna's mind, no matter how hard I tried. A boy's mind is so much easier to figure out. Straight forward, simple, driven by motivations that are prety easy to understand. Girls? Their every emotion seems to be written backwards and upside down in some alien language that our finest scientists couldn't decode. In illegible handwriting, no less. It's gotten to the point where I no longer even try to figure her out. I just hold her hand when she reaches for mine, smile when she smiles, kiss back when she kisses me, and speak when I'm spoken to. Hehehe, how did my dad found a WIFE out of this crazy species, anyway?

I hear there's a bowling party for Missy this coming Friday. She made it a point to invite me and Joanna. Yes...we're sharing invitations now. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to go, but Joanna wants to. So I guess that means the answer is yes. I'll just make sure I've got something cool to wear. I've never been really good at bowling, but it'll be better than sitting at home, I suppose.

I've gotta run. I'm starving and I need a late night snack. Time to raid the fridge! Seeya!

-Billy

- Oh MAN!!! It's like almost 11:30 right now! But I'm too worked up to sleep! Guess what *I* was just doing??? I talked to BRANDON on the phone for like FOUR HOURS straight!!! Omigod! I don't think I've ever talked to ANYBODY for that long before! My ear is all sweaty just from holding the phone for that long. I didn't even notice the time passing by! It flashed passed us like it was only a few minutes! And you wanna know what else? When it was time to hang up, we STILL didn't want to go! I feel so cool just getting to TALK to him, you know? Brandon hardly taked to anybody before outside of being polite, or the occassionaly friendly chit chat. But tonight...this was completely different. He was open and funny and just...awesome! Damn! If he wasn't straight, I'd be so in love right now! Hehehe!

I didn't think we had that much to talk about, but we did. We even got into talking about aliens at one point. Like...a SERIOUS conversation about what we believe about life on other planets. You know...you really have a good friend when you can get deep into something like that. He's got some really cool ideas, and I was fascinated by the way he just kept an open mind about everything. He was like...'wise' or something! And articulate, and just....dreamy. Geez, how many times have I mentioned how cute Brandon is in this book. God forbid if he were to ever find out about half of the stuff I write about him! He'd never look at me the same way again. But it's the absolute truth though. Every time I talk to him, I feel that much closer to him. Almost like our spirits are intertwined together somehow, and know how to communicate on a level that he and I haven't even discovered yet. Just hearing his voice makes me feel close to him, and I can't understand why. But I like it.

Oh man...and he has a REALLY sexy laugh! I'm not talking about a 'chuckle' or a 'giggle' like I'm used to hearing from him when we're making small talk. I mean an actual full length laugh. Omigod, it's sooooo cute! You have no idea! I can listen to it all night. It actually makes me hard hearing it. It's not too loud or obnoxious, and it's not too shy and quiet. He doesn't snort or cough or drag it out for longer than it should be. It's JUST right! And it's so cute and sweet! I can picture his smile, and the gentle shake in his shoulders, and the gleam in his eyes. It actually makes me squirm a bit to envision it, even now. Wow...I can't believe we talked for that long. I can't believe I wanna do it AGAIN! Like, right NOW! I know it sounds really perverted, and I'm sorry Brandon, wherever you are right now...but I kinda touched myself a few times while listening to him talk. I don't mean I was sitting here 'climbing the greased pole' or anything! Just a few 'presses' here and there. I was so hard at certain points in our conversation that I had to push down on it just to get some temporary relief from the strain. But it was JUST a few pushes, that's all! I swear!

He's a special person, you know? And that goes beyond just being extremely 'pretty'...he's cool too. So cool. I've gotta be careful of him before I start to develop a crush that I can't deal with. It's cool to have him near and dear to my heart though. It really is.

The only other news today was that I saw Sam at the lunch table again today. But this time, it was a little better than yesterday. We still didn't talk much, but at least he looked me in the eye a few times. And we shared a few sentences every few minutes. It was still kinda awkward, but at least things were getting better. Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Maye this is one of those minor problems that Sam and I can sit back and watch as it begins to smooth over all by itself. It wouldn't be the first time that it's ever happened. We could always get through whatever problems we had without much effort. Probably because there wasn't another person on this Earth that knew us like we knew each other. That alone kept us bonded, and probably always will. I'm glad. Because I'd miss him if he weren't around.

Ok, I'm tired now. Gotta get some sleep if at all possible. Brandon gives me a bad case of the 'tingles' when he talks to me, and tonight I got a healthy dose of quality time from him. So let's hope they die down enough for my body to get some rest before having to see him in person again.

-Billy

- I giggled like som kind of DORK all day today when I saw Brandon again! Shit! Sometimes I wish I could really physically kick myself hard enough to quit being a freak! I really hope he doesn't write me off as some kind of nerd after this morning. He didn't seem to mind, but Brandon was always polite. If he thought I was being stupid, he probably wouldn't tell me. He'd just smile right along with me and probably turn around and roll his eyes at me. Sighhh...I don't know what HAPPENED!!! Everything was so damn COOL last night on the phone! It felt like we could talk forever! But I saw him today in person...and suddenly I can't even put two words together. I screwed up big time. Maybe I can fake sick to make him think it was just an off day or something. I'd better have more to say to him tomorrow or I'm gonna tear down all the progress I've made with him up to this point! And I REALLY don't wanna do that! Things were just starting to get fun between us.

Simon tried talking to me earlier today. He was all smiles and high fives...but I really just don't look at him the same way anymore, you know? After what happened...I feel so constricted around him. I can't really understand why, but my defenses go up and he gets outcasted as 'the guy who won't understand' if I ever came out and told him that I was gay. How would he treat me if he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was trying (desperately) to have sex with him back then? How is he gonna treat Jimmy when HE comes back to school? Actually...I guess I should be totally honest here. Simon is cute, and he's blond, and he's got SUCH a hot little ass on him! But...without the promise of sex, or even a HINT that long hours of hot steamy sex would be possible between us...is there a reason to even want to talk to him anymore? To have him over to my house, or spend time with him? It may sound harsh, but it's how I feel. Geez, reading that back, that sounds really mean. Maybe I shouldn't have written that down. I just...I haven't thought about him much since the idea of having his dick in my mouth became an impossibility. That, combined with his instant negative reaction to me wrestling and rolling around with him...he's not someone that I'd go out of my way to be around anymore. He won't or can't love me for me. And he can't satisfy me with that delicious body of his, which he's probably gonna waste on some GIRL somewhere further down the line. So why bother. This is one time when I wish I had kept things a mystery.

Oh, I saw something strange today. There's this boy in my gym class, Bobby Jinette, who has a gym locker pretty close to mine when we're changing for class. He's kinda popular and stuff with his key group of friends, and he's got dark hair and blue eyes. He's one of those boys that you kinda notice and don't pay attention to at the same time. Anyway, I was changing into my gym shorts...and I think I saw him staring at me. It was just a quick flash, because I happened to look up, and he looked away. But I caught him at LEAST three times looking at my 'package'. Which..I don't know if it was a 'check out the competition' kinda thing, or if he wanted some. Hehehe! Bobby's always been cool and cute, but he's never been one of the boys that I went goofy over. I don't know why, he just didn't strike me as my 'type'. Still, it made me wonder if maybe he was like me. If, perhaps, he had a diary of his OWN at home right now, and he's writting in it right now. Describing me and how good I look in my boxers, guessing how big my penis is and dreaming of what it would be like to kiss it. Hehehe! It's kinda cool when you think about it all. There's like this 'secret society' of gay teenagers in the school, whether I'm able to spot them or not. And they're all waling past one another everyday without even knowing it until you catch them eyeing your johnson in the locker room. How entertaining a concept is THAT?

Anyway, that's all today. Sweet Dreams Bobby Jinette! Hope you're thinking of me! Hehehe!

-Billy