The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 23. Harsh Realities

---Teddy---

It’s funny, I spent so much time worrying about how Ryder was going to do on the road that I guess I never prepared myself for the fact that he was leaving! I guess I just figured since it’s so hard to get him to hangout this wouldn’t feel any different, but damn was I wrong. It’s not like I know he’s safe at his house or in the studio. He’s sleeping in a van! In a van!

“Alright but can you please eat something other than fast-food!” I pleaded to my phone as the face-time connection darted in and out.

“Teddy,” Ryder sighed, trying his hardest to keep the road bumps from knocking the phone out of his hand. “We’ve been over this, we stop at whatever food place is cheapest. That’s just how things need to be right now.”

I let out a long groan, and tried to make the eye contact feel as authentic as possible. “Ryder Sullivan, you look green. Eat something healthy, and drink more water! Please! For me?”

“The nagging already begins.” My dad remarked, stopping behind me to get a good look at Ryder. “Hey buddy, how’s everything,”

“Dad!” I grunted, turning back and shooting him daggers.

“Alright, alright.” he exhaled, backing away slowly. “Sheesh it’s like a cage match to even say hi to the kid.”

Ryder softly giggled watching the altercation, before letting out a sigh and connecting eyes with me. “He can say hi, you know I like your dad.”

“He’d have to pry this phone out of my unconscious hands.” I teased. “There’s no way I’m giving up the little time we get to speak.”

“I miss you too.” he blushed, as my words hit him. “Just like six maybe seven more days, okay? We can do this.”

“Oh my god.” One of the guys from his band commented. “It’s only been six days. You’re so whipped dude.”

“Say it to my face.” Ryder taunted, turning and swatting at the voice. I know they’ve struggled to get along until now, but this tour has really brought them together. It’s like Ryder finally has a whole new set of friends, people he can just be himself around. “Sorry Teddy, Brandon’s just being a dick again.”

“You don’t need to apologize for me.” Brandon sighed. “I’m Teddy’s favorite out of all the guys anyway.”

“You’re the only one he knows.” Ryder laughed, turning his attention back to me. “You can get to know the guys better when I get back.”

“Can’t wait.” I nodded, trying my hardest to fake enthusiasm.

“Uh Oh.” Ryder giggled. “What’s that face mean?”

“Nothing.” I quickly shot down with a smile. “I’m glad you guys are getting along.”

I could see Ryder thinking something over but before he could let it out one of the guys started screaming. “Sorry Teddy, we just pulled into Boston.” Ryder apologized. “I, uh, I better get going. We’re going to pull in and go see the city.”

“Alright, call me before you go to bed tonight?” I asked, hoping to fit in one more face-time today.

“Wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t.” He quickly nodded. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” I smiled, trying my hardest not to show disappointment. “Be safe!”

“It’s okay kiddo.” My dad comforted from across the room. “He’ll be home before you know it.”

“I know.” I exhaled. “I just didn’t expect a week and a half to feel so long.”

“You’ll get used to it,” he reassured. “I mean, it’ll never get easier, but you’ll get used to it.”

“Gee thanks.” I sighed, heading towards the front door as a heavy knocking began.

“What’d I say?” He asked, unsure how he’d offended me. I know he’s trying his hardest to make me feel better, but he hasn’t exactly helped! Sometimes I swear my mom is so much better with this type of stuff.

“Hey.” Mike let out as I pulled open the front door. “Wait!” he exclaimed, blocking the door as I went to shut it again. “Can’t we talk for like five second? Please! You keep ignoring all my calls and texts.” I rolled my eyes, and tried to push the door shut but he was too strong for me/ “How can I apologize if you won’t even hear me out.”

“Because there’s nothing you can say to fix it.” I reprimanded, finally letting the door open. “Oh wait, yeah there is. Tell the baseball team you were wrong about Ryder Sullivan!”

“You know that’s not gonna happen.” He moaned as the battle to shut the door began again. “Jesus Christ Teddy, like you’ve never done anything wrong before!”

“I’m not saying I haven’t. I just,”

“Well you’re sure as hell acting like it!” he yelped, finally getting a handle over the door situation. “What about Abe?” I let go of the door, and turned my back to him, quickly heading to the basement door. “That’s what I thought.” He happily nodded following me.

“That was two years ago.” I finally let out, sitting on the couch. “Why can’t you just let it go? Why can’t you just admit you’re wrong for once?”

“Because I’ve seen this story before.” He shook his head, and took a seat across from me. “So sorry, but it wouldn’t amaze me if you’re using Ryder the way you used Abe.”

“Would you stop bringing him up?” I grunted, starting to get frustrated with his words. “Like I said, that was two years ago! I-I never should’ve treated him the way I did.”

“I’ll make sure to tell him that the second he gets out of whatever metal facility he’s been staying in.” I let out a deep breath as his words sank in. “I guess I don’t have to say anymore.”

“You’re an idiot if you think this is anything like that,” I shutdown, before Mike could get smug. “Did I take Abe home to meet my parents? Did I take Abe to parties? Or introduce him to anyone as my boyfriend?”

“No, but I know you slept with him.” Mike objected, sitting back and getting comfortable. “And I think you forgot who helped you keep that whole situation a secret.”

“How could I?” I grumbled as my eyes fell to the floor. “Do you, I, Did we really push him that far? I, was he that fragile?”
“Fuck if I know, fuck if I care.” Mike shrugged. “but you played him like a fiddle. And for what? To cheat on him in math and science?”

“It was more than that.” I nervously tried to defend. “I, you know I had to keep my grades up, it was the only way to get elected freshman rep.”

“So let’s go back over this,” Mike began, enjoying the moment. “You ‘dated’ Abe so you could cheat on him in class. Then when you found Jake you broke up with Abe, because, well, a real relationship was more fun, wasn’t it?” I fell quiet as he told the story he knows just as well as me. “But when Abe wouldn’t let it go. When he couldn’t because you strung him along for half a year, and broke up with him for no reason. You had me and Blake bully him until he snapped and had a mental breakdown.”

“Yeah.” I forced out, nervously biting down on my lip.

“And I did that for you without thinking twice!” He shouted, slamming his fist down on the table between us. “Me and Blake pushed a kid until he got admitted to a crazy house for you! But it’s just so crazy to you that I could think you’re using Ryder Sullivan to work some type of angle on everyone.”

“I’m not that person anymore.” I shook my head.

“Really? Because junior year was one hell of a storm for anyone who got in your way.” Mike remarked, keeping his eyes on me.

“And I was wrong for that too.” I shook off, trying my hardest to keep it together. “I, do you really think I would start a war between the baseball and lacrosse teams if I didn’t love Ryder? You think I’d take things this far? You think I’d ignore you because I was using someone?”

“I don’t know what,”

“You know what?” I interrupted, finally looking back up at him. “You love to make me feel like crap for being manipulative, but you’re even more manipulative than me! Look at you bringing up mistakes I made when I was fourteen!” I yelped, finally standing up to him. “Believe whatever you want, but I love Ryder, and nothing is getting between us.”

Mike moved his jaw from side to side as my words hit him. “So you’re really throwing it all away for nothing?”

“It’s not for nothing, it’s for Ryder!” I corrected. “For someone I love. Maybe if you stopped being so immature you could understand what that feels like.” I shook my head and let out a deep sigh. “I can’t believe you came over just to make me feel like shit, and insult my boyfriend.”

“No, I came to cheer you up,” he began in a quiet voice.

“Well mission accomplished!” I shouted, cutting off whatever he was about to say next.

“Look, Blake told me you’ve been down lately since Ryder left for wherever he is. You go to practice or the gym then home without talking to anyone.” Mike shrugged, not sure what else to say. “I mean, you’ve never been someone who depends on others.”

“Because I’ve never liked anyone the way I like Ryder.” I exhaled, as his eyes drifted away.

“Yeah.” he forced out. “But that doesn’t mean you can just stop talking to everyone until he comes back, that’s not good for you.”

“Yeah? And all of the sudden you know what’s good for me?” I asked, sitting back and finally starting to calm down.

“Whether you like it or not, we’ve been best friends since we could walk. I’ve always known what’s good for you.” He uncomfortably explained, hating how nostalgic he had to get. “Just, come to the gym with me, it’ll be good for you.”

“With you?” I asked, shooting him a cautious look.

“You say that like we haven’t been going to the gym together since seventh grade.” He lightly laughed, unsure what else to say. “Come on, you know the warehouse is empty this time on Saturdays. We’ll get in an hour’s workout and apologize to each other or whatever gay shit you want to do.”

“You’re such an ass.” I groaned standing up. “I’ll meet you there in like fifteen. Just give me time to get changed and head over.”

“Sounds good.” he nodded, heading towards the garage door and pulling it open. “Teddy, I know you don’t care, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry Ryder almost got hurt at my party.”

“That does mean something.” I nodded, halfway up the stairs.

I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but it’s sort of nice to have him around again, even if he was being an asshole. I mean, that’s just Mike I guess. The only way he knows how to do anything is to be a dick, and okay, it’s not perfect, but I grew up with him, I can’t just leave him, right?

The longer the workout went the more I seemed to relax. It really was good to work out with him again. He just has this way of pushing me further and further. I’ve always been in good shape, but I’m definitely not jacked by any means, I guess more toned than anything. However Mike doesn’t care, he’ll still make me lift half my size, and that’s something I need. I need someone to keep pushing me, to make me stronger.

“Come on Teddy!” Mike shouted, throwing on another fifteen pounds to each side. “Don’t think about the weight, keep focused on the form.” He encouraged. “Don’t worry about them.” He remarked, seeing the headphones fall out of my ear as I slowly let the bar fall to my chest. It took everything in me to push that bar up before Mike pushed it back down. “One more! One more!” he encouraged, keeping his hands under the bar without actually touching it. “There it is!” he yelped, helping me as I got the weights halfway to the rack. “That’s a new best for you.”

“Yeah.” I nodded, trying my hardest to catch my breath.

“Oh come one.” He laughed, giving me a hard pat on the back. “By spring you’ll be the one lighting people up for once.”

I nodded and slowly switched places with him, finally able to stand up straight again. He laid down on the bench, but the second I went to put my headphones back in my ears I couldn’t help but overhear the music blaring from his. The drums and guitar seemed so familiar, like I’ve heard them somewhere before. “Well?” he remarked, noticing my stare. I bit my lip and tried my hardest to listen to the muffled music. The second the vocals began I let the bar I had picked up to hand him slam right back down on the rack. “What the hell man?” he nervously laughed. “I know I pushed you hard, but there’s no way your arms,”

“Hey Mike, what song is that?” I asked, walking around as he sat up.

“I don’t know.” he quickly shook his head. “Just whatever song Spotify decided to play, you know how it works.”

“I know you only work out to your own playlist.” I clicked my tongue, and stared him down. “So, what song is that?”

“I don’t know.” he dismissively laughed, trying to get me to leave him alone. “Are you going to spot me or not?”

“I will, but show me your phone first.” I instructed, beginning to bite down on my lip.

“Man if this is the nagging Ryder has to put up with, then maybe I can relate with him.” Mike teased, trying his hardest to avoid the conversation.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into coming to the gym.” I shook my head, and started to walk towards the exit. “Like anything’s changed with you.”

“Alright!” Mike yelped, rushing up to me. “It’s Ryder’s band or whatever. There, can we finish working out now?”

“So you’ll listen to his music, but can’t admit that you were wrong about him?” I angrily asked. “I mean, you had to listen to that song a good three or four times before you added it to your playlist! Then you come to my house, and still act like Ryder’s still a nobody?”

“It’s really not that big a deal.” Mike shrugged. “I heard it on the radio, and didn’t know who sang it until I looked them up on Spotify. Why are you freaking out?”

“Did you even listen to the lyrics?” I spit, staring him down.

“It’s just him whining about shit, he’s not even the best part of the song.” Mike rolled his eyes. “The guitar is, whoever wrote that is,”

“He wrote that!” I interrupted, not wanting to hear anymore. “He wrote literally every last part of that song! He did! He writes it and then has everyone else record what he wrote! And that whining,” I angrily shook my head thinking it over. “Did you ever stop and consider why he feels that alone?”

“Relax, it’s just a song.” Mike rolled his eyes once more, but now I see him just like I did at his party, ignorant and small.

“To you maybe, but to him it’s not just a song! They’ll never be just songs!” I shouted. “They’re what have kept him alive! And why? Because assholes like you and me have made his life hell for the past eighteen years!” I angrily let out, trying my hardest to drill it into his head. “Then after all of that, you’re going to listen to his music and act like it’s no big deal!”

“Alright, sorry.” Mike backed down, not knowing what to say next.

“That’s the thing though,” I exhaled, leaning against the door. “You’re not. You could care less, and when Ryder comes home you’ll treat him the same way you always have. You don’t care that I love him. You don’t care how much he means to me. You don’t even care that he’s a great musician. You only care about how it affects you.”

“Come on man!” Mike shouted, following me out into the parking lot.

“Do us both a favor and leave me alone for a while.” I muttered, pulling open my car door.

Mike grabbed the door before I could pull it shut and stared at me. “Teddy,”

I shook my head as I pulled up the dirt road of the now familiar cemetery then onto the gravel of Ryder’s driveway. I just have to be here for a little bit right now, even if Ryder’s not. “Teddy.” Mrs. Sullivan called out as I pushed open the door. “I thought you were coming over tonight.”

“Remember we agreed afternoon so you wouldn’t have to cook for me?” I smiled, slowly walking up to the porch.

“No.” She gently shook her head. “I remember you saying that, but I fought you on it. Clever boy.” She laughed, as I took a seat next to her on the porch.

“I spoke to Ryder this morning, they just pulled into Boston a few hours ago.” I explained, smiling at her.

“Oh good.” she nodded. “He called me last night, but he’s so tired at the end of those days that he might as well be sleep talking!” she joked, slowly rocking back and forth. “It’s so quiet without him around.”

“I know.” I nodded. “I really miss him.”

“Hmm,” she let out thinking something over in her head. “So you love him too?”

I let out a soft laugh and turned towards her. “Yeah.” I nodded. “Why? Was he second guessing it again? He always does that to himself, it drives me,”

“No.” she interrupted, holding her chair still. “I just, I’m trying to understand this whole thing.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked, not sure what she was trying to say.

“The whole relationship. I, back when I was a young girl, it wasn’t allowed. Hell, when I was a woman it wasn’t allowed!” She laughed. “Then I had Cooper, and he was all about free love and self-expression. I wasn’t sure if he was a Satan worshiper or a hippie!” She laughed, as she explained her past. “He would be so proud of Ryder. But I-I’m not like him. I don’t understand any of it.”

“well I,” I began, not sure how to put it. “You were married right?”

“Thirty-five years.” She happily nodded. “He was the love of my life. He still is.”

“That’s how I feel about your grandson.” I confessed looking over at her. “I know that might be hard to imagine because we’re two guys, but I swear to you it is. I look at him and I,” I shook my head, not having the words for it. “I can’t even describe it to you. It’s the greatest feeling in my life. Like my hearts on fire or something.”

A small smile began on her face as she began to rock again. “He said the same thing about you.” I felt a feverish blush coat my face as I fought off a wide smile. “Promise me you’ll never leave him.” She let out and the smile instantly faded from my face. “I know that’s a lot to ask, but even if you break up, stay with him.” I nodded my head, but forced eye contact worried about her reasoning. “I’m worried what he’ll become if he’s ever left alone. He’s very sensitive, and emotional. I-it scares me to even think about.”

“I’ll never leave him.” I promised, gently smiling towards her. “Now for the last time,” I quickly began, changing the subject. “are you positive you don’t want to come to my house for dinner one day this week?” I asked, restarting an argument her and I had had a few days ago. This is my third time visiting her in the past five days, and even though she’s kind of crazy, she’s pretty fun to talk to. She’ll randomly go on rants about ghosts or spirits, or even the meaning of life, but I pray that Ryder becomes even half the person she is.

“I don’t know what you and my grandson think of me,” she lectured, raising her hand. “But I don’t need a babysitter, I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not saying you do,” I quickly clarified. “I just want to make sure you’re not lonely.”

“You’re a sweet boy Teddy,” she let out, lightly grasping my hand. “but a terrible liar!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her words. I wish I was as innocent as she thinks I am. I wish I could be who she thinks I am. “Mrs. Sullivan,” I began, as our eyes met again. “Can you tell me more about Ryder’s parents?”

She slowly nodded her head, and looked out to a patch of graves across the way. “You talk about love; those two had it more than anyone I’ve ever met. Cooper and Brianna.” She exhaled, calling them by name. “When he brought her home I knew that was it. I knew she had his heart. But there’s no one else I’d rather see him with. She went to every show he played, every garage practice or dive bar, she was right by his side.” She smiled at the memory, but as quickly as it began it faded. “He was a sick man, and she loved him when no one else would. She told him they’d figure it out, that they’d fix things. Then suddenly they’re married, and nine months later Ryder comes along, and everything was okay.” She grew quiet as the wind picked up around us. “Cooper was better, like everything he’d been running from was gone, and his son and wife were his only concern. He even got a job at a local factory!” Once more a smile came and went on her face. “For four years everything was okay, he even made his peace when his father died. Then we got the diagnosis, and our perfect world fell apart.” She hesitated, and took a deep breath. “Bri hadn’t been doing too well, she kept fainting randomly, or collapsing out of nowhere. Turns out it was cancer, she didn’t last long after that.”

“You, you can stop.” I exhaled, seeing the toll the story was taking on her. “I shouldn’t be nosy, if Ryder wants me to know everything,”

“No.” she interrupted. “You need to know everything, it’s the only way you can understand who he is, and who he’ll be.” She warned, building her strength back up. “After Brianna passed Cooper went right back to his old ways. He tried his hardest not to give in, but the pain was too much. Alcohol, meth, heroin, anything to numb what he was feeling.” This time her face stayed serious as pain began to soak her words. “I thought it couldn’t get worse, I thought there was no way he could fall further.” Her stare grew empty as she prepared for the next part of the story. “Then he got caught driving high with Ryder in the car. It took them moving in here for us to keep custody of him, but by then the damage had already been done. Cooper spent the next week terrorized by who he was becoming. He let it consume him, until finally he snapped. He was terrified of hurting Ryder. Horrified that one day they would go out and never come back, so he hung himself before that could happen.” She let out a painful breath, but kept her emotions in check.

“Ryder doesn’t know that, does he?” I asked, reading the look on her face.

“No, he can never know any of it.” She denied. “He’d blame himself, and I-I can’t watch him go down that road.”

“Was there a note?” I forced out, not even able to look at her.

“Yes.” she softly admitted. “But it wasn’t a suicide note, it was a letter to Ryder.”

I went to bite my tongue, but knew I needed to know the answers to the questions jumping around in my head. “You’re never going to give it to him, are you?”

“Never.” she confirmed in a sigh.

“He thinks his father hates him, he told me that,”

“What?” she interrupted, I saw a look of horror spread across her face as she turned to me

“He thinks his father killed himself because there was nothing left for him. He thinks that his dad barely cared about him. That’s why he’s so sensitive about it all.” I explained, as the dots began to connect in my head. “But this whole time it’s been the complete opposite. Look, I know it’s not my place, but he needs to know. He needs to see that letter.”

“It’ll destroy him.” She shook her head “It’ll…”

“He’s not alone anymore.” I softly cut off. “He’s got people to lean on now. Thinking his father was selfish is destroying him. Sure, it’s going to suck when he reads that letter, but he needs to see it.” I reached over and held her hand. “No matter what you decide, I’ll respect it. But if you do give Ryder that note I’ll be here every step of the way. Maybe we can finally give him the closure he needs.”

The wind seemed to violently whip around us as I finished my sentence, almost as though it was backing my words, pushing for Mrs. Sullivan to make a decision. “I wish it was that simple,” she finally spoke. “I really do. But Ryder will never be someone who can just look at a letter like that and take it in stride. He’ll torture himself for weeks, maybe even months over it.”

I nodded my head and let out a sigh. “At least think it over for a little bit.” I pushed, as I stood up. “I’ll see you at my house for dinner tomorrow night.”

“You must think you’re so smooth.” She teased, pulling me in for a light hug. “I’ll see you here Friday night for dinner, and I won’t hear anything else about it, got it?”

“Sure.” I smiled. “just remember to call me if you need anything.” She reached over and lightly swatted me for treating her like a helpless elder, but I couldn’t help it. Ryder left me to take care of his grandma. She’s been the only person he can ever lean on, and for that I owe her the world. I’ll take care of your grandson the best I can, I swear I will.