Time Will Tell - 12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

T

After my mother told me about what happened with my father. I kind of get it, you know. My father wasn’t the nicest dad by any means of the imagination. Even back then. When my mother wanted to take us, he wouldn’t allow it. I’m glad that my brother got taken out of the situation. I wouldn’t know how to handle it if it were any other way.

Now, I’m not saying that I totally forgive her. That will take some time. And maybe some therapy, like my brother suggested. But in due time I can see myself liking my mother. Possibly even loving her.

My mother also told me that I would be starting school soon. How soon, possibly next week. At least I’ll have my brother and his boyfriend with me. Almost like last time, two people whom you care about. Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s like I don’t want to set myself up to fail. You know. I want this time to go differently, I want friends, the kind of friends that you can hang out with at any time, doing whatever. That’s probably wishful thinking on my part though, I know how screwed up my brain is, and I know that I wont be able to have any of those kinds of friends until I can recover from my fathers abuse and stop being trapped inside my head.

Who am I kidding? I won’t be able to escape what my dad did. In a weird and bizarre way I understand why he did it. I understand how he beat me because he couldn’t get what he wanted. And I always screwed up somehow, in some way. I’m not perfect. I am a no body after all. ‘That’s right keeping thinking that, you fuck. I made you, and I created what you are today. You will not be able to escape me. I will live forever inside your head!’ Shaking my head, I look around myself. I’m cowering in my bed, in the corner. Trying my hardest not burst out into tears. Even when I’m two states away, he’s still here. Inside my head, abusing me.

I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. A small whimper escaped my throat as I tried to control my emotions. I’m truly pathetic. A fucked up teen with daddy and mommy issues. Who would want to take on that as a partner? I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life…. A knocking came from my door, I go to clear my throat but I couldn’t say anything nothing but air escaped between my lips.

I go to get up from my bed. But it slightly opens, revealing my brother with the phone to his ear. I quickly wipe my eyes, in attempt to look normal.

“Hey Devon, Tammy’s on the phone for you.” He says cheerfully. Why does he have to be cheerful? “Devon?” He asks, in a concerned voice.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I try my hardest not to burst into tears again. But the more effort I put into it, the more overwhelmed it became.

“Hey Tammy. Can he call you back; he doesn’t feel very well…” He pauses while he listens to whatever she’s saying. “Yea, no problem. Love you too… Have a goodnight as well… Yea, okay. Bye!” He hangs up the phone. Pushes it into his back pocket. And waits there for a moment.

“Do you maybe want to talk about it?” He asks, still standing just inside my room.

I go to shake my head no, “I don’t really want to talk about it, but I know eventually I’m going to have to. It’s not like I want these kinds of feelings. I don’t want to be fucked up in the head Josh. Our father beat me into submission, he literally abused me in both senses of the word. He may not be here right now, but inside this head of mine, he’s taunting me, laughing at me.” I sob into my hands. Rocking myself back and forth.

“Do you want me to get mom?” He asks

“NO…NO! Don’t, I’ll… I’ll be okay.” He nods his head in understanding. Slowly he makes his way over to my bed, and sits beside me. Josh puts his arm around me and I lean into him. The contact feels warm, loving. A brotherly embrace. Filled concern and emotion. I know I’m a wreck right now, but I hope that it won’t be this bad every time.

“One day you’ll look back on this and it won’t be as bad or you won’t feel anything. There will come a time when things will not seem so bad or scary. I know this isn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, and maybe I’m not saying this correctly. But I hope that you understand.” He hugs me tight.

“Thanks bro. I’m glad I’m here now.” I attempt a weak smile

“You’re welcome. Get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a fun day you’ll see.” With that he gets off my bed and opens the door. He looks back at me with a smile.

Falling back on my bed, I look at my ceiling. I wonder what will happen now that I’m surrounded by people that actually care for me and about me.

I roll over and close my eyes.

***********

U

A few days have passed since the talk with my mother. I don’t really know how to feel towards it. I understand what happened. But, after all that time she could have came back. She could have saved me from the years of abuse. I’m still angry towards her. I’m still jealous of their life!

So here I am, sitting on the back patio under this lush awning. Staring out into the river that lay just beneath our land. My mother and brother have gone somewhere to buy something for tonight’s dinner. They asked me to come along, but I didn’t feel the need to tag along. I wanted to be left alone, to my thoughts. So again, here we are. Summarizing everything that has happened. Not much thankfully.

This feeling that I have… I don’t really know what this feeling is, I don’t even know if it’s good or bad. But, at this moment. I’m content. I can see myself eventually being happy, possibly.

I heard a buzzing noise coming from the end table. Picking it up and looking at the screen I see it’s Tammy. I totally forgot to call her back.

“Hey hun… Sorry I haven’t called you back I have been emotional. More emotional than I have been in a while.”

“That’s alright. I can totally understand. How is it down there? Is it good?” She asks in a bubbly voice.

“Someone chipper. Did someone get lucky?” I laugh at that

“That’s not funny. And a lady never tells. But lets just say I have been seeing someone.” You can hear the happiness in her voice. I envy her.

“Thank goodness!” I hoorayed out loud

“Aren’t you cheery. I’m glad I made someone happy. Now tell me, what has been happening down there? Don’t skip any boring details.” I paused, do I really want to tell her everything?

Sighing, I started to tell her everything. She’s my best friend after all, she knows more than she says and hears more than anyone I know. Over the course of an hour, we spoke about me mostly. With a little of her mixed in. If felt nice to actually talk with her and not keeping looking around to see if my father were anywhere near.

“It sounds like you and your family are getting along just nicely Devon. I wish for you to get what you want. And not have to endure anymore beatings. The police up here still haven’t found your father. I know that isn’t saying much, but I do hope they find him a ditch!” Tammy spoke that last past in vein. I know how she feels truly…

“Listen hun, I hate to ruin this moment. But I have to go. The boyfriend is beeping in. I love you with all my heart. Please be safe!”

“I love you too Tammy. It was nice chatting with you. Have a good night.”

“Hey there you are. I was wondering where you went. You weren’t in your room or the house.” My brother spoke from behind me, almost causing me to have a heart attack. But the sudden scare. Wincing in pain.

“Sorry, I wanted some fresh air. And the patio seemed like a nice place… It is alright that I’m out here?” I ask timidly

“Oh…” He pauses, “Yea… Yes, it’s totally fine that you’re out here Devon. I didn’t mean for it come out like that. This is your house now as well.” He looks me in the eyes, as he spoke. Making sure that I understood.

“You have to know, that this is all new to me. I… When I was living in Colorado, with father. I couldn’t… He wouldn’t… allow me to go outside. He wouldn’t let me do anything other than clean, cook. And if I couldn’t those he would…” I didn’t finish. It’s not easy bringing up something that could trigger.

“You don’t have to continue Devon, I understand.” He looks down at the ground.

“No you don’t Jeff. You will never understand because you didn’t live it. You weren’t there. And thank goodness for that. But the sad truth is, someone had to be there. Someone had to endure his wraith.”I paused, my heart pounded in my chest, my body shook with adrenaline. ‘Think positive, think about street names. Brooklynn St, Cedar Dr, Court St…’ “I love that I am here now Jeff. But it doesn’t change what happened to me.”