A Soldier's Guide to Single Parenting - 9. Rock Bottom

My life was disintegrating around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had no answers. My long-suffering children had finally had enough. How could I blame them? I left them without food, electricity, or money, while I squandered my wages on booze.

Todd was a better father to my children than I was. He was there when it mattered. Times when I had failed them. He took them in while I was busy getting laid. What must he think of me? What would Kate have thought of me? What would she do if she could see me now? It would break her heart for sure to see me so defeated. So decisively beaten.

When I closed my eyes, he was there again. The Vietnamese boy begging for my help and all I could do was watch his execution. I was too scared to sleep. He had laid claim to my sub-conscience. Taking over my brain and slowly killing me.

I was experiencing severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I looked gaunt and weary and my shaking made it almost impossible to light a cigarette. My house was a mess. There was nothing left I hadn’t destroyed. Venting my anger on anything that could be picked up and thrown. Now I wanted to die too rather than slip any further into the abyss.

I sat in a semi-conscious state for ages, listening to someone knocking on the door without realizing what the noise was. I wasn’t expecting anyone and if I had known who was outside I wouldn’t have bothered getting up.

“Darcy. What do you want?” It was, I suppose, no big surprise. I wondered how long it would be before he came looking for his son. “Simon isn’t here!” He put his hand on the door to stop me from closing it in his face.

“Wait, please. I’m not here to quarrel with you. I’ve come to help.”

“I don’t need your help. I’m busy.”

“Can I come in?”

“Why?” I stared at him bleary-eyed and watched him pull a full bottle of bourbon from a bag.

“I bought you this. It’s a gift. I felt I should apologize for my behavior the other day, and your son told me once you enjoy the occasional drop of bourbon.”

“Yes, occasionally.” He must have seen my eyes light up. The solution to all my ills was in his hand staring me in the face. I was ready to kill for it. “You can come in. No need to remove your shoes.”

He followed me into the living room smiling at my sarcasm. It was the first time I had seen him amused and for a second he looked almost human.

Then he saw the state of the house.

“What happened? Were you robbed?”

I laughed at his assumption but he looked shocked when he saw the state of the kitchen. The floor was covered in broken glass and splintered wood from the cupboard door I had put my foot through earlier. I picked up one of the chairs and stood it upright for him, then cleared the clutter on the table with a single sweep of my arm.

“I had a little accident.” I grinned and eyed the bottle. “Do you wanna pour or shall I?”

“What? Oh, yes, of course.” I nodded and watched him open the bottle. He was nervous and he had good reason to be. I no longer cared what he or anyone else thought.

“My son told me you think I’m crazy,” I said. “What makes you say that?” He seemed surprised as I threw the entire contents of the first glass down my throat in one easy movement. “Aren’t you gonna join me, preacher man? Oh, wait a minute. I guess you're not allowed to drink.”

“We can drink in moderation. We just don’t get drunk.”

“Me neither.” I was laughing as I refilled my glass. “It’s not good for you.”

“No, it isn’t. It will eventually kill you.”

“Not everyone wants to live forever.” He shrugged off my insult but I could tell it riled him. Anything aimed at his religion was certain to get a reaction.

“That’s your choice. God’s kingdom is open to everyone.”

“Except if you happen to be gay, you mean.”

He stared at me as if I worthless and maybe I was but reunited with alcohol, I was beginning to feel in control.

“There are rules which we have to follow in order to inherit the earth. It’s easy and the rewards are plenty.”

“Tell that to your son, Darcy. Because he’s having a little difficulty understanding. He seems to think you're gonna send him away to some kind of camp.”

“Is that what he told you?” I nodded. “It’s not a camp. It’s more of a school. A place where our youth can learn how to respect God and follow his rules. So they are able to enjoy their gift of a paradise.”

“Indoctrination. That’s what they call it in the army.”

“Wouldn’t you like to live in a perfect world, where there’s no pain or suffering, no hunger or disease?”

“Are you gonna be there?”

“Yes.”

“No thanks, Darcy. I’ll pass on that one if you don’t mind. I’d rather stay here with my son. If he isn’t good enough to be accepted, then neither am I.”

“It’s your decision, everyone has a choice.”

“Except for Simon and David. They don’t have a choice, do they?”

“They do have a choice. They don’t have to follow the path they’re on. It’s not too late to save them.”

“What if they can’t change?”

“I can’t speak for David but Simon will.”

“What if he doesn’t though?”

“He will. Believe me, he will!” I could see the veins popping up on his forehead as he fought hard to control his temper. I had a feeling he would kill me if he could and think nothing of it. I needed to be careful but I still poured another drink.

“You don’t like me do you, Darcy?”

“I think you're a foolish man. You're allowing others to dictate to you what is best for your family.”

“You cannot beat a child into being something he isn’t.”

“I’m not here to criticize you but you're making a big mistake by not being firm with David. He needs someone who sets an example, not someone who is weak.”

“Is that how you see me, as someone who is weak?”

“Weakness, like strength, comes from within.” He tapped the side of his head. “It’s not necessarily limited to your muscles.”

“How do you see yourself?” I waited for an answer as I downed another glass and let out a pronounced sigh of relief.

“I’m not weak,” he said.

“I can tell by the way Simon is scared of you. No child should be scared of their father.” It seemed as if I had finally broken through his defenses.

“I didn’t come here to be insulted, Sykes. Where’s my son?”

“Out!”

“Out where?”

“How the hell should I know?” I slammed my empty glass on the table and he dutifully poured another. “Hold on there, preacher. Are you trying to get me drunk or something?”

That was exactly what he was doing and I knew it too. In fact, I was making his job very easy. He probably couldn’t believe his luck. I needed to slow down and I pushed the glass away. It was too late.

“You don’t need me to get you drunk, Sykes.” He laughed as he stood up.

“Wait a minute, you can’t leave. You haven’t even finished your drink.” I was sure it was the same one. I knew I hadn’t refilled his glass. When I looked across the table there were suddenly three glasses where he had been sitting. I shook my head and they merged into one.

“Where’s Simon?!” Darcy’s voice had an aggressive edge to it which he had been fighting to hold back and it alerted me to a potentially dangerous situation. “He’s probably with your wretched son.”

I stood up to meet his challenge. Relishing the opportunity to finally put him on his backside.

“You wanna be careful how you talk about my boy, asshole.” I balled my fists but my legs weren’t co-operating and I stumbled across the kitchen.

When I looked at him he was just a blur. I rubbed my eyes trying to focus. It wasn’t usual for me to get so drunk from just a handful of glasses. I could drink a bottle and still feel okay.

“You're a fool. Look at you. A worthless drunken fool.” His face and body were contorted and his voice muffled. It echoed inside my head as I tried to keep my balance.

“What was in that drink?” I started walking back to the table to examine the half-empty bottle. “Did you put something in that?”

The kitchen had become enormous. The size of a football field and Darcy was in the distance laughing at me.

“You don’t look well, Sykes. Why don’t you lie down?”

I knew I had been tricked even in my spaced out state. If I could make it to the study, he wouldn’t leave the house alive. I was walking but not getting anywhere. My legs were like rubber and the floor was no longer flat. I could see the door to the study. It was at the top of a steep hill, too far for me to climb.

“I’m gonna kill you, Darcy.”

There were other voices. I couldn’t understand what they were saying and I could no longer tell if they were real or fake.

In my dream, I was lying on the floor and couldn’t move.

I heard Simon arguing with his dad but I couldn’t hear what he was saying or open my eyes.

Then something hit my head and silence.

*     *     *

I was lying on my back, woken by the taste of blood in my mouth, trickling down my throat.

As I tried to get up I was paralyzed by pain. My face was swollen and too sore to touch. The front of my shirt was covered in blood. What happened to me?

I remembered being hit in my dream. Was it real?

I managed to stand up. The room was spinning and it felt like I was still floating. I had been drugged, I was certain of it.

“DAVID, DAVID!”

My voice echoed in my head as I surveyed the room feeling dizzy and sick. Where is he?

The bottle of bourbon had gone. Darcy had taken it with him along with Simon. He got what he came for and I was unable to stop him.

Standing in the doorway and striking a familiar pose was Kate. Whatever drug I had taken, still controlled my brain but it sure as hell looked like her and she wasn’t happy with me. My life, my family, my house, I had destroyed them all after giving her my word I would look after them.

“I fucked up,” I said. It was an understatement.

“Are you happy now?”

“Go away, Kate.” I pushed her aside and stumbled into the hallway but she was standing in front of the stairs blocking my path.

“There’s no one here, they’ve all gone. The kids have left you.” I shook my head to get rid of her voice but upstairs, she was sitting at David’s desk, on Jon’s bed, and in front of her old dresser in our bedroom. As I pissed, I could see her in the mirror, standing behind me.

“You failed them.”

“GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I needed to find David but instead, I collapsed onto my bed and fell back to sleep.

I had no idea how long I slept for but I woke up drenched in sweat and blood. At last, my head was clear but very painful. The effects of the drug had worn off and I realized the bad dreams which had been tormenting my sleep were all real.

I felt empty, like the house. Bereft of life. Silent, cold and suddenly very eerie. I opened the front door and walked outside for some fresh air. There was a kid riding his bike past the front of the house whom I recognized as one of Jon’s friends. He rode up the driveway to me.

“Is Jon indoors?” His smile soon turned to fear though when he saw my bloodied shirt. “Are you okay?”

I nodded and then called after him as he rode away.

“Hey, kid. What time is it?”

“Quarter after eight,” he replied but it meant little to me.

Morning or evening. “What day is it?”

He circled in the road unsure of what to make of me. When I turned to walk back in the house he yelled. “It’s Monday.”

I slammed the door shut. “No fucking way. Have I been asleep for two days?” Darcy had come on Saturday afternoon. It was now Monday evening.

I picked up the phone but the line was dead. Soon it would be me.

Kate had been right I had failed my kids and now I had lost them, maybe for good.

I couldn’t protect Simon from his evil father. In fact, I made it easy for him. Invited him into the house and allowed him to drug me.

David would have tried to help his friend but Darcy wasn’t alone and he would have stood little chance. My son was probably at Todd’s house. I doubted if he would ever want to see me again.

The feeling I had was a familiar one, I had been there before. It’s the pain you get when someone you love is taken away from you, and you know there is nothing you can do to ever get them back. It is the pain of having to accept the unacceptable and no matter what anyone says, you know in your heart you will never be able to because it’s not possible.

I couldn’t accept losing Kate even though I had watched her die. Now it was going to happen again; this time with my kids. I had driven them away. I wanted to die. No memories, no regrets, no nothing. Just falling asleep and never waking up again.

My mind was a complete mess; suicide was no longer just an option but a viable solution. A way out of a swamp which was dragging me down like quicksand and suffocating me. I was able to think about it logically and it frightened me. I didn’t want to hurt myself but the thought of putting a stop to the pain would not leave me.

I think sometimes you can reach a point where the hurt you feel inside becomes so unbearable it overrides everything else, everything you’ve ever learned or been told, everyone you ever loved or cared for, every natural instinct you have and every rational thought.

It consumes all hope and leaves you feeling numb and frightened. There was a certain inevitability about my situation that made me believe I couldn’t recover. Just when I thought I had bottomed out, it dragged me down even further to a place where I had never been before.

The cure to all of my ills was in the study, locked away in the bottom drawer of my desk and soon I was sitting there with the gun in front of me. I was staring out of the window. It must have been evening because the sun was setting, leaving a beautiful orange sky in its wake. It reminded me of Vietnam and I suppose it was only right my last thoughts should be of that place. It was the only time in my life I felt truly alive.

My hand was sweaty as I gripped the gun.

I only spent two years of my life fighting in that war but it felt like much longer. The experience had stained my mind, yet strangely, in an almost perverse way, I wished I was back there. It was like I lived my life around those two years; nothing else I did was important.

Almost without thinking, I thumbed off the safety and lifted the gun.

Maybe I should have died there with Johnson and the others.

“I’m sorry, Kate.”

I closed my eyes and pointed the gun at my temple.

One little squeeze was all it would take and I began pulling the trigger.

Slowly. Gently. Pressing the barrel into the side of my head. I squeezed a little more and screwed up my face.

I heard a scratching sound and opened my eyes.

Next door’s cat was sitting on the ledge outside the window. The crazy tom was looking right at me, daring me to pull the trigger. It was the final insult but I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of watching.

“Stupid animal, what’s wrong with you? Go away. Go on shoo!”

As I waved the gun at him it went off.

There was a loud bang as my hand recoiled and a familiar smell of gunfire. It brought me to my senses and I shook my head. Then I stood up to study the hole in the glass. The cat was gone but a glance out the window confirmed the kill. It never stood a chance.

I hated that cat. In the end, though, I suppose it saved my life. That bullet was meant for me. It was a complete accident, a bizarre twist of fate. But no one was ever going to believe me.

I put the gun down and held my head in my hands. What was I thinking? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

When I looked up the sky was now a deep red. It captivated me. Nature had provided a scene so dramatic and powerful, anyone witnessing it for the first time could have been forgiven for believing the world was about to end. I sat there motionless watching until the last remaining traces of daylight disappeared knowing the sun would rise again in the morning as it always did. I just needed to make sure I was there to see it.

*     *     *

I couldn’t blame Fred for being concerned or for breaking in after seeing the dead cat and spotting me through the window of the study.

I fell asleep with my head on the desk and the gun in front of me. I was covered in blood and it must have looked bad. Somehow, he managed to bust the lock on the front door with his wafer of a shoulder but his rowdy entrance woke me from my troubled sleep.

“Jeff. You're alive. What in the name of…? I saw you through the window? Geez, you looked dead! I busted your door. I thought you’d killed yourself.”

He was more excited than I had ever seen him before but no one was more surprised to see another day than I was. “I thought so too, Fred.”

“You scared the hell outta me. What happened?”

What happened? It was a good question and one I couldn’t answer. It seemed like such a mess.

“I don’t know, Fred. I lost my wife and now my kids. They prefer to be with my brother. I allowed Simon’s dad to make a fool of me in my own house. I gave that kid my word he’d be safe but all I could do was watch as they took him away.”

“And you were gonna kill yourself?”

“I tried. I shot the cat instead.”

He looked confused.

“I saw Simon getting in the car with David and two men. I was walking back from the store on Saturday night.”

“David?”

He nodded. “He went with them. But it didn’t look as if they were being taken against their will. They were quite calm. I assumed you knew about it.”

I stared at him. “Was it the same car that was parked out here last week? Would you be able to recognize the men?”

“It was quite late. I can’t say for certain.”

“Shit.” I couldn’t understand why David went with them when Darcy wanted to keep them apart.

I hated myself. I was useless and pathetic. I allowed them to be taken away by a madman. I could have stopped it!

“Why did you let him in? What were you thinking?” I could hear the army coming out in Fred’s voice as he questioned me.

“Because I wanted a drink.”

“What’s going on, Jeff?”

“I can’t stay sober. I’m a fucking alcoholic. Haven’t you noticed?”

“Well done.” He started clapping his hands at me. “You just took the first step to recovery.”

“Fuck off, Fred. I’m not into all that group therapy shit!”

“That’s the second step. You're getting there.”

“How many steps are there?”

“Thousands, you probably couldn’t count them all. It won’t be easy either. You're gonna go through a lot of pain and discomfort and feel worse than you’ve ever felt in your life.”

I shook my head and reached for the gun; his hand came down on it first and swiftly moved it across the desk and out of my reach. “But you will make it to the promised land.” He gave me a toothless smile and I couldn’t help laughing.

“Thank you, for the advice. I’ve had enough of preachers.” I stood up and patted him on the shoulder. “From this moment on, I won't touch a single drop of alcohol and you're not to give me any, no matter what I say.”

“It’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done.”

“I mean it, Fred. It doesn’t matter how much I plead with you. You're not to give me any. Got it?”

“I understand. You won’t get a drop.”

“I allowed that creep to kidnap his son. He was able to drug me because I wanted a drink so bad. I dread to think what Simon’s going through because of me and David’s with him. I needed to protect them.”

When I lifted the phone; the line was still dead so I ripped it out of the wall and threw it across the room making Fred duck.

“I guess they cut you off. You can use my phone if you want to call your brother. Or I could leave you alone so you can finish wrecking the house”

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Fred. I can’t think straight. I need your help.”

“You want me to help you?” He laughed. “Like all the times you helped me, you mean? Like when you say you're gonna fix the fence or help me cut the grass. You never help anyone other than yourself. You're always too drunk. Now you want my help finding your son because you were too drunk to listen to him when he most needed you. He’s not a bad kid, Jeff. It’s a shame you can’t see it.”

“There’s more to it than meets the eye.”

“Oh, I’m sure there is. I know he’s gay.”

“You what? Who told you?”

“Oh come on, Jeff. I could tell. Call it instinct, whatever. I just know these things.”

“Bullshit!”

“Yeah, you're right.” He chuckled. “Actually I saw them out the back one day. David and Simon, they were being a little intimate.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Why? They weren’t doing anything bad, just kissing.”

Fred’s attitude surprised me. “Most people wouldn’t like it. I mean two guys.”

“Come on. I know what’s been going on. I see and hear a lot of things next door and I feel for you because you have problems. But the way I see it, David isn’t one of them.”

“But what he’s done is—.”

“What has he done?”

“You don’t know.”

“That’s right, Jeff. I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like to love someone. Is that what you think? Do you think I was born old?”

“No, of course not.”

“You're right. I was young too once and was lucky enough to experience love, only it wasn’t so easy for me. Times have changed. We don’t have to be so scared anymore. Things are getting better. Young men like David and Simon should be able to openly love each other without bigots like you and that idiot father of his interfering. Playing fucking God with people’s lives.”

I was shocked; I had never heard Fred talk like this before.

“Don’t you think it’s wrong?”

“No. Why would I think that?”

“Because they’re two guys.”

“So were we.”

I turned my head toward him and dropped my mouth. He was smiling.

“Do you think David and Simon invented it?”

“Fred… You're not saying?”

“I’m gay, Jeff. Yes, that’s right. Queer. Homosexual. Whatever you wanna call it. Must have caught it when I was serving abroad in the marines.”

“But you fought in the war. Omaha Beach?”

That made him laugh. “I joined the military to serve my country like you. I’m patriotic. The fact I was gay made no difference at all. Why would it?”

I was shocked by Fred’s revelation, it seemed hardly believable. “You don’t look like—.”

“Don’t insult me. You still have a lot to learn.”

“Maybe I don’t wanna learn.”

“You do, or you would’ve used that bullet on yourself instead of the cat. If you love David and you want your family back, then you’ll learn.”

In my eyes, Fred changed that day. Not particularly in a bad way but I could never look at him or talk to him the same again. I kept trying to imagine him as a young man. It was weird, I never thought it was possible to be old and gay, yet homosexuality, apparently, had been around for a long time. Fred was as old as the hills, possibly older and I would never have known or guessed if he hadn’t told me.

I wondered what had happened to his partner or if they were ever allowed to be together. I found myself hoping they were. He deserved to be happy even if it was only for a while.

“I’m sorry, Fred.” I patted him on the shoulder. “Things have changed so much lately. It’s taking time for me to adjust but I’m getting there. Really, I am. Do you want some coffee? I haven’t got much food in. I didn’t think it was worth going shopping, seeing as I was planning on killing myself.” I could hear him laughing as he followed me into the living room.

“This is a serious weapon you got here.”

It was strange how I knew exactly what was going to happen but still couldn’t prevent it. The moment those words left his mouth, everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

I saw the gun in his hand.

It was loaded.

I knew the safety was off.

I was in his line of fire.

“Don’t touch it, Fred. It’s very.” Responsive was going to be my next word but there wasn’t time.

The gun fired!

I felt the bullet rip through my leg and I fell to the floor.

I had spent two years fighting an invisible and tenacious enemy in some of the worst conditions imaginable and survived with nothing more than a few scratches, only to be shot in my own home, with my own gun, by my gay, geriatric neighbor.

“Jeff, are you okay?”

“No, Fred. You fucking shot me!”

“I didn’t mean to. You should always put the safety on. I could’ve killed you.”

“You shouldn’t have picked it up. Now can you please call 911?” The bullet had passed right through my calf, just below the knee. I could feel the exit wound but even though I had tended to far worse injuries in Vietnam, I couldn’t bring myself to look at my own.

He had to go to his house to call for an ambulance. “I’ll get my first aid box too.”

“Never mind the first aid, just bring me back a shot of whiskey. I know you have some. It’ll calm me down and dull the pain.”

“I can’t do that, Jeff. You made me promise, remember?”

“Oh, come on, Fred. That was before you shot me. This is medicinal.”

“Sorry. You know I can’t do it.”

If I could have reached the gun I would have definitely evened up the score and he knew it too.

“You’ll thank me for this one day,” he said. I doubted it.

*     *     *

“I was trying to stop him from killing himself.” I had to laugh when Fred tried to explain to the police officer why he shot me. Moments before, he had arrived at the house with his gun drawn, expecting something much worse.

“So you shot him yourself, instead?”

“He didn’t mean to.” I was speaking through an oxygen mask and they struggled to understand me.

“Well, it’s a little unconventional but it seems to have worked,” said the smiling officer. “I mean, he’s still alive.”

I raised my hand to prove I was still in the land of the living before they carted me off to the hospital for an operation. Fred was left in charge of my wrecked house and my only instruction to him was to bury the cat before they noticed him missing next door.

They gave me painkillers, probably morphine and I was back in a deep dream. The boy from Vietnam was waiting for me, he was always there pleading for me to help him but each time I allowed him to die. Now his face had been replaced with Simon’s but still, I could only stand and watch as the soldier fired into him and he fell to the floor.

*     *     *

I woke up in a cold sweat but to a familiar face. My old buddy from Vietnam.

“Rizzo, what are you doing here?”

“I heard your luck finally ran out, Jeff.”

“Yeah, my next door neighbor shot me.”

He smiled but it was the smile of a deeply troubled man whose thoughts were somewhere else. He waited while the nurse made me comfortable but avoided eye contact until she gave him the signal to continue.

“Jeff. I’m sorry we had to wake you but I have some bad news for you.”

I was still very groggy but somehow I knew what he was going to say.

My heart sank.

I had already dreamt it.

“Is it Simon?”

His eyes dropped to his lap.

“He’s David’s friend, isn’t he?”

“What happened?”

“He was taken to the hospital this morning after a heroin overdose.” He reached out a hand to touch my arm. “He was dead on arrival. I’m sorry.”

Those words were like daggers piercing my heart. I shut my eyes as I tried to process the information but it was difficult to believe.

“No, Rizzo. You’ve got him mixed up with somebody else. You must have… Simon wasn’t on drugs.”

“No mistake. We got a positive ID. Simon Morrison, age sixteen and our records show he was living at your house.”

I covered my face with my hand as my heart sank even lower. It didn’t seem possible that he was dead. He was too young. I was hit by a feeling of dread and a shiver ran up my spine as I remembered Simon’s words.

“If I don’t conform and I can’t be saved, I’ll become a victim. I’ll have a drug overdose, even though I’ve never used drugs in my life. That kind of thing. They’ll do it to scare others into believing bad things happen when you leave.”

I had lost track of time but it seemed like only a few days ago when we had that conversation. The day he tried to jump out of my car.

I tried to get out of bed. I needed to move but the nurse and then Rizzo restrained me. I was hot and sweating but most of all I needed a drink.

“You can’t walk,” said the nurse. “You were shot in the leg.” Then she turned to Rizzo. “He needs to rest, detective.” He ignored her and so did I. There were more important matters that couldn’t wait.

“He wasn’t a user. He didn’t do drugs,” I said.

“It was heroin that killed him.”

“He didn’t inject himself.”

Rizzo looked resigned. “We don’t think so either. That’s why I’ve been assigned to the case.” I should have known. He was in homicide. “Why was he living at your house?”

“I allowed him to stay because he was scared of his old man." There was stuff I had to tell him about Darcy and the religion but I was suddenly gripped with fear as I remembered what Fred told me.

“Where’s David?”

“I was hoping you’d be able to tell me.”

“He left with Simon. He got into Darcy’s car.”

“When was this?”

I had to think; my mind was a mess. “Saturday. Darcy took them away. I couldn’t stop him. I was drugged.”

Rizzo looked worried. “That was four days ago, Jeff.”

“NO!” I tried once again to get up, my face contorted in pain and frustration. “It’s Darcy! He killed Simon and he’ll do the same to David if you don’t stop him.” There was an intravenous drip in my arm which I yanked out but Rizzo was always stronger than me and this time was no different.

He held me down as the nurse sedated me and I was back in the world of my dreams.

The rest of the day seemed to drift away in a haze of medication. I wasn’t sure anymore what was real or what wasn’t but Rizzo’s words kept repeating in my head.

“Simon Morrison, age sixteen… He was dead on arrival.”

Even in my dreams, I knew I had to find David. But I was convinced he was alive.

Then I saw Simon’s face again. He was laughing as the soldier shot him.

“Simon Morrison, age sixteen… He was dead on arrival.”

Was I responsible? Was Simon another one of my victims? Did I allow him to die? My mind was in turmoil, drifting in and out of consciousness.

*     *     *

“Daddy, can you hear me?”

I felt someone rubbing my hand and stroking my head.

“Suzanne, how did you know I was here?” I squinted at her as she came into focus.

“Fred found Todd’s number in your phone book.” She was crying and I tried to sit upright to comfort her but the pain in my leg forced me back down.

Todd was standing behind her looking worried and I started to panic.

“What’s wrong? Todd, what is it?”

He didn’t need to answer. It was written on his face and I broke down.