Noah and Jordan - 9. Chapter Nine

*** JORDAN ***

He thinks I don’t like him.

Where in the world would he get such a crazy idea? Why wouldn’t I like him? I’ve tried including him in my life, invited him to my games, hanging out with him. Fine, there was that time at my birthday party I tried to avoid him, but surely he can’t be angry about that still. Can he? Maybe this is why he’s been a bit removed at times. Maybe it goes even further back? Maybe this is why he didn’t tell me what was bothering him and instead went to Sebastian.

I need to know. I need to set the record straight. I have to talk to him tonight or it will drive me crazy. I know I’m being impulsive but I don’t care. I turn around. I just dropped off Jenn and was heading home, but I can’t go home yet. I start walking towards Noah’s apartment.

Luckily, when I arrive someone is leaving so I don't need to be buzzed in. I make my way up to his apartment and knock on the door. No response. I try again. Nothing. Shit, he isn't home. This was stupid coming here. I try calling him. Nothing. I should go. I'm about to walk away when I hear a noise in the hallway. It sounds like Noah. He's home. I'm about to come forward when I hear another voice. Sebastian? Instead of leaving I sink into a dimly lit corner. I don't want them to see me. I’ll wait for them to go inside and then leave. But why are they together?

I see them walk up to the door. They stop. What the hell is he doing? What the fuck?

Holy shit.

I just stand there flabbergasted. I feel like my jaw is going to hit the floor. It's true. Noah and Sebastian are both gay. And they’re a couple? It doesn’t make sense ... yet it does. I thought they were about to kiss the last time I saw them, but I wasn’t completely sure. I figured there was another explanation. But there is no explanation for this. There can’t be. They’re both gay.

“Wow, Sebastian. That was … Jordan?”

Shit. He sees me. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. What do I do?

I inch forward. “Um … hey guys. Sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m just going to go.”

I take off as fast as I can. I’m sure as hell glad I don’t have those crutches any more. I’m shocked. Utterly shocked. Even though the thought crossed my mind last weekend, I still can't believe it. I just never imagined Noah and Sebastian together in that way. And why would Noah choose him anyway?

“Jordan, wait!” I hear Noah's voice call out after me as I exit the building. I stop. “What you saw back there …”

I turn around. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to …”

“Please don’t tell anyone.”

He looks scared. “Of course. I won’t say anything. I should go.”

I can see the fear in Noah's eyes. I should stay. I should talk to him. But I don’t know what I would say. I need to get out of here. My head is spinning. I need to get away.

It doesn't take me long to get home. I throw my keys onto the table and fall onto the edge of my bed. My heart is racing. I put my head into my hands and close my eyes. The image of Sebastian and Noah pops right back into my head. I can see Sebastian moving closer, placing his lips on Noah’s. My eyes shoot open. For all the time I’ve known Sebastian I would never have thought he was gay. I thought he dated like a million girls. Though, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend. Then there is Noah. He had a girlfriend. Maybe he is bi? Maybe both of them are bi? That would explain a lot, especially with Noah. I remember how he reacted when we were talking about the book and Clarissa possibly being bi. All these tiny pieces seem to be falling into place.

But in the end, none of that matters. It’s none of my business and does not concern me. They are adults. They can choose to be with whomever they want to be with. It’s their choice.

Why is it then that I can't stop thinking about them?

It’s weird. I don’t know why, but part of me is happy to know Noah is gay. Not that it matters. It makes no difference to my life. I’m straight. Those dreams I had with Noah didn’t mean anything. They were just stupid dreams. I don't have feelings for him. Besides, I’m with Jenn. They were just dreams.

Okay. I know what will help. All I need is a good night’s rest. I haven’t had that in a while. That will help clear my head. I will feel better. Then tomorrow I will call Noah and apologize for the way I acted. For now though, sleep.

Relax. You can fall asleep. Just sleep. I toss and turn several times. Nothing.

One sheep ... two sheep ... three sheep .... 101 sheep .... 200 sheep ... 450 sheep ...

I’m out of sheep. Now what?

I just stay in bed, eyes wide open. I keep replaying that scene of Sebastian kissing Noah.

I can see Noah. A hand wraps around the back of his neck. A face comes closer to Noah, just inches away from his lips. Noah's arms shoot up, grabbing on to a waist. My waist. I can feel his arms pulling me in. I look at his face and I bring my lips closer to his. I press against him, feeling his body against mine. I move my lips. They touch. I start to suck on his lower lip, slowly massaging it between mine. My hands are now firmly around his body, holding him close. I move my tongue into his mouth, searching for his tongue. My body is shaking, my heart thumping. I can't seem to get enough of him. I’m kissing him more forcefully, more passionately. Our lips are locked, our bodies grinding against one another. I can feel my dick straining against my clothes. It starts to rub against my pants as our bodies dance. The pressure builds inside of me. I can’t hold on any longer. A wave of pleasure runs over me as I release.

My eyes shoot open and I jump out of my bed. My pants are soaked. What the hell was that?

I quickly clean myself and change my clothes. I grab a bag and stuff whatever items of clothing I can find inside. I need to get out of here.

——— 

It costs a fortune, but there is a flight leaving in an hour. I know I shouldn’t spend the money. I don’t even have it. But I don’t care. I need to go home. That dream scared me. I was aroused. I was actually aroused. Even now thinking about it makes me hard. The thought of Noah makes me hard. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m not gay. I like girls. So why am I aroused?

It doesn’t take long to get home; the plane ride is only about an hour. From the airport it takes another half an hour. I hope my mom is there. I didn’t call her to tell her I’m coming home. I want to surprise her. I hope I’m not the one getting a surprise. I step up to the door and knock. A few seconds later the door opens.

My mom stands there speechless for a moment. “Jordan! What a wonderful surprise!”

“Hey, Mom.”

“It's so nice to see you!” she says giving me a nice and long hug. “I had no idea you were coming home. Why didn't you call? I would have picked you up from the airport!”

“I thought I would surprise you.”

“And what a surprise! Come in. It’s so good to see you!” She gives me another hug. “I'm so glad you're here. I really have missed you.”

“I've missed you too.”

It really is nice to be home.

——— 

I just meant to close my eyes for five minutes. I went upstairs to drop off my stuff. I was just going to lie down for a few minutes. I wasn’t planning on taking a nap. Instead I slept for hours! By the time I make my way downstairs it is almost dark outside.

“Up sleepy head?” my mom asks as I enter the kitchen.

“Yeah, I didn’t mean to go to sleep. You should have woken me up.”

“It looked like you could use some rest. How is school going?”

I fill her in on school, volleyball, my foot. She’s a nurse so asks a bunch of follow up questions about my ankle and my health in general.

“And how's Kate?” she asks.

Her question catches me off guard. I guess I forgot to tell her that ended. “We broke up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You’re okay?”

“I’m good,” I say giving her a smile so she knows I’m telling the truth.

“When did it happen?”

“A few weeks ago …”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I kind of forgot. Sorry. I'm seeing someone else now though. Her name is Jenn,” I say.

“How's that going?”

“It's going well. I really like her,” I say. That reminds me, I should call or message Jenn.

“That’s good. Okay, dinner is ready. Grab some dishes.”

The one thing I miss most about home is my mom's cooking. There really isn't anything like a nice warm home cooked meal.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” she says as we eat, “I ran into your friend Aiden at the supermarket yesterday.”

“What? Isn’t he in Australia?”

“He's back home for the week.”

It’s been some time since I last saw Aiden. I’ve known him basically my entire life. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. Unfortunately, we haven’t kept in touch as much in the past few years. After graduation he moved to Australia. The huge time difference doesn’t help.

As soon as I finish dinner I go over to his place. His parents live in the next street.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” I can hear Aiden yell from inside the house. The door swings open. “Jordan! Dude! Where the hell did you come from?”

“From over there,” I say pointing in the direction I came from.

“I mean what the fuck are you doing here!?”

“I decided to come home for Thanksgiving. What the fuck are you doing here?” I yell back at him with just as much enthusiasm.

“Same! Shit, man how long has it been?”

“Too long. Are you going to invite me inside or are we just going to talk loudly in the doorway?” What a guy.

“Of course, come in!”

If I was glad to be home before, now I am just ecstatic. Aiden always knows how to cheer me up.

*** NOAH ***

The sheer horror in his eyes. The disgust. I can’t shake the image of how his eyes pierced through the darkness, through my soul. Of how, just in that instant, everything I’ve worked to build started to fall apart. Never in my life have I felt this low, this torn, angry, conflicted, tormented and afraid.

Deep inside of me is this fear I’m losing control of my life, of my story. I hid in the closet for all of these years because I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted, that when people got to know the real me they would run. And I was right. Jordan ran. He couldn’t stand to be in my presence even for a second. And this may only be the beginning. I don’t know who else is going to run, or what more I may now lose.

And to think, for a moment I thought I could be happy. For the first time in my life I felt good about myself. I actually started to embrace my sexuality. The dinner/date with Sebastian was fantastic. We connected. We laughed. We had a good time. Then there was that kiss. His lips on mine. My first gay kiss. It was amazing. It was more powerful, more satisfying, than any other kiss I’ve ever had. I liked being with him; I liked how it felt to be wrapped in his arms. It felt right.

Then it wasn’t right. Then there was just emptiness. Then there was just the expression on Jordan’s face as he ran. Shock, anger, disgust. A mix of all three. Whatever he felt it was clear he wasn’t okay knowing my truth.

Sebastian tried to calm me down. He kept going on about how Jordan’s reaction proved he wasn’t a good person. But it wasn’t helping. I just wanted to be alone. After a while I asked him to leave. I felt bad, but I didn’t know what else to do.

I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t shake that feeling of chaos, dread, despair raging inside my soul. I just kept thinking of what comes next. Will it be like high school all over again? Always wondering who knows about my sexuality. Always wondering if they’re judging me.

Then there’s Jenn. Say if she finds out. Can I trust Jordan that he won’t say anything? I don’t know. He said he wouldn’t. But say if he does. Say if he tells someone else and it gets back to her. She shouldn’t hear this from someone else. She should hear it from me. But what if she runs too? I can’t afford to lose her. I can’t afford to be rejected again. She is my best friend, my rock. Without her I truly will be lost.

I start to weigh the pros and cons of whether or not I should tell Jenn. The cons are obvious. She may react like Jordan. But then there are all the pros. I won’t be alone anymore. I’ll have another person who will support me. Deep down I know she will support me.

In the end the answer is obvious. What I felt with Sebastian was real. I’m gay. I can’t deny it anymore. And as for Jenn, I don’t have a choice if I tell her or not. I have to. I can’t risk her hearing it from someone else. It has to come from me. It’s time. She deserves to know.

There is just one small problem. Every time I pick up the phone, I put it back down. I need to stop doing this. I need to trust my instincts. I pick up the phone and dial her number. It rings. I panic. I hang up. I want to tell her, I really do, but I’m just … I’m scared. My hands are all cold and sweaty. I’m shaking. My mouth is painfully dry.

Breathe. Relax.

I can do this. She deserves to know. Attempt number two. I pick up the phone. It rings.

“Now you call!” Jenn yells in my ear. “I called you like five times last night but you didn't pick up!”

“Sorry, I fell asleep,” I lie. I ignored her calls. I didn’t have it in me to talk to her. Besides, I know why she was calling. She probably wanted to tell me all about her date with Jordan. He was supposed to be with her last night! So, why was he at my door?

“Aren't you curious how my date with Jordan went?” she asks.

“I am … but I ... uh ... actually need to talk to you about something else.” My heart is pounding so hard it feels as if it will break free from my chest at any moment.

“What's up?”

“I was, ah, wondering …” Breathe. In. Out. You got this. “I was wondering … if you could ... if you had the time of course … ah, drop by.”

“You sound weird. Is everything okay?”

“Uh … yeah … um … it’s … yeah … it'll be fine.” I’m really trying to control my breathing, but it’s not working. I’m sure she can tell I’m taking slow and deep breaths.

“You’re really scaring me man. I’ll come over right away. I'll see you in a bit, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks. See you soon.”

All of my efforts to calm myself down are failing. I’ve never been this nervous. I don’t have time to second guess my decision, or back out. Jenn is at the door in what feels like seconds.

“Hey, Jenn,” I say opening the door. She just looks at me. I try to smile. It doesn’t help I’m breathing so loud.

“You don’t look good.”

“I'm fine, honestly.”

“You're shaking, Noah.”

“Just a little cold. Come sit.”

“Honestly you’re really freaking me out right now. What’s going on?”

I'm gay. Wow, that was easy to say in my head. Now I just have to say it out loud. That's the tricky part. How do I even tell her? What do I say? Where do I even begin? I should have thought about this before I called her. Shit.

“I'm fine,” I try to give her a weak smile. “Jenn, I just want you to know … how much your friendship means to me. You are without a doubt my closest and best friend. Growing up … I uh … I never had many friends ... especially not a best friend. There was never someone … who really understood me … or someone I could trust. You have no idea just how grateful I am that you’re in my life.” I begin to really shake now. “And I just want you … um … want you to know that no matter how you feel about me after all this is done.”

“After what is done?” I can see the concern in her eyes. “What’s going on?”

I take a deep breath. It doesn’t really help. It feels like my lungs have deflated. I just can’t get enough air.

“Jenn … what I wanted to say is …” I lower my eyes. “I’ve been hiding part of me from you …”

“What part?”

This is it. “I ... I like … guys …”

I can’t bring myself to say the word ‘gay’, at least not yet.

“Like guys as in …?”

“Like them ...”

“Is this some sort of elaborate prank?” she asks.

I finally look up at her. “No.”

“Oh,” she says slowly. “You’re ...” I can see her facial expression change.

“Gay,” I say finishing her sentence. It is such a short and simple word, yet such a hard one to say out loud. “I hope you’re okay with that.”

“Oh, Noah.” She wraps her arms around me. “Of course I am! I love you, and nothing will ever change that.”

“So, you’re not angry?”

She pushes back. “Why in the world would I be angry?”

“For lying to you …”

“Noah, of course not. I can’t imagine this is easy. Honestly, I’m just really surprised. I’m usually good at figuring this stuff out. But the thought never even crossed my mind. You dated Stacey, you mentioned other girls. So, this feels a bit out of nowhere. But I’m so glad you told me. I’m okay with however you define your sexuality. Honestly, I still love you.”

“Thank you, I love you too, Jenn. Just not in that way,” I say finally allowing myself to smile. I finally feel like I can breathe again.

“Well, I should have known. The fact that you didn’t want to date me should have been the most obvious sign! How long have you known?”

“A while now. Since high school.”

“High school!” she yells while smacking me on the arm. “And you're only telling me now?”

I shrug. “Yeah.”

“So, just one day you were like, hey that guy is kind of cute.”

“Sort of. It was gradual.” I tell her about my time in high school, the boy I fell for, and why I left the city. “That's why I was scared of telling you. I didn’t want you to shun me too.”

“I would never do that! I thought you knew me better than that. I’m actually a bit offended!”

“I’m sorry, Jenn. I should have known better. It's taken me a long time to get here. I was always so confused, which is why I dated Stacey. I thought if I could make it work with her then everything would be okay. But it wasn’t.”

“That explains why you stuck with that bitch.”

“She wasn’t that bad,” I say.

Jenn just gives me cut eye. “Yeah she was.”

“I knew that relationship wasn’t going anywhere. But I also knew breaking up with her would mean I would have to face reality, and I wasn’t strong enough back then.”

“What changed now?”

“It's complicated,” I say.

“I have all the time in the world.”

“I realized I was ignoring a part of my life. And that you can only run for so long. Life catches up with you eventually.”

“Yeah, I have no idea what that means,” Jenn says.

“Someone here figured out that I’m gay. They helped me realize what I want, and that I should be honest with myself and those around me.”

“Who figured it out? I didn’t and I spend practically all of my time with you!”

“It doesn't really matter.”

“It does to me! Do I know this person?”

“Yes.”

“Jordan?” she asks.

“No. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that someone did and they’ve been helpful.”

“I’m not going to let you off that easy. If you won’t tell me then you’ll have to answer my next question. Deal?”

“Do I get to know what the question is first?” I don’t trust her.

“Nope.”

I hesitate. “Fine.”

“Have you ever been with a guy?”

I blush. Jenn has no boundaries. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no.”

“Ever had a boyfriend?”

I pause. “Not really. Almost.”

“What does that mean, almost?”

I shouldn’t have said that. “Nothing, it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Spill the details. I’m not letting this one go,” she says. “We don’t keep secrets.”

We don’t. Well, she doesn’t. I just kept one big secret.

“Fine. I’ve been spending time with the guy who figured it out. Mainly as friends. But he wants more.”

“And what do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like him?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

“Nerves. Stupidity. He’s a good guy,” I say.

“If you like him and he’s a good guy then go for it. You’re young. Explore. Have fun. Sleep around. And if it doesn’t work out then that's fine. You won’t know what you want until you get out there,” she says.

“You’re right.”

“So, you said I know this guy. Who can it be? Oh, is it Jake from our Espionage class? He seems like he could be gay.”

“No, it's not him.” He is cute though.

“Parker?” Another guy from one of our classes.

“No.”

“Oh! Carter. You two would make such a great couple.”

“No.”

“You know I’m going to keep guessing until you tell me, right?”

“He’s not out, Jenn.”

“So? I won’t say anything, I promise. Besides you kind of owe me.”

“How?”

“You kept a big ass secret from me for years. I think I deserve to know who you’re shacking up with.”

I know Jenn. She won’t give up. “Fine. But you can’t tell anyone. Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Sebastian.”

She looks confused for a second. Then it dawns on her. “Wait, Sebastian, as in the volleyball guy? The extremely sexy volleyball guy?”

“Yeah,” I try to suppress a smile but I can’t.

“Holy shit! He’s gay? Damn, too bad. But wow, good for you, Noah! Way to score big on your first time around the block!”

“Thanks.”

“So, how long has this been going on?”

“Not that long. Do you remember that day you saw us together in the library?”

“Yeah.”

“He came out to me then. We talked a bit after that. Then the day of Jordan’s birthday party he asked if I was gay. I tried to lie, but it didn’t work. I told him the truth, and we’ve just been taking it slow from there. We met for dinner last night.”

“Your first date!” Jenn squeals.

“It wasn’t a date,” I insist.

“Call it whatever you want, it was a date. I want ALL of the details.”

I try to be vague, but Jenn keeps pestering me with questions so I tell her bits and pieces. “But our date was cut short.”

“One, you just said ‘date’, so I just want to say I was right, and two, why? What happened?”

I’ll let the first part go. “Well, we went back to my place and …”

“Oooh. And?”

“And …” I look down at the floor. “He kissed me.”

“Yes!” She says punching me in the arm. “How was the kiss? Is he a good kisser? He looks like a good kisser.”

I blush. “Yeah.”

“And then what happened? You’re killing me here!”

“Nothing happened because ... when I looked to the side ... I noticed something.”

“What?” she asks impatiently

“Jordan was there.”

“Jordan? What? What the fuck was he doing there!?”

“That’s the same question I’ve been asking! I have no idea. But he was there and he saw us. And the look on his face Jenn … honestly … it was … it was … I don’t know how to describe it. He seemed shocked, disgusted, angry. I don’t know. But I didn’t even get a chance to talk to him properly because he ran. I asked him not to say anything, but I’m not sure if he will.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Noah.”

“It's okay, Jenn.”

“Wait, is that the reason you came out to me? Because Jordan knows and you thought he might tell me?”

I pause. “To be honest, Jenn, that’s part of the reason. But it's not the main one. I told you because I honestly feel like I'm ready. That kiss with Sebastian took away all of the doubts in my head that I’m gay. Being with him felt right. It was a feeling I never got with Stacey. That's why I told you.”

“Honestly it doesn’t matter why. The important part is that you told me. I'm just still surprised Jordan was there. Wait, what time was this? We had our date last night. It went well, thanks for asking, by the way.”

“That's part of the reason why I was surprised to see him, I thought you two were on a date. He was there probably around 11 o’clock.”

“He dropped me off at home around 10:45.”

“So, that means he came straight to my place. Do you have any idea why?” I’ve been going nuts trying to figure out why Jordan would come over so late on a Friday. He has never done that before!

“No. He didn’t say anything but …” Her eyes start to drift as if she is lost in thought.

“You know something,” I say.

“Maybe. But promise you won’t be angry.”

“Why would I be angry?” I ask her.

“Because I kind of broke a promise. But I found out some valuable information!”

“What did you do?” This is not going to be good.

She bites her lips. “Jordan said he felt you were a bit distant these past few days, and asked if I knew anything. I sort of, kind of, told him that you thought he didn’t want to be your friend.”

I just stare at her with a look of annoyance. “I specifically asked you not to say anything.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. But it just came up in conversation! He is the one that brought it up and wouldn’t let it go. He says he enjoys hanging out with you and that he thinks of you as a good friend. He seemed really sincere. I know you have every right to be angry with me, but at least now you know the truth.”

“You broke a promise. I’m really angry.”

“I know and I’m sorry. But at least you now know how he feels. Besides, when you called this morning you freaked me out. I thought you were going to tell me you’re dying. So, I think we’re even.”

“We’re far from even. But it doesn’t matter. If he didn’t hate me before he probably hates me now. You didn’t see his face, Jenn. Or the way he acted. It really was awful.”

“Maybe he was just surprised and didn’t know what to do. I was surprised.”

“But you didn’t run. He didn’t have to either.”

“Can I ask you something Noah?" Jenn’s tone is serious all of a sudden. “Honestly, how do you feel about Jordan?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I know exactly what she means and I don’t want to have this conversation.

“Do you like him as a friend … or is it more than that?”

“None of that matters.” It really doesn’t. My friendship with Jordan is over. That is the reality.

“I just want to know,” she says.

“Why?” I ask her.

“Because I think this goes beyond just friendship with him.”

“He’s straight,” I tell her.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean you can’t like him.”

“I've only ever liked him as a friend,” I say.

She takes my hand. “I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you.” She can see through my lies.

“It's fine, Jenn. You can’t get everything in life.”

“Do you want me to break up with him?”

I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that. You deserve to be happy. And you breaking up with him won't change anything.”

“Well, if he has a problem with you being gay then I’m dumping his ass. And even if he doesn’t have a problem, and it is still too difficult for you to be around him, I’ll break it off. You come first.”

“Thank you.”

“So, are you going to see Sebastian again?”

“I’d like to.”

“Well, at least now we can do one thing as a team.”

“What's that?” I ask her.

“We can check out hot guys together,” she says with a wink.

Oh, Jenn. Even though I kind of hate her for breaking her promise, I really do love her. She really is one of a kind.

*** JORDAN ***

It feels like the good old days. Sitting around, watching a movie, talking to Aiden. I used to spend hours at his house. It was always so easy hanging out with Aiden. It still is. I can’t even remember the last time we hung out like this. It’s been way too long.

Another good thing about Aiden is that he isn’t part of my university circle. He lives far away. He doesn’t know any of my current friends. So, I can talk to him. I can get his advice. I can ask him questions that I can’t ask anyone else. Plus, I always come to him for advice. He is my most trusted advisor.

“So, I wanted your advice on something. I just started seeing this girl … and things are great … but there is also someone else,” I say. “And I don’t know what to do.”

“Look at your mister player!”

I tell him about Jenn, how I just started seeing her and that everything is great.

“But then I met this other girl at the beginning of the year. At first, we were just friends. But now … I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about her a lot.” I’m not going to tell Aiden the 'her' is actually a 'him’ named Noah. I don’t like lying. But I can’t tell him the truth either. “She is in one of my classes. At first it was just a regular friendship but things have changed. We’ve been hanging out a fair bit. We always have a good time. I make her laugh. She makes me laugh. When she’s not around I think about her a lot. The thing is she isn’t the typical type of girl I date.” Now that is a stretch. Noah is not like anyone I have ever dated before.

“How is she not typical?” Aiden asks.

“She’s nerdy, shy, sarcastic … just different.” She is also a man, but I don’t say that part.

“None of that is a big deal,” he says. “Besides, different can be good. I don’t see what the problem is. You clearly seem to like this girl.”

“We just have this connection … but she has a boyfriend.” Now that part is in fact true. Noah does have a boyfriend. Or at least I assume that's the case.

“Ah. How long have they been dating?”

“Don’t know. I think maybe a week or two?”

“That's nothing! That's like two or three dates. If you like her make a move before it becomes serious with the other dude. It helps if the other guy is ugly or a weirdo.”

Sebastian is many things but ugly is not one of them. “Unfortunately, he is real competition. Besides I don’t know if I can be with her. I just think this is a phase and I’ll get over it. I’ll get her out of my head. I just don’t know how.”

“I’ve known you for a long time, dude, and you never fret over girls like this. Something tells me you want to be with this other girl,” Aiden says. “Do you like her?”

I pause. I don’t like Noah like that. I just like being around him. “I just want to be around her. But I can’t be with her. It just isn’t possible.”

“Why isn’t it possible?”

Because I’m not gay! I’ve never liked a guy sexually. “It just isn’t, Aiden. Being with her would be a major shift in lifestyle.” A major shift.

“How? I have no idea what that means.”

“I don’t know how to explain.” I honestly don’t.

“Look man, I don’t know what the issue is, but clearly there is one you’re not telling me. That’s fine. The only advice I can give you is that if you want to be with her, then go for it. It sounds like you really like her. Maybe this crush will go away, maybe it won’t. But there is no harm trying. What’s the worst that will happen? She rejects you? Well, you’ll move on. It's not worth letting some taboos or whatever the issue is come in the way of you being happy. You know my motto, fuck the world.”

“It's a good motto.”

“I know! Tell me this, when you’re with her are you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Then I think you know what you want.”

“I don't know, Aiden.”

“You only live life once. You can't live based on what other people are going to think. Do what makes you happy and if being with her is what makes you happy, then go for it. Unless she is a space alien I really don't see what the problem is.”

“I’ll think about it. Let’s talk about something else.”

After a while I bid Aiden farewell. For once talking to him actually didn't make anything easier. I can't be with Noah. I just can't. I'm not gay. I've never thought about a guy in that way. This is a phase and it will pass. The problem is this phase only appears to be getting stronger and stronger. Deep down inside I know I want to be with Noah. I want to hold him. I really want to kiss him. The thought makes me shiver.

Since I took a long nap I can't sleep. Instead I turn on my laptop. My fingers hover over the keyboard. I want to see more. I want to know more. I type in the word 'porn' and then slowly 'gay'. I give in to my curiosity.