The silence kills me; it pierces through my veins, driving me crazy. There is noise all around us, yet I hear nothing; to me it’s all mute. Nothing matters. All that does is who is standing in front of me. Neither of us says a word. It’s his silence that I can’t stand. I want him to say something, anything. I notice his lips part as if he is about to say something. My heart skips a beat. He seems to think for a second and then closes his mouth. There is so much to say, so much I need to say, but I can’t find the right words. My emotions are swelling up inside, bubbling like lava in a volcano before it erupts, spewing ash everywhere. The moment is coming close. He's going to leave. My body is screaming at me to stop him, but I know I don’t have a choice. He has to go. I’m really going to miss him.
“Bye, Jordan,”I say, defeated.
---A Few Weeks Earlier: TheEnd of November ---
“You’reseriously not going to tell me?” Jordan asks for the hundredth time as we sit in English class.
“I’m not!You’ll just have to wait and see,” I say.He is like a child! He can’t wait for anything.
“Just give me a hint,”he pleads.
“If I remembercorrectlyyou didn’t give me any hints.”
“Yes, but you’re amuchbetter person than I am,” he responds.
“I won’t argue with that.But you’re still going to have to wait.”
“You know I’m impatient!”
“Well, next time don’t be so secretiveand maybe I’ll be nicer.”
What Jordan wants to know is what I have planned for my version of our ‘epic’ date night.Jordan went out of his way for me and I figured I should return thefavourand show hima night of fun too. Both of us have beenridiculouslybusy with school, and he has been working so hard, I thought it would be nice to have a break. Both of us just handed in our final assignments this morning, so it’s also a bit of a celebration. And, this allows me to clean up mymess after I screwed up royally. It’s been almost a week since we had that ‘maybe we’re going too fast’ conversation. We did slow down a bit this week, mainly because both of us had a lot of work to do. We still did get together, we hadsex, he stayed over afewnights. So overall it feels like nothing has changed. Yet, at the same time, it does feel like something has changed. Jordan seems a bit, and when I say a bit, I mean just a touch more guarded.
I havea theory why that may be the case. I may have confused him with that conversation. Maybe he’s now wondering what’s too fast, and what’s too slow. It doesn’t help I’ve been sending mix signals. I say we should go slow, but then I invite him over. I ask him to stay the night. I flirt and initiate sex (though, to be fair Jordan is a bigger flirt and also tries to get me in the mood). Then I invite him on an epic date night. He probably thinks I’m crazy.
The truth is, after thinking about it more (I should have done this before, clearly),I realized I don't really want to slow down too much. I really like being with him. Why should I deny myself that pleasure? This past week has been so stressful. But when we are together that stress goes away. So why stay apart? Yes, we need to be careful to keep our emotions in check. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have fun.
That leads us to tonight’s epic date night. It sounded like a fantastic idea at first. But then I realized maybe this wasn’t a good idea.Not because I think it’s too fast, butbecause I honestly couldn’t think of what to do! Jordan planned such a perfect night. I kept trying to think of ways to upstage him. Not that it’s a competition (it totally is a competition). I just want to make sure I give him a night he deserves. And I also can’t let him win.
I spent hours and hours and hours thinking. I even solicited advice from Jenn. Even though she calls herself a romantic, she wasn’t that helpful! You would think she would have some good ideas after watching all those stupid romcoms. But nope. Eventually, I came up with a plan. I think it’s pretty good. I hope he likes it too!
*** JORDAN ***
Call it Epic Date Night Version 2.0: The Noah Edition.
I’ve asked him several times what he has planned for tonight, but he won’t tell me. He says it’s a surprise, but I knowthe real reason. He totally is trying to upstage me. To that I say, bring it on dude! He’s got nothing on me.
The past week has been an interesting one with Noah. After we had that conversation about the pace of our relationship, we had sex twice the next day. I just had this fire inside of me that I could not control.For the first time in our relationship everything was crystal clear. I’ve known I care deeply about Noah for some time now. But in that moment, it was beyond obvious just how much I care.While coming to that realization has been great, it’s also posed challenges. It’sclearthatfor the first time in our relationship,we’re not on the same page. I want more. But Noah clearly doesn’t.He’ll get there eventually.And I have to respect that. I promised him I would.
And, so far,I have been. I did try to temper my lust a little bit. I tried to give him space. But then Noah invited me over. And then Noah wanted to have sex. And then Noah planned an epic date night. Confusing? Yes. But I understand. This is also difficult for him.He’s also trying to navigate this complex field of emotions.So, I’m trying my best to be just as supportive as I can be. I’m going to act like I normally do. I won’t change anything, but I will be more mindful of the language I use. I won’t use the ‘L’ word again in front of him. I think that is what really freaked him out.
Now, I may have wanted to avoid thelovetopic, but Jenn clearly did not get the memo. We had lunch together in-between classes on Wednesday. It was actually my idea! I thought it would be good for all of us to bond, take a break from studying. I thought it might be a bit awkward still, but it wasn't. Jenn has clearly moved on. She genuinely seems happy forus. But of course, she hadto teaseNoahand me about our relationship. She didit all in good fun. At one point she said it looks as if we arehopelesslyin love. My mind went straight back to the conversation I had with Noah. I am pretty sure his did too. I just made a lame joke that we bothlovehating her. Then the moment passed. And we never spoke about it again.
Speaking of Noah, here he is. He shows up at my dorm room promptly at 6:00 o’clock, complete with a box of fancy Swiss chocolates, and flowers.
“I saw these andthoughtthey’re pretty, just like you,” he says handing over a bouquet.
“They’re lovely, thank you.”
“Do you have a vase to throw themin?” he asks before we leave.
I raise an eyebrow. “Does it look like I’m the kind of person that owns a vase? Seriously, Noah.What are you thinking!?”
“That’s a good point. We can buy one from the dollar store later.”
“A better boyfriend planning an epic date night would have known to buy one before coming over.Just saying!”
“Ouch. Someone is a bitjudgeytonight,” Noah responds.
“Hey, I was promised an epic night. I havehigh standards!” I say laughing.
“Noted.Now let's go. I have a lot of secretive things planned for tonight!”
Our first stop is dinner. We head to this trendy new Thai place. It's not a romantic dinner by the lake likethat date Iplanned, but it’s still nice. Though to be fair, I’ve heard getting a table here is extremely difficult. So, props to Noah on that one. And the food is absolutely delicious. I can see why this place is so popular!
“Alright, Noah, I’llgiveyou points for scoring that reservation,” I say as we head out, “but the real question is what do you have planned for after dinner.”
“Don’t you worry,”hesaystome. “I have some tricks up my sleeve.”
“Then lead the way.”
We hop ontothe subway and head into the heart of downtown. Even though we’re still a month away from Christmas,some of the lights and decorations have started to go up. I really do love being in the city at this time of year. It really is magical.
One thing though does take away from the moment.All around us you can see couplestogether.A guy and girl, on a datein the citymaybe. Just like us.Not that I like public displays of affection, some couples go overboard, but it sucks thatthe world doesn’t know we’re together.I can’t be that close to Noah. I can’t hold his hand. Or make a small gesture. One day. I hope.
“We’re here,” he says when we’re outsideone of the city’s main sports arenas.
“You didn’t.” I really hope he didn’t.
“Noah! Why? Tickets are so expensive.” He got tickets to an NBA game.They are not cheap.
“It wasn’t too bad. I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows another guy, who was able to get cheap discounted corporate tickets. It wasn’t that much. I promise. Don’t worry.”
“You really shouldn’t have,” I say.This is too much.
“I wanted to. I’ve never been to a game, and I know you haven’t either. And I know you like this stuff. So, I thought it would be something we could do together for the first time. Nowlet’sgo before we’re late!”
The game is absolutely amazing. I have a blast. Sure, our seats are all the way at the top, but that doesn’t matter. Noah cheers like a crazy person! I didn’t realize he could be so loud! I honestly have to refrain myself from telling him just how much this gesture means to me. My words may freak him out again. So, I don’t. Though, I’m going to have to find a way to payhimback. Even with a discount, these tickets are not cheap!
“Alright, I may have to admit defeat, I think your date beats mine,” I say as we leave.
“Who said it was a competition?” Noah tries to ask innocently. He’s not fooling anyone.
“Of courseitisn’t,” I say.
“And who says I’m done?”
Fuck, I love it when he smiles like that.
We start to head back to his place. I assume his final act is a sexual adventure in bed.He says we’ll get to that in a moment. But first he has another surprise for me.Though, it will just take a bit of time.He tells me to watch television in the bedroom while he prepares. I’mnot allowed to come out; I’mbarred from the kitchen.It’s obvious he is making something.Whatever it is,it smells delicious!
*** NOAH ***
I think tonight is going well. I’m totally winning ‘epic’ date night.It wasn’t even really a competition. Yes, those basketball tickets were pricey. But I’ve been tutoring on the side to make a bit of extra cash. And if I can’t spend it on my boyfriend, then who else am I going to spend it on? Jenn? HA!I actually do spend money on her. I’m not cheap when giving gifts.
Now comes what could be the trickiest part of the night. I’m making dessert! Some people online make it seem like it’s the most difficult dessert to make in the world, while others say it’s pretty easy. I have no idea, because I’ve never made it before. I know anything I make with chocolate Jordan will love. But I’m not going for just anything. I’m going to super special.
“Alright, you can come out now,” I say when I’m done.
“Smellsdelicious. What did you make?”
“Well,for a special guy on a special night Imadechocolate soufflé! Voila!”
Seeing his smile makes the effort totally worth it.
“You remembered? I told you this like months ago, even before we started dating.”
A couple of months ago, Jordan mentioned thatwhen he was a kidon special occasions his momwouldmakechocolate soufflé.He always looked forward to those days. Though, again, looking at his waist, it seems like he never ate dessert, just smelled it! God, I hate him and his fast metabolism sometimes.
“What can I say, I’m totally winning boyfriend of the year.”
“That you are. It looks and smells amazing!”
“I never made it before so I hope it’s okay.”
From his facial expression, I think it’s more than okay.
“Fuck, Noah, this is amazing!”
“You don’t have to say that if you don’t like it.” Though, it’s pretty good, if I say so myself.
“No, I love it!” And then hisfacialexpression changes. “I mean, um, I’m sorry, it’s amazing.”
I start to laugh.“It’s okay, Jordan. You’re allowed to say you love the food I cook. I’m not thatuptight.”
“Good, because I really do. And don’t ever tell my mom this, but it’s even better than the way she makes it!”
“Thank you. Your secret is safe with me.”
“No,thank you. This is amazing.Tonightreally has been epic.”
“Well, it’s not over yet, cowboy,” I say taking him into the bedroom. He just got his treat. Nowit’s my turnto get mine.
I’m surprised I’m here. Yes, there are risks. He is here too. But I don't care. I’m not going to let Sebastian stop me. This is where I should be. I’m here for Jordan. It helps I’m not alone. Jenn is here too. I’m not that courageous!
Jordan had his final volleyball game of the season tonight. Much to his relief, and the team’s, they won! A big reason was Jordan. He wasmagnificent. I was so proud to watch him play and cheer him on. Their win called for a celebration. A bunch of people decided to go to a bar. Jordan assumed I would go home. He figured I wouldn’t want to be in a small space withSebastian. He was right, I didn’t. At first, I thought it was best to go home. But then I started to reconsider. Why should I go home? Why should I be alone? Why shouldn’t I be there for my boyfriend? I’ve been out with the team before. Why should this time be any different? Andso,I decided to go. Jordan was thrilled.
It helps this really isn’t a team event. It’s morphed into an end-of-year party. Jordan called Caleb and John (John was busy and couldn’t come). I invited Jenn. I’m glad she is here. It helps having her support. Though, now I’m starting to wonder if I made the right call. I hadn’t realized that Jenn hasn’t actually seen Sebastian ever sincethat awful night. And, not surprisingly, she still hates him. She is the type of person to pick a fight, or make a scene. But she promises me she won’t say anything,she’ll onlycurse under her breath.
As for Sebastian, for the most part I don’t see him. It’s not that I’m trying to avoid him. This bar is big. There are a lot of people here. And maybe he is avoiding me. Good. I hope he is uncomfortable because he knows he’s an ass. But my luck does run out eventually. All of a sudden, I realize he is practically beside me. It seems like he is about to say something. But he doesn’t get the chance. Jenn notices too and steps between us to create a barrier. She then starts to talk and laugh loudly, while we blend into the crowd. That was too close for comfort. Luckily, he stays away the rest of the night. Though before I leave, with Jordan and Jenn, I notice him standing not too far from the door. He has what can only be described as an annoyingly smug look on his face.
*** JORDAN ***
Three, two, one. Freedom!
Oh, how I've been longing for this moment since, well, September. My last class of the fall just wrapped up. I shouldn’t be too happy. Exams start on Monday! But that’s future Jordan’s problem. For now, I just want to enjoy. It seems fitting the year ends with Noah. We just had our final Friday English class. I didn't really want to come today; we spent most of the class reviewing books from the year. But this was the last time I’ll ever have class with Noah. And this is where it all started, so I wanted to be here. I’m a bit sentimental at times!
Another bonus of coming to class, we got our participation marks. Much to my surprise, and delight, I got a better mark than Noah! It makes absolutely no sense. I rarely spoke in class,and was a bit of a disturbing force, while Noah often offered valuable insight, and was a great student!
“Now who's the nerd,” Noah saysas we walk out of class. “Looks like you are clearly the prof’sfavourite.”
“Ihonestlythought he hated me.”
“Well, clearly he doesn't. You may make fun of me all you want,but it looks like it's your pants the prof wants to get into.”
“Oh, don't be the jealous type. I just earned it that's all. I'm a good student!”I can’t say that sentence with a straight face.
He just glares at me.“Really?”
“Fine, even I don't believe that! I’m going to miss all of this, having class with you.”
“So will I.”
Over the past week, since our ‘epic’ date, Noah has continued to surprise me. Given that he wanted to take things slow, I assumed he would not come to my final volleyball game of the season. But I was wrong. Not only did he come and cheer for the team, he also came out after for drinks. That totally surprised me. I honestly assumed he would go home. Being in the stands with Sebastian on the court is one thing, but being in the same bar? I didn’t think he would come. The other part that surprised me was that Noah didn’t just hang out with Jenn. I figured since I was with my team, and he isn’t good in crowds, he would stay withher.But nope. He spoke to a bunch of my teammates, he hung out with Liam. It helps they met each other recently at the gym. Overall, I was super impressed with Noah.
“So, I'll see you tonight?” I say to Noah as we’re about to partways. To celebrate the end of the school year,Noah, Jenn andIare grabbing a bite to eat and one drink. Nothing too fancy since we all have to study!
“I'll see you tonight,” he confirms. “Do you want me to bring the book you forgot at my place?”
“That's fine, I'll come over and grab it after.”
“Okay. But you have to leave Saturday morning,”he says.
“Wait, who said I was going to spend the night?”I ask all serious.
“Okay, then don't. Doesn’t matter to me.”
“You have a dirty little mind, Noah Watson.”
“Please, you have a dirtier mind and I know you were thinking the same thing. Plus, I know how you think,which is why you have to leave Saturday morning. We can't have a repeat of last weekend.”
Oh, I remember last weekend.After that epic date night, we spent a lot of time in bed. It was a good weekend.
“Well, that was your fault, you were all over me and if I remember correctly you weren't complaining last weekend when I had you bent over—”
He cuts me off.“Yeah, yeah. Well,enjoytonight because this is your last chance for a while.”
Say what now?“What do you mean last chance for a while?” I don’t like the sound of that.
“Oh, I'm cutting you off. No more until after exams are done. I have to focus and I can't think about anything else. Once we're doneexams thenwe'll resume.”
I start to laugh. “Good one.You're joking right?” He's joking. He has to be joking.
“I'm dead serious.”
Yeah, he’s not joking.“But you'll need to take breaks!” I insist.
“I will. Just notthatkind.”
“You won't last without me,”I sayconfidently.
“We'll see, won't we? Alright, now stop distracting me. I'll see you tonight!”
Yeah, thiswholeno-sex thing is so not going to last. My exams are done within a week and a half. Noah's in two weeks. There is no way we are waiting two weeks. He's bluffing.
*** NOAH ***
I'll admit it, I was the first to crack. I’d like to say I lasted a while, at least a week. Nope. I cracked relatively quickly. After Jordan left on Saturday, I spent the entire weekend in my apartment studying. Jordan’s first exam was on Monday, mine was the next day. I was super stressed going into that exam. It was by far my hardest course, and I knew the exam was going to be extremely tough. And it was. It was so difficult. But I felt like I did well. I was so relieved. I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to relieve some of that stress. Plus, I missed Jordan. I wanted to see him again, so I called him over last night. I didn't plan on sleeping with him, but itsortof, kind of happened. Jordan insists I was being extremely flirtatious. Yes, I may have been touching his arm and his leg a bit more than usual. Yes, I was the one who started to kiss him. Yes, I was the one who practically ripped off his shirt. But it’s not like he wasn’t a willing participant. He didn't try to stop me at any point in time. He thinks I lost. But I think we should call it a tie. And I’m sticking with that opinion.
I never knew I would become so addicted to Jordan. It's funny how I was the one who thought we should wait to have sex. I was hesitant because I didn't know what to expect. Sure, I've seen a lot of gay porn on the net but physically doing it yourself is awholedifferent thing. I was scared I wouldn't like it. I was scared shitless it would hurt, and at first it did. I was also scared of letting someone get close to me; of gettingemotionallyhurt. But each time we have sex I feel a bit more at ease and adventurous. While it hurt like hell at first, now it feels fantastic. I feel so weird when he pulls out, like I am missing something from inside of me.
The sex is one thing, the intimacy is another. I like being in his arms. I like it when he holds me. Sometimes the best moments are once we are done and just lying in bed, his arms around me, in silence. I feel safe; wanted; protected. It really is this blissful feeling I can't explain. It's not that I'm scared when I am on my own, or I don't feel wanted. It's just the proximity of his body against mine that puts my heart at ease.
The other gift that Jordan has given me, which he probably doesn’t realize, is that he’s allowed me to get comfortable with my own body. I won't say I have an image issue, but I know I am not the sexiest man alive. I know I don't have muscles or abs like Jordan. I'm thin. I'm not like those guys in porn or at the gym. I've always been sort of ashamed of that, like I wasn't good enough for another man because of how I looked. I know that stopped me fromdatingin the past. But when I’m naked in front of Jordan, I don't have that same insecurity. He looks at me with lust in his eyes and not disgust. And that’s allowed me to feel better in my own skin.
Okay, I can’t stay in bed forever. I have to get up and do some work. Jordan is still fast asleep. He told me not to wake him up until at least noon. Even though we went to bed late, I got up early this morning. So, I might as well study! Plus, Jenn is coming over any minute now, so I need to get out of bed. Barely do I have enough time to brush my teeth and eat breakfast when I hear a knock on the door.
“Hey, Jenn,” I say as Ilet her in.
“Oh my God, I hate studying! Kill me!” she yells as she trudges inside.
“Shhh, notso loud. Jordan is still sleeping.”
The ensuing smile she gives is the reason why I strongly considered telling her not to come over today. We made plans yesterday to study together at my place. At that time, I wasn’t planning that Jordan would stay the night.So,I was going to cancel. But then I figured what’s the big deal? Jenn knows I’m sleeping with Jordan. She knows he stays over. So, there really isn’t anything to hide. I told Jordan last night before we went to bed that Jenn was coming over. He didn’t care either.
“Ah, someone got lucky last night,” she says.
“Yeah, yeah, we should study. I was actually going over some of my notes …” Idesperatelywant to focus on anything but my sex life. And for a while it works. We actually get some work done. But then Jenn remembers she can’t go an hour without making an inappropriate remark.
“So,things seem like they’re going well with Jordan,” she says.
“They are.” I can’t help but smile.
“Oh, I can tell just by how much difficulty you’re having walking,” she says with a laugh. She then does a crude hand gesture to insinuateJordan and I had sex.
I throw a pillow at her. “Get your head out of the gutter.”
“I see you didn’t deny what I just said.”
“Neither did I confirm anything,” I say.
“Oh, stop being such aprude. Jordan fucks you, you like it, whatever!”
“Why do you assume that’s the way it is, and not the other way around?” She is totally right.Even though we’ve been havingsexnow for weeks, Jordan is always on top. I don’t mind. I actually like being fucked.
“I don’t know, you just totally come across as a bottom.”
“And why is that?” I ask.
“You just do. Jordan is more, you know, masculine, and like, manly, and so …”
“And so, what? Masculine guys don’t get fucked?” I’m not actually angry, just giving her a hard time.
“No, I’m sure they do, but like, I don’t know. I just, whatever. It seems like you’re the guy who receives in the relationship.Thereis nothing wrong with that!”
“I never said there is,” I respond.
“I don’t know. In a straight relationship it’s obvious who does what in the bedroom, but for gay couples it isn’t, and sometimes I’m just curious, even though I know it’s none of my business.”
“It is none of your business. But how do you knowthatwithstraight couples the girl isn’t pegging the guy?” I ask.
“True. That’s always possible.”
“I’ll say this much … when I’m with Jordan … I don’t know how to explain it but … when we’re together, no matter what position we take, I always feel like we’re equal. That’s not to say there is inequality in hetero couples. But when I was with Stacey the dynamics were different. Every couple is different. But just because someone is the top, doesn’t mean they’re the dominant one. There are dominant bottoms too. But anything Jordan can do to me, I can do to him. There is no difference between us when we’re in bed ...” I trail off when I see Jordan standing in the corner with a huge grin on his face.
“Please, continue I’m rather enjoying this conversation.”
How long has he been listening?
*** JORDAN ***
I knew he would crack first. I'm just that irresistible. But just to be safe, I had a plan. I knew I would have to flirt and turn on the charm. In the end though, I didn’t need any of that. He was the one to call me. He touched me. He kissed me. He ripped off my shirt. Did I stop him? No. Did I kind of encourage him? Yes. He thinks it’s a tie. It is so not a tie. He caved and I’ll hold that over his head for as long as I can.
And speaking of sex, it looks like I woke up at an interesting time. I can hear Jenn and Noah outside talking about gay sex! Noah is challenging Jenn on why she thinks he is the bottom in the relationship. It’s true sometimes when I see a gay couple, I assume I know who is the top and who is the bottom, even though I don’t know anything about them. I usually make thatjudgmentbased on how they look or how they act. But looksand gesturescan be deceiving. They don’t tell you what’s going on insidethe bedroom.
I quietly make my way out ofNoah’sbedroom. They are so engrossed in their conversation neither realizes I’m also in the room. I’m listening to Noah talk about equality in the bedroom. He makes a valid point. There are no restrictions in the bedroom. He can do to me, what I can do to him. But so far, I haven’t let him do to me, what I’ve done for him.
“There is no difference between us when we’re in bed …”And then he sees me!
“Please, continue I’m rather enjoying this conversation,” I say.
Noah just sits there, mouth wide open.
“Oh, I was just being nosey likeusual and asking inappropriate questions,” Jenn says.
“Oh, I know. I could hear you inside the bedroom. You’re not the softest speaker,” I say with a laugh.
“Sorry, I wasn’t actually trying to get information onwhat you guys do in private.I was just bugging Noah,” she says.
“But now I’m curious. Do you think that if you’re a bottom you’re automatically the submissive one?Or less manly, more feminine?”Jenn asks me.
“No, I don’t. But I think that feeling is out there. I think people feel that, excuse my language, theguy who gets fucked is gayer than the top. Any guy who is taking a dick up his ass is obviously gay. Straight guys don’t do that. But if you’re the top it’s not as gay, because you’re just putting it in a hole. Now, I think that’s crap. I think any guy who fucks another guy is gay, or at least bisexual. I don’t think there is a difference between the two roles. But some people do.Ithink it takes a strong man to bottom.”
“Iagree,”shesays.“I don’t think anyone’s manhood should be judged by what they prefer in the sack.”
“You’re very wise for your age,” I say to Jenn.
“It’s a gift.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’rebothamazing,” Noah cuts in. “We really need to focus! All three of us have exams tomorrow!” I can tell Noah really wants this conversation to end.
I let them study while Itake a quick shower. It’s interesting the conversation we just had. I’ve thought about it before. It’s not why I haven’t bottomed yet. I don’t think it will make me less of a man. Or that Noah is less of a man because he bottoms. I liked what he said about equality. I do feel like we are equal when we are in bed. The dynamic is different with him. I tell myself I’ve refrained from bottoming because I think it will hurt. But that’s not entirely true. Even though I know I’m gay,getting fucked is sort of the last barrier to fully accepting who I am. As for the pain, there are ways to mitigate that.Maybe it’s time I start to explore the other side of gay sex.
The rest of the afternoon the three of us devote to studying. We largely behave. But Jenn is just as fidgety as me. She has to move, get up, eat, say something, at least once every hour, if not sooner. I’m the same. I can’t just sitinone spot for too long! I can tellthisirritates Noah. But he doesn’t say anything. He is outnumbered! We have a bunch of random conversations, but sex doesn’t come up again. I think we’ve exhausted that topic for now.
When we’re finally alone, snuggled up in bed later that night, Noah’s back pressed against my bare chest, him wrapped tightly in my arms, I bring up the topic again.
“You know I don't think you’re any less of a man for being the bottom,” I say.
“I know,” he says.
“I like what you said about equality in bed. I feel the same way too. And one day, soon, I want to try having you inside of me.”
“Whenever you’re ready.No pressure. You know where to find me.”
“That I do.”
*** NOAH ***
I’ve come to a realization. I need to study on my own. Jordan and Jenn are bothwaytoo distracting! The two just don’t let me study in peace. Last time I tried to study with Jenn we got into thatwholesex conversation.While it was interesting, it was also unnecessary in that moment! So, from now on, I’m going to study at the library. No one can bother me here, ask me pesky questions,or try to seduce me.
As for my exams, sofar,they’re going okay. I had my third this morning. Jordan had his forth.Lucky guy only has one more to go! I’m so jealous.As for the seducer-in-chief, right now, he is at the gym for volleyball practice. It’s not mandatory training. His coach organized a session for anyone who wanted to come, play for a bit, relieve some stress. Jordan said he was going to go for a bit, and then hang out with his friends. His final exam isn’t until a few days, so he isn’t too worried.
Enough about him. Time to study. I find my usual secluded spot on the eighth floor. At this time of year, the library is jam packed, but this part is always empty. Most people don't even know it's here. The stacks are set up in a weird way that they actually block off this area. So, unless you come back here to get a book, you would never know it even exists. Most people just keep walkby thinking there are only rows of books.
Okay, focus Noah. I need to study.
Then I hear his voice. I recognize it instantaneously.
Instantly, I feel a chill down my spine. Sebastian is standingright behind me.
At once, my heart starts racing, my throat goes dry. What the hell is he doing here? Shouldn’t he also be at volleyball practice? Calm down, Noah. Breathe. Just ignore him. He’ll eventually leave. I know I’m safe here. Even though this area is secluded, we are in a public space. He won’tdo anything stupid. I hopenot.
“How are you doing?” he asks as he sits down beside me. I can see him from the corner of my eye. I’m still keeping my head down, trying to read. Though, I’m not having much luck.
“You’re not going to respond?”
Nope. I’m keeping my head down. Just going to pretend he is not here.
“I see you’re still angry. I get that.”
If youtruly getthat then why are you here! Go away!
“I was just walking by and saw you,soIthought I would say hi, see how you’re doing.Ithought maybe, you know, enough time had passed that …”
No amount of time is enough time.
“I guess not. It’s been good seeing you at my volleyball games. I was surprised to see you there. But then I realized you were there for Jordan. You know at first when I saw you two hanging out, I thought, wow he is still chasing after a fantasy. But it seems like you two have beenspending a lot of time together. You also came toourafter party and I realized, maybe there is more to it. Maybe you got what you wanted after all. Maybe Jordan is gay.”
Fuck. Don’t react. He doesn’t know anything. Clearly, this is a phishing expedition. If I react, he will get his confirmation. I just keep my head down and pretendtoread.
“The more I thought about it, the more I wasconvinced he was gay,” Sebastian continues.“But then I ran into Kate. You must know Kate. She is Jordan’s ex-girlfriend. We met a few times while they were dating. Nice girl.I thought they were really good together. She mentioned something about them being at the movies together, and even just now they went on a coffee date. So, I guess maybe they decided to get back together. Good for them.”
Fuck, he is an ass. This is all total bullshit. He is trying to get under my skin. But why? I know Jordan and Kate were not at the movies together. I was there when Jordan saw Kate. But how does Sebastian even know that? I really wish he would focus on something or someone else for a change and leave me alone.
“You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this. It’s because despite what happened, I still care about you.”
I can’t help but snicker.
“It’s true, Noah, I really do care about you,” he says.
He then does something which forces me to respond. He places his hand on mine. I quickly yank it away.
“Don’t you dare fucking ever touch me again. I don’t know what you want, but I don’t care. Leave me the hell alone.”
“Easy, Noah, no need to be hostile. I’m sorry. I won’t touch you again. Look, about what happened before between us, I didn't mean to rush you. I honestly was just trying to help you. I thought if I gave you a bit of a push it would help you open up. You were in a rut and you needed encouragement. I know I would have really liked it if someone had pushed me a bit when I was coming out. But perhaps I wasa bit too rough with you. But I do care for you.”
Notice how he didn’t actually apologize? Ass. He did a lot more than just give me a bit of a push.He doesn’t even mention his awful comments.
“All I need for you is to leave me alone,” I say.
But he doesn’t leave. He just sits there. I think it’s best that I leave then. I start to gather my things.
“I know you probably don’t believe me,” Sebastian says, “but ask Jordan. Call him right now and see where he is. I don’t want you to be living in some delusional fantasy. I saw how happyyou were the other week when you were with Jordan. Clearly, you still have very strong feelings for him. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
As I throw my bag over my shoulder I look directly at Sebastian. “I don’t need you to look out for me. I’m fine on my own. All I need is for you to leave me alone.If you see me at the library, or at school, or at a game, just ignore me. Don’t talk to me.We’re done Sebastian.”
And with that I walk off.
I honestly don’t know why he just won’t leave me alone. Or the point of that conversation. I thought he was trying to see if Jordan is gay. But then he implies Jordan is straight, and dating Kate. Why tell me any of that? He doesn’t know Jordan and I are in a relationship, though he may suspect that’s the case. All he has confirmed is that we’re friends. So, why does it even matter to him? He says it’s because he still cares about me. Bull shit. That’s a load of crap. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Clearly, he wants something. But what? To get back together? We broke things off so long ago. Why now? Sebastian could be with any other guy. Why still fixate on me? Maybe it’s because he’s competitive and jealous that I’m still ‘friends’ with Jordan? I don’t know. In the end, what does Sebastian even gain from telling me all of that? Nothing.
As for what he said about Kate, I know he’s lying. There is no way Jordan is dating her again. No way.Sebastianwould have a better chance at convincing me Jordan is cheating on me with any other guy or girl besides Kate. I’m not going to call Jordan to check where he is. I trust him enough to know he would never ditch me for her.
I just need to forget about this encounter. I need to put this crap aside and do some work.That's much easier said than done.
I should have been studying. I should have been focused on my exams. Instead, all afternoon I kept thinking about stupid Sebastian. I thought about calling Jordan to tell him what happened. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I don’t need to check up on my boyfriend. He said he was going to volleyball, and then was going to hang out with his friends. I trust that is exactly what he did.Besides, we’ll get a chance to talk in a moment. I just buzzed him into my apartment.
“How was your day?” I ask as he takes off his coat.
“Good. Volleyball practice was great. It was nice to be back on the court. A lot of guys showed up,” he says. “But there is something Iactuallyneed to talk to you about.”
Weird. What does he have to talk about?Did Sebastian say something to him too?
“Ah, there’s actually something I need to talk to you about as well,” I say.“But do you want to eat first?” He did just get in the door.
“We can wait.You gofirst.”
It must be serious if he wants to talk right away.“Sure. How about we sit down.”
He arches his eyebrow. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes, everything is fine,” I say as I sit on the couch. “Don’t worry.”
“What’s up?” he asks as he sits beside me.
“Promise me first you won’t get angry.”
“Why would I be angry?” he asks. “Did you do something that will make me angry?”
“No, no, I didn’t. Someone else did.”
“Okay. How about you just tell me what happened and we’ll go from there.”
“Okay.Today while I was studying in the library, um, Sebastian showed up out of nowhere.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, that guy just doesn’t get a hint. What did he want? He didn’t hurt you, did he? Or say something stupid? If he did, I will break his face—”
“No, no,” I say placing my hand on Jordan’s arm. “I’m fine.I think he wasjust um … justtrying to mess with my head.”
“What do you mean? What did he say?”
“He made it seem like he randomly bumped into me at the library, but I know that’s now true.Atfirst,I tried to ignore him. But he kept talking.He commented on how I’m still hanging out with you.Andthenhe suggested that maybe you’re gay.”
Jordan's eyes go wide.“He what?”I sense a lot of panic in his voice.“Howdoes heknow?”
I squeeze Jordan’s arm. “He doesn’t know anything. He was just phishing for information. He saw us hanging out so just threw it out there.”
“If he tells people on the team …”
“He won’t, because you can out him too. Besides, no one willbelieve him. You've had girlfriends. No one knows about usand he has no proof.”
“Was he threatening to out us?”
“No, it wasn’t a threat,” I say.
“Okay … so then what did he want? What does he gain by telling you that he thinks I’m possibly gay?Isn’t that what you would want to hear?”
“I think itwassome weird sort of twisted way to get to you by going after me.”
“I don’t follow.” He looks so confused.
“He knows we're friends. That much is obvious. Sebastian blames our breakup on you. He feels I didn't sleep with him because I had feelings for you. Which is true.So,he lost me to you in a way. Then he saw us together at volleyball and that probably pissed him off. You know how competitive he is. Plus, he probably hates you even more after your fight. Maybe because he couldn't haveme,he doesn't want you to either? I know that sounds conceited. I'm not sure why he would go through all this trouble to end, what he thinks, is our friendship.”
“Butthat doesn’t make sense,how does he ruin our friendship by telling you he thinks I’m gay?”
“Well, it was more what he said after.”
That same angry look creeps onto Jordan's face. “What did he say after?”
“He implied that you’re still dating Kate. He made up some story that you saw her at the movies, and that you went out for coffee with her today, when I know you were at volleyball practice. He told me to call you to check on you. I knew I didn’t need to. I trust you. I know you would never go back to her. I know heisa hundred per centlying.”
Jordan closes his eyes and lowers his head. He sighs.“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.Sebastian isn't entirely lying.”
I’m sorry, say what now?What the hell is Jordan talking about?
*** JORDAN ***
I was going to tell Noah. I didn’t do anything, so have nothing to hide. I was just waiting fortonight.I didn’t think Sebastian would beat me to it. Fuck, I hate him.
“I'm not dating Kate. I did see her at the movies, we both did that night. As you know, nothing happened. I didn’t think anything of it. But turns out after that she tried to get in touch. I blocked her number, deleted her off of all of my social media accounts, so I didn’t notice she had sent me a message. Honestly, I had no idea until I checked my email today. And there was a message in my spam folder.
“Because I didn’t respond, she decided to show up at the end of volleyball practice today.Our schedule is posted online, and that’s how she found out where she could find me.I had gone to shower and change, and when I came back outside, she was talking to Sebastian.Thetwo met while we were dating.She’sprobably the one who told him about the movies.Anyway, she asked if we could go grab coffee. I didn’t want to talk to her in front of Sebastian or the team, so I just walked with her until we were outside the gym.We didn’t go on a date.
“Once we were outside, I asked her why she was there. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend, the guy she dumped me for, because he was cheating on her. Karma, right? And then she told me how she should never have broken up with me. She told me how she missed me, how she was wrong to let me go. She told me to think about it and get back to her. But I didn't need to think about it. I knew my answer. I told her right there and then that I don't want to be with her, that I’ve moved on. She tried to convince me, but I told her we’re done, and thereis no point.And then I left. I was going to tell you all of this tonight, I swear. I’m sorry. I hope you’re not angry.”
“Why in the world would I be angry?” Noah asks. “You didn’t do anything wrong. If someone from your past shows up and you talk to them that’s okay. It’s not like you actually went on a date. You did the right thing by leaving the gym. I trust you when you say you were going to tell me tonight. You had no way to know Sebastian would tell me first. I guess that’s why he thought the twoof you went off together.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“He really went out of his way to find me and tell me,” Noah says. “He didn’t even wait like a minute!He went on thiswholething about how that night at his apartment, he was just trying to help me, to push me a bit to open up more, and that he still cares for me.Such bullshit.He didn’t actually apologize!Ijustthink he's trying to create a wedge between us.”
“I'm going to kill that fucking bastard.” How I hate him. “Does he nothave anything better to do?”
“Calm down.It’s okay.He's not worth it. We know his plan now so it doesn't matter.”
“How can anyone be that manipulative?”
“I don't know.”
“It seems like the world is against us,”I say. Itreallydoesfeel that wayat times.
“Screw the world. We have each other. That's all that matters.Enough about him. Are you hungry? I made dinner.”
Noah’s right; screw the world. Screw what people think. Screw hesitation. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and preparing too. So, why am I still waiting? What am I waiting for? I have the best boyfriend in the world. I trust himwhole-heartedly.
“Actually, I was thinking we skip dinner, and go straight to dessert.”
“You’re always horny!” he says with a smile.
“That I am. But tonight, I was thinking we change things up a bit. I want you to fuck me.”
He looks shocked for a moment. Then he smiles. “You don't have to prove anything to me.Whenever you're ready. Besides there is some prep work involved.”
“I’m not trying to prove anything. This is about me. I've connected with you in the most intimate way that I can think of. I've been inside of you. I know that sounds all romantic and all, but it's true. And now I want you inside of me. I’m honestly ready. I’ve been actually preparing myself for a few days now. Don’t worry. I can do this.” I then tell him about some of thosepreparations.
“You sure?” Noah asks again.
His fingers are cold. I shudder as he presses them against my hole. I can do this. I'm ready. I know I am. He seems to enjoy it so much when I fuck him. I should be able to handle this as well. But it looks so painful. His dick isn't huge, but it isn't small either. Not sure I can take itall.Though, I have been practicing. So, I should be okay. For him I will try.
“Relax your muscles,”Noah says to me in a calm voice.
“I'm trying …”
We made out for a while so I could get comfortable. It made me hard and very horny. Noah also gave me another fantasticblowjobwhich really helped me get into the mood. Now I'm on my hands and knees, face firmly in the blanket (I don't want him to see my face if this hurts), ass in the air. He is positioned behind me, feeling my ass. I've closed my eyes. Not sure why, but I thought that would help.At the moment his lubed-up finger is just circling my hole.
“Okay buddy, here I go …” he says.
He places the tip of his finger at the edge and pushes it in. My ass tries to fend off the foreign invasion, but he's persuasive and I give in. He slowly slides it in up to his knuckle and then waits. SHIT! Thisstillburns!
“Does it burn?”he asks.
“Uh, no.” Not sure why I lie. Trying to actstrongin front of my man!
He continues to slide in and eventually his entire finger is inside. Holy shit this burns. Why does this burn so much? My teeth are clenched so hard I feel like they're going to break. Why did I agree to this? I must really like this guy to do this! After about ten seconds or so, he takes his finger out. Oh, thank God. That feels much better. My hole closes up like nothingwasever inside of it. That feels good. Oh wait ... there he goes again. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! I don’t think I prepared enough.
“You okay?”Noah asks.
“I can hear you grinding your teeth.”
Oh. Stop that. Okay it’s starting to burn a little less. It doesn't hurt that bad ... wait it does, there are two fingers now inside of me! He pushes them in slowly but damn does it hurt! He stops when he gets to his knuckles. Oh breathe. Relax. Don't be so tense. It will only hurt more. Relax. Exhale. Okay, so that's two fingers in now. I can handle this. Guys get fucked. It's no big deal. Shit, three fingers! I bite down on my lip. I must say Noah is very good at this. He's very slow and very gentle. He's using lots of lube which helps. I'm not sure which is worse, the burning or the pain. It comes down to which is the lesser of two evils. He leaves his fingers in there for a few seconds. He then takes out all three and puts two back in. Two don't seem as bad as three now. He starts to move them around sort of like in a circle. He starts pressing against the sides ... and ... oh ... shit ... that felt kind of good. Painful ... yet good.
“Okay buddy ... you ready?”
“I guess so,”I say.“What's the least painful way to take it?”
“Um, I don't really know. You're the one who read all those manuals.”
I turn my head around and stick my tongue out at him. I know, childish. I suggest westay the way we are.I actually don't want to look at Noah when he fucks me. Or I don't want him to see my red face. He spreads some more lube over my ass and then puts on a condom. He moves his knees up and gets close behind me. He then places the tip of his dick against my hole. Ok. No problem. I can do this. This is going to be fine. Piece of cake. Walk in the park. It won't hurt if you don't let it hurt. That's right. I control this. He pushes in slightly. FUCK! Oh crap. His head pops in. He places a hand on my waist to steady himself. He stops.
“Yeah. Keep going. Just push it in.”That will make it better.
“Um, you sure?”
“Yeah just do it.”
He slowly starts to push it in. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. He stops when I feel his skin against my ass. Okay. It's in. I bite down on my lips hard. My eyes are clenched shut and the sheets are tightlywrappedbetween my fingers.
“Relax, Jordan. Breathe. It will be easier if you're not so tense.”
“I'm not tense. I'm fine. Keep going.”
He pulls out of me. Fuck that hurt.“We'll try another time.”
I turn around.“I want to do this. Keep going. Stuff me! I'm fine.”
“If you clench those sheets any tighter, you might just lose blood flow to your hands. I'm not stupid.”
“Fine. It hurts. ButI want to do this. I want you inside of me. Fuck me, now!” I say in anauthoritativevoice. Then softly add. “Please.”
Again, he starts to push back into me. Okay relax. Just relax. Do not tighten your ass muscles. Be calm. Soon he is back into me fully. He takeshis dick out and thenputsitback in a few more times. Shit,this hurts. How do guys do this? Holy crap!Noah is strong!
Slowly the pain eases a bit. Slowly. Very slowly. It takes some time for my ass to get used to this foreign invasion, but it's starting too. At one point in time he hits that spot again, the spot that made me feel good before. That's probably my prostate! That actually feels good. He starts to build into a slow rhythm. I've let go of the sheets now, and I'm no longer clenching as hard on my teeth.
“Feel better?”Noah asks me.
“Yeah ... yeah ... I do. It's getting better.”
He keeps his pace slow, which is good. I'm not ready for hard thrusts. It's been a few minutes now and the pain isstill there,but a lot less. This actually feels pretty good! I can see the appeal. It feels different. I feel ... well, full. Noah's going a bit faster now. I can hear him breathing harder now too. He continues to hit that spot, the spot that sends this weird sensation through me.
“Fuck Noah ... yeah that's it ... give it to me ... I want to feel you ... go on…”
He obliges. He pushes in a bit harder. More and more. I want to do this for him. I need to do this for him.
“That's it ... oh you feel so good … yeah man … right there ...”
“Shut .... up ... Jordan ... I know ... you're ... lying …”he says between thrusts.
“I'm not…”I say. This is actually starting to feel really good.
We change positions, so that I’m on my back, looking a Noah as he fucks me. I can see the appeal of this position too!There is no denying the lust in Noah’s soft hazel eyes. He really is enjoying himself! As he fucks me, he leans down to give me a kiss. When he leans back up, he picks up speed. I reach for my own rock-hard dick. I don’t last too long. Soon, I’m shooting cum all over my body. That was a strong orgasm! Noah reaches his climax soon after.
He pulls out and flops down beside me.
“That was intense!” I say. My ass startstofeel a bitbetter, but my hole feels oddly bigger. It feels different. I roll on top of him, spreadingmycum all over hissweatybody. I kiss him deeply.
“Thank you,”Noahsays looking into my eyes. “That was amazing.”
What a guy. You know what? I might be able to eventually get used to this.
So, I wasn’t really sure how it was supposed to worknow. Before, when we had sex, I would top and Noah would bottom. It was just sort of our thing. But now that I’ve bottomed too, does that mean we talk about who does what before? Or do wejustgo with the flow? Do we both take turns? But then who goes first? Say if we both want to top? Or both want to bottom? Who decides! So many questions!
I got some answers last night, the night before our English exam. This time, I cracked. Noah warned me he needed to study and to stay away. But when I was going through my English notes, naturally I started thinking of Noah. I made some lame excuse that I was confused about one of the topics and asked if we could meet up to talk. Now, I didn't say a location. We could have met outside. He suggested his apartment, so it really was mostly his fault. I went over. We started studying. We talked. I got horny. And, yeah, was I flirtatious? Yes! Did I want him? Yes. Much to my relief, Noah said he wanted to be fucked, and hard. He said while it’s nice to change things up once in a while, he likeshow things aregoing in the bedroom. I agreed. Not to say I won’t ever bottom again. I will. But it seems like we both know what we like in bed. Crisis averted!
Okay, stop thinking about sex. I need to finish writing this English exam! I only have five minutes left. I continue to quickly scribble words on paper.
And done! I’m finally done!
“FREEDOM!”I yell, throwing both of my hands in the air as I exit the exam room.
“Lucky jerk. How did it go?” Noah finished earlier andwas waiting outside.
“Not too bad actually. I was expecting worse. What did you think?”
“I thought it was okay. Just a lot of writing. My hand started to hurt.”
“Yeah man, near the end my writing looked like chicken scratch. I'm not sure how the prof is going to read any of that.”
“Well, that's his problem now,” he says. “So, doyou want to come over to my place for lunch?”
“Is that what we're calling it now?”I smile.
“Yes, it’s still called lunch. I'm actually really hungry!”
“So am I. Sounds good.”
“So, how did you do on the essay?” he asks. As we were leaving the prof gave us back ourpapers.
“An A. You?” I’m very proudof myself!
“That's good. Igotan A minus.”
I stop and turn with the biggest smile. “I beat nerd boy? Oh, I’m so happy right now!”
“Shut up,” he says smacking me in the arm. “We all know it’s because the prof has a thingfor you.”
“So, you’re saying I’m not smart enough to get a good grade on my own?” I feign mock outrage.
“No,butIamsaying it helps you and the prof have the hots for each other,” Noah says.
“Don’t be jealous,” I respond.
We continue to rib each other as we walk home. It’s good. I’d rather Noah be in a good mood when I break the not-so-good news. My exams are now done. Noah’s don’t finish until Friday. We were both going to stay in town over the weekend, celebrate our two-month anniversary, and go back to our respective homes to be with our families for the holidays at the end of the week. But there has been a change in plan. I may have to leave earlier. And I don’t know how to tell him.
“So,um … my mom called me yesterday,” I say to Noah when we get back to his place.
“Yeah? How’s she doing?”
“She’s good. Busy with work. But um, she called because shewantedto knowif it’s possible that I can come home early.”
He stops what he is doing.
“Friday,”I say hesitantly.
“As inafewdays from now?”
“Yeah. My dad called her and asked if I could spend a week over the Christmas breaks with him. Since he isn't doing well, my mom thought it would be a good idea.So,she wants be to come back earlier. I’m sorry, Noah.”
Over the summer my father had a heart attack. He’s only in his 50s. But ever since I’ve known him, he hasn’t taken care of himself. I spent a week with him during the summer. It was brutal. I really had to control my anger, and my urge to fight with him.
“Jordan, you don't have to apologize.But why did your dad ask her and not you?”
“He called a few timeslast week, but I didn't answer the phone.I know I should have … it’s just …”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“I know but … I don’t want to see him. After the divorce, not once did he ever come to see me. Not once have we spent Christmas together since I was a kid. So why now? Why I should I spend the holidays with him now? Because he’s sick? I should feel sorry for him? That’s the only reason why he cares. Now that he’s alone and needs us. I know that sounds harsh, but … I just … ah!”
“It’s okay,” Noah says wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. “I understand.”
“My mom thinks I should go.She says if I don'tgonow,Imayregret it later. I doubt that.”
“Jordan, she loves you and I'm sure she's only looking out for what's best for you.”
“I would rather spend my holidays with youand her, the woman who has done everything for me, and not the guy who only seems to have remembered he has a soul and a son now.”
“That's a bit harsh.”
“Iknow, butI don't respect him and I don't know why I have to spend time with him.”
“So, what did you tell your mom?” he asks.
“I wanted to talk to you first. She wants me to come back on Friday, so that on Saturday we can drive up north to see her sister. It’s aneight-hourdrive, so it’s a bit of a trip. She was able to get acoupleof days off work, so she thought it would be good to spend time with them. She has to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. After that she wants me to spend a week with my dad before comingbackhere.”
“You should go. Spend time with your family. It’s important.”
“But what about us?” Iask.
“I’ll still be here.”
“We’ll miss our second anniversary. We didn’t even get to celebrate ourfirst.”
“We’ll have the third, fourth, fifth to celebrate. It’s okay.”
“This is what I’m going to suggest, a bit of a compromise. I leave Saturdayafternoon. This way we have a bit of time after your exam is done on Friday, we can go out, and have a crazy weekend. We’ll celebrate our anniversary early. If I get there Saturdaynight, we can still leave onSunday morning. That still gives my mom about five or so days with her sister. That should make everyone happy.”
“And whenwould you come back?”
“That’s the other thing, I’d come back the Sunday before school starts.” Originally, I was supposed to come back earlier! Again, I’mlosing evenmore time that I should be spending with Noah.
“Whatever you decide, I’ll be okay. Do whatever is easier for you, okay?”
“I don’t know how I’m going to get by without you,” I say.
“So, if you leave Sundayand come back …” he starts to do the math in his head.
“Three weeks,” I say.
“That’s a long time.”
“Yeah …” It doesn't help Noah and I are going to bebasically on the opposite sides of the country.
“Well, it will suck not having you around, but we'll manage,”he says with a smile.
“I hope so. I'm not sure I can stay that long without seeing you or being with you,”I say.
“You'll be fine. I promise.Why didn't you tell me this last night when you came over?”
“I wanted to think about it first, if I even wanted to go and see my dad. I’m sorryI didn’t say anything last night.”
“It’s fine. It’s just, you kind of missed outon a pretty unique experience.”
What is he talking about? “What experience?”
“Well, if I knew lastnightI wasn’t going to see you forthree weeksI would have rocked your world.” He leans against me running his hand over my dick. “I would have given you so much pleasure you would have had an orgasm like no other. But,” he says abruptly moving away, “now you've missed your chance and you'll never know what that type of hungry sex feels like. Oh well, you're loss.”
“But I'm still leaving, so we could try some of that out right now…”
“It's too late. The moment has passed.Anyway, what do you want for lunch?”
“To eat smart ass!”
“Chocolate drizzled on top of you?”I do love chocolate. And I love being with him …
“Yeah, maybe some time apart is a good thing. You’ve clearly gone crazy.”
Three weeks without this guy. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive.
*** NOAH ***
Three weeks without Jordan. I know it’s not that long, but it feels like eternity. In such a short amount of time I've become so accustomed to having him around. It will be weird being so far away for so long. I'm going to miss seeing that smile, getting lost in his blue eyes, feeling him against me. But as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It will be tough, but we will manage.
But already, even though he is still standing in front of me, I miss him. We're at the airport. Jordan has checked in and is ready to go.
“Have a good flight. Call me when you get there,” I say.
“I will. Take care of yourself,” he says to me.
“Goodbye, Noah.”He gives me a hug, and starts to walk towards security.
These last few dayswith Jordan have been wonderful. We were practically glued to one another. We had sex several times, even though I know I should have been studying. I guess that's partially because we knew we would be separated for so long. Knowing that just kept driving up our lust for one another. He also let me fuck him again. The second time was much better. It felt great to finally be inside of him, to move our relationship to the next level. I don’t love being a top, I prefer to bottom. But I’m glad we were able to share the experience.
It wasn't just us being horny. There was something else. There was a feeling I haven't felt for anyone I've ever dated. I know what it is. It's true. I know it's true. It hit me a long time ago and I knew it. I was just too scared to admit it. Plus, I’m the one who suggested we slow down. But screw that. I'm not going to see him for three weeks! Anything can happen in that time. He needs to know. I have to tell him before he leaves.
“Jordan, wait!” I call out to him. He stops and turns around. He was just about to enter the security area.I wave at him tomeet me at the side.
Okay, I just have to spill it out; put it all out on the line. No stopping. No breathing. Just say it. Go.
“Jordan, these past few weeks with you ... it’s been ... it’s been the best time of my life,” I am panting while I say this. I am completely out of breath. “We've had our fair share of problems I know, but it hasn't mattered. Being with you has been worth every single second. These past few weeks I've felt wanted, respected ... I've felt like your equal and no one has ever treated me like that.” My heart is pounding. It feels like it will shatter any moment. And it might. “I've felt like I have something to hold onto ... a reason to get up in the morning ... a reason to keep going. You're that reason. You're the first thing I think about in the morning and at night. Knowing I'm going to see you makes me happy. It's the highlight of my day. These past few weeks have beenamazing. I've never felt this way about anyone. I ... you have to know how I feel about you. I want you to know. It's okay if you don't feel the same way. It's okay. I won't be hurt. I just ... I need you to know. I want you to know. I want you to knowjusthow much I care.” I know I'm rambling. People are starting to stare at us. Jordan is transfixed.
“Jordan ... I ... I’m madly inlovewithyou.”
His eyes widenand he breaks out into a huge smile. He steps closer and leans in as if he's about to ... he wouldn't do that here, would he? He stops himself and looks around as if he just realized where weare. Hethen looksback atme with thiswarmth in his eyes, as if I’m the only other person in the world.
“Noah, I never thought it was possible I could feel this way about a guy,” he says. “Heck, I still remember trying to wash these thoughts out of my head when I first met you. Even when I kissed you that night in the gym, I didn't know where this was all leading. At that time, it seemed like I was acting on a whim. Yet the more time we spent together the more certain I became. You're not like anyone else. I feel the same way about you. Waking up next to you is ... is like a dream ... it makes my day. When you're not around ... when I'm alone in bed at night ... I think of you ... think of curling up next to you ... think of touching you. I ... it's weird ... it's only been a short time. I've never felt this connected with anyone else. But you ... you get me. When you told me about how I said I loved you ... I thought about it and it scared me. I thought I was falling too hard for you. I thought it was too soon. But I knew I was kidding myself. I knew my mind already said to you what my heart was too afraid to say.” He pauses to breathe. “I wanted to say this to you that night. I should have said it to you that night. Noah, I’m madly in love with you too. Madly, deeply, insanely in love.”
Wow. I finally exhale. It felt like I couldn't breathe for the last few moments. He grabs me and hugs me. I hold onto him tightly. We stand like that for a few seconds. I close my eyes. He loves me! Then something dawns on me. “Move in with me. When you come back from the holidays, don't go back toyourdorm ... to that empty bed by yourself ... come live with me. You already spend so much time at my place as it is. I know it may be too soon, or too fast, but who cares. I keep trying to look up standard relationship milestones. How soon is too soon to say I love you, or too soon to move in? But we’re not standard. We’re unique. We’re special. And this feels right.”
“Are you sure?”he has this eagerness in his eyes.
“I'd love to,”he says.
I don't think I could have a bigger smile on my face. I almost feel like I'm going to cry with joy. I then see the clock on the wall.Ourmoment of bliss is broken. “You have to go.”
And there goeshis smile. “I really wish I didn't have to.”
“Sodo I. But you’re running late. Go!”
“I'll call you when I get there.”
“You better. We havealot to talk about.”
“For sure. Bye, Noah.”
He turns around and starts to walk away. He yells out, not too loud, but enough so that I can hear him, “oh fuck it!” He steps back towards me and before I can even blink his lips are on mine. He's kissing me. In the airport. In front of thousands of people. And this isn't a light peck. No. He's kissing me. His hands are on my neck and back holding me close. It's a long, deep, kiss as his tongue explores my mouth. When it's over I can barely stand. I'm weak at the knees. I feel numb. If my heart was pounding before, well now it's in over drive. People are staring at us, but I don't care. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.
“Still think I'm a chicken?”he asks me.
No words come out. He lightly kisses me again on the mouth.
“One for the road,” he winks at me. “Screw the world. Let them stare. Let them gawkas I kiss the man I love. They always will. Bye, Noah. You take care now.” He has this grin on his face. I'm still in utter disbelief.
“Bye, Jordan,”I whisper.
Sorry for the slight delay! Lots happens in this chapter. Even though Noah wants to slow down, he is sort of the first one to say 'I Love You'. But now they're going to be away for three weeks. And when they're back, they'll live together. That will pose different challenges! Let me know what you think in the comments below!
P.S. I was actually going to end the chapter at the part Jordan tells Noah that Sebastian wasn't completely lying about Kate, and leave it on a cliffhanger, but I thought I would be nice (for once)