Noah and Jordan - 15. Chapter Fifteen

*** JORDAN ***

It was turning into a morning to cherish and remember. Now, we’ll remember it for all the wrong reasons.

Where the hell did Jenn even come from? Why is she here? She has the worst timing ever.

Shit. My bag. I forgot it on the floor. Stupid, Jordan!

And now my shoes. Yeah, we’re screwed.

“Jordan's here.” Even though I can’t see her face, I can tell she is pissed.

“It's not what you think,” Noah responds.

“It’s exactly what I think. What the fuck is going on?” she asks angrily.

“I can explain,” he says calmly. “Why don’t you come in and we can sit and talk.”

“You have five seconds to tell me what’s going on or I’m leaving.”

“Fine. Jordan, you can come out of my room,” Noah says.

I walk into the family room. Jenn is standing in the doorway. She is not happy.

“Hi, Jenn.”

She glares at me before turning back to look at Noah. “I’m listening. What’s your explanation?”

“I know you said I should stop spending time with Jordan after your break up ... but I didn’t and —”

“So, you lied to me?” she asks cutting him off. “You chose him over me, your supposed best friend?”

“It’s not like that. It’s a —”

Again, she doesn’t let him finish. “Yeah, it is like that. I trusted you, Noah. I can’t believe you would betray me, after everything we’ve been through. And you would throw it all away to be friends with him? Some random guy? Whatever. I’m done.” She starts to turn to leave.

“Jenn, wait!” he yells out. “At least hear me out before you jump to a conclusion.”

“Fine,” she says crossing her arms over her chest, “I’m listening.”

“Yes, I lied to you. I didn’t tell you that I was still hanging out with Jordan. I wanted to, but I couldn’t because it was complicated. In retrospect, I should have told you. The truth is that Jordan isn’t just my friend … he’s not a random guy … he’s my boyfriend.”

For once she doesn’t respond right away. Clearly, she did not see that coming.

“Your boyfriend?”

“Yes,” he replies.

“You’re also gay?” she asks looking at me.

“Yeah. If you asked me that question a few weeks ago I would have said no. But then I started having feelings for Noah, and I was confused. That’s why I broke up with you. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to you if I stayed.”

“How long have you two been together?” This time her question is aimed at Noah.

“A short time now,” he says.

“Since when?” She wants a specific answer.

“The night Jordan broke up with you,” he says.

“Before or after you came over to my place?”

Noah pauses. His answer is barely audible. “Before.”

“So, that night when you came over to comfort me, you were already with Jordan?”

“Yes,” Noah says.

“So, everything you said that night, everything you’ve said since, has been a lie. Why? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

“I wanted to,” Noah says. “But —”

“Because I asked him not to,” I cut in. I’m not going to let Noah take the fall. “I was still trying to figure everything out. This whole sexuality question has been really confusing. And I asked him to keep it between us until I was more comfortable with other people knowing. If you’re going to be angry at anyone, you should be angry at me.”

Noah looks at me and then at Jenn. “It wasn’t just Jordan. It was a decision we both made. I wanted to tell you, honestly, I did. But I knew how upset you were and I didn’t think it was the right time. I was going to tell you this week, but then you told me about your mom, and I didn’t want to make you even more upset.”

“I told you how angry I was that my parents were hiding things from me and lying. And yet, you thought it would be a good idea to continue hiding things and lying?” Jenn responds.

“I know. I shouldn’t have. I’m really sorry, Jenn. I never meant to hurt you,” Noah says.

I feel so bad for him. I can tell he feels awful inside.

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Jenn says. “I never expected this from you.”

“I think you two have a lot you need to talk about right now,” I say. “I’m going to go, and give you guys some space.” My presence clearly isn’t helping.

“No, it's okay. You should stay. I should go,” says Jenn. “I have a lot to think about.”

“Please don't go,” Noah pleads. “Stay. We can figure this out together.”

“I can’t. Not right now,” she says. “I need some time. I need to think. Maybe later we can talk.”

And with that she leaves.

Noah places his hands over his face, closes his eyes, and slowly exhales. I can feel his heart break the moment the door closes. I’ve never seen him look so defeated.

“Go after her,” I say to him. “I’ll still be here when you get back.”

“It won’t work. I know Jenn. I need to give her a bit of space.”

“She’ll come around. She has to,” I say.

“I hope so. I appreciate that you tried to take the blame, but I didn’t want to continue lying to her. It was also my decision not to tell her. I just hope she can find a way to forgive me.”

As do I. I really hope they patch things up. I know just how much Noah loves and depends on Jenn. I would hate to be the reason why their friendship ends. It would shatter Noah. And I don’t know if I could live with that, or if our relationship would survive.

*** NOAH ***

The thought of losing Jenn makes me feel sick. I can’t imagine life without her. If she does leave, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have told her the truth. I never should have lied. All of this is my fault.

Jordan tried to reassure me that everything will be okay, but he doesn’t know that. He can’t guarantee she will come back. I’m glad though he was there with me. I really needed his support in that moment.

Soon after we both left for school. We both have classes in the afternoon. Mine is with Jenn. I’m here now, waiting for her. We always sit together. But who knows what she’ll do today, or even if she’ll show up.

As I sit and wait, I think about all the things I can say to Jenn to try to make it up to her. Remind her of our friendship, the good times we had together, the happy moments. And then promise her that I’ll never lie to her again. Here’s hoping that’s enough.

A few minutes before class starts, she arrives. She sees me, and then goes to the opposite side of the classroom. I guess she doesn’t want to sit together today. I don’t really blame her. Throughout class I look her way, to see if at any time she looks my way. Nope. She either looks straight head, or down at her notebook. When class finishes, she is one of the first to leave. But I’m prepared too. I run after her in the hallway.

“Jenn!” I yell catching up to her, as she quickly tries to walk away. “Can we talk?”

She doesn’t stop or look my way.

“I understand you’re still angry, and you need time, but I really think we should talk.”

Silence. I take that as my cue to continue. “Tonight, at 8 o’clock I’ll be at the coffee shop on King Street, the one we always go to. I’ll be waiting there for you. I want to explain everything to you … tell you why I did what I did. And if after that you still don’t want to be friends, I’ll respect your decision, and leave you alone. But please, come tonight. Give me this one chance.”

She slows down, but still doesn’t look my way. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask. I’ll be there. 8 o’clock, waiting.”

And with that she takes off.

———  

Nervous doesn’t begin to describe how I feel right now. I can barely stop shaking. Deep down in my soul I know she will come. She has to come. She will fight for us. Right?

8 o’clock: Nothing. Jordan texts me to ask if she is here. Nope.

8:10: Still not here.

8:15: Still alone.

8:20: I still have hope. Jordan messages again. I tell him I’m going to wait for her.

8:25: She’s going to come. Right?

8:30: Maybe she’s not coming. No. I’m not giving up. She’s going to come. I know her.

8:37: She walks in the door.

For the first time it feels like I can finally breathe. She came. I knew she would.

“Hey,” I say standing up as she approaches the table.

“Hi.”

“You came.”

“Yeah. I did,” there is no warmth in her voice.

“I got you coffee … but it’s sort of cold now. Do you want me to get you another?”

“No, I’m okay. I’m not sure if I’m going to be staying long.”

“Right. I’ll get right to it then. I asked you to come tonight because I want to tell you the full truth. Something I should have told you a long time ago.” Alright, here I go. “Do you remember the night you were looking for me, and then Jordan found me?”

“Yes.”

“When he found me that night, he kissed me, and I kissed him back.”

“Wait, so you hooked up with him even before he broke up with me?” she asks angrily.

“No, no, just listen, please. That night when Jordan found me, he kissed me. I had no idea what was going on. I was so confused I just froze. He then admitted he had feelings for me. As you can imagine, I was beyond shocked. He said he wanted to be with me. But I said no. I didn’t believe what he felt was actually real. I didn’t trust him. Plus, more important than all of that, he was still with you. I told him nothing could happen between us because he was dating you. I tried to walk away. That’s when he kissed me again. I should have pushed him away. But in that moment, I was weak, and I let him kiss me. I was wrong, absolutely wrong. After that I walked away.

“But over the next few days, Jordan was persistent. I tried to convince him that he wasn’t gay, that he would be much happier with you. I knew you liked him, so I didn’t want him to just end your relationship without giving it a shot first. You have to believe me, if you two were still dating, I would never have gotten together with Jordan. The one kiss was a mistake. I wasn’t going to repeat it again.

“But as you know he decided to break up with you. That's when he came over to my place. And Jenn my answer was still going to be no. But then he started talking. He said he would out himself to everyone, just to prove that he was serious about being with me. He told me just how much he cared. And honestly Jenn, in that moment, I felt more loved and wanted than I ever have in my life. I couldn’t believe he would go through so much trouble just to be with me. Me. The guy Sebastian thought was worthless. Yes, I was scared. I didn’t know if I could trust Jordan. I wasn’t sure if he would hurt me just like Sebastian did. But I had to take the chance. Every part of me wanted to be with him. And so I said yes.

“Figuring out this whole sexuality thing has been really difficult. I'm still very confused as to what I'm even doing. But when I'm with Jordan that confusion goes away. I don't feel that same anxiety or stress. For once in my life I truly feel happy. I feel like I’m myself. That I'm not living a lie. I know this is my first relationship with a guy, or at least a proper one, but there is something there. When I’m with him I’m happy.

“Last night,” I continue, “he stayed over. We just lay in bed. I can’t begin to tell you how I felt. Never in my life has something felt so right. In the morning, we talked for hours. He told me so much about his personal life, and what it was like growing up. I told him about my life. We talked about our hopes, our fears, our dreams. Never in my life have I connected with someone so strongly, besides you. This is not a fling, Jenn. This is not just some random relationship. At least not for me. I’m really falling for him, falling hard.”

There it is. I knew I had to lay out just how strongly I feel for Jordan. If she knows, she’ll understand why I did what I did.

“But I should have told you,” I continue. “I didn’t because I knew you were already upset. I didn’t want to make you feel even worse. But there was another reason why I didn’t tell you. I was afraid. Deep inside my brain was this fear Jordan would turn out to be just like Sebastian. He would use me, have sex, and then walk away. I didn’t want you or anyone to know just in case everything fell apart. If it happened a second time, I would be humiliated. Everyone would know how stupid and foolish I had been. I wouldn’t be able to face anyone. And then I would know that Sebastian was right, that I am worthless, that I’m not worthy of being loved.”

“Don’t ever say something so stupid again,” Jenn says cutting in. “You are not worthless.”

“I won’t.”

“I thought you would know that no matter what happens, I’ll never judge or look down on you.” I don’t sense anger in her voice, only disappointment.

“I know. Honestly, I do. I knew if I came to you, that you would comfort me and be there for me. I just wasn’t sure that I would have the strength to have that conversation with you a second time.”

She waits a couple of seconds before she speaks to collect her thoughts.

“Since we’ve been friends, have I ever stood in the way of your happiness, Noah?” she asks.

“Never,” I respond. “Rather, I think you’ve gone out of your way to make sure I’m happy.”

“Right. Do you remember a few weeks ago Jordan had that odd conversation with us about friendship and happiness? It all makes so much more sense now. As I said then, I would do anything to make you happy. Did you not believe me?”

“I did. I still do.”

“Then you should have known that I would never have stopped you from being with Jordan. If you remember, I offered to break up with him for you.”

“You did,” I respond.

“And I meant it, because that’s what friends do. They support each other. They don’t lie. Never in our friendship have I lied to you,” she says. “I understand that you didn’t tell me you’re gay at first. I understand hiding that. But this, Noah, you should have told me the truth. For two weeks, you lied to me. That night you came over to my house, you lied to me repeatedly. How can I ever trust you again?”

“I don’t know. But maybe by remembering that I’m a good person. That I’m always there for you too. That I also want to see you happy. That I would never intentionally hurt you.”

“But you did hurt me, Noah. And it’s not that you lied, it’s because after three years of friendship, you clearly don’t know who I am. Yes, I may have been upset, but I would have gotten over all of that, because I’m your friend. Because I love you and want to see you happy. I would have been thrilled for you. I am thrilled for you. Because I know how hard all of this has been for you. I know you’ve struggled. You should have known that I would have been there for you. That I would have supported you. That you matter that much to me. But it feels like you don’t even know me at all. That after all this time you doubt my loyalty to you.”

Fuck. She has a valid point. I did misjudge her.

“I don’t doubt your loyalty, Jenn. Honestly. I know you love me. I know you care. I love you just as much. I made a mistake. I made the wrong call. What can I do to make this right?” I ask.

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Jenn, from the bottom of my heart, I mean it when I say, I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. I will do anything to make this right. If I have to make a choice between you and Jordan, then I pick you. If that is what it takes to keep our friendship alive, I’ll do it. I'll break up with Jordan.”

I honestly do mean it. Yes, it would be the hardest decision in my life to walk away from Jordan, one I probably would regret for the rest of my life. But Jenn also means the world to me. She has been my strongest supporter for the past three years. I can’t lose her.

“Okay.”

My heart drops. Fuck.

“Okay?”

“I’ll stay if you break up with him.”

Holy shit I can’t breathe. My mouth is dry. I didn’t expect her to say yes. Fuck.

“I’ll do it then.” Those are some of the hardest words I’ve ever said in my life. I feel like my heart is breaking inside.

She lowers her eyes and shakes her head.

“See, Noah, you still don’t know who I am. I would never ask you to break up with Jordan. It’s obvious just how much you care for him. I wouldn’t take that away from you.”

Oh, thank God! I can breathe again. It’s like a weight has been lifted off of my chest.

“I do know who you are, Jenn. I knew you weren’t going to say yes.”

“If you knew I was going to say no, then why make the gesture?”

“Because I wanted to remind you the type of friend I am. I will also do whatever it takes to make you happy. Even if that means giving up something that means a lot to me.”

Both of us just look at one another. I honestly don’t know what more I can say.

Jenn is the first to break the silence. “It sounds like things are pretty serious between the two of you.”

“Yeah. It’s only been two weeks. I didn’t think I would fall for him this fast.”

“I honestly am happy for you. I know how much you wanted this. I just hope it works.”

“As do I.”

“If he breaks your heart, I’ll break his foot.”

For the first time, I smile. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

“Oh, we’re far from forgiveness still, buddy. You need to promise that you’ll never lie to me again. No matter how big or small. No matter if you think I’ll be upset. You do not lie or hide things from me. Ever. I need to know that I can trust you.”

“Absolutely. Honestly, Jenn, I swear I will never lie to you again. You have my word.”

“Thank you.”

“So, are we okay?” I honestly can’t tell.

She bites her lower lip as she thinks. “I don’t know what we are. I’m still extremely angry. It will just take some time.”

“That’s fair. Are we still on for Saturday?” She was going to come over to my place.

“I don’t know.”

“Okay. No pressure. Just let me know when you know.”

“Okay. I’m going to go. I'll see you later, Noah.”

“Thanks for coming. Have a good night.”

For the first time in our friendship I'm not able to instantly talk my way out of an argument with Jenn. I have a feeling we will be okay, but I don’t know. It may take time to get back to where we were. I can sense this wall between us. I won't rest until I break it down.

Before I leave the café, I look at my phone. I have a couple of missed messages from Jordan. He wanted to know if Jenn made it or not. I’ll call him when I’m closer to home. Out of all nights, tonight, I really could use Jordan’s support. To be in his arms again. That bed just won’t feel the same without him.

As I walk home my phone starts to ring. It’s Jordan. He beats me to it.

“Hey, you,” I say answering.

“Hey, how did it go? I figured since I didn’t hear back from you that meant she showed up. Did she?”

“She did.”

“Oh, that’s good. And? How did it go?”

“We talked. I told her the truth. She told me why she was angry. I felt awful, like the worst person in the world.”

“You’re not the worst person. Second worst, maybe. How did you leave things?”

“I don’t know. I think we’ll be okay. It may just take a bit of time. But I’m hopeful.”

“That’s good. Hopeful is good. She’ll come around.”

“You know,” I say as I step into the elevator in my building, “I was thinking how nice it would be to see you tonight. I kind of miss you.”

“Wishes do come true,” he replies.

“Oh, I’m just being selfish. It’s late, and a school night. I don’t want to bug you. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Or maybe you’ll see me sooner than you expect.”

What does that mean? When I step out of the elevator, I get my answer. There he is, sitting on the floor by my door, a bag of take out beside him. I couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend.

“Hey, Noah.”

“You’re here.”

“Yeah,” he says getting up. “I thought after meeting Jenn you might need a shoulder to lean on, so I came.”

I wrap my arms around him and pull him in close. I have to stop myself from crying. I am feeling every emotion possible right now. “Thank you. You don’t know how much you being here means to me.”

“I told you, we’re a team.”

I don't want to let him go. But we should probably go inside.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d be hungry so I brought Thai food,” he says as we walk into my apartment. “It’s a bit cold now. And someone may have eaten all of the spring rolls.”

He is perfect. “Thank you. I’m okay. But if you’re hungry, go ahead.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Um …” I don’t remember. “Lunch, I think. But I had a hot chocolate just now. I’m okay.”

“I know you’re upset. But you have to eat. Just have a bit. Do it for me.”

When I’m upset, I lose my appetite. Nothing goes down. But how can I say no that face? I have just a bit of food. As we eat, I tell him about my conversation with Jenn.

“I’m just going to take a quick shower, if that’s okay,” I say when we’re done.

“Of course. I think I should head out. It’s getting late,” he says.

“Or you could stay.” I don’t know why asking makes me nervous. I don’t want to be alone tonight.

“You sure? I didn’t bring my own blanket,” he says with a smile.

“I think I can find it in my heart, just this one more time, to share a blanket with you. Besides, if I change my mind, I have a spare. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

After I shower, we had off to bed. We get under the covers and immediately, Jordan wraps his arms around me and pulls me in close.

“Night, Noah,” he says as he locks his fingers with mine.

“Night, Jordan.”

But I don’t fall asleep. Neither does he. Feeling his skin against mine, his hand on my chest, his breath on my skin, makes be burn with desire inside. There is no denying the sexual tension in the air. I know he can feel it too.

For so long I’ve been afraid. Afraid to be gay. Afraid to be with Jordan. Afraid he will leave. Afraid of getting too close. Just always afraid. I’ve used that fear as an excuse to hold back, to reject my own desires. In the end, the only person who loses is me. But I’m no longer afraid. I’m not afraid to have desires, to act on those desires. Jordan is real. He has proven himself time and time again. Last night in bed, this morning as we talked, and just now at my door.

I want him. I want to be with him. So, why do I continue to deny myself this pleasure?

I turn around and plant my lips on his. I kiss him hard and passionately. Jordan reciprocates with just as much passion as we melt into one another.

“Jordan,” I say my lips close to his, “I’m ready. I want to be with you.”

I look into his eyes, his warm blue eyes. He stares back at me, surprised. Deep within him there are conflicting emotions; excitement and lust. A hunger and desire to move our relationship forward; to finally be together. Yet at the same time, concern. Concern perhaps we are rushing; concern this will change the dynamic of our relationship. Concern for me.

“Are you sure?” he asks, his voice barely audible. “We don’t have to until you’re ready.”

He's real. He cares. I truly am ready to be with him.

“Jordan,” I say. “I'm more than sure.”

The words are barely out of my mouth before Jordan's lips find mine once again. It's almost as if a switch has gone off inside of him. The lust has multiplied. Our bodies press together, grinding against one another. I grab on tighter to his waist as his lips devour mine. I can feel his heart beating against me. Our tongues meet. He kisses me more passionately. My hands are all over him. My body aches for more.

It's almost impossible to break away from Jordan. His hands are all over me, feeling my back, my ass, my hair. I manage to roll on top of him. I place my hands near his head; my knees are by his waist. I break from his kiss, and start to move my lips down, kissing him softly. I take in his skin, smelling the musk smell mixed with sweat. His skin tastes salty. His cold skin quivers as heat penetrates into it from my warm lips.

As my lips move slowly down his neck, kissing him along the way, I find a nipple and squeeze it between my fingers. It doesn't take long for it to stand at attention. At first, I tease him. Brush my lips past his nipples. Then I flick them with my tongue. I bite down on one ever so softly. Jordan's body jerks. He wasn't expecting that. But I can tell he is enjoying this. He moans in appreciation.

Jordan's body is perfection. His hard pecs lead down to a flat torso, with abs that are defined and toned. I work my way over his six pack. I want to feel each inch of his body, taste every corner, run my tongue over every ridge and curve. There is only one cure to my insatiable appetite, his body.

Jordan remains silent through my tongue's onslaught, but his body speaks volumes. He arches his back, runs his fingers through my hair, as he ever so slightly pushes me down, to the obvious tent waiting in his pyjamas (the ones I lent him a few minutes ago). His dick is straining to get loose.

As my lips reach his belly button, I place my hand on his pants, rubbing the fabric against his dick. He lifts up his waist as I pull his pants off and throw them onto the floor. His dick is fighting against his black cotton boxers for freedom. All in due time.

I move down the bed, so that my knees are just on the edge. I lower my back once more and kiss the top of his dick through the fabric. I kiss all the way down the shaft.

“Fuck Noah ... that feels ... please …”

I sit up and look into Jordan's eyes. They beg me to release him. I can't believe I am about to do this. I put my thumbs into the waistband of his boxers and pull them down. His rock-hard dick slaps against his lower stomach and lurches forward, standing at attention, ready to go.

Fuck, he is beautiful. I lick my lips as I lower myself back down. Here goes nothing.

*** JORDAN ***

Fuck.

Shit.

Breathe.

Control.

Holy crap.

I can't.

Shit, hold it in.

The heat.

The friction.

The sensation.

I arch my back.

I moan.

He's driving me crazy.

He's all over me.

Devouring me.

His tongue licks all seven inches.

He circles the top, around the mushroom head.

He flicks his tongue across my slit.

Shit.

Then it's almost all gone; engulfed by his mouth.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

His hands play with my balls.

My hands are on his head, pushing him down further.

He licks the sides, sucks on the head.

I'm breathing harder.

I raise my body.

I push into his mouth.

Fuck.

I've had blowjobs before but this is something else. Noah is in a league of his own. The way he moves his lips and his tongue around, is as if he is worshipping every part of me. I can't take it any longer. If he continues I will cum right into his mouth. And I don't want to do that yet. As much as it pains me, I have to nudge him off. He moves off, sitting on my lower legs. I'm too close. I need to slow down.

“Fuck, Noah ... that was ... wow ... good. You're ... fuck ... amazing.”

He just smiles back at me. I sit up. My hand finds the back of his neck and I bring him close to me. His body is a drug. My drug. I can't get enough. I find his lips and kiss him. I want to feel him again. I want to feel his insides, taste him. I grab the corners of his t-shirt and pull it over his head. Before he even gets a chance to balance himself, I throw him onto his back. Now I'm on top of him. I feel his tongue against mine.

I move up to get a look at his body. For the longest time, I’ve wondered what he was hiding under that shirt. He’s skin is smooth, with just a touch of hair below his naval, leading down to the other part of his body I’ve been dying to see and touch. He isn’t toned. But he isn’t fat either. He is lean. And he is sexy as hell.

“Fuck, you look sexy,” I say as I admire his body.

“You’re a good liar,” he says.

I look back into his eyes. “You ARE sexy. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Okay?”

“Okay.”

I move down his body, giving him the same royal treatment his lips gave me just a moment ago. I taste each inch of him, lick him, smell him, devour him. He trembles when I kiss the sides of his stomach. He warned me from before he is ticklish. I fling off his pyjamas. I tease his dick, which is trapped and pressing against his boxers. I want him to feel the pain of the agonizing wait he inflicted upon me.

Even when I rip off his underwear, I don't pay any attention to his dick. First, I admire his body, telling him just how beautiful he truly is. When I get back to work, I move around his dick. This drives him crazy. He moans but I ignore him. Instead I focus on his balls, playing with the two with my fingers and then my mouth. I read about doing this online. As my lips feel his balls, I run my hand over his dick. It's rock hard. Slightly curved to the right. It feels about six or seven inches. I think I’m bigger. Of course, it’s not a competition (it so is!).

This is it. I've never done this before. I'll try to emulate what Noah did. Fuck that felt really good. Ok, here goes. A guy's dick in my mouth. I never thought I'd try this. Alright. I move up, taking my tongue from the base of his shaft, running it along till I hit the top.

His body jerks. It gets stiff. He moans. I guess I did something right.

My tongue circles around the rim, going up and down back the length of his shaft. I work around his dick, lick the top. His body tells me he wants more. I can do this. Just take it in. I take it all within my mouth, working down his shaft. Then I gag.

“Easy, slowly,” he says.

Shit, that didn't work. They make it look so easy in porn. Okay, try again. I suck on his cock. He moans. This works. But then his body twitches.

“TEETH!”

Crap. I look up at him, “Sorry.”

“It's okay. Just don't do that again.”

I forgot about those. Okay, I can do this. I can take all of it down my mouth. Just don't gag. I read about this online. Just don't think about gagging and you won't. It's simple. I try swallowing his dick once again. But again, I start to gag. I move off of him coughing. Noah sits up on his knees.

“Sorry, that was bad ... not like you.”

“It's okay, it takes time to learn. And that was amazing.”

“You're not a good liar.”

He kisses me again. The distraction works. It only takes a second to get back into him. He presses his body against mine, and I feel his dick rub against my skin. While still kissing me, he lowers his hand and starts to play with my dick. He then puts both of ours together and starts to jerk them off at the same time.

I've jerked off plenty of times. Okay fine, lots. But this is a new sensation. His hand feels so much better. The way he rubs his hand along the skin. The way his dick feels against mine. I can't keep it in much longer. I find his ass and start playing with it. I grab his globes, and squeeze them in my hands. He has an amazing ass. I take a finger and brush it against his hole. Noah doesn't hesitate or say anything so I continue on.

“Do you want to?” I don’t know how far he wants to go tonight. I’m pleased with just how much we’ve done already. But I would love to go one more step.

He looks at me for a second. “I do.”

Man, how he makes me happy.

“Do you have any lube?” I ask him.

He reaches over into his nightstand and grabs a bottle.

“You've been preparing for this,” I say with a smile.

“Oh, shut up ... like you haven't ... I know you've been looking up gay sex guides.”

“Only to please you,” I say as I kiss him again. The best way to win an argument or any conversation with Noah it seems: a kiss on the lips.

I ask Noah to turn around, so that his head and knees are on the bed, his ass in the air. I position myself behind him and open the bottle of lube. I spread some of the cold liquid onto my fingers. I then take some and spread it onto his hole. Slowly, I take my finger and work around the ring. Noah starts to breathe a bit heavier. I continue to work the liquid into his skin and around his hole. Then, I take my finger and push it in a bit, just inserting an inch. Noah makes a noise. I let it sit there a minute to give him time to adjust.

“You okay?” I ask him.

“Fine.”

I push in deeper until half of my finger is in. Again, I pause for a second. I then push in the entire finger. Noah stiffens. He inhales and very slowly exhales.

“Burns a bit,” he says. “Thanks for cutting your nails.”

I carefully pull my finger out, just leaving in a bit. I slide it back in a few more times until I’m able to easily get all of it inside of him. I’m slow. I read online how the first time is not fun. I then add in a second finger. Again, Noah stiffens his body, but slowly he begins to relax. His sphincter is tight. I don't want to hurt him. With both fingers in, I feel around inside. It's warm. I press against something and Noah moans loudly. This must be the prostate that I read about! After a couple of minutes, I put more lube on my fingers. This time I put three fingers against his hole.

“You ready?” I ask.

“Yeah, but go slow.”

I start to push them in when he yells. I pause.

“It's okay,” he says.

I continue to work his ass for a few more minutes. Gradually I get my fingers back inside of him. Noah doesn't say anything, but his breathing gets faster. He doesn't seem to be enjoying this much right now.

“You ready to go further?”

“Think so ... hope so,” he whispers.

“Honestly, Noah, we don’t have to.”

“I’m ready,” he responds.

I grab a box of condoms from his table, take one out and rip it open. I quickly put it on. I tell Noah to flip onto his back. I want to see him. I want to look into his eyes as I enter him.

I look down at his face. His pale soft eyes stare back at me. I wonder for a second what thoughts are going through his mind. He looks transfixed, almost in a dazed state. He is nervous, but I think also excited. My head is cluttered, fueled on by the adrenaline pumping through my veins. All I can think about is fucking Noah, pleasing him until he shouts out my name.

I lean down and kiss him slowly, trying to calm his nerves before the invasion. I lean back up and lift up his legs. I lube up his hole again, then rub lube up and down my condom-clad cock. I place the head of my dick against his quivering hole.

“Go slow,” he says.

“I'd never hurt you.”

*** NOAH ***

I look into his crystal blue eyes. There is still that burning lust and concern. I know he won't hurt me. And with that he begins to push in. The head pops in and I scream.

“Fuck.” Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck! That burns! I clench the sheets in my fists. Breathe. Relax. Okay. Shit. My chest rises up and down. He waits, giving me time to adjust. “Okay, go on.”

He ever so slowly pushes into me. My hole tries to fight off the foreign attack, but he slowly proceeds until I feel his trimmed pubes against my skin. This burns. Shit I thought this was supposed to feel good? Okay, just relax. Stop being so tense. Relax. I need to relax my muscles.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, just leave it there for a second.”

He's in me. His dick is actually inside of me. I go back to those days in English class when the thought ran through my head, me bent over, his body towering over me, fucking me till I came. A dream that seemed so far-fetched. Yet here we are. Even though this hurts and burns, it feels right. I feel full, not only in the literal sense, but emotionally full.

He pulls out about half way and then slowly pushes back in. He does this a couple of times. The pain eases a bit, but damn this still hurts a lot. My eyes are clenched shut.

“We can try again later if this hurts too much,” I hear him say.

“It's okay, keep going,” I tell him. I can fight through. I need to fight through this. For him.

I want to feel him inside of me. I need to feel him inside of me. To connect with him. To be one with him. He picks up the pace a bit. I feel his dick hit against my prostate. Fuck, that feels good. Still hurts like hell though.

“Fuck, Noah! You feel so good. Your ass is so ... tight.”

His speed picks up just a bit as he gets into a rhythm. He pulls out almost entirely and then drives back into me. I close my eyes and tilt my head back. Even though there is still pain, it's starting to slowly fade. It feels kind of good.

Jordan is fucking me. He's fucking me. I'm lying in my room on my bed and he is before me, tall and proud, making love to me. It feels surreal. He quickens his pace more and starts to really go after me. The pain is there, though not as much as before. He fills me with himself. I feel complete, connected. He leans forward and I wrap my legs around him. He brings his lips to mine and kisses me. An onslaught from two ends. His tongue invades my mouth while his dick invades my hole. His body invades my soul.

He doesn't miss a beat. His dick presses against my prostate. I push down to meet each of his thrusts. He starts to breathe heavier. I can see the sweat forming on his brow.

He moans out loud. “Fuck, oh fuck.”

I open my eyes and stare at him. He fixes his eyes on me and slowly a smile starts to creep across his face. He's not being sly or teasing me. It's a smile driven by ecstasy. I smile back. We both hold each other's gaze while he drives into me, sending waves of sensations through my body.

My hand finds my dick. He quickens his thrusts, as I work on my cock. My other hand grabs onto the sheets, as I arch my back and moan loudly. The dual sensations are too much for me to handle. Within seconds I am shooting out streams of cum as I shout out his name.

“Jordan!”

As my orgasm subsides, he reaches a climax.

“Fuck, Noah …”

Once he catches his breath, he pulls out of me. I feel so empty without him. It feels like a part of me is missing, gone. We both lay there motionless for a few minutes. The room filled with the smell of sex, sweat, cum, and the sound of our breathing. He opens his eyes and turns to me. I barely have time to blink when his lips are on mine.

“That was fucking amazing Noah ... I ... wow …”

“I know ... you're amazing,” I say.

He truly is. Now I just hope he stays.

It pains me that I feel this way. I just had an incredible experience. One I have dreamed of countless times. One I will never forget. I trusted Jordan enough to be with him. Yet, still, there is that nagging feeling, deep within my brain, I cannot shake. That like Sebastian all he wanted was sex, and now he’ll leave.

But as I stare into his eyes, as we both come down from our highs, I feel secure. I can’t imagine he would leave.

“Thank you,” he says to me with his signature smile.

“For what?”

“For everything. For being you.”

“Ah, you're welcome.”

“You know what I mean. For tonight. For trusting me.”

“I knew you wouldn't hurt me,” I say.

“Are you in pain?”

“Not pain, just uncomfortable. Feels sort of weird, but I'll live.”

“Did it hurt?” Clearly, he is still concerned for me.

“Yes!”

“So then why didn't you ask me to stop?”

“Because I wanted to be with you. It started to feel kind of good ... eventually. I think it's just something you have to get used to.”

He breaks into a big smile.

“What are you smiling about?” I ask.

“There is only one solution. We need a lot more practice. It will be a lot of work. But I’m willing to put in the effort!”

“You would want to have sex again? You’re not regretting …”

“Of course not! Noah, that was amazing. Give me five minutes, and we can go again tonight.”

“You have quite the dirty little mind.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a compliment,” I laugh.

“I'll take it as one,” he says. “I had a great time. No regrets. I feel closer to you now.”

“I feel closer to you too.”

“Okay, I need to shower.”

“I’ll pass you a towel. Be quick. I want to rinse off as well.”

“Or, crazy idea, we could try another first tonight.”

“What’s that?”

“Ever fancy showering with another dude?”

Have I ever.

*** JORDAN ***

The warm water feels nice against my skin. So too does his body. The water runs down my back, washing away with it the insecurity that once plagued me. I've done, or well am doing, two things I've never done before. I've had sex with a guy, and now am I'm taking a shower with him.

I'll be honest I was nervous, correction; insanely nervous, leading up to today. I didn't know what to expect. This whole journey with Noah has been completely foreign territory for me. It's new. I still don't know what the next day will bring. The dynamics of this relationship are complex. My emotions are complex. I've never been with a guy romantically. I had no idea if I would like it. I was scared shitless I wouldn't. I was afraid I would find his body repulsive or the thought of sucking his dick nauseating. But the more I got to know Noah the more I wanted to be with him. The urge inside of me started to grow like an uncontrolled wildfire. I did look up gay sex guides as Noah pointed out. As I looked at the different positions, I became more intrigued. The idea of being with him consumed my mind and body. I wanted to feel him. Him to feel me. To connect with him in a different level. I knew I was ready, but still I had this nagging feeling at the bottom of my stomach. In the end though, being with him was better than I could have ever imagined. It was beyond a doubt incredible.

Of course, I knew I was going to do something stupid to ruin the moment. And I did! I can't believe I scraped him with my teeth! That's a rookie mistake. Yet, he didn't seem to care. He was perfect. The way he moved, the way he kissed me. It was intense. It was surreal. It was electric. Lying next to him felt right. Being inside of him felt natural. Now as I stand embraced within his arms, it feels right too. Neither of us has said anything. We are standing under the shower head, my back to Noah, with his arms around me and the warm water running over us.

I've fucked a few girls in my day. Now I'm not a man-whore but, come on, I was a horny teenage guy with needs. But before, it was just sex and it didn't mean anything. Fucking Noah though was so different. It wasn't just about getting off, though that orgasm was fantastic. I got to feel him. I feel so much more connected to him now than I did before. And well, fine, I should be honest too, damn his ass was tight. That felt amazing!

Crap. I notice my dick has gotten hard once again. Noah does too.

“Well I can see someone is ready for round two already!” he laughs.

“Uh-huh. I wouldn't laugh. I can feel your member coming alive behind me too.”

I wonder if I will ever be able to take him inside of me. Fuck, it sounded like it hurt. But then he did seem to enjoy it after a while ... But that was after a while and I could tell he was still a bit uncomfortable and in pain. One day, I guess.

“One day you’ll get to feel him inside of you too,” Noah says his hand squeezing my ass. “Next time, it’s your turn buddy.”

“I don't know if I can take it,” I reply.

“I was able to,” he responds.

“Yeah, but I’m not as awesome as you are,” I say.

“Well, we'll soon find out.”

I turn around and give him a long, deep kiss.

“You know that always won't work right?” It's more of a statement than a question.

“What?” I ask innocently.

“Kissing me to change the subject. I'm not that dumb.”

“We should finish washing up and get back to bed.”

He just looks at me and laughs. “Sure.”

What a perfect night.