Young, Gay and Scared - 16. Chapter 16

16.1

Another Friday night found Ryan visiting the Surf club ablution block. In the weeks following his first visit, he’d experimented, finding Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights the most popular. He’d met the young man again several times and enjoyed the chemistry between them. He still didn’t know the bloke's name and contented himself that they should remain anonymous. The system worked. He’d also become popular because, his good looks, muscled frame, and tanned skin, seemed to attract everybody.

This Friday night he eagerly anticipated the erotic games ahead. The weather obliged with a warm balmy night and encouraged a larger than usual crowd. Or perhaps the local beat attracted more visitors because it had a safe reputation. He clothed himself to attract; smaller sized shorts, a white ‘chesty bond’ singlet, and running shoes. He knew he looked ‘hot’ so he entered with confidence and anticipation. Looking around he couldn’t spot his fuck-buddy but noticed a larger than usual numbers of ‘wall-flowers’^[1]. With the inside dimly lit as usual, he couldn’t make out features but stood in an exposed section hoping to get noticed.

No one made a move which pleased Ryan as he wanted time to explore the offerings. He now had sort of a routine; he’d orgasm early, then stand back and wait while his system rejuvenated itself. This way he could have at least three orgasms each night and leave completely satiated. Then out of the corner of his eye, he noticed movement. A male detached from the wall and came towards him. Although he couldn’t see clearly, he could tell, just from viewing his torso, that this man had huge sex appeal. His heart began to beat, and his mouth felt dry.

Closer and closer the man approached until he stood in front, enclosing Ryan in two strong arms as he leant against Ryan’s wall. So transfixed by the sexy, hairy, and muscled torso, he didn’t look up to the man’s face. For several heartbeats nothing happened, but Ryan succumbed to the man’s phen omes, an earthy masculine aroma. He started to look upwards when,

“Hello Ryan, I’m glad you came tonight.”

That voice, that aroma and of course, the face.

Tony! It was Tony standing before him semi-naked. Tony here doing the beat. Tony smiling down at him with that irresistible grin. Tony and Tony’s phenomes. Gobsmacked! It took several; seconds for him to find his voice,

“Wha . . . Tony! Tony, what are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here because . . .”

“I know what I’m doing here, and now so do you. Look, we’ve got heaps to talk about, and we can’t do it here. Let’s go outside.”

Just then a voice piped up from nearby,

“Hey yer a lucky guy mate, yon youngster’s a good one. He’s really hot, but do us a favour and don’t spoil him fer the rest of us, eh?”

“Noted. Now come with me hot young man. You need punishing, what yer mothers gonna say I can’t imagine”

. . .and escorted Ryan outside.

Silently Tony led Ryan away without turning to see if he followed. Utterly confused, Ryan meekly obeyed. At the club’s downstairs door Tony hesitated, found a key from somewhere, and let the two of them into the First Aid room. Leaning against a waist-high cabinet he faced Ryan with an evil smile on his face. Ryan continued to look at Tony with a stupid expression on his face.

“Well, now you know. (Pause) Yes, I’m a homo just like you boy-chick. Several times I nearly came on to you but hesitated for some stupid reason. I don’t know what made me stay away; I had some silly notion of being your protector, making sure you didn’t get into anything ugly. (Sigh) Silly me. Silly, silly me. I underestimated my feelings for you Ryan because I’ve come to love you very much. You still have a stupid look on yer face. Your turn say something.”

Ryan struggled manfully to get over the shock because too much had happened in so short a time. Eventually,

“I . . . I . . . wow, that’s all I can say . . . wow! You’re like me, you dig blokes. It’s hard for me to take in all at once. But why . . . why, didn’t you say something before? You let me make a fool of meself. If yer has feelings for me, why didn’t you just come out and say something? You knew I’m queer, so you could’ve declared yerself without any danger? That’s what I m can’t understand. Why didn’t you level with me?”

Tony pushed himself away from the counter and gently took Ryan in his arms.

“Why? Yes, you have every right to ask why. When I first saw you in the beat, I became elated, then very jealous. Surely It’s no secret I have strong feelings of friendship for you, but I longed for something more. You have no idea how good I felt knowing I had a chance with you. My miserable world came alive knowing the possibility of sharing my body with yours. I dreamt of having sex with you so often I became frustrated. Like you I relieved myself with other fellas. I can only apologise; I guess the depth of my love caused me not to think straight. Then last Sunday my need to tell you, to kiss you, and to have you became demanding. I knew I couldn’t keep the secret any longer. I’m truly sorry, I’ve been stupid.”

“Tony, do you know how much I love you? No, you don’t! I love you with every speck of my body. Not just sexually, but something much deeper. Whilst I’m still learning about adult life, my love for you is very real, it’s not something you have to learn, because it just is. I think my Nanna sensed it too. Jesus Tony, I’m gonna cry.”

As Ryan began to sob, Tony took him in his arms and turning Ryan’s tear-streaked face upwards, kissed him tenderly. But immediately the dam broke and the two men locked together fiercely and passionately. Nature took hold as frustrated bodies ground together, each wanting to give more than the other. It wasn’t long before both men started to shudder as orgasms overwhelmed them. Still panting they broke apart, realizing what had happened.

“(Laughing) Quick get yer shorts off before you stain them. Cum stains are very noticeable. We can give both shorts a wash in the sink.”

“(Elated) I don’t care, really, I don’t care. Tony yer the man of me dreams. I can’t believe everything I’ve been fantasizing about has just come true. I don’t really care about the sex because I just love you so much. Here let me clean you up.”

With that Ryan dropped to his knees and took Tony’s softened penis in his mouth, suckling, draining, and swallowing any residual semen. Rather than being erotic, it became more an act of love.

Now completely nude, they kissed softly whilst mashing their naked bodies together. All Ryan’s woes disappeared with the sensation of melding himself to Tony. With two strong arms embracing him he knew he’d be with this man forever. His love had grown steadily over the past months; like a seed planted in fertile ground, his love grew from a tiny spec to a full-grown tree. From bonding as friends, their relationship grew into love, and physical desire for each other.

But the hour grew late and they both knew going home became a sensible thing to do. None the less,

“We’ve got so much to talk about, but not now. We’ll meet next Sunday as usual and then map out our future. But one thing is certain, I have to punish you for being such a Friday night slut. Be prepared.”

“Tell me when! On that score my body is yours Tony. You own me; anything you want to do to satisfy your needs, I’m prepared, I am, I want to be owned by you.”

On that note they went home.

<><><><>

16.2

Ryan fretted all through Saturday; it seemed Sunday would never arrive. When he turned up he found Tony waiting and looking incredibly sexy. His running shorts were a size too small and perhaps a little obscene because they showed his buttocks to perfection. Not only that, his muscled legs gleamed with power, whilst his singlet looked sweaty and a little used. Immediately Ryan’s sex drive ramped up several notches. For the first time, they appreciated each other as lovers, not just friends.

For several moments they just stared at each other. Two souls were they, two lost souls who’d found each other. Two souls who were experienced in matters sexual and furthermore knew what they wanted. Two souls who wanted just to please, comfort, and love the other person, asking nothing in return.

“(Sultry) How come, Ryan, you look so bloody sexy standing there. You can’t imagine how much you’ve captured my heart and mind. (Pause, shaking his head) Many a past night I’ve dreamed simply being with you; I . . . I . . . know what I want from you, but I don’t know how to satisfy your needs. What do you want of me boy-chick, what can I do to make you happy? I don’t know if it’s just the sex, but how can I truly make your life happy? What you see before you is yours. My whole soul, my physical being I lay at your feet. Shit! I must sound like some gushing female, but unless you’re blind I’ve got a fuck’n hard stiffie that needs treatment.”

“(Hesitantly) I told you I’m yours forever and I mean it. I want to be your boy, your man, your lover, not subservient but equal. I want to give you pleasure, not just physically, but to be by your side through your emotional up’s and downs. A moment like this probably, if we were sheilas, would require candles and soft romantic music. That’s not you and I. (Frankly) There’s only one activity that’s fitting now . . . and that’s for you to penetrate my body and leave your essence inside. Nothing else will be appropriate for this moment.”

Silence.

“Let’s go into the First Aid room, quickly.

And quickly they did.

“Don’t waste time with foreplay Tony, I’ll undress and you do the same. In terms of you and I, treat me as a virgin. I want to remember this moment, this day, this place, and what is about to take place.”

With tender haste Tony lined up his cock and slowly slid inside until he could penetrate no further. The heat of Ryan’s body added fuel to his desire, and the knowledge they were pledging each other made the moment so unique. Ryan felt the initial twinge of pain which quickly dissipated as Tony sank further inside.

With their bodies finally meshed together, Tony paused, looked down at Ryan, and receiving an affirmative nod, began to thrust. Each lunge brought greater pleasure than the previous and it wasn’t long before they both reached a wonderful climax. Ryan accepted Tony’s seed as reverently as would a Catholic, at communion, symbolically join with Christ’s body.

As testament to the wonder of the occasion, their bodies remained as one sharing passionate kisses, even after Tony’s penis lost its power. Gradually they disentangled and just looked lovingly at each other. Fundamentally and symbolically united, the subsequent run proved uneventful. But the day hadn’t ended yet. As they showered, now in the company of other members, Tony suggested they meet as soon as possible.

“We have a lot of stuff to talk about (Ryan nodded). How about we meet this arvo in the beer garden of the local pub, say about 2:30?”

For the rest of the day, Ryan just went about in a daze. The events of the last two days left him in a conflict between ecstasy and bewilderment. He knew what Tony wanted to talk about . . . like, where to now?”

As it happened, they met going into the back garden area and found a table with relative privacy. The beer garden at the local pub had room for about 100 people who sat around circular tables to enjoy their grog. Other bars such as the public bar had strict age criteria, but no such regulation applied to the beer garden. A great place for families to sit together with friends and enjoy a casual afternoon in summery weather. Nearly all males were bare from the waist up and provided plenty of eye candy.

With two schooners of good Aussie booze to lubricate the future, Tony started off,

“I hope you're as happy as I am (Ryan nodded) . Suddenly (taking a long drink of grog) I can see sunlight at the end of a long dark tunnel, but, of course, nothing is that simple. I’ll state our problems as I see them. ONE, I’m married; TWO, you’ve just turned eighteen and have yer studies to get through; THREE, what we are is still illegal; FOUR, your mother will be an obstacle; FIVE, we have nowhere to conduct our love; SIX, we can’t let our affair be public with the surf club; and . . . is there anything else you can think of?”

“(Earnestly) Yes, what about sex? I don’t wanna do beats and such anymore. You’re all I want, but let’s be practical, we’re both healthy males with normal sex drives. I mean how are we gonna handle sex?”

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s SEVEN, and let’s deal with that last . . . or maybe now. Shit, I don’t know. I mean, yes I agree with you. I don’t want anyone else but you Ryan, and I’ll certainly not do beats or any other form of casual sex. You’re It! How we’re gonna accomplish that, I just don’t know. I take it you agree?”

“Agree! (swallowing) You mean about committing to each other? Definitely. (Putting down his glass) I don’t want anyone else but you Tony. And before we go any further I’m not wet behind the ears, I’ve had casual encounters before. I suppose I’ve got a high sex drive and have had since I turned twelve. NO, yer my man and that’s that. What we gotta do is work out how we . . . you know!”

“Ok, (relieved) so we’ve both agreed that we don’t want casual sex with others. Ok, at least that’s positive. If you hadn’t agreed I would’ve been devastated. So let’s move to the first problem, my wife. (Ryan leaned forward so Tony could talk quieter) As I told you we don’t have a married, umm, a sexual life anymore. I’m gonna tell her I’m looking elsewhere, and she gets snarly, we’ll get a divorce. If she . . .”

“(Concerned) What if she chooses divorce and wants to name someone as . . . what’s the term, umm . . . correspondent . . . no, co-respondent, is it? (Tony nodded). If she finds out about me and names me in any divorce proceedings, our whole future comes undone. Yes?”

“(Concerned) Yes, so we have to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“How?”

“Boy-chick I don’t know. She won’t suspect that my lover is a male, she’ll assume you’re a female. I just have to play it right. I think I can . . . NO, I must!”

“(Sigh) Ok, so what was the second point?”

“(Relaxing) Ummm, Your studies. That’ll be easy. I’ll just keep tutoring you as we have already. You still want to be a Vet?”

“Hey, I’m empty. Let’s pause so’s I can get us refills. Here, hand me your glass.”

As Ryan left, Tony watched him work his way to the bar. As he passed several tables, blokes yelled their hello’s and it took some time for Ryan to reach the bar because of Ryan's popularity. Tony sat thinking.

Geeze just watching him weave his way across the garden gives me a thrill. A thrill to believe this wonderful sexy and good-looking young man is actually mine. He brought up a good point about sex. Seems I can’t live without him and he can’t without me. I don’t reckon I can go a week without being with him physically. No way! (sigh) We’ll find a way . . . we have to.”

Ryan returned with two foaming schooners of Resches light beer. A favourite for the lifesaving community.

“Ok, (taking a long swig of ice-cold beer) about me studies. Too true I still want to be a Vet, and you want to be a school teacher, right?”

“Yep, (Tony played with his glass) don’t worry about me because I’m still under contract for two more years. I’m glad you still want to pursue your career as a Vet. I’d feel guilty if you abandoned that. I confess I’m looking forward to helping you. In fact the tutoring angle gives us a perfect believable excuse to be together. I don’t think our relationship poses any threat on that score, Ok?”

“(Nodding) Yep, we got bigger things to worry about, like what’s next . . . my mother”

“Actually that’s five but let’s hit it now. She’ll only be a problem if she finds out, right?”

“Geeze yes. What if I told her I was a homo, would that help?”

“(Alarmed) Christ no! I don’t know yer mum but if what you say is true she’ll go berserk. No, definitely not!. You must keep her thinking you’re into girls, otherwise she’ll destroy us. Women can be very vindictive and poisonous. No, I’d play the study concept; it’s a valid reason you can’t go chasing females until you graduate. That’ll keep her quiet for a while. Also wouldn’t hurt if you arranged foursomes with yer mates from time to time.”

“(Thinking about Tony’s suggestion) Say what if you and I could make a foursome with two girls. (Not serious)That’d go over well wouldn’t it?”

“(Excitedly) Brilliant! We’ll just have to find a coupla lesbians to play the charade. I’ll think on it. I guess there’s many females just like you and me, so it would be a winner. Leave it to me.”

“Won’t it be difficult, I mean it’s not as if they are in the Yellow pages[2].?

“No, but same-sex girls, call themselves’ Friends of Dorothy’ so I’ll place an add in the local paper and see what happens. Don’t you worry yer pretty head, I’ll do it.”

“Alright . . . ummm, where are we now? I’ve lost count.”

“Yeah . . . Arrh, yeah about us being illegal. (sigh) Not much to say about that. I mean it’s unfair but we’ve gotta be realistic. Look what happened top that postie just recently, I don’t think either of us could survive going to jail. Poor bugger! (Yeah I know thought Ryan) All I can say is we mustn’t do anything to jeopardise our relationship. It’s a toughie.”

“I know, do you think we’ll ever be able to walk down the street hand in hand, kiss openly, or heaven forbid, get married?”

“(Scoffing) Not in our lifetime. Maybe sometime in the far, far future, certainly not now. Bloody religion is the problem. Right now churches have a lot to say about social matters; they’re dinosaurs and jealously protect their dogma. We ain’t gotta chance boyo, so no point trying to change the bastard’s attitude. We can rant . . .”

“Well, what are you two bludgers[3] doing sitting over here by yourselves ignoring yer mates?”

“G’day Billy, what’s the club captain doing; checking up on us?”

“No ya silly bludger. Saw the two of yer with yer heads together and wondered what mischief yer planning. C’mon over and join us. I’ve never really congratulated this young’un here for his bravery, so a coupla pints are on me. C’mon.”

“Ok, we were just finishing up. So we’ll follow in a tick and join you.”

“OK, see that you do.”

When Billy James left Tony continued hurriedly,

“Look the most important question we’ve got to cover is where do we conduct our relationship. Leave it to next week, eh?”

So they joined the club captain and the others in a beer pigswill. The last question posed a thorny issue and important to resolve. The thought of Gus’s empty caravan began to sprout and develop in Ryan’s mind. This meant he’d have to tell Tony about Gus. In any event, he’d have to come clean about their affair because it wasn’t fair to Tony to say nothing. Ultimately, it’d come out; better from him than from a gossip.

How would Tony react to me and Gus? This would test our relationship. I reckon Tony will be mad at first but hopefully, he’d understand.

After they’d joined the group, and once the initial banter finished, Ryan relegated himself to just listening. He thought again about his mother.

I’m bloody sick of hiding my true self from her. After all, what could she do? Would she make good on her threat to kick me out? I don’t think so. Me Nanna would’ve understood and me father . . .? Well, I reckon he’d just go along and not be judgemental. If she were to kick me out, would that be so bad? After all I’m earning a good wage and even paying her board which could go towards paying rent on me own digs. It might be a chance for Tony and me to move in together. That’s what we want ain’t it? Have to think a bit more . . .”

“Hey Ryan, it’s your shout. Just because you’ve hardly touched yer piss don’t mean you can escape your turn. We’ll . . .”

“(Laughing) Alright, alright, don’t get lathered up. How about you Billy, wanna give me a hand?”

<><><><>

16.3

“ . . . so there you have it. I suppose my confession might sound a bit sleazy, but at the time, I enjoyed the attention. Gus gave me something I hadn’t had before . . . a little bit of happiness.”

Silence. A silence of conflicting emotions. Ryan had summoned up his courage to be honest with Tony; there wasn’t a choice, he just couldn’t stay silent. If anything, Tony had a right to know, especially now they were committing to each other. Fuelled with liquid courage, he’d slid into the passenger seat of Tony’s car, and just let it all out. He didn’t plan, he hadn’t rehearsed, he just got it all off his chest.

All through Ryan’s discourse, Tony stayed silent, maintaining a fixed facial expression. Ryan had no idea how Tony felt, as his face hadn’t registered any emotion. Reaching the end he shut up, reasoning he shouldn’t say any more. None the less he became anxious at Tony’s silence. Then,

“(Slowly and softly) I’m not gonna say your story hasn’t affected me. It has. I’m not sure about my feelings because it’s a bit of a shock. Logically, I’m pleased you weren’t harmed by the affair. It seems this Gus has strong moral values and didn’t take advantage of a young teenager. I suppose he should get credit. (Sigh) As a human in love, I can’t say knowing you’ve indulged in experienced sex, is comforting. I suppose the real issue is . . . where do we go from here? I’ll just have to mull it over.”

“Of course, (choke) I can’t expect more. Even if my personal history may jeopardize our relationship, I’m glad I told you. (Earnestly) I don’t want to keep secrets because I love you. I can put my feelings for you and Gus side-by-side and say with absolute honesty, I only had a ‘friends with benefits’ type of relationship with Gus. With you it’s different because I love you. I just want you to know that Tony, I love you. Now, I’ll just have to wait for you to decide where we go from here. I’ll get me bike and scadoodle off home. (Holding back tears) . . . See ya!”

He watched as Tony started the car and drove away. He didn’t look back.

Ryan went home and fretted about what Tony would do.

If Tony told me he enjoyed a casual sex relationship with someone for some time before me, I guess I’d be a bit upset. I don’t know why I guess I just would. But it isn’t me who has to deal with it, it’s Tony. So why does it become a problem? I mean, it’s not a betrayal of trust ‘cause the affair happened long before we’d committed to each other. What then? He can’t be resentful because we were friends, ‘cause everybody has friends apart from their loved ones, don’t they? So what is the problem, why would having sex with anyone else be a problem? I mean Tony trolled the beats and had regular casual sex, and I don’t feel shitty. So what is it? Fer sure Gus and me had a relationship which couldn’t be classified as casual. NO, it became something more than that – a regular casual sex relationship between two friends. We didn’t love each other, not in the way I love Tony. So why would Tony feel upset, or I, for that matter, if the tables were turned?

I suppose it’s the nature of love itself. When we love another person we become vulnerable. Loving means giving, totally giving. Sex is simply the physical outlet for the emotion of love. But that’s crap! We indulge in sex because it’s a basic human need. Does it mean that after falling in love, any sex encounter before, and certainly after a declaration of love, is a form of betrayal? It’s not logical. Certainly having sex with someone else after a commitment is bad; that’s a given. Why then do sex encounters before commitment cause such trouble. Until recently having yer wife a virgin at marriage was so important that women went to great lengths to show blood-stained sheets. Shit it’s complicated, ain’t it? Do we, as a species, expect our life partners to come together as sexual virgins? Some do, some don’t.

It's a dilemma I can’t solve. Perhaps there isn’t a rational explanation because it all depends on each person, each flawed human being. The bottom line is Tony and I are testing our love for each other. Yes, it’s a test. I guess I’ve passed my test in that I love him so much I’d rather tell the truth than hide the truth, even though the truth may harm our relationship. I’ve put myself out on a limb. Now it’s up to Tony to determine if his love for me can withstand my truth. God, I hope so!

Ryan awoke from a troubled asleep because of a noise, a repeated noise. Still foggy, he realised stones were being thrown against his bedroom window. Thinking it could be Bluey or fatso, he became irritable and raised the window. Poking his head out he could just make out a male shape in the gloom, and snapped,

“Bloody hell whoever yer is, it’s the middle of the night and I don’t like being woken up . . .”

‘Ryan, it’s me, Tony. Can you come out, I need to talk to you.”

His heartbeat soared with anxiety. Surely this meant bad news. Tony has decided and didn’t want to waste time telling him.

“Is it so important you have to tell me now, in the middle of the night. I’ve been so miserable I couldn’t sleep. Now, when eventually . . .”

“Shut it boyo, just climb down, so we can talk.”

Oh Jesus this is bad.

He didn’t have any trouble climbing out the window, after all he’d been doing it for years. Now he stood before Tony clad only in pyjama bottoms.

“Well, get it over, I need to get back to sleep. Will you still be able to tutor me as we . . .”

“Shut up, I need to say something. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“You dropped a bombshell on me boychik. I’m sorry for being rude. The thing is I didn’t understand my reaction which was hurt, real live painful hurt. But then I started to think. You never got frothy about me doing the beat before I committed to you, so why should I? I didn’t have an answer. What you did with this Gus, is it so different to me having casual sex? If so, why? I didn’t . . .”

“Tony if yer gonna break it off please just say it and put me outta misery. I can take . . .”

“Jesus, will you stop interrupting and just hear me out. To continue, I couldn’t find an answer as to why your sexcapades with Gus were different than my own nocturnals. I honestly couldn’t find an answer. But then I thought about our commitment to each other. You had the guts to tell the truth even though it might jeopardize our relationship. That took courage. And then I thought about my own reaction. The question then became, did I value the degree of my love for you, against the pain I experienced after you’d told the truth?”

“Please Tony . . .”

“Sorry . . . the answer is my love for you is so great it swamps any other negative feeling. I know you’re not asking for forgiveness because there’s nothing to forgive. You done nothing wrong. In fact what you did was brave. I do love you Ryan and even though I’m probably a little jealous of your relationship with Gus, I love you too much to let that, or anything else, come between us . . . (Pause) There I’ve said it.”

Ryan had steeled himself to handle bad news so much that, as the realisation dawned on him, he suddenly relaxed and fell into Tony’s waiting arms. He swooned.

“Oh shit, ya stills wants me? It’s ok, yer not gonna ditch me because I’ve been bad, it’s gonna be OK?”

“Better than OK, we’ve just put our love for each other to the test and our love won out. I love you Ryan Seaton, my life, my body, and my soul is yours . . . forever.”

They fell against each other frantically kissing and grinding their pelvis together. At some point Ryan disengaged and said,

“I want you to fuck me, I want you to fuck me, so I can go to sleep with you inside me. Please, please Tony!”

What followed was a tender, thrilling, and moving act of commitment between two persons deeply in love. Their love for each other had truly been tested and passed.

<><><><>

16.4

Ryan, for the rest of the week, enjoyed supreme happiness. Nothing now stood in the way of their relationship, and the only unresolved issue being how to conduct themselves on a day by day basis without raising suspicion. His own thinking still inclined towards Gus’s caravan, or something like that. Moving out of home might be possible for him, but perhaps not so with Tony. After all he had a wife to consider. Even though he’d turned eighteen and by law able to conduct his own affairs, he didn’t want to make any precipitous decisions.

So come Sunday morning and after their run, shower, and change, they settled down to discuss the problem. Later in the morning, Tony had to report for Surf Boat rescue training, because soon they were to compete in a major Surf Carnival hosted by their club. Being a wonderful sunny day, they sat on the sand with their backs against a retaining wall.

“Been giving the practical side of us some thought. Before I put my sixpence[4] worth in, what are your thoughts boychik?”

“I know you don’t want to hear this but being with Gus in his caravan seemed real snug. The caravan had all the necessary conveniences and accommodated two people easy. I also thought about leaving home and the two of us renting a cheap flat, but that would involve you in making an unpleasant decision. I don’t believe yer ready to make a complete break with Paula are you?”

“(Regretfully) Oh we talked about it several weeks back but nothing’s taking place. I’ll try and bring it to a head this week but can’t see anything happening real soon. I dunno what’s in her mind, first she says yes, and then back-peddles. Women!”

“I can’t tell you what to do Tony, nor should I. From an outsider’s viewpoint, if the relationship is kerplunk, and sex is of no importance, for each person’s benefit you should cut the knot so both of you can move on. What if yer says you’ve found someone else and want yer freedom, what would she do?”

“Do? You don’t know much about women mister that’s for sure. She’d hit the roof, want names, want details about the number of times I happened to be unfaithful, and then kick me out. The husband always has to leave if he’s in the wrong; hell, even if he’s innocent he’d still have to vacate. That’s what would happen, so let’s not go there.’

“Jesus, she‘d do that?”

“Bet on it! I like the caravan idea though and also thought about getting a garage at one of those self-storage sites and setting it up appropriately. Your thoughts?”

“No, a caravan wins over a storage shed. I could get meself a cheap flat, but that means leaving home. Lady Clare would hit the roof, not because I’m leaving, but because she’d lose my rent money. I don’t know whether I’m ready for that upheaval. Sounds like a caravan is the winner.”

“Yes, seems like, but I’m not gonna use yer boyfriends caravan. Too many raw emotions there. Also, we’d have to find another site, because using the same caravan park would be dangerous. There’s plenty of other camping sites we can use, but they aren’t as close as the one near the dam.”

“Why can’t we use that site, after all it’s convenient for both of us. If we parked the van some ways from Gus’s site no one would take much notice . . . would they?”

“(Ruefully) No, I guess yer right? It’s just stupid me wanting to distance you from yer past. Come to think it would be a good way for me to put yer past away for good. I can do this.”

“So, it’s settled then – a caravan. How do we go about getting one? I mean neither of us has much ready cash, so how’d we purchase a van?”

“Most camping sites have caravans for rent because of the holiday demand. I’ll have a snoop around, but I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Agreed?”

“Agreed. Shit, I’m getting’ hard in anticipation. Our own love nest, eh?”

“Me too.”