Under My Skin - 9. Part I, chapter 9

- IX -

I moved in with Sam at the end of the first week of November, and I loved the feeling of living by myself. I was looking forward to finally graduating in late May, so I would finally be able to work full-time. Sam kept asking me about my plans for college, but I honestly told him that I didn’t have any.

“I’ll probably work at that store until the day I die,” I shrugged.

Sam hemmed and lit a cigarette.

“Well,” he said. “You draw really well. Have you considered art school?”

I almost laughed. I knew that I could draw pretty much anything, and I guess it looked okay, but I never even thought of it seriously. My father would always say that all those visions were sent by the devil, and every time I would doodle something on a piece of paper, he’d smack me hard.

“Drawing is not even a profession,” I said with a chuckle, and Sam shrugged.

“All the artists would probably stone you to death for saying that,” he said with a smile. “But really, Jake... You might wanna think of that. Selling cell phones is, sure, awesome...”

I snorted at that.

“...but you could get a job for a magazine or something. Seriously, Jake, you draw really well!”

“Thanks,” I shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”

At first, I decided to forget about the whole conversation, thinking that becoming an artist would be probably the dumbest idea I ever had, but then a couple of weeks later, I found myself drawing more and more. It felt like I found solace in a pencil and paper. I could draw for hours. I told Sam about that, and he rolled his eyes. “Uh huh,” he said. “It’s called inspiration, Jake.” Now I was thinking about an art school more and more often. I talked to Christy about that, and she immediately said that Sam was a genius.

“Do you wanna stay in the city or do you wanna move somewhere?” she asked excitedly. “I mean, I can think of at least two art colleges here...”

“Slow down, turbo!” I laughed. “I said I am thinking about it, not actually doing it!”

“You should,” Christy shrugged. “Sam’s right, you know...”

Yeah, I knew that they both were right. By the middle of November, I was almost positive that I would follow this idea through. I told Amber about it and she was really supportive. She spent almost every night at our with Sam’s apartment now, and to my utter amusement, she and Sam got along just fine. Amber was totally different lately. She would almost never say those awfully awkward things that she was so good at saying, and her entire attitude changed as well. She was softer somehow, more gentle. I told Christy about that, and she just sighed. “Summers,” she said patiently. “She is in love with you. And if you blow it, she’ll probably do something crazy. Remember, how I told you that I was sure she tried to kill herself? Yeah, I still think that I was right.”

I shrugged it off, thinking that I’d probably end up marrying Amber eventually. So it should be good, right? Right... The whole thing blew up in my face right after Thanksgiving.

Amber and I had a Thanksgiving dinner with her parents. I liked Amber’s parents. They were nice and really easy-going. I never felt awkward around them. After dinner, Amber said that she would probably spend the night at my place again, and her mother surprised me once more when she smiled and told us to have fun.

“You parents are amazing,” I said to Amber in the car, and she twisted her mouth in a bitter smile.

“Yeah, they are great,” she said quietly.

“I mean, they are so easy-going and open-minded... Seriously, I still can’t believe that they don’t mind that we are sleeping together.”

“They never cared,” Amber shrugged. “I told them that I slept with Mike when I was like, thirteen, and my mother bought me condoms the next day... I guess it sounds really great, but it always felt to me that as long as I didn’t bother them, I could do whatever the hell I wanted...”

Now I felt uncomfortable.

“I guess everything’s good in moderation,” I muttered without taking my eyes off the road. “My parents are insanely religious and I would get all shit kicked out of me every time I had a wet dream... Yours are totally opposite and it doesn’t make you happy either...”

“Yeah, life is full of surprises,” she said solemnly, and I laughed softly at that.

That night Sam wasn’t home. He left to see his parents for a couple of days, so Amber and I had the whole place to ourselves. We started making out in the kitchen after we had a couple of glasses of wine each, and ended up on the floor in the living room. I don’t know if the wine had anything to do with what happened, or maybe my brain just got overloaded, but right after I collapsed on top of Amber, my body shaking, I felt her go completely rigid under me.

I propped myself up on my palms and looked at her with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” I muttered and she just stared at me with wide eyes, her face suddenly white as a sheet. “What is it, Amber?”

She pushed me away and sat up.

“Oh, now you remember my name?” she asked angrily, and I froze.

“What are you talking about?”

She laughed shrilly.

“Oh my fucking God, Jake! You didn’t even notice, did you?!”

“Notice what?” Oh, this did not look good.

She stared at me and a single tear crawled down her cheek.

“You kept saying over and over I love you, Alex,” she said in an eerily calm voice, and I wanted to kill myself.

I always said that in my head, every single time. I didn’t realize that I actually said it out loud tonight.

“Amber...” I muttered, and she got up and started putting on her clothes.

“Who is Alex?” she said in a shaky voice. “Which one is she...? Is it someone from your store?”

I buried my face in my palms. I should’ve just jumped off that bridge back in September, I thought. Amber pulled on her jeans.

“Tell me, Jake,” she said a bit louder, tears streaming down her face. “Is she blonde? Or do you have a thing for brunettes? Tell me, damn you!”

I couldn’t do this any longer. I mean, she would hate me now no matter what, might as well just tell her the truth, right? I slowly lowered my hands and looked at her.

“Amber...” Oye, this was too damn difficult.

“Spit it out,” she sneered. “Go ahead!”

“Amber, I am gay,” I said and was amazed at how calm I felt.

She stared at me and then slowly shook her head.

“Wow,” she said. “This is the lamest break-up line ever... You should be proud of yourself!”

I just looked at her silently, and she slowly sat down on the couch.

“Oh my God...” she whispered. “Oh my God... You are not lying, are you?”

I shook my head. She blinked rapidly.

“So this whole time... You were... Oh my God... Wait,” she shook her head. “Who is Alex...?”

Suddenly, she jumped on her feet and stared at me with horror.

“Alex Landon?!” she cried and I closed my eyes. “Jesus!! This whole time you were imagining that you were screwing Landon?!”

“Amber...”

“Don’t!” she screamed. “Don’t say anything!!”

I got up and pulled on my jeans.

“Amber...” I walked closer to her, and she pulled away from me so quickly like I was contagious.

“Don’t... touch me...” she muttered. “Don’t ever touch me again... And don’t talk to me... Just... Just don’t, okay?”

She quickly picked up her bag from the chair and ran to the front door. I followed her.

“Amber, please... Don’t go, please! Look, this whole thing is...”

“Shut up!” she hissed and pulled on her coat. “Leave me alone, Jake! I am sorry I don’t have a dick, okay?!”

“Amber...” I closed my eyes. “Don’t go... Let me at least...”

“Go fuck yourself, Summers!” she said with feeling and slammed the door in my face.

I slowly went back into the living room and wondered if Sam had a gun somewhere in the apartment. I almost called Christy, but then realized that it was almost two in the morning. Then I was wondering if I should just get really drunk, and at first, it sounded like a great idea, but then I realized that I would probably end up puking my guts out, and it would make everything even worse. So I just sat on the couch the entire night and stared into the wall.

Sam got home at seven in the morning, and I was still sitting on the couch.

“You okay?” he frowned.

“No,” I said numbly. “Amber broke up with me last night.”

He sighed and sat next to me.

“She found out, huh...” he said softly and I stared at him with horror.

Sam sighed again.

“Jake,” he said patiently. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Did Christy tell you...?” I muttered, feeling suddenly cold.

“No,” he said simply. “I knew it the minute I saw you.”

“Sam,” I said very calmly and he looked at me. “Do you have a gun?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Oh for the love of God...You can’t be serious.”

“Do you?” I asked again, and he grimaced.

“No,” he said. “I don’t have a gun. Look, Jake... It was pretty dumb of you to lie to Amber...”

“Thank you,” I said sincerely.

“But,” he continued calmly. “It’ll be even dumber if you blow your brains out because of this whole thing. So you are gay, big deal! It’s like killing yourself because you were born with brown eyes instead of black,” he shrugged. “Seriously, Jake. It’s not like you are in charge of it.”

I buried my face in my palms.

“Sam...” I muttered. “I am such a mess that it’s not even funny...”

“Have a crush on a straight guy, huh?” he hemmed, and once again, I stared at him.

“Are you telepathic or something?” I demanded and he just laughed.

“No,” he said. “But I’ve been there before.”

“Oh yeah?” I said with a slight interest. “And...?”

“It sucked,” he said seriously. “But it passed eventually.”

“What if it doesn’t pass?” I asked quietly and he shrugged.

“Then you are screwed,” he said simply, and for some bizarre reason, it made me feel better.