Baby, it's cold outside! - 4. Chapter 4 (The Talk)

Chapter Four

Peter is standing in front of the window, staring outside, his hands shoved deep in his jeans pockets, when I come back to my room .

He hasn’t noticed me yet, which is why I startle him when I say, "Two shots of espresso, cream, no sugar, right?"

“You still remember how…." He smiles wistfully.

"Of course. It’s been six years, not sixty."

"Okay. I'm just glad …shit!" He runs his hand through his hair almost desperately.

I settle myself on the desk chair, swivel around, and look at him expectantly. When he stays silent for some minutes, I remind him, "You know I have a train to catch at 4:20?"

He seems to come out of a daze, rubs his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose several times, and then sighs. "I had hoped to get a chance to explain the situation to you for so long. In my head I rehearsed it again and again, and now I don't know where to begin.”

“When in doubt, starting with the beginning is always a good idea,” I snark. It doesn’t feel as good as I thought, though.

“All right. The beginning. My father had my life planned since the day I was born. Study law, take the bar, become a partner, and take over the family business. And I didn't fight it; on the contrary. When I was in high school and even still in law school, I naively saw myself defending the weak or fighting for the wronged. Erin Brockovich much, right?” Peter laughs derisively. “I did several internships, two of them for the law firm I ended up working for when we met. David, one of the partners, is a frat brother of my dad’s. I had to work hard, maybe extra hard, and had all the shitty jobs and clients. Anyway, some of my friends still called it an unfair shoo-in. After two years of working at one of the firm’s overseas branches, he deemed me ready to take on the big cases. Dad was proud of me, and so was I."

Peter sips his coffee and finally turns away from the window to look at me. "Then I met you at that alumni-meet-students party. There we were, the cool young lawyers mingling with the equally cool lawyers-to-be, and there were you guys, the weird geeky science students and their Dr. Geeks. You stood out the minute I saw you making color changing cocktails. What did you call it again?”

“Titration.”

“I drank one of those god-awful sweet cocktails, a hook-up firmly on my mind. Then you enthusiastically explained to me how you made the colors change. I understood not a word, but fell for you a little, while you were waving your hands around. I had to get your number. Well, you know the rest. One of the happiest moments of my life was when you decided to move in with me."

He comes over, squats down in front of me, and looks into my eyes. "Tristan, you have to believe me. I loved you…” He swallows. “I still do, even though I fucked everything up."

He gets up again and goes back to the window to lean against the window sill.

“When I was twenty-one, my father had a lunch meeting in the town where I went to university. He wanted to see me and invited me and my girlfriend for dinner afterwards. I thought it would be a good opportunity to introduce him to my boyfriend. It was a very pleasant evening. Adrian and my father really hit it off.

“Early the next morning, Father called me and asked me if I wanted to have breakfast with him at his hotel before he had to fly home. Over eggs Benedict, hash browns, and coffee, he made perfectly clear to me that he wouldn’t be able to support me anymore, if I didn’t change my lifestyle. To say I was dumbfounded would put it mildly. Never had my father come across to me as a homophobe. Neither had my mother, who he said would fully support his decision. Of course, he was right about this.

“Father insisted he wasn’t a homophobe per se. He said he couldn’t care less what I did with whom in bed. He claimed it was merely a business decision. With his clients, having an openly gay son, not to say a partner in the firm, would equal economical suicide. He matter-of-factly admitted that his decision was neither politically correct, nor what idealists thought they could expect from their family. He stated he wasn’t ready to squander his life’s work away for my amorous escapades. If I couldn’t keep it in my pants, he would be forced to disown me.”

I can’t believe he never told me any of this. “What did your boyfriend say to this?”

“Adrian and I weren’t serious, and after I told him everything, he immediately suggested we break up. He said I would be an idiot to give up a shoo-in like that over mere principles. He rationalized my father could mellow and change his mind over time, and as long as I hadn’t met the love of my life, it wouldn’t be worth losing my career over. I could always hook-up with guys in secret, use a beard if needed. He actually suggested his sister.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this? I always wondered why your parents never came by the apartment when they visited.”

"It never mattered until I met you. I actually took Adrian up on his offer and invited his sister to some family functions. My parents believed me reformed and all was well."

“How can you say this?”

"It was easy. What my parents demanded from me was wrong; therefore, I had no problem lying to them.”

He’s standing in the middle of the room, lost in his thoughts, before he looks at me again. “Now about that awful day when it started to matter. Do you remember the afternoon we met Ben and June and their friends at the mall?”

“When we saw And Then We Danced?”

“Exactly. I think David, one of the partners, watched Nomadland. Anyway, on Monday he had nothing better to do than telling me that he saw us, me and my boyfriend, at the movies. I pretended not to know what he was talking about.”

“Would it have been an issue?”

“No, David is an equal opportunity guy. He hooks up with men and women; he wouldn’t have cared. But knowing Father, he probably filled David in on the problem. If he had suspected anything, he would have used it either as leverage, or to get on my father’s good side.

“I knew Kat had overheard that particular conversation, when I saw her expression after David left my office.

“I don’t know why I did it, but when she asked me if everything was okay, I explained my situation to her. Not in detail, but she got the gist of what was at stake. After a while, she suggested acting as my not-so-secret girlfriend to diffuse any rumors. When David didn’t stop mentioning my boyfriend, I finally took her up on her idea. We came up with the plan. We knew the firm’s biggest gossip would be on the train; she had yammered about her dentist appointment the entire day. So, we arranged to be found out by her. It was the quickest way to get the news to David.

“Now I know it was a stupid plan. The only explanation I have is that I panicked. Everything I'd worked so hard for would have been in vain if David would have told my father what he thought he saw.”

“And that would have been bad?”

“Not as bad as it got. I didn’t tell you this as an excuse. What I did was wrong. I was a fucking coward."

By now Peter is pacing through the room. "And then everything went to shit. You called and cancelled dinner. It was our one-year anniversary, and you seemed to have forgotten about it. I had everything planned. I even bought a gift. I was so anxious to see your reaction, and then you had to study. I tried to understand; I knew how important it was for you to get good grades and ace all your exams. But then you didn’t even want to see me in the morning. I could have given you your gift, and… whatever. Of course, I didn't know then, that you saw me with Kat and overheard her conversation with Vera. I was at a loss. I tried to reach you on the phone many times, but you never answered it. I was worried sick the whole weekend."

Peter sits down on the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, and hides his face behind his hands.

“While I was looking for your gift, I caught myself perusing rings. I only decided against one, because you told me wearing lab gloves over a ring would be a bitch. But then I found a silver Möbius strip pendant, engraved with To thine own self be true written in Shakespeare’s script. I thought it was perfect for you, still a ring, but with a science-y twist.

“Fortunately, the negotiations were more difficult than I expected and took longer. It was a good excuse for shortening our visit with my parents.”

“So, you really went along with that part of the plan?” I can’t hide my irritation.

“I had to. David talks with my father on a regular basis. It would have looked suspicious if we had skipped it, especially when we were in the same city. I was between anger and worry the entire weekend. When I came back and all your stuff was gone. I couldn't think of why you left me all of a sudden. The only explanation I had was that you found someone else. I was devastated. And then Kat called. We went out. I don’t remember much of it, other than I got completely sloshed. I was sure you left me for another man. I was angry and in my drunken, brainless mind, it was perfectly logical to try the hetero thing. Being gay only caused trouble and pain. Last, but not least, I slept with her. That, and I’m utterly embarrassed to say this, I was sure if you’d ever find out about, would hurt you the most.”

He's right about this. It hurts, even after all those years.

“Two months later, Kat told me she was pregnant. She insisted it was mine. As termination wasn’t an option for her, she planned to put the child up for adoption. Then she offered the child to me if the paternity test proved it was mine.

“Of course, I agreed. This was probably my one-time chance to have a kid of my own. Kat’s only conditions were, I pay for everything, accept sole custody, and that she could name him Tyler. He was born on Christmas Eve. I was the happiest man in the entire universe.

“When you called on New Year's Eve, Kat was only visiting to bring me my son.” Peter lifts his hands placatingly. “I know I said I was on the way to my engagement party. I don’t have an excuse for that, maybe some kind of defensive reflex or whatever. Or being a petty idiot again.

“When you told me you overheard that awful conversation between Kat and Vera, I finally understood why you left me. Therefore, maybe as an amendment, I don't know, I wanted to give him your name also. If you hadn’t left me, I wouldn't have him. That’s why he's called Tristan Tyler or TT for short.”

Tristan!

Peter smiles, when he sees my shocked expression “And I believe you already met him."

Maybe he caught my eye, because he seemed somehow familiar? He touched my heart with those sad, bright blue eyes. "Little Tristan is your son? Oh my God. I'd never have guessed. Then his Christmas wish…."

"His Christmas wish? He insisted he had to go to the mall and tell Santa his Christmas wish. Oh yes. I know, he wants this Captain-I-don't know-what-he's-called thingy, which is already sold out for weeks. I tried to get it for him, but no chance. Well, I see you keep looking at your phone. I'm almost done. I miscalculated, and I lost you because I didn’t realize what was important in my life. That has changed. My son and his happiness are the most important things in the world now. For him, I changed my life. I came out to my family. We proclaimed a truce, sort of, because they want to be in contact with their grandson. Adrian and I have our own law firm.”

“Oh!” That came out unexpectedly.

“Yeah. I met him by coincidence at a conference. We realized we still have a lot in common when we talked about where we originally wanted to be in our life then.

“I can finally do what I always wanted with my law degree. I'm much happier. All I need now is someone to share it with."

Is he implying ...? Even if—. I can't do it. Too much has happened, too much is broken. I hate to destroy the hope I can see clearly shimmering in his eyes, but there is no future for us. Not because of what he did, but because of what I did.

Goaded by my pride, I destroyed our relationship. If I’d trusted him, talked to him, asked him about what I overheard instead of jumping to conclusions and running away, we might still be together. I fucked up abysmally. At least he got TT out of my stupidity.

"Tristan…would you…I mean, could you… maybe consider to…oh God. I'm so sorry, I'm really, truly sorry. I just hoped, that we somehow, that we just…shit."

I have to end this before I agree to something I will regret later when I can think rationally. "Peter, I hope you'll find this someone you can share your new life with. TT is a great little guy; he really loves you and cares for you." I look at my phone again. "Well, I think I have to go call a cab to get to the train station. I don't want to miss my train…home. Good bye, Peter."

Sorry for keeping you waiting. 
I appreciate any form of reaction and comment immensely. Thank you for reading.
As always  @Valkyrie for your help and advice. 
Ooookay. To make up for the teasing, I will post the remaining two chapters next week: Monday and Wednesday.