The Next Stage - 17. Family

Ryan walks out the massive glass doors of the hospital with his daughter wrapped securely in the safety of his arms. They had a long time to get used to the idea that they would at some point be taking a baby back to their house, but this felt completely surreal. Out in the fresh air, the morning sunlight was shining down on them as they stepped out of the secure little bubble they had been in since her birth, into a world of stress. If they could conquer crossing the street, it would be an achievement. Having a baby really made everything around them seem much more dangerous.

"It feels like I am stealing her."

"Right? They just trust us to keep her alive until she can do it herself. They watched us flailing for the last day and a half and their interpretation was that we have got this parenting thing down and don't need one or all of those nurses to come home with us." Jasper grins, making his way across the street with the last of the bags. He'd already made two trips to the car to pack away the ridiculous amount of stuff they had packed for two nights stay. He unlocks their car and opens the back passenger door for Ryan.

"I feel like we're forgetting something." Ryan sighs, slipping in the back seat and delicately placing the tiny baby in the car seat.

"I know. I wish we could fit the entire maternity ward into the back seat and take them home with us." Jasper smiles and climbs in the other side to help Ryan strap her into the seat.

"You want to bring all those screaming women and their babies home with us?" Ryan asks sarcastically. Jasper rolls his eyes and passes Ryan the car keys. "What, you don't want to drive us home?" Ryan asks with a smile.

"No thanks, I'm going to sit here and keep an eye on this angel." Jasper answers, not taking his eyes off her as he does up his seat belt. Ryan wanted to sit in the back too, but there was something that also felt very powerful about driving his family home. Besides, he loved seeing Jasper so adoring. All the stress leading up to this moment, his break down about not being ready and all the doubts that had filled Ryan just vanished from the moment Jasper held her for the first time. Ryan could see it in the way Jasper's eyes had glistened with proud tears when he held her in his arms. From that second on, he had been such a natural.

"Fine. You'll have to tell me everything she does while I'm driving, though. I don't want to miss anything." Ryan moves to the front seat and starts the car.

"She did that face where she looks like she is going to cry, then just goes back to being asleep," Jasper tells him.

"Oh no, did the car engine scare her?"

"She's fine. Take us home, daddy~" Jasper calls out, then frowns and slowly turns to make eye contact with Ryan through the rear-view mirror. A slightly mortified expression on his face at what he'd just called Ry.

Ryan was not prepared for how it sounded for Jasper to call him that. On one hand, it felt full of love and warmth. He was a dad now, and he'd have to get used to being referred to as one. On the other hand, Jasper just called him 'daddy', and he could only hope he'd not get so surprisingly turned on every time that not intentionally sexy title comes out of Jasper's mouth. He shakes his head, trying to stop the crisis his thoughts had just fallen into, so daddy could take them home.

***

Jasper unlocks the front door and holds it open as Ryan walks inside cradling their daughter, who had woken up again when he'd taken her out of the car. Thankfully, she wasn't crying. Her eyes squinted against the brightness of the daylight, so Ryan held a hand over her head to shade her. It's lucky Jasper has the door open for him or he would have walked right into it, unable to take his eyes off hers.

"I feel like the cliche' would be to say 'welcome home', but since we're intending on moving before you have formative memories, there's really no point," he says as he brings her inside.

"Great speech," Jasper laughs, slipping his arms around Ryan's waist, resting his chin on his shoulder and looking down at his baby. "So, now what?"

"I just figure I'm going to hold her until she's 18," Ryan shrugs.

"You do that, I'm going to food prep for the next 18 years." Jasper smiles and places an affectionate kiss on Ryan's shoulder. A huge part of him didn't want to leave them, even to go into the next room, but he had a rush like he had to be doing something productive right now. He could spend tomorrow just staring at her while Ryan took his sleep deprived self to a full day of dance. He's buzzing with energy, but when he opens the fridge, he can't concentrate on planning any meals. His entire head is just screaming to go back and be with Ryan and their daughter.

"One of us should probably nap, since we're going to be tired for the next decade," Ryan suggests as Jasper walks back over with two bottles of water, placing one beside Ryan and sitting next to him on the couch.

"We should invite everyone over and get the introduction out of the way so we can lock the door and enjoy our family in its new chaotic peace for the next few weeks," Jasper suggests.

"Not the worst idea. Get them around for the afternoon so we can rest now while she sleeps."

"Come meet the baby, then fuck off and leave us alone." Jasper whispers, lying down across the couch with his head on Ryan's thigh.

"Maybe don't invite people like that." Ryan suppresses a laugh as he places the baby on Jasper's chest, a hand resting on her back and the other playing with Jasper's hair.

"That's exactly how I'll invite Leo." Jasper says, taking Ryan's hand, kissing his wrist and entwining their fingers. "Family nap time," he whispers, possibly already asleep before he finishes speaking. Ryan gives a yawn in agreement and rests his head back, closing his eyes and enjoying the peace and comfort of being home with the family.

***

In the four hours they had been home, they had not put her down. They just swapped who was holding her. It's as though they thought the moment someone put her down, their newborn bubble would just explode and they would realise how scary their responsibility of raising a kid forever is.

"Oh, my god guys! She's adorable." Beth whispers, pouting as she gazes at the sleeping baby cradled in Jasper's arms.

"I have about 500 photos on my phone of her already and at least 98% of them she's in the same position pulling the same face. I'm not even going to show you, because you won't care at all. But I look at her face and have to take pictures of it. This kid is so effortlessly perfect it physically hurts me." Jasper sighs, taking his phone out to show a sweet photo he'd taken of Ryan holding her asleep against his bare chest. "These two are mine."

"For Ryan's kid, he really didn't get a look in on her features, did he? Usually babies are born looking more like their dad, or is that just with boys?" Luke asks as he looks between their faces.

"Actually, she has Ryan's hair and eye colour. So she's all me, but with his eyes. I'm going to be screwed when she realizes I can't say no to those big brown eyes. I already want to punch myself every single time she looks at me because I just know I'm in for it." Jasper sighs lovingly, brushing his pinky finger against her soft cheek.

"She does! Oh god that's too much." Beth covers her mouth with a hand, eyes glistening with tears.

"She also has a dimple in just this cheek."

"Stop it. I'm going to melt!"

"Cluck, cluck, cluck." Fi turns to Luke. Luke smiles and wraps an arm around her waist.

"Can auntie Beth have a cuddle?"

Jasper laughs and holds her out for Beth. "You've only been waiting since you walked in."

"I've been waiting since the announcement!" Beth grins, taking the baby carefully into her arms. "She's so tiny it feels like I'm holding nothing!" Beth whispers, barely containing her happiness as tears fill her eyes. "Aww Jasper. She's so perfect. Ugh, look at her tiny squishy nose!"

"Enjoy your cuddles while they last. Once the grandparents get here, no one else is going to have any chance. That's why I've organized you all to be here before they are turning up." Jasper smiles as he stands back, watching everyone stare in awe.

"Are your parents coming?" Ryan frowns, passing Jasper a tea.

"Of course."

"I thought you said they didn't support us having a baby."

"When did I say that?" Jasper turns to him, confused.

Ryan watches him with consideration, then massages his shoulders gently. "Nevermind. I'm glad they are coming."

Jules is predictably over the moon and bawling her eyes out the second she walks in to find her only child holding his own crying child.

"Oh, give her here. She's beautiful." Jules reaches her arms out to take the screaming newborn.

"She's due for a feed, that's why she's screaming. Jas is just making her a bottle." Ryan gives a nervous smile. He hated hearing her cry. Thankfully Jasper returns like a hero, shaking the bottle and handing it to Jules to nurse.

"Oh boys, she is just phenomenal. I always wanted a baby girl. Getting to be a nana to one is even better! Have you chosen a name yet?" Jules asks. Ryan slips his arm over Jasper's shoulders and nods at him to tell her.

"We aren't naming her, we are going to let her choose her own identity when she's older," Jasper states.

"Seriously?" Luke asks.

"Yep. We're progressive like that." Jasper shrugs and Ryan rolls his eyes, about to reassure his confused mum that they had indeed named their daughter, when Leo turns up, over an hour late for their impromptu get together.

"Oh look, that thing finally came."

"Oh look, that thing finally came." Jasper mocks back at him. "You can't rush perfection, can you Jazzy." Jasper smirks as silence falls among the couple's friends.

"Jasmyn spelt with a 'y'. Half of Jasper's name and half of mine." Ryan explains with a loving smile. He adored the name. It felt as though they had just named her with every single piece of love they had for each other.

"Combining parts of your names and giving to a human, now that feels like a commitment you can't back out of." Jasper jokes.

"What does the 'M' stand for?" Leo asks.

"The 'M' stands for, 'my daughter's name is fucking beautiful so don't question it', ok?" Jasper snaps.

"Ok." Leo laughs.

"Jasmyn Reid or Jasmyn Kurtis?" Jules sounds like she is practicing the names.

"Jasmyn Blake. We chose a new surname for her, since we both kept ours when we married. So her full name is Jasmyn Elizabeth Blake." Jasper smiles as he glances over at Beth.

"Guys, that's so sweet. Oh, welcome to the world, Jasmyn Elizabeth Blake." Beth can no longer hold back her emotions as she wraps her arms around Jasper tightly. "I'm so honored and I know he would be too."

"The name thing is probably for the best with your sex scandal unfolding." Leo teases Jasper.

"Thanks for bringing that up in front of my husband's mum at the welcome baby gathering." Jasper rolls his eyes at Leo.

"Sorry. Are you doing ok?" Leo asks a little quieter. Jasper turns and walks towards the kitchen, glancing behind to check if Leo was following him.

"So she isn't carrying on the family name?" Jules asks, visibly disappointed.

"We wanted her to have her own identity outside of us and give her the best chance to have a normal life despite our public lives. We want to keep her safe from the media so it made sense to not tie her down with our surnames." Ryan replies, kissing his mum on the cheek. "Hello, by the way."

"Hello darling, I'm so proud of you. How are you both coping?"

"Jasper's a natural with her. I was worried about leaving him alone tomorrow while I start this new job, but I think I'm projecting because I don't want to leave them. He'll be fine," Ryan yawns.

"You're going to be exhausted. Don't burn yourself out." Luke advises patting Ryan on the back. "Take it easy at home, alright. Your house is just going to be messy for the next two years anyway, so be realistic. It's not about how much you can do. It's about how much is worth doing. Fi and I have a stack of paper plates and wooden cutlery for you guys, to take the pressure off dishes."

"Order groceries to be delivered," Fi adds. "Though if Jasper's the stay at-home parent, don't be surprised if he wants to go out and physically get things because he's going to get so stir crazy."

"I will babysit any time you need." Beth offers with a grin.

"Oh, me too. And I'll do your laundry so don't worry about that." Jules adds.

"Thank you all so much. I appreciate all the advice and offers. We do want to just settle in and see how we go. That's why we wanted to get everyone together to meet Jazzy, because we need time as a family to just get to know this new life." Ryan felt overwhelmed with love and support, but he and Jasper didn't want to rely on everyone else. They wanted to prove they could do this alone. It's only now that Ryan notices Jasper and Leo aren't there and he excuses himself to find them.

"...so it's a good thing she was late because it gave me time to adjust to the meds and for Ry and I to sort things out. I think it was actually the first day I felt mostly useful again." Jasper is sitting on the kitchen bench talking to Leo and eating sour candies he'd brought from a vending machine at the hospital at 3am to keep himself awake.

"You still probably shouldn't have driven." Leo states.

"The driving was fine, the parking was pretty bad." Ryan joins in, walking over to Jasper's side. "You ok?"

"Are you aware that Jasper has never seen the musical Chicago?"

"You're really just out to throw me under the bus with everyone today, aren't you?" Jasper throws a candy at Leo. "You think just because you're not working for me anymore, that you don't have to keep everything I say or do confidential."

"Leo's leaving us," Jasper shrugs, changing the subject. "This bitch, we have a baby and he just assumes it's time to get a new job. He's off to Australia to PA some singer he slept with while we were over there. Bet he doesn't pay as well as me though."

"Free accommodation in Bondi for a year, with sexual bonuses. That's not a pay cut, that's a dream," Leo replies. Jasper throws another candy at him, that frustratingly Leo also catches.

"Jasper, your parents are here." Beth interrupts them.

"Oh right. I forgot about them. We're the worst parents, just walking off and leaving our daughter in a room full of strangers. Come on." Jasper jumps down from the bench, takes Ryan's hand and kisses him swiftly before leading him from the kitchen, back into the living room where Jasmyn is contently snuggled in Jules' arms, being stared at by Jasper's awkward parents.

Ryan had his doubts about how this would go, but Jasper had seemed to confuse his fears about them being unsupportive, with reality during his manic episode the other week. Ryan was also trying not to be furious with them for not noticing Jasper's mental health problems and just shipping him off to another country instead of getting him proper help. Jasper's parents are talking politely to Jules, who is yet to pass the baby to them. She doesn't look even close to offering the other grandparents a chance to cuddle Jazzy. They are all so busy staring at her they don't even see Jasper and Ryan approaching them.

"Ryan." Jasper's dad unexpectedly extends a hand to shake his with a firm grip. "How are you?"

"I'm great, thank you. How are you?" Ryan asks. His question is ignored, though Ryan's glad to not have to drag out small talk with his in-laws. The handshake was uncomfortable enough. He wanted to give them credit, that they were being not rude, but he'd not been part of whatever redemption journey they had with Jasper. To him, it was hard to forget being kicked out of his own apartment so they could trick Jasper into a conversion therapy. He knew they had been making changes and improving their relationship with Jasper, but he was still bitter enough to feel slightly satisfied at the thought of how many times he'd gotten Jasper off with the same hand he'd just used to shake his father's hand.

"Goodness, you can tell who her father is. She looks exactly like you did when you were born. Can I have a hold?" Jasper's mum asks with a genuinely sweet smile. Ryan gestures at his mum to hand over the baby, which she does with some reluctance.

"You're the father, aren't you?" Jules asks in an urgent whisper as Ryan leads her away to let them have their own time together.

"They don't know Grace was the surrogate and I don't think he wants them to know, so don't say anything. I'm not interfering in the relationship he has with them, so it's up to him what he does and doesn't want them to know about. Who cares who they think the biological parent is? His family is complicated, so I'm letting him lead it his way."

"They look like they are trying now, at least." Jules replies with a shrug.

"I can't imagine ever putting Jasmyn through what they have put Jasper through, and I have only been a parent for a couple of days."

"How long do I have to let them hold Jasmyn for? I'm itching to get my hands back on that little sweetheart." Jules sighs, not happy with having to share the grandbaby.

"Mum, at what point does it stop feeling completely surreal that you have made a whole human that's part of yourself?" Ryan asks.

Jules turns to him with a smile. "It never does. It still blows my mind that I was 18, single and pregnant. I must have done something very right to raise a man as kind and compassionate as you. I don't know how I did it, but I'm incredibly proud of who you've grown up to be, and I can't wait to see who you raise. You deserve for Jasmyn to have the beautiful temperament you have."

"What do you think the odds are that she can look so much like Jas, but not share the same type of emotional traits?" Ryan asks with a smile, already resigned to the fact that Jasmyn was going to have Jasper's attitude and her teen years would be a nightmare.

***

Everyone leaves right at the start of witching hour. It hits like a freight train. No matter what either of them did, for a whole hour of the evening, Jasmyn cried. Ryan stood in the shower holding her, and she hated it. Jasper sung to her, and she screamed louder. Bottles were had, nappies were changed and nothing helped until Jasper strapped her to him in a baby carrier Grace had left them at the baby shower and vacuumed the entire house. Somehow, that put her to sleep, and they called it a win despite now both having a headache.

The best investment was noise cancelling headphones for whichever one of them needed the sleep more. Tonight, that was Ryan. Jasper only slept in the bed with Ryan until Jasmyn's first feed was due, which happened to be only two hours after they'd finally gotten her to sleep. Luckily, he manages to fall asleep in the rocking chair in the nursery and gets a few hours of sleep with her snuggled against his chest. It's a broken and shallow sleep, too hyper aware of the tiny human in his arms that he's petrified of dropping to relax and sleep deeply. But it's better than nothing.

Even still, the moment Jasper woke to Jasmyn mouthing at his shoulder, trying to find a food source, he's filled with exhausting happiness. He makes up a bottle for Jazzy and a tea for himself, then heads back up to check if Ryan is awake yet. Jasper lets him sleep just a little longer, considering it'd be a massive day for him as it is, without the added tiredness of a first night at home with their baby. He tiptoes out and sits out on the veranda, watching the sunrise with his girl. Meanwhile, Ryan wakes up and just relaxes in bed, enjoying the sight. He could get used to this parenting thing.

"Oh, thank you, that's delightful." Jasper says, standing up and holding Jazzy out from him. He turns around and makes eye contact with Ryan, relaxed, well rested, and not covered in baby vomit. "Little help please, sleeping beauty?" he calls out with a laugh.

Ryan sits up, trying not to show Jasper how funny this was to him. "I don't even know where to start. Do you need a towel or..."

"Take the baby so I can shower. She might need another bottle since I'm wearing that last one."

"I don't want her to throw up on me." Ryan grimaces as he hesitantly gets up to help.

"And you think I wanted her to throw up on me?"

"Better you than me."

"Blow me." Jasper rolls his eyes, passes Ry the baby, and strips off right there in front of him on the veranda.

"I'm so in love with you and watching you with our daughter is so attractive, but there's nothing I want to do less right now, in this moment," Ryan says, trying to keep himself from laughing at the exhaustion on Jasper's face.

"Where's my good morning kiss?" Jasper asks teasingly, stepping closer to Ryan.

"After your shower. After your shower. Jasper, don't!" Ryan backs away, laughing as Jasper pursues him.

"If you truly loved me, nothing would stop you from wanting to kiss me!"

"Nothing is stopping me from wanting to. I will kiss you so much when you're not covered in baby spew."

"Welcome to dad life. This is what you signed up for," Jasper teases.

"And I love it. But please go take a shower." Ryan orders, being backed against a wall by Jasper's persistence. Ryan cringes as Jasper leans in closer and closer, then to his surprise, instead of kissing him, Jasper presses a soft kiss to Jasmyn's forehead before turning and walking off to the bathroom without another word. Ryan looks down at Jazzy, her little eyes staring in confused observation up at Ryan. "Good morning. We're not always like this." Ryan assures her, losing himself in her eyes. "Did you get cuter overnight? I think you did. Are you going to get cuter today while I'm at work? Promise me you won't grow at all while I'm gone, ok?" Ryan sighs, lifting her so she can see him easier. Her eyes seem to search his face, then she starts crying. "Oh, I see. He's your favourite, huh? Understandable, he's my favourite too." Ryan holds her up against his shoulder, patting her back soothingly and getting a burp out of her. "I love you so much, and the sight of me makes you cry. Yay."

It's Jasper that has to suppress his amusement as Ryan walks into the bathroom only a few minutes after him, with the still screaming baby cradled in one arm, a baby rocker in his other hand. He places the rocker on the floor and Jasmyn is strapped into it. Ryan undresses and joins Jasper in the shower.

"Ah, the joys of parenting," Jasper smirks as he steps out of the water stream to let Ryan wash the baby vomit off himself.

"Shut up."

"Yes, daddy."