The Next Stage - 19. Communication

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Ryan. What do you think of that performance?”

Ryan looks across the group of dancers, all catching their breaths while trying to appear perfectly ready to keep going. “I know it’s been a long day, but where’s the enthusiasm? Where’s the energy?” he asks.

“It was pathetic. You over there in the bright pink tights, you tried so hard to pick the most attention-grabbing clothes, but every time I am drawn to your legs all I see is continuous and exhausting failure to properly execute the steps. Oh, I wouldn’t be snickering over their honey because I haven’t noticed a single thing you’ve done since you walked on stage 6 hours ago. Front row, if I point at you, you stay, everyone else get out of my view, you’re letting down the entire team.”

Ryan watches in awe of the unapologetically cruel way the main choreographer, Maria, rapidly picks apart people’s dreams and reassigns them to the shattering reality of a back-up dancer. He had a lot to learn if he wanted to someday run a choreography gig in this type of setting as the main. The more time he spent here, the less sure he was about this career move. He really didn’t have the heart to be rude to any of these people. As it was, he felt barely above them in skill most days.

“Ok, from the top. Five, six, seven, eight!”

Ryan felt for them. The dancing was deteriorating with each reset of position. When Ryan had acknowledged their long day, he’d been proving he was aware of the strain they were under to keep producing their best. Their rehearsal was meant to have finished an hour ago, and they’d not had even a drink break in the last hour. There’s only so long people could repeat steps over and over while having their spirit broken by criticisms and facing dehydration. Apparently, this was called separating the strong performers from the weak. Ryan couldn’t see it as anything more than torture.

Between him and Maria, she was the strong, and he was the weak. He had no intention of becoming so unnecessarily nasty to people, but he did envy the control Maria had. According to the gossip, this was her third choreography role on Broadway. She’d attended one of the highest rated dance academies and was top of the class. She’d danced competitively for years and was headhunted for Broadway. Her experience way out weighed Ryan, but he couldn’t imagine becoming so ‘professionally’ that he started treating everyone as though they are below him.

That being said, he had absolutely no energy for continuing to be nice when they finally called rehearsals over for the day. He wanted nothing more than to be home with his family a few hours ago and it was forefront of his mind that Jasper had been expecting him home much earlier than this. Some days he’d gotten home to find Jasper waiting for him at the window, overtired and ready to throw the baby at him so he could go and reheat his tea and cry about how tired he was in peace. He could only hope today wasn’t one of those days. He felt bad enough, as it was, he couldn’t help Jasper with the baby as much as he’d wanted to.

“Ryan.” A guy approaches with his hands on his hips, shoulders back and head up high. “I’m working really hard on these routines at home. I’m practicing constantly. I’d like to be considered for a lead part.”

Ryan distractedly check his phone, expecting to see missed calls or texts asking where he was, but he’s surprised to see nothing since the sleeping baby photo spam from a few hours ago, followed by a photo of a leaking nappy and the soiled cot sheets in the trash. Ryan looks back up, having forgotten that he was meant to be having a conversation with a person right in front of him.

“So, what can I do to get that role?”

“The male leads in this are middle-aged men. You look like you’re still in school.”

“I’m 20.”

“Ok, so...”

“But musicals are my life and you can’t discriminate against me because of my age. I have been dancing and singing since I left the womb. I’m dedicated to this and I know I can do it.”

“So is everyone here. What I was going to say was if you want a lead role, you need to talk to the casting director about it. The best I can do is comment on your dance skills and I’ve only seen you in group rehearsals, so I don’t really know if you’re the best fit for a lead...”

“Would you watch me on my own?” he asks with a sweet smile.

“I realize this is important to you, but I can’t stay back any longer tonight.”

“Why not? Does Jasper have some kind of curfew for you?”

“No, I’m just ready for a shower, food, and bed. It’s been a massive day and we’re back here in thirteen hours, so you should get going and rest too,” Ryan suggests, not hanging around to argue his reason.

*** 

“I’m so sorry I’m late. Rehearsals...”

Jasper slides into view with his finger pressed to his lips to silence him. A few hand gestures lead Ryan to the bassinet in the lounge room where Jazzy is sleeping. She looked so peaceful, which was a nice change from the last few nights. Ryan proceeds to tip toe into the kitchen where Jasper is heating up his dinner.

“How was she?” Ryan asks, wrapping his arms around Jasper.

“I didn’t throw her in the bin, so that’s something.” Jasper sighs, turning around in Ryan’s arms and slipping his arms over his shoulders. “Big day?”

“Such a big day. I’m exhausted.”

“I have no idea what that feels like.” Jasper says sarcastically.

“I know. I’m sorry. You’re the last person I should complain to. Did you get to sleep much today?”

“Nope. She screamed for the majority of the day."

“So you didn’t get any study done?” Ryan asks with a sigh.

Jasper gives a delirious laugh. “Ry. I’m running on 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. Do you think I have enough functioning brain cells to study?”

“I’m supposed to feel good about that knowing that you’ve been overlooking building plans?”

“Wait until you see it! Dance studio on the bottom floor and music studio upstairs. I’m considering throwing in a third floor and making it a cubby house for Jazzy. Wouldn’t that be amazing?”

“It does sound amazing.”

“Anyway, what kept you so late today?”

“Allocating the performers from those who won’t be on stage. It’s been a nightmare.” Ryan complains, dropping his head on Jasper’s shoulder.

“Ooh, how’d that go?”

“Well, now half the group is back to hating me. But the half that don’t hate me are incredibly talented even if some of them are arrogant and more difficult to work with. It’s tempting to sideline the ones that are being difficult but...”

“If Chris had done that with me, The Obsolete would have lasted a day. You need the annoying, pushy, arrogant ones. Their determination to achieve at all costs, keeps things going. I mean, where would you be if I wasn’t ‘difficult to work with’.” Jasper smirks

“It’s different. I happen to enjoy your arrogance.”

“Oh yeah? How much?” Jasper asks in a flirty tone.

“Besides, your arrogance wasn’t selfish. Theatre has its good people, don’t get me wrong. But when you get to the main focus of the show, it’s everyone for themselves. They want each other to fail so they can take their places. It’s insane.”

“Show business,” Jasper shrugs. “There’s always someone slightly less talented, ready to trip you as you leave the stage so they can be the star. It’s a competition masquerading as a performance.”

“You know for someone who hasn’t seen any musicals…”

“I’ve seen Sweeny Todd.”

“You aren’t wrong about the nature of things backstage.”

“Because no matter what field of the entertainment industry you are in, the higher up you get, the more people want to see you fail.” Jasper says as he hands his phone to Ryan. “Speaking of, I’d love to read today’s gossip.”

“It feels wrong to be controlling your accounts like this.” Ryan comments as he puts in the password that Jasper had asked him to change and not tell him about. As the account logs in, Ryan passes the phone back and watches the devious smile creep across Jasper’s lips as he searches his twitter tags.

“I’ll go take a shower. Don’t cause any problems, ok?” Ryan smiles, kissing Jasper’s cheek.

“Yes, daddy~”

“Stop,” Ryan laughs.

“Ok... daddy,” Jasper looks up from his phone only to shoot Ryan a smirk. A well-timed cry kills the tension between them and Jasper pockets his phone to go attend to the small boss of the house. “This wonder week can fuck off.” he mutters on his way.

“Wonder week?”

“I don’t know. Luke was telling me about them. Something to with developmental leaps and shit. I thought it’s just the term for those weeks where you wonder why you thought having kids was a great idea.” Jasper’s complaining stops the second he gets to Jazzy’s bassinet. “But apparently it's hard to sleep when your brain is working so hard,” he says in a cutesy voice as he tickles her little tummy. Jazzy squirms and her face contorts into a lopsided half smile as she lets out a squeak.

“Was that a smile?” Ryan gasps.

“Nah, just a face she pulls when she’s gassy, probably.” Jasper replies, picking his baby up and giving her a cuddle. “Isn’t that right cutey?”

“Ok. I’m showering, then I’m stealing that baby off you,” Ryan states, rushing up the stairs.

“Listen up. You can’t just go smiling at me in front of him. We had an agreement. I know it was entirely my fault for tickling you but we’re not going to ruin his life by making him think he’s missing your milestones. Save those smiles until daddy has a few days off and can see it for himself.” Jasper whispers to his daughter. Jasmyn looks up at him then gives him another of her contorted facial expressions as she tries to understand which muscles to use to smile. “Oh, stop it, you’re going to make kiss you all over, again.” Jasper sighs adoringly before covering her sweet face in smooches.

*** 

“Are you sure you don’t just want me to feed her?” Jasper asks as he cuts up Ryan’s food so he can feed himself.

“You do enough.” Ryan answers, using his chin to hold the bottle while he grabs a mouthful of food.

“Oh, only enough, huh?” Jasper asks sarcastically, placing Ryan’s plate down and slipping off the couch. “I can do better than that,” he says, lifting and massaging one of Ryan’s feet. “See, Jazzy. This is love. Never accept anything less.”

“Are you advising our 2-month-old on her future love life?” Ryan laughs.

“Do you want to see me jailed for committing a crime on someone that doesn’t treat her right in the future? Because I’m really hoping to not be that sex deprived by the time she’s old enough to date, to make jail sound worthwhile.”

Ryan laughs. “If someone hurts her, I’ll be in prison with you.”

“Sure, but you’ll have to get along with my prison husband. No jealousy or bitching in my cell.” Jasper winks.

Ryan rolls his eyes. “This isn’t a very child appropriate conversation.”

“She doesn’t know what we’re saying. I could tell you in detail what I want to do to you right now, and she’d just be enjoying the comfort of my voice.”

“How involved should I get in regards to helping some of the dancers?” Ryan asks, changing the topic, much to Jasper’s disappointment.

“You shouldn’t. But knowing you, you’ll try to be nice and end up being fucked over by some pretentious wannabe star that bats their eyelashes at you.” Jasper says in a bitter tone as he gets up from the floor. “Don’t get involved Ry. Like you said, everyone is out for themselves. You need to be too. You are there to instruct them on their routines. You’ll jeopardize your authority if you start giving extra time to people out the kindness of your heart,” he says as he starts walking away to the stairs.

Ryan gives a sigh and looks down at Jazzy who is falling asleep on the bottle. He places a soft kiss on her forehead and she starts suckling again briefly before falling back to sleep. As he holds her, listening to the water running through the pipes as Jasper takes a shower, he can’t help but think about how different the work he was doing, was from what he’d hoped it’d be. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t opening him up to a new world of friendships and he wasn’t actually doing much dancing himself most days.

The appeal and excitement had worn off and he had to drag himself through months of it before he could take over the parenting role and by then maybe the roller coaster of Jasper’s career will be steady enough that he could take over being the working parent while Ryan reassessed his ambition.

*** 

“Is she asleep?”

“Milk coma,” Ryan replies with a fond smile as he stares down at her on the bed beside him.

“Why is she in here?” Jasper whispers.

“I just wanted to spend time with her,” Ryan sighs, kissing the little knuckles that were wrapped around his finger.

“When’s your next day off?” Jasper asks, climbing on the bed behind Ryan and cuddling against him.

“A couple of days.”

“Do you want to do anything that day?”

“Just this.” Ryan shrugs.

Jasper lies in silence with Ryan for a few moments, then kisses his shoulder and climbs off the bed, moving around to his side of the bed, Jazzy between them. Ryan’s eyes were set on his daughter and he was clearly having a moment, so Jasper leaves him to it while he catches up on what’s been said about him.

Headlines had backed off since his twitter rant, but comment sections on his videos were rampant with haters. He cared less about what they were saying, than what he was making out of it. In general, his comeback tour had almost made up for the two-year break, even with the massive failure of the charity and all the outgoing costs of venues, equipment, transport and staff. But the views on his ‘wedding’ video were still sky rocketing and for every hate comment he got, he’d be pushed back up the algorithm gaining him more views again. He hadn’t married Ryan for profit, but fuck was it making him one hell of a profit. Hate had never paid so well. By his estimate, he and Ryan could build not only the dance and music studio he’d been planning, and build a home with more bathrooms than occupants.

The only problem was his promise to build a safer home with medical facilities and staff to protect the children his charity had set out to help. Right now, he wanted to prioritize his family, but they’d have to come second to philanthropy this time around. If he could stretch the hate out, though, he’d be able to do both, in no time.

Jasper glances beside himself at Ryan who was asleep. Jasper snaps a photo of his two favourite people then puts his phone down to stare at them both, feeling his heart melt. He’d have loved a child free bed, because he himself missed Ryan so much, but seeing him loving on their baby girl was almost fulfilling enough to forgive that he’d not had one on one time with his husband in weeks. The most sex life he had currently, was reading smut written about them. At least his fans were probably old enough to have a sex life and know what they were talking about now so the smut was less cringy and sometimes anatomically accurate.

But they’d not been actually intimate since before Jasper had been diagnosed with bipolar and even though they had the short-term loss of libido with the new medications, and then Jasmyn was born and sleep deprivation punched Jasper in the face multiple times a day and night, and, yes, Ryan was working and getting home tired and wanting to spend time with his baby as he should and, yes, Jasper wanted Ryan to take over with Jasmyn the minute he got in the door because he was exhausted by the responsibility of attending to every single goddamn cry throughout the day... He did also feel just a little but like they realistically had time and Ryan just had no interest or felt differently about it all since Jasper’s colossal meltdown and diagnosis.

Everything else was a priority, but try as he might to be the perfect, supportive and considerate, loving husband, Ryan didn’t seem to notice how lonely and starved of adult attention Jasper was. He’d even subjected himself to the awkwardness of asking Luke for advice on having a sex life as a parent. It was less helpful and more depressing when Luke tried to pass off a joke of ‘well when they are older and you can put on their favourite show you can get a good 5-6 minutes' worth of time to before they notice you’re gone and start screaming out “dad, where are you!?” and it kills the mood’.

It was great to know that’s all he had to look forward to. 5-6 minutes.

But then Luke had back tracked and tried to be encouraging with some, “the baby stage is the easiest to find time because they sleep so much. Once you get through the first few weeks and the baby stuff falls into routine, you guys will be fine. You do have to make time for each other and rely more on small acts of love. The intimacy is in showing each other you matter, more so than the physical stuff.”

Which all sounded like a brainwashed way of saying ‘you’ll feel better about having no sex life when you give up all hope.’

Leo had been even less help.

“Leo, hey. I need some advice, have you got a sec?”

“Of course. I’m not alone though so don’t use names.”

“If now isn’t a good time to talk…”

“Now is the perfect time to talk. I’m just… multitasking.” Leo answered with an exaggerated, bored sigh.

“Are you sure? Sounds like I’ve caught you at a bad time.”

“This useless slut is giving me a shitty blowjob. That’s all.”

Jasper paused, taken aback. “Australia turned you into a real dick. That’s so mean.” Jasper replied then checked his phone as it vibrated with a text from Leo. ‘He’s into being insulted and belittled’

“So, what’s the problem?” Leo asked over the phone again.

“I am having the exact opposite problem to you right now.” Jasper replied, typing a message back. ‘Oh, so it’s some masochist thing?’

“Ok take a breather, have a drink. You’re just embarrassing yourself now. Fuck off.” Leo ordered and Jasper just waited on the other end of the phone, very uncomfortable and confused for a few moments. “Right, what’s up?”

“You didn’t have to send him away.”

“It was getting difficult to concentrate, honestly. The more I put him down the more he proves me wrong. Anyway, your sex life?”

“He hasn’t touched me since my diagnosis. Most of the time he says it’s because of the baby, but that feels more and more like it’s just an excuse. I don’t know what to do.” Jasper sighed.

“Have you brought it up with him?”

“No…”

“Communication is everything. Tell him what you want and need. Ask him what he wants and needs and compromise until you have a solution. Did I tell you that you could come back in? Stand right there until I am ready for you.” Leo demanded with fake aggression.

“I’m going to leave you to it. Bye Leo.”

“He is going now, because he pities you. How do you feel? Crawl back over here, bitch.”

*** 

Jasper had intended on talking to Ryan tonight. But Ryan, for once in his life, had an interest and life outside of their relationship, and Jasper didn’t want to pull his attention away and make things all about himself. Just because every second thought Jasper had was reserved for insecure thoughts about why Ryan had seemingly lost his desire, didn’t mean Ryan’s life revolved around it, too. Jasper was the one at home all day with nothing but vacant periods of time to think up his own problems. Ryan was busy having an actual life.

Jasper was happy for Ry. He wanted him to enjoy having his own path and he was looking forward to seeing the way Ryan would grow now that he wasn’t stuck under Jasper’s shadow.

It just felt a lot like he was losing interest now that he realised how much of a mess Jasper was, and how many more people there were out there, with the same interests that may be more suited to him.