In Our Darkness - 5. Chapter 5: Jack’s Resolve

There wasn’t much variety left in officer Jack Miller’s life, and he was more than fine with that. There was his work as a police officer, which took up most of his time and energy. There was his nearing retirement looming on the horizon, and although for some cops that would mean taking their foot off the gas and coasting on through to the end, Jack seemed to be picking up more and more work. His colleagues noticed that it was as if he wanted to submerge himself in his work and get all his loose ends tied up. Perhaps he wanted to complete anything he didn’t have the chance to finish in his thirty-four years of public service. He was a dedicated officer after all. He didn’t always go by the book, but he was fiercely loyal to his community.

Besides work there was watching football, AA meetings, his complicated relationship with God, and lastly but most importantly, there was trying to shape his work partner into someone who at least resembled a police officer.

Yes, Kat Bryce was a big source of worry for him. She was like the daughter he never had. At first, he was pissed off to have her as a partner. He was retiring soon, and they stuck him with a doe-eyed rookie. She was a beautiful woman, she should have been in some fancy office working as a therapist, or something nice and soothing. Not here, with all the ugliness and violence this job held. And it held a lot of it. Violence, drugs, and murder. Kids born addicted to meth. Kids born in withdrawal. This job was hell on earth on some days…most days.

But with time, she grew on him. Something about her challenged him, in the best way possible. Not abrasively, soothingly. Her perseverance, her intelligence, her drive. Her willingness to show him that not everything could be accomplished by raising your voice or smashing someone’s head through the glass window. She had a way with people, they connected to her with ease. They told her things. Things they would never tell him. She made his job easier in some ways. But he still worried. Sure, the qualities she possessed…they were things to be admired. But she was too sensitive. She cared too much. Just like with the goddamn Andrews case. She got too invested. He needed to harden her up before he retired.

Another problem with Bryce—she was too ethical. Jack was known for doing what needed to be done to ensure justice would prevail. If it was planting evidence here and there, then so be it. He wasn’t above that, and he wasn’t expecting to go to heaven for it. But it came with a certain amount of satisfaction. Moral high ground is nice for the person practicing it, but it leaves victims in its wake. Often, innocent ones. When Jack was younger he’d seen too many children returned to drug addicted parents because the system deemed it fair to give the parents another try, after another try. Children going back to abusive homes time and time again. The system deemed it just to keep giving criminals chances, but how was that justice for the children?

No, Jack had his own code of justice, and as he got older he got more and more brave in implementing it. This was his life, and his legacy. What was more important, submitting to the law, or protecting the vulnerable? He wasn’t going to let justice be delayed.

But Bryce was different. She wanted to do the morally right thing. She never considered herself above the law, only a servant of the law. If justice had to take time, then so be it. She would do things by the book.

He wanted to make sure he left her with enough foundation to be an effective detective. This job was hard on people. The things they dealt with, the people they came in contact with. Jack knew better than anyone the sacrifices one had to make to be an effective detective because here he was, divorced, with a waste of a son who hated him, all alone, with nobody to leave his legacy to.

He didn’t want Kat to suffer the same fate, but he could absolutely see her going down that road. She already didn’t have a personal life, aside from work, which consumed her. Where would she find the time to find a husband, to become a mother and start a family?

There was very little appreciation in their line of work. Case in point, David Andrews, who chose every opportunity he had to belittle their efforts and strategies. But Jack understood. He even admired it. Had it been his wife and child in that car wreck, he wouldn’t do anything differently from David. The thought of his son flashed through his mind and he felt the same discomfort and guilt he always felt when he thought of him. He had many regrets in his life, his son was his biggest one.

He often wondered where he went wrong. He knew he let his work consume him, he spent so much of his time worrying about the kids of drug addicts and fuck-ups, that his own son became a drug addict and fuck-up. Jack should have spent more time with him. While he was helping other people, his own wife was fading into depression and pill use, leaving their son to fend for himself.

Their first year of marriage was pure bliss, of course it was. Everything was new, everything was exciting. But what Jack’s wife didn’t understand was that things can’t remain blissful forever. You need some stormy moments to be able to appreciate the good ones. She forgot that Jack didn’t exist just to make her happy. She became restless, easily offended, she wanted an ideal marriage, a “happy” marriage.

“Do I get angry sometimes?” Jack would ask himself. Sure. When your job gives you a first row seat to witnessing violent crimes, drug trafficking, human trafficking, and crimes against children, you quickly learn that the world is disgustingly fucked up. All of it. There are things on this earth that make hell seem like a vacation resort. You cannot live your life as an eternal optimist, after you are exposed to these things. Once you know the truth, about the horror, the abominations, and all the unspeakable things, it’s hard to not let it penetrate you. It’s hard to look at the bright side. You need an outlet. You need something pure and something true, someone that will stick with you, despite your depravity. He thought that his wife would be that that person. He was wrong. No woman could handle this shit—this dark abyss.

And he was hard on his son, maybe too hard. Now it was too late, he was a lost cause. His son had been to rehab eleven times, thousands of dollars down the drain. Nothing helped, he was perpetually broken. The drugs had eaten away at his brain, leaving him a worthless human shell. The thing Jack felt most guilty about, was that the thought of his only son filled him with revulsion. He hated indecent men, yet he managed to raise one. It was a painful pill for him to swallow.

Now he would spend all his time trying to make up for that fact by saving other people’s children. By doing what was necessary.

The Andrews case ate away at him. And he knew it would keep Bryce up at night as well.