The Next Stage - 23. Reconnecting

Jasper’s lips press soft kisses along Ryan’s bare shoulder. Ryan groans as he’s woken up, moving subconsciously to pull Jasper closer to him.

“Morning,” he mumbles. A sleepy hand slips to the side of Jasper’s face, guiding their lips together. Waking up properly, Ryan pulls Jasper on top of him, deepening the kiss with hunger. Jasper gives a satisfied moan as he obliges, kissing back with even more need. As Ryan gets swept up, he rolls them over to pin Jasper against the bed, grinding against him. With all the intention building up, he breaks the kiss to remove everything that stood between his body and Jasper’s.

Though disappointment soon follows.

“It’s ok,” Ryan sighs, falling against the bed and closing his eyes.

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one that’s been desperate for this for months. Fuck.”

“Maybe you should talk to your doctor. You’ve been doing well, so maybe you can change dose, get your drive back.” Ryan suggests.

“My drive isn’t the problem. I have enough ‘drive’ for both of us. I could power an entire state with my sex drive.” Jasper groans and covers his face, then gives a heavy sigh and rolls over to Ryan again. “No reason you should miss out, though,” he says.

“Jas, don’t worry about it.”

“No, I want to. But you better tell me how good a job I’m doing, because I’ll have to live vicariously through you.” Jasper winks, but before he gets a chance to disappear under the sheets they are interrupted by Jazzy crying out from her cot. Jasper drops his head to Ryan’s chest and Ryan could tell he was trying with desperation to not lose it. He inhales and holds it.

“Do you want me to check on her?” Ryan asks.

“I’m waiting to see if she stops.” Jasper says in a bitter tone. After a few moments, he gives up that hope. “She might just be standing.” Jasper reluctantly slips out of bed. Mad at his own body for ruining the first good opportunity they’d had in a long time.

Jasmyn was standing up in her cot, just as Jasper suspected. Despite her interruption of their morning, the moment Jasper sees his baby girl, he is nothing but smiles.

Downstairs, Ryan is dressed to go out and Jasper’s enthusiasm for the day evaporates. “Where are you going?”

“Rehearsals.” Ryan states, pushing a suck-up cup of tea across the bench.

Jasper nods. “Of course you are. I was going to go see Grace.”

“Has she contacted you?”

“No. But I’m falling apart and I need her support. Honestly, it’s been 6 months. Jazzy is 6 freaking months old. At this point, it’s got to be doing Grace more damage than it’s worth to keep avoiding me and her.” Jasper sighs.

“Babe, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to force this on her. I know you’re struggling right now but...”

“I knew you would say that.” Jasper groans defeated. Taking his mug over to the piano. He sits and begins tinkering a melody.

“She’ll come around,” Ryan says, stepping in and kissing Jasper’s cheek.

Jasper shrugs, continuing to play, his focus solely on losing himself in the music now.

Ryan leaves him to it, taking over the parenting responsibilities for the short period of time he’d be home for. Jasmyn in her high chair tormenting her poor dad by smearing her breakfast across the tray, throwing the spoon on the floor, squelching it through her fingers and finally plastering it into her short brown hair. Ryan stays sane in the process, balancing his frustration by watching Jasper playing his piano. It’d been a while, and it was really nice to see him busying himself with something he loved instead of bouncing from one random focus to another.

Ryan had been thinking about Jasper being off his medications and all the signs he’d missed. It seemed Jasper’s manic highs were more common than the lows. And to be honest, the highs were pretty good. Jasper had been productive around the house. He’d managed to secure land and start planning his charity project. He’d been making house plans. Ryan could see it now, that instead of being in awe of how well Jasper was managing everything while being essentially a single stay at-home parent while Ryan was off having a career, he should have realised he was attacking life.

*** 

“Look at you, the controversial celebrity dominating headlines. Lying on the couch in your pyjamas at 8pm.” Leo teases.

“I know. It’s just been that kind of day.” Jasper replies, not even sitting up.

“Pathetic.”

Jasper smiles, “living the dream.”

“Really selling that sexy celebrity fantasy, huh? Is Ryan upstairs doing dad stuff?”

“No, Ryan is out at ‘rehearsals’.” Jasper shrugs.

“Why’d you say it like that?”

Jasper again just shrugs.

“How have things been between the two of you?”

“Things aren’t how I’d like them to be.” Jasper sighs.

“How’s parenting going?”

“Good.” Jasper smiles at the thought. “I call Ryan daddy just to piss him off. I think it’s driving him insane.”

Leo laughs. “You’re a Dom’s wet dream. It genuinely breaks my heart that you aren’t a sub.”

“I’d be a terrible sub, let’s be honest. I am extra defiant when someone tells me what to do.”

“There’s nothing hotter than someone bratting you to breaking point then getting them back in line with some proper discipline.”

“Yeah, except I don’t know when to stop. I like to break people and then I like to poke at all the new cracks. I’d out brat a Dom any day.”

“We’ll see.”

“We won’t, but I love your determination.” Jasper smiles, amused as he relaxes back, staring up at the ceiling in deep thought.

“Do you want me to leave you in peace?”

“God no. I’m so deprived of adult interaction. As much as I love this kid, I miss just being me. I miss having hobbies that I have time for, I miss planning shows and being flirty in interviews. I even miss the scandals and the drama of the media. I know it probably sounds dumb, but that was stuff that was fun and made me feel good. I want to get some of that back, you know.” Jasper sighs as he stirs his tea.

“Ok, next time Ryan has a night off, you leave him at home to play house and I’m taking you to a party.”

“Yeah, but when he has a night off, I should spend that time with him. It feels like I haven’t seen my own husband in months.”

"A whole night? Doing what?"

"You heard me say it's been months, right?"

"Yeah, so it'll take 5 minutes then you'll be arguing about dinner and dishes, watching TV and going to bed at 8pm like the old married couple you are."

“That is so depressingly true. Oh my god, see what I mean? I’ve become boring. Save me Leo, I’m turning so domestic. This is supposed to be my prime! I’m a fucking internationally recognized celebrity and I’m just sitting at home scrolling TikTok and drinking tea on a Saturday night!” Jasper looks down at his pyjamas like he’s disgusted in himself. “I need to get out. I’m going for a shower. You find me a babysitter and a social event, now. This drought ends tonight!” Jasper delegates, getting up from the couch, finishing off his tea then heading off to the bathroom, ready to transform himself from a lonely stay at-home parent, back to a scandalous pop star with the night at his disposal.

*** 

“Good morning.” Ryan smiles as Jasper stirs awake.

“What’s the time?”

“It is almost midday. Did you have a good night?” Ryan asks.

“Ugh.”

“That good, huh?”

“I’m fine.” Jasper rubs at his forehead.

“You know, I was quite surprised when I got home last night and my mum was here. Who were you out with?”

“That’s an ironic question from the man who was meant to be home early.”

“Rehearsals went late, I’m sorry.”

“Uh-huh. I was at a circuit party with Leo.” Jasper states, sitting up and stretching. “Oh fuck, I’m covered in glitter. Rest in peace this set of sheets.”

“Why was Leo here?”

“He’s going back to Australia today. anted to say goodby before he left.”

“Oh, good.”

“Good? Why is that good?”

“I don’t know, Jas. Maybe I’m not thrilled that he took my recovering-alcoholic husband on new medications, out drinking. I feel a little less respect for him knowing he encouraged that...”

“Oh relax. I didn’t drink. All I had was a weed cookie.”

“Still. He took you into a triggering environment...”

“And I coped. Isn’t that a good thing? Aren’t you proud of me for being able to resist it?”

“I am. You’re right. That doesn’t make it a good idea, though. The details of your case are about to be public and now just doesn’t seem like the time for you to be seen out at a party with another guy. I'm worried that he’s not a great person for you to be around right now.” Ryan sighs.

“Thank you for your input, but I am capable of making my own decisions about who I hang out with. Leo is currently my only friend, and he’s also the only person who’s not treating me differently since becoming a parent, so I’m absolutely going to hang out with him whenever I have the chance. You need to trust me that I can enjoy things without crossing a line.”

“Well, he’s not your only friend. You’ve got Beth, Luke, Flynn.”

“They’ve all got their own shit going on. Leo’s fun because he doesn’t get caught up in drama. He’s just out to have a good time and he makes me feel carefree and fun, too. I haven’t had that in a long time.”

Ryan gives a heavy sigh. It was clear they weren’t going to see eye to eye on this. “I’m glad you have that. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Then be here.” The words leave Jasper’s mouth with a tone of bitterness he’d been trying not to show. He gulps it back, muttering a sorry.

“Jas, I am stepping back. I had to show up yesterday for a full run through, but it’s nearing the end of production and I can step back a bit now. Realistically, the choreography part is done. Maria just needs to make sure it’s up to standard for opening night. I’m not working today...”

“Good, you can watch Jazzy while I go see Grace, then.” Jasper states, pulling the sheets back and sauntering to the bathroom to wash as much glitter off himself as he could.

“Babe...”

“The longer she puts it off, the worse it’s going to be and I’m getting to a point where I’m starting to feel slightly pissed off. It’s better that I face that before it gets to actually pissed off.” Jasper shrugs, stepping into the shower and sighing at the cool water over the many muscles that he’s just now noticing the ache of. He felt as though he’d run a marathon, but he didn’t regret a second of the night. Passionately dancing and letting his body be lost to the rhythm of pounding club music.

Ryan was right that it’d been a triggering environment, but what it triggered was a refreshed want to just relax and enjoy life instead of waiting for the next headline while his youth slipped away.

Accepting that he’d die of old age before he managed to get all the glitter off himself, Jasper gets out, drying himself and getting dressed. Downstairs, he finds Ryan doing the dishes from the night before.

“Sorry, I was going to do them.” Jasper states, feeling guilty now that he’d been lazing on the couch, then gone out and left the dishes. His energy had been so low all day, and yet the thought of music and people had given him enough of a buzz to dance for hours on end.

“It’s fine, babe. You do them every other time. I live here too. It’s my job too.” Ryan gives him a smile, then dries his hands and walks over, gently scratching at some glitter in Jasper’s eyebrow. He takes his car keys out of his pocket and holds them out to Jasper. “Be gentle with her and please don’t push her. I know you mean well, but I know you hate being pushed on things and Grace is you in everything but the body, so be careful.”

“That’s the problem with us. We don’t face shit until there’s an intervention. And today it’s time for hers.” Jasper states, taking the keys and confidently walking out.

Ryan sighs and heads upstairs, checking in on Jasmyn having her midday nap. “You’re not gonna grow up to be impossible to have a conversation with, are you Jazzy? Tell me you got my genes on that, at least.”

*** 

“Grace, this is getting ridiculous. Look, I need you, ok?” Jasper calls as he knocks on the door. Finally, finally Grace answers. “Thank you.” Jasper steps up and wraps his arms around her, hugging her tight. The moment his arms are around her, Grace starts crying, falling comfortably into the hug.

“Sorry I haven’t been around,” she sniffles back her tears and steps out of the doorway, letting Jasper in.

“It’s ok. I have just been worried about you and missing you like crazy.” Jasper tells her, so relieved to be here. “How are you doing? Be honest.” He takes her hands as they sit together on the lounge.

“I think I've had post-natal depression since the twins were born.” Grace admits tearfully. “I’ve struggled so much to create a connection to them and I’ve resented Flynn for us having them and it’s all just been a mess. I’ve been too much of a mess to reach out and be there for you and I’m so, so sorry. Are you ok? I know things have been going on with you and, god that baby must be getting big now.”

“You know her name, right?” Jasper asks.

“Sorry, yes. Jasmyn.” Grace corrects herself.

“That’s alright. I wasn’t sure if you hadn’t wanted to know, that’s all.”

“Is she a good baby? Does she have teeth yet? Is she crawling?”

“3 teeth. She mastered crawled and now she’s pulling herself up and screaming because she can’t get down.” Jasper replies. Grace smiles, though it’s not quite a heartfelt smile. Jasper sighs and continues. “I have Bipolar.”

“Oh, for real?”

“Psychiatric diagnosis and prescription medications and everything. I was manic at the baby shower and admitted myself that night because I was having delusions about you and Ry.”

“I’m the worst. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.” Grace squeezes his hand.

“It’s ok. It’s a lifelong thing, so you get to be there for the rest of it now.” Jasper jokes.

“So, you’re on medication?”

“Yeah. It’s part of the reason I needed to do this, because I need to get my life back on track. Again. I tell you I’m so sick of having to get my life back on track. Seems like it happens every few months. Something comes up and derails me and suddenly I’m plummeting into unrecognizable territory.” Jasper gives a heavy sigh.

“I feel that. I can count the number of months of my life where things have felt stable, on one hand.” Grace sighs too.

“How are things with Flynn?”

“Good. He’s great. He’s been really supportive of me. Tries to take the kids off my hands whenever he sees me getting overwhelmed.”

“Good man.”

“How’s Ryan? Is he helping with the baby?”

“When he can, I guess. It’s pretty one-sided at the moment, but just how things have worked out for us. I don’t know whether I’m struggling more or if he is because I know how much he wanted to be a present father, not just one that sees their kid in passing on his way out the door and gets home just to tuck them in, you know?”

“Isn’t the show on in a few weeks now? I guess his rehearsal schedule is crazy, but it’s almost over.”

“Mm. He’s not on anymore. They cut him from it. He hasn’t told me that, though. He told me he’s stepping back to be around more since the court case...”

“Oh god how did that go?”

“Catastrophic. I mean, I won, but the cost outweighs the benefit. The court brought up my mental illness and tried to suggest that I can’t comprehend situations clearly. Even tried to say my husband is also guilty, like, if they’d managed to make that argument, that still wouldn’t have excused the other guy.”

“Talking about people you slept with coming back to bite you years later, Ellie’s biological father is trying to get shared custody.”

“Oh, fuck off. Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“I bet Flynn isn’t too keen on that.”

“I haven’t told him yet.” Grace sighs. “I’m afraid he’d do something, you know? And I can’t afford for him to go to jail for murder. That goes for you, too. I know how much you’d like to give him another concussion.”

“Obviously he liked being knocked-out, or he wouldn’t be trying to come for Ellie again. Promise me you won’t let him anywhere near Ellie. I don’t trust him at all and I don’t trust myself to stop punching the ever-loving fuck out of him if he ever hurts her.”

“I have no intention of letting him near her. Don’t worry.”

“Good.”

“Sorry I got you angry.”

“It’s fine. I’m just. I’m very protective of your kids.”

“Parenthood will do that to you.”

“Right? How long am I going to be afraid of everything? Like sitting awake feeding her a bottle in the middle of the night, mentally plotting out what I’d do if a zombie apocalypse broke out or something. I have so many contingency plans for things that will never happen, and it’s driving me insane. I never used to worry about any of that stuff.” Jasper sighs.

“Have you had any dreams about having to defend her yet?” Grace asks.

“Not really, no.”

“Since becoming a mum, I’ve had vivid dreams of beating people to death. You find a whole new strength in yourself when you have kids. You want to protect them from everything, but still let them experience the world. I hate myself every day for risks that I choose for my kids and the risks are stupid things like what if Ellie gets bullied at school? What if the twins get hurt at daycare? What if Flynn forgets to pick them up? What if I lose my temper and hurt them? They are these little precious people who didn’t choose to be here and they put all their trust in me to stop them ever getting hurt physically, mentally... It’s an exhausting amount of pressure and I cry every day because I can’t protect them from the world.” Grace tears up as they talk. “Sorry.”

“It’s ok. And for what it’s worth, the fact that you care shows just how much you love them. You’re a great mum, Grace, even when it doesn’t feel like it. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to love them enough to do your best for them. Even then, our parents kinda sucked, and we turned out alright.”

Grace laughs. “Yeah, ok bipolar. We’re completely un-fucked by our upbringing. There’s totally no pressure at all to not screw our kids up,” she rolls her eyes.

Jasper laughs too, putting his arms around Grace and hugging her tight. “I think the kids are the ones screwing us up. I was fine until this who dad thing happened.”

“Has baby brain stopped you from remembering every single thing before the baby was born?” Grace laughs again.

“Shut up. I’m a well-adjusted normal adult with my shit together.”

“You’re none of those things, but I love you.”

“Speaking of things that happened before Jasmyn was born, can I ask you a personal question about marriage and stuff?” Jasper asks.

“You mean sex?”

“That’s exactly what I mean. What’s normal for you guys, considering you’ve got three kids to try to fit your intimacy around?”

“At least once a week, usually. We’ve never really had trouble. You get used to making time for each other. How are you guys managing?”

Jasper groans. “We’ve not been intimate in any sexual way, since before Jasmyn was born and it’s destroying me. He’s not even the slightest bit interested. Even when sex isn’t an option, I’ll offer to just get him off and get rejected."

“I’m sure he probably is interested. You guys have just had a lot going on and you’re still getting used to things.”

“It’s been half a year. I’m sure if he wanted to, he would have found time.”

“True. Maybe he’s forgotten what it’s like. There’s been times where I’ve been uninterested for a while and then Flynn persists and annoys me until I decide to just get it over with so he’ll leave me alone and then I’m the one annoying him an hour later for another round. Sometimes the sex drive is dormant and you’ve got to wake it up.”

“Interesting.” Jasper nods.

“I know you’re not big on musicals and stuff, but are you showing interest in his career? Like I know nothing about the computer-y, technical stuff Flynn does all day. He talks to me about it and I couldn’t care less, but if I at least pretend I’m following what he’s saying and ask a few questions, he’s always impressed. One time, he was telling me about something and I actually knew the technical word for it and he was turned on by that. So have you tried showing interest in Ryan’s stuff?”

“I hadn’t really thought of that. I wrote him a sung that referenced wanting sex and he made an effort that night. I guess he’s paid more attention to me than I have to him in that sense.”

“You know what you should do. Learn one of the songs from the musical on piano and play it for him. If that doesn’t make him want to do you right there on the piano, then I don’t know what will.”

“Sorry. It just occurred to me that we haven’t seen each other in half a year and this is what we’re talking about.”

“It’s ok. I like that even with everything, and how long it’s been, we’re this comfortable still. I love you. I’ve missed you so much and I’m so glad you came over.” Grace hugs him tight.

“I love you too. Thanks for letting me back into your life.” Jasper smiles, hugging her back just as tight.

“Thanks for making me.”

Jasper smiles and looks at his sister with a long, considering glance.

“What?”

Jasper sighs. “I’m so proud of you.”

“What, why? I don’t do anything.”

“Are you kidding? You’re dealing with series mental health shit, while raising three small kids and having time to fuck your husband a few times a week. You’ve come a long way and you're going to get through what you're going through. Don’t let Jeremy drag you down. He has no right to Ellie.”

“Exactly. Flynn is her dad in every way that matters, and no one can take that from him. We forget sometimes that she’s not biologically his because he loves her and would tear the world apart to protect her. He raised her. Getting someone pregnant doesn’t make you a parent. Raising a child is what does. You’re not special because you ejaculated in someone.”

“Perfect quote for my next tattoo.”

Jasper and Grace lose themselves in laughter, not noticing Flynn come in the door. He stands back, surprised to see the pair on the couch, laughing themselves stupid. Flynn crosses his arms and smiles at the sight, just watching until Jasper looks up and notices him.

“Oh, your husband is home.” Jasper tells Grace, who turns to Flynn with a loving smile.

“It’s about fucking time, you two.” Flynn grins, walking straight over to Grace and kissing her, the proud smile not leaving his face even with his lips pressed hard against hers. He puts an arm around her back, holding her tight and kissing her again while Jasper tries not to appear too uncomfortable. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.” Flynn says, wiping the happy tears from Grace’s cheeks and kissing her one more time.

“I know. I wish I’d reached out. I needed this.” Grace sighs with relief.

Jasper sighs too, just as relieved. “Same. I knew you needed space, but I shouldn’t have left it so long.”

“So fucking good to see this. I’m glad I came home for my break.” Flynn turns to Jasper.

“No need to kiss me. I’m good.” Jasper tells him with a smile.

“Get here, idiot.” Flynn demands. Jasper stands up, and Flynn wraps his arms around him in a tight hug. “We’ve fucking missed you, dude.”