The Next Stage - 26. Fathers' Day

“Ry?” Jasper sighs, looking over at his husband. “I’ve been contacted to do an exclusive interview and...”

Ryan abandons the dishes, turning his attention to Jasper and leaning against the bench. “No. Babe, the headlines have just stopped dragging you.”

“I know, but you should see the offer. I mean, even with my royalties, our bank account is depressing at the moment. This could help us finance setting up the hotel and finally get a new house. Not to mention a lot of the hate was because people still don’t know the full story...”

“Who the fuck cares about the full story, Jas? You think your haters are going to suddenly develop empathy if you cry on camera about the traumas you’ve been through? I’d sooner be homeless myself than let you go through that again." Ryan sighs heavily, putting his hands together. "Every time you get back to a good place, something drags you down again. Can’t we just stay good for a while?" he pleads, a solemn expression on his face like he'd already given up on winning this debate.

Jasper sighs, looking at the mountain of paperwork on the table before him. A small tree worth of invoices in one pile. Another for the three current mortgage agreements to their names and another for insurance documents. He could almost imagine all of them being gone and all it’d cost is an hour-long interview talking about his lowest points. But the sight of Ryan's defeat is enough to stop the idea in its tracks.

Jasper could handle it. He always had. But Ryan was more than exhausted by the constant stream of drama he had to go through. Even when it wasn't directly his drama, he made it his problem and couldn't distance himself enough to let things go. If he could guarantee it wouldn’t be edited to make him look bad, or that people wouldn’t quote him out of context or accuse him of exaggerating or making things up entirely just to push his agenda, it’d still not be worth re-opening the wound.

Ryan walks over, placing his hands on Jasper’s shoulders and giving him a massage. “Don’t stress about it. We’ll find a way to pay for everything.”

“I’m worried we bit off more than we can chew. By like all of it." Jasper sinks back in his seat and waves his hand at the table worth of stress. "We need to move, but we can’t afford to. We both have strong ambitions to help others and it’s draining us and that’s so dumb because we can give. And if we can, we should. But it’s just getting really overwhelming.”

"Have you thought about what Simon suggested?"

Jasper sighs. "I know it's stupid, but I don't feel great about the idea. I mean, none of us really want to perform as a band anymore. Simon is happy being a recluse and writing behind the scenes. Luke wants to build his solo career. Maybe I'd feel different if the band hadn't ended the way it did. With them wanting to quit and Blake... We'd literally just be getting the band back together for the money, and that doesn't sit well with me. Even though it'd be for charity. Just look at how it went for me the last time I performed to raise money for something. People lost a lot of trust in me."

Ryan places a kiss on Jasper’s head, then wraps his arms around his shoulders. “I should have talked to you before I bought the hotel. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. But I would have said yes, and we’d still be here now wondering how the fuck we can build an orphanage on one side of the world and cure homelessness in the middle of our own country.”

“While trying to have separate, all-consuming careers.” Ryan adds.

“Mm, and raising Jasmyn.”

“And babysitting Leo.”

Jasper laughs at Ryan’s comment, tipping his head back and pucking his lips for a kiss. Ryan leans down and pecks his lips.

“Speaking of, Jasmyn is asleep and Leo is out, and we are both not busy...” Jasper speaks at the same time as Ryan.

"Do you think we should start thinking about the next one?"

"The next what?" Jasper asks confused.

"You know. Give Jasmyn a sibling." Jasper is silent as he thinks about how to manage this conversation, but Ryan interprets that as an invitation to keep talking. "She's almost one now and if it takes another 6ish months like last time, then 9 months, she'll be just over 2 years old. That's about perfect for an age gap, don't you think?"

"You realise just because Chicago is almost done, doesn't mean we're about to have all this time, right? I'm getting on a plane in a fortnight and going away for months to be onsite for the charity development."

"I know, but there's always going to be something. That's just our lives." Ryan reasons.

"I'm already sad enough about all the things I'm going to miss with Jazzy. I just know she's going to take her first steps, start saying proper words and all that stuff while I'm away. I'll come back and she'll be big and be able to run up to me and say babbled words that I can decipher." Jasper sighs to himself, lamenting that he had to go.

"So we have another baby, double our chances of seeing at least one of their milestones." Ryan suggests jokingly.

"May I remind you we are in need of a home and have more than enough already going on in our lives? I just don't think now is the time to plan a hypothetical baby."

"Hypothetical?"

"Well, yeah."

"I remember a time when you said we would make a good couple 'hypothetically'." Ryan teases.

"Mm, I still think we would, hypothetically. It's much harder to be good at this in actual practice." Jasper says, casting Ryan a teasing smirk.

"Ok, so we'll talk about this again when you get back?" Ryan asks.

"Yeah. Another few months and things might be a little more secure. Then we can think about this." Jasper promises.

"Ok, now what were you saying before I interrupted?"

"Oh nothing. I was just pointing out that we had some time to ourselves."

“Well, I was cleaning.” Ryan shrugs with a smile.

“Yeah, but you can do that anytime. No matter how often we clean, the house is still a mess. We do the dishes 3567 times a day. The stars have not aligned for this opportunity the last few weeks.”

“It sounds an awful lot like you are you suggesting something.” Ryan wears a smirk that taunts Jasper.

"You know exactly what I’m suggesting."

“You want to fuck on this pile of paperwork? Or should I push them off the table to make room?”

“The thought of that just gave me an instant migraine. You mess up my neat piles here and the next file on the table will be for divorce.” Jasper threatens, while Ryan moves from behind the chair to the side of the table, placing his hand on the budget spreadsheet in front of Jasper, slowly sliding it back to make just a little room, his eyes not leaving Jasper's once.

“Get up,” he pats the table. “I want to steal your seat.”

Jasper doesn’t need to be told twice. A break from budgeting was just what he needed. He pushes the chair out and stands up, grabbing Ryan by his shirt and swapping their positions, pushing him into the chair and straddling his lap, arms resting over Ryan’s shoulders and his fingers lightly drawing patterns all over the back of Ryan’s neck. Their kisses start of soft and slow. No urgency and rush, but still an addictive amount of passion and craving. As much as they had learned that time was never on their side, things had been fairly frequent, enough so that even if it didn’t get to progress to anything sexual, they’d feel the time wasn’t wasted.

It was nice to be on the other side of things. When sex hadn’t been happening, Jasper treated every available second to try to get it. That desperation had meant rushing over the small and important intimate moments, where there was enough in just this much. The gentle and loving connection was almost as fulfilling as sex. Jasper realised he'd missed simply kissing Ryan. The way Ryan’s hands would skim over all the unimportant places of his body as he searched to ensure not a single nerve had been neglected. The satisfaction in knowing the rhythm of each other’s lips so perfectly, the kiss was faultless. Every thing about this was special in a way that reminded Jasper of how he felt very early on in their relationship. It felt almost as though things had come full circle and they were back to finding affection and love in the smaller actions.

It was simple and yet a massive turn on. The way Ryan's fingers could brush along the least sensual parts of Jasper's body and still, it could send shivers through his body. Ryan breaks the kiss, drifting his lips along Jasper’s jaw line, all the way up to his ear where he is midway through instructing him on exactly how and what he wanted to do, when Leo walks in the door.

Jasper and Ryan just freeze, both watching Leo as he passes into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of expensive wine from the cupboard.

“Oh, please continue.” Leo winks before heading to the stairs. “I’ll be in the bath.”

Jasper sighs, pressing his forehead to Ryan’s shoulder. They hear the water running through the pipes upstairs and for a moment, they both sit there in silence, not moving. Then Jasper finally sits up to meet Ryan’s eyes again.

“I feel like the worst friend, but I need to tell him to leave.”

“You’re not the worst friend. I don’t even know why he is here.”

“He’s lonely. Just because the guy goes dick first into relationships doesn't mean they are any less capable of breaking his heart. I feel for the guy. He role plays romance, but it's never real. Seems like he treated that Aussie like a partner and finds his bachelor pad a little too absent.” Jasper shrugs. “And I know I owe him. He was there for me when I was at my worst. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him. But I don’t think I can help him right now. It’s really selfish, but he’s making me want to drink and get high and go out and I...” Jasper’s words trail off.

“Jas. You have to take care of yourself, to be able to take care of other people. That’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation.”

"I just feel awful not helping him."

“You can help him. You just need to set some boundaries with him. Let him know you want to be there for him, but you can’t be around the drinking because it’s a trigger.” Ryan suggests.

“Should I say that, before or after I kick him out?” Jasper’s hands go to the sides of Ryan’s face and he places a delicate, tender kiss on his lips.

Ryan smiles as their lips part. “Get on the table,” he orders, running his hand down Jasper's body and undoing his pants.

*** 

“Leo.” Jasper knocks on the bathroom door to no reply. He knocks again and after another silent response, he opens the door. Leo is lying in the bath with headphones in, swigging wine directly from the bottle. For some reason, Jasper expected Leo's heartbreak to look just as carefree as he lived every other day of his life. Jasper walks all the way over to the bath and flicks water at Leo’s face to get his attention.

Leo just about has a heart attack. Splashing water back at Jasper like it's an attack. Jasper laughs, gesturing at him to take his headphones out as he takes a seat on the side of the bath.

“Did I ruin your sexy time down there?” Leo asks before taking another swig.

“This seems like a pity party. What is going on with you?”

“I needed this.” Leo shrugs, closing his eyes and relaxing in the warm water.

“So, you’re ok?” Jasper asks.

“Go and enjoy your happy marriage to the love of your life and let me down a bottle of wine in the bathtub, in peace.”

Jasper frowns. “That guy really crushed you.”

“You know when you meet someone that just ticks all your boxes but the one box that they won’t tick, no matter how much you beg them to, is love? Everyone wants me when it suits them. Sometimes they say they love me and I get to pretend they mean it even when I know they don’t. Then sometimes I forget it’s all pretend. Turns out power play and pain is only fun in the bedroom and not in the heart.” Leo slips down under the water’s surface, enjoying the peace of the water encompassing him. He stays that way until he runs out of breath and absolutely has to resurface. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it. I always do.”

“I know it comes across like it's so easy for me to say, but, you know, they say love happens when you least expect it.” Jasper offers, though he felt completely unhelpful.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but you fell in love with the first guy you kissed and he fell in love with you. You guys are married and living domestic bliss with a kid...”

Jasper ignores the comment, getting up from the bath. “Why the sudden need to settle down? You mock my boring married life.”

“I mock you because people think you have your shit together and I think that’s hilarious.”

“Leo, no one thinks I have my shit together. There are blogs that discuss it weekly. What’s your real excuse? And don’t say you’re jealous, because I know you don’t want my life.”

“It’s not your life that I want.” Leo replies, putting the bottle to his lips and drinking the rest of it in one long gulp.

“Ok. So, work out which life you want and start living it. If it’s the drink-a-whole-bottle-of-wine-in-the-bath life, then I’m happy for you. I highly doubt you’re going to meet your future soul mate in my bathtub, though. You can’t stay here forever.” Jasper calls as he heads out the door.

“In the bath or in your house?”

Jasper pauses, turning back to look at Leo. "We can hang out any time you want, but you can’t live here. It’s already not big enough for our needs.”

“Yeah,” Leo sighs. “Sorry. I’ll give you guys some space.” He stands up and Jasper quickly turns away again.

“I didn’t mean right now, Leo, geez.”

“I know. It’s fine. I know when I’m not wanted.”

“Leo.” Jasper turns back to him, grateful that he’s at least wrapped the towel around his waist. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m just messing with you.” Leo smiles. “I’m fine, really. You guys need space...”

“You’re welcome here anytime. I don’t want you to feel like this means we don’t want you around ever.”

“You’re thinking about this more than I am.”

“That’s because you’ve just drunk a whole bottle of wine.” Jasper jokes. Leo laughs, looking at the empty bottle on the side of the bath. “Make sure you put that in the bin, by the way. Jasmyn gets into everything around here and if she gets her hands on alcohol or glass, you really won’t be welcome back.”

Leo nods, walking back to the bath and taking the bottle, then walking out past Jasper and heading downstairs.

*** 

“Hey daddy~ Wakey wakey~” Jasper says, placing Jasmyn down on top of Ryan's chest to wake him up. She squeals and crawls off, making a break for the edge of the bed, but Jasper grabs her before she can kamikaze onto the floor.

“Good morning.” Ryan mumbles, rolling over and rubbing his eyes as he reads the print on Jasmyn’s onesie. “Only the best husbands get promoted to daddy. Aw that’s cute. Come here, you.” Ryan sits up, his hand slipping behind Jasper’s neck and bringing him in for a kiss. “Happy first Father's Day.”

“It sure is.” Jasper grins from Ryan to Jasmyn, lying on the bed beside his husband and trying to pull Jasmyn in for a cuddle with them. "It's Father's Day. You have to love us." Jasper demands while she screams and wriggles to get away.

“I have got you a gift, but I can’t give it to you. You have to go somewhere for it.”

“Uh-huh. Says everyone that forgot their significant other’s present. It’s no big deal. I’ve been her father for a while now. I've had the gift of her, every day.” Jasper jokes.

“I was going to give you a parenting day off. A ‘get out of the house guilt free’ card."

Jasper sits up, frowning as he looks down at Ryan.

“You don’t want to leave the house?” Ryan asks.

"I do but, it’s our first father’s day and you assume I want to not be here for it?”

“Like you said. Every day is father’s day for you. I just want to give you a break.”

“You just want her all to yourself, don’t you?” Jasper asks with a smile.

“Obviously. Is this the onesie you took a photo of to announce our baby to the world?” Ryan asks with an adoring smile, reading over the words again. Jasper takes out his phone and shows Ryan the photo draft post for his Twitter. “That’s a bit cute.”

“Mm, it was that or my personal favourite onesie.” Jasper jumps up from the bed, running into Jasmyn’s bedroom and back then throwing one of her outfits at Ryan.

Ryan sets it in front of him, reading aloud, “Don’t Ask Me How I Was Made,” he laughs and throws it back to Jasper. “I love the sweet effort you make for me, but that you’re still a sarcastic little b-” Ryan looks at Jasmyn, censoring himself. “I love seeing your deedee being like this. I hope you grow up to be just as silly and carefree,” he says to Jasmyn, who is staring off distantly at nothing. “What are you looking at?”

“Oh, excellent. We’ve reached the creepy stage. You know they say kids can see ghosts, right? No take-backs on the parenting day off. Have fun with our demon baby.” Jasper says, crawling over the bed to kiss Ryan, then kiss Jasmyn as many times as he can before she gets annoyed and whines at him. “Love you too, darling. Tell the ghosts to leave us alone.”

*** 

As soon as Jasper is out of the house, he considers checking in on Leo. Instead, he ends up having a coffee date with Beth. It was nice to spend one-on-one time with her, without Brayden. For the most part, they didn’t even talk about him. He’d gone home and Beth seemed genuinely happy to be on her own. Having something casual and fun that ended amicably had done her the world of good, despite Jasper’s initial concerns. He looked forward to future coffee dates where he could hear the school girl style crush updates on the cute new guy at work.

“Hey. Weird question but... Do you think Flynn would help me have a baby?” Beth’s question catches Jasper so off guard he just stares at her confused. Beth lets out a sigh. “It’d be wrong, wouldn’t it?”

“Why Flynn?” Jasper knows why the moment he asks it out loud. “Blake.”

"Do you think you'd move on if you and Ryan broke up?"

"Probably if we broke up. I'd want Ryan to move on and be happy, so I'd probably want that for myself, too. Doubt I'd fall in love again, but I'd miss the physical connections, you know? I couldn't imagine never kissing anyone ever again. Turns out I'm kinda needy where it comes to physical affection, which is really fun when I am simultaneously touched-out after a day full of having Jasmyn cling to me. Anyway, we're not meant to be talking about me. You'll find someone Beth. You're beautiful and you have a really sweet heart."

“I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want to fall in love with someone again. Actually, I've been thinking that's why we worked as a couple and why I liked living with you. We loved each other, but didn't really need each other in a romantic way. I think that's what I want. It's why things with Blake worked well too, I guess. Because he was too busy to need a full, in each other's faces all the time kind of relationship. I don't know. I don't think I want that at all. But I'd love to be a mummy. I’m happy to do it alone...”

“You wouldn’t be alone. You’d have a lot of help. I just don’t know how Flynn would feel. He wasn’t exactly on board with Grace being our surrogate but he might feel differently donating to you because as the man, he’d just be doing the fun part and leaving you to endure morning sickness and food aversions and cravings and stretch marks and then push it out and breastfeed it and lose sleep and change the nappies and...”

“You’re really selling it, Jasper. Thank you.” Beth rolls her eyes.

“Sorry. Somehow, women just cope with this stuff, but it blows my mind. Women’s bodies freak me out.” Jasper laughs.

“Darling, we know that.”

“You realise, if you had a baby like this, you’d be a real virgin, Mary.”

Beth’s eyes widen, and she laughs. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“The irony in a virgin giving birth to the semen demon of a satanic pop/punk icon really is something.”

“Did you just say semen demon?”

“That's what they are. They are cute when they are newborns, but Jasmyn has reached the age of creepy and I’m not ready. I’m regretting all those horror movies with small children in them, because I’m just expecting my kid to be possessed and standing over me with a knife any day now.”

“Can she stand already?”

“She loves standing up and screaming because she can’t get back down.”

Taking 40 minutes to mention Jasmyn, felt like a record. Normally, he talked about her like she was the only thing happening in his life. His pride, his joy and maybe a little his addiction. Jasmyn drove him insane and kept him grounded all at once, and being out of the house while she was home with Ryan made him miss them.

Still, this kid free time was a privilege he had no intention of passing up. Besides, he’d made plans for something else he really wanted to do. For too long, the only ink he had, was one that reminded him of his loss. He wanted to celebrate the good things that had happened in his life, too. He wanted a subtle and sweet way to celebrate his daughter.

“I fucking love that you invited me for this,” Flynn grins as he meets Jasper at the tattooist, giving him a one handed hug.

“Well, who else would I invite? None of my other friends have tattoos.”

“Lame. What are you getting?”

“Just a Jasmine flower over my heart. Nothing super fancy.”

“Nice. Have you got a tattoo for Ryan yet?”

“Nah. I don’t know what would symbolize him. Do you have anything for Grace?”

“Yeah, dude.” Flynn points to a scroll tattooed on his full artistic sleeve. The words ‘for better or for worse’ and their wedding date written below it. Jasper liked the theory, but it didn’t feel like his thing. Although he thought back to what Ryan had said about him making the romantic effort, but still having his personality in things. The idea of getting something sweet tattooed somewhere less sweet, for Ryan’s eyes only, did appeal to him.

The thought leads him to a total of three tattoos. The discrete jasmine flower with his daughter’s birthdate coming down from it like a winding stem that had grown from his heart. He'd had that one in mind for a while. The spontaneous others included on his right wrist where he has #RySper and their wedding date in cursive writing below it. He loved that it was stupidly cheesy. The third one would be just for Ryan's eyes. Given its location, there was no way anyone else could ever see it, but he was looking forward to Ryan's reaction.

*** 

The freedom had been nice. Refreshing enough that Jasper couldn’t wait to get home now and spend the rest of Father's Day with his little family. He hoped Ryan enjoyed having a daddy-daughter day with his little girl. He deserved to have more time with her than he’d gotten, and whenever Jasper was around, the favoritism was against Ryan. Jasmyn turned to him for everything, and Ryan acted like it didn’t break his heart. A day full of being the only cuddle option, the one that could kiss everything better and earn all the smiles and giggles, was just what Ryan needed.

The house is peacefully quiet when Jasper gets home. Upstairs, the light is only on in Jasmyn’s room. He tip-toes up the hallway, with a smile on his face, but pauses in the doorway, his heart sinking as he sees what Ryan’s holding. The envelope torn open, and the letter unfolded in his hands.

“Why would you do this?” Ryan’s voice comes out shaky, but his eyes didn’t meet Jaspers.

Jasper feels immediately stick. His heart racing so much he thinks he’s going to throw up. Having gotten no response, Ryan looks up. Anger and hurt in his eyes. Just steps forward. “Ry.” He gulps, not knowing what to say next. “You shouldn’t have opened it.”

“You shouldn’t have ordered it.” Ryan says, bitterly.

“You’re right.” Jasper hangs his head. “I wish I hadn’t.”

Ryan rakes his fingers through his hair, turning away from Jasper, then turning back. “Don’t you want to know what it says?”

Seeing the open piece of paper in Ryan’s hand was absolutely agonising. He couldn’t think of anything worse than knowing the truth. Yet he knew he would at any moment now. And he'd have to live with knowing one way or another if their beautiful baby girl was even theirs. He gulps and shakes his head.

“Then why the hell would you do this?” Ryan snaps.

“I was scared.”

“Scared of what? Of having a good, happy life? Scared about things going right for once? Jasper, this isn’t about you being scared. This is about you never knowing when to just let shit be. You always have to be right. You always have to have the final word. At any cost. You can’t ever just be happy. You would rather ruin everything good that you have.”

“That’s not...”

“You are more willing to rip this family apart than just accept not knowing.”

“No. I wanted to know and I won't apologise for that. I ordered that when we were still in the hospital, Ry. Because I wanted to be sure before we got attached. Only by the time it arrived it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t want to know anymore. That’s why I didn’t open it.”

“Jesus Christ. You’ve had it for that long? How could you keep this from me? How could you do this behind my back?”

“I’m sorry.” Jasper shrugs, there was nothing else he could say.

Ryan sighs and shoves the letter to Jasper’s chest. “One less thing for you to worry about,” he mutters as he storms out.

Jasper sinks against the wall of Jasmyn's nursery, breathless. His heart pounding so hard it aches as he holds the letter out in front of him in shaky hands. He takes one last look around the room, preparing himself to be looking around an empty room. Barely able to read through the nervous tears that had welled in his eyes, he scans down the page, then his knees buckle and he falls to the floor. Weakened by the surge of emotion that washes through him.

He clutches the letter to his heart and through tears streaming uncontrollably down his face he whispers, "oh, thank fuck. She’s ours. She’s really ours."