The World Out There - 38. Thirty-Eight

Liam sat in the corner of the sofa hidden away in the Common Room reading his latest book. His book was something safe to hide behind. He could lose himself in reading it, but he could also use it as a barrier against other people. He could hold it up in front of his face stopping others from looking directly at him, from talking with him, and it worked. People there left him alone.

He'd had his dinner - again a meal so overcooked that there was little taste to it - and now he was killing time before he went to bed. The television was playing loudly; two lads were playing table tennis; others were watching television or talking loudly in little groups. He could just hide behind his book, losing himself in it and cutting off the outside world.

It had been a year since TJ and Chrissy had left the ward. He didn’t expect to hear from them, but it also felt as if they had completely disappeared from the ward. No one talked about them or even mentioned their names. When he’d asked Aiden about them, and that hadn’t been for so long now, Aiden just quietly said he wasn’t allowed to tell Liam where they were and then Aiden changed the subject. It wasn’t as if Aiden was being nasty or rude - it was just one of those things Aiden wasn’t allowed to tell him. There were several things like that on the ward and Liam just lived with them.

There had been so much change on the ward in the previous year, as if the whole place had changed, or almost. All the patients on there had changed: even Wayne and Arron had been discharged. There was no one there from when he was first admitted. It was strange the first day he realised it: he was in the dining room, eating his lunch, sat on his own, and he took a moment to look around him. A girl was talking loudly with two lads, sat at a table near to the room’s door. She was laughing loudly, too loudly, tossing her head backwards and stroking her own hair with her left hand, while the two lads just ate their lunches, almost ignoring her. Liam remembered when each of the three of them were admitted to the ward. As he glanced around himself, the realisation slipped into his head: he remembered when everyone else, all the other patients eating their own meals, were admitted there. There wasn’t anyone left on the ward from when he was admitted.

He always told himself that he would be a patient on this ward for a long time. At some point he would be the longest admitted patient there, but not so soon. He was only fourteen that day, and there he was - the longest patient on the ward. He carried on eating his lunch, some taste still left in his food, and watched the other patients there. This was his life on the ward: his surroundings stayed the same, but it was the people there that changed.

Even the nurses on the ward had changed - not all of them, but enough to make it noticeable. However, any change in the nurses was noticeable. Gary and Cindi had left the ward. Aiden said they had gone to new jobs but nothing more. Again, they were people who just disappeared from his life: there was no point in questioning it - it just happened.

Someone laughed loudly, their voice carrying across the room. Liam looked around the corner of his book. Harry, one of the new nurses on the ward, was stood by the pool table and talking with two of the girls. One of the girls was laughing loudly, her head thrown back and her mouth open wide. People often did this around Harry, laughed loudly to whatever he said or agreed loudly with him. Harry was handsome and the kids on the ward seemed to flock to him, even the lads. There were always groups of kids around him on the ward. Liam was fascinated by Harry: he’d watch the man whenever he could, but he didn’t flock to Harry’s side - that was pathetic.

Harry was square jawed, with a very English handsomeness. His head was covered with thick, light brown hair that swept back over his head in smooth waves that just reached the back of his neck. His face was dominated by his square and strong features, the features of a hero actor in some war or adventure film. His body was muscular, the body of a man who regularly visited the gym, but not one who had pumped up and enlarged his muscles. His body was still lean, but with the gentle curves of his pecs, his slim waist, his bum pushing out at his jeans and his shapely thighs. He always stood upright, his body on display and not hunched over. Harry’s taste in clothes was certainly casual - flannel shirts worn over skinny jeans which were always black or dark blue.

He was fascinated by Harry because he was new, and he was very handsome to look at, but also by the way others reacted to him. The other kids on the ward, even the lads who would always talk about girls and girlfriends no one had met, flocked around Harry. It was pathetic the way they did that, almost throwing themselves at Harry just because he was handsome. But Liam did like looking at him.

Other nurses had also joined the ward. Tommy, the bright and softly feminine nurse, was now working full-time on the ward, not just filling in shifts at the weekends. He liked Tommy because Tommy didn’t seem to make a big deal of anything and he was always ready with a joke: some of them Liam didn’t understand, but he liked that Tommy joked with him. The other two new nurses were women and black, but they were also so different. Victoria was young and bright, always wearing fashionable and expensive looking clothes. She looked too young to be a nurse, barely out of her teens, or was it that she dressed and acted so young. She would have a different hairstyle every week. One week her hair was long, in thick corkscrew curls, the next week it was short and plaited in thin brands sweeping back across her head. It took him ages to realise that she wore wigs, not constantly physically changing her hair. The other new nurse was Pearl who certainly wasn’t as fashion conscious as Victoria. Pearl was middle-aged: her figure was made up of curves, curves pushing out her breasts and hips. Her choice of clothes was far plainer and more practical. She favoured shirts and trousers, t-shirts and cardigans. Her face was round, curving as the rest of her body, cheeks that curved outwards and a smile that lit-up her whole face. Her hair, black and worn cut in a very short even style that carpeted her head in smooth and tight curls.

He liked Pearl the most because she would always take a quiet interest in him. Regularly she would ask him how he was, but gently and without pressure, and she seemed to genuinely want to know how he was. If he said he was okay, she would accept that without pushing further. If he said he wasn’t, she would help him find some time alone: she’d allow him to sit alone in his room or have half-an-hour alone in the hospital’s garden. He liked it when Pearl was on duty.

Janet and Aiden still worked on the ward. He was quietly grateful they hadn’t left their jobs. Having them still there was reassuring. At least some things didn’t change.

His fifteenth birthday had been three months ago. He hadn’t expected much from it: his mother had completely disappeared from his life, and he barely thought about her now. He’d been surprised, on the day, by a birthday cake after that evening’s meal. The nurses, led by Janet, had made a fuss of him, and the cake was shared out amongst everyone on the ward. He’d used his surprise to hide his discomfort: shit, he hated being the centre of any attention. After the cake was eaten, Janet had given him his present from Mark. That turned out to be a dark red shirt and a black pair of chinos. They were so fine, almost too good to wear around the ward. Mark had previously just bought him books: he loved those books, but he was also reassured that they weren’t expensive. But those clothes were different: they must have been so expensive.

When Mark visited him the following Saturday, he’d worn his new clothes.

“Those clothes look good on you,” Mark said as soon as Liam sat down at his table in the Visiting Room.

“Thank you. They’re great,” he replied.

“I’m glad you like them.”

“They must have been expensive, too expensive,” Liam almost mumbled.

“Don’t worry - they weren’t. Anyway, I got Joyce to buy them for me and she’s an expert in shopping. She can sniff out a bargain a mile away.”

“Joyce?”

“My Office Manager, my right-hand-woman,” Mark replied.

“These clothes fit me so well.”

“Janet, your ward manager, gave me your measurements.”

“You know Janet?” It seemed strange that Mark knew Janet: they were in completely separate parts of his life. Janet was part of the ward, his physical life, while Mark was part of the outside world, the world that was closed off to him. How did those two worlds connect?

“I do a lot of work for the hospital now,” Mark said.

“What sort of work?”

“As a solicitor. You told Aiden, your nurse, about me, and that’s only right. He told Janet that I was still in contact with you and she contacted me. A lot of the patients here need a solicitor to represent them at court appearances and parole board hearings and such, and they were having trouble finding someone decent to do so. Most patients had a legal aid solicitor, but most of them didn’t have a clue about mental health law. I did a lot of reading up on that branch of law, especially when you were admitted here, I had to ensure you were being treated right, and you are. Anyway, Janet and I talked and she seemed very happy with my knowledge of the law, and she has been putting a lot of work my way. I actually enjoy the work. It’s different and rewarding. And in a way, the hospital has paid for your new clothes.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t want to tell you because it’s work and I want to keep the two separate. I enjoy coming to see you, but when I come here for work that’s very different.”

“I see,” Laim replied, and he did. Keeping two worlds apart. He knew so much about that.

On the ward, Aiden repeatedly told him that he needed to make new friends. He had enjoyed his friendships with TJ and Chrissy, but the loss of their friendships had hurt too much. It wasn’t that they rejected him, they just left his life. But the leaving had left a huge gap behind. The empty space so large, too large, and he didn’t know how to fill it.

He saw the other kids on the ward: so many of them came new to the ward and then left soon after. What was the point of trying to make friends when the person would be transferred somewhere else and that friendship would be killed in its tracks. And could he trust someone new? What if they found out about who he was, what he’d done? He had been lucky in TJ - TJ already knew and understood - but would someone else? He heard the things the new kids talked about, heard their hard and solid views. Could he risk it?

As the time stretched on, it became easier and easier to stay on his own. He’d been on his own before - it wasn’t difficult to be on his own again. It was probably how he would have to spend the rest of his life, so he should get used to it now. He heard the things Aiden said about the need for friendships, and Aiden was probably right - he usually was - but being on his own seemed to be for Liam his natural state of life. It was also so much safer being on his own.

The girl’s laughter cut throw the room’s noise, again. Liam looked up and saw the girl, stood in front of Harry, laughing. Her head was thrown back and she was laughing loudly, while Harry just smirked back at her. Why did people flock to handsome men? He’d seen that at school. There had been two male teachers who were so handsome, who put all the other teachers in the shade, and the kids had flocked around them. Not just the girls but the boys too, all of them vying for the man’s attention. The girls flirting, the boys boasting of their knowledge of football, of the latest game. It was pathetic and embarrassing to remember it.

Liam returned to reading his book.

<><><><>

Liam sat in the corner of the sofa, in the Common Room, reading his latest book. His lessons in the Education Centre had finished for the day, and now he had the time until dinner to fill, so he was reading. He had finally reached the last Harry Potter book, and this one was big, and heavy. He had to rest this book on his lap to read it. He’d lost the physical barrier this book could give him, but he wanted to read it. He’d read the other six books and he wanted to know how it all ended.

“Liam, can I introduce someone to you?” Aiden’s voice cut through his reading. He didn’t hear anyone approach him, but the Common Room was never quiet - there was always a high degree of noise and such there, and his attention was wrapped up in his book.

He looked up and found Aiden standing next to the sofa, but he wasn’t alone. Next to him stood a lad who looked to be the same age as Liam. The lad was shorter than Aiden, though he didn’t seem that small. His head was covered in thick and very shaggy black hair. His hair was uniformly black, but not the black from dye - this was a natural colour because Liam could see the light catching it, reflecting flexes of dark blue and dark purple. The lad’s face was round, but not fat or puffy, just a simple curving shape. It was dominated by large dark eyes and a large and full mouth. His lips were a dark red, though pressed together as an awkward frown pulled down at his face. The lad’s body seemed slim, though he had covered it up in thick layers of clothing. He wore a thick black jumper, the hem of which was starting to unravel, two strains of wool hanging off it. Under this he was wearing a dark red shirt, the collar of which pushed out above the jumper’s neck, and its shirttails hung down past the jumper’s bottom hem. He also wore very dark blue jeans and black plimsols, not trainers, but actual canvas plimsols. The lad was stood to one side of Aiden and slightly behind him and was watching Liam from under his shaggy black fringe.

“This is Ed. He’s just been admitted to the ward,” Aiden said.

“Hi,” Liam said to the new lad, Ed.

Ed just nodded back towards Liam.

“I thought you could show Ed around the ward and explain things to him,” Aiden said.

“Okay,” Liam replied, slipping his bookmark into his book and closing it.

“I’ve got a lot of paperwork to do, Janet isn’t here today,” Aiden added.

“Okay,” Liam added as he stood up from the sofa.

“Thanks,” Aiden said, giving Liam a broad smile before he hurried off.

“Hi,” Liam said to Ed again.

“Hi,” Ed replied. His voice had a heavy accent. Was it from South London or further south?

“We’re in The Common Room,” Liam said, with a little gesture to indicate where they were.

“What’s a Common Room?” Ed asked him.

“It’s like…” what was it like? “Like a big sitting room. There’s sofas and a telly, and the pool table. And over there, the long table where I do my homework from the Education Centre. And everyone just hangs out in here.”

“You’ve got a school here?”

“Yea. It’s the Education Centre. The teachers are great there.”

“I thought I won’t have to do school,” Ed said, his voice dropping with disappointment. “I hate school.”

“I’ll show you the rest of the ward,” Liam said. Maybe that would make Ed feel better.

He led Ed out into the ward’s main corridor.

“That’s the Nurses’ Office down there by the main entrance,” Liam said. “You can always find a nurse there, if you want one.”

“Why would I want one?” Ed asked, his voice now very flat in tone.

“If you do,” Liam replied. What else could he say? The nurses ran everything here.

“Here’s the Dining Room. It’s where we have all our meals,” he said as he turned towards the Dining Room. After only a few steps he was at the room’s door and pushed it open. Ed was at his side.

“It looks like the one at school,” Ed said.

“Yeah, it does.” He couldn’t remember his school’s dining room. The only image he could bring to mind were the yellow tables there, but agreeing sounded right.

“What’s the food like?”

“Okay.” It was a good enough answer.

Ed made a sound like sucking in air through his open mouth.

“Over there,” Liam said as he turned around, turning his back on the Dining Room, “is the Meeting Room.”

“What happens there?” He didn’t know if Ed was being sarcastic or not. Best treat it like a real question.

“All kinds of meetings - MDT meetings and all of them. Twice a week, too, we have Group meetings in there.”

“What’s that?”

“A group of us meet and talk about how we’ve been. Janet, the Ward Manager, always runs it and she’s good.”

“I won’t go. I hate shit like that.”

“You have to - it’s part of your treatment. We all have to go.”

“Fuck,” Ed hissed the word out through his lips.

“I’ll show you the laundry,” he said.

“The what?”

He led Ed along the corridor to the Laundry Room, which door was stood closed, as all the doors on the ward automatically closed themselves. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. The four large shiny metal washing machines were stood along one wall, all of their doors standing open. No one was using them.

“Here’s where we do our washing. The nurses always have washing powder and stuff, but we have to wash our own clothes,” he told Ed.

“I don’t know how to wash my clothes.”

“I can show you how to do it.”

“Whatever.” Ed turned away and returned back to the corridor.

He followed Ed, finding him just stood there in the middle of the corridor.

“This place is fucking shit,” Ed quietly said.

“It’s okay here.”

“I don’t want to be here,” Ed’s voice remained quiet.

“I know.” He did. He couldn’t forget his first day here.

Ed opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something, then closed it again, glancing away from Liam. Liam remained silent. What was he to do? Best do nothing when he didn’t know.

The next moment Ed turned back to him. Ed wasn’t smiling but his face had fallen into a plain expression that Liam couldn’t read.

“What is your book?”

Liam glanced down at his book, which he was still carrying.

“It’s the last Harry Potter book. It’s all getting a bit depressing though.”

“I’ve seen the films… most of them.”

“I’ve got all the books. I can lend you them if you want.”

“I don’t read,” Ed said, his voice flat again.

“We’ll go back to the Common Room.”

“I’m not going back to that shithole. I’m going to my room and… Well, it’s not so bad there.”

“I’ll tell Pearl, the nurse in the Common Room, where you are.”

“What?”

“We have to tell the nurses where we are, always.”

“I hate this fucking place,” Ed quietly said and then walked away.

Liam stood there for a moment, quietly watching him walk away. What an angry, little boy. Had he been like that when he came here? No, he hadn’t. He’d been… That had been ages ago.

Why had Aiden asked him to show Ed around? What had been the point?

Liam turned away and headed back to the Common Room.