The World Out There - 41. Forty-One

Liam dumped the laundry basket down on his bed. He’d have to empty it and his jeans were only just covering his underpants but Ed would see his underpants. He could just grab all his clothes and shove them into his wardrobe though Ed would think he was crazy.

Ed dropped down onto Liam’s bed, next to the laundry basket.

“Hurry up and we can go and watch TV,” Ed said.

“Is there anything on?”

“I don’t know. If its shit, you can read your book.”

“Okay.”

He’d have to be quick and hope Ed didn’t see his underwear.

Liam pulled his wardrobe door open and then turned back to his washing.

“Your bed is more comfy than mine,” Ed said.

“Aren’t all the beds the same,” Liam replied as he picked out his jeans from the laundry basket.

“You wear briefs,” Ed explained.

“What?” He looked over and saw Ed staring into the laundry basket.

“You wear briefs. I wear them too. I haven’t thought about what undies you’d wear.”

“Why haven’t you?”

“I don’t know. Do you think about what undies I wear?”

“Not really.” He had dreamt about Ed sleeping next to him and… They had just lain next to each other in bed, a surprisingly large bed, both dressed in matching pyjamas. It had been a strange but comforting dream. Why was he thinking about it now?

He quickly folded his jeans up and put them on their shelf in his wardrobe.

“What’s that?” Ed said, suddenly leaning forward and staring into Liam’s wardrobe.

“What’s what?”

“That.” Ed jumped up from Liam’s bed and pushed himself partly into Liam’s wardrobe.

“Hey! What’re you doing?” Liam protested.

“You’ve got a teddy bear.”

“So what?” Liam said. The back of his neck began to prickle with embarrassment.

“He’s cute. Can I pick him up?” Ed turned to look at Liam as he asked, a small smile creeping across his face.

“Yes.”

Ed reached into the wardrobe and picked up Mr Bear, Liam’s old teddy bear. In a quick movement, Ed was back sitting on Liam’s bed, but he now had Mr Bear sat on his lap. Ed turned Mr Bear to look up at him.

“What’s his name?” Ed asked him.

“Mr Bear,” Liam replied. “I know … not a great name, but I’ve had him since I was really little.”

“I had a teddy bear, but I called him Beckham. I was dead little when my real dad gave him to me. My real dad was really into Man United, the football club. I wasn’t that into it, but I liked David Beckham - he played for them back then. I liked him but he was dead hot too. So, I called my teddy Beckham. David’s a stupid name for a teddy bear.”

Ed was speaking to him, but Ed’s eyes remained on Mr Bear as his thumbs stroked the fur behind Mr Bear’s ears.

“What happened to Beckham, your teddy bear?”

“When I was eight, my mum said I was too old for teddy bears and she threw out Beckham Bear when I was at school. I hated her for it.”

“I’m sorry,” Liam said. What else could he say? His mother had done so many things that upset him but never something so cruel.

“That’s my mum all over, and I still hate her.” Ed looked up at him and his face lifted back into a smile. “How did you get Mr Bear into here?”

“My mum brought him in for me.”

“That’s nice.”

“I don’t know. It was the first time she visited me here. She brought all these carrier bags full of clothes for me. I think someone told her to bring them. At the bottom of one of the bags was Mr Bear. I was surprised to see him, but I was… I was glad to see him.”

“That’s still nice of her.”

“It’s one of the few times she’s ever been nice to me.”

“Yeah, parents can be shit,” Ed said as he lent back on Liam’s bed.

“Yes.”

Liam returned his attention to the laundry basket and carried on putting away his clean clothes.

<><><><>

Liam slumped back on the sofa in the Common Room. Some dumb Saturday morning cooking show was playing on the television there. For a moment he watched it. An over-animated woman was talking to a bald-headed man about vegetables Liam had never heard of. He’d been on his own in there for too long now.

He missed Ed, even just having Ed sitting next to him and watching television. They didn’t need to talk, just to sit together and share each other’s company. Now he was sitting there, on his own, and he wanted Ed back. Was he being selfish? Ed had been so excited, all week about this visit, looking forward to it with almost breathless anticipation. At the beginning of the week Ed received a letter from his real dad, a short handwritten letter, saying Ed’s dad would visit him that coming Saturday, today.

As they ate their breakfast together, Ed was almost bouncing with excitement, the words pouring out of his mouth between forkfuls of food. His real dad was coming to see him - the man was traveling all this way just to see Ed and Ed hadn’t seen him in so long.

Ed was taken off to the Visiting Room by the nurse Tommy at a little before ten o’clock. But as he waited for his real dad to arrive, Ed was a bag of nerves, sitting, perched on the edge of a sofa, twitching and chattering away. It was so frustrating, having to just watch Ed and not being able to say “calm down”. What could Liam have done? He just had to watch Ed and hope it would be over soon.

After Ed left with Tommy, a moment of peace fell over Liam. He could read his book without Ed’s constant chatter and movement. But soon he was missing Ed. Sitting there, on his own, was so uncomfortable. He couldn’t even concentrate on reading, not sat there alone.

Liam leant back against the sofa. Did he take this long when Mark visited him? He’d never timed himself. Why would he time his visits with Mark?

The sound of loud and sudden laughter snapped at his attention, but when he looked up, he saw that it was the woman and man on the television - and they were laughing so falsely.

The room’s doors opened and Ed rushed through them followed by Tallulah, the nurse. Ed rushed across the room and dropped down onto the sofa next the Liam. The sofa gave a shudder from the impact under Liam’s body.

“I saw my dad, my real dad!” Ed told him, Ed’s face was alive with pleasure.

“You said you would,” Liam replied.

“He looked so good and he said he was happy. Happy in himself, not because I’m here. He’s got a new girlfriend, but he calls her his partner, called Gayle. He said he’s going to come back and see me every month if he can. I’m going to see him again. I haven’t seen him in ages but my mum didn’t let me see him.” The words tumbled out of Ed’s mouth as his face filled up with that excitement too.

“That’s good.”

“He also brought me some clothes, new briefs too, and a lot of chocolate. He remembered I like chocolate. But the nurses took them off me. They said they had to check them.”

“They have to look for contraband. But you’ll get them soon,” Liam said, he’d experienced that enough with the things Mark brought him.

“What’s contraband?”

“I don’t know but I know we’re not supposed to have it.”

“Do you like chocolate?”

“Yes! Who doesn’t?”

“I’ll share it with you when I get it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Ed smiled back at him.

<><><><>

Liam put the last square of chocolate into his mouth. He didn’t bite into it, he just let it lay on his tongue and start to melt. He’d done this as a little kid, as a way to make his chocolate last as long as possible because his mother didn’t buy him it often. But this was the bar Ed was sharing with him.

As the chocolate melted it released its rich and sweet flavour. He also loved this moment, his mouth full of that sweet flavour - savour it, enjoy it, make it last - that’s what he wanted. But it was too much and waiting became too much. He pushed his tongue into the roof of his mouth, smearing chocolate around his mouth, and swallowed the sweet taste.

They were both sat together on Ed’s bed in his room, and they had both just eaten one of Ed’s bars of chocolate. As they ate lunch together, Ed leant forward and said, “Don’t have pudding. We’ll have some of my chocolate in my room, instead.”

“You sure?” Liam asked.

“Yeah, I said we’d share it.”

“Thanks. It’s custard today.”

“Ugh,” Ed wrinkled his face in mock distaste.

Now they were sat together on Ed’s bed after eating one of Ed’s bars of chocolate, between them, half each. It was ages since he’d eaten chocolate. It was never anything his mother bought regularly - she was always saying she was on a diet and couldn’t have it or else she couldn’t afford it, or even both. Chocolate had been something special, a birthday present or such, or something he saved up from the small amount of pocket money he was given. Since he’d come to Nurton Cross, chocolate was a special treat, not something on his everyday menu. Here he was - sharing a whole bar of it with Ed. They ate it in silence, both seeming to enjoy the taste. The sweet and slightly sticky flavour had filled Liam’s mouth with its smooth and creamy texture which seemed to remain in his mouth moments after he actually swallowed it.

This must be why people liked chocolate so much and kept going on about it so much, but he just kept forgetting about it. Chocolate wasn’t something that featured very often in his life.

“That was good,” Ed said.

“It was! Thanks.”

“Let’s have another one?”

“Shouldn’t you keep them for another day? Make them last?”

“Yeah, my dad only gave me four bars,” Ed said. “You have the better ideas.”

“Thanks.”

Ed leant back on his bed too, “And I’ll share them with you.”

“Thanks,” Liam said.

“I can’t not share them with you. I really like you.”

“I like you too.”

Ed leant forward, his body bridging the gap between them, the small gap between them, Ed’s face pressing into his own, and then they were kissing. Ed’s lips brushed over Liam’s, a soft but instant pressure. Liam almost sighed with the enjoyment of it all and opened his mouth, just parting his lips. Suddenly Ed’s tongue was inside his mouth, and it wasn’t unpleasant. It was very pleasant. He pushed, stroked his own tongue against Ed’s, slipped his own tongue into Ed’s mouth.

This was how adults kissed. This was how lovers kissed. He liked it, he really liked it. The idea didn’t repulse him and…

His lungs were burning, he needed to breathe. He hadn’t breathed!

He pulled back, breaking their kiss, and took a hurried and deep breath, pulling air into his empty lungs, and then took another hurried breath, and another one, the fresh air quickly cooling the heat in his lungs.

“You all right?” Ed’s voice asked him.

He looked up into Ed’s face.

“Sorry, I forgot to breathe.”

“What?” Ed’s face screwed-up in puzzlement.

“I’ve never kissed before, not like that, not anyway really.” Did the kiss TJ gave him count?

“Never? Not ever?”

“Not before you.”

“Then there’s loads of other things we can do,” Ed said, sliding his hand up Liam’s thigh. The caress of Ed’s fingers felt good, too good, but no.

“No, please, don’t,” Liam quietly said, placing his hand over Ed’s hand, stopping Ed’s hand moving up his thigh.

“Don’t you like it?”

“I do like it, and I really like you, really, really like you. But not here. I can’t do it here.”

“What, here in my room?”

“No, here at Nurton Cross,” Liam said.

“Why?... Have you done it before?”

“No,” Liam quietly admitted.

“Right,” Ed replied. “I’ve done it loads. I did it with boys at school, lots of them. They like you if you do, well some of them.”

Ed leant back on his bed, his back resting against the wall, and stared off into space for a long moment. It seemed like a long moment. Liam didn’t know what to say. He’d admitted he was a big virgin and Ed wasn’t, Ed was far from being one. Would that put Ed off him?

“Yeah,” Ed said, still staring ahead of himself, “this wouldn’t be the right place to do it, for your first time. My first time was in the bogs at school. It stank of toilet cleaner, and I didn’t really like the lad I was doing it with.” Ed turned to face him, a bright and full smile on his face. “I really like you. I think I want our first time to be special. Yeah, I really like you and our first time should be special.”

“Thanks,” he smiled back at Ed.

“And I won’t want any nurse walking in on us. Fuck, they’d never shut-up about it.”

“Yes.”

Ed stared back at him for another long moment, but it wasn’t an awkward moment, Liam didn’t panic and try and fill the silence with words. He just watched Ed, looked at Ed’s small but so attractive features.

“Why are you here? What did you do that got you here?” Ed asked.

“Janet said we’re not supposed to talk about what brought us here.”

“It’s me. I’m not some wanker in The Group who won’t shut-up about it.”

“I don’t know. I’ve always kept quiet about it,” he admitted.

“I’m here because I set fire to my stepdad,” Ed calmly said.

“What?”

“He’d been messing about with me for ages.”

“Is that why you started doing it with other boys?”

“No. I’d been messing around with other boys for a bit before that, after my real dad left. He left my mum, but he was gone and I didn’t see him. I liked that other boys liked me, some of them did, because I did things for them.”

“What happened with your stepdad?”

“My mum met him and he moved in with us dead quick. It was after that he… well he started messing about with me. It was all right to do it with other boys because I did what I wanted to do. But my stepdad made me do things I didn’t want to do and some of them hurt. It got worse when he bought us this new house with a garden. I liked our old house, it was little, but it was all right. But my mum really liked the new house and its garden. He had a shed at the bottom of that garden and he did his stuff to me in there.”

“Did you tell anyone about it all? What he was doing to you, I mean.”

“I tried to tell my mum, but she slapped me. She told me off for trying to lie about my stepdad.”

“Yes. My mum would have done that if one of her boyfriends was doing that to me,” Liam said. His mother had got angry at him if he hadn’t said her latest boyfriend was great, even if he was worse than the last one. She’d have gone crazy if he’d accused one of them of doing that to him. She would have certainly taken sides with her boyfriend. Shit, why was he thinking about her now?

“It got worse after he got that fucking shed,” Ed quietly said. “He really started to do some awful shit with me.”

“What happened?” Liam quietly asked.

“I saw this film on telly where these American gangsters or something locked a guy in this wooden hut out in the woods, and set it on fire, with him still inside of it. My stepdad’s shed was all made of wood. So, one Saturday, while my mum was out and my stepdad was in his shed, I got the can of paraffin my mum kept, poured it all around my stepdad’s shed, locked the shed from the outside and set fire to it. It went up really quickly, I had to run back to the house, or it would have set me on fire too. Dead quick the whole shed was on fire and my stepdad was banging away at the door and… Fuck, it was too much, I’d done too much. My mum came home then, as my stepdad bursts the shed door open, he was all on fire. My mum pushes me out of the way and turns the hosepipe on him, as she gets him to roll all over the grass, and he’s screaming so much. Then she calls 999. The police, a fire engine and an ambulance all turn up. The police asked me what happened, so I said, ‘I did it’, because I had.”

“What happened then?”

“My mum went to hospital with him, and the police took me to a police station. I had to wait ages on my own in this stupid kid’s room. Then they got me a solicitor and a social worker. Seems I had to have both my solicitor said, and she kept on saying that I wasn’t to call her my lawyer, because that was American and we’re not. She went on and on about that. Then I sat in this interview room with my solicitor and social worker and two coppers, though they weren’t wearing uniform. They were like coppers on detective shows on the telly. They asked me loads of questions and I answered them I’d done it. My solicitor didn’t say much. She seemed dead shocked, but the social worker wouldn’t shut up. She was always telling the police something or other and you could see it was pissing them off. I told them what my stepdad had been doing to me, in his shed, and how I hated it, and I only set it on fire to stop him. I didn’t tell them about getting the idea off the telly because they might have thought I was crazy.”

“Did they send you to a special children’s home?” Liam could see the pattern of Ed’s story now. It was where his own had led.

“Yeah, and I hated it there.”

“Me too.”

“I got loads of people coming to see me there. All these doctors and lawyers and such, and I told them all what I’d done and why I’d done it. Then there’s this hearing in court, and my solicitor says that it’s dead important and will tell them if I’m going to court to be tried or what. Then that day comes and they take me to something called Family Court, which isn’t like court on TV. Everyone is sitting around these tables and the judge was a woman, though she was dead old. My mum was there but not my stepdad. They had their own lawyer who kept saying my stepdad was still in hospital. Then they told me I couldn’t prove what my stepdad had done to me, and he was saying he hadn’t.”

“Why?” Liam asked.

“My stepdad had his computer and his digital camera and all that shit all there in his shed. When I set fire to it, it burnt the shed down, but it destroyed all his computer stuff. The pictures he’d taken of me as he did it to me, all those pictures of other kids he’d downloaded from the internet, and everything else, was all burnt up and ruined. No one could prove what I said. I was… well… you know.”

“Yes, I do,” he agreed with Ed, and he did know what Ed meant.

“Well, this doctor was there. One who’d seen me in the children’s home. He speaks up and says I should come here. He says I’m disturbed and I fucking was. A week later and they admit me here. I still don’t know if this is good or bad for me, but I like it here. I do now.” Ed smiled at him, that bright and attractive smile of his.

“I’m glad you’re here too,” Liam said, but as soon as the words left his mouth, he saw what they sounded like. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s not good that you have to be here,” the words hurriedly tumbled out of his mouth.

“I know what you meant,” Ed replied, and then reached over and took hold of Liam’s hand. Ed’s fingers gently squeezed his hand.

“Thanks,” he said.

“So, how did you get here?” Ed quietly asked him.

“There was this lad and his mates at school who were bullying me. It was shit and I hated it. They’d even follow me home. They wouldn’t stop.”

“Yeah, that’s shit.”

“I took one of my mum’s knives from the kitchen at home to school. She never cooked so she’d never miss it. I only took it to school for protection, to try and scare him off. He picked on me at break, as he always did. Didn’t matter where I would hide, he’d always find me. That day I pulled the knife out of my school bag and told him to leave me alone. But he didn’t. He shouted at me that I was a coward and… other stuff… I lashed out at him to stop him, and I stabbed him and… I got carried away and I just kept stabbing at him because it made him weak and… And then he was dead - and I’d killed him… The police arrested me. They put me on trial, found me guilty and here I am.”

Liam stopped and took a deep breath of air. Ed wasn’t going to run away after hearing that but… but Ed was the first person he’d willingly told that story to. Not forced out of him, the way Britney Turner had done it. He didn’t have to tell Ed the way he had been required to do so before his trial to all those police, doctors, lawyers and psychologists - well only the one psychologist - but still a lot of people. With Ed, he chose to tell him, but it had still been such a big jump. Liam took in another deep breath of air.

“I thought that was you, but I didn’t know how to say it,” Ed quietly said.

“What?” Liam turned his head and looked at Ed’s face. Ed was smiling, but a small and gentle smile.

“I remember seeing it on the TV, but they called you ‘Boy A’ or something. It was all over the news - a kid had stabbed another kid in a school playground. But it was the way they said it, about how you attacked him, I knew you were fighting back, I knew you were being bullied. I was bullied at school, and I knew it had happened to you. Everything they said about what happened told me you were bullied, and I thought, ‘Fuck yeah, kill the bastard!’ - your bully.”

“It wasn’t right what I did.”

“I know, but I was only eleven back then. But it felt good to see someone giving it to a bully.”

“You where bullied?” Liam asked. Ed was quiet, or had been when he first came here, but he’d never seemed weak.

“I’m short! Course I was fucking bullied. Then I started messing around with other lads and, well some of them started looking after me. Some lads really like getting off and will look after you for doing so.”

“And you recognised me from those news reports?” Liam asked.

“Fuck, no. They put this picture of you up on the internet when you were on trial. It had your name too, but I didn’t remember that. I remembered that picture. You don’t look anything like that now, so I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know it was you. But you telling me, I now know. I sort of looked up to you back when I was eleven. Fucking stupid, I know, but you were someone who fought back.”

“I still feel terrible for what I did. It still haunts me,” Liam admitted.

“Course it will. I still have nightmares about setting my stepdad on fire and he was a bastard.”

“Thanks.”

“You can tell me about your nightmares, if you want to,” Ed said.

“You can too,” Liam quietly replied.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad you’re here too.”

Liam gave Ed’s hand a short and gentle squeeze.

<><><><>

Aiden met him in the Education Centre that following Thursday afternoon. Liam was just finishing his work for the afternoon when he looked up and saw Aiden standing just within the room’s doorway. The man was wearing his dark green shirt again, only the collar button left open, while the rest were firmly buttoned up. Aiden seemed to be wearing that shirt a lot recently. Liam packed away his work as Mrs Devine approached him.

“Your nurse is here,” she said.

“Thanks,” Liam replied.

As Aiden led him down the stairs, on their way back to the ward, Aiden said, “I thought we’d have a chat now.”

“Can we go to the games room?” The few times he’d been there, recently, it had always been filled with other kids. It was noisy and busy and… He hated that.

“No, we can’t, sorry. There’s been a leak in the ceiling and it’s been closed until its fixed.”

“A big leak?”

“No, it’s only one ceiling tile but Thomasina, the Audit Nurse, says we can’t use it until its fixed.” Aiden replied, an annoyed note rippling through his voice.

Liam had never met Thomasina, the Audit Nurse, but he’d heard other nurses talk about her and no one seemed to like her. Quietly, he wanted to meet her, to see why no one else seemed to like her.

“We’ll talk in one of the quiet rooms,” Aiden added.

The quiet room where they sat down together looked the way it always did. Some days, he barely noticed his surroundings; today, he glanced around himself for a moment’s reassurance. Things were still the same.

“How are you and Ed getting along?” Aiden asked as soon as they settled down in their chairs.

“I really like him. I like that we’re friends.”

“People have noticed that you two spend a lot of time together and that you two have been alone in each other’s rooms.”

“We like being together,” Liam said. He could feel the note of protest creeping into his voice.

“You’re only fifteen and Ed is fourteen.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Both of you are under the age of consent.” The sides of Liam’s face started to burn hot with embarrassment. He looked down at his feet resting there on the carpet. “Patients aren’t allowed to have sex with each other in the hospital. It wouldn’t be appropriate and there’s the question of consent,” Aiden said.

“We’re not having sex,” Liam pushed the words out as quickly as he could. Shit, he didn’t want to talk about this.

“I’m sorry, but I had to ask.”

“Why?” he didn’t look up at Aiden as he asked it.

“Several nurses noticed you two spending so much time together alone in your rooms. People were concerned.”

“I’ve never done it before – sex, I mean.” He looked up at Aiden’s face and saw the man’s cheeks graced with a flush of pale pink across them. Was Aiden embarrassed too?

“I had kind of guessed that.”

“Ed has, he told me.”

“And he’s told me too.”

“I don’t want to do it here. This isn’t the right place not for my first time and… It won’t be right here.” Liam stopped. Ed had easily understood it. This just wasn’t the right place - the idea made him feel so uncomfortable. How could he make Aiden understand that?

“I can see that,” Aiden said. “But we have to think about your safety too. We don’t want you pressured into something you don’t want to do.”

“Ed would never do that. He understood when I said I didn’t want to do it here.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to stop being friends with Ed. Don’t move him somewhere else.”

“Dear God, that won’t happen! We can see how good your friendship is for both of you. It’s helped both of you. You’ve helped Ed to settle down onto the ward and he’s given you so much confidence. I’d fight anyone who stupidly said we should split you two up, and I won’t be on my own either.”

“Thanks.”

“But we have to think about your well-being, and you’re growing up. We need to start talking about sex.”

“Not today,” Liam gasped.

“Okay not today, but soon. Don’t worry, I’m not going to embarrass you or anything. We just need to talk about this sensibly. Okay?”

“Okay. I guess so.”

“Now, how are you getting on in the Education Centre?”

Liam could feel his face lifting into a smile of relaxation.

“I’ve been doing this history project,” Liam started to explain.

<><><><>

Dinner that evening was roast chicken thighs, roast potatoes and a pile of green vegetables, but as always it had been kept warm for so long that most of the food’s flavour had leeched out of it. The differences Liam noticed was in the texture of the food, the way his fork pulled it apart. He was used to this - his food rarely had much flavour, and what he remembered of his mother’s cooking, there was no difference. He didn’t remember her doing anything but reheating his meals.

Ed, sat on the opposite side of the table from him, was hungrily almost shovelling his food into his mouth. Ed never spoke about what food his mother had cooked for him but rarely spoke about his life before Nurton Cross. With what Ed had told him barely a handful of days ago, Liam wasn’t surprised.

“I’ve been having a think,” Ed said, pausing between mouthfuls of food.

“What about?” Liam asked.

“About us, you and me.”

“What about us?”

“You not having done it before. You know what.”

“Yes,” Liam said. This wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, especially not here in the Dining Room. It had been awkward enough in Ed’s room, at least they had been private there. Here anyone could overhear them.

“I was thinking, one day we’ll both get out of here. They can’t keep us here forever.”

“Yes,” Liam replied. It was true but not something he thought about.

“When we’re both out of here, we could go away together to some hotel and get a big double bed. There we could do it properly. You’d do it for the first time, properly, and I’d do it properly too.”

“Properly, for you?” Liam asked. Hadn’t Ed already done it before, loads of times.

“Yeah, properly. Not on my knees in some school bog, but in a bed with someone I care about. It’ll be great.”

“It sounds great.”

“It will be great. You and me and no one else.”

“Something to look forward to.”

“I heard people do it all the time - go away to hotels to do it,” Ed said.

“I haven’t heard of that.”

“Not in those books of yours.”

“No.”

“Then you’re reading the wrong books,” Ed smiled back at him.