The World Out There - 40. Forty

It was so easy to be friends with Ed. Ed liked to talk, but it wasn’t all one-sided. Ed would ask him questions and expected him to be just as involved as Ed was in the conversation. He wanted to hear Liam’s side of things too. Ed was also his constant companion around the ward. They would sit at the same table together to eat their meals. They always sat together in the Common Room, whether they were on a sofa together, watching television, or sat at the long table there doing their homework, or Liam doing his homework and then helping Ed with his.

They didn’t have to be constantly talking though: they could sit in silence together and it didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. Whenever he’d sat in silence with his mother, he was often worrying what he’d done wrong, waiting for her to explode with anger at him, her silence being the prelude to her anger breaking. With Ed, being silent together was comfortable and relaxing. They would often be watching television together and if a program would come on he wasn’t interested in, he picked up his book, from down beside him, and start to read it. Ed would quietly say, “You not interested in it?” “No,” he’d replied. Then Ed would nod his agreement and carry on watching the television as Liam read his book.

With his friendship with Chrissy and TJ, he and TJ were very much Chrissy’s audience, with TJ throwing in regular putdowns. It had been comfortable and safe then - he could hide away under all of Chrissy’s talk. He didn’t have to put himself forward.

With Ed it was different: with Ed he was opening up, letting Ed know about himself, just as much as Ed was telling Liam about himself, and it felt good. He didn’t have to be positive with Ed: if he was feeling down or off, if he’d had a very poor night’s sleep, then he could just tell Ed and Ed would accept it. Ed wouldn’t badger him with questions about how he was feeling - he’d just accept that Liam wasn’t feeling great. And when things went well, then he could share it with Ed too.

“This Ed boy sounds special,” Mark said one Saturday.

Liam was sat across a table in the Visitors Room from Mark, and Mark’s comment had suddenly pulled him up short. He had been chatting on and on about Ed to Mark. Had he been chattering away too much? Was he being boring?

“Sorry, was I going on too much?”

“Don’t worry,” Mark said. “It’s nice to hear you so happy about someone else.”

“He’s a really good friend and… And I like being with him.”

“That’s good too. We need good friends - they can be so good for us.”

“My nurse, Aiden, says the same thing. He says I need friends.”

“And Aiden is a very smart guy,” Mark said.

Liam nodded his agreement with Mark. He just liked being with Ed because Ed was such an easy person to be around.

Aiden had noticed the same thing but only earlier. He was meeting with Aiden about a week after Ed was admitted to the ward, and Aiden said, “I see you’re friends with Ed.”

He was spending one of his regular times with just Aiden. They were walking in the hospital’s garden.

Liam felt embarrassment prickle at the back of his neck. Of course, Aiden would notice that - wasn’t it his job?

“Ed’s great. I really like being with him,” Liam replied.

“It’s good you’re making friends.”

“I just like being with him. He’s… he’s easy to be with.”

“That’s good,” Aiden said.

The strangest reaction to his friendship with Ed came from Pearl. She seemed to have a nickname for him and Ed, especially when they were together. When she found them together, especially when she had come to escort them to the Education Centre, she’d say, “Ah, there’s my Jonathan and David.” And she would always smile as she said it.

Who were Jonathan and David? Why did he and Ed remind her of them? He should have asked her, but Pearl seemed so happy when she called him and Ed that, smiling at them. Maybe it was her own personal joke? But he liked Pearl, and she was so nice towards him and to Ed too.

<><><><>

He and Ed would often go for walks in the hospital’s garden. They usually got to walk in there at a weekend, Saturday or Sunday mornings. The nurses always seemed reluctant to let people go out there in weekday afternoons, though there always seemed some activity or other on in the ward every afternoon.

That Saturday was a bright spring morning. He’d had a visit from Mark two weekends before and the ward was quiet. There seemed so little activity there. Most of the other kids were watching television in the Common Room. Harry, one of the nurses on duty, readily agreed for him and Ed to take another walk in the hospital’s garden.

As they walked along the gravel path, Ed was chatting away about Peter John who had him carving wood in the Education Centre the day before. When they reached the top curve of the path, the part furthest away from the side of the hospital’s building, they sat down on the bench placed there, set back a little from the path. It had sort of become their favourite bench, though neither of them had said so or even picked it out - it was just the bench they always sat on together.

The wood of the bench was cool against his body through his clothes, but it was also comfortable. He lent back against it. Ed stopped talking almost the moment he sat down, as if the cold comfort of the bench took his words away.

Liam rested his hands down on the bench, palm down on the cool wood, on either side of his body. He did it for comfort, not to balance himself or such, just somewhere to place his hands.

A moment later he felt Ed place his own hand over Liam’s left hand, the one resting on the bench between them. Ed’s hand was warm, soft, comfortable against his own hand, but it was also so unexpected. They’d never held hands before. They barely touched each other and he didn’t think Ed was…

He looked down at his left hand, covered by Ed’s right hand, Ed’s slightly smaller right hand that didn’t completely cover his own hand.

“What are you doing?” he asked Ed.

“I want to hold your hand,” Ed replied.

“Do you think I’m queer?”

“Does it matter what I think?”

Liam took a slow and long breath of air, the cool air rushing into his lungs.

“Are you queer?” he quietly asked Ed.

“Yes,” Ed quietly replied.

The silence hung between them for a long moment. So…Ed was…

“Are you queer?” Ed quietly asked him, as he gave Liam’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“I don’t know…” He replied. But was he? Ed’s hand was warm and comfortable, it felt so good sitting there, Ed’s hand covering his own.

Carefully he turned his hand over, stopping when their hands rested palm-to-palm, and then he wrapped his fingers around Ed’s hand, slowly taking hold of Ed’s hand. Ed’s fingers closed around his own hand. They were holding hands.

“I think I might be,” he quietly told Ed.

“That’s good,” Ed replied.

Ed’s palm was warm against his own, but also comfortable. Just holding Ed’s hand was comfortable and reassuring. Was this why people held hands? If it was then it was good.

They sat there in silence, but not an awkward or difficult one. He didn’t feel the rush to fill the silence with words.

Sounds of feet rushing on the gravel path snapped Liam back to where he was. Quickly he slipped his hand out from Ed’s and pushed it back into his jeans pocket.

“There you two are!” Tallulah, the nurse’s voice called out, as she rounded the corner of the path.

<><><><>

Liam stretched out in bed. Again, he couldn’t sleep, his mind was racing with thoughts that forced sleep far away. He couldn’t stop thinking about holding Ed’s hand, that morning. Over and over, his mind replayed holding Ed’s hand, how warm and comfortable Ed’s hand felt, how good he felt.

He liked Ed. He really liked being friends with Ed and he liked holding Ed’s hand. He really liked his friendship with Ed, but he hadn’t thought it was anything else. But then Ed held his hand and… Were they still just friends? Did friends hold hands?

He remembered seeing girls at school holding hands, walking arm-in-arm with their best friends. Girls did that, well girls at his old school. He hadn’t seen any girls on the ward doing that. But he didn’t remember lads doing that at his old school. Lads didn’t hold their friends’ hands. Lads belittled and bullied other lads for the slightest signs they were gay.

Was he gay? He’d told Ed he was queer because… Well Ed said he was queer. Did Ed expect him to say he was too? But was he? He liked Ed, really liked Ed, and liked holding Ed’s hand and… he didn’t know. Why was all this so difficult?

If someone could just tell him what was happening? But who? Could he talk to Aiden about this? He’d talked to Aiden about killing… well the killing, but talking about holding Ed’s hand seemed too… Too personal and… Aiden always seemed to know what was happening but… But this… He couldn’t talk to Ed about this because… It would sound like a rejection… to say he was confused about holding Ed’s hand to Ed when Ed seemed so happy about it.

Was there a book he could read? How would he find it? Who could he ask? He couldn’t just go up to Mrs Williams and ask her if there was a book he could read that would show him what was happening to him?

He turned onto his side, drawing his knees up to his stomach and let out a big and long yawn, sleep was at last catching up with him.

<><><><>

The next morning, Sunday morning, Liam was sat at a table in the Dining Room. His breakfast was toast and fruit juice. He hated cereal, and that was his usual breakfast. He looked up as he heard the chair at his table being pulled out. Ed was sitting down there, holding a large bowl of cornflakes.

“Morning,” Ed said, putting his bowl on the table, and smiling back at him. Ed’s face radiated that smile - it didn’t just push up the corners of his mouth - it actually shone out of his eyes. It was such a welcoming expression.

“Hi,” Liam replied, and smiled back at Ed.

It was so good to have Ed here.

<><><><>

Two weekends later, Mark visited him.

In the two weeks leading up to that, he found himself drawing even closer to Ed. They were still going out for “walks” in the hospital’s garden whenever they could and holding hands as soon as they were out of sight of the hospital building, or when they thought they were. They would also sneak other moments to hold hands, or just touch fingers. When they could, they would sit in Liam’s room and hold hands, usually in the afternoon after classes in the Education Centre, and after they’d done their homework. But that depended on which nurse was on duty. Pearl happily let them sit together in Liam’s room, but other nurses, like Harry, Elizabeth or Val, insisted they stay in the Common Room, mixing with the other kids. Thus, they would have to sneak touching hands, or even just touching fingers, when they were sure no one was watching them. They would be sitting together on a sofa there, making sure there was space between them. He’d rest his hand down on the sofa, on the empty space between them, then Ed would place his own hand down on the sofa cushion between them, gently caressing the side of Liam’s hand with his little finger. No one could see them. They could take a moment of near handholding in secret.

That Saturday morning, Tommy collected him from the ward and took him to the Visitor’s Room. Tommy was especially chatty that morning, talking about Liam’s “friend” waiting to see him. Tommy put a strange emphasis on friend. Liam just mumbled his agreement as Tommy unlocked and locked all the doors they had to pass through.

Mark was waiting for him in the Visitor’s Room, sitting at one of the tables near the window, where he usually did. He was wearing a crumpled white linen shirt, under a dark green waistcoat and over equally dark blue jeans. Today he looked casual and comfortable, and he smiled warmly at Liam.

Mark, at first, chatted away about a scandal where he lived. A local man, a church organist, had just disappeared, fallen off the face of the earth. As always, Mark’s story was interesting – Mark had a way of telling a story that could hold Liam’s attention. Was it because he was a solicitor? However, this day, Liam also found himself becoming desperate to ask Mark his question. Surely Mark was the only person he knew he could ask this question to.

Finally, Mark’s story came to an end. Liam quietly drew in a breath of air and asked Mark, “How do you know if you really like someone?”

“Is it this boy, Ed?”

“It’s… it’s complicated.”

“It is that Ed,” Mark quietly said.

“I like him, but I don’t know how much I like him.”

“You like him as a friend or more?” Again, Mark quietly asked.

“I really like having him as a friend. He’s so easy to be a friend with, but… Well, the other week he held my hand. We were sitting out in the hospital’s garden.”

“Did you want him to?”

“I didn’t ask him to, but I really liked it, and we’ve been holding hands all the time, ever since.”

“You two have been wondering around the ward holding hands?”

“No,” he felt embarrassment prickle at the back of his neck. Of course, he won’t do anything like that. “We do it when there’s no one else around.”

“God, nothing has changed.”

“What?”

Mark gave him a small but friendly smile. “I had a friend at school, Hector, who I had a huge crush on. When we were alone, we would just hold hands. I think we were so naïve that was all that we knew to do.”

“What happened to Hector?” Liam asked. Suddenly it was something to deflect his embarrassment with. Why had he asked Mark about Ed?

“His parents moved to Edinburgh, and I never saw him again. I wrote to him several times, but he never replied to me. I think he was embarrassed about me, about our friendship anyway. It was all years ago.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry. Now what about you and Ed. What’s worrying you about it?”

“I really like him and… I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this.”

“Do you miss him when he isn’t there?” Mark asked.

“We spend all our time together, all we can do, and… Yes… Yes, I do.”

“That’s good.”

“Why?”

“You’re getting close to someone, and probably for the first time.”

“The first time?” What did Mark mean? Liam looked across the table at Mark.

“You were friends with Chrissy and TJ, but you weren’t really close with them, were you?”

“They were great to spend time with.”

“But how close were you to them? Did you tell them things that were important to you?”

“Not really.”

“I’ve got friends like that. They are great company, great to spend an evening with or even a weekend with, but I won’t turn to them if I had a real problem. It’s nothing against them, it’s just how our friendship is.”

“Yeah, yeah.” That was how his friendship with Chrissy and TJ had been, though it had been so enjoyable.

“But you tell Ed important things?”

“I’m starting to.”

“That’s good,” Mark said.

“It is?”

“You didn’t have any friends at school. You’re learning to get to know someone and be close with them.”

“How do you know I didn’t have any friends at school?”

“I remember from when I first met you.”

“Oh yeah,” Liam mumbled. He’d almost forgotten that Mark knew him from before Nurton Cross, knew him before Liam came here.

“I think you really like Ed, and that’s good. And I think Ed likes you.”

“How do you know that?”

“He holds your hand and he wants to spend all his time with you,” Mark replied.

“Oh yeah… Do I love him?”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to work it out but don’t worry about it. You’re young - you need to learn about relationships, and you can only do that by having them. Enjoy it and have fun. Ed sounds nice and you really like him, so he must be nice.”

“Am I gay?” It was the question that had hovered at the back of his mind for so long.

“I don’t know, that’s for you to answer.”

“Do you think I’m gay?”

“I’ve always wondered if you are but what I think doesn’t matter.”

“I want to kiss Ed.”

“There’s an answer, sort of.”

“What if I’m not gay?”

“Who gives a fuck?” Mark’s swearing startled him, for a moment, Mark didn’t usually swear.

“You sure?”

“Yes,” Mark smiled back at him. “Labels are for clothes, and the ones in mine usually fall off. If you’re not gay, then you might be bisexual or whatever, or just happy. Who cares.”

“You mean that?”

“I once loved this man who was bisexual, God nearly twenty years ago. We were so happy together, but he wouldn’t tell anyone about our relationship. He was scared that his parents would find out he was sleeping with me. It ended when he left me because he got engaged to a woman, a woman his parents liked and introduced him to. I was so angry… I ran into him, about five years ago. He was getting divorced for the second time and looked as miserable as fuck… Be yourself and be happy. Ed sounds really nice. Enjoy your relationship with him, whatever relationship it is.”

“Thank you, I will.”

“Good! See - I do know something about relationships. I’ve got enough exes in my past.”

“Have you got a boyfriend now?”

“No, I’m single again. I’m rather a fuck-up where boyfriends are concerned.” Mark gave him a small smile, as he spoke, but the smile barely left his lips and didn’t light-up Mark’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Liam replied.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a really good circle of friends and Joyce, my office manager, mothers me and keeps me in line.”

Anthea, the nurse in charge of the Visitor’s Room, tapped her pen loudly on her table and called out; “Visiting Time ends in five minutes!”

“God, time flies,” Mark said, as they both stood up from their table, as the rest of the people in the room were also doing.

<><><><>

The sun was out but the air was still chilly. A sharp wind seemed to be sucking the warmth out of the air.

They were walking in a quiet, but comfortable, silence along the garden’s path that Sunday morning, the day after his visit from Mark. Val was on duty that morning, but when Ed asked her if he and Liam could go for a walk in the garden, she’d simply replied, “Yes, but put jackets on. It’s cold out there.”

At the top of the path, they reached their bench, but before they went to sit on it, Liam reached over and took hold of Ed’s hand. Ed’s hand was cold, chilled by the cold air, so Liam squeezed it, trying to push warmth from his own skin into Ed’s hand.

Ed looked at him for a long moment, not saying anything, Ed’s eyes watching him. Normally, Liam would look away when someone looked at him, not daring to meet their eyes, but he didn’t. He smiled back at Ed, watching the expression on Ed’s face. Then Ed moved.

He lent forward, pushing himself up on tiptoes for a few degrees of extra height, and kissed Liam on his left cheek. Ed’s lips pressed into his face, momentarily pushing down his cheek, before pulling back, leaving a moist imprint where his lips had been. Though that imprint rapidly cooled, Liam didn’t want to wipe it away, he wanted it to stay permanently on his cheek.

“I really like you,” Ed quietly said.

“I really, really like you,” Liam replied, giving Ed’s hand a quick squeeze to show he meant his words.

“That’s good then,” Ed said.

They sat down together on the bench, not letting go of each other’s hand.